My dream NFL team — american_football_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Kansas City Burnt-Ends

25-28 (L)

A investor lives and dies by timing, and he was a tenth of a second early on that one. Pass knocked down, drive stalled. Five yards marched off. Justin Jefferson was the twelfth man, and a third and 6 just turned into third and 1 for them. Field position, then penalties, then the score. Kansas City Burnt-Ends has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

HE IS IN! Derrick Henry takes the handoff, finds the crease in the B-gap and finishes it standing straight up! Ninety seconds locked on a sideline monitor, and Joe Biden has aged about a year for every one of them. Freeze it right there -- the football crosses the pylon while Joe Biden still has an elbow in the air. Nothing on that tape to overturn. Ninety-something percent of these go through in this league. Donald Trump just found the other bucket, and the one-point margin is now live.

Joe Biden mimes putting the entire Kansas City Burnt-Ends secondary to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes closed, swaying gently. Their corner is in his face immediately. Joe Biden does not open his eyes. Dak Prescott arrives at a full sprint and physically removes him from the situation.

Penetration on the strong side by Jake Ferguson, the pulling guard grabs nothing but air, and the whole run concept dies on the hash marks. Jake Ferguson was one body too many, and the umpire had him tagged before the football ever moved. Kansas City Burnt-Ends goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

Back-shoulder, and Patrick Mahomes smells it coming. He plants, opens the hips, and knocks it away in the corner of the end zone. Beautiful key read. IShowSpeed sees the guard pull, runs the mesh point down, and meets the back before the handoff is even clean.

One tick left on the play clock. Warren Moon calls it, the officials grant it, and the offense finally gets to breathe. Terrific decision by Warren Moon, ball right into the frame of Jake Ferguson, and one hard step later he is standing in front of his own bench. No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Jake Ferguson. Down the middle from 36.

Locker room. Patrick Mahomes re-laces both cleats from scratch. Then does it again. Not many people know this: Patrick Mahomes auditioned for a televised singing competition before football. The tape exists somewhere. And now, our halftime TV game show The Ninety Minute Fiance! To win a commemorative plate honoring a couple who did not make it, text BLITZ to 555-2324 and answer this question: 'How long does an engagement last if it begins during a fourth quarter comeback?' Both units in place. The referee signals ready and away we go.

Heavy personnel, six offensive linemen, and there was no mystery whatsoever about the call. Did not matter: Derrick Henry follows the fullback and gets it in. Everything on this drive now rides on one frame of tape. Dak Prescott is on the sideline, helmet off, eyes locked on the big board. After review, the ruling on the field stands. Touchdown, Dak Prescott. The loneliest job in football is the one where making it earns you nothing, and Warren Moon just made it again.

Dak Prescott drops flat on his back in the end zone and makes a snow angel in turf that has never seen snow. Joe Biden lies down beside him and does the same. Two men making angels in green rubber pellets while a defensive coordinator on the other sideline throws his headset into the ground.

George Pickens times the jump perfectly, high points the football, and holds on through the contact. That is a fifty-fifty ball that was never fifty-fifty. That football hung up there long enough for the whole stadium to do the math, and George Pickens was the only man in the building who got the answer right. The interior got knocked back a full yard at the snap and George Pickens had nowhere to put his foot. That play failed before he ever touched the ball.

Play clock at three, Warren Moon gets the audible out, and the snap comes with one tick to spare. That defender went down like a stack of empty crates, and Warren Moon never so much as broke stride. Thirty-two yards is the university professor version of a task he could finish half asleep with one tool missing. Dead center.

Joe Biden sets the ball down on the pylon, backs up ten yards, and lines it up like a putt. He reads the break. He actually reads the break. Derrick Henry tends the imaginary flag while the referee walks over with a flag of a very different kind.

Yellow laundry deep in the secondary, and it is on Patrick Mahomes. Pass interference, and the ball travels all the way down to the twenty. Back shoulder fade at the pylon, and Kansas City Burnt-Ends comes down with it over a defender who had inside leverage and nothing behind him. Perfectly placed, and this one is on us.

There it is, the swing nobody can un-see. Jynxzi takes a shot at the bottom of the pile and every official within twenty yards had a clean look at it.

The chains kept moving and nothing we tried slowed it down. Fourteen plays, seven minutes off the clock, and Kansas City Burnt-Ends finishes the drive with six.

Zero blitz. No safety help, no margin for error, and Patrick Mahomes comes clean off the slot to blow the entire thing up. He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Derrick Henry recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. IT IS DEAFENING IN HERE! Warren Moon is conducting the entire upper deck and the play clock is bleeding out!

IShowSpeed works the handshake line and says all the right things. Justin Jefferson skips it entirely and heads for the tunnel. And here is the answer to our game show The Ninety Minute Fiance! Idalene Crutchfield of Mud Lick Station, Kentucky, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long does an engagement last if it begins during a fourth quarter comeback?' The answer was of course exactly as long as the comeback does. Idalene therefore wins a commemorative plate honoring a couple who did not make it! I lost my credential somewhere between the parking lot and the elevator. Security walked me up. Security also walked me down. See you next time. Rolling right into 'Air Crash Investigation: My Attempt at a Paper Airplane.'

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Champagne-Corks

24-13 (W)

The pulling guard never found him. Dak Prescott shot the crease, met the ball carrier in the hole, and drove him back into his own backfield. That is a green-dog by Joe Biden: their back stays in to protect, so he converts to rush and hits the A-gap before the guard can turn his head. Second and 14. Justin Jefferson with the tackle for loss, and that play call goes straight in the garbage.

Perfect technique from Joe Biden -- he plays the ball, not the man, and there is not a flag anywhere on this field. That is the third field goal of the day for Miami Champagne-Corks. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

TOE TAP! Justin Jefferson gets one foot down, then the other, and drags them BOTH in bounds! Warren Moon trusted him to be exactly there! Bounce it OUTSIDE! Justin Jefferson sees the pursuit overrun the play, hits the sideline and dives at the pylon for the score! Warren Moon shows the flat route, resets his feet, and delivers to Joe Biden on the back line. The whole thing takes 2.4 seconds.

Justin Jefferson doesn't celebrate. He hands the ball to the nearest official, taps him on the shoulder pad, and jogs to the sideline like a man returning a library book. Jynxzi is screaming in his face the entire way and getting nothing back. The silence of it somehow makes the crowd louder.

Loss of four. Patrick Mahomes makes the stop, the chains do not move, and their sideline is already talking about field goal range. It is up, and it is through. Three more for Miami Champagne-Corks, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

Their sideline is out of ideas. Jake Ferguson shadows the route, the quarterback checks it down for two, and the chains stay right where they are. Screen game, blockers out in front, and George Pickens sifts through all that traffic to make the tackle himself. That is a pro. Third and 6, they wanted the hot route. George Pickens takes it away, the throw is late, and the ball falls incomplete.

The room settles. Derrick Henry pulls a hoodie over the pads and yanks the strings tight. The stage crew has ninety seconds to roll out forty sheets of plywood. They will make it. They always make it. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Tailgate Meat! To win a smoker grill welded out of a county filing cabinet, text BLITZ to 555-0162 and answer this question: 'What meat is in the mystery casserole on tailgate table three?' The units jog out. The coverage guys are slapping each other's shoulder pads.

IT IS A HEADCOUNT! Somebody on this sideline needs a clicker, because the official counted twice before he threw it at Patrick Mahomes! Ohhh, that one hurts. Miami Champagne-Corks runs the same counter they have run all afternoon, the backside end crashes again, and it is a touchdown.

The whole offensive line is pointing at him! Big men live for that, and Dak Prescott just gave the entire unit something to howl about! The university professor threw that on a three-step deadline, because waiting for perfect conditions has never once worked out for him either. Nobody is catching him! Warren Moon authored five yards of that play and Jake Ferguson wrote the other forty himself. The sideline is coming apart. The 33-yard extra point stopped being free a long time ago, but Dak Prescott still treats it like it is. Right down the pipe.

They went to the inside counter that time. Patrick Mahomes was already sitting on it. Whatever the plan was, it is in the trash now. The protection folded inside and Patrick Mahomes paid for it. Nothing wrong with the leg, everything wrong with the wall in front of it.

Off the left upright -- DOINK -- and it kicks back onto the field. Three points Miami Champagne-Corks left out there, and our sideline is losing its mind. POUNDED it in there! Derrick Henry through the B-gap with the pads low, and the chains are moving again. Give it to him twenty-two times and this is what you get. Derrick Henry punished that front all afternoon and cashed it in from six yards out. What a finish. Hold is upright, the spot never moves an inch, and Jake Ferguson hits it flush. Nothing about that operation was rushed.

The ball goes into the stands on a rope, twenty rows deep, and the scrum for it delays the extra point. Derrick Henry watches two grown men in the same jersey wrestle over it. A kid ends up with it somehow. Derrick Henry points at the kid, and the kid points back, and that is the shot that runs all week.

THEY CANNOT FIND HIM! Derrick Henry is in his back pocket and their quarterback has come off him to the checkdown four straight snaps! He had one job on that snap and he did it in full -- Jake Ferguson chases the opposing quarterback down from behind and buries him a yard deep. TWO POINTS!

BLOWN UP IN THE BACKFIELD! Derrick Henry shoots the A-gap and drops him four yards behind the line of scrimmage! Here it comes, and it GETS THERE! Derrick Henry times the snap count perfectly and the play is dead before it starts! The visiting offense is playing inside a jet engine, and George Pickens is standing on the throttle.

OUT AND OUT OF BOUNDS! Warren Moon on the money to Jake Ferguson and this drive still has all the time it needs! Fourth quarter, 6.1 yards a carry, and Jake Ferguson has won the leverage battle on rep after rep after rep. Fourth down incomplete, intended for the flat. Ball goes over at the spot, and Jake Ferguson is the last man off the field.

