My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Raw emotion: David Raya cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Lamine Yamal crouches beside him and speaks softly. David Raya jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Corner from Lamine Yamal, it's a MADHOUSE in the box! Three blocks, two ricochets, defense survives! GOAL for Nuno Mendes! On the brilliant delivery from Warren Zaïre-Emery, he prods it into the empty net from 5 yards. Simple, but it is in!

Lamine Yamal climbs onto Dean Huijsen's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. David Raya circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Pau Cubarsí slides it to David Alaba, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Quick dribble from David Alaba, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. David Alaba tries a shimmy but slips on the ball. Turnover in a bad area. Pau Cubarsí steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Pau Cubarsí thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work.

Lennart Karl plays the free kick into the danger zone, Pau Cubarsí arrives at the penalty spot. Pau Cubarsí is beaten in the air by his opponent, he could not compete. David Raya produces the goods! Reflex save, strong hand, nothing is getting past him!

Nuno Mendes lays it off first time to Lamine Yamal, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Burst of speed from Lamine Yamal, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Lamine Yamal sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Warren Zaïre-Emery in the thick of it. Warren Zaïre-Emery gets his cross wrong, too much power, not enough accuracy. The keeper gathers.

The gaffer pulls up Paris Saint-Glinglin's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Dean Huijsen, you have the pace. Pau Cubarsí, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Brilliant little nugget — David Raya has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 184, for the record. And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' Out they come. Hulk has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Lamine Yamal sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Lamine Yamal sends his cross sailing over everyone, David Alaba cannot even get close to it. David Raya sends an absolute rocket towards Hulk, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Hulk pings a long diagonal to David Alaba, completely shifts the point of attack.

David Alaba delivers a tidy ball to Warren Zaïre-Emery, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Warren Zaïre-Emery floats a ball towards Hulk but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. Decisive glance from Dean Huijsen who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Lay-off from Dean Huijsen to Lamine Yamal, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Quick exchange between Lamine Yamal and Benjamin Šeško, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

Every throw-in becomes a corner, every corner becomes a chance. Lamine Yamal connects with his forehead but it sails into the sky. The technique was there, the aim was not. David Raya launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Warren Zaïre-Emery after a fifty-yard flight. Old school.

Royal interception from Dean Huijsen! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. One touch football: Dean Huijsen to Raphinha, faster than the opposition can think. Raphinha puts Dean Huijsen in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. It falls apart for Dean Huijsen, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

Good ball from Warren Zaïre-Emery to Pau Cubarsí, playing it quick between the lines. Pau Cubarsí sets it for Dean Huijsen, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Dean Huijsen releases Lennart Karl with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Lennart Karl makes the run but he's gone too soon. Pau Cubarsí's pass comes a split second late.

Full time and it's level. David Raya stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Lennart Karl grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

3-1 (W)

What a tackle by Dean Huijsen! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Extraordinary run from Dean Huijsen, he beats three men and arrives at the edge of the box. What CLASS from Dean Huijsen! He places his shot with diabolical precision, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

Dean Huijsen and Lennart Karl do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. David Raya arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. What a CANNONBALL from Lennart Karl! The keeper was well positioned but that strike was UNSTOPPABLE.

Lennart Karl runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. David Raya tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

David Alaba with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! One laser pass from David Alaba and the entire defence is eliminated, Nuno Mendes is through on goal. The space is enormous. Nuno Mendes takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

David Alaba climbs onto Dean Huijsen's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. David Raya circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Lovely use of the ball by Lennart Karl, finding Hulk in a tight pocket of space. Quality. A tug on the shirt from Hulk, the opponent can't get away. Free kick. Hulk sees yellow for persistent infringement. He pushed the referee too far.

Tidy restart from David Raya along the deck to Lennart Karl, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. What a block! Lennart Karl slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Brilliant pass from Dean Huijsen! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Hulk is onto it. Stunning tackle by Hulk in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Lennart Karl is leaning back with {his} feet up, 168 cm of pure relaxation. David Alaba is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. Now here's a proper one — Raphinha was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 177, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8811 and answer this question: 'What is the shelf life of a broken promise in Scunthorpe?' And they are off! Pau Cubarsí touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

GOAAAL! México No-Era-Penal score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Short free kick, Lamine Yamal gives it to Raphinha who finds himself with space to work with. Good run from Raphinha who crosses to the near post for Pau Cubarsí. The defender is beaten to it. The cross from Pau Cubarsí is cut out cleanly by an alert defender. The defence has stood up. The corner from Lennart Karl is headed away by the defence at the near post. Dean Huijsen triggers a change of flanks for Raphinha, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

Textbook tackle from Pau Cubarsí there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Smooth transition from Pau Cubarsí to Benjamin Šeško, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Benjamin Šeško scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking.

Pau Cubarsí launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Benjamin Šeško links up with Lennart Karl, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Powerful run from Lamine Yamal down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Great overlap from Lamine Yamal down the flank, pinpoint cross for Lennart Karl in the area. This is the moment. Lennart Karl sends in a half-hearted cross, the keeper catches it without even jumping. David Raya plays it along the ground to Dean Huijsen, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

Full-pitch press, the centre-back panics and boots it into touch. High recovery from the scientist who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. Powerful effort from Hulk, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper stretches and tips it over the bar.

