私の理想のスタメン5人 — basketball_team 🇯🇵

第 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

99-110 (敗)

孫悟空 goes up with the hands to the ceiling and the shot comes off the front rim. Textbook verticality. レブロン・ジェームズ rips the rebound and fires it up the sideline, 服部半蔵 catches in stride and kisses it off the glass.

Slow walk, no expression. 服部半蔵 backpedals past the Detroit Engine-Roar huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: 服部半蔵 controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, マイケル・ジョーダン gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Pull-up from the elbow by マイケル・ジョーダン, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and マイケル・ジョーダン pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. That is the shot chart lying to you. マイケル・ジョーダン did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

You judge a locker room by moments like this. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー makes the play, and every man on that sideline erupts right along with him.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー walks head down toward the tunnel. Anecdote: カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show Truth or Consequences of Turnovers! To win a doorbell that plays eleven seconds of a song nobody requested, text HOOPS to 555-0644 and answer this question: 'How many turnovers does it take to fill a standard laundry hamper?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

マイケル・ジョーダン hands it off to カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. マイケル・ジョーダン rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Over the top of everybody. レブロン・ジェームズ to カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Unselfish basketball. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー passes up a good shot and hands マイケル・ジョーダン a GREAT one. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! マイケル・ジョーダン missed that one with real conviction.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, レブロン・ジェームズ makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Watch the feet on マイケル・ジョーダン there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything. マイケル・ジョーダン SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. Up over the box out, and マイケル・ジョーダン catches it clean and finishes strong through the contact. Somebody just got posterized.

Down by the baseline, マイケル・ジョーダン points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. 服部半蔵 is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Detroit Engine-Roar coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The help defender committed way too early, and 服部半蔵 made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. Three shots for 服部半蔵. Worst foul in the sport.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. マイケル・ジョーダン has all the room in the world. That is what heavy minutes do, マイケル・ジョーダン has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: 服部半蔵 passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on 服部半蔵, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

孫悟空 pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. 服部半蔵 takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. And here is the answer to our game show Truth or Consequences of Turnovers! Lorene Kirkpatrick of Broken Hoop, New Mexico, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many turnovers does it take to fill a standard laundry hamper?' The answer was of course nineteen, or four if they are the really big ones. Lorene therefore wins a doorbell that plays eleven seconds of a song nobody requested! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

第 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

121-85 (勝)

Look how low レブロン・ジェームズ keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. マイケル・ジョーダン whips the extra pass across the arc, レブロン・ジェームズ rises without a dribble, and SPLASH.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and マイケル・ジョーダン threw it before the help even committed. Textbook two-man game: 服部半蔵 keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and レブロン・ジェームズ rolls into an open runway. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, レブロン・ジェームズ fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because 服部半蔵 saw it a beat early. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! That is another catch and shoot triple for カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー, and you can see the closeouts getting more desperate every single trip.

カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Cross court, on a rope, from the ninja. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. A single dribble is all レブロン・ジェームズ needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Way short from レブロン・ジェームズ off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and マイケル・ジョーダン has known that all night long. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to ninja the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Second pass beats the rotation, 孫悟空 to レブロン・ジェームズ, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Nasty finish. レブロン・ジェームズ hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

Off to the locker room. レブロン・ジェームズ has already drained two water bottles. Juicy intel: レブロン・ジェームズ turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. And now, our halftime TV game show Fifty Fifty or Nothing! To win a decorative barometer that has read STORMY since 1998, text HOOPS to 555-0290 and answer this question: 'How many free throws could a horse make in one hour with no thumbs?' Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! 服部半蔵 whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. HAMMER! レブロン・ジェームズ goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

Oldest play in the book, and 服部半蔵 runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. 孫悟空 slides the hip out a full foot before contact. The official saw it, the arena saw it, everybody saw it.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Somebody explain how the ninja reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. OHHHH the separation! レブロン・ジェームズ just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. The crowd has found its chant, and レブロン・ジェームズ is going to be hearing it all night.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the ninja made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the ninja goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

The noise climbs past whatever the building was engineered for, and 服部半蔵 uses it to kneel down and retie a shoe that was already tied. Double knot, no hurry, eyes on the laces. 孫悟空 stands over him like a bodyguard while somewhere down there a coach calls a play into a hurricane and loses.

