My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | My Team | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Shai Gilgeous-Alexander is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 198 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. The chef's surprise of the evening is 50 Cent. A rapper by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the fiery bars with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. The budget, let's talk about it. Or actually, let's not, because it'll make you dizzy. We're beyond the luxury tax, beyond the second apron, we're in a zone that even the league's tax accountants struggle to calculate. The owner burns cash like others burn firewood, and he doesn't bat an eye. Every season this team doesn't win the title is a financial scandal. The pressure is absolute, the talent is maximal, and the margin for error is zero. Welcome to the world of superteams, where failure isn't an option, it's a public humiliation.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
102-116 (L)
Jaylen Brown blows past onto the floor! The crowd roars for this player making noise!
Anthony Edwards can't buy a bucket! Another miss on the low block! Frustrating!
Jaylen Brown attacks the orange right to the defense! Costly mistake by this well-respected player!
50 Cent gives up the easy bucket! Easier than spitting the fiery bars!
This household name 50 Cent does it again! A catch-and-shoot triple with effortless precision!
Well-deserved break. Jaylen Brown looks like someone who just ran a marathon. I've been told Jaylen Brown always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. We're back! The players look fired up.
This next-level player Anthony Edwards can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this player on the come-up, comes up empty! A bank shot off target facing the rim!
This player making noise Jaylen Brown recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander is gassed! This legit talent bent over at half court! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up!
Anthony Edwards, this league veteran, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Eminem pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Jaylen Brown takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
109-91 (W)
Tip-off! Shai Gilgeous-Alexander gets us started! Let's go!
Eminem lets fly and converts! A floater from downtown! Money!
Anthony Edwards, this player making noise, pokes the ball free! Scramble from the left corner!
This hall-of-fame lock 50 Cent with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
50 Cent runs the offense! Running it like a rapper runs the show!
Break. 50 Cent's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Staff confession: 50 Cent is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Jaylen Brown attacks from the left corner and finishes with a fadeaway jumper! Too good!
50 Cent signs a kid's the fiery bars! The rapper meets the next generation!
Jaylen Brown, this seasoned vet, rotates on defense! An off-the-charts basketball IQ team commitment!
Jaylen Brown is inevitable tonight! This player on the come-up can't be stopped!
Eminem wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their hot mic and the pill!
50 Cent gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Eminem gives his shoes. Jaylen Brown gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
108-87 (W)
This name that's buzzing Anthony Edwards means business! Fast start at half court!
An and-one by 50 Cent from the right corner! Eyes in the back of the head in every fiber!
This player making noise Shai Gilgeous-Alexander forces the air ball with pressure! Suffocating!
Anthony Edwards with the incredible court vision! This guy with a proven track record sees passes nobody else does!
Eminem pins the defender! Pinning them down with rapper authority!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, 50 Cent picks up the pace. I've been told 50 Cent once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
A catch-and-shoot triple from Jaylen Brown! Another dagger! This seasoned vet closing the door!
Standing room only! Immense pressure as Shai Gilgeous-Alexander takes over from mid-range!
Anthony Edwards crosses over the outlet to the young player! This guy with a proven track record building the future!
This next-level player Anthony Edwards with a performance for the ages! A moment of truth chapter!
50 Cent ends on a high note! A rapper who finishes strong every time!
Anthony Edwards performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Jaylen Brown imitates it. It's worse. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
96-99 (L)
The game begins and Shai Gilgeous-Alexander is ready! You can see an off-the-charts basketball IQ written all over his face!
A pull-up jumper! Shai Gilgeous-Alexander cannot be stopped tonight! This well-respected player is locked in!
Eminem left in the dust! Even a rapper moves faster than that!
Anthony Edwards, this respected competitor, sends the ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander takes the lead! A layup! The comeback is complete! Unbelievable!
Halftime whistle. Eminem high-fives his teammates on the way out. Bus driver's confession: Eminem raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Anthony Edwards dunks into a dead end! Hot head in late-game situations!
Anthony Edwards, this respected competitor, refuses to high-five! Heavy feet hurting the chemistry!
Eminem bridges two worlds: the fiery bars and a layup, bound by passion!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander can't hit the go-ahead! Lack of consistency when the lights are brightest!
Jaylen Brown had the chances but couldn't convert. This solid pro left wanting.
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander pulls his cap down over his eyes. Anthony Edwards doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I learned backstage that Anthony Edwards also does rapper on weekends. That explains those reflexes. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
101-103 (L)
50 Cent checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Anthony Edwards shoots and scores! A tear drop! This long boy is a problem!
50 Cent loses their assignment! Like losing their hot mic in the workshop!
Jaylen Brown, this colossus, wastes a golden chance with a wild tear drop!
50 Cent inspires with defense! Defensive inspiration from spitting the fiery bars!
Into the tunnel. Eminem grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Physio's confession: Eminem purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Eminem, this combo guard, forces a bad shot in the extra period! Limited stamina!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander steps back and kicks the stanchion! This player making noise losing composure!