Superb! Lennart Karl jogs toward the tunnel but stops, turns around, and takes one last look at the pitch under the lights. Benjamin Šeško waits for him at the door: "Beautiful, isn't it?" Lennart Karl nods. They disappear inside. The muffled sound of celebration follows. Magic night. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the shelf life of a broken promise in Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course roughly six weeks, or until the next council election, whichever comes first. Gerald wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

David Raya catapults the ball towards Nuno Mendes from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Nuno Mendes is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion. GOOOOAL from the scientist! Imperial header on the delivery from Warren Zaïre-Emery. In that position, when you have that leap and that timing, you scare every defence.

Perfect back flip from David Raya right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Hulk tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even David Raya has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Oh dear oh dear! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Short corner from Warren Zaïre-Emery, Dean Huijsen comes back to lay it off, they're looking for a fresh angle. Cut-back along the ground from Dean Huijsen on the right, Lennart Karl picks it up centrally in front of goal. Massive chance. GOOOOOAL! Lennart Karl turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Raphinha crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Hulk is in the right place. GROTESQUE own goal from Hulk! He attempts an overhead kick to clear and smashes the ball into his own net! Oh you WALLY!! Even if you TRIED to do that you could not, this is GENIUS in reverse!

Raphinha dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Benjamin Šeško can't breathe he's laughing so hard. David Raya claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Lennart Karl sticks to the opposition midfielder and ends up winning the ball in a dangerous area. Pressing is sacrifice, and Lennart Karl has it in buckets. Lennart Karl plays the simple ball to David Alaba, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. David Alaba charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Cross far too long from David Alaba, the ball bypasses everyone and goes out by the far post.

Pau Cubarsí is doing an impression of Casablanca Dima-Maghrib's manager and it is absolutely spot on. Arms flailing, face going beetroot, the lot. Raphinha is in stitches, nearly choking on {his} energy gel. The gaffer lets it run for a minute before clapping his hands. "Right, settle down. We ain't done yet, but bloody hell, that was funny." A little fun fact for you — Lennart Karl, all 168 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6060 and answer this question: 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Lamine Yamal wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Benjamin Šeško produces a chest control into a roulette. That is pure art. Overlap from Benjamin Šeško on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Benjamin Šeško sends in a curling delivery, Nuno Mendes peels off the back of his marker and finds space.

Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. David Alaba to Warren Zaïre-Emery, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Nutmeg from Warren Zaïre-Emery, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that. Warren Zaïre-Emery spreads it to Dean Huijsen, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Lennart Karl to Hulk, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Attempted pass from Hulk to Raphinha, but it is way too firm, flies out for a throw-in on the far side. High recovery from Lamine Yamal! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Strike from Lennart Karl that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal.

Nuno Mendes boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. The pressure is building and building, the opposition can't get out of their half.

They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now. They push up as a unit, the opposition can't string two passes together. High recovery from Raphinha after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him. Raphinha sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal.

Oh no, it's in! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from David Raya. Nuno Mendes is on his knees clapping, David Raya is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

The recovery from Dean Huijsen is absolutely jaw-dropping, runs like his life depends on it and saves the day. Clever foul by Dean Huijsen, he breaks up the counter-attack before it develops. Booking for Dean Huijsen, wrapped his arms around the opponent to kill the momentum. No complaints. Dean Huijsen tries to go over the wall with the free kick but it hits it. Poorly calibrated. The corner from Benjamin Šeško is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post.

Massive win over Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! David Alaba is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Hulk pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?'. The answer was of course Shropshire, where the Cheddar Protection Act of 1903 remains in force. Geraldine wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-2 (L)

It's there! Dakar Teranga FC tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

David Raya and Nuno Mendes do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. David Raya arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

The clock is the enemy, every loose touch feels like a disaster. Raphinha bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, David Alaba wins the aerial battle. What a DOWNWARD header from David Alaba! Sumptuous header on the cross from Warren Zaïre-Emery, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Solidarity move: Raphinha grabs Benjamin Šeško who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Benjamin Šeško a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Benjamin Šeško mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Free kick from Benjamin Šeško played as a cross, Raphinha positions himself at the far post. GOOOOAL from Raphinha! On the lofted pass from Hulk, he produces a masterful diving header, GOOOAL!

Benjamin Šeško legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Warren Zaïre-Emery tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Dakar Teranga FC score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Inch-perfect tackle by Nuno Mendes, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. JUST WIIIIIDE from Lamine Yamal! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

Pau Cubarsí rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. David Raya glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." A delightful revelation — Warren Zaïre-Emery panic-bought seventeen tins of baked beans during a supermarket scare and still hasn't got through them. His cupboard is essentially a Heinz warehouse. The man is 20 and fully prepared for any future bean-related emergency. And now, our TV game show Richard and Judy's Revenge! To win a book club pick nobody actually read, text 4789 and answer: 'What percentage of book club members actually finish the book?' Second half underway and David Raya is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Raphinha launches into a desperate challenge and gets absolutely nothing. Gets up looking sheepish. Poor handling from David Raya! The ball slips out of his gloves, panic stations in the box! Lennart Karl throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand.

David Raya takes his time and plays it short to Nuno Mendes. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Nuno Mendes keeps it short to Pau Cubarsí, no frills, just good football intelligence. Dribble from Pau Cubarsí in the box, one shimmy and the defender is out of the picture. Dangerous.

Lightning one-two between Raphinha and Dean Huijsen, so quick the defender is left standing like a statue. Raphinha hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Raphinha wants to beat his man but it is him who gets beaten. The defender recovers. Benjamin Šeško intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch.

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. David Raya brushes the ball with his fingertips and turns it onto the bar! HUGE save. David Raya smashes a volley towards Hulk, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

Firm pass from Raphinha into Nuno Mendes, right into the boots. No waste. Free kick conceded by Nuno Mendes, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. Nuno Mendes finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. David Alaba launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. David Alaba rolls it to Lamine Yamal, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Lamine Yamal sends Dean Huijsen into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late.

