My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Hakeem Olajuwon. Standing at 213 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Erling Haaland. An association football player in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their football boots better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Erling Haaland has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the winning goal and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. The budget is like the guy who goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, orders one entree and splits the dessert. It's not poverty, but it's not the high life either. They've got a decent roster, nobody's complaining, but nobody's saying "damn, what a squad" either. Solid without being spectacular. The kind of team that beats you on a Tuesday and you've forgotten about them by Wednesday morning. But underestimate them and they'll make you pay.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
80-124 (L)
This All-Star caliber talent Hakeem Olajuwon comes out firing! A layup in the first minute!
J. Cole, this hooper's hooper, sends the Spalding wide! The touch is off tonight!
Hakeem Olajuwon charges right into the defender! Turnover! Hot head when controlling pace!
J. Cole gets crossed over! This hooper's hooper left frozen driving to the hoop!
Spider-Man throws their hands up! Like a superhero when their bare hands breaks!
Halftime! Aaron Donald is limping slightly heading off the court. Did you know Aaron Donald keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Hakeem Olajuwon fires a step-back three from downtown but can't connect! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Hakeem Olajuwon, this big-name player, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Hakeem Olajuwon throws it away! Sometimes predictable game under pressure facing the rim!
Erling Haaland tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the association football player will bounce back!
Spider-Man leaves the palace of hoops quietly! Quiet as a superhero after the game setback!
J. Cole rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Erling Haaland picks up his own and folds it carefully. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
101-115 (L)
This next-level player J. Cole in the starting lineup! Let's see what this next-level player brings!
J. Cole, this tweener, gets stuffed trying a two-handed slam! Denied!
This unknown gem Aaron Donald forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Erling Haaland gets blown by! Even an association football player couldn't stop that!
Hakeem Olajuwon strings together a buzzer-beater in the paint. Silky smooth technique on full display!
Halftime! Hakeem Olajuwon walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Anecdote: Hakeem Olajuwon slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Erling Haaland mouths off during crunch time! An association football player venting about the winning goal!
Erling Haaland shoots an air ball in a sold-out gym on fire! An association football player lost in the noise!
Spider-Man directs traffic on the field house! Traffic control by a superhero with the game!
This raw talent Aaron Donald calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Tendency to rush taking its toll!
J. Cole posts up to the tunnel in disappointment. This legit talent will learn from this.
Aaron Donald has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Erling Haaland has aged ten years in forty minutes. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
91-103 (L)
This max-contract guy Hakeem Olajuwon comes out aggressive! Opens with a pull-up jumper facing the rim!
Spider-Man sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this superhero!
Aaron Donald coughs up the Spalding! Sometimes predictable game strikes again in the paint!
Aaron Donald overcommits and gets beat! Defense that's basically a suggestion when reading the play!
A thunderous slam by J. Cole on the low block! Nerves of steel in every fiber!
Halftime. Hakeem Olajuwon throws his towel on the floor walking in. Little scoop: Hakeem Olajuwon tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Hakeem Olajuwon, this mountain of a man, waves off the play call! Sometimes predictable game hurting the team!
Hakeem Olajuwon rushes a buzzer-beater from the left corner! Shaky emotions under pressure creeping in!
Spider-Man finds the angle! The angle superhero uses for the game!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Spider-Man signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Heavy feet!
J. Cole, this swiss-army-knife type, trudges off the den. Lessons to take from this one.
Hakeem Olajuwon isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Aaron Donald tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
105-112 (L)
Erling Haaland lands the first reverse layup! First blood! The association football player strikes first!
J. Cole, this solid build, can't finish facing the rim! That one stings!
This league veteran J. Cole commits the offensive foul! Turnover on the low block!
J. Cole lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this player on the come-up fooled!
J. Cole, this solid pro, reads the play perfectly and delivers a catch-and-shoot triple!
Halftime whistle. Aaron Donald has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Locker room anecdote: Aaron Donald talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
This potential GOAT Erling Haaland shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
A free throw attempt by J. Cole falls short! Limited stamina in the legs!
Aaron Donald, this newcomer, manages the clock beautifully in the third quarter!
Aaron Donald asks for the ball to slow the pace! This raw talent needs air!
This legit talent J. Cole congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this legit talent.
J. Cole stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Erling Haaland exhales. Again. And again. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
76-117 (L)
Spider-Man huddles with the team! Huddling up, the superhero strategizes!
This household name Spider-Man shanks a scoop layup from way beyond the arc! That's uncharacteristic!
Aaron Donald throws it into the stands! What was that from this surprise package!
Spider-Man gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
Erling Haaland, this household name, refuses to high-five! Ego the size of Texas hurting the chemistry!
The locker room fills up. J. Cole has already eaten three oranges. Fun fact: J. Cole tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Erling Haaland misses! Even an association football player can't fix that shot!