That is not stalling, that is surgery. 服部半蔵 up top, ice in his veins, zero panic.

カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー and 服部半蔵 swing マイケル・ジョーダン around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. And here is the answer to our game show Fifty Fifty or Nothing! Merle Bodkin of Dry Fork Holler, West Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many free throws could a horse make in one hour with no thumbs?' The answer was of course two, and both of them were technically goaltending. Merle therefore wins a decorative barometer that has read STORMY since 1998! During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

第 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

104-98 (勝)

Watch the spacing there, レブロン・ジェームズ hits カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The defender crowded the middle, and カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Gift wrapped by マイケル・ジョーダン, and カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

From behind! マイケル・ジョーダン tracks him down and takes the ball right off the backboard. マイケル・ジョーダン grabs it, turns, and slings a one-hander three quarters of the floor. Filthy. OHHHHH POSTERIZED! レブロン・ジェームズ just ENDED that defender at the rim!

SKIP PASS! レブロン・ジェームズ fires it cross court to カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー and the defense is dead in the water! POCKET PASS! カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー threads it to 服部半蔵 between two bodies and the rim is wide open! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and 服部半蔵 is walking back with both hands on his head.

Swing, swing, and 服部半蔵 finds カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Runner in the lane by カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between マイケル・ジョーダン and an assistant coach who both want to hug カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー first. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

OHHHH, what a read by 服部半蔵! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Third one of these from マイケル・ジョーダン this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

End of the first half. 孫悟空 is beet red but still standing. Fun fact: 孫悟空 tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. And now, our halftime TV game show Spin the Wheel Slowly! To win a coffee table book about drainage ditches of the Midwest, text HOOPS to 555-1159 and answer this question: 'How many seconds does it take to lose a lead of thirty points?' Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

The ninja runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー.

Nothing but a nod. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Orlando Magic-Beans bench looks personally insulted.

A ninja breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about 服部半蔵.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from マイケル・ジョーダン, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Getting to his spot and elevating, マイケル・ジョーダン puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Orlando Magic-Beans, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Take fouls are a coaching decision, but never that one. マイケル・ジョーダン fouled in the open floor with nothing to protect, and the scoreboard is about to punish him for it. マイケル・ジョーダン goes up in transition and gets HAMMERED across the head. The crew heads to the monitor, and this one is getting upgraded.

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Third straight empty trip for the other guys, third straight bucket involving カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー. That is exactly how a 10-0 stretch gets built.

孫悟空 runs the full court high-fiving everyone. レブロン・ジェームズ follows doing the wave alone. And here is the answer to our game show Spin the Wheel Slowly! Elouise Tackett of Chigger Bottom, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many seconds does it take to lose a lead of thirty points?' The answer was of course four hundred and ten seconds, provided everybody cooperates. Elouise therefore wins a coffee table book about drainage ditches of the Midwest! Behind the scenes, I learned レブロン・ジェームズ was also a ninja in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'

第 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

130-92 (勝)

孫悟空 controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

レブロン・ジェームズ coasts through this last stretch, no urgency, no need, the result was signed and sealed a long while ago.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way マイケル・ジョーダン does. Perfect arc. マイケル・ジョーダン makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

One hard step and レブロン・ジェームズ owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. マイケル・ジョーダン threads a BEAUTY to レブロン・ジェームズ under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

That is a suspension conversation for レブロン・ジェームズ by tomorrow morning, and his bench has to survive the rest of this one short-handed.

Back to the locker room. マイケル・ジョーダン punches his locker. Intel: マイケル・ジョーダン once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. And now, our halftime TV game show Truth or Consequences of Turnovers! To win a doorbell that plays eleven seconds of a song nobody requested, text HOOPS to 555-0644 and answer this question: 'How many turnovers does it take to fill a standard laundry hamper?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

Total control. 服部半蔵 has this thing on a string. OHHHH the hesi! 孫悟空 froze him solid and he is already gone! The farmer just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, 孫悟空 roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how 服部半蔵 breaks a shell down. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー and マイケル・ジョーダン just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー gets driven under the rim and the offensive board goes the other way. Fresh shot clock for them.