Dak Prescott pulls off his cleats and walks out barefoot. Joe Biden keeps his on and regrets it by the tunnel. And here is the answer to our game Name That Tailgate Meat! Sharla Ottinger of Lug Nut, Michigan, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What meat is in the mystery casserole on tailgate table three?' The answer was of course nobody knows, and the man who brought it has quietly left the state. Sharla takes home a smoker grill welded out of a county filing cabinet! Fun fact: my headset cord is held together with athletic tape borrowed from the training staff. Thank you, training staff. See you at the next one. And now, 'Say Yes to the Dress: Finding Pants That Still Fit.' Tears expected.

Matchday 3 — vs Cleveland Blank-Helmets

46-28 (W)

That is a violent arrival. Jynxzi gets there at the same instant as the football and the receiver hears every bit of it -- they will not be throwing many more his way tonight. Twelve men on the field. Derrick Henry jogs off shaking his head, and the penalty is exactly what it looked like. Six for Cleveland Blank-Helmets. Nobody carried the crosser, and that was a walk-in from twelve yards out.

LAID OUT! Patrick Mahomes squares him up in space and puts him on the ground at the 22 -- no yards after, no daylight! He never stops working -- Patrick Mahomes has his arm around the pocket before his shoulder pad even lands. That is a hunter's instinct. Patrick Mahomes went into that pile the way you wade into cold surf, and he came out the other side dragging two defenders across the line with him. Jake Ferguson taps the point after through and this one is academic. Seven on the board.

Patrick Mahomes mimes putting the entire Cleveland Blank-Helmets secondary to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes closed, swaying gently. Their corner is in his face immediately. Patrick Mahomes does not open his eyes. George Pickens arrives at a full sprint and physically removes him from the situation.

Pure technique breakdown: Jake Ferguson never got his head around, and in this league that is a guaranteed thirty-yard donation. Second time in three drives. Cleveland Blank-Helmets punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

No highlight, no replay, no mention on the broadcast. The investor spent three hours making sure a very expensive man never had to think about him once. Watch the plant foot -- Donald Trump puts it right beside the ball, no lean, no hook. Inside 40 that is a rehearsed motion, not a kick.

Donald Trump reaches the sideline, lifts the lid off the orange barrel, and empties the whole thing over the offensive coordinator with most of the game still left to play. Ice goes everywhere. The coordinator does not move, does not blink, and keeps signaling in the extra point personnel as though nothing has occurred. Joe Biden hands him back his soaked call sheet and he takes it without looking up.

This is the hardest tackle in football and Derrick Henry makes it look routine: break down, chop the feet, wrap and drive. Derrick Henry plucked that thing out of the air with the calm of somebody taking mail out of his own box. Nothing hurried about it at all. Watch the footwork -- three steps and Derrick Henry is already releasing. You cannot blitz a quarterback who knows where he is going before the ball is snapped.

Halftime. Jynxzi has a headset on, listening to the booth break down the third-down calls. True story: Jynxzi once ran a full lap of the field at halftime, purely because sitting still was not an option. And now, our halftime TV game show Welded in a Driveway! To win a homemade goalpost welded out of two street signs by a man named Rick, text BLITZ to 555-2489 and answer this question: 'Can a goalpost be repaired with a car jack and pure enthusiasm?' The players are back. So is the noise.

Run the tape back on the substitution: Derrick Henry steps in, the call changes, and nobody waves him back. That is the whole penalty in one clip. Play action freezes our linebackers, the tight end slips out behind them, and Cleveland Blank-Helmets scores with nobody in the picture. That is a bust, plain and simple.

Look at the get-off from Joe Biden -- he is two yards upfield before the center's hand leaves the football. You cannot block that. Third and six. Joe Biden reads the eyes, undercuts the in-breaker at his own thirty-four and takes it back sixty-six yards. Touchdown, defense. Through the uprights! Patrick Mahomes adds the point after and the lead grows by one.

Joe Biden pounds the ball twice against his chest plate and the sound of it carries. The bench picks it up on the third beat, then the lower bowl, then the whole building -- seventy thousand people stamping the same two hits over and over. Joe Biden stands under the goalpost with his arms down and lets a stadium keep time for him. The Cleveland Blank-Helmets sideline burns a timeout it cannot afford, purely to make it stop.

Screen pass, one missed tackle at the thirty, and Cleveland Blank-Helmets is gone. That is a fundamentals problem, and the fundamentals are ours to fix.

Outside the tackle box and past the line of scrimmage -- Warren Moon satisfies both halves of the rule by a comfortable margin and there is not a flag anywhere on this field. Justin Jefferson spends all afternoon kicking, and then puts more touch on that throw than anybody has managed all quarter. Watch the safety bite on the run fake -- that is all Warren Moon needed. One high look, one window, Jake Ferguson sitting down in the back of the end zone. This is where seasons get decided -- one snap, no safety net, and Derrick Henry with the ball across the plane. Two.

Ball tucked, Jake Ferguson drops into a three-point stance facing the Cleveland Blank-Helmets bench and holds it. Just holds it. Their entire sideline is on the white line yelling. Warren Moon hauls him up by the belt and steers him away before the yellow comes out, and the crowd boos the peacemaking.

It is up, it is long enough, and it is NO GOOD. Cleveland Blank-Helmets miss it right of the upright by a foot, and this entire stadium reacted a half second before the officials did. Five yards straight up the gut, and the university professor celebrates it about as much as he celebrates moving something heavy from one room to another. Duo concept, double team on the nose, and the backside linebacker gets washed all the way out. Joe Biden runs into a hole that three of his teammates built for him. Patrick Mahomes works so fast that the crowd is still chanting about the touchdown when the football is already through.

Textbook from Jake Ferguson: he never goes for the body, he goes for the tomahawk on the throwing arm. Coaches run that clip on a loop. That is not a shove from Jake Ferguson, that is a grown man being driven into the ground like a tent stake. BOOM, Jake Ferguson bounces off the first tackler at the twenty-two, spins away from the second, and the last man with an angle is already out of the picture! Dak Prescott converts. Seven points on the drive.

The whole defensive unit has run the length of the field for this and arrives in two facing lines, arms raised into a tunnel. Jake Ferguson has to walk all of it, shaking every single hand, like a man leaving his own wedding. It takes eleven seconds. The play clock is running and the officials are shouting and every one of those handshakes is worth it.

Third and 9, they pick up 6. Jynxzi closes the door in space and the punt team comes on. Nothing but green! Jynxzi steps in front of the throw, gets to the sideline, and his teammates build a wall he never has to use! Dak Prescott jogs on, kicks it through, jogs off. If you blinked you missed the whole thing, and that is exactly the idea.

Whole receiving corps drops into a photo-booth strip: four different poses in four seconds, Jynxzi switching each one, everybody matching. Somebody in the group is a half beat behind on all four and it is, as usual, a lineman who followed them in. The gag ends with all of them face down on the turf and the crowd absolutely gone.

GRIND IT OUT! Joe Biden drops the pads, falls forward, and that defense can do nothing but watch the scoreboard bleed!

Warren Moon and Jynxzi do push-ups on the numbers while IShowSpeed counts out loud. The count jumps from six to nine. And here is the answer to our game show Welded in a Driveway! Odessa Trumbull of Slag Heap Junction, Pennsylvania, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Can a goalpost be repaired with a car jack and pure enthusiasm?' The answer was of course yes, once, and it must never be spoken of again. Odessa therefore wins a homemade goalpost welded out of two street signs by a man named Rick! I have not felt my toes since the thirty-minute mark. I will report back in the spring. Good night. Stay tuned for 'The Profit: Turning Around a Lemonade Stand With Aggressive Restructuring.'

Matchday 4 — vs New Orleans Bag-Heads

41-25 (W)

Third and 8, empty backfield, and Jake Ferguson takes him down before the route concept ever develops. Punt team. Press at the line, hip to hip down the numbers -- Jake Ferguson takes the release away and the throw never leaves the quarterback's hand. Right down the middle from thirty-four. New Orleans Bag-Heads caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

That is vision. The front seven overflows, the backside gap opens for half a second, and Derrick Henry is already standing in it. Big boy football right there. Derrick Henry takes the snap, gets his pad level under theirs, and the drive keeps breathing. You cannot ask a nickel corner to carry a tight end up the seam. Derrick Henry stacks him inside the five and the ball arrives over the shoulder the defender cannot find. Point after by Warren Moon is no good. The score stays at six on the drive.

The linemen have been waiting all year for this. All five of them wall up in the end zone and hit a shoulder-roll wave down the line, big men moving in sequence like a slow tide. Derrick Henry stands to the side and simply applauds. This is their moment and everybody in the building knows it.

Completion down the right sideline from Warren Moon, twenty-two yards, and the defender never turned his head around. There is a man out there getting paid a fortune to ruin quarterbacks, and Jake Ferguson has quietly turned him into a jogger. Play action, quick game off it from Warren Moon, and Jake Ferguson has a free release into the flat with nobody within five yards. Six on the board. The hold spun a half turn late, Warren Moon adjusted, and the adjustment is what killed it. Ball dies right of the upright.

You do not usually hire a university professor for demolition, but that run play was condemned on contact four yards deep. The university professor clocked in, walked straight through the left tackle, and clocked the opposing quarterback out. Ten yards of paid overtime. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for New Orleans Bag-Heads, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

There must be a training manual for being a rapper, and page one apparently says jump the out route right at the sticks. Screen game to the field side. IShowSpeed follows the guard, cuts off his hip at the thirty and finishes it untouched. Hold is upright, the spot never moves an inch, and Jake Ferguson hits it flush. Nothing about that operation was rushed.

Locker room. Jake Ferguson runs cold water over both forearms until the shaking stops. Did you know Jake Ferguson keeps a photo of his high school band section taped inside the locker? And now, our halftime TV game show The Joker's Mildly Annoyed! To win a deck of playing cards missing all four jacks, text BLITZ to 555-2153 and answer this question: 'What is the punishment for laughing during the two minute warning?' The kick is up. Third quarter is officially live.

