My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

2-2 (L)

Absolutely dreadful! Paris Saint-Glinglin score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar opts for the short option to Mario, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Mario sets it for Gumball Watterson, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. GOOOAL for Gumball Watterson! On the lay-off from Mario, he unleashes a strike from 30 yards and beats the keeper!

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Nick DiGiovanni takes a knee behind him. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

It's a goal for Paris Saint-Glinglin! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

High recovery from the cook who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. Nick DiGiovanni embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace. The cook executes a MAGNIFICENT lob! In that position, it is finesse and intelligence that make the difference, and that is exactly what we just saw. GOAL OF GENIUS!

Harry Potter clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. The investor rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. The investor lays it off first time to Batman, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Nick DiGiovanni, stop dropping deep. Mario, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. Absolutely classic — Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was once the star attraction at a village boot sale in Suffolk, selling his nan's ornamental plates. Raised forty-seven quid and a tin of Quality Street. The man is a national treasure at 79 years old. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9090 and answer this question: 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?' The second period begins and IShowSpeed launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Clever short corner from Mario to Luigi, they're trying to break the defensive block. Luigi sends in a curling delivery, Batman peels off the back of his marker and finds space. Batman sends his cross sailing over everyone, Cristiano Ronaldo cannot even get close to it.

Free kick from Gumball Watterson, lovely delivery and Mario rises above the defence. Mario tries a floated cross but the defender rises and heads it clear. Batman puts his corner into the box but the defence is solid, cleared away.

Rapid combination Luigi-Mario, the one-two rips through the midfield. That is snooker. Luigi finds Donald Trump with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails. The film producer pushes the shot away with an iron fist. In that position, reflexes are everything, and right there he was MONUMENTAL. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar takes his time and plays it short to Donald Trump. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Wasteful from Donald Trump on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Gumball Watterson throws his arms up in frustration.

Clearance from the film producer towards Lionel Messi, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Lionel Messi picks out Cristiano Ronaldo with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

Burst of speed from the plumber down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. The referee blows and points to the penalty spot! Luigi has been bundled over in the box. The defender used too much body, it is a penalty! MASSIVE moment of the match! Luigi takes the penalty and... it's wide! He crumbles, the pressure was unbearable.

Donald Trump spots Gumball Watterson in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Good run from Gumball Watterson who crosses to the near post for IShowSpeed. The defender is beaten to it. OHHH the save from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar! Hit hard and true but the keeper is from ANOTHER GALAXY. The corner from Gumball Watterson lands on the head of Nick DiGiovanni but the ball flies over. He had to do better.

Textbook tackle from Batman there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Batman links up with Gumball Watterson, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. The middle schooler shifts Donald Trump into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. Donald Trump attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious. IShowSpeed sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

A draw. Lionel Messi claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Donald Trump tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?'. The answer was of course 1847, and Team GB has won gold at every Olympics since, though nobody noticed because the medal ceremony queue was too long. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

It's hit the back of the net! México No-Era-Penal lead and we look completely lost.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Nick DiGiovanni does the wave with contortionist grace. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Gumball Watterson presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Gumball Watterson has the gift of the great strikers: being where it matters. On the loose ball, he prods it in, GOAL!

Gumball Watterson stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Batman follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Royal interception from Donald Trump! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Donald Trump keeps it short to Cristiano Ronaldo, no frills, just good football intelligence. Cristiano Ronaldo beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Cristiano Ronaldo drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Nick DiGiovanni. OHHH the header from the cook goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision.

The corner from Gumball Watterson finds Mario who heads it, goes over the bar. Missed chance. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar hoofs it forward towards Lionel Messi, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Lionel Messi overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Lionel Messi reaches the byline and cuts it back for Nick DiGiovanni arriving from the second wave.

The middle schooler does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. The middle schooler plays it simple to IShowSpeed, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. IShowSpeed gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. IShowSpeed sends his cross straight into the keeper's gloves, nobody on the end of it.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Kareem Abdul-Jabbar exhales and sits. Lovely story from Nick DiGiovanni's childhood — he used to practice free kicks in the alley behind a chip shop in Doncaster. The owner would give him a free bag of scraps if he hit the wheelie bin from thirty yards. That's where 111 of pure talent was forged. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 9911 and answer this question: 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?' Second half underway and IShowSpeed is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. Ball in behind from the cook, Cristiano Ronaldo is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Overlap from Cristiano Ronaldo on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Cristiano Ronaldo lobs the centre-halves with an inch-perfect cross, Gumball Watterson arrives centrally behind them. Dream scenario. Gumball Watterson thumps his header on the delivery from Harry Potter but it sails over.

IShowSpeed delivers a tidy ball to Harry Potter, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Harry Potter takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Harry Potter lofts a cross into the box, Lionel Messi is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Ball plucked out of the air by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, total composure.

