My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jesus Christ on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. King Kong is on this team. King Kong, who is an amateur and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with bare hands under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
78-122 (L)
Tip-off! King Kong gets us started! Let's go!
Sean Combs clanks another one off the rim! This headliner needs to find rhythm!
Sean Combs with the backcourt violation! A philanthropist going backwards with the game!
Jesus Christ gets screened out! Stuck behind their bare hands like it's a wall!
Jesus Christ mouths off on a strategic timeout! A messiah venting about the game!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ flops into the first available chair. Little secret: Jesus Christ has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Jesus Christ, this all-time great, with a contested reverse layup that misses under the basket!
Sean Combs is running on fumes! The philanthropist tank is completely empty!
King Kong with the lazy pass! Occasional mental lapses leading to easy points!
King Kong pulls up and kicks the stanchion! This established star losing composure!
This reliable star King Kong stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this reliable star wanted.
Jesus Christ bites his lip, fists clenched. King Kong shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
81-125 (L)
Opening possession for Jesus Christ! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
Off the mark for Donald Trump! Great investor, not so great at basketball tonight!
Jesus Christ dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a messiah like that!
Jesus Christ bites on the fake! Fooled like a messiah by counterfeit the game!
Sean Combs shakes their head! A philanthropist who can't believe that just happened!
Intermission. Jesus Christ dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Did you know? Jesus Christ has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Sean Combs shoots but the shot rims out! Shaky emotions under pressure rears its ugly head!
Donald Trump is huffing and puffing! Winded, even an investor would call it quits!
This jersey-selling name Sean Combs loses concentration and the ball with it!
Jesus Christ vents at their teammates! The messiah who vents about the game!
Donald Trump dishes past the media. This undisputed superstar not in the mood to talk.
Donald Trump replays the score in his head on a loop. Sean Combs tries to think about something else. I learned tonight that Donald Trump used to be an investor. That explains the unique running style. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
73-117 (L)
The game begins and King Kong is ready! You can see scary good handles written all over his face!
Sean Combs launches and misses! The rock isn't the game, and it shows!
Hulk Hogan with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost wrestler!
Hulk Hogan falls asleep on the weak side! Tendency to force bad shots exposed!
Hulk Hogan tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the wrestler will bounce back!
Halftime. King Kong is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Intel: King Kong asked Orlando Magic-Beans for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Jesus Christ sends it wide! Their bare hands wouldn't forgive that either!
Jesus Christ misses from fatigue! Tired arms from competing the game all week!
Hulk Hogan commits the live-ball turnover! The rosin bag would be ashamed!
This undisputed superstar Donald Trump shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Hulk Hogan walks off in defeat! Even a wrestler's skills couldn't save tonight!
King Kong replays the score in his head on a loop. Donald Trump tries to think about something else. I learned backstage that Donald Trump also does investor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
93-122 (L)
This headliner King Kong means business! Fast start from downtown!
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stuffed trying a half-court heave! Denied!
King Kong coughs up the basketball! Ego the size of Texas strikes again in transition!
Sean Combs, this versatile guy, gets dunked on from downtown! Poster material!
Jesus Christ with the step-back buzzer beater! Creating space like a messiah with their bare hands!
Halftime. Donald Trump is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Donald Trump threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Hulk Hogan picks up the second technical! This All-Star caliber talent ejected! Heavy feet!
Jesus Christ bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Hulk Hogan adapts to the coverage! Adaptive as a wrestler with the mat canvas!
Sean Combs is running on pure willpower! This franchise guy refusing to quit!
Jesus Christ tips the cap to the winners! The messiah's grace with the game!
Donald Trump stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Jesus Christ exhales. Again. And again. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
89-134 (L)
King Kong fires up the crowd to open the game! This franchise guy starting strong!
Air ball from Donald Trump! Being an investor doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Donald Trump, this tweener, fumbles the entry pass in the paint!
Sean Combs gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
Sean Combs slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a philanthropist hits the workbench!
Off to the locker room. Sean Combs has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote: Sean Combs tried to impress the Phoenix No-Defense players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Donald Trump misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
This franchise guy Hulk Hogan has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
King Kong throws it into the stands! What was that from this elite player!
Hulk Hogan looks to the heavens! A wrestler praying for the rosin bag to work!
Donald Trump had the chances but couldn't convert. This guy with rings on every finger left wanting.
Donald Trump hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Sean Combs keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
79-123 (L)
Hulk Hogan, this multi-time All-Star, draws first blood! A floater to start!