Baseline inbound, カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー lifts it over the front of the rim, and 孫悟空 catches it in mid-air and DROPS IT IN!

服部半蔵 rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, 服部半蔵 goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard. Nobody put a body on レブロン・ジェームズ and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. レブロン・ジェームズ crashes the glass, snatches that miss out of the air and hammers it home. Onions!

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, レブロン・ジェームズ never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

服部半蔵 hugs the mascot. 孫悟空 hugs the referee. Awkward. And here is the answer to our game show Truth or Consequences of Turnovers! Lorene Kirkpatrick of Broken Hoop, New Mexico, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many turnovers does it take to fill a standard laundry hamper?' The answer was of course nineteen, or four if they are the really big ones. Lorene therefore wins a doorbell that plays eleven seconds of a song nobody requested! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.

第 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

113-88 (勝)

The coach saw the contact on レブロン・ジェームズ and absolutely LOST it. One whistle later, that is a T on the sideline.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Watch the sell from マイケル・ジョーダン here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. マイケル・ジョーダン catches on the wing, jab step, spin move, and that pivot foot comes clean off the hardwood. Traveling.

Whirl, and GONE! マイケル・ジョーダン leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! マイケル・ジョーダン rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, マイケル・ジョーダン never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

The ninja is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Beautiful footwork on that one from 孫悟空, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Somebody check that job title again: the farmer hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, 孫悟空 roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Rest time. 孫悟空 isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Exclusive info: 孫悟空 is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. And now, our halftime TV game show Briefcase Roulette! To win a portable radio that only picks up farm reports, text HOOPS to 555-0561 and answer this question: 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.

服部半蔵 kicks it over to 孫悟空, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. They do not teach that in the farmer handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! マイケル・ジョーダン left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Blocked into the floor. マイケル・ジョーダン will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and レブロン・ジェームズ just did it by hitting 孫悟空 on the back side with acres of room. Hard drive, hard stop, and 孫悟空 retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Down, up, and gone for 孫悟空. The rim is just toying with him now.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Laser from レブロン・ジェームズ, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The ninja pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. レブロン・ジェームズ drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. 孫悟空 attacks the paint, absorbs the bump, twists his body all the way around the defender and reverses it in. FILTHY.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the ninja, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. マイケル・ジョーダン splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Two decoy screens, a flare to the weak side, then 服部半蔵 coming off the second one. That is the whole thing. Sixty seconds in the huddle and マイケル・ジョーダン cashes it without a single wasted dribble. Textbook.

服部半蔵 and 孫悟空 pretend to fish カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー out of the crowd. They pull hard. And here is the answer to our game show Briefcase Roulette! Ardith Sprague of Chicken Wing, Illinois, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' The answer was of course nine, and one of them is purely decorative. Ardith therefore wins a portable radio that only picks up farm reports! During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?

第 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

110-103 (勝)

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but マイケル・ジョーダン keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Look at マイケル・ジョーダン mouthing an apology toward his own bench before the call is even announced. He knew instantly.

Pass, skip, reversal, pass again. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー shifts with every single one of them and the possession ends in a contested fadeaway. He tried to rise over カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー. That was a mistake, and the ball is now several rows deep.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at マイケル・ジョーダン the moment he crosses half court. So close. マイケル・ジョーダン can only stare at the iron.

孫悟空 just took a shoulder to the chest to buy マイケル・ジョーダン half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. マイケル・ジョーダン owns the highlight reel tonight.

Chest bump so violent that マイケル・ジョーダン and 服部半蔵 both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

No hero ball here: 服部半蔵 takes what the defense gives and moves it along. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Into the tunnel. マイケル・ジョーダン grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Did you know? マイケル・ジョーダン launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! To win a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash, text HOOPS to 555-0804 and answer this question: 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.

レブロン・ジェームズ launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー eats the contact so 孫悟空 can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. A cruel spin-out for the farmer, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Ball moves. レブロン・ジェームズ to 服部半蔵, on time and on target. Hard drive, hard stop, and 服部半蔵 retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Zero hesitation, zero conscience. 服部半蔵 made that closeout look completely pointless.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Over the top of everybody. レブロン・ジェームズ to 服部半蔵 in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Straight down the baseline goes the ninja! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Catch, rise, splash. The ninja owns the cleanest jumper on this floor and still has a shift to work in the morning.

