My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

78-122 (L)

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Laser from SpongeBob SquarePants, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Genghis Khan spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! The military leader misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Goku gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because SpongeBob SquarePants saw it a beat early. Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Goku keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Goku had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Thomas the Tank Engine is COOKING and he knows it, he wants every single touch right now! Here is the danger of a hot night: Thomas the Tank Engine stops taking the shots that got him going and starts taking the ones that cool him off.

Halftime. Goku is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Goku lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. And now, our halftime TV game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! To win a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever, text HOOPS to 555-0876 and answer this question: 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

SpongeBob SquarePants crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on SpongeBob SquarePants, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

The cook pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Thomas the Tank Engine drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Full stop, full sprint, and the cook is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Look at SpongeBob SquarePants mouthing an apology toward his own bench before the call is even announced. He knew instantly.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: SpongeBob SquarePants controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. From WAY downtown off the pop! Genghis Khan with the extra pass and CASH. BRICK! Goku throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

OHHHH that is filthy! SpongeBob SquarePants on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Baseline drive by Genghis Khan, he absorbs the hammer from the help defender, and the official is already pointing to the line. Boring is beautiful, and Genghis Khan is automatic from the stripe. That is how you close a game out.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Court vision like that on the player is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Lü Bu he is on the wrong end of it.

The coach just drew up the biggest play of the night for the cook, a sentence I did not expect to say out loud this evening. That is the third time out of a timeout tonight that SpongeBob SquarePants has gotten a look this clean. The whiteboard is undefeated.

SpongeBob SquarePants claps his hands in frustration. Lü Bu clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. And here is the answer to our game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! Faye Ellen Hocutt of Turnip Hollow, Maryland, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' The answer was of course eleven pounds of fabric and about a hundred pounds of expectation. Faye Ellen therefore wins a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever! On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

87-132 (L)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

WALLED OFF! Genghis Khan slides over and the paint is CLOSED for business. Filthy defense from Genghis Khan. He never touched a thing and he still won the possession.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Push the pace! SpongeBob SquarePants grabs it and hits Thomas the Tank Engine in stride before the defense can even match up. This is the counter: Thomas the Tank Engine punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Goku should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Off to the locker room. Goku has already drained two water bottles. Fun fact: Goku blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Casserole! To win a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others, text HOOPS to 555-0177 and answer this question: 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and SpongeBob SquarePants already has the defense a full step behind. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Genghis Khan, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Genghis Khan blows the wide open layup!

Look how low Goku keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Missed layup for the farmer and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Body to body all the way to the rim and the arm goes up. That is on Goku, and this crew is not letting anything go tonight.

Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then SpongeBob SquarePants rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. REJECTED! SpongeBob SquarePants takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

Watch the spacing there, SpongeBob SquarePants hits Thomas the Tank Engine right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Give and go! Thomas the Tank Engine gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! BAAAANG! Thomas the Tank Engine from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

Thomas the Tank Engine climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. SpongeBob SquarePants refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

The player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Day job, then this: the cook reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. The warlord gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Dagger from Miami Heart-Attack. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Somebody explain how the cook reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Watch the spacing, Thomas the Tank Engine drags two bodies toward the ball and SpongeBob SquarePants is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the cook! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

The assistant points at the far corner, the head coach points at Thomas the Tank Engine, and the other three get told exactly where to stand. BANG! Exactly the play on the clipboard: Thomas the Tank Engine to Genghis Khan, catch and rise.

SpongeBob SquarePants turns back to look at the court one last time. Thomas the Tank Engine doesn't turn around. And here is the answer to our game Name That Casserole! Bobbie Jo Tatum of Mule Shoe Flats, Texas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' The answer was of course the seagull, even nine hundred miles inland. Bobbie Jo takes home a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others! Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

82-126 (L)

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Thomas the Tank Engine gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. OHHHH! Genghis Khan went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

That is the second personal charged to Thomas the Tank Engine and the bench is already staring at the clipboard. Foul trouble rewrites a rotation in a hurry. The player is in foul trouble already! Whatever hands-on skills that job teaches, none of them are legal in this league.

