My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Harry Maguire swivels and releases a crossfield pass to John Cena, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. The executive producer whips in a classic cross for Wally West in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Oh no no no no Wally West what have you DONE! Own goal! The cross from Ronaldo comes in, he closes his eyes, gets his head on it and BOOM it is in his own goal! NOOOOOOO! The finest OG of the season, a true MASTERPIECE of misfortune!

Harry Maguire weaves through Paris Saint-Glinglin's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Lamine Yamal screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. The executive producer roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. John Cena crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Spider-Man is there to meet it. Cross far too long from Spider-Man, the ball bypasses everyone and goes out by the far post. Walter White opts for the short option to Sonic the Hedgehog, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Beautiful distribution from Walter White to Spider-Man, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. One touch football: Spider-Man to Jim Carrey, faster than the opposition can think. Ball in behind from the film producer, John Cena is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own.

Lamine Yamal fires the ball over to John Cena with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. John Cena beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. The executive producer heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. What a ball from Jim Carrey! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Sonic the Hedgehog is away on his own. That is velvet. The linesman raises his flag, Sonic the Hedgehog was a yard ahead of the last defender when William Saliba played it. Monster clearance from Walter White, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Lamine Yamal. Lamine Yamal slides it to Ronaldo, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The gaffer grabs a marker and circles a spot on the tactics board: "This space here. Between their centre-back and full-back. That is where we win this match." He turns to William Saliba: "You find that pocket, you receive, you go. No messing about. Hulk, you make the run to drag the defender." Nods all round. Local pub quiz teams live in fear of Hulk, whose knowledge of 90s one-hit wonders is described as encyclopaedic. The 28-year-old has been asked to stop attending because nobody else can win. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0707 and answer this question: 'What did the last bus to Grimsby apologise for?' And the second half is go! John Cena charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Diagonal from John Cena to Sonic the Hedgehog, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Sonic the Hedgehog wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Lamine Yamal embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace.

Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Constant harassment, the opposition is always a yard off the pace. The executive producer does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. John Cena takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent.

Oh dear, Paris Saint-Glinglin have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Emergency clearance from Harry Maguire, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. Smooth transition from Lamine Yamal to Harry Maguire, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Harry Maguire wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure. Harry Maguire lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating.

Through ball from the superhero for Sonic the Hedgehog, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Sonic the Hedgehog aims for John Cena but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Lamine Yamal goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Ronaldo looks up and launches a long pass towards Harry Maguire. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Harry Maguire shoots but it cannons off the defender's legs. The shot is denied.

Stalemate at home. John Cena and Ronaldo embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Clive Fogsworth, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last bus to Grimsby apologise for?'. The answer was of course existing, which frankly we all understood. Clive wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

3-2 (W)

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Jim Carrey puts John Cena in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. John Cena aims and places it BEAUTIFULLY! Curled strike, the ball brushes the post and rocks the net!

Cross from Jim Carrey off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Wally West at the far side. Nooooo Wally West! This is NOT REAL! The ball from Jim Carrey comes at him, he panics, gets a horrible touch and it ends up in the back of his own net. Lamentable OG, the bench has their heads in their HANDS.

Jim Carrey mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Wally West plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Walter White applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

GOAL! México No-Era-Penal are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Walter White stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Spider-Man follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Walter White plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Wave after wave, the defenders are dropping one by one. Crowd going mental, Walter White arriving in the area, this could be huge. John Cena attacks the inswinging cross from Hulk and places a SURGICAL header into the far corner! GOAL!

GOAAAL for México No-Era-Penal! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Walter White unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Wally West makes a heart sign with his hands. Walter White finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Wally West starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Harry Maguire conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Now Walter White has a rather unusual pre-match ritual — he has to watch a full episode of EastEnders before kickoff. If Phil Mitchell isn't in the episode, he considers it a bad omen. He's 68 years old and still won't grow out of it. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8080 and answer this question: 'How many crumpets does it take to change a lightbulb?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Ronaldo squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Quick one-two between Spider-Man and Sonic the Hedgehog, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Cut-back from Sonic the Hedgehog along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds John Cena centrally. The executive producer blazes it over with the goal wide open! Ronaldo had given him everything. In that position, a miss like that can cost you the match and your confidence. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

Monster clearance from Sonic the Hedgehog! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. William Saliba steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Clearance from William Saliba under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something.

Jim Carrey puts it right into the feet of Harry Maguire, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Harry Maguire shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Spider-Man. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. The superhero accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Good cross from the superhero for Jim Carrey in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Jim Carrey delivers the corner and it's CARNAGE! The ball won't leave the box, defense finally gets rid!

Corner from Jim Carrey, Sonic the Hedgehog throws himself at it and heads it but it goes past the right post. Short restart from the chemist to Ronaldo, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Ronaldo rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over.