Aaron Donald, this do-it-all player, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
This undisputed superstar Erling Haaland commits the 5-second violation! Clock management sometimes predictable game!
Spider-Man storms to the bench! Heated! This superhero doesn't handle losing well!
Spider-Man sits alone on the bench. This basketball god processing the defeat.
Spider-Man turns back to look at the court one last time. J. Cole doesn't turn around. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
88-132 (L)
J. Cole, this swiss-army-knife type, takes the court! The wild stands is electric!
Hakeem Olajuwon shoots the rock into nothing! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display tonight!
J. Cole, this versatile guy, gets stripped in the paint! Tendency to force bad shots exposed!
Spider-Man caught flat-footed! Standing still, the superhero reflexes took a nap!
Aaron Donald mutters to himself walking back! This newcomer fighting inner demons!
Break. J. Cole collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Intel: J. Cole once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Aaron Donald rises up the leather but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Aaron Donald grabs the shorts! This unknown gem is running on fumes!
Erling Haaland loses the rock! An association football player would never be this careless!
Hakeem Olajuwon, this colossus, throws the hands up! Exasperated along the baseline!
Erling Haaland fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the association football player gave everything!
Hakeem Olajuwon hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Aaron Donald keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
84-126 (L)
Aaron Donald looks dialed in from the start! A gym-rat work ethic preparation showing!
Aaron Donald with the contested off-balance shot from the right corner! No good! Bad selection!
J. Cole loses the Spalding in traffic! This established player can't afford that!
Hakeem Olajuwon, this long boy, can't keep up with the speed! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Aaron Donald, this versatile guy, sits down hard on the bench! Ego the size of Texas written all over his face!
The players leave the court. J. Cole clings to the tunnel railing. Confession: J. Cole believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Aaron Donald steps back but overcooks it! Shaky emotions under pressure showing up again!
Aaron Donald, this do-it-all player, looks exhausted from downtown! The legs are gone!
Hakeem Olajuwon fires away into a trap! Tendency to rush when reading the defense!
Hakeem Olajuwon glares at the scoreboard! This franchise guy not happy with the situation!
This well-respected player J. Cole shakes hands and moves on. In the end, hot head proved costly.
Hakeem Olajuwon sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Erling Haaland winces. I learned backstage that Erling Haaland also does superhero on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
107-114 (L)
Hakeem Olajuwon, this towering presence, sets the tone immediately! Pure God-given talent from the jump!
Erling Haaland dishes but the shot rims out! Hot head rears its ugly head!
Erling Haaland trips up in the baseline! An association football player never trips at work... Right?
Erling Haaland gets caught flat-footed! This once-in-a-lifetime player beaten to the spot!
Aaron Donald goes coast to coast for a double-clutch layup! This hidden prospect is relentless!
The locker room. Erling Haaland sprawls out full-length on the bench. Small detail: Erling Haaland wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Hakeem Olajuwon crosses over the towel! This elite player showing heavy feet!
Spider-Man can't convert! The superhero's touch with the game deserted them!
This basketball god Spider-Man attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Aaron Donald, this newcomer, is dragging! The this ball game minutes taking their toll!
This solid pro J. Cole stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this solid pro wanted.
Aaron Donald rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Erling Haaland picks up his own and folds it carefully. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
103-118 (L)
Game time! J. Cole and this player making noise ready to put on a show at the temple of basketball!
Erling Haaland can't buy a bucket! Another miss on the low block! Frustrating!
Stolen from Erling Haaland! An association football player who let it slip through their fingers!
J. Cole gets burned on the drive! Injury-prone body in lateral movement!
J. Cole attacks in the paint and finishes with a tear drop! Too good!
The locker room. Spider-Man sprawls out full-length on the bench. Anecdote of the day: Spider-Man forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Spider-Man looks to the heavens! A superhero praying for their bare hands to work!
A euro-step from Hakeem Olajuwon catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Hakeem Olajuwon sets the screen at the perfect angle! This established star cerebral play!
Erling Haaland, this versatile guy, with tired legs in transition! Tendency to rush slowing this potential GOAT down!
Hakeem Olajuwon reflects on what could have been. Tendency to rush the difference tonight.
Spider-Man's eyes are red, jaw tight. J. Cole apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
77-122 (L)
Hakeem Olajuwon, this established star, draws first blood! A euro-step to start!
Aaron Donald, this all-around player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Heavy feet!
Aaron Donald with the errant pass! This rising star needs to settle down!
Aaron Donald falls asleep on the weak side! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
Erling Haaland sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like an association football player after a long shift!
Halftime! Aaron Donald is limping slightly heading off the court. Physio's confession: Aaron Donald purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Hakeem Olajuwon with a wild attempt! This guy everybody knows not finding the range tonight!
Spider-Man is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
Turnover by Erling Haaland! Scoring the winning goal requires less coordination, clearly!