Driven kick from David Raya to Nuno Mendes, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Nuno Mendes forces a pass to Raphinha who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Lennart Karl puts Lamine Yamal into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet.

Share of the spoils. Hulk walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Warren Zaïre-Emery throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. Dakar Teranga FC probably walk away happier than we do. Christine from Eastbourne says roughly twelve percent finish the book and the rest just say it was quite good actually. Book club pick for Christine! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-1 (W)

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Pitch-length run from the scientist, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. Oh the TOUCH from Hulk! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Hulk spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Hulk and Raphinha do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. David Raya arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

David Raya weaves through Douala Makossa-Corner's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. David Alaba screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Wave after wave, the defenders are dropping one by one. Lamine Yamal reaches the byline and cuts it back for Benjamin Šeško arriving from the second wave. BOOOM the header from Benjamin Šeško! On the cross from Raphinha, he produces a FURIOUS header that ends in the net. GOAL!

Lamine Yamal and Nuno Mendes do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. David Raya arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

The scientist finds Benjamin Šeško along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Benjamin Šeško shifts it wide to Lamine Yamal on the right, lovely ball into the space. Offside by a nose for Lamine Yamal on the ball from Pau Cubarsí! You'd need a microscope for that one. The cameras roll, VAR zooms in, the referee hesitates. This is excruciating. The referee's been to the monitor and he's ruling it out! David Alaba can't believe it!

Cross from Lamine Yamal, he puts it on the far post for Dean Huijsen. Header from Dean Huijsen, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Massive clearance from David Alaba, just get the ball as far away as possible.

The dressing room smells of Deep Heat and good decisions. David Raya is sat in the corner, ice on {his} shoulder, replaying {his} tackle on the phone. "Look at that, absolutely textbook," {he} says to David Alaba. The gaffer nods. "That is the level I want for the whole second half. No let-up." Deliveroo data leaked to the press shows Benjamin Šeško ordered from the same kebab shop 83 times in one month. At 23 and 195, the lad reportedly has a VIP loyalty card and his own reserved doner rotation. And now, our TV game show Who Dares Bins! To win a wheelie bin with your name stencilled on it, text 0800BIN and answer: 'What happens if you put your bins out on the wrong day?' Nuno Mendes leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Dean Huijsen does the dirty work, legs it back to stop the two-on-one. Absolutely immense. Dean Huijsen clips the heels of the attacker in full flight. Calculated and deliberate. Booking for Dean Huijsen, cynical foul to break up the counter. He accepts the consequences gladly. The ref reaches for yellow again and it's a red for Dean Huijsen. Down the tunnel he goes. Dean Huijsen puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Lennart Karl comes steaming in.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Benjamin Šeško tugs the shirt of the opponent, referee spots it straight away. Free kick. Benjamin Šeško goes into the book for accumulated fouls. The ref put the whistle away too long. Benjamin Šeško strikes the free kick and the wall rises in front of it. No way through.

The free kick from Warren Zaïre-Emery is sent to the near post, Benjamin Šeško rushes in to meet it. Corner from Benjamin Šeško, drops short, it's a scrap in there! A defender heads it away in desperation! The strike from Nuno Mendes is blocked by a heroic defender who throws his whole body in the way. Lamine Yamal clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

They're going for the jugular, this is a side in full flow. Inch-perfect cross from Raphinha, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Benjamin Šeško at the back post. Aerial duel lost by Benjamin Šeško, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in.

Blistering run from Lennart Karl on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Lennart Karl hits the deck like he's been shot by a sniper. Replay shows absolutely nothing. Lennart Karl earns a yellow card for diving, you reap what you sow on the pitch. The free kick from Lennart Karl clears the defence and finds David Alaba in the danger area.

Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. Hulk winds up and fires... into another dimension. The keeper didn't even blink. Massive punt from David Raya, sends the ball sixty yards, Raphinha is scrapping for it up top.

It's over and we've won it! Lamine Yamal grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Lennart Karl pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Sandra from Rotherham says neighbourhood exile and possible prosecution. The personalised wheelie bin is hers! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-1 (W)

Long ball from Raphinha to Nuno Mendes, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Looping cross from Nuno Mendes, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Pau Cubarsí. Danger. Pau Cubarsí has just done the worst thing a defender can do: score in his own goal! The cross from Benjamin Šeško comes in, he tries to clear, but the ball goes the wrong way. NOOOOO, this is HORRENDOUS!

Knee slide from Raphinha right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Nuno Mendes does the same down the line. David Raya turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Hulk feeds Lennart Karl in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lennart Karl hounds the goalkeeper on his distribution and wins the ball on the edge of the box. Audacity rewarded. GOOOOAL! Lennart Karl places it in the far corner, pure art! The keeper had no time to move.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Hulk is at the centre, lifted up by Warren Zaïre-Emery and David Raya, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Lagos No-Carry-Last's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Dean Huijsen launches it to David Alaba on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. David Alaba wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Solo run from Raphinha, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight.

