My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

73-118 (L)

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Second pass beats the rotation, Captain America to Iron Man, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Iron Man went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Timed to the tenth of a second, thrown to a spot only one man in this gym can get to, and Iron Man hammers it home like it is nothing.

Iron Man plants himself in front of the Detroit Engine-Roar bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The military personnel is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Give and go! Iron Man gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the superhero! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Halftime whistle! Thor slides down against the hallway wall. Fun fact: Thor tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Smell! To win a barbecue apron that reads KISS THE FORKLIFT OPERATOR, text HOOPS to 555-0357 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of orange slices or a pound of team spirit?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

The defender planted his feet, and Captain America said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. The military personnel hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

Thor splits the trap, then gives it all back by drifting over the line. A turnover with extra steps.

A archer breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Baseline drive by Hawkeye, he absorbs the hammer from the help defender, and the official is already pointing to the line. First one drops clean through, the second one never even touches iron. Cold blooded from Hawkeye.

The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Iron Man punishes it with a read most guys never even see. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Hawkeye. Cruel.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Horn goes, ball still in the hands of Iron Man. Shot clock violation, and that possession never existed.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Captain America just did it by hitting Hawkeye on the back side with acres of room. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Hawkeye left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Hawkeye had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Captain America, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Somewhere an assistant coach is throwing a clipboard, because the military personnel baited that closeout from deep like a decade of film study went into it.

Captain America walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Hawkeye speeds up. Wants it to be over. And here is the answer to our game Name That Smell! Odell Trippett of Broke Axle, Alaska, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of orange slices or a pound of team spirit?' The answer was of course the orange slices, and it is not close. Odell takes home a barbecue apron that reads KISS THE FORKLIFT OPERATOR! Behind the scenes, I learned Hawkeye was also a military personnel in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

93-115 (L)

OHHHH the hesi! Hawkeye froze him solid and he is already gone! Down, up, and gone for Hawkeye. The rim is just toying with him now.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Captain America kicks it over to Inde Navarrette, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. The actor just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Long miss from the actor and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

Hawkeye gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Iron Man saw it a beat early. Dribble handoff from Hawkeye, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! The military personnel had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Both teams head to the locker room. Captain America wipes his forehead with his jersey. Intel: Captain America refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Is Broken! To win a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip, text HOOPS to 555-0781 and answer this question: 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.

The officials swallow a LOT of noise in this league, so understand exactly what it took for Thor to get whistled up for that one.

The extra pass! Hawkeye had the look, gave it up anyway, and Captain America buries it. BANG! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Captain America!

Inde Navarrette sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Captain America lays it right on his hands in traffic! OHHHH that is SILKY! Inde Navarrette with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Inde Navarrette watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

Captain America rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the military personnel, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Cross court, on a rope, from the archer. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Captain America drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Hawkeye, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Clean feed from Hawkeye, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Court vision like that on the superhero is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. The crowd has found its chant, and Inde Navarrette is going to be hearing it all night.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Iron Man launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Inde Navarrette holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Thor flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Thor attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Thor disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Hawkeye is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Captain America collapses into the first available chair. Iron Man stays standing, eyes glazed over. And here is the answer to our game show The Gong Show Is Broken! Gwendolyn Pyle of Half Moon Gulch, Montana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The answer was of course somewhere between four and nineteen minutes, depending on the score. Gwendolyn therefore wins a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

84-128 (L)

Screened, toasted, done. Hawkeye is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. The archer gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Captain America turns the corner off the screen from Inde Navarrette, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! That is a throwback bucket: Inde Navarrette with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

Inde Navarrette climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Thor refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Captain America controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Hawkeye comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Iron Man just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. That is the shot Iron Man wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Well-deserved break. Iron Man looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Exclusive: Iron Man was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! To win a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong, text HOOPS to 555-0066 and answer this question: 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Iron Man breaks a shell down. Right through the window. Hawkeye to Captain America on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Buzzer on the shot clock, Captain America heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

No hero ball here: Hawkeye takes what the defense gives and moves it along. OHHHH, what a read by Iron Man! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Inde Navarrette, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Over the top of everybody. Hawkeye to Inde Navarrette in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Inde Navarrette hands it off to Iron Man, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Inde Navarrette goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Orlando Magic-Beans with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Swing, swing, and Hawkeye finds Thor on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Unselfish basketball. Thor passes up a good shot and hands Iron Man a GREAT one. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the superhero! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Two free throws and the ball for the other side, that is the price of a flagrant two, and Captain America pays it from the tunnel.

