My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-3 (L)

Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. The player sends a cannonball on the pass from Eric Cartman, GOOOAL! In that position, that kind of power in the strike is an insane weapon.

Peter Griffin scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Wally West is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. Thomas the Tank Engine closes the angle tight and the strike rebounds off his legs! Monumental save. Thomas the Tank Engine lumps it long towards Wally West, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

They've done it! Paris Saint-Glinglin find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Eric Cartman takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Blistering run from Peter Griffin on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Ball loss from the player on a dribble. In that role, taking risks is fine, but the timing has to be spot on. Brilliant interception from Eric Cartman, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot.

Donald Trump absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. Thomas the Tank Engine smashes a volley towards Bob the Builder, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Dominant header from Bob the Builder on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. The master builder accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Eric Cartman grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Peter Griffin is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. Deliveroo data leaked to the press shows Woody ordered from the same kebab shop 83 times in one month. At 28 and 180, the lad reportedly has a VIP loyalty card and his own reserved doner rotation. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 9911 and answer this question: 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?' Back on the pitch and Snoop Dogg is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

The photographer plays it simple to Woody, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The cowboy shifts Wally West into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. Wally West plays it back across the box for Donald Trump, the low cross is inch-perfect.

Agatha Trunchbull links up with Buzz Lightyear, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Buzz Lightyear opens up the space for Woody with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. Powerful run from Woody down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. The cowboy grabs the attacker by the shoulder, blatant foul.

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Thomas the Tank Engine unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Agatha Trunchbull makes a heart sign with his hands. Thomas the Tank Engine finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Thomas the Tank Engine plays out from the back with Peter Griffin, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. The player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Woody. Pure quality, as per usual. The cowboy wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts.

Oh that's terrible! Paris Saint-Glinglin score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all.

The head teacher lays it off first time to Arthur Mitchell, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Arthur Mitchell hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. The player whips in a classic cross for Woody in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Thomas the Tank Engine plucks the cross like a proper keeper. No frills, just pure efficiency. The keeper is calm.

Woody clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Woody intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. OHHH Eric Cartman unleashes an absolute thunderbolt! On target but the keeper pulls off a stunner! Eric Cartman puts his corner into the box but the defence is solid, cleared away.

Loss against Paris Saint-Glinglin and it stings. Thomas the Tank Engine still goes over to the travelling fans, hand on heart, mouthing "sorry" through the drizzle. Woody follows. The away end responds with a round of applause that almost makes it worse. These fans deserve better. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?'. The answer was of course up to nine, though anything past six risks structural sigh failure. Nigel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-0 (W)

High recovery from the master builder who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. Bob the Builder shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Peter Griffin. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Peter Griffin pops up like a thief in the box! With the tip of the boot he diverts the ball into the net, GOOOAL!

Bob the Builder sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Peter Griffin photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Woody changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Arthur Mitchell. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Huge tackle from Arthur Mitchell! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Short pass from the player to Wally West, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

The superhero intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Wally West sets it for Snoop Dogg, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Snoop Dogg finds Arthur Mitchell in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class. Overlap on the left from Arthur Mitchell, floated cross towards Donald Trump who rises highest at the far post. Donald Trump is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Donald Trump was barely on his way up.

Raking ball from the player to Buzz Lightyear, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Backpass from Buzz Lightyear goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it. Wally West cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Wally West pings a ridiculous diagonal to Donald Trump. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

Relentless pressing, the opposition can barely breathe out there. The head teacher trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. The wall repels Agatha Trunchbull's free kick! Well organised, well jumped, well defended. Corner from the player and it's CHAOS in the box! In that role, creating havoc from set pieces is absolutely vital.

The dressing room smells of Deep Heat and good decisions. Woody is sat in the corner, ice on {his} shoulder, replaying {his} tackle on the phone. "Look at that, absolutely textbook," {he} says to Bob the Builder. The gaffer nods. "That is the level I want for the whole second half. No let-up." A source close to the squad tells us that Peter Griffin has an encyclopaedic knowledge of every item on the Greggs menu. He can recite prices, calorie counts, and seasonal specials. At 180, he's basically a walking Greggs database. And now, our TV game show Gardener's World of Pain! To win a National Trust cream tea for two, text 0800SCONE and answer: 'Does the cream or the jam go on first, and are you prepared to fight about it?' The gaffer gives Woody one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Woody runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

The overlap from Peter Griffin, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. The cross from Peter Griffin is miles away from Buzz Lightyear, completely off the mark. Thomas the Tank Engine goes long for Wally West, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Wally West switches the play to Agatha Trunchbull on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

Thomas the Tank Engine launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Wally West after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Wally West loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. Ball plucked out of the air by Thomas the Tank Engine, total composure. Wally West keeps it short to Woody, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Rapid combination: Snoop Dogg to Wally West, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Big strike from the superhero, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times. Corner from Wally West, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears.

Short distribution from Thomas the Tank Engine to Bob the Builder, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. The master builder opens up to Peter Griffin on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Peter Griffin rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

Great vision from Eric Cartman who switches to Woody. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Aerial duel won by Woody, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender. Woody throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Donald Trump wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down.