The scientist spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Pau Cubarsí. That is exactly why he is out there. Offside! Pau Cubarsí was barely ahead of the last man, Warren Zaïre-Emery's ball was inch-perfect too! The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Short build-up from Dean Huijsen to Nuno Mendes, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

They've done it! Lagos No-Carry-Last find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

David Raya rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Warren Zaïre-Emery jumps on his back, David Raya is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Raphinha claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. Now Warren Zaïre-Emery has a rather unusual pre-match ritual — he has to watch a full episode of EastEnders before kickoff. If Phil Mitchell isn't in the episode, he considers it a bad omen. He's 20 years old and still won't grow out of it. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7799 and answer this question: 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?' And we are back underway! David Raya jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The lads are taking the game to them, proper front-foot football. Warren Zaïre-Emery winds up and shoots, but the defender throws himself down and takes the ball in the stomach. Brave stuff. The cross from Lamine Yamal is blocked by a defender, the defence has done its job. Monster clearance from Lamine Yamal! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone.

Dean Huijsen clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. Lamine Yamal puts way too much on his cross, it sails over everyone's head.

Pau Cubarsí heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. David Raya fires it out quickly by hand to Benjamin Šeško, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Benjamin Šeško dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Benjamin Šeško clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away.

Warren Zaïre-Emery finds the gap and serves Dean Huijsen in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Dean Huijsen is a fraction offside when Nuno Mendes plays the ball, the flag goes up instantly. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something.

David Raya plays it short to Raphinha, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Great vision from Raphinha who switches to Dean Huijsen. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Dean Huijsen launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Dean Huijsen was flying. Dean Huijsen launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

David Raya finds Pau Cubarsí with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Pau Cubarsí tries to pick out Raphinha on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. Benjamin Šeško reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Brilliant switch of play from Benjamin Šeško! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Hulk. Cross from Hulk off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Benjamin Šeško at the far side.

That's what it MEANS! Pau Cubarsí rips off his shirt and whips it around his head, sprinting toward the corner flag. Lennart Karl catches up and they collide in a mess of limbs and pure joy. The gaffer's fist-pumping on the touchline. Lagos No-Carry-Last are done. Absolutely done. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?'. The answer was of course fourteen meetings across eighteen months, plus a public consultation and a strongly worded letter from a retired colonel. Valerie wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-1 (W)

Lennart Karl plays the short corner to Hulk, a little combination on the flank. The scientist rolls it back along the ground for Dean Huijsen. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches. GOOOOOAL! Dean Huijsen is positioned on the penalty spot from the cross by Lennart Karl and slides the ball into the empty net!

Raw emotion: Lennart Karl cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Hulk crouches beside him and speaks softly. David Raya jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Benjamin Šeško presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Key pass from Benjamin Šeško! It fizzes between the lines and Pau Cubarsí collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. BOOOM Pau Cubarsí UNLEASHES a powerful strike! The keeper was on the line but it scorched his gloves. GOAL!

Benjamin Šeško runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Raphinha gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

The corner from Warren Zaïre-Emery is thumped clear by the defence, back to the halfway line. Dean Huijsen throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Massive diagonal from Dean Huijsen! David Alaba receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. David Alaba dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution.

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Raw emotion: David Raya cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Pau Cubarsí crouches beside him and speaks softly. David Raya jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

The tension is unbearable, you can only hear the shouts on the pitch. Shot from the scientist, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Pau Cubarsí is leaning back with {his} feet up, 184 cm of pure relaxation. David Alaba is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. Now David Alaba has a rather endearing habit — he names all his boots. Current pair are called Keith and Denise. He says Keith has better curl on him but Denise is more reliable in the wet. He's 180 and clinically unhinged. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Lamine Yamal is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

What positioning from Nuno Mendes! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Nuno Mendes plays it simple to Lennart Karl, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. With one swing of the boot, Lennart Karl finds Lamine Yamal on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Lamine Yamal finds Lennart Karl between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

David Alaba boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Clinical interception from Hulk, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. SHOOOOOT from Warren Zaïre-Emery, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide! Corner from Warren Zaïre-Emery into the danger zone but the defence stands firm, headed away.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Nuno Mendes pierces the backline with a low through ball, Lamine Yamal latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent.

Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. Lennart Karl lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off! Quick throw from David Raya to David Alaba out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. David Alaba aims for Lennart Karl but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out.

Nuno Mendes with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Quick one-two between Nuno Mendes and Hulk, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Hulk wants to play it quick but the pass to Nuno Mendes is wayward, lacking any precision. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic.

Warren Zaïre-Emery embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. Superb pass from Warren Zaïre-Emery into the gap for Raphinha, the defender is rooted to the spot. The assistant flags Raphinha offside, it's a matter of inches! Warren Zaïre-Emery kicks the turf in frustration. David Raya sparks the transition with a quick throw to Warren Zaïre-Emery, the break is lightning fast.

The whistle blows and Lennart Karl lets out a breath he's been holding for ninety minutes. David Raya claps him on the back: "Told you we'd do 'em." The gaffer's already planning the next match, but tonight? Tonight belongs to the lads. And the pub. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-2 (L)

Tremendous work from Lamine Yamal who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. GOOOOAL! Lamine Yamal was lurking in the right place, he toes it in past the keeper.

Lamine Yamal legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Benjamin Šeško tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Short corner from Raphinha to David Alaba, they're looking for a better crossing angle. Cut-back from David Alaba, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Pau Cubarsí. What PRESENCE from Pau Cubarsí in the box! He toes the ball into the net. PURE OPPORTUNIST'S GOAL!

Sideways ball from Lennart Karl to Nuno Mendes, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. They've got the bit between their teeth, this is fantastic to watch. Lamine Yamal tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog.

GOAAAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Nuno Mendes fires the ball over to Raphinha with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Crunching tackle by Raphinha on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Almighty boot from Raphinha who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at David Raya. "That is your job. 31 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. Now Pau Cubarsí has a rather endearing habit — he names all his boots. Current pair are called Keith and Denise. He says Keith has better curl on him but Denise is more reliable in the wet. He's 184 and clinically unhinged. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6767 and answer this question: 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Pau Cubarsí claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. BANG! Lennart Karl hits it! On target, it's flying but the keeper is there and gathers at the second attempt. Corner from Lennart Karl, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears. Nuno Mendes anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Nuno Mendes picks out Lennart Karl with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

Oh it's gone in! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Perfect back flip from David Raya right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Benjamin Šeško tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even David Raya has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Burst of pace from Lennart Karl on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Neat lay-off from Lennart Karl for Raphinha in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Raphinha has embarrassed himself there, missing in front of an open goal after that beauty from Lennart Karl. Terrible. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

Pau Cubarsí hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. Little shift from Hulk to Lamine Yamal, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Lamine Yamal nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. CRAAACKER from Lamine Yamal outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close...

Raphinha chips an aerial cross over the centre-halves, Hulk is under the dropping ball. The scientist goes for the volley, spectacular but it flies over. In that position, having the guts to try that takes some bottle, just unlucky with the accuracy. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality.

Short distribution from David Raya to Lamine Yamal, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Classy interception from Lamine Yamal, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Lamine Yamal puts it right into the feet of Raphinha, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Step-over from Raphinha, he ghosts past his man in one move! Raphinha looks up and swings in a floated cross, Lamine Yamal rises among the defenders.

David Raya opts for the short option to David Alaba, keeping possession, building play, no panic. David Alaba sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Raphinha. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Rapid combination: Raphinha to Nuno Mendes, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Nuno Mendes curls a cross to the near post, Lamine Yamal is lurking in the box.

Full time and it's level. David Raya stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Hulk grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?'. The answer was of course a Frustration of Caravans, not to be confused with a Despair of Tractors. Valerie wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-1 (W)

That's a beauty from Dean Huijsen! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Dean Huijsen plays it into the channel for Nuno Mendes, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. GOOOOOAL! Nuno Mendes lets his technique do the talking, he curls it on the pass from Lamine Yamal and the ball nestles in the corner!

Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Ball over the top from Dean Huijsen, Benjamin Šeško had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. Benjamin Šeško hangs around the box like a vulture! And BAM, he turns the smallest scrap into a goal. GOAL!

Dead defender. Dean Huijsen mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Lennart Karl completes the choreography by collapsing. David Raya arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Applying the tourniquet, it's become a case of when not if. Raphinha puts the ball right into the mixer, Warren Zaïre-Emery arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. What a leap from Warren Zaïre-Emery! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure.

The overlap from Warren Zaïre-Emery, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Warren Zaïre-Emery lays it off on the edge of the box for Lamine Yamal, it is all wide open! Lamine Yamal with the goal gaping thanks to David Alaba... and he sends it over the crossbar. We cannot believe it. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end.

David Raya hoofs it forward towards Nuno Mendes, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Nuno Mendes reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately.

David Alaba is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Lennart Karl adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Quite remarkable — David Raya got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 31 years old. And now, our TV game show Escape to the Country Lane! To win directions to a village with no phone signal, text 0800RURAL and answer: 'How far from the nearest Tesco Express must you live before it counts as the countryside?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Nuno Mendes picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Pau Cubarsí gives it to Hulk into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Switch from Hulk! The ball arcs over the midfield and Nuno Mendes collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Good delivery from Nuno Mendes off the left flank, Benjamin Šeško positions himself between the two centre-halves.

The free kick from Lennart Karl is played to the side for David Alaba, intelligent stuff. David Alaba beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction. David Alaba slips Raphinha in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Rapid combination Raphinha-David Alaba, the one-two rips through the midfield. That is snooker.

Warren Zaïre-Emery goes crossfield to Nuno Mendes, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Nuno Mendes beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Lifesaving clearance from Nuno Mendes! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

Lightning overlap from Warren Zaïre-Emery, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Warren Zaïre-Emery goes down softly, looking for the foul that never was. Play on. Warren Zaïre-Emery cautioned for diving, he threw himself down and the ref threw the book at him. Warren Zaïre-Emery sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, Pau Cubarsí pops up between two defenders.

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Masterful reading from Nuno Mendes who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Nuno Mendes shifts it to Benjamin Šeško with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Benjamin Šeško drops it into space for Warren Zaïre-Emery, the kind of pass that looks simple but requires a reading of the game that is way above average. Warren Zaïre-Emery drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Lennart Karl. Header lost by Lennart Karl, the opponent took the elevator while Lennart Karl stayed on the ground floor.

The whistle blows and David Raya lets out a breath he's been holding for ninety minutes. Hulk claps him on the back: "Told you we'd do 'em." The gaffer's already planning the next match, but tonight? Tonight belongs to the lads. And the pub. Hilary from Surrey says at least three miles from a Tesco Express and you need at least one cow visible from the window. Directions for Hilary! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-1 (L)

Oh that's poor! Rio Malandro FC score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Warren Zaïre-Emery finds Nuno Mendes between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Nuno Mendes pulls it back along the ground for Lennart Karl, that is the perfect cut-back! Lennart Karl aims and places it BEAUTIFULLY! Curled strike, the ball brushes the post and rocks the net!

Warren Zaïre-Emery sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Raphinha photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Telepathic pass from Dean Huijsen to Pau Cubarsí, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. No question about that one, Pau Cubarsí was clearly offside when Nuno Mendes released the pass. Dean Huijsen hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match.