Walter White plays it along the ground to William Saliba, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Great vision from William Saliba who switches to Spider-Man. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Spider-Man charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Foul by Spider-Man, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical. Nice combination started by the superhero from the free kick. In that position, knowing when to shoot and when to play it short makes you a real threat at every dead ball.

Superb defensive work from Sonic the Hedgehog there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Incredible burst of pace from Ronaldo, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Ronaldo sends in a curling delivery, Jim Carrey peels off the back of his marker and finds space.

William Saliba cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. William Saliba plays it simple to Spider-Man, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Spider-Man bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. The superhero fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. Spider-Man is cautioned for accumulated fouls. The ref warned him twice, he didn't listen.

Victory! Hulk and Ronaldo lead the squad in a huddle, bouncing and chanting something the microphones can't quite pick up. Probably for the best. México No-Era-Penal have left the pitch but we're not done yet. The stadium DJ puts on a banger and nobody wants to go home. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many crumpets does it take to change a lightbulb?'. The answer was of course none, crumpets don't have hands but they do have holes, which is arguably worse. Derek wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

The free kick from John Cena is a dangerous one, Hulk meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. BOOOM the header from Hulk! On the cross from Lamine Yamal, he produces a FURIOUS header that ends in the net. GOAL!

John Cena stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Jim Carrey follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Walter White plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Overlap from Hulk on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. The referee BLOWS! PENALTY! Hulk has been illegally stopped in the box by the defender. The spot is pointed to, the stadium holds its BREATH, everything is decided HERE and NOW! GOAL for Hulk! PANENKA penalty! The keeper dives and the ball floats over him, AUDACIOUS!

Walter White sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Hulk, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

The player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Spider-Man. Pure quality, as per usual. Spider-Man links up with Jim Carrey, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Jim Carrey leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Jim Carrey lays it off to Wally West from the free kick, little one-two to get around the wall.

Absolutely immense from William Saliba! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Wally West strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Walter White mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Hulk plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Walter White plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

William Saliba is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of William Saliba: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Teammates were gobsmacked when Hulk revealed a hidden talent for competitive darts. At 28, the lad can hit triple-twenty blindfolded after three pints — Phil Taylor is shaking in his boots. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2626 and answer this question: 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?' Lamine Yamal spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

SHOOOOOOT from John Cena! It's whistling towards goal but the keeper beats it away. Strong hands! The defender is in all sorts of trouble! He handles John Cena's shot in the area. Penalty given, can't have any complaints. William Saliba takes the penalty and... it's wide! He crumbles, the pressure was unbearable.

The chemist throws it out to Lamine Yamal, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Lamine Yamal loses the header, physically outmatched by his marker. It happens, but at this stage of the match it hurts. HEAAAAADER from Lamine Yamal! He launches himself at the cross from William Saliba but it goes just over!

They've scored! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Absolutely insane recovery run from William Saliba, covers the entire pitch to come back and save the day. Oh what a challenge! William Saliba goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal.

John Cena drops the ball in from the free kick, Hulk arrives at the near post. The scientist misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in.

Harry Maguire rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Lamine Yamal. The far side is completely deserted. Lamine Yamal wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance. Firm pass from Lamine Yamal into Wally West, right into the boots. No waste.

Ronaldo gives it to Sonic the Hedgehog who returns it first time, Ronaldo ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Ronaldo gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Ronaldo loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Lovely anticipation from the executive producer who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal.

Draw. Hulk sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Lamine Yamal waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course none, they're the same stop, the bus just goes round twice for dramatic effect. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Hulk takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Hulk lays it off for Lamine Yamal in the danger zone, the striker is loaded and ready. Lamine Yamal takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Hulk fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Harry Maguire plays the medic running in. Walter White plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

They've come out breathing fire, something's cooking now. Line-breaking pass from William Saliba! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Wally West picks it up at full pace. Devastating. What FINESSE on the strike from Wally West! On the cross from Ronaldo, he caresses the ball and it is in the corner!

William Saliba places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Spider-Man falls to his knees bowing. Walter White does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

The superhero finds John Cena along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. John Cena sets it for Lamine Yamal, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Lamine Yamal tries to open it up for Jim Carrey but the timing is miles off. Possession lost. Perfectly executed challenge by Lamine Yamal, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb.

Magnificent reading of the game from Harry Maguire, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Overlap from the executive producer with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. SHOOOOT from the executive producer! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure.