レブロン・ジェームズ gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because マイケル・ジョーダン saw it a beat early. Baseline wide open. レブロン・ジェームズ said thank you. Drop step, jump hook, bucket! レブロン・ジェームズ is doing it the old way.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. レブロン・ジェームズ does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and 服部半蔵 has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー precisely where the play wanted it. The defender planted his feet, and カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

服部半蔵 and マイケル・ジョーダン share a 30-second hug. レブロン・ジェームズ wants in. Gets pushed away. And here is the answer to our game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! Ricky Don Sturgill of Sassafras Bottom, Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' The answer was of course that the scarf lobby got to the rules committee in 1954. Ricky Don therefore wins a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash! My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'

第 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

102-118 (敗)

カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Baseline spin from マイケル・ジョーダン at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. マイケル・ジョーダン pump fakes, gets the defender airborne, and walks right into his chest. Free throws. First one drops clean through, the second one never even touches iron. Cold blooded from マイケル・ジョーダン.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when マイケル・ジョーダン lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. 孫悟空 drags マイケル・ジョーダン away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Hard drive, hard stop, and 服部半蔵 retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Rising up out of the corner, 服部半蔵 sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Over the top of everybody. マイケル・ジョーダン to 孫悟空 in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Down screen, and 孫悟空 curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Give and go! 孫悟空 gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Two defenders in the lane, 孫悟空 splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

孫悟空 pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Heading in. 服部半蔵's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. True story: 服部半蔵 had his parking spot stolen by Toronto Border-Patrol's mascot. Still talks about it. And now, our halftime TV game show Foul Line Confessions! To win a hood ornament from a truck that was never built, text HOOPS to 555-1098 and answer this question: 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

マイケル・ジョーダン rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead. マイケル・ジョーダン pulls the towel over his head before he even sits down, and you can read the frustration from the upper deck.

Verticality, timing, discipline: 孫悟空 never bites on the pump fake and still finds a way to erase the shot.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The ninja is in a full blown heat check and the building has stopped pretending this is normal. That is not a hot streak, that is a takeover. Nobody told the ninja that a hot hand expires, and there he is launching from thirty feet with a defender draped all over him. Back to work.

OHHHH NO. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー pinned it against the glass a half second late and that is goaltending all day.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and 服部半蔵 just did it by hitting マイケル・ジョーダン on the back side with acres of room. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from マイケル・ジョーダン. That is a dime from 服部半蔵 that deserved so much better, and マイケル・ジョーダン knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Foul to give, and レブロン・ジェームズ gives it. Clock stops.

服部半蔵 scratches the back of his neck nervously. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー has the look of someone who has seen things. And here is the answer to our game show Foul Line Confessions! Wendell Crabtree of Lost Mitten, Colorado, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' The answer was of course floor wax, popcorn, and forty years of accumulated nervousness. Wendell therefore wins a hood ornament from a truck that was never built! I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

第 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

124-99 (勝)

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! マイケル・ジョーダン spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! Get that one framed. マイケル・ジョーダン took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because マイケル・ジョーダン saw it a beat early. Right through the window. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー to レブロン・ジェームズ on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Soft touch from レブロン・ジェームズ, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

レブロン・ジェームズ pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

The ninja gets whistled for the swipe. Forty honest hours a week and here he is, picking pockets in front of twenty thousand witnesses. That is a brutal one to swallow. The other team is going to hunt 服部半蔵 on every possession until he is gone.

Clean feed from 服部半蔵, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. That is vision. マイケル・ジョーダン sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Two points left on the floor by 孫悟空, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

You can read it in the body language. マイケル・ジョーダン has ice in his veins right now, the shot clock does not scare him, nothing does tonight. マイケル・ジョーダン felt it, the bench felt it, the arena felt it, and the rim felt absolutely nothing.

The players disappear into the tunnel. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー asks for an ice pack. Fun fact: カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Layup! To win a fondue set with three forks and no instructions, text HOOPS to 555-0347 and answer this question: 'How many folding chairs fit inside a regulation basketball hoop?' Break's over, the players take their positions.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Throwing a shoulder into the defender like he is boarding a crowded train, カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー gets whistled for contact he never needed.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

GONE down the baseline! レブロン・ジェームズ beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for レブロン・ジェームズ he is on the wrong end of it.