FULL TIME! Wally West jumps on Thomas the Tank Engine's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. México No-Era-Penal shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. Doreen from Devon says cream first and she will take this to her grave. National Trust cream tea for Doreen! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

Snoop Dogg sees what nobody else sees and puts Wally West through on goal with a genius through ball. GOOOOOAL! Wally West was THERE where he needed to be, he toes the ball into the empty net. What a fox!

Snoop Dogg finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Woody plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Little shift from Donald Trump to Arthur Mitchell, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Oh my word Arthur Mitchell fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Donald Trump fires the ball over to Peter Griffin with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

They've nicked a goal! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib catch us cold on the break.

Bob the Builder slips it to Snoop Dogg on the short corner, the defense stretches to follow. Snoop Dogg finds Eric Cartman between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Eric Cartman picks out Buzz Lightyear with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. The photographer switches the play to Woody, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Their midfielder is hounded off the ball, hoofs it into the stands. Free kick conceded by the master builder, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. Booking for the master builder, too many fouls stacking up. That role demands discipline. Bob the Builder nudges the ball to Buzz Lightyear from the free kick, the wall has been beaten by guile. Buzz Lightyear has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out.

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. Eric Cartman shifts uncomfortably on the bench. Donald Trump picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." Thomas the Tank Engine accidentally went live on Instagram while singing Spice Girls in the bath. The clip hit 2 million views before the 28-year-old even noticed — Mel B reportedly sent a thumbs up. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 4455 and answer this question: 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?' The second period begins and Bob the Builder launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Crucial intervention from the cowboy, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Lay-off from Woody to Eric Cartman, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something.

Thomas the Tank Engine sends an absolute rocket towards Snoop Dogg, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. The activist rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Snoop Dogg launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Magnificent leap from Wally West who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Good ball from Wally West to Peter Griffin, playing it quick between the lines.

The corner from the player is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners. Wally West opens up to Buzz Lightyear on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

Thomas the Tank Engine sparks the transition with a quick throw to Wally West, the break is lightning fast. Superb diagonal from the superhero to Buzz Lightyear, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. The photographer finds Eric Cartman along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Inch-perfect tackle by Wally West, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Smooth transition from Wally West to Donald Trump, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Donald Trump takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Donald Trump chops the opponent down at the halfway line. Stops the counter. Yellow card for the investor, persistent infringement. Can't keep fouling from that spot on the pitch.

Wall pass between the photographer and Snoop Dogg, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. Buzz Lightyear explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. The dribble from Buzz Lightyear fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Snoop Dogg sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. The activist hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Level. Buzz Lightyear picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Bob the Builder waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?'. The answer was of course mauve, after a council vote determined it was too exciting for a town built entirely of roundabouts. Trevor wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-4 (L)

GOAL! Dakar Teranga FC find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Free kick conceded by Buzz Lightyear, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. Buzz Lightyear plays the free kick as a cross, Agatha Trunchbull finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown. GOOOOOAL! Agatha Trunchbull climbs higher than anyone on the pass from Arthur Mitchell and powers an UNSTOPPABLE header!

GOAAAL! Dakar Teranga FC make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Thomas the Tank Engine and Arthur Mitchell do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Thomas the Tank Engine arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Peter Griffin plays the simple ball to Woody, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Good ball from the cowboy to Eric Cartman, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Clean lay-off from the school student to Snoop Dogg into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. Snoop Dogg peels off his marker too early, he's offside from Arthur Mitchell's delivery. Free kick.

GOAL for Dakar Teranga FC! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. Thomas the Tank Engine sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. Snoop Dogg is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. We can exclusively reveal that Snoop Dogg, standing 180, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3030 and answer this question: 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Snoop Dogg comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. The ball from Donald Trump rips through the defensive curtain, Buzz Lightyear is flying into the space like an arrow. The photographer was beyond the last man when Bob the Builder played it. Clear offside.

Diagonal from Woody to Peter Griffin, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Pass into no-man's land from Peter Griffin, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Classy interception from Bob the Builder, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Bob the Builder drops a lofted ball to Snoop Dogg, it sails over the entire midfield line.

It's in the back of the net! Dakar Teranga FC celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Thomas the Tank Engine slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Snoop Dogg photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. It's all going one way, the pressure is relentless. Arthur Mitchell puts the ball right into the mixer, Wally West arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster.

Quick exchange between Donald Trump and Eric Cartman, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Cut-back along the ground from Eric Cartman on the right, Arthur Mitchell picks it up centrally in front of goal. Massive chance.

Every throw-in becomes a corner, every corner becomes a chance. Thomas the Tank Engine, the player, is up for the corner! Goal is wide open behind him. Enormous leap from the cowboy who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Woody spreads it to Snoop Dogg, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

Peter Griffin hounds the goalkeeper on his distribution and wins the ball on the edge of the box. Audacity rewarded. Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. Burst of speed from Snoop Dogg, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

Massive clearance from Donald Trump, just get the ball as far away as possible. The player finds Agatha Trunchbull with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Agatha Trunchbull goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Agatha Trunchbull hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match.