Thomas the Tank Engine rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. BANG! Thomas the Tank Engine steps back, creates the daylight, and buries it right in the defender's eye.

Thomas the Tank Engine runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Thomas the Tank Engine sets it and slides out instead of rolling, SpongeBob SquarePants finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. That is the shot Thomas the Tank Engine wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

The players file out. Genghis Khan exchanges a tense look with the coach. Did you know Genghis Khan entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Seventy-Eight and a Half! To win a hand-crank ice cream maker missing the crank, text HOOPS to 555-0413 and answer this question: 'What is the average lifespan of an ink pen at a bank?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Thomas the Tank Engine comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Thomas the Tank Engine is walking back with both hands on his head.

Nothing. Again. Genghis Khan is staring at that rim like it owes him money. Second shot clock violation of the half with Goku holding it too long. Live possessions are too expensive to hand back like that.

The cook just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Straight down the baseline goes the warlord! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Long miss from the warlord and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Orlando Magic-Beans with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Goku launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. The warlord just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Up goes the shot from SpongeBob SquarePants and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! SpongeBob SquarePants left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! The block is clean, the ball is gone, and SpongeBob SquarePants is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Cross court, on a rope, from the player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Goku just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Lü Bu half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Two defenders in the lane, Lü Bu splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

SpongeBob SquarePants bites his lip, fists clenched. Thomas the Tank Engine shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. And here is the answer to our game Match Game Seventy-Eight and a Half! Roscoe Tidwell of Frog Level, Alabama, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the average lifespan of an ink pen at a bank?' The answer was of course nine minutes, after which it goes home with a man named Gary. Roscoe takes home a hand-crank ice cream maker missing the crank! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

78-115 (L)

The warlord just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and SpongeBob SquarePants drops it off to Genghis Khan on time and on target. Hard drive, hard stop, and Genghis Khan retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. The military leader had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Watch the sell from Thomas the Tank Engine here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Buzzer on the shot clock, Thomas the Tank Engine heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

SpongeBob SquarePants comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Thomas the Tank Engine just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Thomas the Tank Engine pump fakes, gets the defender airborne, and walks right into his chest. Free throws. Both knocked down without the slightest wobble. Free throws are just a shift on the clock, and the player punched in on time.

Halftime whistle! Goku slides down against the hallway wall. Did you know Goku entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. And now, our halftime TV game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! To win a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever, text HOOPS to 555-0876 and answer this question: 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Thomas the Tank Engine punishes it with a read most guys never even see. You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and Lü Bu has earned every second of that reaction.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Philadelphia Injury-Report with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Worst possession of the night for the other team, and Genghis Khan just turned it into three points at the stripe. Free of charge.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

SpongeBob SquarePants feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets SpongeBob SquarePants up there and returns it with interest.

SKIP PASS! Thomas the Tank Engine fires it cross court to Lü Bu and the defense is dead in the water! Lü Bu drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Goku walk away from it.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Goku strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Lü Bu carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Two defenders, one gap, and SpongeBob SquarePants finds it. Onions on that pass. The big man never even contested it, and Genghis Khan still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

The farmer is going shot for shot with the best scorer on this floor and refusing to flinch. On a weeknight. After a full shift.

Goku unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Lü Bu runs a hand down his face. And here is the answer to our game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! Faye Ellen Hocutt of Turnip Hollow, Maryland, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' The answer was of course eleven pounds of fabric and about a hundred pounds of expectation. Faye Ellen therefore wins a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever! As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

73-118 (L)

A cruel spin-out for the cook, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and SpongeBob SquarePants has now cleaned up four misses tonight. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, SpongeBob SquarePants makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. This building is SHAKING. Lü Bu just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

Lü Bu steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

OHHHH here we go! Shoving under the rim, and Thomas the Tank Engine is right in the middle of it!

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

One hard step and Goku owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. The farmer just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

The players head to the locker room. Genghis Khan is sweating like a racehorse. Did you know Genghis Khan once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. And now, our halftime TV game show Last Call Bingo! To win a lifetime pass to a museum of regional soil, text HOOPS to 555-0150 and answer this question: 'How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a scoreboard?' Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.