The transformation of Jaylen Brown is complete! This seasoned vet has arrived!
This player on the come-up Anthony Edwards misses the free throws! Tendency to rush at the line!
This solid pro Jaylen Brown shakes hands and moves on. In the end, defense that's basically a suggestion proved costly.
Jaylen Brown refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Eminem watches it and immediately regrets it. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
107-116 (L)
Jaylen Brown fires up the crowd to open the game! This dude putting the league on notice starting strong!
Eminem misfires from downtown! This hall-of-fame lock searching for answers!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander with the lazy pass! Limited stamina leading to easy points!
50 Cent beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the fiery bars slipping from a rapper!
Anthony Edwards with natural-born leadership finds the angle for a devastating dunk!
Cut! Halftime. Jaylen Brown's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Fun fact: Jaylen Brown blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Jaylen Brown slams the leather in frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Anthony Edwards rises up but it's well off! Limited stamina under fatigue!
Anthony Edwards, this up-and-coming baller, manages the clock beautifully in the second quarter!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander asks for the ball to slow the pace! This guy with a proven track record needs air!
This league veteran Shai Gilgeous-Alexander tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
50 Cent kicks his towel across the floor. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander has already left for the locker room, alone. Behind the scenes, I learned Shai Gilgeous-Alexander was also a rapper in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
104-107 (L)
Game time! Anthony Edwards and this legit talent ready to put on a show at the temple of basketball!
This solid pro Anthony Edwards punishes the defense with a sky hook under the basket!
Jaylen Brown gambles for the steal and pays the price! Ego the size of Texas!
Eminem misfires from the left corner! Even this first-ballot legend has off nights!
Anthony Edwards, this player making noise, wills the team back! Natural-born leadership driving the comeback!
Back in the locker room, Jaylen Brown sits down and stares at the ceiling. Anecdote: Jaylen Brown once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
50 Cent, this guy with rings on every finger, commits the late turnover! Occasional mental lapses with the ball!
50 Cent, this tweener, shows negative body language! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
The arc of this game bends toward Anthony Edwards! This name that's buzzing controlling destiny!
50 Cent can't hit the open look in crunch time! Their hot mic vision failing!
Anthony Edwards, this colossus, trudges off the court. Lessons to take from this one.
50 Cent mutters while walking out. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Behind the scenes, I learned Shai Gilgeous-Alexander was also a rapper in a past life. You can feel it in the game. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
102-89 (W)
Anthony Edwards drives with energy from the opening whistle! This dude putting the league on notice locked in!
Anthony Edwards, this respected competitor, drops an alley-oop from downtown! Pure artistry!
Anthony Edwards anticipates the cut and deflects the ball! This guy with a proven track record reading minds!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander threads the needle! Beautiful assist facing the rim! Unreal court vision!
Anthony Edwards dribbles to the weak side! This league veteran exploiting the rotation!
Halftime whistle. Jaylen Brown flops into the first available chair. Quick anecdote about Jaylen Brown: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Anthony Edwards, this colossus, uses strength and skill for a buzzer-beater! Complete player!
The crowd is on its feet! A cathedral silence as Shai Gilgeous-Alexander takes the court!
50 Cent sacrifices for the team! Selfless play from this rapper!
This established player Anthony Edwards digs deep! Finding reserves nobody knew existed!
50 Cent embraces teammates! The bond of spitting the fiery bars together!
Eminem pretends to faint from happiness. 50 Cent pretends to call 911. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
114-107 (W)
This guy with a proven track record Anthony Edwards in the starting lineup! Let's see what this guy with a proven track record brings!
Anthony Edwards catches fire! And it's a layup! A gym-rat work ethic taking over!
This household name 50 Cent anchors the defense back to the basket! Nothing gets through!
Jaylen Brown with the alley-oop pass! This giant throws it up, teammate throws it down!
Eminem rises up the ball out of the trap! Eyes in the back of the head under pressure!
Break! 50 Cent rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Did you know 50 Cent entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Eminem shoots the rock beautifully for a hook shot! What touch!
The arena buzzes for 50 Cent! A rapper who electrifies wherever they go!
Eminem boxes out for the teammate! Making room like a rapper with the fiery bars!
Jaylen Brown, this well-respected player, has been building to this all game! In the money time!
It's over! Anthony Edwards delivers the goods! This established player walks off a winner!
Jaylen Brown points both hands at the sky. Anthony Edwards points at Jaylen Brown. Eminem points at the exit. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
112-105 (W)
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this guy with a proven track record, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Eminem, this versatile guy, takes over from the right corner. A hook shot! That's elite!
Anthony Edwards, this tower, recovers and contests! Never-give-up effort fueled by freakish explosiveness!
Anthony Edwards, this oversized freak, delivers the entry pass! Beautiful feed into the post!
Jaylen Brown uses the hesitation dribble! An off-the-charts basketball IQ creating separation!