Bob the Builder gives it to Wally West into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Wally West tries to pick out Peter Griffin on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. Decisive glance from Agatha Trunchbull who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Short pass from the head teacher to Woody, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The cowboy plays it simple to Peter Griffin, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Lost it. Peter Griffin kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Arthur Mitchell hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?'. The answer was of course 2,400 if written in capitals, or 1,200 if you use passive aggression. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-2 (L)

Bob the Builder pulls off a nutmeg with flair, he pushes the ball one side and glides past the other. Genius. GOOOAL from the master builder in genius mode! In that position, when you have that ability to make the difference all on your own, you win the impossible matches.

Bob the Builder stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Arthur Mitchell comes over and hugs him without a word.

Lobbed cross from Eric Cartman, the ball sails over the defenders and finds Donald Trump running in behind. The investor hits it on the volley and sends it over. In that position, attempting that is what makes football beautiful, the next one's going in. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Douala Makossa-Corner score right on the stroke of half-time.

Thomas the Tank Engine runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Peter Griffin gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Donald Trump uses Arthur Mitchell as a wall, the return is instant, Donald Trump carries on into space. Crystal clear. Donald Trump powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Donald Trump sets up Woody with a pull-back in the heart of the area, that is a silk delivery.

Crossfield pass from Arthur Mitchell to Buzz Lightyear, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Aerial duel lost by Buzz Lightyear, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. Thomas the Tank Engine gets a hand from nowhere and diverts the shot! So close to a goal but the keeper says no.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Peter Griffin stares at the floor. Bob the Builder cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. Now here's one for you — Woody was reportedly spotted in a Wetherspoons at half seven on a Tuesday morning, nursing a full English and reading the Racing Post. At 180 tall, he says the big breakfast is the only thing that fuels a man his size. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6688 and answer this question: 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Thomas the Tank Engine knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Short restart from Thomas the Tank Engine to Buzz Lightyear, building from the back nice and tidy. Superb diagonal from the photographer to Woody, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Phenomenal leap from Woody who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him. Massive clearance from the cowboy under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. The cowboy dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces.

Beautiful distribution from Thomas the Tank Engine to Snoop Dogg, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Snoop Dogg wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination. Burst of speed from the activist down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Snoop Dogg pulls it back for Woody in the danger zone, the whole ground holds its breath. Thomas the Tank Engine rescues his side with an insane reflex save! Heroic stuff.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. Enormous run from Woody to get back! Cuts across the attacker's path and blocks the shot. Heroic. Oh what a challenge! Woody goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful.

Arthur Mitchell embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace. Arthur Mitchell catches the attacker with a knee-high challenge. The bench is up in arms. The ref shows yellow to Arthur Mitchell. That raised arm in the duel was out of order. Free kick blocked for the player! In that position, when the wall stands firm, it's ROUTINE in football, you have to keep the faith.

One touch football: Snoop Dogg to Bob the Builder, faster than the opposition can think. Bob the Builder drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air. Snoop Dogg feeds Donald Trump in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

And it's in! Douala Makossa-Corner take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Perfect back flip from Thomas the Tank Engine right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Arthur Mitchell tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Thomas the Tank Engine has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

The corner from Arthur Mitchell picks out Peter Griffin in the box, glancing header but it drifts past the post. Thomas the Tank Engine fires it out quickly by hand to Agatha Trunchbull, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Agatha Trunchbull burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Cross from the right by Agatha Trunchbull, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Snoop Dogg at the back post.

Arthur Mitchell goes straight to the bus without showering. Sits at the back, hood up, headphones in. Buzz Lightyear takes the seat across the aisle but doesn't try to talk. The motorway lights flicker past the window. Sometimes silence is the only honest response. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?'. The answer was of course faster than light but slower than the service, which is technically impossible but somehow true. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Agatha Trunchbull rolls it to Buzz Lightyear, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Killer ball from Buzz Lightyear through the gap! Peter Griffin bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Peter Griffin winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

Good ball from the investor to Wally West, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Wally West rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Snoop Dogg. The far side is completely deserted. Snoop Dogg bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Woody wins the aerial battle.

Peter Griffin slides it to Donald Trump, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Donald Trump spots Wally West peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive. Good cross from the superhero for Woody in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. What a SHAMBLES in the box after Woody's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds!

Arthur Mitchell weights his pass into the space for Eric Cartman who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Overlap from the school student with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Eric Cartman dinks a lob over the defenders for Bob the Builder, the ball lands like a feather. Aerial claim from the player, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear. The player throws it out to Buzz Lightyear, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Peter Griffin paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Peter Griffin exhales and sits. Eric Cartman is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 28-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Woody wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Donald Trump intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Donald Trump sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Buzz Lightyear. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Pinpoint delivery from the photographer towards Peter Griffin, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Peter Griffin powers his header, the ball rockets over the crossbar. It was that close.

Lovely use of the ball by Woody, finding Agatha Trunchbull in a tight pocket of space. Quality. The head teacher gets to the byline and floats one in for Woody. Crossing is his bread and butter. The cross from Woody is deflected off a defender's foot. Corner to the attacking side. Tidy restart from Thomas the Tank Engine along the deck to Donald Trump, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Donald Trump springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference.

Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Massive fail from Snoop Dogg on that effort! The ball goes so far wide the keeper had a chuckle. The player goes long for Buzz Lightyear, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

Clearance from the player towards Donald Trump, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Sideways ball from Donald Trump to Woody, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Woody plays it simple to Peter Griffin, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

The superhero positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Wally West delivers a tidy ball to Agatha Trunchbull, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Nutmeg from Agatha Trunchbull on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. The head teacher bends the ball into the box for Arthur Mitchell. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. The player thumps his header wide of the post. In that position, chances like that do not come around often, shame about the accuracy.

Thomas the Tank Engine catapults the ball towards Eric Cartman from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Raking ball from the school student to Donald Trump, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Pass into space from Donald Trump for Eric Cartman, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. Eric Cartman pulls it back along the ground for Buzz Lightyear, that is the perfect cut-back! Buzz Lightyear with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one!

Points shared. Eric Cartman sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Donald Trump crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

0-1 (L)

It's a goal! Barranquilla Toque-Toque go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Thomas the Tank Engine runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Woody gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

The player finds Donald Trump along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Donald Trump to Bob the Builder, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Bob the Builder frees up the entire channel for Eric Cartman with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Offside trap catches Eric Cartman out. Buzz Lightyear played it quickly but not quickly enough.

Clinical interception from Buzz Lightyear, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Buzz Lightyear slips Woody in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Dummy from Woody, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done. Good cross from the cowboy for Wally West in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. HEAAAAADER from Wally West! He launches himself at the cross from Snoop Dogg but it goes just over!

The player sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. Failed! Arthur Mitchell goes on a dribble but the opposing midfielder wins it back without breaking a sweat. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end.

The investor launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. The school student is beaten in the air, the attacker got higher. Losing an aerial duel like that in his position puts the whole team in danger. The superhero misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in. Wally West hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job!

The boss is so angry he has gone quiet. That is when you know it is really bad. He speaks barely above a whisper: "In twenty years of management, I have never been so embarrassed. Never. Arthur Mitchell, you were a ghost out there. The rest of you were not much better." Every word lands like a hammer. Planning records show Donald Trump's neighbours filed a noise complaint after the 80-year-old installed a full-size goal in the back garden and practised penalties at half six in the morning. The fence has never recovered. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 5050 and answer this question: 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?' And they are off! Woody touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Eric Cartman puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Peter Griffin comes steaming in. What a leap from Peter Griffin! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Lifesaving clearance from Peter Griffin! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

Royal interception from Wally West! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Wally West sends an aerial beauty to Eric Cartman, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Bodies everywhere, nobody cares about fatigue, they just need a goal. The keeper Thomas the Tank Engine towers over every defender, he's come up to win the aerial duel. Aerial duel won by the photographer, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Good ball from the photographer to Donald Trump, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Monumental ball from Agatha Trunchbull to Eric Cartman, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

Free kick from Peter Griffin, he puts a whipped ball into the box and Bob the Builder is onto it! Bob the Builder thumps his header on the delivery from Donald Trump but it sails over. Emergency clearance from the master builder, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Commanding header from Buzz Lightyear who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Buzz Lightyear did not budge an inch.

A team possessed now, everything is clicking into place. The school student whips in a classic cross for Bob the Builder in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. The opponent gets the better of the master builder in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak.

That's that, then. Donald Trump trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Arthur Mitchell hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?'. The answer was of course seven and a half, but only on formal occasions. Doreen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-2 (L)

Well spotted by Buzz Lightyear who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. OOH the OUTRAGEOUS strike from Buzz Lightyear! From over 25 yards out he beats the keeper, the goal is SUMPTUOUS!

Buzz Lightyear stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Donald Trump follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Thomas the Tank Engine plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Oh no, Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Magnificent low block, holding out like a besieged fortress. Emergency clearance from Woody, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Brilliant switch of play from Peter Griffin! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Arthur Mitchell.

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Telepathic pass from Bob the Builder to Arthur Mitchell, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence.

The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Switch from Donald Trump! The ball arcs over the midfield and Arthur Mitchell collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. The player loses his aerial duel, the opponent beat him in the air. In that position, losing a header can be very costly.

Agatha Trunchbull cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Reports suggest that Arthur Mitchell once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 28 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2626 and answer this question: 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?' And the second half is go! Agatha Trunchbull charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Monster press from Peter Griffin! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe. Peter Griffin shifts it to Agatha Trunchbull with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Overlap from Agatha Trunchbull on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Aimless cross from Agatha Trunchbull, not for Buzz Lightyear, not for anyone. That is a waste.

The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now. Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. High recovery from Agatha Trunchbull who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Nutmeg from Agatha Trunchbull, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that.

On the corner from Arthur Mitchell, Donald Trump heads it at the back post but it is too high. Missed the target. Long kick from Thomas the Tank Engine, Arthur Mitchell positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Arthur Mitchell wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Bob the Builder. Aerial dominance in the service of the team.

Suffocating pressure, defenders can't get out of their own half. Right-footed cross from Eric Cartman, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Woody. Poor cross from the cowboy, the keeper collects. From that flank, you need more precision to cause damage. Peter Griffin lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war.

Textbook low block, the opposition can't find a way through at all. The player narrows the angle and gathers at the feet. In that position, that courage and reading of the game wins you matches. Thomas the Tank Engine plays it short to Agatha Trunchbull, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Lovely anticipation from the head teacher who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. The head teacher devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match.