OHHHH the hesi! Thomas the Tank Engine froze him solid and he is already gone! Blocked into the floor. Thomas the Tank Engine will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Screen, pop, SPLASH! SpongeBob SquarePants kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Getting to his spot and elevating, Goku puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the player, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. A cut with that timing from the cook? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Prayer from SpongeBob SquarePants. Not answered.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The cook is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Left, right, gone. Thomas the Tank Engine put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Thomas the Tank Engine has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

They have to shoot over the top of this thing, and the top of it is a long way up. Filthy work from Genghis Khan.

SpongeBob SquarePants walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. One little shoulder dip from Lü Bu and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Rim out for Lü Bu, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

SpongeBob SquarePants turns the corner off the screen from Lü Bu, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! The defense keeps turning contested looks by Lü Bu into free points. STOP REACHING. Two for two from the warlord, calm as a Tuesday afternoon. Whatever that job involves all day, it clearly builds very steady hands.

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. Lü Bu points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

Goku slams his fist on the bench. Lü Bu places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. And here is the answer to our game Last Call Bingo! Leon Poteet of Fence Post, Hawaii, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a scoreboard?' The answer was of course four, plus one man who insists he could have done it alone. Leon takes home a lifetime pass to a museum of regional soil! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

88-132 (L)

The cook had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job. Genghis Khan SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. Rebounding is effort, and effort is apparently what the military leader does for a living. Second chance points, all guts.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The inbound goes to SpongeBob SquarePants, the double comes immediately, and nobody flashes to the middle to help. Turnover before the offense even starts.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The cook is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. The warlord just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the warlord, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Rest. SpongeBob SquarePants buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Did you know? SpongeBob SquarePants tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. And now, our halftime TV game show The Bachelor of Science! To win a ceramic frog wearing tiny sunglasses and nothing else, text HOOPS to 555-0264 and answer this question: 'How tall would a stack of every whistle ever blown be?' We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Rejected by the scheme, not the athlete. Genghis Khan was simply standing exactly where the offense wanted to be. Watch the arms on Genghis Khan, straight up, no arm bar, nothing for the officials to blow. That is coaching and discipline.

The farmer just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, Thomas the Tank Engine panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the cook made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Shot clock at one, and SpongeBob SquarePants just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Goku has known that all night long. The warlord reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Gift wrapped by Genghis Khan, and Lü Bu cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how SpongeBob SquarePants breaks a shell down. Beautiful pass by Lü Bu. Wrong jersey.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Total control. SpongeBob SquarePants has this thing on a string. A single dribble is all Lü Bu needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and Lü Bu rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

The strategy of the desperate, executed to perfection by SpongeBob SquarePants. Foul, stop the clock, pray at the other end, repeat.

SpongeBob SquarePants leaves the court at a jog. Thomas the Tank Engine stays there, planted at center court, motionless. And here is the answer to our game The Bachelor of Science! Bonnie Faye Gulick of Windy Gap, Wyoming, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How tall would a stack of every whistle ever blown be?' The answer was of course tall enough to be a problem for airplanes. Bonnie Faye takes home a ceramic frog wearing tiny sunglasses and nothing else! Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

81-119 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Lü Bu winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Cross court, on a rope, from the player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The farmer just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Third one of these from Goku this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

OHHHH the pin-down! Goku pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Genghis Khan. Brutal. A cruel spin-out for the farmer, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Heading in. Goku's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Anecdote: Goku lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! To win a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it, text HOOPS to 555-0398 and answer this question: 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

Over the top of everybody. SpongeBob SquarePants to Thomas the Tank Engine in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A player making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Goku fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Reach-in on Goku. He wanted the steal, he bought a foul. The best defender on this floor is headed to the bench with four. Goku goes off with his hand still up, insisting he was straight up and down.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The defender crowded the middle, and Thomas the Tank Engine punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Missed layup for the player and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Set called, Goku waved out to the corner, and SpongeBob SquarePants watches the spacing open up like a front door. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Goku has all the room in the world. The farmer just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The player lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession. Nobody put a body on Lü Bu and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. Second chance points for Lü Bu, tipping his own miss straight back in before his feet ever touched the floor.

