My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Tyrese Maxey. Standing at 188 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Hulk. The man is a scientist. A freaking scientist. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their lab notebook and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. Mid-pack budget. The team of guys who punch the clock, don't complain, cash a decent paycheck, and go home without making headlines. It's not sexy, but it works. The GM is a damn wizard at finding role players at 3 million who play like they're worth 15, and the coach squeezes every drop out of this roster. The problem? One major injury and the whole house of cards collapses.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
81-125 (L)
Godzilla, this tweener, is introduced and the arena explodes! This multi-time All-Star is in the building!
This well-respected player Tyrese Maxey muscles up a buzzer-beater but can't get it to fall!
This established player Tyrese Maxey with turnover number lengths ahead! Limited stamina is piling up!
Jesus Christ gets posterized! A messiah framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
Godzilla goes to work and kicks the stanchion! This franchise guy losing composure!
End of the first half. Hulk is beet red but still standing. Did you know Hulk knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Detroit Engine-Roar's colors. By accident, obviously. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
This up-and-coming baller Tyrese Maxey misses the mark! A layup goes begging driving to the hoop!
Dylan Harper is gassed! This surprise package bent over at half court! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up!
This global icon Jesus Christ with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Hulk gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
This surprise package Dylan Harper shakes hands and moves on. In the end, hot head proved costly.
Dylan Harper rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Tyrese Maxey picks up his own and folds it carefully. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
95-124 (L)
Jesus Christ stretches center court! Loosening up, the messiah is getting ready!
Hulk, this global icon, sends the Spalding wide! The touch is off tonight!
Godzilla, this smooth operator, fumbles the entry pass from the right corner!
Tyrese Maxey scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Tendency to rush!
This hall-of-fame lock Hulk finishes with authority! A floater from downtown!
Well-deserved break. Tyrese Maxey looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Fun fact: Tyrese Maxey was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Tyrese Maxey, this league veteran, refuses to high-five! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the chemistry!
Hulk with the ugly miss! The scientist touch is absent tonight!
This household name Jesus Christ recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
Dylan Harper, this raw talent, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Tyrese Maxey dribbles to the tunnel in disappointment. This league veteran will learn from this.
Godzilla scratches the back of his neck nervously. Hulk has the look of someone who has seen things. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
91-110 (L)
The game begins and Jesus Christ is ready! You can see a gym-rat work ethic written all over his face!
Jesus Christ misses the layup! Even the game would have gone in easier!
Jesus Christ botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
This big-name player Godzilla misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Jesus Christ with scary good handles finds the angle for a bucket!
Off to the locker room. Hulk has already drained two water bottles. Word is Hulk sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Dylan Harper mutters to himself walking back! This hungry young player fighting inner demons!
Hulk, this tweener, can't finish off the pick and roll! That one stings!
Hulk, this do-it-all player, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Hulk, this once-in-a-lifetime player, sucking wind after that sprint! The 48 regulation minutes of battle!
This respected competitor Tyrese Maxey congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this respected competitor.
Godzilla unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Hulk runs a hand down his face. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
91-119 (L)
Hulk begins their shift on the den! A scientist starting the their lab notebook shift!
Hulk rushes a thunderous slam along the baseline! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
Hulk coughs it up! A scientist's grip doesn't work on the rock!
Godzilla, this versatile guy, gets dunked on at half court! Poster material!
Tyrese Maxey scores with pure God-given talent. A hook shot from downtown! Too smooth!
The players file out. Dylan Harper exchanges a tense look with the coach. They say Dylan Harper has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Godzilla slams the Wilson in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
A pull-up jumper attempt by Dylan Harper falls short! Shaky emotions under pressure in the legs!
Hulk makes the hockey assist! The unsung play of a scientist behind the hidden truth!
Hulk, this smooth operator, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Hulk shakes hands through the pain! A scientist who respects their lab notebook and the game!
Dylan Harper unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Hulk runs a hand down his face. I learned tonight that Dylan Harper used to be a messiah. That explains the unique running style. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
100-114 (L)
Dylan Harper penetrates into position! This total unknown not wasting any time!
Jesus Christ shoots an air ball in a boiling cauldron! A messiah lost in the noise!
Stolen from Hulk! A scientist who let it slip through their fingers!
Dylan Harper, this giant, can't keep up with the speed! Tendency to rush exposed!
This respected competitor Tyrese Maxey punishes the defense with a buzzer-beater from downtown!
Halftime! Hulk checks his stats on the board and winces. Rumor has it Hulk tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Jesus Christ storms to the bench! Heated! This messiah doesn't handle losing well!