Off to the locker room. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander has already drained two water bottles. Exclusive: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
50 Cent explodes the Wilson with flair and hits a tear drop! Sensational!
Post-game fireworks for Eminem! Brighter than their hot mic on a perfect day!
Eminem communicates on the switch! Clear as a rapper's directions!
This all-time great Eminem proves the critics wrong! A world-class move vindication!
This all-time great Eminem walks off to a standing ovation! A roaring arena! Incredible!
50 Cent takes Eminem by the hand and they bow to the crowd like stage actors. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
103-99 (W)
Opening possession for 50 Cent! First touch, like first touch of their hot mic!
This hooper's hooper Shai Gilgeous-Alexander with the weak-side ball recovery! Incredible help!
Eminem launches a reverse layup and... Airball! Sometimes predictable game at its peak!
50 Cent drops a bank shot from the three-point line! Range that would impress any rapper!
This next-level player Shai Gilgeous-Alexander adjusts the angle mid-drive! A gym-rat work ethic body control!
Halftime. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Juicy anecdote: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
50 Cent with the late steal and score! This living legend taking matters into own hands!
Jaylen Brown with the huge rebound in traffic on the low block! This next-level player says no!
Anthony Edwards, this 7-footer, gets the standing ovation! A cathedral silence!
50 Cent, this tweener, scores the go-ahead! A step-back three! Heart of a champion!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this next-level player, high-fives the bench! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! Team effort!
50 Cent does the robot at center court while Shai Gilgeous-Alexander pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
94-114 (L)
And we're underway! 50 Cent touches the leather first! This basketball god looks eager!
This name that's buzzing Jaylen Brown misfires again! Occasional mental lapses could cost the team!
Anthony Edwards, this tree of a man, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
50 Cent can't contain the drive! Spitting the fiery bars is more containable!
A catch-and-shoot triple by Anthony Edwards! The building is rocking! This name that's buzzing takeover!
The players disappear. Eminem has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Bus driver's confession: Eminem raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander glares at the scoreboard! This player on the come-up not happy with the situation!
Brick! Anthony Edwards misfires along the baseline! Hot head at the worst time!
Anthony Edwards, this giant, exploits the mismatch from mid-range! Smart play!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander misses from fatigue! This well-respected player can't get the elevation off the pick and roll!
50 Cent, this versatile guy, hangs the head. Tough loss despite ridiculous creativity effort.
Anthony Edwards takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Eminem follows the same path. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
108-111 (L)
50 Cent locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a rapper who means business!
Jaylen Brown buries a bucket under the basket! This player on the come-up is on fire tonight!
This next-level player Jaylen Brown bites on the fake! Beaten at the top of the key!
Eminem forces up a free throw over the defense! Heavy feet! Bad decision!
Jaylen Brown, this walking skyscraper, refuses to die! A layup keeps the dream alive!
Time to breathe. Jaylen Brown has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. They say Jaylen Brown has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
50 Cent fails to box out! Lost the position, back to rapper school!
50 Cent slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a rapper hits the workbench!
The legend of Jaylen Brown grows! This respected competitor adding another chapter at the top of the key!
Anthony Edwards, this tree of a man, chokes on the big stage! On a clutch free throw miss!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander shoots past the media. This well-respected player not in the mood to talk.
Eminem's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Jaylen Brown breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
101-123 (L)
Jaylen Brown takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
50 Cent dribbles but the shot rims out! Hot head rears its ugly head!
This seasoned vet Shai Gilgeous-Alexander with turnover number buckets! Heavy feet is piling up!
Anthony Edwards gets crossed over! This player making noise left frozen along the baseline!
Anthony Edwards converts back to the basket! A sky hook with trademark an off-the-charts basketball IQ!
Halftime whistle! Eminem grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Bus driver's confession: Eminem raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Jaylen Brown blows past angrily after the turnover! This respected competitor spiraling!
Eminem, this do-it-all player, can't finish from the left corner! That one stings!
Anthony Edwards spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Anthony Edwards, this up-and-coming baller, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Eminem absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a rapper knows tough days!
50 Cent takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander follows the same path. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
86-117 (L)
Eminem, this global icon, draws first blood! A bank shot to start!
50 Cent misses the open look! This generational talent can't believe it! Limited stamina!
50 Cent trips up in the right wing! A rapper never trips at work... Right?
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this beanpole, gets dunked on from mid-range! Poster material!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this league veteran, with the frustrated foul! Sometimes predictable game in tough moments!
Halftime. Eminem is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. True story: Eminem had his parking spot stolen by Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's mascot. Still talks about it. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Jaylen Brown, this big fella, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Heavy feet!
This hooper's hooper Jaylen Brown can't close out! The legs are shot driving to the hoop!
This franchise cornerstone 50 Cent commits the offensive foul! Turnover from the left corner!
This certified GOAT candidate 50 Cent throws an elbow in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Eminem vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their hot mic reinforced with the fiery bars!
50 Cent chews his nails on the bench. Jaylen Brown stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
My Team ends the season #9 with a 6W-9L record. Season MVP: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander.
Season journal
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