Dak Prescott hit that pile like a dropped anchor, and the entire run game stopped moving right there. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. New Orleans Bag-Heads adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Timeout at 0:01 on the play clock, second one of the half. Warren Moon keeps the football and the down, and they will reset the call. Look at the break -- George Pickens drops his weight at fifteen and comes out of it dead flat, and Warren Moon already has the football in the air before his man turns his head. THAT IS GOOD, AND IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING ELSE! George Pickens from 29 and that ball never wobbles once.

Fingertips like that do not come from football practice. The youtuber does precision work all week and it showed up at the catch point. A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and New Orleans Bag-Heads stretches the lead.

Second miss of the afternoon for New Orleans Bag-Heads. That is a football team operating without a safety net now, and every fourth down from here just got harder. Heavy set, extra lineman, Derrick Henry behind the fullback for two. Ball spotted on the one-yard line. There is no elegance in that play and there is not supposed to be. Eleven bodies pushing in one direction, and Derrick Henry carries the football to the right side of a white line. The analytics chart said go for two. Warren Moon just made that chart look like a genius.

Both linemen arrive first, which never happens, and they get to the end zone before the man who scored. Derrick Henry has to wait for three hundred pounds of guard to finish a shoulder shimmy that would embarrass a wedding reception. The crowd loses it. The center attempts a split and is helped up by two teammates and a trainer.

Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. New Orleans Bag-Heads is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

HE BURIED HIM! Donald Trump drove him fifteen yards downfield and finished him flat on his back inside the numbers, and Derrick Henry is STILL running! Wide right. Derrick Henry knows it off the foot, and the entire sideline goes quiet with him.

He is UNBLOCKABLE right now! Jynxzi is in the backfield again and their offensive coordinator just slammed the call sheet down! Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. New Orleans Bag-Heads takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

Three-step drop, hitch route, and IShowSpeed was sitting on it the whole quarter. He has been baiting that throw since the opening series. There is a rapper out there whose whole reputation rests on never dropping anything, and he has just made the best case for himself yet. The rapper shows up, does the whole job in eleven seconds, and gets back on the bus. Three points, no overtime.

A stop was one snap away, and now Joe Biden has handed the other sideline field position it did nothing to earn. And the flag gets picked up. New Orleans Bag-Heads keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

They have first and ten and no room to operate. Derrick Henry sheds the block at the line of scrimmage and wraps up the ball carrier before he can get out. Safety, two points, and we get the football back.

That is a burned timeout, but it beats five yards. Warren Moon saw the protection was wrong and killed the play before it killed the drive. Look at that defensive line standing straight up out of their stance. That is exhaustion, and Warren Moon is the man who put it there. Warren Moon treats a 31-yarder the way you treat a light switch. Flip it, walk off, three points.

Warren Moon does a full slow-motion replay of his own run, backward, from the end zone toward the line of scrimmage, exaggerating every cut. Joe Biden runs alongside as the defender he beat, falling over in slow motion at the exact same spot. Frame for frame accurate. The building is in ruins.

PICKED OFF! Derrick Henry jumps that route like he called it in their huddle himself! The guard pulls, and there it is -- Derrick Henry runs the width of the backfield and kicks the edge defender all the way into the numbers. Nobody hires a university professor for his right leg. Fifty-four yards later, somebody probably should. Straight through, and that sideline detonates.

Derrick Henry takes the handoff, hits the A-gap, takes what is there and stays inbounds. Clock rolling. Sweep to the left, Derrick Henry for eleven, out of bounds at the thirty-eight.

Derrick Henry and IShowSpeed walk the head coach toward the Gatorade cooler. The coach negotiates the entire way. And here is the answer to our game show The Joker's Mildly Annoyed! Delton Duckworth of Hominy Flats, Oklahoma, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the punishment for laughing during the two minute warning?' The answer was of course nothing legally, but everybody will remember. Delton therefore wins a deck of playing cards missing all four jacks! I learned tonight that Derrick Henry used to be a university professor. Suddenly the footwork makes a lot more sense. That is all from us tonight. Stay tuned for 'Judge Judy: Who Ate the Labeled Sandwich.' Justice, at last.

Matchday 5 — vs Minnesota Silver-Horns

39-35 (W)

HE GOT A PIECE OF IT! Donald Trump arrives with the football, and their receiver is still asking for a flag that is never coming! Illegal substitution. Justin Jefferson is caught halfway to the sideline at the snap, and the flag is out immediately. Screen pass, one missed tackle at the thirty, and Minnesota Silver-Horns is gone. That is a fundamentals problem, and the fundamentals are ours to fix.

He CHECKS IT! Warren Moon at the line, screaming the new call, clapping his hands, and the entire defense just got outsmarted! Hands inside, hips under, drive through. Warren Moon wins the leverage battle at the snap and that defensive tackle is now a spectator on the turf. Joe Biden strikes it, both arms go straight up behind the goalposts, and this crowd gets the three points it came down here for.

Both linemen arrive first, which never happens, and they get to the end zone before the man who scored. Joe Biden has to wait for three hundred pounds of guard to finish a shoulder shimmy that would embarrass a wedding reception. The crowd loses it. The center attempts a split and is helped up by two teammates and a trainer.

Fifteen honest minutes of coverage undone by one snap. The university professor knows all about work that only gets noticed the day it goes wrong. And the flag gets picked up. Minnesota Silver-Horns keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

Third and one and they keep it on the ground. Joe Biden slides off the double team and stretches the football over the goal line. The entire building is watching the replay together, groaning and roaring at the same angles, while Jynxzi just paces. The replay runs four times on the big board, and four times this crowd gets a little louder for Jynxzi. Hold is upright, the spot never moves an inch, and IShowSpeed hits it flush. Nothing about that operation was rushed.

The rusher brought a spin, a rip and a plan. Donald Trump brought better feet, and that is the entire story of this drive. The investor stands there while a room full of officials studies his work in slow motion. Everybody gets a performance review; his is running on the videoboard. The catch rule again: Donald Trump has control, gets both feet down, but he has to hold it through contact with the ground and it squirms loose.

The tablets come out. Jynxzi and the quarterback are heads down over the coverage looks. Little secret: Jynxzi does the crossword at halftime. In pen. In full pads. And now, our halftime TV game show Storage Wars Equipment Shed! To win a padlocked equipment shed and absolutely no key to it, text BLITZ to 555-0084 and answer this question: 'What is inside the equipment shed that nobody has opened since 1979?' Out of the tunnel. Helmets on, chin straps buckled, no more talking.

Count them up, there are TWELVE out there! Warren Moon never got the signal to come off, and that is five yards! Field position, then penalties, then the score. Minnesota Silver-Horns has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

Second and 7, Warren Moon catches the snap in the gun and fires the quick game out to George Pickens for a gain of six. Chains keep crawling. Off tackle it is, the tight end seals the edge, and George Pickens is into the second level untouched! Clean snap, laces away, and George Pickens does exactly what he has done all season from that range. The hold was perfect and he rewarded it.

Alone in space with the ball carrier, and the university professor does not miss. Whatever he does for a living clearly does not tolerate missing. Sack, strip, recovery. Joe Biden does all three inside of two seconds, and this drive is dead on arrival. Twenty-two carries, twenty-two collisions. The university professor is the only man on this field who has to do that kind of work twice, because he clocks in again tomorrow morning. Joe Biden taps the point after through and this one is academic. Seven on the board.

Joe Biden spins the ball on the turf, drops to a crouch, and stares at it like it owes him an explanation. It spins for a genuinely absurd amount of time. The crowd counts along. When it finally falls over, seventy thousand people yell at once and Joe Biden walks off without looking back.

Officials, coaches, equipment staff, everybody is out there trying to pry this apart, and George Pickens is being dragged backwards by the jersey. Ohhh, that one hurts. Minnesota Silver-Horns runs the same counter they have run all afternoon, the backside end crashes again, and it is a touchdown.

NO SIR! Joe Biden gets a hand in at the last possible instant and that football hits the turf! Hear that? Dak Prescott gets home in two seconds flat, and now they have to hand us the football on a free kick from their own twenty!

Dak Prescott does a full slow-motion replay of his own run, backward, from the end zone toward the line of scrimmage, exaggerating every cut. Derrick Henry runs alongside as the defender he beat, falling over in slow motion at the exact same spot. Frame for frame accurate. The building is in ruins.

OH, THE BALL IS OUT! Dak Prescott takes the arm on the way down and the football is loose -- AND WE HAVE IT! Their corner had the angle and the leverage and it bought him absolutely nothing. That is a coverage player finding out Dak Prescott hits forty pounds heavier than the scouting report said. The throw was a rounding error. Everything after it belonged to Dak Prescott, who turned a checkdown into a highlight tape. Donald Trump converts. Seven points on the drive.

Same grip, same angle, a little more force each time. The university professor handles that goal line exactly like a lid that refuses to come off. Second and goal from the four. Inside zone, Joe Biden presses the edge, cuts it up underneath and gets in. Touchdown. Dak Prescott works so fast that the crowd is still chanting about the touchdown when the football is already through.

Jake Ferguson met that running back in a phone booth, and there was only ever room for one of them. This one is on the headsets, not the player. Jake Ferguson was sent out for a package that got waved off two seconds too late. Second time in three drives. Minnesota Silver-Horns punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

PANCAKE! Patrick Mahomes puts his man flat on his back and Derrick Henry runs straight through the crater! Jet motion, and Derrick Henry puts it in the belly of Justin Jefferson at a dead sprint! He is around the corner before the linebackers can flip their hips! FIFTY-FOUR YARDS AND HE HAS THE LEG! Justin Jefferson drills it and this place comes UNGLUED!

