My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Joe Biden on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 183 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Bill Clinton. The man is a statesperson. Yes, you heard that right. A statesperson. On a basketball court. With their diplomatic pouch in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Bill Clinton had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
85-129 (L)
Tip-off! Barack Obama gets us started! Let's go!
Bill Clinton can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the political storm, a statesperson always hits!
Bill Clinton throws it into the stands! What was that from this first-ballot legend!
George W. Bush bites on the fake! Fooled like a statesperson by counterfeit the political storm!
Barack Obama, this versatile guy, sits down hard on the bench! Defense that's basically a suggestion written all over his face!
Halftime. Bill Clinton throws his towel on the floor walking in. Rumor has it Bill Clinton tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Break's over, the players take their positions.
George W. Bush can't convert! The statesperson's touch with the political storm deserted them!
Donald Trump cramps up! Muscles tight from their portfolio ledger and the Wilson double duty!
Bill Clinton dribbles into a trap! Sometimes predictable game when reading the defense!
Joe Biden slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a university professor hits the workbench!
George W. Bush leaves the floor quietly! Quiet as a statesperson after the political storm setback!
Bill Clinton isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Barack Obama tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
88-133 (L)
Barack Obama takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Barack Obama shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a community organizer would cringe!
George W. Bush forces the pass! Forcing their diplomatic pouch where it doesn't fit!
Barack Obama loses the screen battle! Heavy feet around the picks!
This household name George W. Bush gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Both teams head to the locker room. Donald Trump wipes his forehead with his jersey. Anecdote: Donald Trump lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
A free throw from George W. Bush hits the iron! Sometimes predictable game under the spotlight!
Barack Obama barely gets back on defense! Moving like a community organizer on a Friday afternoon!
Barack Obama turns it over in the restricted area! Butterfingers from this community organizer!
Donald Trump tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the investor will bounce back!
George W. Bush tips the cap to the winners! The statesperson's grace with the political storm!
Donald Trump kicks his towel across the floor. Bill Clinton has already left for the locker room, alone. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
78-123 (L)
Joe Biden wins the opening tip! Tipping off with university professor energy!
Barack Obama puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their bullhorn can save that!
Bill Clinton tries to be too fancy and loses the basketball! Limited stamina in the decision-making!
Joe Biden, this do-it-all player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over ego the size of Texas!
Joe Biden, this do-it-all player, waves off the play call! Injury-prone body hurting the team!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, George W. Bush picks up the pace. True story: George W. Bush walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Orlando Magic-Beans. Awkward. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
George W. Bush shoots an air ball in a roaring arena! A statesperson lost in the noise!
Bill Clinton is gassed! This undisputed superstar bent over at half court! Limited stamina catching up!
Joe Biden with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the young scholars!
Barack Obama can't hide the frustration! Their bullhorn frustration meets the basketball frustration!
This global icon Joe Biden shakes hands and moves on. In the end, shaky emotions under pressure proved costly.
Donald Trump snaps at the bench on his way out. Joe Biden says nothing, but his look says everything. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
83-107 (L)
Donald Trump stretches center court! Loosening up, the investor is getting ready!
Donald Trump, this do-it-all player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Tendency to force bad shots!
Barack Obama throws it away! A pass worse than a community organizer tossing the neighborhood!
Bill Clinton gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the political storm behind their diplomatic pouch!
Barack Obama hits the triple! Three points, three cheers for this community organizer turned baller!
Halftime! Donald Trump is limping slightly heading off the court. Little scoop: Donald Trump logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Barack Obama walks away muttering! Muttering about the neighborhood under their breath!
This generational talent Donald Trump misses the mark! A buzzer beater goes begging from mid-range!
This franchise cornerstone Barack Obama switches defensive assignments on the fly! An off-the-charts basketball IQ!
Bill Clinton waves for a timeout! The statesperson needs the political storm break!
Donald Trump sits alone on the bench. This certified GOAT candidate processing the defeat.
Barack Obama walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Donald Trump speeds up. Wants it to be over. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
80-125 (L)
George W. Bush, this swiss-army-knife type, announced to huge cheers! A hostile crowd!
Joe Biden misses at the buzzer! A university professor who missed the deadline!
Stolen from Bill Clinton! A statesperson who let it slip through their fingers!
Donald Trump watches them score! Just watching, like watching their portfolio ledger gather dust!
This franchise cornerstone Bill Clinton can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
The players head to the locker room. Barack Obama is sweating like a racehorse. Bus driver's confession: Barack Obama raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Joe Biden forces a floater back to the basket! This global icon trying too hard!
Joe Biden tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a university professor's energy for the young scholars!
Bill Clinton passes to nobody! This hall-of-fame lock with a head-scratching decision!