The extra pass! Goku had the look, gave it up anyway, and Genghis Khan buries it. BANG! The military leader launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

The longer they stay at that monitor, the louder this place gets, and SpongeBob SquarePants is refusing to look at the big screen. OHHHH the cruelty! Two tenths, and SpongeBob SquarePants gets absolutely nothing.

Goku watches the crowd file out in silence. Lü Bu prefers not to look. And here is the answer to our game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! Cletus Ogletree of Hominy Corners, Oklahoma, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' The answer was of course eighty six percent, and his name is Gary. Cletus therefore wins a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it! I learned that Goku's father was a cook. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

82-126 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and SpongeBob SquarePants threw it before the help even committed. Screened, toasted, done. Lü Bu is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Pull-up from the elbow by Lü Bu, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Off the pin-down comes the player with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Thomas the Tank Engine gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Goku makes it every single trip down the floor. BAAAANG! Thomas the Tank Engine sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. SpongeBob SquarePants beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

End of the first act. Thomas the Tank Engine is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Anecdote: Thomas the Tank Engine fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. And now, our halftime TV game show Last Call Bingo! To win a lifetime pass to a museum of regional soil, text HOOPS to 555-0150 and answer this question: 'How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a scoreboard?' And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.

No hero ball here: Thomas the Tank Engine takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Goku holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to SpongeBob SquarePants flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Down, up, and gone for SpongeBob SquarePants. The rim is just toying with him now.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Minnesota Ice-Wall with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

GET THAT OUTTA HERE! Genghis Khan says NOT in my house!

Unselfish basketball. SpongeBob SquarePants passes up a good shot and hands Lü Bu a GREAT one. Lü Bu rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Goku just did it by hitting Lü Bu on the back side with acres of room. Lü Bu attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Off the back iron for Lü Bu, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

The farmer makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Genghis Khan splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Two points left on the floor by SpongeBob SquarePants, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

SpongeBob SquarePants launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH, what a read by Goku! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Genghis Khan.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Laser from Goku, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Thomas the Tank Engine sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Genghis Khan lays it right on his hands in traffic! That is body control you simply cannot coach: Thomas the Tank Engine stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Lü Bu sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Thomas the Tank Engine puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. And here is the answer to our game Last Call Bingo! Leon Poteet of Fence Post, Hawaii, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a scoreboard?' The answer was of course four, plus one man who insists he could have done it alone. Leon takes home a lifetime pass to a museum of regional soil! During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

82-126 (L)

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

GONE down the baseline! Goku beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Straight back to the office for the farmer, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Goku launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to player the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Second pass beats the rotation, Lü Bu to SpongeBob SquarePants, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Nasty finish. SpongeBob SquarePants hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

Somebody explain the arc to the military leader. He gave away three shots on a prayer, and you can watch the coach age in real time.

Halftime whistle! Goku grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Confession: Goku believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. And now, our halftime TV game show Truth or Consequences, New Mexico! To win a set of steak knives that cannot cut steak, text HOOPS to 555-0288 and answer this question: 'How many hours can a casserole sit on a church table before it becomes a hazard?' Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

The zone is set with Thomas the Tank Engine anchoring the middle of it and there is NOWHERE to go!

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Thomas the Tank Engine gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because SpongeBob SquarePants saw it a beat early. Baseline wide open. Thomas the Tank Engine said thank you. Rising up out of the corner, Thomas the Tank Engine sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Thomas the Tank Engine has known that all night long. SpongeBob SquarePants eats the contact so Goku can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Goku. Somebody check that job title again: the farmer hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

The too-small gesture, aimed straight at the Houston Blast-Off bench, both hands measuring an inch of air. Their coach is out of his chair and onto the officials. Goku keeps the pose, unblinking, backpedaling all the way. The arena hits a decibel level that clips the broadcast mics.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and SpongeBob SquarePants has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Genghis Khan precisely where the play wanted it. The military leader just handed that one straight to the other team. Hey, nobody is perfect at two jobs at once.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: SpongeBob SquarePants controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Genghis Khan passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the military leader! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from SpongeBob SquarePants, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Awful shot by SpongeBob SquarePants with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Lü Bu waits with both hands on top of his head. The officials come back out, cross their arms, and Lü Bu goes from hero to spectator on one signal.