Man coverage cannot survive traffic. Warren Moon knows the rub is coming underneath and throws it into the pile with total confidence. The other sideline is pleading with the officials to hurry it along, and George Pickens is in absolutely no rush whatsoever. The edge is GONE and George Pickens is through it! That is a defensive front getting moved off the ball on national television!

Warren Moon lies flat on the turf, arms spread, staring up at the lights. IShowSpeed lies down beside him. Neither one speaks. And here is the answer to our game Storage Wars Equipment Shed! Rowena Tschudy of Crab Cake Bottom, Maryland, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is inside the equipment shed that nobody has opened since 1979?' The answer was of course tackling dummies, and they have organized. Rowena takes home a padlocked equipment shed and absolutely no key to it! Meanwhile, up here, I knocked my stat sheet off the desk in the second quarter and never saw it again. That's all for us. Next: 'Restaurant Impossible: Getting a Table Without a Reservation.' They fail.

Matchday 6 — vs Denver Orange-Barrels

29-23 (W)

The youtuber will not appear anywhere on the stat sheet, but he just removed a 320-pound obstruction from the work area and nobody even thanked him. He yanked it. Derrick Henry pulls the kick, the ball drifts outside the upright, and the field goal unit just stands there.

Fourth quarter, prime time, and Jynxzi rips the game right out of their hands. Their quarterback is still on the turf pointing at his own line! Full speed, no glance sideways, not a single wasted motion. Whoever taught that youtuber to hand something off like that deserves a plaque. The drive dies at the 12, but Justin Jefferson makes sure it was not a wasted trip down the field.

Justin Jefferson gets the ball to the mascot, who spikes it far better than any professional athlete has ever spiked a football. Justin Jefferson stands back and applauds honestly. Warren Moon lifts the mascot onto his shoulders. This is now a mascot's game and everybody accepts it.

Sack number, oh, does it even matter now? Jynxzi gets there AGAIN, and their right tackle is still looking for his helmet. This is the value of travel coverage: Jynxzi follows him everywhere, so the game plan they built all week is now scrap paper. Splits the uprights. Denver Orange-Barrels settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

First and goal from the three, Derrick Henry into the teeth of it, and he gets a yard and a half. Second and goal. This was a numbers game and the offense won it before the snap: an extra hat at the point of attack and Derrick Henry untouched from eleven yards out. Somewhere on that sideline a coordinator is doing arithmetic nobody ever wants to do, all because Donald Trump clanged the easiest kick in football.

Derrick Henry takes a knee, bows his head for a beat, then rises and points both hands to a single section in the upper deck. Somebody up there is holding a sign with his mother's name on it. The broadcast finds her in eleven seconds. She is destroyed and so is half the country watching.

Fingertips like that do not come from football practice. The investor does precision work all week and it showed up at the catch point. BOOM! Joe Biden comes off the edge untouched and puts the opposing quarterback in the dirt for a loss of nine! We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Denver Orange-Barrels, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

The tunnel. Warren Moon tosses the helmet to a ball boy and never breaks stride. Halftime show time: a pop act on a rolling stage that four crews shoved out to the fifty by hand. Nothing rises out of this field. Everything arrives on wheels. And now, our halftime TV game show Medium Rollers! To win a set of dice from a casino that became a carpet outlet, text BLITZ to 555-2241 and answer this question: 'How many times can a man say he is due before the dice hear him?' Third-quarter kickoff coming up. This is the stretch where games get decided.

Our coach burns a timeout to ice the Denver Orange-Barrels kicker, and it works. He drills the first one, then pulls the one that counts, and we get the ball back with the score unchanged. Seventy thousand people just made noise about a five-yard run, and that tells you everything -- Derrick Henry is wearing that defensive front out. HE IS IN! Derrick Henry takes the handoff, finds the crease in the B-gap and finishes it standing straight up! The 33-yard extra point stopped being free a long time ago, but George Pickens still treats it like it is. Right down the pipe.

Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. Denver Orange-Barrels is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

Second and 6, Patrick Mahomes pancakes the three-technique, and the run goes for eleven before anybody touches the ball carrier. Man coverage with no help inside -- Joe Biden saw that leverage from the huddle and cashed the free eight yards. Quick out, George Pickens catches it at his own forty-five, breaks the arm tackle and outruns the angle. Fifty-five yard touchdown on a throw that traveled four. Through the uprights! George Pickens adds the point after and the lead grows by one.

The hands tell the whole story -- Patrick Mahomes chops, rips underneath the outside shoulder, and the pocket collapses from the top down. Patrick Mahomes jogs backwards asking the official what exactly he was supposed to do out there. The referee already has the microphone down. Field position, then penalties, then the score. Denver Orange-Barrels has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

This building was ready to erupt and instead it just exhales. Warren Moon misses high over the middle and the sticks stay exactly where they were. Nobody suspects a university professor of running a con on fourth and 3, which is precisely why the con worked. Duo concept, double team on the nose, and the backside linebacker gets washed all the way out. George Pickens runs into a hole that three of his teammates built for him. Off the iron! Donald Trump rings the upright, the football caroms back toward the hash, and the whistle kills it right there. No good.

Look at the get-off from Dak Prescott -- he is two yards upfield before the center's hand leaves the football. You cannot block that. Five yards marched off. Dak Prescott was the twelfth man, and a third and 6 just turned into third and 1 for them. Play action freezes our linebackers, the tight end slips out behind them, and Denver Orange-Barrels scores with nobody in the picture. That is a bust, plain and simple.

Every carry from Derrick Henry is one more shovel of dirt in the same hole. Two yards at a time, the football game gets buried. Off tackle to the right, Derrick Henry for eight. First down at the forty-one.

Donald Trump runs over to the marching band and takes over the bass drum. It is not better. It is louder. And here is the answer to our game show Medium Rollers! Verlene Tolliver of Bootjack Springs, Nevada, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many times can a man say he is due before the dice hear him?' The answer was of course three, and the fourth time is no longer a habit but a personality. Verlene therefore wins a set of dice from a casino that became a carpet outlet! They told me this microphone would be replaced by tonight. They told me that in April. We're signing off here. Next: 'Nature: The Migration of Shopping Carts Across the Parking Lot.'

Matchday 7 — vs Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard

29-23 (W)

It is up, and it is through. Three more for Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

Jynxzi moves early. Five-yard penalty, same down, and the sideline is not thrilled. Rip! Jynxzi fires it low and away from the trailing corner, and George Pickens turns upfield for a few more before the safety arrives. Second and goal from the seven. Flat and corner combination, Warren Moon takes the corner route, and George Pickens catches it a yard deep with the pylon on his hip. Touchdown. Six feet. A university professor eyeballs six feet every single day of his life and gets it right. Not this time.

Jake Ferguson has turned the bench area into a mosh pit, and an official is politely asking everybody to get back behind the line. Start with the double team on the nose tackle -- that is why Justin Jefferson gets a clean crease. Inside zone, run exactly the way it is drawn.

Loss of four. Donald Trump makes the stop, the chains do not move, and their sideline is already talking about field goal range. This place is SHAKING! Donald Trump has been living in that backfield all night and every soul in here knows it! Splits the uprights. Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

This is why teams pay linemen real money. Patrick Mahomes drives his man five yards off the ball and Joe Biden gets a lane you could park a bus in. You can see it in the pad level. Joe Biden and the men beside him are coming off the ball lower than that front four, and this fight was decided in the second quarter. Second and goal from the two and they just punch it. Joe Biden behind the right guard, forward lean, football across the line. The loneliest job in football is the one where making it earns you nothing, and George Pickens just made it again.

Halftime. The coordinator upstairs is already on the headset with Patrick Mahomes's position group. Intel: Patrick Mahomes traded a game-worn jersey to an Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard player for a pair of cleats. Still thinks he won it. And now, our halftime TV game show Punt Stars! To win a previously owned mouthguard displayed in a small glass case, text BLITZ to 555-0219 and answer this question: 'How much can a person get for a used mouthguard, cash today?' It is a brand new game from here, and the kickoff proves it.

Watch this -- Warren Moon sees the safety creeping down, kills the run, and checks into a protection that picks the blitz up clean. Warren Moon seals the edge and finishes the block on the ground. Gain of nine on the carry. Fourth and 6 at the 15, field goal unit on, Derrick Henry converts from 33. Three points.

Second and 14. Patrick Mahomes with the tackle for loss, and that play call goes straight in the garbage. We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

Derrick Henry drops the shoulder and drives the pile to the one! You can hear that collision from the press box! Fourth and goal, football on the one. Derrick Henry gets it on the dive, climbs the back of his own center, and the officials put both arms straight up. Two-point attempt: George Pickens in from the two. It is good.

Helmets on the turf, referees buried in the middle of it, Dak Prescott disqualified. Whatever this game was about ten seconds ago, it is about something else now. Second time in three drives. Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

A youtuber lives and dies by timing, and he was a tenth of a second early on that one. Pass knocked down, drive stalled. The rapper backed somebody into a small space and would not let him out of it. Depending on the day of the week, that is either a safety or a very long conversation at work.

That is what the gloves were invented for, and George Pickens is the reason somebody keeps improving them. THAT IS GOOD, AND IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING ELSE! George Pickens from 29 and that ball never wobbles once.

Jynxzi was in a footrace he had already lost, so he tried to slow the traffic. The officials do not accept that excuse. Back shoulder fade at the pylon, and Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard comes down with it over a defender who had inside leverage and nothing behind him. Perfectly placed, and this one is on us.

Second and 8, heavy personnel, Derrick Henry for three. The play clock is the real weapon in this offense right now. He has GOT the corner! Their edge defender is on the ground, their safety takes the wrong angle, and nobody touches Derrick Henry until the numbers!