Batman produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Pitch-length run from the superhero, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. Crafty ball from Batman into the gap, Lionel Messi arrives into the space and collects on the move.

What a tackle by Batman! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Ball over the top from Batman, Harry Potter had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. WHAT A RUSH from the film producer! That kind of keeper lets you play high without fearing the one-on-one. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar distributes short to Gumball Watterson, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Gumball Watterson unleashes a raking ball out to Donald Trump, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. The investor finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Batman clean through. Pure genius from that position. Tight offside against the superhero, Gumball Watterson's through ball deserved better than that.

The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. Nick DiGiovanni spreads it to IShowSpeed, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Lay-off from IShowSpeed to Lionel Messi, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Great vision from Lionel Messi who finds Mario in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe.

1-1 and off we go. Donald Trump hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?'. The answer was of course up to nine, though anything past six risks structural sigh failure. Nigel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

Oh dear, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Mario does the wave with contortionist grace. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break. Mario winds up and it is a BULLET! The ball travels through the box at the speed of light, GOAL!

Mario rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Batman jumps on his back, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. Pinpoint delivery from the middle schooler towards Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Cristiano Ronaldo rises majestically and meets the ball with his HEEEEEAD! The keeper bows, GOOOOAL!

Gumball Watterson places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Harry Potter falls to his knees bowing. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Stoppage time! It's not over yet, anything can still happen. Good ball from the rapper to Gumball Watterson, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Gumball Watterson presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast.

Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Wing switch from Gumball Watterson, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Batman brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. The superhero dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Batman rolls it to Donald Trump, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Lionel Messi. And you, Nick DiGiovanni. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. A wonderful anecdote — Kareem Abdul-Jabbar once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 79 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 7777 and answer this question: 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Lionel Messi knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Magnificent low block, holding out like a besieged fortress. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar turns himself into a wall! He comes out, narrows the angle and smothers the lot. The keeper is IMPASSABLE. Short restart from the film producer to Harry Potter, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Decisive interception from the quidditch player, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Incredible solo charge from the quidditch player, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition.

Panicked clearance from Donald Trump, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Aerial duel won by Mario, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Burst of speed from Mario, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. The plumber finds Lionel Messi along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

What a mess! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Nick DiGiovanni whips the free kick into the box for Gumball Watterson, dangerous delivery! Diving header from Gumball Watterson on the cross from IShowSpeed! Beautiful effort but it is wide, gutting!

Short pass from the cook to Batman, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The superhero cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Lionel Messi. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Lionel Messi sends the ball to join the pigeons above the stadium. Completely and utterly missed.

Corner cleared, the middle schooler finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. Long ball from Cristiano Ronaldo to Donald Trump, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. The overlap from Donald Trump, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Ball loss from the investor on a dribble. In that role, taking risks is fine, but the timing has to be spot on. Classy interception from Batman, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

The plumber finds Lionel Messi along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Lionel Messi triggers a change of flanks for Luigi, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Good cross from the plumber for Cristiano Ronaldo in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Cross from Cristiano Ronaldo too hard, too long, the keeper barely has to bend down to collect.

Level. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Harry Potter waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?'. The answer was of course Lord Palmerston, who was going around in circles politically and decided to make it literal. Norman wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-2 (L)

Change of flanks from Donald Trump, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find IShowSpeed. IShowSpeed delivers from the byline, Lionel Messi is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. Oh you MUPPET!! Lionel Messi scores an own goal! The cross from Gumball Watterson comes in, he tries to cut it out and he hammers it into his own top corner. That is TRAGIC, there is no other word for it.

Donald Trump runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Nick DiGiovanni joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Donald Trump cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Through ball from the investor for Mario, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Mario gets into the right angle and finishes with precision! The ball rolls into the goal, GOAL!

Harry Potter gives it to IShowSpeed into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Body feint from the rapper, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. IShowSpeed tries to be clever but gets dispossessed cleanly by his direct opponent. The plumber positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Luigi boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. A tug on the shirt from Lionel Messi, the opponent can't get away. Free kick.

Free kick crossed in by the plumber into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. The investor sees his cross deflected behind for a corner. It happens, but you have got to keep delivering from that side. The corner from Harry Potter is headed away by the defence at the near post. Batman fires the ball over to Donald Trump with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. Luigi shifts uncomfortably on the bench. Donald Trump picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." Nutritionists are baffled by Gumball Watterson's insistence on eating Monster Munch before every match. At 180 tall, the lad credits pickled onion flavour specifically for his aerial dominance. And now, our TV game show The Chase Is On the Telly! To win a box set of every Antiques Roadshow episode, text 0800VASE and answer: 'What is the most British response to finding out your vase is worth fifty thousand pounds?' Nick DiGiovanni leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

The free kick from Mario clears the defence and finds Nick DiGiovanni in the danger area. Magnificent leap from Nick DiGiovanni who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Authoritative clearance from Nick DiGiovanni in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

Gumball Watterson puts it right into the feet of IShowSpeed, one touch and away. Silky stuff. The rapper lays it off first time to Batman, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Good delivery from Batman off the left flank, Nick DiGiovanni positions himself between the two centre-halves. The cook misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Lionel Messi steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Crossfield pass from Lionel Messi to Harry Potter, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. The quidditch player whips in a classic cross for IShowSpeed in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. The rapper heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on.