GOAL for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

The player reads the movement before anyone else and puts Buzz Lightyear into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. Acceleration from Buzz Lightyear down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Buzz Lightyear crosses but it is a poor delivery, it goes three yards wide of Arthur Mitchell. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

It's over and Montevideo Garra-Charrúa take points. Wally West shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Peter Griffin walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course none, they're the same stop, the bus just goes round twice for dramatic effect. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-2 (L)

It's there! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Thomas the Tank Engine spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Donald Trump gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

The activist spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Bob the Builder. That is exactly why he is out there. GOOOOAL from Bob the Builder! The ball was loose, he sniffed it out and BANG, in off the toe!

Snoop Dogg legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Eric Cartman tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Instinctive clearance from Wally West who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. The investor is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. OHHH the header from Eric Cartman off the cross from Agatha Trunchbull! It flies a whisker past the post! The keeper had no chance. Woody scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

The master builder puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. Agatha Trunchbull meets the cross from Peter Griffin with his head but it goes over the bar! Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative.

Huge interception from Woody! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Through ball from the cowboy for Bob the Builder, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. The master builder roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Bob the Builder clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Woody gets across the near post first. Lovely claim from Thomas the Tank Engine! He comes through traffic and gathers without flinching. Top class goalkeeping.

Buzz Lightyear punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." Club sources confirm Thomas the Tank Engine has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 28, the 180-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Catchphrase It Yourself! To win a complete set of Allen keys from IKEA, text 0800FLAT and answer: 'How many leftover screws is it acceptable to have after building a Billy bookcase?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Thomas the Tank Engine does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Agatha Trunchbull bounces off Woody, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. Agatha Trunchbull gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Bob the Builder just needs to sidefoot it home. OHHH the save from Thomas the Tank Engine! Hit hard and true but the keeper is from ANOTHER GALAXY. Short restart from the player to Agatha Trunchbull, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Agatha Trunchbull attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious.

The superhero plays the one-two with Agatha Trunchbull and finds himself through. When you have got that understanding on the pitch, you cause havoc. Wally West is caught offside from Eric Cartman's through ball. Flag goes up straight away. Thomas the Tank Engine opts for the short option to Arthur Mitchell, keeping possession, building play, no panic. The player finds Eric Cartman along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Step-overs from Eric Cartman, the defender has lost the ball completely.

Woody launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Peter Griffin winds up the right foot and LEEEEETS FLY! On target, heading top bins but the keeper claws it out! Corner from Peter Griffin, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

The photographer produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Agatha Trunchbull tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved!

Massive diagonal from Eric Cartman! Bob the Builder receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. The master builder overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. The master builder lays it off first time to Snoop Dogg, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The activist plays it simple to Woody, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Woody and Peter Griffin find each other blindfolded, instant one-two, the channel is open.

It's a goal for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Thomas the Tank Engine strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Woody points at it, jaw on the floor. Thomas the Tank Engine shakes his head, not believing it.

The cowboy opens up to Bob the Builder on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Masterful aerial duel from Bob the Builder, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Bob the Builder gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Cut-back from Bob the Builder, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Peter Griffin. Shot blocked from the player! In that role, frustrating one, the strike was good but the defender threw himself in front of it.

Defeat. Eric Cartman sits on the pitch long after the whistle, knees pulled up, replaying every mistake in his head. Donald Trump comes back out from the tunnel to get him: "Come on, mate. Can't stay here all night." The groundsman's already got the sprinklers going. Ingrid from Milton Keynes says three leftover screws is fine but anything above five and the whole thing is coming down. Allen keys for Ingrid! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-1 (L)

It's a total siege, forwards throwing themselves at every cross. GOOOOL from Bob the Builder! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Eric Cartman, the ball brushes the post and is in!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The cross from the school student ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position. Thomas the Tank Engine comes out to the penalty spot and grabs the ball. Aerial command, all under control. Quick one-two between Wally West and Woody, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

GOAL for Rio Malandro FC! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Thomas the Tank Engine sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Woody snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Thomas the Tank Engine waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Pitch-length run from the school student, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. Wide from the school student! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. Thomas the Tank Engine throws it out quickly to Agatha Trunchbull, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Agatha Trunchbull wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Interception from Donald Trump right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Superb diagonal from the investor to Buzz Lightyear, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. The photographer roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. The photographer sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters. Clearance from Arthur Mitchell under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Arthur Mitchell winces. Agatha Trunchbull looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. A Ryanair mix-up saw Bob the Builder land in Bratislava instead of Barcelona for a pre-season friendly. The 28-year-old spent 14 hours in a Slovak kebab shop before the club sent a rescue taxi. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6688 and answer this question: 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Donald Trump high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. The player cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Eric Cartman. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat.

The block holds firm, opposition pushes but it's all in vain. The photographer puts in a ridiculous recovery run, comes from nowhere to save the day. In that position, that kind of effort is pure gold. The player dives at the ball and wins the duel. In that position, when you have that bravery, you are a true number one. The team is resisting with real discipline, no cracks in the shape.