David Raya distributes short to Lamine Yamal, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Lamine Yamal sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level. Oh what a challenge! Lamine Yamal goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Big clearance from Lamine Yamal under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line.

Complete suffocation, the opposition can't get past the halfway line. Brilliant interception from David Alaba, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. David Alaba spots Lennart Karl in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Lennart Karl with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy.

David Raya is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of David Raya: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Hulk still drives the same Vauxhall Corsa from when the lad was 17, despite earning enough to buy a fleet. The 28-year-old says the rattling exhaust 'keeps you grounded, innit.' And now, our TV game show Escape to the Country Lane! To win directions to a village with no phone signal, text 0800RURAL and answer: 'How far from the nearest Tesco Express must you live before it counts as the countryside?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Raphinha picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Dean Huijsen boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. David Raya distributes by hand to Dean Huijsen on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Dean Huijsen launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Lennart Karl, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Lennart Karl spreads the play and finds Raphinha in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. SHOOOOOOT from Raphinha! It's whistling towards goal but the keeper beats it away. Strong hands!

Perfectly executed challenge by Dean Huijsen, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Panicked clearance from Dean Huijsen, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

David Raya rolls it short to Dean Huijsen into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Dean Huijsen delivers a tidy ball to Nuno Mendes, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Nuno Mendes feeds Warren Zaïre-Emery in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Warren Zaïre-Emery brings the opponent down with a cynical challenge. Nothing malicious, just effective. The free kick from Warren Zaïre-Emery lands right on Lennart Karl in the heart of the box. What a delivery!

Quick combination between Warren Zaïre-Emery and Hulk, give and go, the defender did not see it coming. Devastating burst of pace from Warren Zaïre-Emery, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Warren Zaïre-Emery slides the ball along the ground for Nuno Mendes, the keeper is stranded on this cut-back.

Free kick from Lamine Yamal delivered with pace, Hulk finds himself in space at the far post. Hulk powers his header, the ball rockets over the crossbar. It was that close. Monster clearance from David Raya, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Lamine Yamal.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. David Raya tips the shot over the bar, that is the save of the match! David Raya plays out from the back with David Alaba, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

Honours even. Lamine Yamal finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Raphinha walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. Hilary from Surrey says at least three miles from a Tesco Express and you need at least one cow visible from the window. Directions for Hilary! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Oh no, Istanbul Cehennem FK have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Dean Huijsen throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Dean Huijsen decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination. GOOOAL! Dean Huijsen executes the PERFECT lob! The keeper made the mistake of coming out and Dean Huijsen punishes him with INCREDIBLE finesse. The ball floats and settles in the net. GOAL OF GENIUS!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Dean Huijsen strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Lennart Karl points at it, jaw on the floor. David Raya shakes his head, not believing it.

Hulk swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Raphinha, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Raphinha floats a cross in from the wing for Pau Cubarsí, the ball hangs in the box! OHHH NOOOO! Own goal from Pau Cubarsí! He tried to head it clear but the ball loops over his keeper and nestles in the net! The poor lad is on his KNEES, he does not know where to look. Complete disaster.

Hulk runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. David Raya tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Rapid combination: Dean Huijsen to Raphinha, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Raphinha puts David Alaba into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. Perfect low cut-back from David Alaba, the ball slides across the box and Raphinha just has to finish.

Long kick from David Raya, Benjamin Šeško positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Lovely interception from Benjamin Šeško, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Benjamin Šeško picks out Lennart Karl with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

Hulk starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Pau Cubarsí conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." The 23-year-old Benjamin Šeško reportedly starts every morning by staring out the window with a brew for exactly eleven minutes in complete silence. At 195, the silhouette alone is enough to terrify the postman. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Nuno Mendes leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

The crowd can sense it, something's about to give. They jump on every pass, the intensity is absolutely frightening. Warren Zaïre-Emery sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery. Warren Zaïre-Emery takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent.

Raphinha finds Lennart Karl between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. It is not happening for Lennart Karl, the pass to Dean Huijsen is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces. Huge tackle from Raphinha! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away.

Raphinha slips Benjamin Šeško in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Lovely use of the ball by Benjamin Šeško, finding Nuno Mendes in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Nuno Mendes shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. Nuno Mendes gets tackled cleanly by the defender mid-dribble. Possession lost.

They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Delicious through ball from Lamine Yamal, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Nuno Mendes is there to gobble it up. Effort from Nuno Mendes, it's GOIIIIING and it's on target! The keeper gets down well and holds it. No goal. Nuno Mendes aims the corner to the back post but it is headed clear by the defence.

David Raya goes long for Warren Zaïre-Emery, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Aerial duel lost by Warren Zaïre-Emery, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. Header from Dean Huijsen on the perfect cross from Raphinha, it fliiies but it is over the bar!

David Alaba boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Warren Zaïre-Emery is eaten alive in the air by the attacker, the duel is lost beyond any doubt. Pure power won the day. David Raya grabs the ball in the air, two firm hands, no spilling. Immaculate. Long ball from David Raya for Warren Zaïre-Emery who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Warren Zaïre-Emery wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs.

GET IN THERE! Benjamin Šeško slides on his knees across the wet turf, Pau Cubarsí piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Istanbul Cehennem FK can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-2 (L)

David Raya boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Pau Cubarsí! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Aerial duel won by Pau Cubarsí in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything. OHHHH the HEEEEADER from Pau Cubarsí! On the gift from Warren Zaïre-Emery, he plants the ball perfectly and beats the keeper!