They've done it! Dakar Teranga FC find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Lovely use of the ball by Cristiano Ronaldo, finding Nick DiGiovanni in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Nick DiGiovanni plays it simple to Cristiano Ronaldo, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The one-two between Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

GOAL for Dakar Teranga FC! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Batman takes a knee behind him. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar distributes by hand to Donald Trump on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Dominant header from Donald Trump on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Big clearance from Donald Trump under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Huge aerial duel won by Lionel Messi, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane. Lionel Messi launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

1-1. Mario and Gumball Watterson are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Mario. "Next time," replies Gumball Watterson. And they vanish into the tunnel. Beryl from Cheltenham says the most British response is oh that's nice then quietly putting it back on the shelf. Box set is hers! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Cristiano Ronaldo to Nick DiGiovanni, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The cook wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice. The cook aims with surgical precision on the pass from Gumball Watterson! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

Cristiano Ronaldo spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. IShowSpeed gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

The superhero intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Batman sees what nobody else sees and puts Donald Trump through on goal with a genius through ball. What a STRIKER Donald Trump is! He was right where he needed to be, in off the toe. GOOOAL!

Knee slide from Batman right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Mario does the same down the line. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar plays it along the ground to Donald Trump, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Absolutely immense from Donald Trump! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. Telepathic pass from Cristiano Ronaldo to Lionel Messi, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Superb defensive work from Lionel Messi there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that!

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Relentless pressure, the back line is groaning under the weight. The plumber bends the ball into the box for Cristiano Ronaldo. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games.

Unbelievable! Douala Makossa-Corner score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Mario do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

The gaffer pulls up Douala Makossa-Corner's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, you have the pace. Donald Trump, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Harry Potter once set off three smoke alarms trying to make beans on toast. Fire services arrived to find the 46-year-old fanning a tea towel at a cremated Warburtons loaf — an absolute state. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 1133 and answer this question: 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Cristiano Ronaldo is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

The film producer throws it out to Donald Trump, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Great vision from Donald Trump who switches to Mario. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Aerial duel won by Mario, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender. The plumber launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. The film producer goes long for Lionel Messi, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

Oh that's terrible! Douala Makossa-Corner score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Nick DiGiovanni do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

The free kick from Mario is sent to the near post, Luigi rushes in to meet it. The plumber wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. The plumber accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Luigi brings the opponent down with a cynical challenge. Nothing malicious, just effective. The free kick from Luigi is played with a deft touch to Donald Trump, well-drilled combination.

Enormous clearance from Donald Trump inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over. Nick DiGiovanni feeds Lionel Messi in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Awful pass from Lionel Messi, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start. They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sparks the transition with a quick throw to IShowSpeed, the break is lightning fast. IShowSpeed gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building. Perfectly executed challenge by Batman, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. The rapper devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match.

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. The plumber embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional. Mario goes for the slide but his timing is absolutely shocking. Ends up face down, all alone. Donald Trump pays the ultimate price! He hauls down the attacker as the last man. Red card, ten men now.

Corner from Luigi, header from Nick DiGiovanni at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored. Driven kick from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to Harry Potter, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Lightning overlap from Harry Potter, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. The quidditch player gets to the byline and floats one in for Luigi. Crossing is his bread and butter.

1-1 and off we go. Luigi hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Donald Trump does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?'. The answer was of course Watford Gap, for its outstanding performance in the category of Sustained Disappointment. Maureen wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Cristiano Ronaldo collects from Luigi on the short corner, the combination could hurt them. Cristiano Ronaldo drills a low ball back across the face of goal, Harry Potter is free inside the eighteen-yard box. The quidditch player prods the ball into the net with the tip of his boot! GOAL! In that position, that nose for goal makes you indispensable.

The investor reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Devastating burst of pace from Mario, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

One touch football: Nick DiGiovanni to Lionel Messi, faster than the opposition can think. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. IShowSpeed rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Donald Trump. The far side is completely deserted.

It was bound to happen. Lagos No-Carry-Last score and honestly, we deserved that.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Nick DiGiovanni plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Acrobatic flick from Mario to control, the touch is sumptuous. This is entertainment. The plumber overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Mario crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Nick DiGiovanni is there to meet it. COME ON Nick DiGiovanni rises and thumps his header! But it goes wide of the post, infuriating. The film producer finds Cristiano Ronaldo with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Kareem Abdul-Jabbar takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Batman accidentally went live on Instagram while singing Spice Girls in the bath. The clip hit 2 million views before the 28-year-old even noticed — Mel B reportedly sent a thumbs up. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Nick DiGiovanni wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

The corner from the cook is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. Cristiano Ronaldo pings a long diagonal to Mario, completely shifts the point of attack.