SpongeBob SquarePants hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Genghis Khan keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. And here is the answer to our game Truth or Consequences, New Mexico! Idella Prather of Lonesome Water, Mississippi, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many hours can a casserole sit on a church table before it becomes a hazard?' The answer was of course two hours, or one if somebody brought mayonnaise. Idella takes home a set of steak knives that cannot cut steak! I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

89-134 (L)

Genghis Khan controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Cross court, on a rope, from the cook. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Down screen, and Goku curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Missed layup for the farmer and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the cook, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. The military leader reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. AIRBALL! Genghis Khan missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and SpongeBob SquarePants pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. That is a forced shot from the cook that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

The players file out. SpongeBob SquarePants exchanges a tense look with the coach. Intel: SpongeBob SquarePants asked Denver Horse-Track for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Winding Down! To win a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it, text HOOPS to 555-0509 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Lü Bu turns and points at his teammates, and the entire bench comes up as one. Goku reads the eyes the whole way, gets a mitt on it, and that is OUR basketball now.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The cook makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. STOP AND GO! Genghis Khan hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. The military leader hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

The player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Off the pin-down comes the farmer with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Goku!

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Goku threw it before the help even committed. Kick out to Genghis Khan, one more to Lü Bu, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Zero hesitation, zero conscience. Lü Bu made that closeout look completely pointless.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Lü Bu lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. SpongeBob SquarePants drags Lü Bu away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Iso for the farmer, and after the shift that man put in today, the defender is the one I feel sorry for. That is a charge on Goku, and you can hear the groan roll around every level of this building.

HERE IT COMES! Every soul in this gym knows the ball is going to Goku, and it may not matter one bit. Out of the timeout, Thomas the Tank Engine hits Genghis Khan right on schedule and it drops! Drawn up, run, done.

Genghis Khan slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

SpongeBob SquarePants watches the crowd file out in silence. Thomas the Tank Engine prefers not to look. And here is the answer to our game show Match Game Winding Down! Georgette Blalock of Little Persimmon, North Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' The answer was of course the regret, by about eleven minutes. Georgette therefore wins a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it! Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

89-134 (L)

Tip goes to the warlord, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Set called, Genghis Khan waved out to the corner, and SpongeBob SquarePants watches the spacing open up like a front door. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Genghis Khan pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Fifth possession this half where Genghis Khan has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Contested! Lü Bu makes him change it in midair. OUTLET! Goku rips the board and fires it ahead to SpongeBob SquarePants before anybody gets back! SpongeBob SquarePants loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

SpongeBob SquarePants steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Laser from Goku, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Court vision like that on the warlord is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Thomas the Tank Engine fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Finally a breather. Genghis Khan has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Locker room anecdote: Genghis Khan talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. And now, our halftime TV game show The Newlywed Timeout! To win a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs, text HOOPS to 555-0472 and answer this question: 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The farmer reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. SpongeBob SquarePants threads a BEAUTY to Goku under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Lü Bu slides, closes out, recovers. The ball goes all the way around the perimeter and comes back with nothing. GET THAT OUTTA HERE! Lü Bu meets that jumper at the top of its flight and spikes it into the sideline.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Clean feed from Goku, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. A cut with that timing from the military leader? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Genghis Khan attacks the paint, absorbs the bump, twists his body all the way around the defender and reverses it in. FILTHY.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Genghis Khan does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Goku puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The press did exactly what it was drawn up to do. Thomas the Tank Engine panicked, the timeline did the rest, and the defense gets a turnover without stealing a thing.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Thomas the Tank Engine does. OHHHH! Thomas the Tank Engine went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Thomas the Tank Engine threw it before the help even committed. Off the pin-down comes the farmer with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. The farmer gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Goku hurls his water bottle at the wall. Genghis Khan flinches but doesn't react. And here is the answer to our game show The Newlywed Timeout! Dewey Spillman of Frostbite Flats, Minnesota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' The answer was of course three and a half miles, and the dog does not care for it. Dewey therefore wins a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