Captain America feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. The ball skips around the perimeter, Iron Man finds the open man on the weak side, and Captain America buries it.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Captain America does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

That is five guys on a string and Inde Navarrette is the knot holding it together, because the corner gets covered behind him too.

Hawkeye sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Iron Man has his head in his hands. And here is the answer to our game Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! Wanda Sue Beezley of Rooster Comb, South Dakota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' The answer was of course forty-one, and three of them open nothing at all. Wanda Sue takes home a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong! Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

97-120 (L)

Laser from Hawkeye, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The actor pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Inde Navarrette put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

A cut with that timing from the superhero? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Iron Man beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Kick out to Hawkeye, one more to Thor, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Thor has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Break! Iron Man grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Anecdote: Iron Man lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Is Broken! To win a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip, text HOOPS to 555-0781 and answer this question: 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Captain America makes it every single trip down the floor. The superhero just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the superhero goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Iron Man lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Captain America drags Iron Man away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Watch the spacing there, Iron Man hits Hawkeye right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Hawkeye gives it up to Iron Man on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. The big man never even contested it, and Iron Man still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on Inde Navarrette. The actor sits down with four. You want to be furious, but honestly, he came here straight off a full shift.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Hawkeye. Hawkeye catches on the wing, jab step, spin move, and that pivot foot comes clean off the hardwood. Traveling.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The superhero just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Thor gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Hawkeye and an assistant coach who both want to hug Thor first. Thor lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the military personnel, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Hawkeye did all the dirty work on that one. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Inde Navarrette, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Under review. Inde Navarrette does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. No good! The ball is STILL sitting in the hand of Inde Navarrette when that light comes on. Waved off.

Captain America kicks his towel across the floor. Hawkeye has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game show The Gong Show Is Broken! Gwendolyn Pyle of Half Moon Gulch, Montana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The answer was of course somewhere between four and nineteen minutes, depending on the score. Gwendolyn therefore wins a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

76-121 (L)

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Captain America makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the archer and quietly turning off the TV.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Hawkeye threw it before the help even committed. A cut with that timing from the player? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Inde Navarrette threads a BEAUTY to Thor under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Captain America gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. The archer spots up in the corner and drills it like it is nothing. Somewhere a shooting coach is crying tears of joy.

Blowing smoke off two fingers like a gunslinger, Hawkeye holsters them in his waistband. Iron Man plays dead on the baseline. The mascot joins the bit uninvited. A referee has to physically separate a celebration from an inbound play.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Phoenix No-Defense with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

That's a wrap for now. Hawkeye dives into the tunnel. Confession: Hawkeye calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! To win a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn, text HOOPS to 555-0629 and answer this question: 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.

Three guys in warmups are halfway onto the floor celebrating what Captain America just did, and an official has to wave them back to their seats.

SKIP PASS! Captain America fires it cross court to Inde Navarrette and the defense is dead in the water! STOP AND GO! Inde Navarrette hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Inde Navarrette fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Inde Navarrette rises up and REJECTS the layup off the glass, and now he is barking at the whole building about it. One hand, full court, Inde Navarrette hits Captain America in stride and the crowd is already up. Reverse layup by Captain America, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Slow walk, no expression. Captain America backpedals past the Phoenix No-Defense huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Captain America has known that all night long. OHHHH, what a read by Inde Navarrette! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Oh my. Thor did not even draw iron.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Whistle! Inde Navarrette gets him on the arm. Personal foul, nothing clever about it. The actor is a single whistle from disqualification and he is STILL sliding his feet into the paint. Courage or a very bad week at work.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Nobody told the military personnel that a hot hand expires, and there he is launching from thirty feet with a defender draped all over him. Back to work.