The cowboy starts a one-two with Peter Griffin, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class. Woody takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Ball lost by Woody, he tried to dribble but the defender shut the door. What a block! Buzz Lightyear slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Buzz Lightyear thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work.

Arthur Mitchell floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Overlap from the player with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. No luck for Arthur Mitchell, the dribble does not come off, the defender anticipates and steals the ball. Peter Griffin reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception.

Bob the Builder jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Thomas the Tank Engine sticks out a foot and pushes it away, reflex save with the leg! Thomas the Tank Engine distributes short to Donald Trump, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

The player dummies the shot and plays it short. In that position, that ability to read the defence and pick the right option is what separates the great players. Agatha Trunchbull lays it off first time to Eric Cartman, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Eric Cartman crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Woody is there to meet it. The player pushes the shot away with an iron fist. In that position, reflexes are everything, and right there he was MONUMENTAL.

Stalemate at home. Thomas the Tank Engine and Snoop Dogg embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?'. The answer was of course faster than light but slower than the service, which is technically impossible but somehow true. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

Woody reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. GOOOAL for Woody! On the lay-off from Arthur Mitchell, he unleashes a strike from 30 yards and beats the keeper!

The pile at the corner flag. Woody is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Thomas the Tank Engine arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Peter Griffin slides a beauty through the gap, Snoop Dogg is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. CRAAACKER from Snoop Dogg outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... The player goes long for Donald Trump, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Good ball from the investor to Arthur Mitchell, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Arthur Mitchell wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

Arthur Mitchell plays the free kick short and fast to Wally West, they catch everyone on the hop. Firm pass from Wally West into Arthur Mitchell, right into the boots. No waste.

Authoritative clearance from Woody in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening. The activist finds Buzz Lightyear in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. Dreadful pass from Buzz Lightyear, lands three yards away from the target. Snoop Dogg can do nothing with that.

The photographer reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Buzz Lightyear embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal. The photographer tries one dribble too many and loses the ball. In that position, you have got to know when to release it. Agatha Trunchbull intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch.

The gaffer points at Donald Trump: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Donald Trump clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. Peter Griffin is reportedly banned from a laser tag centre in Milton Keynes after taking it 'way too seriously' during a teammate's birthday. The 70-year-old allegedly slide-tackled a twelve-year-old. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' Right then, part two. Buzz Lightyear adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Oh no, Istanbul Cehennem FK score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Thomas the Tank Engine finds Arthur Mitchell with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Arthur Mitchell anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Arthur Mitchell launches it to Woody on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

The corner from the master builder was spot on but the header goes over. In that position, you do your job with the delivery, the attackers need to finish. Thomas the Tank Engine rolls it short to Bob the Builder into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Bob the Builder picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Bob the Builder gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Arthur Mitchell.

Buzz Lightyear reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Buzz Lightyear spots the run from Peter Griffin and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! The player is flagged offside by a whisker on Donald Trump's ball, agonising decision.

Arthur Mitchell nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy. Blatant tug from Arthur Mitchell on the attacker's shirt, the ref saw everything. Yellow card for Arthur Mitchell, he clipped the heels of the attacker in full stride. Pure gamesmanship. Short free kick from Arthur Mitchell, Agatha Trunchbull receives in space and can play on.

They've scored! Istanbul Cehennem FK break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Snoop Dogg powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. The activist lays it off for Arthur Mitchell in the box. The pull-back pass is the deadliest weapon in that position. NOOOOO Arthur Mitchell! The goal was empty, Donald Trump puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up.

Thomas the Tank Engine goes straight to the bus without showering. Sits at the back, hood up, headphones in. Wally West takes the seat across the aisle but doesn't try to talk. The motorway lights flicker past the window. Sometimes silence is the only honest response. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-3 (L)

Bob the Builder puts the corner in, MELEE in the six-yard box! The ball bounces around, defense clears eventually! GOOOAL from the activist! Toed in to the empty net. In that position, knowing how to be in the right place at the right time is what scores you 20 a season.

GOAAAL for Milano Piano-Piano! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

The pace is mental, nobody knows how this is going to end. The player Thomas the Tank Engine arrives in the box, head high, still believing. Bob the Builder gets his head on it, good timing but wrong direction, it drifts wide. Monster clearance from Thomas the Tank Engine, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Eric Cartman.

Short build-up from Peter Griffin to Snoop Dogg, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Give and go from the activist with Arthur Mitchell, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold. Snoop Dogg breaks through but the flag is already up. Donald Trump's ball came just too late. The player goes long for Agatha Trunchbull, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Decisive interception from Agatha Trunchbull who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Agatha Trunchbull saw it all.

Peter Griffin pulls out a showboating piece of skill, the defender is a spectator to his own downfall. The player roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Peter Griffin whips in a cross at head height, Buzz Lightyear anticipates and gets ahead of his marker.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Bob the Builder grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Buzz Lightyear is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. You won't believe this, but Buzz Lightyear has been collecting Tesco Clubcard points since he was fourteen years old. Word in the dressing room is he's sitting on over two million points and still won't spend them. Saving up for a caravan in Skegness, apparently. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 1133 and answer this question: 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?' And the second half is go! Bob the Builder charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Bob the Builder pings a long diagonal to Agatha Trunchbull, completely shifts the point of attack. Agatha Trunchbull takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Agatha Trunchbull gets dispossessed by the defender at full speed, the dribble has failed. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff.