Donald Trump stares in disbelief! The look of an investor who just lost everything!
Donald Trump refuses to make excuses! An investor owns the next venture failures too!
Donald Trump is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Joe Biden waits at the tunnel entrance. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
85-129 (L)
Donald Trump checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Donald Trump can't find the range! Their portfolio ledger has better accuracy than that!
Barack Obama coughs up the basketball! Lack of consistency strikes again in transition!
Joe Biden loses the battle in the paint! Being a university professor doesn't help you here!
Bill Clinton sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a statesperson after a long shift!
Halftime. Barack Obama is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. They say Barack Obama eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
This household name Joe Biden short-arms a floater off the pick and roll! Not enough lift!
Barack Obama powers through! The community organizer in them won't quit on the neighborhood!
Barack Obama loses the pill! A community organizer would never be this careless!
This all-time great Donald Trump stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Donald Trump, this hall-of-fame lock, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Joe Biden avoids the cameras like the plague. Bill Clinton gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Did you know that Bill Clinton practices investor on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
83-126 (L)
The den welcomes Donald Trump! The investor with the next venture has arrived!
Barack Obama can't connect! Their bullhorn in hand, sure. The pill through the hoop, nope!
George W. Bush, this solid build, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted driving to the hoop!
Joe Biden beaten to the spot! Slower than a university professor on a Monday morning!
Joe Biden vents at their teammates! The university professor who vents about the young scholars!
The players leave the court. George W. Bush clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know George W. Bush started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Donald Trump, this guy with rings on every finger, comes up empty! A deep three off target under the basket!
George W. Bush bends over during the dead ball! This first-ballot legend gathering what's left!
Donald Trump with the careless pass! Bankrolling the next venture with more care, please!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Bill Clinton shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Bill Clinton shakes hands through the pain! A statesperson who respects their diplomatic pouch and the game!
Donald Trump stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Joe Biden comes back to get him. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
75-119 (L)
Barack Obama steps onto the venue! From rallying the neighborhood to this, game time!
A half-court heave from Barack Obama sails wide! This hall-of-fame lock needs to regroup!
This all-time great Joe Biden with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Joe Biden, this tweener, gets exploited in the switch! Sometimes predictable game exposed in the mismatch!
Joe Biden mouths off at late in the quarter! A university professor venting about the young scholars!
Halftime. Barack Obama glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Did you know Barack Obama started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Barack Obama launches a bucket and... Airball! Sometimes predictable game at its peak!
Donald Trump misses from fatigue! This once-in-a-lifetime player can't get the elevation in transition!
Joe Biden, this versatile guy, gets called for the carry! Shaky emotions under pressure in ball-handling!
Barack Obama mutters to himself walking back! This undisputed superstar fighting inner demons!
George W. Bush, this all-time great, takes the loss hard. Ego the size of Texas at the wrong moments.
Barack Obama has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Donald Trump has aged ten years in forty minutes. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
73-117 (L)
Joe Biden takes the court to palpable tension! The university professor with their lecture notes is here!
George W. Bush, this all-around player, gets stuffed trying a buzzer beater! Denied!
George W. Bush throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the statesperson got too confident!
Barack Obama gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the neighborhood on a rough day!
George W. Bush storms to the bench! Heated! This statesperson doesn't handle losing well!
The locker room fills up. George W. Bush has already eaten three oranges. True story: George W. Bush walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Houston Blast-Off. Awkward. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Donald Trump denied by the basket! Even an investor can't pry it open!
Joe Biden finds a second wind! The university professor engine roars back to life!
Barack Obama dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the community organizer's finest moment!
Bill Clinton picks up the second technical! This potential GOAT ejected! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Joe Biden walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to university professor life tomorrow!
Donald Trump chews his nails on the bench. Barack Obama stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
79-123 (L)
Bill Clinton gets the starting nod! A statesperson starting with their diplomatic pouch confidence!
This global icon Bill Clinton misfires again! Defense that's basically a suggestion could cost the team!
This franchise cornerstone Joe Biden commits the 5-second violation! Clock management tendency to rush!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Bill Clinton bites on the fake! Beaten at the top of the key!
Barack Obama kicks the air! The frustration of a community organizer who knows they can do better!
Break! Joe Biden grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Anecdote: Joe Biden fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Joe Biden, this guy with rings on every finger, pulls the trigger from downtown but no luck!
Joe Biden mops their face! Sweating more than when challenging the young scholars!
This generational talent Bill Clinton commits the offensive foul! Turnover from mid-range!
Donald Trump throws their hands up! Like an investor when their portfolio ledger breaks!
Donald Trump wipes a tear! An investor who poured everything into the effort!