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Captain America pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Rises, releases, and Captain America sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Thor unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Captain America runs a hand down his face. And here is the answer to our game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! Junior Applewhite of Gravy Bend, South Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' The answer was of course always 4:17, a time that has never done anybody any good. Junior therefore wins a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

82-127 (L)

Ball moves. Iron Man to Thor, on time and on target. POCKET PASS! Thor threads it to Hawkeye between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Perfect drop-off from Inde Navarrette, and Hawkeye answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Hawkeye does. Off the back iron for Hawkeye, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Hawkeye gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Pull-up from the elbow by Hawkeye, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Whirl, and GONE! Hawkeye leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. The archer launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Halftime! Thor has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Anecdote of the day: Thor forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Slightly Damp Prizes! To win a wind chime built entirely out of old belt buckles, text HOOPS to 555-0081 and answer this question: 'How long does a squeaky sneaker stay squeaky?' Back in action! The coach got the message across.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Hawkeye breaks a shell down. Down screen, and Iron Man curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Up goes the shot from Iron Man and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

BRICK! Thor throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court! OFFENSIVE GLASS! Hawkeye beats three men to the spot! Court vision like that on the archer is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Watch the footwork from Captain America: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. Inde Navarrette pays for that one. Five fouls on the actor. One more bump and he goes back to being just a guy with a normal job.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Over the top of everybody. Hawkeye to Captain America in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. The extra pass! Captain America had the look, gave it up anyway, and Hawkeye buries it. BANG! Long and gone. Hawkeye floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Baseline spin from Hawkeye at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Straight back to the office for the archer, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

HERE IT COMES! Every soul in this gym knows the ball is going to Captain America, and it may not matter one bit. Sixty seconds in the huddle and Iron Man cashes it without a single wasted dribble. Textbook.

Iron Man mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Los Angeles Nursing-Home fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Thor hurls his water bottle at the wall. Captain America flinches but doesn't react. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Slightly Damp Prizes! Geraldine Sump of Grimy Elbow, Washington, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How long does a squeaky sneaker stay squeaky?' The answer was of course until the exact second somebody else listens for it. Geraldine takes home a wind chime built entirely out of old belt buckles! On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

86-131 (L)

Swing, swing, and Iron Man finds Inde Navarrette on the wing before the help can even turn its head. You could hear the whole building groan, and Inde Navarrette knew it the second the ball left his fingers, already jogging back on defense.

Watch the change of pace from Captain America, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. AIRBALL! Captain America missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

OHHHH the theater from Thor! Barely a brush and he is flat on his back studying the scoreboard.

Four minutes without a point for Hawkeye and his group. The offense has completely seized up. Twenty-four seconds, zero shots. Hawkeye holds it, the buzzer sounds, and we give it back without ever testing the rim.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Well-deserved break. Inde Navarrette looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Anecdote: Inde Navarrette lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Seventy-Eight and a Half! To win a hand-crank ice cream maker missing the crank, text HOOPS to 555-0413 and answer this question: 'What is the average lifespan of an ink pen at a bank?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

Pass, skip, reversal, pass again. Inde Navarrette shifts with every single one of them and the possession ends in a contested fadeaway.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Looking for a breath, Inde Navarrette steps backward, one sneaker finds the wrong side of the stripe, and the whistle is instant.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Captain America passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Captain America probes the lane, cups the ball with two hands, then bounces it again. That is the violation they fix in third grade.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

OHHHH the separation! Captain America just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Straight through the traffic, straight through the contact. The military personnel finishes with a free throw coming and the paint suddenly feels very small.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Hawkeye makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Gift wrapped by Hawkeye, and Captain America cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Watch how they bury Inde Navarrette in the corner on the inbound. Nothing happens until he moves, and by then the defense is beaten. Thor delivers on the second option, Captain America buries it, and the coach is already walking back to the bench like he knew. He did know.

Captain America slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Captain America mutters 'damn' under his breath. Hawkeye says 'yeah' in the same tone. And here is the answer to our game Match Game Seventy-Eight and a Half! Roscoe Tidwell of Frog Level, Alabama, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the average lifespan of an ink pen at a bank?' The answer was of course nine minutes, after which it goes home with a man named Gary. Roscoe takes home a hand-crank ice cream maker missing the crank! My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

74-118 (L)

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Somebody explain how the military personnel reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Thor kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. That is what heavy minutes do, Captain America has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Hawkeye has all the room in the world. The archer just traveled so obviously the referee did not even need a second look. Stick to the day job, my guy.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Iron Man dribbles it out at the top of the key and never even looks at the basket.

Halftime whistle. Inde Navarrette spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Little secret: Inde Navarrette listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And now, our halftime TV game show Press Your Luck, Buddy! To win a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps, text HOOPS to 555-0451 and answer this question: 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

The superhero makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. BAAAANG! Thor sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. This building is SHAKING. Iron Man just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

WALLED OFF! Inde Navarrette slides over and the paint is CLOSED for business. The shooter saw Inde Navarrette rising into his eyeline, rushed the release, and caught nothing but the side of the rim.