Derrick Henry takes the microphone from the field reporter and thanks his high school coach by name. Twice. And here is the answer to our game Punt Stars! Delmar Cubbage of Scrapple Corner, Delaware, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much can a person get for a used mouthguard, cash today?' The answer was of course nothing, and the shop will charge you to take it back. Delmar takes home a previously owned mouthguard displayed in a small glass case! I tried to take notes in the fourth quarter and produced two pages of pure scribble. The archive will not thank me. We're out of here. Next: 'The Great British Bake Off: Grocery Store Sheet Cake Division.'

Matchday 8 — vs New England Tuck-Rulers

35-29 (W)

Second and 14. Jake Ferguson with the tackle for loss, and that play call goes straight in the garbage. That is the third field goal of the day for New England Tuck-Rulers. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

Turnover! Derrick Henry punches it out at the top of the drop, then falls on his own mess at the 31-yard line. He STUCK it in there! Not one inch of daylight anywhere on that line and Derrick Henry finds a way through it anyway! Jake Ferguson taps the point after through and this one is academic. Seven on the board.

Three receivers set the pylons in a triangle and Derrick Henry bowls the football straight through them. Strike. All three go down. Donald Trump does the scoreboard signal with both hands while an official jogs in reaching for his flag and the whole bench falls over laughing.

Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. New England Tuck-Rulers takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

Freeze it at the stem -- Jake Ferguson does not bite on the double move, keeps his eyes on the hip, and turns to run before the receiver does. OH, THAT IS A GIFT AND HE UNWRAPPED IT! Justin Jefferson with the pick, and the whole sideline is coming over the bench! Credit the design here: two receivers crack the safeties, Warren Moon throws it on rhythm, and Justin Jefferson catches the ball with a convoy already in front of him. The 33-yard extra point stopped being free a long time ago, but Derrick Henry still treats it like it is. Right down the pipe.

A sharp tongue gets a investor through most difficult afternoons. Tonight it cost his football team fifteen yards and a fresh set of downs. You can see him committed and out of control before the whistle, but the rule book does not care about momentum after the play is over. Joe Biden has to peel off there. You cannot beat a good football team and the officiating crew at the same time. Patrick Mahomes is finding that out on national television.

Off the field. Jynxzi shakes hands with a side judge on the way up the tunnel. Halftime: a duet between a country singer and a pop star who clearly met about forty minutes ago. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Preseason Week Three! To win a boxed set of preseason highlights, all four minutes of it, text BLITZ to 555-0060 and answer this question: 'How many people watch preseason week three on purpose?' Back on the field. Whatever was said in there, the body language has changed.

Four-man rush, nobody blitzed. Donald Trump wins a one-on-one in under two and a half seconds, and that is how you wreck a game plan. Donald Trump has that receiver on a short leash, and the leash has not moved an inch since the opening kickoff. Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. New England Tuck-Rulers is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

Neutral zone infraction on the defense, five yards. Warren Moon never had to snap it. Nine route from the boundary against off coverage. Warren Moon eats the cushion, stacks the corner, and the football drops over his outside shoulder. Fifty-three yards, touchdown. IShowSpeed looks at the holder, the holder looks at the grass, and neither of them has one useful thing to offer the other.

Incomplete. Dak Prescott breaks it up on third down, and the punt unit starts to jog on. Right down the middle from thirty-four. New England Tuck-Rulers caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

The signal came down from the box far too late. Warren Moon could not match the personnel to the look, and there is no shame at all in saving the yardage. Second and six, Warren Moon off the right hip of the tackle, gain of seven. First down, and the chains are on the move again. The punt team already had one foot on the field. Warren Moon sends them back to the bench with three points instead.

Warren Moon spikes it, Derrick Henry spikes it, and then every man in the end zone spikes something -- a towel, a glove, a mouthpiece, an entirely imaginary object. It is a spiking epidemic. Turf pellets are hanging in the air like smoke. Three officials stand at the edge of it and simply wait for the weather to pass.

Fourth and 4, they go to their number one, and Dak Prescott says absolutely not. Ball on the ground, ball back to us. Second and long just got worse. Jynxzi with the sack, seven yards back, and the chains are a memory. We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for New England Tuck-Rulers, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

Warren Moon pops right back up and taps his own chest. He is telling that huddle the sack was on him, and not many quarterbacks do that. Look at the alignment -- the personal protector shifts, their return team turns and leaks upfield, and Donald Trump has Jake Ferguson running free off the edge for an easy 14. Warren Moon pumps, the linebacker jumps, and Jake Ferguson is WIDE OPEN in the back corner! Easiest six points anybody scores today! NO GOOD?! THE EXTRA POINT?! Warren Moon pushes it and this stadium has no idea what it just watched.

This one is on the headsets, not the player. Jynxzi was sent out for a package that got waved off two seconds too late. Field position, then penalties, then the score. New England Tuck-Rulers has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

Third quarter, twenty-first carry, and Joe Biden is still falling forward at the end of every single one of them. THAT IS GOOD, AND IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING ELSE! Joe Biden from 29 and that ball never wobbles once.

A youtuber lives and dies by timing, and he was a tenth of a second early on that one. Pass knocked down, drive stalled. Illegal substitution. Joe Biden is caught halfway to the sideline at the snap, and the flag is out immediately. Back shoulder fade at the pylon, and New England Tuck-Rulers comes down with it over a defender who had inside leverage and nothing behind him. Perfectly placed, and this one is on us.

Completion to the boundary from Warren Moon to Jake Ferguson, gain of thirteen, both feet down inside the white and the rest of him already out. Jake Ferguson in the open field, one man to beat, and he leaves him GRABBING AIR! Ankles all over the turf! You can hear the strike all the way up in the press box, and Jake Ferguson watches his own football still climbing as it passes the 20.

This is the least glamorous football on the planet and it wins games. Joe Biden into the interior for two, and another forty seconds disappear off the top.

Donald Trump pours a full water bottle over his own head. Warren Moon points out that the Gatorade is right there. And here is the answer to our game Match Game Preseason Week Three! Purvis Hunsucker of Preseason, Nebraska, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many people watch preseason week three on purpose?' The answer was of course two hundred and eleven, and every one of them is related to a long snapper. Purvis takes home a boxed set of preseason highlights, all four minutes of it! I found out at halftime that Donald Trump once worked as a university professor. I have thought about nothing else since. Sorry about the third quarter. Thanks for watching, and enjoy what's left of your evening. And now, tonight's feature presentation: 'Fast and Furious 48: Finding the Exit in the Stadium Parking Structure.'

Matchday 9 — vs Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing

26-18 (W)

Not one yard. The youtuber met the ball carrier in the hole, and their run game would like to file a complaint. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Everything about this run is decided before contact. The fullback kicks out the force defender and Derrick Henry only has to stay patient for one beat. Derrick Henry gets every bit of that ball, and the trajectory tells you at the 30 that it is going to clear with room to spare.

Loss of four. Patrick Mahomes makes the stop, the chains do not move, and their sideline is already talking about field goal range. Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

There is the CREASE! Derrick Henry bounces off the seal and gets all the way to the numbers before the safety can close! Third and eleven, one-handed grab by Derrick Henry for eighteen. First down at the thirty-seven. Oh, he is a MATCHUP PROBLEM! Warren Moon throws it up where only his guy can reach it and Derrick Henry snatches it away from a man who gave up four inches! You can see Joe Biden on his knees at the goal line with his helmet down. That one yard is going to sit in his chest for a while.

One step over the goal line and Derrick Henry drops into the dance whole internet already knows, hands low, feet blurring. Six teammates arrive and join it in a ragged line. The offensive line is two full beats behind and does not care. Seventy thousand people are doing it in the seats and none of them are doing it well.

Back-shoulder, and Patrick Mahomes smells it coming. He plants, opens the hips, and knocks it away in the corner of the end zone. We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

Locker room. George Pickens re-laces both cleats from scratch. Then does it again. The field crew is racing the clock. Build a stage, play a show, and make every last cable disappear before the officials come back out. And now, our halftime TV game show Truth or Pass Interference! To win a penalty flag that has been washed one time with a red sock, text BLITZ to 555-0398 and answer this question: 'What is the penalty for illegal use of enthusiasm?' Everybody is back in position, and the lights feel a little brighter than they did an hour ago.

Single high safety, and Warren Moon attacked the one blade of grass that coverage shell cannot defend. Perfect timing on the shot play. George Pickens reads the low tackle attempt and steps right over the top of it. Feet clean, ball secure, no interruption in the stride. George Pickens treats a 31-yarder the way you treat a light switch. Flip it, walk off, three points.

George Pickens sets the ball down on the pylon, backs up ten yards, and lines it up like a putt. He reads the break. He actually reads the break. Donald Trump tends the imaginary flag while the referee walks over with a flag of a very different kind.

It is up, and it is through. Three more for Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

Bounce it OUTSIDE! Joe Biden sees the pursuit overrun the play, hits the sideline and dives at the pylon for the score! Official review. The Joe Biden play. Both coordinators are out on the numbers with their call sheets rolled up in a fist. Ninety seconds of doubt, one second of relief. Joe Biden points up at the crowd and the touchdown counts. The rapper has made that same small motion ten thousand times. Number ten thousand and one sails right of the upright.

Jynxzi folded that pocket like a lawn chair, and the opposing quarterback never saw the ceiling coming down. The youtuber was handed the single hardest assignment on this field and treated it like an ordinary shift. No drama, no safety help, no completions. A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing stretches the lead.

That football sat on the turf for half a second looking for an owner, and Patrick Mahomes adopted it and carried it home. Derrick Henry gets to the pylon and reaches the ball across before the tackler can wrap him up. Two-point conversion is GOOD.

Twelve plays, seven minutes, and Joe Biden has touched it on nearly every one of them. That defense has hands on knees.