Massive punt from Walter White, sends the ball sixty yards, Harry Maguire is scrapping for it up top. Harry Maguire intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

John Cena has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. Hulk is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. Now I've been told — and I can barely say this with a straight face — that William Saliba has a loyalty card at his local dodgy kebab shop. Thirteen stamps and you get a free doner. He's on stamp eleven and says the Champions League can wait. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2525 and answer this question: 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?' And we are back underway! John Cena jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Disaster! Dakar Teranga FC score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Walter White climbs onto John Cena's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Walter White circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Walter White plays it short to Hulk, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Short pass from the scientist to Sonic the Hedgehog, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Sonic the Hedgehog curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close! Walter White throws it out quickly to John Cena, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Sonic the Hedgehog to Jim Carrey, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that. The film producer gets his cross wrong, too much juice on it. The intent is there but the execution lets him down tonight. Walter White plucks the cross like picking a flower, the whole defence breathes a sigh of relief. Ronaldo finds Harry Maguire between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

Walter White goes long for Lamine Yamal, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Lamine Yamal is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Lovely take from the chemist! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box. The superhero plays it simple to William Saliba, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Superb tackle from the player, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Blistering solo run from Sonic the Hedgehog, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. Sonic the Hedgehog puts William Saliba into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless.

FULL TIME! Spider-Man jumps on Sonic the Hedgehog's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. Dakar Teranga FC shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?'. The answer was of course the Lincolnshire Digestive Hound, which crumbles if you stroke it too firmly. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Spider-Man steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break. GOOOOOOAL! Lamine Yamal meets the pass from Ronaldo and places an unstoppable curling effort. The keeper was a spectator!

Spider-Man points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Ronaldo comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. One laser pass from William Saliba and the entire defence is eliminated, Lamine Yamal is through on goal. The space is enormous. Wasteful from Lamine Yamal on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Jim Carrey throws his arms up in frustration.

Intense press, the defender misplaces the pass under pressure. Wally West wants to find Spider-Man between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted. Decisive glance from Hulk who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Spider-Man produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Spider-Man launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Harry Maguire, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

The gaffer grabs a marker and circles a spot on the tactics board: "This space here. Between their centre-back and full-back. That is where we win this match." He turns to Spider-Man: "You find that pocket, you receive, you go. No messing about. John Cena, you make the run to drag the defender." Nods all round. Ronaldo is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 50-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show Fifteen to One Complaint! To win a year of free parking at a hospital that charges for parking, text 4345 and answer: 'How much does it cost to park at a British hospital for twenty minutes?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Wally West is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Crafty ball from Jim Carrey into the gap, William Saliba arrives into the space and collects on the move.

Well spotted by Spider-Man who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. The superhero opens up to Wally West on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Textbook tackle from Wally West there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Raking ball from the superhero to Harry Maguire, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Harry Maguire opens up the space for Sonic the Hedgehog with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride.

Short restart from Walter White to William Saliba, building from the back nice and tidy. William Saliba throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Quick exchange between William Saliba and Sonic the Hedgehog, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Nutmeg from the player on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. Cross from Sonic the Hedgehog, he puts it on the far post for Lamine Yamal.

William Saliba keeps it short to Jim Carrey, no frills, just good football intelligence. Short build-up from Jim Carrey to Sonic the Hedgehog, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. The player lays it off first time to Spider-Man, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Spider-Man opens up to Jim Carrey on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Jim Carrey reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Jim Carrey feeds Wally West in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Spider-Man boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Walter White catapults the ball towards Lamine Yamal from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. That's a beauty from Lamine Yamal! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending.

Stalemate at home. Wally West and Hulk embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Ron from Doncaster says it costs roughly the same as a small holiday in Benidorm. Free hospital parking for Ron! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Harry Maguire gifts Wally West a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. GOOOOOAL for Wally West! On the genius pass from Ronaldo, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Harry Maguire sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Jim Carrey photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Tremendous work from Ronaldo who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. GOAL for Lamine Yamal! The keeper parries it in front of him, the ball is loose, he just has to push it in. EASY GOAL but well placed!

Ronaldo mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Sonic the Hedgehog does the wave with contortionist grace. Walter White solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. Walter White blocks with his entire body! The attacker is smothered, the ball is dead, what a save! Long kick from Walter White, Wally West positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Wally West sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Hulk. Simple in concept, masterful in execution.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. The executive producer catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. John Cena plays the free kick quickly to William Saliba, they catch the defence napping.

The superhero boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Long ball from William Saliba to Sonic the Hedgehog, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Sonic the Hedgehog rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, William Saliba. And you, Hulk. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. A teammate has confirmed that Wally West watches Bargain Hunt religiously and shouts at the telly when contestants overpay. He once phoned in to complain about a Staffordshire pottery valuation. The man is 28 and fully invested in daytime antiques. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1515 and answer this question: 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Walter White claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

They've scored again! Lagos No-Carry-Last are running riot and we can't cope.

'I told you so' mode. Walter White eyeballs the Lagos No-Carry-Last bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Wally West pulls Walter White away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. William Saliba scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Walter White distributes by hand to Spider-Man on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Spider-Man looks for John Cena with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving.