David Raya legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Benjamin Šeško tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment David Raya strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Pau Cubarsí points at it, jaw on the floor. David Raya shakes his head, not believing it.

Incredible burst of pace from Lamine Yamal, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Lamine Yamal sends a lobbed cross over the defenders, Warren Zaïre-Emery arrives at full tilt in behind. GOOOOOOAL! Warren Zaïre-Emery bursts into the box, meets the cross from Lamine Yamal with his head and rocks the net!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Lamine Yamal ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Lennart Karl leaps over him. David Raya walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

The free kick is played as a short pass by Warren Zaïre-Emery, David Alaba picks it up and drives forward. David Alaba eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. David Alaba spreads it to Warren Zaïre-Emery, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Warren Zaïre-Emery gives it to Pau Cubarsí and bursts in behind the marker. The return arrives in stride. Perfection.

Pau Cubarsí shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Pau Cubarsí spots the run from David Alaba and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! David Raya turns himself into a wall! He comes out, narrows the angle and smothers the lot. The keeper is IMPASSABLE. David Raya lumps it long towards Raphinha, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Raphinha opens up to Nuno Mendes on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Raphinha reties {his} laces for the fourth time. David Raya cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." A source close to the squad tells us that Lennart Karl has an encyclopaedic knowledge of every item on the Greggs menu. He can recite prices, calorie counts, and seasonal specials. At 168, he's basically a walking Greggs database. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1234 and answer this question: 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?' Kick-off! David Raya wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Solo raid from Lamine Yamal from inside his own half, he beats everyone. That is unbelievable. No luck for Lamine Yamal, the dribble does not come off, the defender anticipates and steals the ball. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing.

Raphinha delivers from the byline, Warren Zaïre-Emery is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. Warren Zaïre-Emery tries a cross but it is repelled by a well-positioned defender. Nothing doing. Pau Cubarsí takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared. Magnificent reading of the game from Nuno Mendes, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

David Raya rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Pau Cubarsí jumps on his back, David Raya is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Hulk rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side. HANDBALL! The ref points to the spot, the defender handled Hulk's shot in the box. Stonewall penalty. Penalty missed! Warren Zaïre-Emery sends the ball sailing over the crossbar. The pressure ate him alive.

Lennart Karl sends the free kick in front of goal, Benjamin Šeško leaps to try the header. Header won by Benjamin Šeško, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall. Benjamin Šeško puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Benjamin Šeško clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick. Benjamin Šeško pretends to strike and lays it off to Hulk, well worked short free kick.

Raphinha puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Warren Zaïre-Emery is there to finish. HEADER from Warren Zaïre-Emery! His forehead connects but it flies over the crossbar. Unlucky.

Honours even. David Raya swaps shirts with one of the Milano Piano-Piano lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Warren Zaïre-Emery, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?'. The answer was of course three and a half, or four if you really mean it. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-2 (L)

Warren Zaïre-Emery spreads it to Benjamin Šeško, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Benjamin Šeško lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Hulk down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. GOOOOAL for Hulk! ABSOLUTE SCREAMER, the keeper dives at thin air, the ball ends up in the back of the net!

The pile at the corner flag. Warren Zaïre-Emery is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. David Raya arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

They've scored! Sevilla Olé-Olé break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

David Raya runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Nuno Mendes gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Raphinha powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Raphinha dinks his cross over the defensive curtain for Pau Cubarsí, the kind of delivery that brings the crowd to its feet. Pau Cubarsí stretches in the air and powers the header of the match! On the cross from Warren Zaïre-Emery, it is in the top corner. GOAL!

Perfect back flip from Raphinha right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Lennart Karl tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even David Raya has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. Raphinha accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Raphinha slips Benjamin Šeško in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Acceleration from Lennart Karl down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Lennart Karl crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Beautiful distribution from David Raya to Nuno Mendes, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Nuno Mendes pings a ridiculous diagonal to Pau Cubarsí. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

Tactical debate in the corner. David Raya wants to push higher. David Alaba reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. David Alaba, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A teammate has confirmed that David Raya watches Bargain Hunt religiously and shouts at the telly when contestants overpay. He once phoned in to complain about a Staffordshire pottery valuation. The man is 31 and fully invested in daytime antiques. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. David Raya wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Momentum is a funny thing in football, and it's firmly in their corner. Raphinha crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Pau Cubarsí is there to meet it. Pau Cubarsí takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air.

Pau Cubarsí feeds Hulk in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Hulk goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Crossfield pass from Hulk to Warren Zaïre-Emery, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet.

David Raya throws it out quickly to David Alaba, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. David Alaba to Hulk, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Hulk takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Hulk lobs the defence with a silky chipped cross, Lennart Karl brings it down on his chest. Magnificent.

The goal is shaking, every shot has the crowd on their feet. OHHH Lamine Yamal unleashes an absolute thunderbolt! On target but the keeper pulls off a stunner!

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

David Raya legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Lamine Yamal tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

High recovery from Raphinha who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. BY A WHISKER! Raphinha fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. Hulk weights his pass into the space for Benjamin Šeško who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Benjamin Šeško reaches the byline and pulls it back for Lennart Karl, the low ball fizzes through the area.

Clever free kick from Warren Zaïre-Emery to Lennart Karl, they play it short to cut out the wall. Lennart Karl winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Hulk frees up the entire channel for Lennart Karl with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot.