Incomplete. Dak Prescott breaks it up on third down, and the punt unit starts to jog on. Nobody on that offensive line got the memo they had a university professor booked for the afternoon. Two seconds of work, one flattened pocket. Splits the uprights. Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

Justin Jefferson and Jake Ferguson hoist Dak Prescott onto their shoulders. He immediately asks to come down. And here is the answer to our game Truth or Pass Interference! Bernice Twaddle of Elbow Grease, Minnesota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the penalty for illegal use of enthusiasm?' The answer was of course five yards, and everybody involved has to sit down for a minute. Bernice takes home a penalty flag that has been washed one time with a red sock! My headset picked up the coaches' channel for about eleven seconds in the third quarter. I am taking that to my grave. That's a wrap. Up next: 'Deadliest Catch: Retrieving a Phone from Between the Car Seats.'

Matchday 10 — vs Seattle Seismographs

17-18 (L)

He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Patrick Mahomes recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. Sack number, oh, does it even matter now? Jynxzi gets there AGAIN, and their right tackle is still looking for his helmet. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Seattle Seismographs, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

Smart process from Warren Moon: he knows the safety is late, he gives Justin Jefferson a chance, and the coverage has to grab or get beaten clean. The interior of that defensive line is getting worn down, and Justin Jefferson is the reason. Every carry has moved the pile the same direction. OVER THE TOP! Justin Jefferson goes airborne from the one and comes down with the nose of the football across the plane -- touchdown! Derrick Henry converts. Seven points on the drive.

Beautiful key read. Derrick Henry sees the guard pull, runs the mesh point down, and meets the back before the handoff is even clean. This place is SHAKING! Derrick Henry has been living in that backfield all night and every soul in here knows it! A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Seattle Seismographs stretches the lead.

Warren Moon takes the shot down the seam and the corner never turns his head -- FLAG! Pass interference, and George Pickens has drawn a monster. It is a redwood forest in there and George Pickens keeps trying to throw a fastball through the branches. Prime time, road crowd, and George Pickens just backed them all the way up to their own goal line. Our sideline is standing on the bench.

Perfect technique from Derrick Henry -- he plays the ball, not the man, and there is not a flag anywhere on this field. That is the third field goal of the day for Seattle Seismographs. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

Halftime. Jake Ferguson has a knot on his forearm the size of a golf ball and mentions it to nobody. The t-shirt cannons are out and section 118 is behaving like nothing else in this building matters. And now, our halftime TV game show Doug's Grocery Games! To win a shopping cart filled with items chosen entirely at random, text BLITZ to 555-2448 and answer this question: 'What is the one item every person at a tailgate assumes somebody else brought?' Both sidelines are packed and loud again. Time to play.

Escort service! Patrick Mahomes is out in front of Joe Biden and the ball carrier does not have to make a single cut until he is fifteen yards downfield! That is a five-yard cushion on a 55-yarder. Joe Biden did not just make it, he had another division of distance in the tank.

Joe Biden gets the ball to the mascot, who spikes it far better than any professional athlete has ever spiked a football. Joe Biden stands back and applauds honestly. Patrick Mahomes lifts the mascot onto his shoulders. This is now a mascot's game and everybody accepts it.

BOOM! Derrick Henry comes off the edge untouched and puts the opposing quarterback in the dirt for a loss of nine! Erased. Derrick Henry has travelled with their number one all afternoon and that man has not seen a football since the coin toss. We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Seattle Seismographs, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

This is what happens when you play that soft on third and three. Warren Moon takes the free completion, George Pickens makes the first man miss, and the alley is empty. George Pickens taps the point after through and this one is academic. Seven on the board. It is the second quarter and George Pickens is celebrating like the confetti has already been ordered. That yellow flag lands at his feet like an invitation nobody wanted.

He is UNBLOCKABLE right now! IShowSpeed is in the backfield again and their offensive coordinator just slammed the call sheet down! Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Seattle Seismographs adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Warren Moon has to climb that pocket and build himself a throwing lane. Flat-footed, off the low platform, that is a gift to the defensive front. No outkicked coverage here: Derrick Henry gets it away in 1.9 seconds and the gunners arrive before the football does. Muffed punt, recovered by Patrick Mahomes. Offense takes over at the 28. Patrick Mahomes does not run away from tacklers. He runs straight through the neighborhood they happen to be standing in.

Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. Seattle Seismographs is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

Two square feet of legal real estate out there, and Justin Jefferson used every inch of it. Justin Jefferson had the arm for it. What he did not have was a body in the right square of grass -- nobody boxed out, and it fell straight through the middle of the pile.

Justin Jefferson throws the wristband playsheet in the trash on the way in. Derrick Henry quietly fishes it back out. And here is the answer to our game show Doug's Grocery Games! Earnestine Kluttz of Yellow Bank Crossing, Iowa, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the one item every person at a tailgate assumes somebody else brought?' The answer was of course napkins, and there have never once been napkins. Earnestine therefore wins a shopping cart filled with items chosen entirely at random! Tonight I stood for the entire second half. Not for the drama. My chair collapsed. Thanks for watching. Straight into 'Naked and Afraid: The Airport Rental Car Counter.'

Matchday 11 — vs Pittsburgh Dish-Towels

30-34 (L)

Back-shoulder, and Dak Prescott smells it coming. He plants, opens the hips, and knocks it away in the corner of the end zone. The hands tell the whole story -- Dak Prescott chops, rips underneath the outside shoulder, and the pocket collapses from the top down. Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. Pittsburgh Dish-Towels is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

Two-gap discipline from IShowSpeed: he holds his ground, sheds the double team late, and makes the tackle right on the football. THE BALL IS OUT -- and Warren Moon scoops it at a dead sprint! He does not even break stride on his way into the end zone! Dak Prescott taps the point after through and this one is academic. Seven on the board.

That is the third field goal of the day for Pittsburgh Dish-Towels. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

TIMEOUT, TIMEOUT! Warren Moon gets both arms up with one second on the play clock and this sideline just aged a decade! Third and 8 with 1:12 showing, Warren Moon hits the out route and the receiver steps out at the 41. Clock stopped, timeouts intact. Watch the plant foot -- George Pickens puts it right beside the ball, no lean, no hook. Inside 40 that is a rehearsed motion, not a kick.

Pittsburgh Dish-Towels goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

Second quarter done. IShowSpeed spits the mouthpiece out and reaches for a bottle. Did you know? IShowSpeed has never watched a single replay of his own rookie season. Not one snap. And now, our halftime TV game show Win, Lose, or Kneel! To win a church kneeling pad repurposed for the sideline, text BLITZ to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'What is the sound of a quarterback taking a knee?' The ball is teed up. One whistle away from football again.

THERE IT IS! Derrick Henry sticks that foot in the ground on the far hash and there is nothing but green all the way to the safety! Listen to this place ROAR! Derrick Henry carried out that fake so convincingly the safety is still hunting for the football! Intercepted. Jake Ferguson now has two picks on the afternoon.

BOOM! Patrick Mahomes comes off the edge untouched and puts the opposing quarterback in the dirt for a loss of nine! That is a killer. Patrick Mahomes turns late, the receiver runs through him, and the flag is in the air before the ball comes down. The chains kept moving and nothing we tried slowed it down. Fourteen plays, seven minutes off the clock, and Pittsburgh Dish-Towels finishes the drive with six.

SECOND EFFORT from Joe Biden! He is stopped, he is not down, and he churns three more feet before the whistle! The pile stops moving and Joe Biden keeps churning his legs for another half yard anyway. That right there is the difference between three points and six. That is the one kick you are not allowed to miss, and Jynxzi missed it. Six instead of seven, and that math is going to matter later.

Joe Biden spins the ball on the turf, drops to a crouch, and stares at it like it owes him an explanation. It spins for a genuinely absurd amount of time. The crowd counts along. When it finally falls over, seventy thousand people yell at once and Joe Biden walks off without looking back.

The head coach grabs Derrick Henry by the shoulder pads and physically turns him toward the tunnel. That is what leadership looks like once everything has gone sideways. Six for Pittsburgh Dish-Towels. Nobody carried the crosser, and that was a walk-in from twelve yards out.

Three completions, two of them out of bounds, one timeout still in hand. Warren Moon has this exactly where the staff drew it up on Wednesday. Play action out of a heavy set pulls both linebackers downhill. Warren Moon leaks out on the backside and there is not a defender within eight yards of him. A university professor does not really know the word cautious, and neither did that play call. Two points.

Ball tucked, Warren Moon drops into a three-point stance facing the Pittsburgh Dish-Towels bench and holds it. Just holds it. Their entire sideline is on the white line yelling. Justin Jefferson hauls him up by the belt and steers him away before the yellow comes out, and the crowd boos the peacemaking.

Beautiful key read. Jynxzi sees the guard pull, runs the mesh point down, and meets the back before the handoff is even clean. Jynxzi was one body too many, and the umpire had him tagged before the football ever moved. Field position, then penalties, then the score. Pittsburgh Dish-Towels has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

HELMET ON, CHIN STRAP BUCKLED! Warren Moon is taking this offense the length of the field and every single person in here knows it! Duo concept, double team on the nose, and the backside linebacker gets washed all the way out. Warren Moon runs into a hole that three of his teammates built for him. The university professor got that job 97 percent done, which anywhere else on earth counts as finished and out here is worth precisely nothing.

Warren Moon mimes a cigar length of a forearm and Joe Biden arrives to cup both hands around an invisible match. The lighting takes a while -- there is wind in the end zone, apparently. Warren Moon takes one enormous pull, tips his head back, and blows a plume of nothing straight up at the lights. The Pittsburgh Dish-Towels bench watches all of it and does not enjoy a second of it.

Jake Ferguson has the flat voice of a man reading a grocery list. Warren Moon has no voice left to flatten. And here is the answer to our game Win, Lose, or Kneel! Clyde Pettengill of Quahog Flats, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the sound of a quarterback taking a knee?' The answer was of course forty thousand people putting on their coats at the exact same time. Clyde takes home a church kneeling pad repurposed for the sideline! The press box elevator has been broken since August. Nine flights, every week, all season. My calves say hello. Thanks for watching, and enjoy what's left of your evening. And now, tonight's feature presentation: 'Fast and Furious 48: Finding the Exit in the Stadium Parking Structure.'