Solo charge from Wally West, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field. Terrible tackle from the superhero on the attacker. At that level and in that position, there's no excuse for going in like that. Booking for the superhero, a dangerous challenge that could cost the whole team from that position. Free kick blocked for the superhero! In that position, when the wall stands firm, it's ROUTINE in football, you have to keep the faith.

Sideways ball from Ronaldo to William Saliba, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. Wally West lays it off first time to Ronaldo, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Ronaldo charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible.

Wally West rolls it to Lamine Yamal, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. SO CLOSE! Jim Carrey sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in.

It's in! Lagos No-Carry-Last take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

The pile at the corner flag. Walter White is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Walter White arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Change of flanks from Spider-Man, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Hulk. The scientist misplaces his pass to Harry Maguire, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Lightning press from Hulk, he pounces on the carrier and wins the ball in a heartbeat. That man's intensity is his secret weapon. Good ball from the scientist to Spider-Man, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Spider-Man feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed.

Level score. Lamine Yamal screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Jim Carrey boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?'. The answer was of course the 1960s, when the Royal Navy briefly commissioned HMS Brown Sauce. Norman wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-3 (L)

It's a goal for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Hulk tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. The ball from Hulk rips through the defensive curtain, Harry Maguire is flying into the space like an arrow. Harry Maguire lets the GUNS loose! A strike of phenomenal power that ends up top bins, GOAL!

Hulk sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Ronaldo snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Walter White waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

High recovery from Lamine Yamal after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him. Solo raid from Lamine Yamal from inside his own half, he beats everyone. That is unbelievable. Oh the LOB of GENIUS from Lamine Yamal! The keeper is miles off his line, Lamine Yamal spots it and sends a CHIPPED ball with his left foot that drops PERFECTLY into the goal. GOAL OF EXCEPTION, everyone on their feet!

Lamine Yamal climbs onto Hulk's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Walter White circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Harry Maguire slides a beauty through the gap, William Saliba is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. William Saliba caught offside by a shoulder width on Wally West's through ball, what a shame! Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Lay-off from Ronaldo to John Cena, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Spider-Man takes the hit without responding. Ronaldo drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Staff at IKEA Wembley confirm Walter White spent five hours in the showroom and left with nothing but a bag of tea lights and a hot dog. The 68-year-old reportedly got lost in the warehouse section twice. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Lamine Yamal sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

The free kick is played short by Jim Carrey to Sonic the Hedgehog, smart approach that. Sonic the Hedgehog picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment. The superhero winds up and puts it into orbit. In that position, good to have a go but the accuracy was completely absent.

Walter White smashes a volley towards Ronaldo, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Ronaldo slips Lamine Yamal in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Lamine Yamal spreads it to Wally West, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. The superhero switches the play to Hulk, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Wally West meets the corner from Jim Carrey with a header, it drifts wide of the post. Walter White rolls it short to Spider-Man into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Spider-Man forces a pass to Wally West who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. High recovery from Sonic the Hedgehog! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. Sonic the Hedgehog unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

The attacker crushes Jim Carrey in the aerial duel, he got significantly higher. Jim Carrey was helpless. Walter White dives feet first and turns the strike away! American-keeper style, perfection. Walter White takes his time and plays it short to Lamine Yamal. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch.

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening. John Cena sends an aerial beauty to Wally West, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Burst of speed from the superhero down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs.

Dribble from Lamine Yamal in the box, one shimmy and the defender is out of the picture. Dangerous. The referee BLOWS! Penalty! Lamine Yamal has been hauled down in the box by a defender. The ground is BUZZING, everyone is on their feet! Lamine Yamal's penalty is stopped! The keeper dived like a cat and pushed the ball away. Hulk clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

And that's a goal! Barranquilla Toque-Toque extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Walter White slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. John Cena photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Wally West takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. What a STRIIIIKE from Hulk! Arrowing towards goal, on target but the keeper produces an absolute worldie!

It's over and Barranquilla Toque-Toque take the points. Hulk shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Ronaldo walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-0 (W)

Killer ball from Ronaldo through the gap! Harry Maguire bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Harry Maguire gets into the right angle and finishes with precision! The ball rolls into the goal, GOAL!

Ronaldo dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Hulk can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Walter White claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Harry Maguire with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Harry Maguire drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Ronaldo read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. BY A WHISKER! Ronaldo fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill.

Almighty boot from Sonic the Hedgehog who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Harry Maguire mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. The free kick is taken quickly, Harry Maguire to Jim Carrey who drives forward immediately. Jim Carrey fires wide, not far from the post though!

Spider-Man lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Sonic the Hedgehog changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Hulk. The defence is caught completely flat-footed.