Tyrese Maxey, this versatile guy, loses the handle and the opportunity! Sometimes predictable game!
Jesus Christ launches to the right spot! Freakish explosiveness off-ball movement!
This guy with a proven track record Tyrese Maxey can't close out! The legs are shot at the buzzer!
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, hangs the head. Tough loss despite that dawg mentality effort.
Hulk hurls his water bottle at the wall. Jesus Christ flinches but doesn't react. Behind the scenes, I learned Jesus Christ was also a messiah in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
88-133 (L)
Dylan Harper takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Hulk fires a pull-up jumper from downtown but can't connect! Ego the size of Texas showing!
Godzilla coughs up the orange! Ego the size of Texas strikes again at the top of the key!
Hulk gets screened out! Stuck behind their lab notebook like it's a wall!
Dylan Harper mouths off and picks up a T! Heavy feet taking over!
The players file out. Tyrese Maxey exchanges a tense look with the coach. Fun fact: Tyrese Maxey got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
This world-class player Godzilla with a rare miss from mid-range! Even the best stumble!
This league veteran Tyrese Maxey signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Lack of consistency!
Dylan Harper with the backcourt violation! This total unknown under too much pressure!
This global icon Jesus Christ hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at the top of the key!
This seasoned vet Tyrese Maxey tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Tyrese Maxey takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Dylan Harper follows the same path. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
92-107 (L)
Jesus Christ wins the opening tip! Tipping off with messiah energy!
This raw talent Dylan Harper puts up a thunderous slam but it won't fall! Off night!
Godzilla with the lazy pass! Injury-prone body leading to easy points!
This basketball god Jesus Christ commits the and-one foul! Heavy feet in positioning!
What a play by Hulk! A step-back three in the paint! This once-in-a-lifetime player is cooking!
Break! Hulk takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know? Hulk once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
This global icon Hulk shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Tyrese Maxey lets fly the damn ball awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this up-and-coming baller!
This reliable star Godzilla attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Hulk is a warrior but the body says no! The allotted time of war!
Hulk consoles teammates! The heart of a scientist in that moment!
Hulk shakes Godzilla's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. I learned backstage that Godzilla also does messiah on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
90-128 (L)
This multi-time All-Star Godzilla in the starting lineup! Let's see what this multi-time All-Star brings!
Tyrese Maxey, this legit talent, comes up empty! A bank shot off target from mid-range!
Hulk posts up into a trap! Sometimes predictable game when reading the defense!
Dylan Harper gets burned on the drive! Hot head in lateral movement!
Godzilla fires away angrily after the turnover! This headliner spiraling!
Halftime. The doctor examines Dylan Harper's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Fun fact: Dylan Harper got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Jesus Christ fires and misses from way beyond the arc. Should have stuck with the game!
This next-level player Tyrese Maxey has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Hulk throws it away! A pass worse than a scientist tossing the hidden truth!
This multi-time All-Star Godzilla stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Godzilla, this elite player, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Tyrese Maxey sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Jesus Christ has his head in his hands. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
77-121 (L)
Tyrese Maxey looks dialed in from the start! An unmatched feel for the game preparation showing!
Hulk takes off but the shot rims out! Ego the size of Texas rears its ugly head!
Hulk with the errant pass! This certified GOAT candidate needs to settle down!
Hulk gets posted up and scored on! This once-in-a-lifetime player overpowered!
Hulk drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a scientist's spirit has limits!
The players head in. Tyrese Maxey slips on the wet tunnel floor. Locker room anecdote: Tyrese Maxey talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Tyrese Maxey takes a tough bank shot and it doesn't go! Tendency to force bad shots in shot selection!
Jesus Christ wipes sweat with the sneakers! Drenched, the messiah has been putting in work!
Hulk with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the hidden truth!
Tyrese Maxey, this solid pro, with the frustrated foul! Limited stamina in tough moments!
Tyrese Maxey, this up-and-coming baller, takes the loss hard. Limited stamina at the wrong moments.
Tyrese Maxey presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Hulk walks right past without noticing. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
83-127 (L)
Jesus Christ steps onto the hardwood! From competing the game to this, game time!
Godzilla forces a bad fadeaway jumper! This guy everybody knows needs to trust teammates!
Jesus Christ dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a messiah like that!
Hulk, this all-around player, gets exploited in the switch! Tendency to force bad shots exposed in the mismatch!
This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ fouls hard out of frustration! Limited stamina showing!
Halftime whistle! Godzilla grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Quick anecdote about Godzilla: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Dylan Harper goes to work but it's well off! Injury-prone body under fatigue!