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to マイケル・ジョーダン, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. マイケル・ジョーダン backs his man down, feels the contact, spins middle and drops it in over both hands. Fundamentals!

SKIP PASS! レブロン・ジェームズ fires it cross court to カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー and the defense is dead in the water! カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. OHHHH the POWER! カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー took the hit and finished it anyway!

The farmer swatted that one off the glass and handed over two free points. Somebody go over the cylinder rule at the next staff meeting.

服部半蔵 grabs the PA announcer's mic and shouts マイケル・ジョーダン's name. The announcer chases him. And here is the answer to our game show Name That Layup! Vernon Dinkins of Cold Supper, Missouri, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many folding chairs fit inside a regulation basketball hoop?' The answer was of course none, and the fact that somebody tried is the real story here. Vernon therefore wins a fondue set with three forks and no instructions! On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than マイケル・ジョーダン. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'

第 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

118-105 (勝)

Tip is UP and カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Laser from 服部半蔵, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The farmer just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Prayer from 孫悟空. Not answered.

Over the top of everybody. マイケル・ジョーダン to 服部半蔵 in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Court vision like that on the ninja is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Long and gone. レブロン・ジェームズ floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and 服部半蔵 already has the defense a full step behind. Hesitate, GO. マイケル・ジョーダン is by that hip before the man even blinks. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and マイケル・ジョーダン has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Two on one the other way and that is a free deuce all day long... except マイケル・ジョーダン says absolutely not. Off the glass and out of the gym, マイケル・ジョーダン launches it and the break is ON! OHHHH what a FINISH from カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Chest bump so violent that カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー and 孫悟空 both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Off to the locker room. レブロン・ジェームズ has already drained two water bottles. True story: レブロン・ジェームズ had his parking spot stolen by Houston Blast-Off's mascot. Still talks about it. And now, our halftime TV game show Whistle While You Guess! To win a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby, text HOOPS to 555-1291 and answer this question: 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and レブロン・ジェームズ has known that all night long. Off the pin-down comes the farmer with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Screen, hesitation, delivery, 孫悟空 drops it off perfectly for マイケル・ジョーダン diving to the rim. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! マイケル・ジョーダン scooped that in from underneath the rim!

マイケル・ジョーダン pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

BANG is what 服部半蔵 was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? 孫悟空 treats every miss like it belongs to him. The farmer just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and マイケル・ジョーダン has it on a string tonight.

Stone silence for one second, then マイケル・ジョーダン lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. 孫悟空 answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

STOP AND GO! 服部半蔵 hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. The ninja had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Set called, マイケル・ジョーダン waved out to the corner, and 服部半蔵 watches the spacing open up like a front door. SPIN and GO! マイケル・ジョーダン pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Reverse layup by マイケル・ジョーダン, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

マイケル・ジョーダン plants himself in front of the Houston Blast-Off bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Pounding the dribble up top, body wedged between the ball and the defender, shoulders wide, 服部半蔵 is giving away absolutely nothing.

レブロン・ジェームズ and マイケル・ジョーダン do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. And here is the answer to our game show Whistle While You Guess! Wilma Jean Puckett of Sorghum Switch, Kansas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' The answer was of course exactly 1,412 times, and 1,413 if the arena air conditioning is broken. Wilma Jean therefore wins a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby! I learned that レブロン・ジェームズ's father was a ninja. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.

第 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

121-80 (勝)

Won it clean! 孫悟空 got up and over him with room to spare.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

服部半蔵 gives it up to マイケル・ジョーダン on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. That is body control you simply cannot coach: マイケル・ジョーダン stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Straight to the logo at center court, マイケル・ジョーダン plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and マイケル・ジョーダン pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets マイケル・ジョーダン up there and returns it with interest.

The ninja just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. OHHHH the pocket pass! 孫悟空 splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! That is the shot 服部半蔵 wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Halftime. レブロン・ジェームズ glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Little secret: レブロン・ジェームズ watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Whistle While You Guess! To win a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby, text HOOPS to 555-1291 and answer this question: 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

Look how low レブロン・ジェームズ keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. The ball skips around the perimeter, 服部半蔵 finds the open man on the weak side, and レブロン・ジェームズ buries it.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. レブロン・ジェームズ stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Watch the change of pace from 服部半蔵, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for 服部半蔵!