75-120 (L)

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Over the top of everybody. SpongeBob SquarePants to Genghis Khan in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Genghis Khan, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Genghis Khan, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and SpongeBob SquarePants drops it off to Thomas the Tank Engine on time and on target. Hesitate, GO. Thomas the Tank Engine is by that hip before the man even blinks. That is the shot chart lying to you. Thomas the Tank Engine did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

A cut with that timing from the player? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Watch the feet on Thomas the Tank Engine there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Thomas the Tank Engine the moment he crosses half court. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Thomas the Tank Engine do that to one of their own.

Thomas the Tank Engine crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Lü Bu mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Halftime whistle! Lü Bu grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Locker room anecdote: Lü Bu talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. And now, our halftime TV game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! To win two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened, text HOOPS to 555-0405 and answer this question: 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The cook is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Whirl, and GONE! Goku leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Goku goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Right through the window. Goku to Thomas the Tank Engine on the roll, and the help was a half step late. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Thomas the Tank Engine drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Baseline wide open. Goku said thank you. Straight back to the office for the farmer, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Goku just did it by hitting Genghis Khan on the back side with acres of room. Unselfish basketball. Genghis Khan passes up a good shot and hands Lü Bu a GREAT one. That is another catch and shoot triple for Lü Bu, and you can see the closeouts getting more desperate every single trip.

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, Lü Bu tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and SpongeBob SquarePants has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Genghis Khan precisely where the play wanted it. Genghis Khan stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. The military leader launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Foul to give, and Thomas the Tank Engine gives it. Clock stops.

SpongeBob SquarePants rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Thomas the Tank Engine picks up his own and folds it carefully. And here is the answer to our game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! Maureen Skaggs of North Fork Elbow, Idaho, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' The answer was of course four thousand and nine, not counting the ones nobody will admit to. Maureen therefore wins two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened! Evening confession: I'm wearing SpongeBob SquarePants's jersey under my shirt. For morale. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

79-123 (L)

Court vision like that on the player is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. There is nothing accidental about that one. SpongeBob SquarePants hunted the contact, sold it, and bought himself a trip to the stripe. Two for two from the cook, calm as a Tuesday afternoon. Whatever that job involves all day, it clearly builds very steady hands.

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The farmer just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the cook! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

The farmer gets whistled for the swipe. Forty honest hours a week and here he is, picking pockets in front of twenty thousand witnesses. Third whistle on Goku. He could argue the first two. This one he cannot.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

End of the second quarter. Thomas the Tank Engine is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Fun fact: Thomas the Tank Engine tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! To win a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong, text HOOPS to 555-0066 and answer this question: 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Thomas the Tank Engine has known that all night long. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! SpongeBob SquarePants put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! So close. SpongeBob SquarePants can only stare at the iron.

Ball moves. SpongeBob SquarePants to Thomas the Tank Engine, on time and on target. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Thomas the Tank Engine gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Thomas the Tank Engine went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Shot clock violation! Lü Bu owns the nail, the middle is a no fly zone, and that possession just expired in their hands.

Watch the change of pace from SpongeBob SquarePants, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Blocked into the floor. SpongeBob SquarePants will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. The defender planted his feet, and SpongeBob SquarePants said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Clang. SpongeBob SquarePants wants that one back.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and SpongeBob SquarePants has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Thomas the Tank Engine precisely where the play wanted it. No roll this time. Thomas the Tank Engine swings it right back to SpongeBob SquarePants above the break, and it is PURE. The crowd has found its chant, and SpongeBob SquarePants is going to be hearing it all night.

Two decoy screens, a flare to the weak side, then Lü Bu coming off the second one. That is the whole thing. Cut, screen, relocate, and there is Lü Bu wide open in the corner. Nobody on that defense read one page of it.