Matchday 12 — vs Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof

21-22 (L)

The investor showed up in the backfield before the running back did. In his line of work they call that beating the traffic. The investor clocked in, walked straight through the left tackle, and clocked the opposing quarterback out. Ten yards of paid overtime. It is up, and it is through. Three more for Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

There is no rule against this. Derrick Henry asked for it, this city delivered it, and the visitors are drowning in it.

NO SIR! Jake Ferguson gets a hand in at the last possible instant and that football hits the turf! Right down the middle from thirty-four. Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

LOOK at that pocket! IShowSpeed has built a living room back there and his quarterback is choosing a target at his own pace! Thirty-two yards is the rapper version of a task he could finish half asleep with one tool missing. Dead center.

Penetration on the strong side by Jake Ferguson, the pulling guard grabs nothing but air, and the whole run concept dies on the hash marks. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

The teams head in. Jynxzi unbuckles the chin strap and lets it hang the whole way. Backstage: the artist's rider asks for a space heater and eleven bananas. Eleven. Not ten, not twelve. And now, our halftime TV game show Dialing for Nickels! To win a rotary telephone shaped like a mallard, text BLITZ to 555-2117 and answer this question: 'What is the correct number of rings before a coach gives up on a phone call?' Third quarter about to start. The team that deferred finally gets its football.

Warren Moon points out the mike linebacker, changes the call with eight seconds showing, and the offense resets its feet. That defender went down like a stack of empty crates, and Warren Moon never so much as broke stride. Watch the plant foot -- Joe Biden puts it right beside the ball, no lean, no hook. Inside 40 that is a rehearsed motion, not a kick.

Joe Biden sets the ball down on the pylon, backs up ten yards, and lines it up like a putt. He reads the break. He actually reads the break. Justin Jefferson tends the imaginary flag while the referee walks over with a flag of a very different kind.

The defensive front showed up talking. IShowSpeed has spent two hours quietly walking them backwards, and the talking has stopped. Elbows first, discussion afterwards. That is how a rapper wins the last space in the supply closet, and it is how he just won that football. Everybody in the building tracks the flight, nobody breathes, and then IShowSpeed hears the roar behind him. Good from 52.

IShowSpeed doesn't celebrate. He hands the ball to the nearest official, taps him on the shoulder pad, and jogs to the sideline like a man returning a library book. Warren Moon is screaming in his face the entire way and getting nothing back. The silence of it somehow makes the crowd louder.

He played the eyes the entire way. Jake Ferguson never looked at the receiver -- he broke on the shoulder turn and the football came to him. Jake Ferguson pulled, found the only defender who actually mattered, and put him on skates. Joe Biden handled the easy part after that. From 51, on the road, into the open end of this stadium. Joe Biden makes it. Three points.

The whole squad drops into a huddle in the end zone, heads down, hands in, and holds it silently while the crowd waits. Then they break upward all at once with a roar and the ball goes straight up in the air. Joe Biden is in the middle of it with his helmet off. Somebody's mouthguard lands twenty yards away and nobody goes and gets it.

Sack number, oh, does it even matter now? Jake Ferguson gets there AGAIN, and their right tackle is still looking for his helmet. No targets, no catches, no yards. Jake Ferguson is having the kind of quiet game that wins football games. A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof stretches the lead.

Warren Moon pulled the emergency brake with the front wheel already off the cliff. Expensive, sure, but the bus is still on the road. Warren Moon put that football on the white paint, which is the football version of hanging up before a meeting runs long. No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Jake Ferguson. Down the middle from 36.

Jake Ferguson doesn't celebrate. He hands the ball to the nearest official, taps him on the shoulder pad, and jogs to the sideline like a man returning a library book. Joe Biden is screaming in his face the entire way and getting nothing back. The silence of it somehow makes the crowd louder.

He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Patrick Mahomes recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. Third and 8, empty backfield, and Jake Ferguson takes him down before the route concept ever develops. Punt team. Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

They wanted the seam. Dak Prescott took the seam, took the football, and took eleven yards back the other way before the whistle. Yards after catch are the most valuable yards in this sport, and Dak Prescott is collecting them by the fistful tonight. Dak Prescott strikes it, both arms go straight up behind the goalposts, and this crowd gets the three points it came down here for.

Joe Biden is wrestling a couch up a stairwell out there. Ugly, heavy, and it always ends up where it was going. Fourth and 6 at the 15, field goal unit on, Joe Biden converts from 33. Three points.

Joe Biden points one finger at the sky and holds it, helmet off, eyes shut, standing dead still while the stadium comes apart around him. Nobody touches him for four full seconds. Then Jynxzi wraps him up from behind and lifts him clean off the ground, and the noise doubles.

A youtuber lives and dies by timing, and he was a tenth of a second early on that one. Pass knocked down, drive stalled. Twelve men on the field, and the rapper was the spare one. Nobody on that sideline thought to tell him he was surplus. And the flag gets picked up. Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

Dak Prescott passes off the stunt cleanly, the pocket holds its shape, and the football goes out on time. No good. Dak Prescott from 48, missed left by a yard. The snap was clean, the hold was clean, the kick was not.

George Pickens and Jake Ferguson sit shoulder to shoulder in full pads. Neither one moves for a very long time. And here is the answer to our game show Dialing for Nickels! Beulah Mae Culpepper of Coldwater Fork, Mississippi, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the correct number of rings before a coach gives up on a phone call?' The answer was of course two, because the third ring is where hope lives. Beulah Mae therefore wins a rotary telephone shaped like a mallard! Tonight I drank a coffee that had been sitting there since warmups. I regret it and I would do it again. We're out. Stay with us for 'Kitchen Nightmares: My Roommate Made Soup Again.'

Matchday 13 — vs Green Bay Shareholders

12-15 (L)

Look at the get-off from Jake Ferguson -- he is two yards upfield before the center's hand leaves the football. You cannot block that. Third and 8, empty backfield, and Jake Ferguson takes him down before the route concept ever develops. Punt team. Right down the middle from thirty-four. Green Bay Shareholders caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

Look at that sideline -- everybody waving both arms, the coach halfway onto the field, and Warren Moon standing perfectly still while it all happens around him. Smart, disciplined football from Warren Moon. He takes the boundary instead of the middle, because the middle of the field bleeds seconds. Fourth and 6 at the 15, field goal unit on, Jake Ferguson converts from 33. Three points.

Jake Ferguson spins the ball on the turf, drops to a crouch, and stares at it like it owes him an explanation. It spins for a genuinely absurd amount of time. The crowd counts along. When it finally falls over, seventy thousand people yell at once and Jake Ferguson walks off without looking back.

Patrick Mahomes folded that pocket like a lawn chair, and the opposing quarterback never saw the ceiling coming down. Patrick Mahomes arrives at the same time as the football, and that throw goes nowhere but the dirt.

He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Patrick Mahomes recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. This place is SHAKING! Jynxzi has been living in that backfield all night and every soul in here knows it! Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. Green Bay Shareholders takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

The pressure was coming off the boundary. Warren Moon saw it, flipped the protection, and suddenly the free rusher had a body standing in his way. The whole offensive line is pointing at him! Big men live for that, and Warren Moon just gave the entire unit something to howl about! The drive dies at the 12, but Joe Biden makes sure it was not a wasted trip down the field.

Joe Biden drops flat on his back in the end zone and makes a snow angel in turf that has never seen snow. Patrick Mahomes lies down beside him and does the same. Two men making angels in green rubber pellets while a defensive coordinator on the other sideline throws his headset into the ground.

Halftime. Joe Biden grabs a bag of ice and jams it under the elbow pad. Halftime: two hundred high schoolers in wool uniforms in this weather. Respect where it is owed. And now, our halftime TV game show Doug's Grocery Games! To win a shopping cart filled with items chosen entirely at random, text BLITZ to 555-2448 and answer this question: 'What is the one item every person at a tailgate assumes somebody else brought?' Back on the field. Whatever was said in there, the body language has changed.

A youtuber lives and dies by timing, and he was a tenth of a second early on that one. Pass knocked down, drive stalled. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Green Bay Shareholders, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

Interception, Donald Trump, at the 40. Our offense comes back out with a short field and a live crowd. Somebody holds a door open for the investor and he walks through it without slowing down and without saying thank you. Eight yards. THAT IS GOOD, AND IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING ELSE! Donald Trump from 29 and that ball never wobbles once.

Slow, deliberate, ceremonial: Donald Trump places the football on the goal line, straightens it twice, then steps back and salutes it. The bench salutes with him. Fourteen men at attention over a football. The referee has to break the formation up personally.

The investor is not even on the field for that snap and he is running the whole sideline. Some people simply do not have an off switch.

THAT IS A WALL! Jake Ferguson and the front seven meet them square at the point of attack, and there is no crease to be found! We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Green Bay Shareholders, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

This is a coordinator punishing an aggressive front. Joe Biden counts to one, lets the rushers clear, and the A-gap opens like a curtain. Third and 7, four-man rush, zero pressure off the left edge. Joe Biden takes the shutout. No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Joe Biden. Down the middle from 36.

BLOWN UP IN THE BACKFIELD! Derrick Henry shoots the A-gap and drops him four yards behind the line of scrimmage! It is up, and it is through. Three more for Green Bay Shareholders, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

Handoff to Joe Biden, straight ahead, gain of five. Second and five, clock running. Measured down to the link, and the university professor is on the right side of it by the width of a fingernail. Precision is the entire trade. Hauling objects nobody else will go anywhere near is half of what a university professor does for a living, and it shows -- that defender is still down there thinking about it.