PENALTY! The plumber is brought down in the box! In that position, when you burst into the area like that and win a penalty, you change the COURSE of the match. DECISIVE moment. Penalty missed! Luigi sends the ball way off target. It's a disaster for his team.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. WHAT A SAVE from the film producer! Foot extended, ball pushed away. That kind of keeper wins you three points all on his own. Tidy restart from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar along the deck to Mario, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. The plumber switches the play to IShowSpeed, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Overlap from the rapper with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

The plumber spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for IShowSpeed. That is exactly why he is out there. Offside against the rapper, who mistimed his run on Cristiano Ronaldo's pass. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Luigi slips Donald Trump in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Smooth transition from IShowSpeed to Lionel Messi, no delay, the game keeps flowing. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. The cook winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming.

Full time and it's level. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. IShowSpeed grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-2 (L)

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Full moonwalk from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Lionel Messi does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Lionel Messi cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. GOOOOL from Lionel Messi! Massive right-footed strike from 27 yards, the ball almost rips the net off, GOOOAL!

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Lionel Messi, arms out like an aeroplane. Nick DiGiovanni follows in like he's skiing. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

It's a goal! Barranquilla Toque-Toque go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Cristiano Ronaldo leaps over him. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. GOOOOAL from the middle schooler! He curls it like a master and beats the keeper. In that position, when you have that composure in front of goal, you are decisive.

The pile at the corner flag. Gumball Watterson is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Mario launches it to Batman on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Batman wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Quick exchange between Batman and Nick DiGiovanni, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Cristiano Ronaldo. "That is your job. 41 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. Club physios had to confiscate Lionel Messi's PlayStation after the 39-year-old stayed up until 4am playing FIFA and turned up to training in his slippers. At 169, he was sleepwalking through drills. And now, our TV game show Escape to the Country Lane! To win directions to a village with no phone signal, text 0800RURAL and answer: 'How far from the nearest Tesco Express must you live before it counts as the countryside?' They are back. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

They step up on every carrier, the opposition is absolutely smothered. The quidditch player catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. Free kick from Harry Potter goes high and handsome, over the bar and out for a goal kick.

We all thought that was over but Batman comes steaming back from the other end of the pitch to clear the danger. Batman fouls early to prevent the fast break. Classic dark arts of defending. The ref reaches for his pocket. Batman is booked for deliberately hauling down the attacker on the break. Batman goes for a direct free kick but it's blocked by the wall. Well positioned. Gumball Watterson sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw.

Gumball Watterson puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery! Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. Mario explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening.

Cut-back along the turf from the middle schooler for Lionel Messi. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. MISSSSED! Lionel Messi alone in front of goal on the service from Mario and it goes wide. The bench has heads in hands. The film producer throws it out to Donald Trump, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

Gumball Watterson sends an aerial beauty to Luigi, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Luigi puts the ball right into the mixer, Mario arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. Enormous leap from the plumber who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy.

Luigi hounds the goalkeeper on his distribution and wins the ball on the edge of the box. Audacity rewarded. Luigi eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Luigi slides it to Cristiano Ronaldo, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar finds Luigi with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Pass into no-man's land from Luigi, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Cristiano Ronaldo plays it into the channel for Lionel Messi, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Lionel Messi lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating.

Draw. IShowSpeed sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Batman waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. Hilary from Surrey says at least three miles from a Tesco Express and you need at least one cow visible from the window. Directions for Hilary! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

Monster press from Cristiano Ronaldo! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe. Incredible solo run from Cristiano Ronaldo, he goes coast to coast with the ball, the opposition can only watch. GOOOAL! Cristiano Ronaldo sends a SUMPTUOUS lob over the goalkeeper! The ball makes a perfect parabola and drops into the goal. Technical MASTERPIECE!

Mario whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post. Gumball Watterson reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Short pass from the middle schooler to Harry Potter, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Lionel Messi reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Lionel Messi launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Batman, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Pinpoint delivery from the superhero towards Luigi, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Luigi powers his header, the ball rockets over the crossbar. It was that close.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Firm pass from Mario into IShowSpeed, right into the boots. No waste.

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. IShowSpeed takes a knee behind him. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. And you, Luigi. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. The 28-year-old Luigi adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while Luigi trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 2244 and answer this question: 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Lionel Messi sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

The quidditch player reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Nick DiGiovanni powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Nick DiGiovanni gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Mario.