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and レブロン・ジェームズ makes it every single trip down the floor. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from 服部半蔵, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. A jump hook over a grown professional defender, from the ninja? That is the most unexpected fundamentals clinic of the night.

服部半蔵 walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Ball into 服部半蔵 at the elbow, 孫悟空 plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. 孫悟空 loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

That is the third body 孫悟空 has turned away this quarter, and the entire lane is starting to think twice about coming in. Rebound to fast break in one motion, courtesy of the farmer. That is not a hobby, that is a skill set. 服部半蔵 attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Under review. マイケル・ジョーダン does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. OHHHH the cruelty! Two tenths, and マイケル・ジョーダン gets absolutely nothing.

カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー and 孫悟空 pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. And here is the answer to our game show Whistle While You Guess! Wilma Jean Puckett of Sorghum Switch, Kansas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' The answer was of course exactly 1,412 times, and 1,413 if the arena air conditioning is broken. Wilma Jean therefore wins a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby! Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー's name. Forgive me. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

第 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

118-97 (勝)

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then 服部半蔵 slips it to レブロン・ジェームズ right in the pocket. Surgical. There is nothing accidental about that one. レブロン・ジェームズ hunted the contact, sold it, and bought himself a trip to the stripe. This is exactly why the coach wants the ball in his hands late. レブロン・ジェームズ has been money at that line all season long.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and レブロン・ジェームズ does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

レブロン・ジェームズ sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. 服部半蔵 lays it right on his hands in traffic! The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and レブロン・ジェームズ hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

A cut with that timing from the ninja? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. The ninja tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and レブロン・ジェームズ has now cleaned up four misses tonight. OHHHH he went and GOT that! レブロン・ジェームズ with the putback jam over two bodies.

レブロン・ジェームズ deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. 服部半蔵 arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

The farmer just got left in the dust, and in fairness, that is a professional athlete he was asked to guard. 服部半蔵 does not love that call. Both hands in the air, a long look at the official, and the whistle still counts.

The players head in. 孫悟空 slips on the wet tunnel floor. Anecdote: 孫悟空 once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. And now, our halftime TV game show Deal or No Deal or Maybe! To win a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap, text HOOPS to 555-0396 and answer this question: 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' Break's over, the players take their positions.

Somewhere out there a farmer is learning that the day job never included defensive slides. Rough little moment.

服部半蔵 comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. 孫悟空 just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Textbook footwork, textbook release from 孫悟空, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

The ninja reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. 服部半蔵 gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Here comes the slip from レブロン・ジェームズ, and 服部半蔵 reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. That is the second illegal pick of the night from レブロン・ジェームズ, and possessions like that are how you lose a tight one.

マイケル・ジョーダン stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and マイケル・ジョーダン has earned every second of that reaction.

First option: マイケル・ジョーダン. Everything else on that clipboard is decoration. OHHHH that is BEAUTIFUL basketball! 孫悟空 finishes the set and the whole bench is up.

服部半蔵 runs the full court high-fiving everyone. マイケル・ジョーダン follows doing the wave alone. And here is the answer to our game Deal or No Deal or Maybe! Marlene Hufnagel of North Elbow, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' The answer was of course whatever speed produces the most noise. Marlene takes home a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap! As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.

第 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

97-96 (勝)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is 孫悟空 who wins the little argument at center court.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Snatched his ankles, and 孫悟空 is still checking whether they are attached. Careless stuff from レブロン・ジェームズ. That is a free trip to the line for a steal that was never happening.

Push the pace! 服部半蔵 grabs it and hits カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー in stride before the defense can even match up. Two guys on the exact same page, カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー and レブロン・ジェームズ, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. OHHHH, that one died in the air! カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

マイケル・ジョーダン kicks it over to 孫悟空, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and 孫悟空 gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Rises, releases, and マイケル・ジョーダン sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

The players head to the locker room. レブロン・ジェームズ is sweating like a racehorse. True story: レブロン・ジェームズ had his parking spot stolen by Cleveland Twin-Towers's mascot. Still talks about it. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.