Spider-Man can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the Spalding frustration!
This dude out of nowhere Aaron Donald tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Hakeem Olajuwon has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Spider-Man has aged ten years in forty minutes. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
82-127 (L)
The temple of basketball welcomes Spider-Man! The superhero with the game has arrived!
Spider-Man explodes but it's well off! Hot head under fatigue!
J. Cole explodes carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
This dude putting the league on notice J. Cole commits the and-one foul! Lack of consistency in positioning!
Aaron Donald storms to the bench! This rising star is visibly upset!
Halftime whistle! Aaron Donald slides down against the hallway wall. Intel: Aaron Donald once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Spider-Man fires and misses at the top of the key. Should have stuck with the game!
Erling Haaland bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like an association football player after their football boots overtime!
Hakeem Olajuwon, this long boy, commits the travel! Injury-prone body in the footwork!
Aaron Donald slams the ball in frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Aaron Donald had the chances but couldn't convert. This unknown gem left wanting.
J. Cole walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Hakeem Olajuwon speeds up. Wants it to be over. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
83-128 (L)
Tip-off! J. Cole gets us started! Let's go!
Hakeem Olajuwon, this All-Star caliber talent, fumbles the finish under the basket! Back to the drawing board!
Hakeem Olajuwon lets fly the basketball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this established star!
Hakeem Olajuwon, this colossus, fouls unnecessarily facing the rim! Injury-prone body!
J. Cole drops the head after another miss! Limited stamina sapping the confidence!
Break! Hakeem Olajuwon heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Fun fact: Hakeem Olajuwon tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Spider-Man can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The orange through the hoop, nope!
This player making noise J. Cole stumbles! The fatigue is real after the four quarters!
This world-class player Hakeem Olajuwon gets pickpocketed on the low block! Sloppy handling!
Spider-Man dribbles angrily after the turnover! This all-time great spiraling!
Aaron Donald, this dark horse, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
J. Cole shakes Spider-Man's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-126 (L)
Spider-Man bounces the rock pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Hakeem Olajuwon, this tree of a man, wastes a golden chance with a wild fadeaway jumper!
J. Cole with the lazy pass! Tendency to rush leading to easy points!
This guy with rings on every finger Spider-Man fouls reaching in! Defense that's basically a suggestion on defense!
Aaron Donald, this combo guard, shows negative body language! Limited stamina creeping in!
The players head in. J. Cole slips on the wet tunnel floor. The staff told me J. Cole sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. We're back! The players look fired up.
Hakeem Olajuwon, this tree of a man, gets the separation but can't finish! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Spider-Man drags their feet! Heavy as their bare hands at the end of a shift!
This generational talent Spider-Man loses concentration and the rock with it!
J. Cole pulls up and kicks the stanchion! This league veteran losing composure!
J. Cole, this swiss-army-knife type, hangs the head. Tough loss despite insane court vision effort.
Aaron Donald shakes Spider-Man's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
73-117 (L)
Hakeem Olajuwon fires up the crowd to open the game! This top-tier talent starting strong!
This established star Hakeem Olajuwon rattles it out! So close yet so far off the pick and roll!
Aaron Donald, this swiss-army-knife type, fumbles the entry pass at half court!
Hakeem Olajuwon gets screened out of the play! This All-Star caliber talent lost in traffic!
Spider-Man, this potential GOAT, barks at the teammate! Heavy feet taking over!
Rest. J. Cole buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Little secret: J. Cole watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Hakeem Olajuwon, this All-Star caliber talent, with a contested tear drop that misses at the buzzer!
Aaron Donald, this solid build, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Hakeem Olajuwon passes to nobody! This headliner with a head-scratching decision!
This multi-time All-Star Hakeem Olajuwon slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Spider-Man takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad superhero day!
Spider-Man looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. J. Cole looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Spider-Man's name. Forgive me. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
77-122 (L)
Hakeem Olajuwon, this top-tier talent, embraces the packed arena! Game on!
J. Cole, this tweener, loses the handle and the opportunity! Tendency to rush!
Sloppy handling by Erling Haaland! Scoring the winning goal is done with more finesse!
Erling Haaland watches helplessly! An association football player watching the winning goal fall off the shelf!
Aaron Donald gets a technical for complaining! Hot head on full display!
Halftime! Spider-Man has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Did you know? Spider-Man launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
J. Cole, this do-it-all player, bobbles the orange and the chance evaporates off the pick and roll!
Aaron Donald misses from fatigue! This unknown gem can't get the elevation from way beyond the arc!
Spider-Man double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Erling Haaland explodes away from the huddle! This generational talent in a dark place mentally!
Hakeem Olajuwon walks off in silence. This certified bucket gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Erling Haaland watches the crowd file out in silence. J. Cole prefers not to look. I learned backstage that J. Cole also does superhero on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Hakeem Olajuwon.
Season journal
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