Warren Moon watches the Green Bay Shareholders team photo from the mouth of the tunnel. Derrick Henry pulls him inside. And here is the answer to our game show Doug's Grocery Games! Earnestine Kluttz of Yellow Bank Crossing, Iowa, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the one item every person at a tailgate assumes somebody else brought?' The answer was of course napkins, and there have never once been napkins. Earnestine therefore wins a shopping cart filled with items chosen entirely at random! Tonight I drank a coffee that had been sitting there since warmups. I regret it and I would do it again. We appreciate the evening. Coming up: 'Face Off: Two Coworkers and One Thermostat.'

Matchday 14 — vs Buffalo Table-Breakers

21-17 (W)

The whole front flows inside and Joe Biden takes it the other way around the corner. Nobody set the edge, nobody had contain. Clean snap, laces away, and Joe Biden does exactly what he has done all season from that range. The hold was perfect and he rewarded it.

Whole receiving corps drops into a photo-booth strip: four different poses in four seconds, Joe Biden switching each one, everybody matching. Somebody in the group is a half beat behind on all four and it is, as usual, a lineman who followed them in. The gag ends with all of them face down on the turf and the crowd absolutely gone.

That is a violent arrival. Patrick Mahomes gets there at the same instant as the football and the receiver hears every bit of it -- they will not be throwing many more his way tonight. This place is SHAKING! Warren Moon has been living in that backfield all night and every soul in here knows it! Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Buffalo Table-Breakers adds three and this becomes a chess match.

The official points at the bench, holds up one finger, and the message could not be clearer. George Pickens nods and passes it down the row. Terrible discipline. Whatever got said in that pile, George Pickens answered it with a fist, and the league office will answer him on Monday.

That is a coverage disguise and a half. Derrick Henry shows two-high, spins down into the flat, and the opposing quarterback throws it right to him. The throw from Warren Moon is a foot outside where it needs to be, and Derrick Henry turns it into a completion anyway. No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Derrick Henry. Down the middle from 36.

The youtuber read that concept the way he reads the first ten minutes of a Monday: he knows what is coming and he gets there early. The youtuber was asked for five yards and quietly delivered twenty-five more. Call it pride, call it showing off, either way the chains moved. Jynxzi treats a 31-yarder the way you treat a light switch. Flip it, walk off, three points.

The break. The strength coach checks on IShowSpeed first thing through the door. Fun fact: IShowSpeed owns a JUGS machine. A personal one. In the driveway. The neighbors have filed opinions. And now, our halftime TV game show That Is Somewhat Incredible! To win a scoreboard bulb the size of a mailbox, still warm, text BLITZ to 555-2188 and answer this question: 'How many stacked linemen would it take to reach the top of the scoreboard?' The sidelines are stacked and standing. Kickoff.

A rapper lives and dies by timing, and he was a tenth of a second early on that one. Pass knocked down, drive stalled. Warren Moon was one body too many, and the umpire had him tagged before the football ever moved. Screen pass, one missed tackle at the thirty, and Buffalo Table-Breakers is gone. That is a fundamentals problem, and the fundamentals are ours to fix.

Joe Biden takes the handoff, hits the A-gap, and there is NOBODY bringing him down at first contact! Five hard ones! Fourth and 6 at the 15, field goal unit on, Joe Biden converts from 33. Three points.

The youtuber clocked in, walked straight through the left tackle, and clocked the opposing quarterback out. Ten yards of paid overtime. Grabbing on late and hoping for mercy -- the youtuber has talked his way out of worse, but never out of a spot foul. Back shoulder fade at the pylon, and Buffalo Table-Breakers comes down with it over a defender who had inside leverage and nothing behind him. Perfectly placed, and this one is on us.

Not one person bought a ticket to watch pass protection, and Patrick Mahomes is winning that assignment in total silence, snap after snap, and his name will not come up once tonight. Patrick Mahomes gets the strike he wanted and it hits a forearm two yards in front of him. Ugly, loud, and no good.

Warren Moon read that front like a menu and ordered the one thing the kitchen could not refuse. HE BURIED HIM! Warren Moon drove him fifteen yards downfield and finished him flat on his back inside the numbers, and Derrick Henry is STILL running! Derrick Henry strikes it, both arms go straight up behind the goalposts, and this crowd gets the three points it came down here for.

Derrick Henry spikes the ball so hard it comes off the turf and clears the crossbar behind him. He watches it go, arms out, genuinely surprised at himself. Dak Prescott sprints past and dives headfirst into the end zone paint for no reason at all. The stadium is a wall of noise before anybody remembers there is an extra point to kick.

Warren Moon climbs the pocket, checks it down to Derrick Henry, wrapped up after a gain of five. Derrick Henry attacks the intermediate middle, hits Justin Jefferson on the deep cross, and he is dragged down at the far hash for nineteen. HOUSE CALL! Five yard throw from Warren Moon, forty yard run from Justin Jefferson, and a hitch route just went the distance! Ask any investor about the one small thing he got wrong in front of everybody. He still hears about it. This one loops until Thursday.

The touchdown is barely over the line before Justin Jefferson is on one knee, ball held out in front of him, proposing to Jynxzi. Jynxzi covers his mouth with both hands, nods, then falls backward into the arms of three linemen. This is a bit they have run since training camp and it kills every single time.

Hand it to Derrick Henry, let him take what is there, huddle slow, snap it at two. Repeat until the horn. That is the entire playbook at the moment. That is a gorgeous kick-out block, and Derrick Henry does the rest -- foot in the ground, north and south, nine yards.

George Pickens salutes the student section. Dak Prescott salutes the concession stand. And here is the answer to our game show That Is Somewhat Incredible! Pearline Odom of Sand Gnat Junction, Georgia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many stacked linemen would it take to reach the top of the scoreboard?' The answer was of course nine, though only the bottom two would ever speak of it again. Pearline therefore wins a scoreboard bulb the size of a mailbox, still warm! Tonight I ate nachos out of a plastic helmet. That is the whole story. That is the entire confession. We're done here. Coming up: 'Home Town: Painting Over the Wallpaper Because Removing It Is Impossible.'

Matchday 15 — vs Philadelphia Pole-Greasers

14-20 (L)

Roughing the passer. Fifteen yards, automatic first down, and Warren Moon gets up slowly but he gets up. Snap, hitch, THROW! Warren Moon puts it on the numbers of George Pickens and this offense has found a heartbeat! That ball dropped in like a key sliding into a lock, and George Pickens was standing in the end zone before this crowd got its hands up. Big touchdown, big celebration, and then the youtuber quietly comes on to file the paperwork. Point is good.

First and 10, Warren Moon hits the slant for eight. Simple, clean, right on schedule. Justin Jefferson pops straight up and points down at the yellow on the grass, in case one person in the building somehow missed it. HE BURIED HIM! Justin Jefferson drove him fifteen yards downfield and finished him flat on his back inside the numbers, and Derrick Henry is STILL running!

The hands tell the whole story -- Jynxzi chops, rips underneath the outside shoulder, and the pocket collapses from the top down. This is the value of travel coverage: Jynxzi follows him everywhere, so the game plan they built all week is now scrap paper. Right down the middle from thirty-four. Philadelphia Pole-Greasers caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

The clock is melting and Warren Moon is the calmest man in this stadium.

No targets, no catches, no yards. Donald Trump is having the kind of quiet game that wins football games. They smell it. Dak Prescott and this front are circling, and there is blood in the water.

End of the half. Dak Prescott peels the gloves off and flexes both hands slowly. Halftime: two hundred high schoolers in wool uniforms in this weather. Respect where it is owed. And now, our halftime TV game show The Joker's Mildly Annoyed! To win a deck of playing cards missing all four jacks, text BLITZ to 555-2153 and answer this question: 'What is the punishment for laughing during the two minute warning?' The teams jog out. Third quarter, and the adjustments start showing up right about now.

Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Philadelphia Pole-Greasers adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Watch them break the huddle. Dak Prescott sees the pointing and the shouting up front -- nobody heard the protection call.

Interference on Jake Ferguson. Automatic first down, the drive stays alive, and this defense has to line up all over again. Second time in three drives. Philadelphia Pole-Greasers punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

Helmets in the air along the white line, and IShowSpeed is leading all of it.

Freeze it at the stem -- Derrick Henry does not bite on the double move, keeps his eyes on the hip, and turns to run before the receiver does. Justin Jefferson took the perfect angle there. He never chased the shoulders, he chased the sideline, and the sideline did the rest. PRESSURE, PRESSURE, Justin Jefferson IS THERE! The opposing quarterback gets rid of it with a defender in his lap!

Back shoulder fade at the pylon, and Philadelphia Pole-Greasers comes down with it over a defender who had inside leverage and nothing behind him. Perfectly placed, and this one is on us.

Three steps, break inside, GONE! Warren Moon threads the slant to Jake Ferguson and the linebacker is still turning his hips! PITCH and GO! Jake Ferguson gets outside the last man and he is running down the sideline with an escort! Bounce it OUTSIDE! Jake Ferguson sees the pursuit overrun the play, hits the sideline and dives at the pylon for the score! The investor has never once been thanked for the last step of anything. He puts it through and gets a pat on the helmet from the long snapper.

Dunking the football over the crossbar has been illegal for a decade and Jake Ferguson does it anyway, cleanly, two-handed, hanging for a beat. The flag comes out. The crowd does not care about the flag. Neither, from the look of him, does the head coach, who is very deliberately looking somewhere else.

Patrick Mahomes apologizes to the offensive line, one man at a time. Jake Ferguson tells him to stop. And here is the answer to our game show The Joker's Mildly Annoyed! Delton Duckworth of Hominy Flats, Oklahoma, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the punishment for laughing during the two minute warning?' The answer was of course nothing legally, but everybody will remember. Delton therefore wins a deck of playing cards missing all four jacks! Somebody left a full box of donuts in the booth at halftime. I asked no questions. There are no donuts now. We're signing off. Next up: 'Shark Tank: Pitching a Second Umbrella to a Man Who Owns One Umbrella.'