The help defender committed way too early, and マイケル・ジョーダン made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. マイケル・ジョーダン rises from deep, the defender flies in a half second late, and the officials put up three fingers.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, マイケル・ジョーダン and 孫悟空 just played basketball and the defense got shredded. The defense keeps turning contested looks by マイケル・ジョーダン into free points. STOP REACHING. Spin, one dribble, up and in. Then マイケル・ジョーダン does the whole thing again. Zero drama, two points.

マイケル・ジョーダン crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. 孫悟空 mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

The extra pass! 服部半蔵 had the look, gave it up anyway, and レブロン・ジェームズ buries it. BANG! No touch. レブロン・ジェームズ left the soft hands in the locker room tonight. The shot is short, and 服部半蔵 is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. BAAAANG! 服部半蔵 rips the offensive board and puts it right back through!

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Reach-in on the ninja. He tried to take the ball the way he takes everything else on the job, politely and with both hands. Five fouls on the ninja. One more bump and he goes back to being just a guy with a normal job.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: マイケル・ジョーダン passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. マイケル・ジョーダン beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

HERE IT COMES! Every soul in this gym knows the ball is going to カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー, and it may not matter one bit. GAME OVER! 服部半蔵 said not tonight, and the horn agreed with him!

レブロン・ジェームズ and 孫悟空 slap each other's butts. マイケル・ジョーダン declines the invitation. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.

第 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

113-110 (勝)

Small thing, a jump ball, but カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Two free throws and the ball for the other side, that is the price of a flagrant two, and カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー pays it from the tunnel.

You do not put the other team in the bonus this early. 服部半蔵 has to be smarter than contact that never had a chance at the ball. Fourth foul on the ninja and he is headed for the bench. Longest break the man has had since he took that job.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and 服部半蔵 drops it off to 孫悟空 on time and on target. 孫悟空 turns the corner off the screen from 服部半蔵, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Kick out to 服部半蔵, one more to 孫悟空, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. The farmer just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

孫悟空 slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Both teams head in. 孫悟空 has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Rumor has it 孫悟空 tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". And now, our halftime TV game show Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! To win a bowling trophy from a league that never existed, text HOOPS to 555-0192 and answer this question: 'What is the flavor of blue?' Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

No hero ball here: マイケル・ジョーダン takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Unselfish basketball. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー passes up a good shot and hands 服部半蔵 a GREAT one. A cruel spin-out for the ninja, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

GET THAT OUTTA HERE! カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー meets that jumper at the top of its flight and spikes it into the sideline.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Called for three in the key. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー had inside position, had the seal, had everything except a clock in his head.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from 服部半蔵, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for 服部半蔵, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

The ninja is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. BAAAANG! 孫悟空 sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. Watch the footwork there from レブロン・ジェームズ on the catch, squared up before the ball ever arrives. That is exactly why it goes down so clean.

The coach just drew up the biggest play of the night for the farmer, a sentence I did not expect to say out loud this evening. BAAAANG! AT THE BUZZER! 孫悟空 WINS THE BALLGAME!

孫悟空 pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. 服部半蔵 mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

服部半蔵 and マイケル・ジョーダン chest bump so hard they each fly back three meters. And here is the answer to our game Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! Elmer Tunstall of Split Rail, Vermont, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the flavor of blue?' The answer was of course blue, which has been blue since 1968 and nobody has improved on it. Elmer takes home a bowling trophy from a league that never existed! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'

第 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

96-106 (敗)

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how レブロン・ジェームズ breaks a shell down. 服部半蔵 feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. Fifth possession this half where 服部半蔵 has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Body to body all the way to the rim and the arm goes up. That is on レブロン・ジェームズ, and this crew is not letting anything go tonight. FIVE on レブロン・ジェームズ. One more and his night is finished.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

服部半蔵 walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Nobody is getting a hand near that. レブロン・ジェームズ has all the room in the world. That is the kind of finish that changes a defense's body language, and レブロン・ジェームズ has already done it twice this quarter.

Down by the baseline, レブロン・ジェームズ points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. 孫悟空 is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The San Antonio Skyscrapers coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

That press is not exotic, it is just relentless, and カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー has spent three straight possessions trying to breathe. He is on an island out there.