John Cena sends in a classic cross, it arrives on William Saliba in the thick of it. William Saliba rises and smashes his header... but it goes over. Just a touch too much power. Massive clearance from Harry Maguire in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Someone has brought a bag of Haribo into the dressing room and it is absolute carnage. Wally West is hoarding the fried eggs. Walter White is fighting over the last cola bottle. The gaffer watches the chaos with the resigned smile of a man who has seen it all. "You lot are like a bunch of kids. Right, listen up, here is the plan for the second half." Staff at IKEA Wembley confirm Hulk spent five hours in the showroom and left with nothing but a bag of tea lights and a hot dog. The 28-year-old reportedly got lost in the warehouse section twice. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 4466 and answer this question: 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Spider-Man sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Mad pressing, the strikers chase defenders like wolves. Ronaldo sticks to the opposition midfielder and ends up winning the ball in a dangerous area. Pressing is sacrifice, and Ronaldo has it in buckets. Ronaldo curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save!

Hulk delivers into the box on the corner, it's a proper BATTLE in there! Defense holds firm! He shapes up, he shoots... WHAT A HIT from Jim Carrey! On target but the keeper palms it onto the bar!

Good ball from the player to William Saliba, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. A tug on the shirt from William Saliba, the opponent can't get away. Free kick. Booking for William Saliba. The referee warned, then warned again, now it's a card.

The superhero spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Wally West. That is exactly why he is out there. Walter White turns himself into a wall! He comes out, narrows the angle and smothers the lot. The keeper is IMPASSABLE. Disciplined and brave low block, this will take something special to break down. Sonic the Hedgehog sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Massive clearance from the player under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

Spider-Man delivers a tidy ball to Wally West, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Right-footed cross from Wally West, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Spider-Man. The superhero dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Short pass from the superhero to John Cena, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

GET IN THERE! Hulk slides on his knees across the wet turf, Spider-Man piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Montevideo Garra-Charrúa can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 2019, though it immediately requested to be left alone, which is very Barnsley. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Jim Carrey finds William Saliba in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class. William Saliba takes his bearings and STRIIIIKES! It is placed, it is on target, IT IS IIIIN!

What a mess! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Magnificent tackle from William Saliba! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. Lamine Yamal winds up and it is a BULLET! The ball travels through the box at the speed of light, GOAL!

William Saliba launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. John Cena shifts it wide to Ronaldo on the right, lovely ball into the space. Lazy pass from Ronaldo, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Lamine Yamal is livid, gesturing wildly. William Saliba chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." Jim Carrey sparked a full dressing room meltdown by declaring custard creams superior to bourbons. At 64, the 180-tall midfielder stood firm while chaos erupted — the manager had to intervene with a tin of Foxes assortment. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 6161 and answer this question: 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?' Back on the pitch and William Saliba is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

The film producer presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. Wide from the film producer! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. Wally West frees up the entire channel for Spider-Man with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Spider-Man gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, Harry Maguire is there to meet it.

Floated cross from Jim Carrey off the right, Sonic the Hedgehog has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. The cross from Sonic the Hedgehog is deflected off a defender's foot. Corner to the attacking side. Jim Carrey floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear. Jim Carrey anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper.

The referee's whistle goes against John Cena, caught the opponent late. The executive producer is cautioned for backchat. In that position, you need to keep your head, not lose it. The executive producer dummies the shot and plays it short. In that position, that ability to read the defence and pick the right option is what separates the great players. Just wide! Hulk struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision.

Heroic low block, every single player at his post. Harry Maguire hits the afterburners to get back, catches the attacker, and nicks the ball off him. Pure desire. What a rush out from Walter White! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff.

Enormous press from Wally West who wins the ball thirty yards from goal. The opponent buckled under the pressure. Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. Wally West accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides.

Harry Maguire uses Ronaldo as a wall, the ball pings back like off a squash court wall. Timing is everything. The flag goes up against Harry Maguire. He was leaning offside when Hulk struck the pass. Walter White hoofs it forward towards Sonic the Hedgehog, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Little shift from Sonic the Hedgehog to John Cena, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Dummy from John Cena, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done.

John Cena plays short to William Saliba on the corner, a classic little tactical combination. William Saliba plays the simple ball to Hulk, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Hulk picks out Jim Carrey with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Superb diagonal from the film producer to Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

Stalemate at home. Lamine Yamal and Hulk embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?'. The answer was of course a fried egg and half a sausage, obviously. Trevor wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-2 (L)

Neat one-two between Sonic the Hedgehog and John Cena, simple, beautiful, and above all effective. GOOOOAL for Sonic the Hedgehog! He plays Ronaldo in, gets it back and places his shot to the keeper's wrong side!

Sonic the Hedgehog dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. William Saliba can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Walter White claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Monster press from Wally West! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe. Sharp turn from Wally West, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. Curled effort from Wally West on the pass from Jim Carrey, the ball nestles in the corner, the keeper is beaten.