The plumber lays it off first time to Batman, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Textbook one-two between Batman and Lionel Messi. The ball goes, comes back, and the defence is beaten. Pure football. The superhero is caught offside from Donald Trump's through ball. Flag goes up. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar goes long for IShowSpeed, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Magnificent reading of the game from IShowSpeed, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar fires it out quickly by hand to Luigi, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Aerial duel lost by Luigi, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. Batman heads it and sends the ball skimming the crossbar. Over but it was nearly perfect.

Mario whips in a cross at head height, Donald Trump anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. OHHH the volley attempt from Donald Trump! It's pure, it's clean, but it doesn't go in. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Lionel Messi after a fifty-yard flight. Old school.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar throws it out quickly to Cristiano Ronaldo, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Cristiano Ronaldo hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Foul by Cristiano Ronaldo on the opponent, clips him from behind. Free kick. Yellow card. Cristiano Ronaldo racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. The referee's whistle goes against Lionel Messi, caught the opponent late. The referee has lost patience, yellow card for Lionel Messi. Foul after foul after foul. Lionel Messi tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The film producer goes long for Nick DiGiovanni, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

Draw. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Lionel Messi waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?'. The answer was of course 27 million, and that number doubles during any form of national crisis or EastEnders cliffhanger. Norman wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-1 (W)

Oh no, it's in! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Nick DiGiovanni slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Decisive glance from Harry Potter who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. What PRESENCE from Cristiano Ronaldo in the box! He toes the ball into the net. PURE OPPORTUNIST'S GOAL!

Full moonwalk from Harry Potter, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. GOOOOAL for Cristiano Ronaldo! He plays Mario in, gets it back and places his shot to the keeper's wrong side!

Knee slide from Cristiano Ronaldo right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar does the same down the line. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Donald Trump clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere.

Nick DiGiovanni sends the free kick in front of goal, Mario leaps to try the header. Ball claimed by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on the cross, total authority in his box. Harry Potter shifts it to Donald Trump with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Donald Trump puts IShowSpeed into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. The rapper strays just offside on Nick DiGiovanni's pass, the linesman raises his flag. Brutal.

Donald Trump is FaceTiming {his} mum to tell her about the goal. The gaffer walks past: "Tell her she raised a good one." The dressing room cracks up. IShowSpeed leans in and waves at the camera. It is all smiles and good vibes in here. The kind of halftime where you do not want to change a thing. Club sources confirm Cristiano Ronaldo has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 41, the 185-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 0001 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of regret?' The second period begins and Mario launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

The film producer finds Harry Potter with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. The quidditch player roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Harry Potter chips his ball over the centre-backs for Batman, the timing is absolutely perfect.

Suffocating pressure, defenders can't get out of their own half. Oh no Cristiano Ronaldo! Header in the six-yard box but it goes over! The cross from Gumball Watterson deserved better. Short restart from the film producer to Harry Potter, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

Interception from Harry Potter right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Brilliant switch of play from Harry Potter! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Donald Trump. Donald Trump clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Batman gets across the near post first. The superhero thumps his header wide of the post. In that position, chances like that do not come around often, shame about the accuracy.

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Sublime through ball from IShowSpeed for Nick DiGiovanni who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. Offside called against Nick DiGiovanni. He'll be kicking himself, the ball from Mario was perfect.

Free kick conceded by the superhero, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. The wall is impenetrable! Batman's free kick is blocked straight away. Catastrophic corner from Cristiano Ronaldo, straight into a goal kick, the crowd groans.

Lionel Messi lays it off first time to Donald Trump, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Donald Trump finds the gap and serves Luigi in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Luigi lets rip and sends it to the moon. No other way to describe that.

Massive win over Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! Batman is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Donald Trump pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the boiling point of regret?'. The answer was of course 73 degrees, which is the exact temperature of a bath you ran two hours ago. Valerie wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-2 (L)

IShowSpeed pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Free kick from IShowSpeed curled into the area, Luigi attacks it with a header. Luigi lets his AERIAL GAME do the talking! On the cross from Nick DiGiovanni, he scores with his head with crazy authority. GOAL!

IShowSpeed runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Mario joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Driven cross from Mario into the box, Donald Trump arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. The investor scores an own goal! Nooooo! In that position, this is the kind of thing that destroys your confidence for WEEKS. He tried to anticipate, he ended up beating his own keeper.

Knee slide from Mario right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Donald Trump does the same down the line. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Corner from Mario, it drops in the six-yard box, CHAOS! A defender wellies it clear! Gumball Watterson goes for it and BAAANG! On target! But the keeper sticks out a firm hand and pushes it for a corner.

The superhero boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar lumps it long towards Luigi, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. With one swing of the boot, Luigi finds IShowSpeed on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Brilliant opening from IShowSpeed for Batman, frees up the entire left flank. The superhero unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon.