SpongeBob SquarePants mutters 'damn' under his breath. Thomas the Tank Engine says 'yeah' in the same tone. And here is the answer to our game Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! Wanda Sue Beezley of Rooster Comb, South Dakota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' The answer was of course forty-one, and three of them open nothing at all. Wanda Sue takes home a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong! During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

90-134 (L)

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Thomas the Tank Engine threw it before the help even committed. Watch Goku plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Genghis Khan out of that corner in a blink. Not a hand on him. Genghis Khan flat missed the bunny.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The farmer takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Goku cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at SpongeBob SquarePants the moment he crosses half court. The cook had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Left, right, gone. SpongeBob SquarePants put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets SpongeBob SquarePants up there and returns it with interest.

Players head to the locker room. Thomas the Tank Engine has tape on three fingers. Anecdote: Thomas the Tank Engine slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And now, our halftime TV game show Whistle While You Guess! To win a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby, text HOOPS to 555-1291 and answer this question: 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.

Swing, swing, and Thomas the Tank Engine finds SpongeBob SquarePants on the wing before the help can even turn its head. POCKET PASS! SpongeBob SquarePants threads it to Goku between two bodies and the rim is wide open! The farmer gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and SpongeBob SquarePants already has the defense a full step behind. Baseline spin from Genghis Khan at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Genghis Khan, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

OHHHH the separation! Thomas the Tank Engine just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Thomas the Tank Engine rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Lü Bu eats the contact so Thomas the Tank Engine can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Thomas the Tank Engine rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Thomas the Tank Engine crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Genghis Khan mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

SpongeBob SquarePants walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. SpongeBob SquarePants just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Thomas the Tank Engine half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Thomas the Tank Engine. Cruel.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Hands like that on the player? Whatever he does all day, by night he is robbing people blind. That outlet from Thomas the Tank Engine is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. Straight through the traffic, straight through the contact. The military leader finishes with a free throw coming and the paint suddenly feels very small.

Lü Bu closes his eyes walking out. SpongeBob SquarePants keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. And here is the answer to our game show Whistle While You Guess! Wilma Jean Puckett of Sorghum Switch, Kansas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' The answer was of course exactly 1,412 times, and 1,413 if the arena air conditioning is broken. Wilma Jean therefore wins a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby! Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

75-119 (L)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

A player breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Ambition, ten out of ten. Footwork, two out of ten. Thomas the Tank Engine beat himself before the defender ever showed up.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the player, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. The cook just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Perfect drop-off from SpongeBob SquarePants, and Goku answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

The cook just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! The cook just drew a shooting foul with a veteran pump fake. Two free throws for somebody who clocks in at a real job tomorrow morning. Cash. Cash again. SpongeBob SquarePants pockets the two and jogs back on defense like nothing happened.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, SpongeBob SquarePants takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Lü Bu pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and SpongeBob SquarePants already has the defense a full step behind. Right idea, no zip on it, and at this level Lü Bu either puts some heat on that ball or he keeps it in his hands.

Time to breathe. Lü Bu has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Little scoop: Lü Bu logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Is Broken! To win a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip, text HOOPS to 555-0781 and answer this question: 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

TECHNICAL ON THE BENCH! The head coach is way out past the box, and it takes SpongeBob SquarePants with both arms to walk him back.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Thomas the Tank Engine kicks it over to SpongeBob SquarePants, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. OHHHH, what a read by SpongeBob SquarePants! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Thomas the Tank Engine, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! SpongeBob SquarePants never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the cook! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! SpongeBob SquarePants put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! Into traffic goes SpongeBob SquarePants, he gets clubbed, he scores anyway, and the free throw is PURE. Three the hard way.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Dribble handoff from SpongeBob SquarePants, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. Goku had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Goku. The farmer is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

Genghis Khan lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Lü Bu holds his in. And here is the answer to our game show The Gong Show Is Broken! Gwendolyn Pyle of Half Moon Gulch, Montana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The answer was of course somewhere between four and nineteen minutes, depending on the score. Gwendolyn therefore wins a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip! Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.