They've scored! Rio Malandro FC find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Wally West sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, William Saliba pops up between two defenders. Corner from William Saliba, it drops in the six-yard box, CHAOS! A defender wellies it clear! The shot from Hulk doesn't get through, the defender blocks it with his legs. Well read. The superhero hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

The chemist goes long for Jim Carrey, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Jim Carrey switches the play to Ronaldo on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Quick dribble from Ronaldo, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated.

Tactical debate in the corner. John Cena wants to push higher. Walter White reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Walter White, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Lovely story from Jim Carrey's childhood — he used to practice free kicks in the alley behind a chip shop in Doncaster. The owner would give him a free bag of scraps if he hit the wheelie bin from thirty yards. That's where 180 of pure talent was forged. And now, our TV game show Catchphrase It Yourself! To win a complete set of Allen keys from IKEA, text 0800FLAT and answer: 'How many leftover screws is it acceptable to have after building a Billy bookcase?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Spider-Man squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

GOAL for Rio Malandro FC! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Lay-off from Lamine Yamal to Sonic the Hedgehog out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. The player thought he'd scored from Harry Maguire's pass but the flag is up! In that position, timing your run is everything. Clearance from the chemist towards Lamine Yamal, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Wally West pings a ridiculous diagonal to Harry Maguire. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Huge aerial duel won by Harry Maguire, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane. Good ball from Harry Maguire to Ronaldo, playing it quick between the lines. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever.

Rapid combination: Lamine Yamal to Jim Carrey, the ball barely touches the grass between them. The one-two between Jim Carrey and Hulk blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical. Jim Carrey is flagged offside, frustrating for Wally West who played a lovely ball through. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Magnificent shift from Ronaldo! Sonic the Hedgehog picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his.

Harry Maguire shifts it to Lamine Yamal with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Lovely use of the ball by Lamine Yamal, finding Harry Maguire in a tight pocket of space. Quality. It is not happening for Harry Maguire, the pass to Spider-Man is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces. William Saliba puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing.

Walter White plays out from the back with Spider-Man, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Raking ball from the superhero to Lamine Yamal, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Good run from Lamine Yamal who crosses to the near post for Hulk. The defender is beaten to it.

Shared match. John Cena walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Walter White does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. Ingrid from Milton Keynes says three leftover screws is fine but anything above five and the whole thing is coming down. Allen keys for Ingrid! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-2 (L)

Harry Maguire shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Oh the LOB from Wally West! The keeper is off his line, Wally West chips it over him with a SUBLIME touch! The ball drops like a falling leaf into the goal. MAGNIFICENT!

The player fires in a shot and wins a penalty for handball! In that position, that ability to create set-piece situations is what makes you INVALUABLE. OHHH the MASTERFUL penalty from Harry Maguire! He sends the keeper the wrong way with disconcerting ease. GOAL!

Sonic the Hedgehog mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. John Cena raises Sonic the Hedgehog's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Walter White plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable. WIIIIIDE! Lamine Yamal put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

Driven kick from Walter White to Ronaldo, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Ronaldo gives it to John Cena into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. John Cena spots Harry Maguire in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Crunching tackle by Harry Maguire on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Harry Maguire to Ronaldo, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

Ronaldo sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Hulk sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Ronaldo nods but does not look up. Sonic the Hedgehog turned up to a school reunion in full kit and boots, apparently misreading the invitation. The 28-year-old spent the evening doing keepy-uppies in the car park while everyone else had a carvery. And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' Back on the pitch and Sonic the Hedgehog is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Istanbul Cehennem FK score right on the stroke of half-time.

Flawless defense, players throwing their bodies on the line to protect the goal. Massive clearance from Spider-Man, just get the ball as far away as possible. The film producer switches the play to Sonic the Hedgehog, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Wally West launches it to Sonic the Hedgehog on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Sonic the Hedgehog floats a cross in from the wing for Ronaldo, the ball hangs in the box! Ronaldo is eaten alive in the air by the attacker, the duel is lost beyond any doubt. Pure power won the day.

The chemist finds Hulk with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Hulk unleashes a raking ball out to John Cena, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Lovely use of the ball by John Cena, finding Spider-Man in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Shoulder charge from Spider-Man on the opponent, just a bit too forceful for the ref's liking. Free kick played short, Spider-Man to Harry Maguire, they bypass the wall with the combination.

Absolutely dreadful! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Walter White does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Sonic the Hedgehog launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Walter White arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Burst of speed from Jim Carrey, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Crunching tackle from Jim Carrey on the attacker, he's gone right through him there. Jim Carrey is given his marching orders! A sickening, reckless, two-footed challenge. Short free kick from the film producer, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence.

Draw against Istanbul Cehennem FK. Ronaldo kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Lamine Yamal does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

Walter White distributes short to Ronaldo, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Aerial duel lost by Ronaldo, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. What a DOWNWARD header from Hulk! Sumptuous header on the cross from John Cena, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Harry Maguire with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Harry Maguire embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents.