GOAAAL for Rio Malandro FC! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Donald Trump stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Rio Malandro FC. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Lionel Messi cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Now I've been told — and I can barely say this with a straight face — that Mario has a loyalty card at his local dodgy kebab shop. Thirteen stamps and you get a free doner. He's on stamp eleven and says the Champions League can wait. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4321 and answer this question: 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Batman leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Corner from Nick DiGiovanni well taken but the defence does its job, cleared comfortably. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Acceleration from Cristiano Ronaldo down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Failed dribble from Cristiano Ronaldo, he tried to do too much and the defender capitalises. What positioning from Nick DiGiovanni! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Backpass from Mario goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it.

Lionel Messi boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Donald Trump goes crossfield to Nick DiGiovanni, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Nick DiGiovanni puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. The cross from the cook ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar catapults the ball towards Donald Trump from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot.

They've scored again! Rio Malandro FC are running riot and we can't cope.

What a block! Lionel Messi slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Rapid combination: Lionel Messi to Mario, the ball barely touches the grass between them. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The film producer throws it out to Batman, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Lovely anticipation from the superhero who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal.

Batman threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Luigi bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar dives at the attacker's feet and gathers! One-on-one WON by the keeper! Short restart from the film producer to Donald Trump, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

Level. IShowSpeed picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Harry Potter waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?'. The answer was of course 12 mph, though nobody has ever managed more than 3. Maureen wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-2 (L)

And it's a goal! Istanbul Cehennem FK punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Gumball Watterson gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Gumball Watterson gives it quickly to Cristiano Ronaldo on the short corner, they want to catch the defense off guard. Cristiano Ronaldo reaches the byline and pulls it back for Mario, the low ball fizzes through the area. GOOOAL from Mario! The ball is loose after a scramble, he has the presence of mind to prod it into the empty net. GOAL!

Solidarity move: Gumball Watterson grabs Mario who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Mario a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. Gumball Watterson spots the run from Luigi and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Delicate lob from Luigi, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Lionel Messi to Donald Trump, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Aerial duel won by the investor, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Donald Trump absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. Batman launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Batman was flying. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball.

The film producer throws it out to Lionel Messi, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Lionel Messi switches the play to Luigi on the far side, superb crossfield ball! The plumber rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Almighty boot from Luigi who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe.

Donald Trump paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Donald Trump exhales and sits. Dietitians have given up on Luigi, who eats a chip butty with gravy before every home game. At 28 years old, the Northerner insists it's 'proper fuel' and the nutritional data 'doesn't apply up here.' And now, our TV game show The One Show Nobody Asked For! To win a cushion from a John Lewis display, text 5345 and answer: 'How many throw cushions is too many throw cushions on a sofa?' IShowSpeed trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Luigi pings a ridiculous diagonal to Gumball Watterson. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Gumball Watterson aims for Harry Potter but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. Lifesaving clearance from Cristiano Ronaldo! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Superb diagonal from the investor to Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

Monster clearance from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Luigi. Brilliant interception from Luigi, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Little shift from Luigi to Harry Potter, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Short build-up from Harry Potter to Cristiano Ronaldo, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Short restart from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to Harry Potter, building from the back nice and tidy. Harry Potter looks up and launches a long pass towards IShowSpeed. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Error from the rapper, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. The rapper hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

GOAL for Istanbul Cehennem FK! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Heroic defending, every ball is swept up with proper concentration. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Overlap from the plumber with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Mario bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Harry Potter wins the aerial battle. Harry Potter crosses but it is a poor delivery, it goes three yards wide of Lionel Messi.

Raking ball from the plumber to Cristiano Ronaldo, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Cristiano Ronaldo puts Nick DiGiovanni in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. Nick DiGiovanni fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Harry Potter throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box.

Shirt tug from Luigi, the material is stretching, the ref sees it all! The plumber is booked for a professional foul. Players in that position know exactly when to stop the play. Free kick from Luigi looped in, the ball is dropped onto Cristiano Ronaldo at the penalty spot. OHHH the header from Cristiano Ronaldo! It goes just right of the post, the keeper was beaten! Beautiful distribution from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to IShowSpeed, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

Level at the final whistle. Batman and Donald Trump walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. Brian from Coventry says anything above four cushions is an act of aggression against anyone trying to sit down. John Lewis cushion for Brian! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

Short corner from Nick DiGiovanni, Luigi comes back to lay it off, they're looking for a fresh angle. Low cut-back from Luigi, IShowSpeed arrives at pace and can hit it first time. IShowSpeed hangs around the box like a vulture! And BAM, he turns the smallest scrap into a goal. GOAL!

Nick DiGiovanni weaves through Milano Piano-Piano's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Lionel Messi screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Gumball Watterson plays the simple ball to Batman, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Batman finds Cristiano Ronaldo between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. What a ball from Cristiano Ronaldo! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Lionel Messi is away on his own. That is velvet. Burst of pace from Lionel Messi on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed.