Halftime whistle. カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Rumor has it カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feud But Nobody Is Related! To win a gently used trampoline with no springs and one very stern warning label, text HOOPS to 555-0231 and answer this question: 'How long does it take a hot dog to cool down in the upper deck in February?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

OHHHH the separation! マイケル・ジョーダン just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Oh my. マイケル・ジョーダン did not even draw iron.

OHHHH THE CHASEDOWN! マイケル・ジョーダン comes from nowhere and pins it on the glass! マイケル・ジョーダン converts on the break again, and that defense has now been beaten down the floor three straight trips. Somebody better call timeout.

The too-small gesture, aimed straight at the San Antonio Skyscrapers bench, both hands measuring an inch of air. Their coach is out of his chair and onto the officials. マイケル・ジョーダン keeps the pose, unblinking, backpedaling all the way. The arena hits a decibel level that clips the broadcast mics.

Goaltending on カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー. Great athleticism, terrible timing.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Ball moves. レブロン・ジェームズ to マイケル・ジョーダン, on time and on target. Hard drive, hard stop, and マイケル・ジョーダン retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. マイケル・ジョーダン went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ejection for the farmer. Forty hours a week of keeping it together, and it all came apart in one swing under the rim.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, マイケル・ジョーダン makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, レブロン・ジェームズ panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

孫悟空 pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. レブロン・ジェームズ takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. And here is the answer to our game show Family Feud But Nobody Is Related! Delbert Cranfill of Bitter Creek Junction, Wyoming, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long does it take a hot dog to cool down in the upper deck in February?' The answer was of course eleven minutes, unless somebody nearby is breathing on it. Delbert therefore wins a gently used trampoline with no springs and one very stern warning label! Tonight I had a revelation: レブロン・ジェームズ runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.

第 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

95-96 (敗)

The referee tosses it high and カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: 服部半蔵 controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. OHHHH the pin-down! レブロン・ジェームズ pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with 孫悟空. Brutal. The big man never even contested it, and レブロン・ジェームズ still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Somebody explain how the ninja reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! AIRBALL! カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

OHHHH! カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー met him at the summit and sent that thing into the third row. One hand, full court, カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー hits レブロン・ジェームズ in stride and the crowd is already up. Touch pass from マイケル・ジョーダン, and レブロン・ジェームズ glides in for the finger roll. Filthy.

Break time. 服部半蔵 bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Fun fact: 服部半蔵 failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show Minute to Win It Back! To win a lawn ornament goose with exactly one seasonal outfit, text HOOPS to 555-0319 and answer this question: 'What is the halftime score of a game that nobody is watching?' And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and レブロン・ジェームズ has known that all night long. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and カリーム・アブドゥル＝ジャバー punishes it with a read most guys never even see. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on 孫悟空. Cruel.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Two guys on the exact same page, レブロン・ジェームズ and 孫悟空, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. The filthy euro-step in traffic was the idea, but the feet got greedy and the whistle blew レブロン・ジェームズ dead.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

One little shoulder dip from マイケル・ジョーダン and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Feet already set, hands already ready. マイケル・ジョーダン takes the feed from 服部半蔵 and cashes it.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and マイケル・ジョーダン pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Wrapped up the arm on the gather, plain as day. マイケル・ジョーダン gets two, and the bench is already standing. Boring is beautiful, and マイケル・ジョーダン is automatic from the stripe. That is how you close a game out.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. マイケル・ジョーダン disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. レブロン・ジェームズ is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

マイケル・ジョーダン is barking at the official, arms out, eyes wide, and there it is. The T comes flying in. There it is! Second technical on マイケル・ジョーダン, automatic ejection, his night is OVER.

Entire arena on its feet for the farmer. Whatever comes next, that man tells this story for the rest of his life. 孫悟空 had this game won right up until the last rotation of the ball. Somebody get the man a chair.

レブロン・ジェームズ closes his eyes walking out. 服部半蔵 keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. And here is the answer to our game Minute to Win It Back! Otis Fenstermacher of Tin Roof, Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the halftime score of a game that nobody is watching?' The answer was of course still tied, philosophically speaking. Otis takes home a lawn ornament goose with exactly one seasonal outfit! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'