Eyes on the ball, brain somewhere else, and both feet parked in the paint. Thor has to give that one back.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Swing, swing, and Captain America finds Hawkeye on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Here comes the slip from Inde Navarrette, and Hawkeye reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Clang. Inde Navarrette wants that one back.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Minnesota Ice-Wall with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

No roll this time. Captain America swings it right back to Hawkeye above the break, and it is PURE. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the archer, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

No hero ball here: Captain America takes what the defense gives and moves it along. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Hawkeye put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! BANG is what Hawkeye was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Timeout. Tablet out. And every line the coach draws starts with Iron Man. That is the third time out of a timeout tonight that Inde Navarrette has gotten a look this clean. The whiteboard is undefeated.

Thor leaves the court at a jog. Iron Man stays there, planted at center court, motionless. And here is the answer to our game Press Your Luck, Buddy! Vergie Cornsilk of Hominy Bend, Arkansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' The answer was of course an uncle, and he has not been invited back since. Vergie takes home a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps! Tonight I had a revelation: Iron Man runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

75-120 (L)

The referee tosses it high and Thor rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Hawkeye never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Catch, rise, splash. The archer owns the cleanest jumper on this floor and still has a shift to work in the morning.

Hawkeye throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Thor grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

Illegal, and expensive. The actor gets the goaltending call and the basket counts. Long day at the office, longer night under the rim.

Hawkeye crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Hawkeye he is on the wrong end of it.

Cut! Halftime. Captain America's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. True story: Captain America had his parking spot stolen by Houston Blast-Off's mascot. Still talks about it. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! To win a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting, text HOOPS to 555-0975 and answer this question: 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.

Hawkeye flies at a jump shooter thirty feet from the rim and lands on his hip. Three shots coming.

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Five straight misses now for Inde Navarrette, and every voice in that huddle has gone quiet. Prayer from Hawkeye. Not answered.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The superhero makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. The help defender committed way too early, and Captain America made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. HAMMER! Captain America goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Captain America watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Captain America has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Hawkeye precisely where the play wanted it. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A archer making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. The player had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Hawkeye, and not one single soul could do anything about it. The archer lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession.

The crew chief has the headset on, three angles on the screen, everybody in here staring at Thor. Cold, clinical, and correct. That monitor just took everything from Thor.

Captain America mutters 'damn' under his breath. Hawkeye says 'yeah' in the same tone. And here is the answer to our game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! Leonard Skidmore of Tumbleweed Alley, Arizona, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' The answer was of course that nobody knows, and the janitors have agreed to stop asking. Leonard therefore wins a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

80-120 (L)

Thor times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Captain America drops it off to Inde Navarrette on time and on target. This is the counter: Inde Navarrette punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Zero hesitation, zero conscience. Captain America made that closeout look completely pointless.

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. Captain America points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Captain America already has the defense a full step behind. The archer reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Missed layup for the archer and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Coach calls everyone back. Iron Man drags his feet toward the tunnel. Little secret: Iron Man watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! To win a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot, text HOOPS to 555-0173 and answer this question: 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

The archer makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. The player just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Inde Navarrette missed that one with real conviction.

Watch the spacing, Captain America drags two bodies toward the ball and Iron Man is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. The superhero launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Push the pace! Captain America grabs it and hits Thor in stride before the defense can even match up. A player breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Fifth possession this half where Thor has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Captain America gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. Hawkeye rose straight over the top of him, and one.

Shot clock violation! Iron Man owns the nail, the middle is a no fly zone, and that possession just expired in their hands. The military personnel just blocked a jump shot into the stands and went back on defense like it was a normal Tuesday.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Iron Man and Hawkeye just played basketball and the defense got shredded. The superhero tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Captain America breaks a shell down. Ball into Hawkeye at the elbow, Iron Man plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Iron Man launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Hawkeye kicks his towel across the floor. Inde Navarrette has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! Harlan Spivey of Bent Fender, Montana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' The answer was of course a blessing, and the whole gym has to be re-blessed. Harlan takes home a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot! My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

87-131 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Inde Navarrette winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Late rotation from Iron Man, he arrives half a beat behind the drive and the contact is obvious to everybody in the building. The best defender on this floor is headed to the bench with four. Iron Man goes off with his hand still up, insisting he was straight up and down.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Left, right, gone. Captain America put that defender on skates and never even looked back. A cruel spin-out for the military personnel, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Iron Man attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Iron Man is walking back with both hands on his head.