King Kong misses the open look! This certified bucket can't believe it! Tendency to force bad shots!
Hulk Hogan throws it away! A pass worse than a wrestler tossing the mat canvas!
This established star King Kong bites on the fake! Beaten from mid-range!
Jesus Christ sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a messiah after a long shift!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Sean Combs asks for an ice pack. Intel: Sean Combs asked Los Angeles Nursing-Home for their energy drink recipe. They refused. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
This established star Hulk Hogan muscles up a floater but can't get it to fall!
Jesus Christ bends over during the dead ball! This potential GOAT gathering what's left!
Hulk Hogan gets picked! A wrestler getting the mat canvas stolen in broad daylight!
Jesus Christ slams the Spalding in frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Jesus Christ wipes a tear! A messiah who poured everything into the effort!
King Kong's eyes are red, jaw tight. Hulk Hogan apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
73-118 (L)
Hulk Hogan steps onto the arena! From slamming the mat canvas to this, game time!
King Kong fires a catch-and-shoot triple from the left corner but can't connect! Limited stamina showing!
Jesus Christ pulls up into a trap! Heavy feet when reading the defense!
Sean Combs reacts too late to rotate! Ego the size of Texas on the help side!
This multi-time All-Star King Kong gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
That's a wrap for now. Jesus Christ dives into the tunnel. Locker room anecdote: Jesus Christ talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Hulk Hogan, this solid build, can't finish from downtown! That one stings!
Hulk Hogan labors up the court! Trudging like a wrestler dragging the mat canvas!
Turnover by Jesus Christ! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Hulk Hogan fades away angrily after the turnover! This jersey-selling name spiraling!
Donald Trump walks off in silence. This once-in-a-lifetime player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Donald Trump's eyes are glassy. Sean Combs mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
75-120 (L)
Sean Combs checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Sean Combs can't convert! The philanthropist's touch with the game deserted them!
Sean Combs forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Hulk Hogan gets burned on the drive! Heavy feet in lateral movement!
Sean Combs can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the orange frustration!
Coach calls everyone back. Donald Trump drags his feet toward the tunnel. Quick anecdote about Donald Trump: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Donald Trump, this do-it-all player, loses the handle and the opportunity! Injury-prone body!
This elite player Sean Combs calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Limited stamina taking its toll!
Donald Trump with the careless pass! Bankrolling the next venture with more care, please!
King Kong fires away the towel! This big-name player showing occasional mental lapses!
This All-Star caliber talent Sean Combs congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this All-Star caliber talent.
Jesus Christ punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. King Kong slides down the wall to the floor. Behind the scenes, I learned King Kong was also an investor in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
80-124 (L)
Game time! Donald Trump and this once-in-a-lifetime player ready to put on a show at the field house!
Donald Trump skips it off the rim! The next venture has better hop than that!
Sean Combs passes to nobody! This All-Star caliber talent with a head-scratching decision!
Sean Combs gets posterized! A philanthropist framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
Jesus Christ argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Time to breathe. Hulk Hogan has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Rumor has it Hulk Hogan talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Sean Combs takes a tough step-back three and it doesn't go! Limited stamina in shot selection!
Sean Combs struggles in the extra period! The philanthropist hitting the wall with the game!
This certified GOAT candidate Donald Trump dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
This world-class player Hulk Hogan throws an elbow in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
Sean Combs sits alone on the bench. This franchise guy processing the defeat.
Hulk Hogan pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Donald Trump takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Evening confession: I'm wearing Hulk Hogan's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
76-121 (L)
Sean Combs steps back into position! This max-contract guy not wasting any time!
Jesus Christ can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The Spalding through the hoop, nope!
Hulk Hogan loses possession! The mat canvas never leaves a wrestler's hands like that!
Hulk Hogan bites on the pump fake! This max-contract guy sent flying driving to the hoop!
This certified GOAT candidate Donald Trump slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Break. Donald Trump collapses next to the vending machine. Fun fact: Donald Trump tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
A catch-and-shoot triple from Hulk Hogan goes in and out! Heartbreaking along the baseline!
King Kong, this top-tier talent, sucking wind after that sprint! The contest of battle!
Sean Combs turns it over at coming out of the locker room! A philanthropist dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
King Kong blows past away from the huddle! This bonafide star in a dark place mentally!
Jesus Christ takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad messiah day!
Donald Trump shakes Sean Combs's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
75-120 (L)
Donald Trump stretches center court! Loosening up, the investor is getting ready!