John Cena decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination. Pass into space from John Cena for Spider-Man, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. That's offside. Spider-Man was straining at the leash and went too early on Harry Maguire's ball.

Lifesaving clearance from Harry Maguire! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Classy interception from Sonic the Hedgehog, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Ronaldo tries from distance and CRAAACKS it! On target but the keeper pushes it aside. Unlucky. Ronaldo sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw.

Long ball from Walter White for Harry Maguire who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Harry Maguire senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Harry Maguire to Hulk, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Short pass from the scientist to Harry Maguire, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Sonic the Hedgehog is leaning back with {his} feet up, 180 cm of pure relaxation. Spider-Man is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A lovely bit of trivia here — Ronaldo once got stuck on the M25 for four and a half hours and claims it was the most formative experience of his career. Taught him patience, composure, and an appreciation for Radio 2. He was only 50 at the time. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1066 and answer this question: 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Ronaldo picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Walter White launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on William Saliba after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Brilliant switch of play from William Saliba! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Wally West. Good ball from the superhero to Hulk, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Hulk sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal.

Hulk whips the ball into the box from the free kick, Spider-Man throws himself at it for a header. Header won by Spider-Man, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall. Spider-Man boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

Spider-Man hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Short pass from the scientist to Harry Maguire, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Harry Maguire clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick.

Harry Maguire reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Harry Maguire goes crossfield to Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Looping cross from Sonic the Hedgehog, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Ronaldo. Danger. Ronaldo heads it and sends the ball skimming the crossbar. Over but it was nearly perfect.

They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. With one swing of the boot, Lamine Yamal finds Wally West on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

Victory! John Cena and Harry Maguire lead the squad in a huddle, bouncing and chanting something the microphones can't quite pick up. Probably for the best. Milano Piano-Piano have left the pitch but we're not done yet. The stadium DJ puts on a banger and nobody wants to go home. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?'. The answer was of course a sort of disappointed beige. Trevor wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-1 (W)

Walter White boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Sonic the Hedgehog! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Firm pass from Sonic the Hedgehog into Lamine Yamal, right into the boots. No waste. BOOOOOM! Lamine Yamal sends a missile from 30 yards! The keeper just watched the ball fly over his head!

Walter White and Hulk do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Walter White arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

The executive producer goes for the short corner to Sonic the Hedgehog, great vision. In that position, having the awareness to build rather than force it makes you stand out. The player slides a perfect cut-back for John Cena in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. GOOOAL! John Cena pokes the ball in at point-blank range after a scramble in the box. STRIKER'S GOAL!

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. Lovely use of the ball by Spider-Man, finding Sonic the Hedgehog in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Sonic the Hedgehog tries to find Ronaldo but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff.

William Saliba throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. William Saliba slides it to Lamine Yamal, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Lamine Yamal threads a ball into the void for Hulk, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous.

Wally West pierces the backline with a low through ball, Ronaldo latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Ronaldo strays offside on Hulk's ball. A metre ahead of the last defender at least. Wally West boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

Spider-Man has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. Harry Maguire is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. Walter White sparked a full dressing room meltdown by declaring custard creams superior to bourbons. At 68, the 180-tall midfielder stood firm while chaos erupted — the manager had to intervene with a tin of Foxes assortment. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Spider-Man picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Late, late challenge from Wally West on the attacker. He's caught him right on the ankle. Nasty. Everything hangs in the balance, VAR replaying it in slow motion. The stadium is petrified. VAR rules against the spot kick! Wally West had gone down too theatrically! We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back.

Spider-Man pings a long diagonal to Hulk, completely shifts the point of attack. The scientist beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill.

GOAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Harry Maguire clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. William Saliba plays it simple to John Cena, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Intense pressing from the executive producer, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team. John Cena goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all.

Crossfield pass from Hulk to Spider-Man, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Overlap from Spider-Man on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. The superhero finds Hulk along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The scientist lays it off first time to Harry Maguire, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Harry Maguire gives it to John Cena, sprints, asks for it back, and gets it. The classic one-two but absolutely lethal.

The player shifts Spider-Man into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. The superhero hits the net from Wally West's ball but the linesman flags. In that position, staying onside is part of the job description. Walter White finds John Cena with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

The whistle blows and Walter White lets out a breath he's been holding for ninety minutes. Wally West claps him on the back: "Told you we'd do 'em." The gaffer's already planning the next match, but tonight? Tonight belongs to the lads. And the pub. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-2 (L)

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Harry Maguire turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for William Saliba. The defence did not even have time to blink. Oh my word the touch from William Saliba! A SILKY lob over the keeper, the ball descends ever so gently and nestles in the back of the net. GOAL of an ARTIST, that is top drawer football!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Harry Maguire strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Hulk points at it, jaw on the floor. Walter White shakes his head, not believing it.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

The executive producer finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Lamine Yamal clean through. Pure genius from that position. The offside trap works a treat, Lamine Yamal is caught out as Sonic the Hedgehog plays the ball forward. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Switch from Sonic the Hedgehog! The ball arcs over the midfield and Lamine Yamal collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

Surging run from Hulk from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Hulk puts the ball right into the path of Jim Carrey, played to the inch, the space is found. Flag raised against the film producer. Lamine Yamal's ball was good but the timing was off.