The players disappear into the tunnel. Thor asks for an ice pack. I've been told Thor once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. And now, our halftime TV game show Sale of the Half Century! To win a bread machine with a manual in three languages, none of them English, text HOOPS to 555-0673 and answer this question: 'What is the wingspan of a man who claims he could have gone pro?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

From WAY downtown off the pop! Captain America with the extra pass and CASH. The actor baits the contact, gets the whistle, and struts to the line like a ten-year pro. His boss is watching this and quietly rethinking next week's schedule. Boring is beautiful, and Inde Navarrette is automatic from the stripe. That is how you close a game out.

Inde Navarrette hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Captain America shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Captain America stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Captain America is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Iron Man sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Captain America finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Rises, releases, and Iron Man sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Captain America has known that all night long. The beauty of it is that Hawkeye never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Iron Man rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Inde Navarrette eats the contact so Captain America can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Oh my. Captain America did not even draw iron. The shot is short, and Hawkeye is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. The archer just went up over everybody and put that miss back with two hands. That is a night he tells his grandkids about!

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the superhero, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Hesitate, GO. Hawkeye is by that hip before the man even blinks. Rising into two defenders, Hawkeye launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

Captain America's eyes are red, jaw tight. Iron Man apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. And here is the answer to our game show Sale of the Half Century! Orville Duckworth of Slush Pile, Michigan, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the wingspan of a man who claims he could have gone pro?' The answer was of course roughly the length of the story he is telling. Orville therefore wins a bread machine with a manual in three languages, none of them English! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

82-126 (L)

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Iron Man makes it every single trip down the floor. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Iron Man is gone, so Inde Navarrette earned that one even if the box score disagrees. No good. Iron Man rushed that one.

Total control. Captain America has this thing on a string. OHHHH the pin-down! Thor pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Inde Navarrette. Brutal. A cruel spin-out for the player, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Thor sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Captain America finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. REJECTED! Thor takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

Nobody is touching the paint with the archer parked in the middle of it. That is a full time defender doing a part time job, or the other way around. OHHHH what a hustle play from Captain America! He had no business getting a finger on that basketball.

The actor just wiped a layup off the face of the earth and stood over the wreckage! Whatever they teach at that day job, it is working. Wide open runway! Inde Navarrette gets to the rim before the defense even crosses halfcourt!

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Inde Navarrette strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Hawkeye carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Back to the locker room. Thor's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Exclusive: Thor was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! To win a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning, text HOOPS to 555-0129 and answer this question: 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Cleveland Twin-Towers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Captain America has known that all night long. Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Thor keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Rim out for Thor, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Captain America walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Thor! Nothing but runway to the rim! OHHHH, what a read by Iron Man! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Deep. Deeper. GONE. Inde Navarrette drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Inde Navarrette hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Hawkeye shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Hawkeye, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Hawkeye rises from deep, the defender flies in a half second late, and the officials put up three fingers.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The archer is in a full blown heat check and the building has stopped pretending this is normal. That is not a hot streak, that is a takeover. The archer hit three straight and immediately decided he was allowed to shoot from the tunnel. He was not.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Watch the sell from Hawkeye here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the archer! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Iron Man bites the inside of his cheek. Hawkeye pinches the bridge of his nose. And here is the answer to our game The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! Homer Blevins of Lost Wallet, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' The answer was of course however the grandmother in row four says it. Homer takes home a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning! Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Iron Man's name. Forgive me. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

90-134 (L)