IShowSpeed accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! VAR would have a field day with that. IShowSpeed clearly dives, no contact whatsoever. That's a yellow for IShowSpeed, absolutely pathetic attempt to win a free kick. Free kick from IShowSpeed delivered with pace, Cristiano Ronaldo finds himself in space at the far post.

Nick DiGiovanni plays the corner back to IShowSpeed, they take care to keep possession. Cut-back from IShowSpeed, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Nick DiGiovanni. That is UNFORGIVAAAABLE! Nick DiGiovanni had the goal wide open thanks to Gumball Watterson and he has completely missed it.

Lovely anticipation from the quidditch player who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Overlap from the plumber with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. Mario, you go left. Luigi, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. You won't believe this, but Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has been collecting Tesco Clubcard points since he was fourteen years old. Word in the dressing room is he's sitting on over two million points and still won't spend them. Saving up for a caravan in Skegness, apparently. And now, our TV game show Richard and Judy's Revenge! To win a book club pick nobody actually read, text 4789 and answer: 'What percentage of book club members actually finish the book?' Right then, part two. Cristiano Ronaldo adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Complete suffocation, the opposition can't get past the halfway line. Batman sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Batman opens up to Donald Trump on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Donald Trump launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever.

GOAAAL! Milano Piano-Piano make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Instead of whipping it in, Gumball Watterson plays short to Batman, they want to build it up. Great overlap from Batman down the flank, pinpoint cross for Luigi in the area. This is the moment. Luigi crosses into thin air, nobody at the end of it. That is a waste of possession.

Short restart from the film producer to Gumball Watterson, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Gumball Watterson charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Gumball Watterson chips an aerial cross over the centre-halves, IShowSpeed is under the dropping ball.

Long ball from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar for Luigi who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Inch-perfect tackle by Luigi, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. The plumber spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Gumball Watterson. That is exactly why he is out there. Crucial intervention from the middle schooler, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on.

Clearance from Lionel Messi under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Nick DiGiovanni wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance. Nick DiGiovanni bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Good ball from Nick DiGiovanni to Batman, playing it quick between the lines.

Draw. IShowSpeed takes the time to shake every Milano Piano-Piano player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Donald Trump follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. Christine from Eastbourne says roughly twelve percent finish the book and the rest just say it was quite good actually. Book club pick for Christine! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

And it's in! Sevilla Olé-Olé take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

They're turning the screw here, wave after wave of attack. The timing is everything: Mario releases the ball at the perfect moment and Lionel Messi explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. GOOOOAL from Lionel Messi! On the inswinging cross from Nick DiGiovanni, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Nick DiGiovanni floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear. The middle schooler opens up to Donald Trump on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Donald Trump charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Failed dribble from Donald Trump, the ball stays at the defender's feet. Poor decision. Huge interception from Harry Potter! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match.

The plumber shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Cristiano Ronaldo. Pure quality, as per usual. Cross from Cristiano Ronaldo off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Gumball Watterson at the far side. The cross from Gumball Watterson does not find a single teammate, the keeper claims it without fuss. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end.

Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Nick DiGiovanni goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sends an absolute rocket towards IShowSpeed, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Quick one-two between IShowSpeed and Luigi, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar stares at the floor. IShowSpeed cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. Planning records show Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's neighbours filed a noise complaint after the 79-year-old installed a full-size goal in the back garden and practised penalties at half six in the morning. The fence has never recovered. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Luigi high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar plays out from the back with Donald Trump, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Superb diagonal from the investor to Nick DiGiovanni, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Nick DiGiovanni nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy.

Luigi goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Luigi just won it. Luigi winds up and fires... into another dimension. The keeper didn't even blink. Quick throw from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to IShowSpeed out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go.

The rapper shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Lionel Messi. Pure quality, as per usual. Right-footed cross from Lionel Messi, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Gumball Watterson. Gumball Watterson sends his cross in but the defender shuts the door at the near post. Emergency clearance from IShowSpeed, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Nick DiGiovanni anticipates the run from Mario and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection.

Oh dear oh dear! Sevilla Olé-Olé score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Cristiano Ronaldo plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Sideways ball from Donald Trump to Nick DiGiovanni, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Nick DiGiovanni plays it simple to Lionel Messi, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Lionel Messi floats it into the gap for Donald Trump, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot. Nutmeg from the investor on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. Donald Trump slides it to Nick DiGiovanni, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Short distribution from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to Lionel Messi, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Lionel Messi springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference. Lionel Messi lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Luigi wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Lionel Messi. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Luigi thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work.

Painful afternoon. Donald Trump and Lionel Messi walk side by side toward the tunnel, neither saying a word. Their studs echo on the concrete. Somewhere behind them, Sevilla Olé-Olé's lot are singing. It carries down the corridor. Sounds get louder when you've lost. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-2 (L)

Free kick swung in by Gumball Watterson, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Lionel Messi is lurking. Oh what a howler from Lionel Messi! Own goal! He completely messes up his intervention on the cross from Cristiano Ronaldo and smashes the ball into his own net. The kind of thing that DESTROYS you mentally.