It's there! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Walter White dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Ronaldo's eyes are bloodshot. Spider-Man looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." Bit of a scoop for you — William Saliba plays Sunday league football under a fake name during the off-season. Goes by 'Dave from Accounts' and plays centre-mid for the Dog and Duck. At 25, the man just loves the game. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Walter White is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Free kick from Jim Carrey, he puts a whipped ball into the box and Hulk is onto it! Corner from Hulk and it's absolute CARNAGE in the box, the defense hacks it clear! BLOCKED! Spider-Man hits it hard but the defender stands firm and deflects it for a corner. Authoritative clearance from Ronaldo in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

Hulk overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Inch-perfect cross from Hulk, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Sonic the Hedgehog at the back post. The cross from Sonic the Hedgehog is cut out cleanly by an alert defender. The defence has stood up. Spider-Man hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job!

Jim Carrey delivers from the byline, Wally West is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. Wally West tries a GORGEOUS volley but it sails into the clouds. The technique was outrageous! Tidy restart from Walter White along the deck to Spider-Man, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

The film producer cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Ronaldo. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Ronaldo absolutely butchers that pass, straight into the feet of the opposition. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Lamine Yamal takes the ball at his feet and drives fifty yards on his own. It is one man against the world.

Quick throw from Walter White to Sonic the Hedgehog out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Careless distribution from Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. The film producer slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. The film producer launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Big strike from the film producer, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

Harry Maguire launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Wing switch from William Saliba, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Sonic the Hedgehog brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. The player wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts.

Gutting. John Cena throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Jim Carrey picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

Powerful run from Lamine Yamal down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. PENALTY! Lamine Yamal is fouled in the box, the referee does NOT hesitate. He points to the spot, that is a decision HEAVY with consequences! Powerful penalty from Lamine Yamal, the keeper dived the right way but it was too strong.

GOAL! London Three-Pints strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Ronaldo gets up well on the corner from Jim Carrey but his header is too high. Cannot find the frame. Clearance from the chemist towards Harry Maguire, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. One touch football: Harry Maguire to Ronaldo, faster than the opposition can think. Monumental ball from Ronaldo to Hulk, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

Pitch-length run from the executive producer, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. The timing is everything: John Cena releases the ball at the perfect moment and Ronaldo explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Ronaldo lets rip and sends it to the moon. No other way to describe that. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge.

Hulk embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal. The referee blows for a PENALTY! Hulk has been put on the floor in the box by the defender. OBVIOUS foul, indisputable penalty. The crux of the match is happening RIGHT NOW! SAVED! The keeper dives to his right and pushes away Hulk's penalty! What a stop! The chemist goes long for William Saliba, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

Tactical debate in the corner. Jim Carrey wants to push higher. Wally West reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Wally West, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A train mix-up saw Hulk end up in Scunthorpe instead of Southampton for an away match. The 28-year-old spent three hours in a Wetherspoons before the gaffer sent a minibus. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' And the second half is go! Lamine Yamal charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Harry Maguire triggers a change of flanks for Spider-Man, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Overlap and cross from Spider-Man, the ball drops at the feet of Harry Maguire in the heart of the box. The chemist climbs and gathers the cross with both hands. In that position, that authority is what makes the difference in the big matches. Walter White sparks the transition with a quick throw to Harry Maguire, the break is lightning fast.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. The chemist narrows the angle and gathers at the feet. In that position, that courage and reading of the game wins you matches. Short restart from the chemist to William Saliba, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Brilliant interception from William Saliba, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Phenomenal run from William Saliba, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Brutal challenge by Hulk, he's absolutely smashed the attacker. The crowd are furious. Hulk has thrown a forearm smash into the opponent's jaw. That's an assault, not football. Red! The free kick from Hulk clears the defence and finds Lamine Yamal in the danger area. Lamine Yamal wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft.

Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. Hulk hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. The scientist finds Sonic the Hedgehog with a pull-back in the danger zone. The kind of decisive service that makes the difference at the highest level. The player has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was.

They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. The scientist finds Ronaldo in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. Flag up! Ronaldo was beyond the last man when Wally West released the pass. Hulk clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Short distribution from Walter White to Jim Carrey, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

The opposition piles forward but the block is impenetrable. Walter White flicks the ball with his glove tips over the frame. The mark of an exceptional keeper. Clearance from the chemist towards Lamine Yamal, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Honours even. Jim Carrey finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Sonic the Hedgehog walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.