Nightmare! Milano Piano-Piano score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. The head teacher finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Eric Cartman clean through. Pure genius from that position. Eric Cartman makes the run but he's gone too soon. Arthur Mitchell's pass comes a split second late.

Heroic low block, every single player at his post. Thomas the Tank Engine blocks with his entire body! The attacker is smothered, the ball is dead, what a save! The photographer boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Snoop Dogg slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

GOAAAL for Milano Piano-Piano! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Thomas the Tank Engine arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Eric Cartman slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Bob the Builder puts Donald Trump in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. Donald Trump delivers from the byline, Buzz Lightyear is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. The photographer heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on.

Eric Cartman starts the one-two with Arthur Mitchell, the ball comes back in stride and it is done. Two touches, three yards gained. Burst of speed from the school student down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. The school student fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. Short free kick played by Eric Cartman, Bob the Builder receives at the edge of the box after the one-two.

Eric Cartman charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. The referee BLOWS! PENALTY! Eric Cartman has been illegally stopped in the box by the defender. The spot is pointed to, the stadium holds its BREATH, everything is decided HERE and NOW! Eric Cartman misses the penalty! The ball sails over the crossbar. He's absolutely crushed.

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Buzz Lightyear shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Snoop Dogg is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?'. The answer was of course Watford Gap, for its outstanding performance in the category of Sustained Disappointment. Maureen wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-3 (L)

Long ball from Thomas the Tank Engine for Wally West who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Wally West loses his aerial duel, the opponent got higher and won everything. Not much he could do. Headed goal for Donald Trump from the perfect cross by Arthur Mitchell, the keeper is beaten.

Thomas the Tank Engine mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Donald Trump does the wave with contortionist grace. Thomas the Tank Engine solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Donald Trump clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Thomas the Tank Engine boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Snoop Dogg! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Underhit ball from Snoop Dogg, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it.

The cowboy reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. The cowboy finds Wally West along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Wally West does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. Short pass from the superhero to Donald Trump, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Incredible burst of pace from Bob the Builder, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Bob the Builder storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. The ref is at the monitor, watching the replay over and over. The suspense is killing everyone. VAR correction against the master builder! In that role you can't cheat — the video is watching. Quick throw from Thomas the Tank Engine to Donald Trump out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Eric Cartman grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Buzz Lightyear is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. Woody once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 28-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Richard and Judy's Revenge! To win a book club pick nobody actually read, text 4789 and answer: 'What percentage of book club members actually finish the book?' Out they come. Woody has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

What a disaster! Sevilla Olé-Olé score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Thomas the Tank Engine plays it along the ground to Bob the Builder, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Bob the Builder absolutely butchers that pass, straight into the feet of the opposition. Eric Cartman throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Extraordinary run from Bob the Builder, he beats three men and arrives at the edge of the box.

Holding foul by the photographer, grabs the attacker by the arm. Free kick. Yellow card. Buzz Lightyear grabbed the shirt and dragged the man back. Textbook professional foul. Dangerous delivery from the photographer on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Header from the investor, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there. Thomas the Tank Engine takes his time and plays it short to Woody. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch.

Agatha Trunchbull puts it right into the feet of Arthur Mitchell, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. Just wide! Arthur Mitchell struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision.

Firm pass from Arthur Mitchell into Buzz Lightyear, right into the boots. No waste. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. The master builder plays it simple to Snoop Dogg, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The activist overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon.

Bob the Builder plays a low free kick into the box, Snoop Dogg cuts across to meet it in front of goal. Snoop Dogg tries to cross but it is deflected behind for a corner by the defender. Corner cleared by the defence, the superhero was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations.

Oh that's poor! Sevilla Olé-Olé score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Thomas the Tank Engine runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Arthur Mitchell gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Driven kick from Thomas the Tank Engine to Bob the Builder, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Bob the Builder throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Bob the Builder sets it for Peter Griffin, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. The player finds Woody along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Lost it. Thomas the Tank Engine kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Buzz Lightyear hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." Christine from Eastbourne says roughly twelve percent finish the book and the rest just say it was quite good actually. Book club pick for Christine! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-4 (L)

Disaster! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Three-man routine: Thomas the Tank Engine, Woody and Thomas the Tank Engine do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Last minute of regulation time, playing with their teeth in the ball. player during the week, keeper today, Thomas the Tank Engine goes up for this decisive corner. OHHHH the HEEEEADER from Peter Griffin! On the gift from Bob the Builder, he plants the ball perfectly and beats the keeper!

Thomas the Tank Engine and Buzz Lightyear do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Thomas the Tank Engine arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Ball in behind from the player, Eric Cartman is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Eric Cartman just tips offside on the pass from Bob the Builder, the linesman doesn't hesitate. Harsh! We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment.

Peter Griffin puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Buzz Lightyear is there to finish. Buzz Lightyear attempts a cross for Woody but the defender intervenes and deflects it behind.

It was bound to happen. München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score and honestly, we deserved that.