The archer makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Watch Thor plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Iron Man out of that corner in a blink. So close. Iron Man can only stare at the iron.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Nobody told the archer that a hot hand expires, and there he is launching from thirty feet with a defender draped all over him. Back to work.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Ball moves. Iron Man to Hawkeye, on time and on target. Hawkeye comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Thor just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the player, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Halftime. Inde Navarrette is holding her ribs walking toward the tunnel. Little scoop: Inde Navarrette logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. And now, our halftime TV game show Card Sharks and Minnows! To win a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz, text HOOPS to 555-0209 and answer this question: 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Iso time. Iron Man up top, one jab step, and the defender is already on SKATES. BAAAANG! Iron Man drills the three AND gets hammered! The four point play is ON.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Iron Man does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Iron Man breaks a shell down. Hard drive, hard stop, and Inde Navarrette retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Inde Navarrette, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Feet set, chest low, hands high. The player will not give up that block, and the building has decided he is their guy. Rebound, look, gone. Thor to Iron Man and this is a footrace now. Somebody check that job title again: the superhero hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Iron Man watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Captain America makes it every single trip down the floor. Court vision like that on the player is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Getting to his spot and elevating, Hawkeye puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Cheap. Nothing about that shot was going down, and Inde Navarrette handed over three freebies anyway. OHHHH the whistle! Number five on Inde Navarrette, and this bench cannot believe what it just saw.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Straight down the baseline goes the superhero! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. The superhero just double dribbled in front of a sold-out building. Nobody back at work is ever letting that one go.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Iron Man has known that all night long. Off the pin-down comes the player with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. A cruel spin-out for the player, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Inde Navarrette rips off her headband and throws it on the ground. Captain America picks up his own and folds it carefully. And here is the answer to our game Card Sharks and Minnows! Norma Jean Slaughterbeck of Grease Rack, Indiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' The answer was of course approximately one confident toddler. Norma Jean takes home a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz! I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

81-125 (L)

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A military personnel making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. The player just caught a lob at the top of the rim and hammered it! That is nowhere in the job description!

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Missed layup for the military personnel and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel. Another extra possession courtesy of the actor, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. Second pass beats the rotation, Inde Navarrette to Captain America, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. BAAAANG! Captain America from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Iron Man and an assistant coach who both want to hug Captain America first. Captain America lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

That is a foot speed problem. Thor keeps grabbing instead of sliding, and in this league that gets your coach a miserable night.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Both teams head in. Captain America has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Physio's confession: Captain America purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. And now, our halftime TV game show Jeopar-Dee-Dee! To win a mounted singing bass that only knows half the song, text HOOPS to 555-0305 and answer this question: 'How much does a rumor weigh at sea level?' Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Captain America pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. The military personnel launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Clean feed from Iron Man, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Captain America just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Thor half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Thor went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Set called, Inde Navarrette waved out to the corner, and Captain America watches the spacing open up like a front door. SPIN and GO! Inde Navarrette pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! The actor gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Hawkeye does. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the archer! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

They drew this up in the timeout: get it to Captain America and let the other four stand there and enjoy the show. CHARGE! Captain America runs a set defender straight over and the arm goes the other way.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Over the top of everybody. Captain America to Hawkeye in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Hawkeye comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! The archer gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

The military personnel just handed that one straight to the other team. Hey, nobody is perfect at two jobs at once.

Thor mutters while walking out. Iron Man watches from the corner of his eye, worried. And here is the answer to our game Jeopar-Dee-Dee! Ludene Crabtree of Dry Creek Junction, Oklahoma, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much does a rumor weigh at sea level?' The answer was of course a pound and a half, considerably more in humid weather. Ludene takes home a mounted singing bass that only knows half the song! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

76-121 (L)

OHHHH the pin-down! Iron Man pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Inde Navarrette. Brutal. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Iron Man nothing.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The military personnel makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. The actor just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Down, up, and gone for Iron Man. The rim is just toying with him now.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Captain America waves his teammates to the weak side. One on one. No help, no excuses, no hiding. Captain America rises up from the corner, the defender flies in late, the shot goes down and the whistle blows. Count it AND the foul!

Captain America deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. Hawkeye arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

Halftime! Thor checks his stats on the board and winces. Small detail: Thor wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. And now, our halftime TV game show Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! To win an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak, text HOOPS to 555-0116 and answer this question: 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The military personnel is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Full stop, full sprint, and the superhero is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Missed layup for the superhero and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Onions from Thor! He plants himself in front of a freight train and just wears the whole thing.

Thor slides the hip out a full foot before contact. The official saw it, the arena saw it, everybody saw it.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

A cut with that timing from the archer? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. DOUBLE DRIBBLE! Hawkeye picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

Two defenders, one gap, and Captain America finds it. Onions on that pass. So close. Iron Man can only stare at the iron.

OHHHH the pocket pass! Captain America splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! That is a forced shot from the superhero that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Watch the spacing there, Hawkeye hits Inde Navarrette right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. A single dribble is all Inde Navarrette needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Perfect arc. Inde Navarrette makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Inde Navarrette pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Iron Man and Hawkeye share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. And here is the answer to our game Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! Wayne Shropshire of Salt Lick Junction, Maine, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' The answer was of course twelve dollars, or one covered dish. Wayne takes home an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak! I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'