Donald Trump sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Joe Biden winces. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
83-127 (L)
Barack Obama huddles with the team! Huddling up, the community organizer strategizes!
Bill Clinton fires a hook shot at the buzzer but can't connect! Limited stamina showing!
Joe Biden attacks carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Bill Clinton reacts too late to rotate! Tendency to rush on the help side!
George W. Bush drives and kicks the stanchion! This living legend losing composure!
Halftime! Donald Trump checks his stats on the board and winces. Little scoop: Donald Trump tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Joe Biden misfires again! Having the young scholars-shaped night!
This potential GOAT Barack Obama stumbles! The fatigue is real after this ball game!
George W. Bush loses possession! The political storm never leaves a statesperson's hands like that!
Donald Trump pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The investor in them is showing!
This potential GOAT Donald Trump tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Barack Obama takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Joe Biden follows the same path. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
83-127 (L)
Donald Trump, this hall-of-fame lock, embraces the hostile crowd! Game on!
George W. Bush with the ugly miss! The statesperson touch is absent tonight!
George W. Bush dunks the leather right to the defense! Costly mistake by this hall-of-fame lock!
This global icon Bill Clinton commits the and-one foul! Shaky emotions under pressure in positioning!
Joe Biden storms to the bench! This household name is visibly upset!
Break! Donald Trump has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Anecdote: Donald Trump slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Bill Clinton, this smooth operator, wastes a golden chance with a wild thunderous slam!
Bill Clinton bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a statesperson after their diplomatic pouch overtime!
Bill Clinton charges right into the defender! Turnover! Tendency to force bad shots when controlling pace!
Barack Obama, this tweener, pounds the scorer's table! Lack of consistency on full display!
Barack Obama drives past the media. This all-time great not in the mood to talk.
Barack Obama lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Joe Biden decides not to comment. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
83-128 (L)
Barack Obama, this once-in-a-lifetime player, draws first blood! An alley-oop to start!
Donald Trump clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their portfolio ledger hitting the next venture!
Joe Biden, this tweener, gets stripped in the paint! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Donald Trump falls asleep on the weak side! Tendency to rush exposed!
Barack Obama drops the head after another miss! Ego the size of Texas sapping the confidence!
Intermission. George W. Bush dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Confession: George W. Bush believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
This global icon Donald Trump throws up a prayer driving to the hoop! Not answered!
Barack Obama is cramping up! This guy with rings on every finger trying to shake it off! Sometimes predictable game!
This certified GOAT candidate Joe Biden dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
George W. Bush waves off the play! The authority of a statesperson in that gesture!
Joe Biden leaves the floor with dignity! The dignity of a university professor with their lecture notes!
Joe Biden claps his hands in frustration. Barack Obama clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. Evening confession: I'm wearing Joe Biden's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
80-124 (L)
Joe Biden bounces the pill pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Joe Biden misfires at the top of the key! Their lecture notes calibration needed!
Joe Biden with the lazy pass! Occasional mental lapses leading to easy points!
Donald Trump gets blown by! Even an investor couldn't stop that!
This hall-of-fame lock Bill Clinton slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Break! Bill Clinton takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Fun fact: Bill Clinton blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
George W. Bush can't convert the open shot! Navigating the political storm is way easier!
Joe Biden is clearly fatigued! The 48 regulation minutes of this plus the 48 regulation minutes of challenging the young scholars!
George W. Bush gets the ball stripped! The political storm would have stayed in a statesperson's grip!
Donald Trump drops their shoulders! Deflated, even an investor's spirit has limits!
Donald Trump takes the loss hard! Hard as the next venture on a bad investor day!
Bill Clinton scratches the back of his neck nervously. Donald Trump has the look of someone who has seen things. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
75-120 (L)
George W. Bush locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a statesperson who means business!
Joe Biden, this all-around player, can't finish in the paint! That one stings!
George W. Bush throws it out of bounds! Like launching their diplomatic pouch into the void!
Donald Trump fouls trying to recover! Desperate as an investor chasing the next venture!
Joe Biden dishes angrily after the turnover! This all-time great spiraling!
The locker room. Barack Obama sprawls out full-length on the bench. The staff told me Barack Obama sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Donald Trump fires and misses driving to the hoop. Should have stuck with the next venture!
Donald Trump is gassed! More tired than after a full day of bankrolling the next venture!
Barack Obama throws it away! Heavy feet under pressure off the pick and roll!
Barack Obama, this first-ballot legend, barks at the teammate! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
George W. Bush consoles teammates! The heart of a statesperson in that moment!
Donald Trump walks head down toward the tunnel. George W. Bush drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Joe Biden.
Season journal
💬 💬 Comments & Suggestions (0)
💭
No comments yet. Be the first to share your opinion!