Thomas the Tank Engine runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Thomas the Tank Engine tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Bob the Builder's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Bob the Builder takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. Buzz Lightyear has worn the same pair of lucky pants for every match since 2021. At 28, the 180-tall star insists they've been washed but teammates remain unconvinced, describing the aroma as 'motivational.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Fink! To win a voucher for the Wetherspoons breakfast, text 5567 and answer: 'What is the cheapest full English breakfast in Britain and does it come with unlimited toast?' And the second half is go! Wally West charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Buzz Lightyear sets it for Donald Trump, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Good ball from the investor to Woody, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Woody spots the gap and sends Peter Griffin into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Nutmeg from the player on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. Lay-off from Peter Griffin to Snoop Dogg, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. Wally West puts Buzz Lightyear into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. The offside trap works a treat, Buzz Lightyear is caught out as Peter Griffin plays the ball forward. Monster clearance from Eric Cartman! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Massive punt from Thomas the Tank Engine, sends the ball sixty yards, Snoop Dogg is scrapping for it up top.

It's there! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Thomas the Tank Engine climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Eric Cartman films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

The master builder bounces off Buzz Lightyear for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better. Bob the Builder slides the ball across the ground in the box, Agatha Trunchbull arrives for the finish. The player tips the strike around the post. In that position, when you have that level of reflexes, you are untouchable. Thomas the Tank Engine hoofs it forward towards Donald Trump, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Donald Trump scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment.

You can feel it coming any second, the stadium holds its breath. Bob the Builder launches the ball with his head off the delivery from Wally West, it flies wide. Agonising. Thomas the Tank Engine distributes by hand to Buzz Lightyear on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

And that's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Thomas the Tank Engine points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Donald Trump comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

We enter stoppage time, every touch of the ball could be decisive. Short build-up from Wally West to Peter Griffin, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. The player presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match.

Short restart from the player to Agatha Trunchbull, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Agatha Trunchbull feeds Arthur Mitchell in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. The player finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Snoop Dogg clean through. Pure genius from that position.

Bob the Builder sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear. The cowboy boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Eric Cartman triggers a change of flanks for Peter Griffin, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. The player plays it simple to Wally West, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Wally West nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence.

Defeat against München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Arthur Mitchell fronts up to the media: "Not good enough. My fault as much as anyone's." Short, honest, painful. Bob the Builder waits for him outside the press room. They walk to the car park together. The floodlights click off behind them. Baz from Middlesbrough says two pounds ninety-nine at the Spoons on the high street and yes the toast is unlimited. Breakfast voucher for Baz! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

Decisive interception from the superhero, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Wally West catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. OHHH the GOAL from Wally West! On the gift from Agatha Trunchbull, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Wally West fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Donald Trump plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

The momentum has well and truly shifted, one-way traffic now. Eric Cartman looks up and swings in a floated cross, Peter Griffin rises among the defenders. Peter Griffin wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance.

The player goes long for Snoop Dogg, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Snoop Dogg keeps it short to Wally West, no frills, just good football intelligence. Wing switch from Wally West, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Buzz Lightyear brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Buzz Lightyear sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Buzz Lightyear rolls it back across the turf, Eric Cartman is lurking in the box, ready to pounce.

Swarming press, the opposition doesn't know which way to turn. Wally West reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Wally West was quicker. Wally West goes crossfield to Snoop Dogg, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. That is a tackle of the highest order from Snoop Dogg. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic.

Peter Griffin swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Bob the Builder, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. The master builder overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Bob the Builder puts it right into the feet of Donald Trump, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Donald Trump to Peter Griffin, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Peter Griffin is biting {his} nails in the corner. Agatha Trunchbull stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. We're told that Thomas the Tank Engine once auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing during the off-season. Didn't make it past the first round, but Craig Revel Horwood apparently said his footwork was 'not entirely dreadful,' which is high praise from that man. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9090 and answer this question: 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Wally West squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Oh dear oh dear! London Three-Pints score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Enormous clearance from Donald Trump inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Peter Griffin rolls it to Eric Cartman, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Eric Cartman presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Eric Cartman lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating.

Wally West steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. Wally West is cautioned for his protests. The ref warned him twice already. Wally West shapes to shoot but plays it short to Woody, the defence is caught flat-footed. Strike from Woody that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal.

The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. The master builder catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. Bob the Builder is finally booked. The constant fouling was becoming a joke out there. Bob the Builder's free kick ends up in the wall, no way through.

Peter Griffin sticks to the opposition midfielder and ends up winning the ball in a dangerous area. Pressing is sacrifice, and Peter Griffin has it in buckets. Key pass from Peter Griffin! It fizzes between the lines and Arthur Mitchell collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. Arthur Mitchell tries to find Bob the Builder but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Enormous anticipation from Peter Griffin who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Peter Griffin boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

The corner from Eric Cartman is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. The head teacher positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Smooth transition from Agatha Trunchbull to Eric Cartman, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Honours even. Peter Griffin swaps shirts with one of the London Three-Pints lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Thomas the Tank Engine, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?'. The answer was of course 1847, and Team GB has won gold at every Olympics since, though nobody noticed because the medal ceremony queue was too long. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.