Gumball Watterson finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar smashes a volley towards Nick DiGiovanni, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. The cook roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Nick DiGiovanni barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. Nick DiGiovanni is booked for repeated fouls. Should have come five minutes ago, honestly.

Batman sets it for Mario, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Ball in behind from the plumber, Harry Potter is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Harry Potter powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. The quidditch player whips in a classic cross for Luigi in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Oh the keeper comes out and misses Luigi's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away!

Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. The plumber lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. Massive punt from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, sends the ball sixty yards, Mario is scrapping for it up top. Blistering run from Mario on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up.

Close but no cigar! Lionel Messi gets a toe to the ball but can't stop the attacker from getting through. The ball slips through Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's gloves, parried into the middle! It is chaos in front of goal! Massive clearance from the middle schooler under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, you have barely touched the ball. Mario, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Inside info here — Nick DiGiovanni insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 30, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3030 and answer this question: 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Cristiano Ronaldo squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Iron defense, every ball cleared with authority. Clinical interception from Donald Trump, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three.

GOAAAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Cristiano Ronaldo changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Donald Trump. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. The investor gets to the byline and floats one in for Gumball Watterson. Crossing is his bread and butter. Gumball Watterson beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss.

Lionel Messi gifts Luigi a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Oh my word Luigi fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. The film producer finds Luigi with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Luigi rolls it to Lionel Messi, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Fantastic high recovery from Lionel Messi, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. The plumber pulls it back along the ground for Cristiano Ronaldo. The low cut-back is his trademark. Blocked shot from Cristiano Ronaldo! The defender sacrificed himself to get in the way. Hat's off to him. The cross from Batman is deflected off a defender's foot. Corner to the attacking side. Short restart from the film producer to Nick DiGiovanni, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

GOAL for München Ordnung-Muss-Sein! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Gumball Watterson tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Complete uncertainty in the stadium, VAR has been called in, nobody is breathing. We thought the ref would let it go, but VAR steps in — penalty for Gumball Watterson! SAVED BY THE KEEPER! Mario's penalty is pushed away, what courage from the goalkeeper! Long kick from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Nick DiGiovanni positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Lost it. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Mario hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?'. The answer was of course 2,400 if written in capitals, or 1,200 if you use passive aggression. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

It's in! London Three-Pints take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Raw emotion: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Luigi crouches beside him and speaks softly. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. IShowSpeed lobs the keeper with DISCONCERTING ease! A little dink with the right foot, the ball sails over the keeper and lands in the net. GOAL of WORLD CLASS quality!

IShowSpeed legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Lionel Messi tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Donald Trump drops a lofted ball to Cristiano Ronaldo, it sails over the entire midfield line. Cristiano Ronaldo is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar bursts off his line and gathers the cross with both hands. Boss-level take, total command. The film producer finds Mario with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. The plumber switches the play to Lionel Messi, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

The attacker goes past Batman who reaches out and grabs the jersey, foul! The superhero picks up a yellow for a tactical foul — at that position, you learn when to take one for the team. Batman sends a wicked free kick into the area, Donald Trump is lurking with intent. Header from the investor, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar rolls it short to Harry Potter into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. Gumball Watterson, you go left. Donald Trump, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. A wonderful anecdote — Donald Trump once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 80 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Luigi is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Switch from Luigi! The ball arcs over the midfield and Donald Trump collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Donald Trump takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race.

The free kick from Luigi lands right on Nick DiGiovanni in the heart of the box. What a delivery! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gathers the cross with both hands above the scrum. The keeper is the supreme authority in his box. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Harry Potter! Long ball that catches everyone off guard.

The quidditch player refuses to give in and sprints all the way back to prevent the goal. In that position, that kind of spirit is absolutely priceless. The quidditch player commits the professional foul. Players in that role know exactly when to stop the play. Harry Potter is cautioned for deliberately blocking the runner's path. Intelligent but ugly. Harry Potter strikes the free kick and the wall rises in front of it. No way through. The rapper puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs.

The quidditch player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Gumball Watterson. Pure quality, as per usual. Gumball Watterson looks for Nick DiGiovanni but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in. Emergency clearance from the rapper, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Massive diagonal from Nick DiGiovanni! Donald Trump receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar plays it short to Gumball Watterson, building out from the back. Calculated risk. That is a tackle of the highest order from Gumball Watterson. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Short build-up from Gumball Watterson to Batman, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. SHOOOOT from Batman... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

Harry Potter boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. The investor finds Cristiano Ronaldo in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. Turnover from Cristiano Ronaldo, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence.

Level score. Gumball Watterson screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.