Donald Trump, this smooth operator, wastes a golden chance with a wild alley-oop!
Hulk Hogan, this all-around player, commits the travel! Heavy feet in the footwork!
Donald Trump loses their assignment! Like losing their portfolio ledger in the workshop!
Sean Combs kicks the air! The frustration of a philanthropist who knows they can do better!
Both teams head to the locker room. Donald Trump wipes his forehead with his jersey. Rumor has it Donald Trump tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
This franchise cornerstone Jesus Christ shanks a double-clutch layup from downtown! That's uncharacteristic!
Jesus Christ is spent! Used up like the game after a messiah's long day!
King Kong, this do-it-all player, steps out of bounds with the pill! Mental lapse!
Sean Combs drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a philanthropist's spirit has limits!
Jesus Christ fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the messiah gave everything!
Hulk Hogan is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Donald Trump waits at the tunnel entrance. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
88-132 (L)
Hulk Hogan locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a wrestler who means business!
Sean Combs just barely misses! Close as a philanthropist getting the game almost right!
King Kong throws it away! Occasional mental lapses under pressure facing the rim!
Hulk Hogan left in the dust! Even a wrestler moves faster than that!
Sean Combs mutters to himself walking back! This certified bucket fighting inner demons!
Break! Sean Combs has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Rumor has it Sean Combs has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Donald Trump shoots an air ball in a cathedral silence! An investor lost in the noise!
Sean Combs leans on their knees! Gassed, but the philanthropist keeps going!
Hulk Hogan, this solid build, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the left corner!
Sean Combs, this multi-time All-Star, barks at the teammate! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
Sean Combs, this solid build, trudges off the court. Lessons to take from this one.
Donald Trump pulls his cap down over his eyes. Sean Combs doesn't have a cap, and it shows. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Sean Combs. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
77-121 (L)
Donald Trump looks dialed in from the start! Silky smooth technique preparation showing!
King Kong, this top-tier talent, comes up empty! A fadeaway jumper off target at the buzzer!
Donald Trump throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the investor got too confident!
King Kong gives up the back door! Occasional mental lapses when overplaying!
Sean Combs walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Both teams head in. Donald Trump has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Did you know? Donald Trump launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
A step-back three by King Kong at half court is way off! Tough night for this elite player!
Jesus Christ gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a messiah begging the game for mercy!
This all-time great Donald Trump gets pickpocketed from downtown! Sloppy handling!
Sean Combs throws their hands up! Like a philanthropist when their bare hands breaks!
Hulk Hogan leaves the palace of hoops with dignity! The dignity of a wrestler with the rosin bag!
Donald Trump's lip is trembling. Sean Combs dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
80-125 (L)
Hulk Hogan huddles with the team! Huddling up, the wrestler strategizes!
Jesus Christ misses at after a timeout! A messiah dropping the game at the worst time!
Donald Trump with the errant pass! This potential GOAT needs to settle down!
Sean Combs gives up the easy bucket! Easier than competing the game!
This jersey-selling name Hulk Hogan fouls hard out of frustration! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Halftime whistle! King Kong slides down against the hallway wall. Fun fact: King Kong failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
This headliner King Kong puts up a tear drop but it won't fall! Off night!
Donald Trump is gassed! This first-ballot legend bent over at half court! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
Donald Trump botches the handoff! Even their portfolio ledger exchanges go smoother!
Hulk Hogan stares in disbelief! The look of a wrestler who just lost everything!
Donald Trump hangs their head! An investor who gave everything they had!
Sean Combs's gaze is cold, distant. King Kong's gaze is hot, angry. Tonight I learned Sean Combs used to be an investor before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
75-119 (L)
Donald Trump bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Donald Trump rushes a buzzer beater from downtown! Injury-prone body creeping in!
King Kong shoots carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Donald Trump overcommits and gets beat! Sometimes predictable game when reading the play!
Donald Trump pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The investor in them is showing!
Halftime! Hulk Hogan walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Did you know? Hulk Hogan once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Hulk Hogan whiffs on the jumper! A wrestler off their game with the rosin bag!
Sean Combs gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from competing the game and hooping!
Sloppy handling by Jesus Christ! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Donald Trump waves off the play! The authority of an investor in that gesture!
Despite the loss, Jesus Christ held their own with the game! The messiah fought!
Sean Combs mutters 'damn' under his breath. Hulk Hogan says 'yeah' in the same tone. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season journal
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