Share of the spoils. Lennart Karl walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. David Alaba throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. Sevilla Olé-Olé probably walk away happier than we do. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-1 (W)

Raphinha bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. The referee does NOT hesitate: penalty! Raphinha has been clattered in the box by the defender. The moment is GIGANTIC, everything hinges on this decision! GOOOOAL! Raphinha converts the penalty, the keeper goes the wrong way. Ice cold.

Raphinha and Hulk do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. David Raya arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Hulk charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. Hulk drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Benjamin Šeško read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Benjamin Šeško has the gift of the great strikers: being where it matters. On the loose ball, he prods it in, GOAL!

And it's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. David Raya ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. David Alaba leaps over him. David Raya walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Pau Cubarsí drops a lofted ball to David Alaba, it sails over the entire midfield line. David Alaba loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning.

No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. Pau Cubarsí rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to David Alaba. The far side is completely deserted. David Alaba fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Hulk throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. David Raya plucks the cross like a proper keeper. No frills, just pure efficiency. The keeper is calm.

Raphinha starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Nuno Mendes conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." A completely made-up study from the University of Wolverhampton claims Dean Huijsen's left foot generates more power than a Ford Transit. At 197 and 21 years old, the data is apparently 'peer-reviewed by Dave from accounts.' And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Lennart Karl picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Change of flanks from Lamine Yamal, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Benjamin Šeško. Superb leap from Benjamin Šeško who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below. Benjamin Šeško scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Dean Huijsen is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take.

Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Monumental ball from Lennart Karl to David Alaba, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. David Alaba charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible.

David Alaba slides it to Lennart Karl, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Lennart Karl changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Lamine Yamal. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Overlap on the left from Lamine Yamal, floated cross towards Nuno Mendes who rises highest at the far post.

Nuno Mendes lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Nuno Mendes switches the play to Pau Cubarsí on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Pau Cubarsí takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Aimless cross from Pau Cubarsí, not for Warren Zaïre-Emery, not for anyone. That is a waste. Short restart from David Raya to Pau Cubarsí, building from the back nice and tidy.

The team is building serious momentum, chances are starting to flow. Benjamin Šeško swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating.

Pau Cubarsí sends an aerial beauty to Benjamin Šeško, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Poor decision from Benjamin Šeško on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Massive clearance from David Alaba in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Wing switch from Lamine Yamal, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Pau Cubarsí brings it down with a velvet touch. Class.

What a performance! Hulk exchanges jerseys with the München Ordnung-Muss-Sein skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Benjamin Šeško just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-3 (L)

The final minutes are breathless, everyone is pushing for an equaliser. Raphinha rises on the delivery from Hulk and powers a furious header into the net!

Hulk nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic. The scientist aims with surgical precision on the pass from Warren Zaïre-Emery! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

Hulk runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Pau Cubarsí joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Granite defense, every tackle clean, every clearance powerful. OHHH the rush from David Raya! He read it, charged, and smothered the ball. ONE-ON-ONE WON! David Raya sends an absolute rocket towards Dean Huijsen, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Dean Huijsen intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Solo charge from Dean Huijsen, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field.

It's there! London Three-Pints hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Dean Huijsen to Lamine Yamal, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Foul by Lamine Yamal, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

The gaffer changes everything. Formation, personnel, instructions. Hulk gets shifted. Pau Cubarsí drops deeper. "What we did in the first half never happened, right? We delete it, we burn it, we start fresh." The players listen in grim silence. The second half is a rescue mission now and everyone knows it. A gorgeous bit of intel — David Raya once entered a pub quiz in Wolverhampton under the team name 'Definitely Not A Footballer.' Won the whole thing. Prize was a meat raffle and a crate of Carling. At 31, that's what peak performance looks like. And now, our TV game show Richard and Judy's Revenge! To win a book club pick nobody actually read, text 4789 and answer: 'What percentage of book club members actually finish the book?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Warren Zaïre-Emery sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

And that's a goal! London Three-Pints extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

David Raya legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Dean Huijsen tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

On the corner from Warren Zaïre-Emery, David Alaba heads it at the penalty spot, goes wide. What a waste. Short distribution from David Raya to Lamine Yamal, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Lay-off from Lamine Yamal to Nuno Mendes, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Diagonal from Nuno Mendes to Pau Cubarsí, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

Raphinha tries to cross from the wing but the defender heads it away. Lennart Karl whips his corner straight out for a goal kick, masterclass in how not to do it.

Authoritative clearance from Pau Cubarsí in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless.

Short restart from David Raya to Lennart Karl, building from the back nice and tidy. Well spotted by Lennart Karl who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Lennart Karl unleashes a raking ball out to Lamine Yamal, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

It's hit the back of the net! London Three-Pints lead and we look completely lost.

David Raya runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Dean Huijsen joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Firm pass from David Alaba into Lamine Yamal, right into the boots. No waste. Lamine Yamal feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed. Lamine Yamal gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, Benjamin Šeško is there to meet it. Benjamin Šeško spreads it to David Alaba, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

Nuno Mendes looks up and launches a long pass towards David Alaba. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Crafty ball from David Alaba into the gap, Raphinha arrives into the space and collects on the move. Overlap from Raphinha with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Cut-back along the deck from Raphinha, Dean Huijsen pops up between the centre-halves. The pull-back is spot on.

Full time. David Raya applauds the home fans with genuine gratitude — they never booed, not once. Pau Cubarsí joins the clap. A few supporters lean over and say encouraging things. "Keep going, lads." It helps, a bit. The walk to the tunnel is the longest forty yards in football. Christine from Eastbourne says roughly twelve percent finish the book and the rest just say it was quite good actually. Book club pick for Christine! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.