Jesus Christ, this certified GOAT candidate, is dragging! The contest minutes taking their toll!
Hulk blows past the orange right to the defense! Costly mistake by this global icon!
Tyrese Maxey picks up the second technical! This respected competitor ejected! Limited stamina!
Jesus Christ wipes a tear! A messiah who poured everything into the effort!
Hulk sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Jesus Christ has his head in his hands. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
85-123 (L)
Godzilla, this versatile guy, sets the tone immediately! Freakish explosiveness from the jump!
A deep three from Tyrese Maxey hits the iron! Lack of consistency under the spotlight!
Hulk double-dribbles! Discoverring the hidden truth doesn't have that rule!
Jesus Christ overcommits! Going all-in like a messiah on the game, but wrong!
Hulk walks away muttering! Muttering about the hidden truth under their breath!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Godzilla asks for an ice pack. Anecdote: Godzilla threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
The rim rejects Hulk! The rim says no! Even a scientist gets rejected sometimes!
Hulk grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their lab notebook in the workshop!
Dylan Harper throws it away! Ego the size of Texas under pressure from the left corner!
Jesus Christ is visibly upset! Upset as a messiah when the game goes sideways!
Dylan Harper walks off in silence. This potential breakout star gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Jesus Christ claps his hands in frustration. Tyrese Maxey clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
75-119 (L)
This absolute legend Hulk catches the Wilson early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Tyrese Maxey spins the Wilson into the front rim! That's frustrating for this next-level player!
Dylan Harper throws it into the stands! What was that from this total unknown!
Dylan Harper bites on the pump fake! This diamond in the rough sent flying under the basket!
This next-level player Tyrese Maxey throws an elbow in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Halftime! Godzilla walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Confession: Godzilla tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Jesus Christ bricks another one! Building something awful with their bare hands tonight!
Dylan Harper, this mammoth, with tired legs from downtown! Tendency to rush slowing this diamond in the rough down!
Hulk, this tweener, steps out of bounds with the damn ball! Mental lapse!
Godzilla, this versatile guy, throws the hands up! Exasperated along the baseline!
Tyrese Maxey, this all-around player, trudges off the floor. Lessons to take from this one.
Dylan Harper looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Godzilla looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
76-121 (L)
This max-contract guy Godzilla comes out aggressive! Opens with a bank shot from the right corner!
Jesus Christ forces a bucket from downtown! This franchise cornerstone trying too hard!
Hulk loses the orange! A scientist would never be this careless!
Hulk gambles for the steal and pays the price! Injury-prone body!
Hulk looks to the heavens! A scientist praying for their lab notebook to work!
The players file out. Godzilla exchanges a tense look with the coach. Did you know? Godzilla launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Tyrese Maxey pulls up and fires but misses everything! Shaky emotions under pressure tonight!
Hulk is spent! Used up like the hidden truth after a scientist's long day!
This hungry young player Dylan Harper commits the offensive foul! Turnover facing the rim!
Godzilla rises up away from the huddle! This established star in a dark place mentally!
Hulk packs up and heads out! Packing their lab notebook, unpacking emotions!
Godzilla's complexion is grey. Hulk's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
91-116 (L)
Tip-off! Tyrese Maxey gets us started! Let's go!
Hulk misses at the last second! A scientist dropping the hidden truth at the worst time!
Hulk, this combo guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted on the low block!
Godzilla, this tweener, gets blown by on the perimeter! Lack of consistency in the legs!
A buzzer beater from downtown by Tyrese Maxey! This do-it-all player with the long range!
Halftime! Jesus Christ checks his stats on the board and winces. Rumor has it Jesus Christ talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Tyrese Maxey, this solid pro, yells at the coaching staff! Tendency to force bad shots causing friction!
Godzilla with the off-balance deep three! This guy everybody knows couldn't set the feet!
This multi-time All-Star Godzilla uses the floater over this all-around player coverage! Smart!
Jesus Christ short-arms the shot from fatigue! This certified GOAT candidate has nothing left!
Despite the loss, Hulk held their own with the hidden truth! The scientist fought!
Dylan Harper sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Hulk has his head in his hands. I learned tonight that Dylan Harper used to be a messiah. That explains the unique running style. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-126 (L)
This All-Star caliber talent Godzilla means business! Fast start from the left corner!
Dylan Harper with the contested fadeaway jumper at the buzzer! No good! Bad selection!
This total unknown Dylan Harper dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Hulk loses the screen battle! Hot head around the picks!
This unknown gem Dylan Harper slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
The locker room. Hulk sprawls out full-length on the bench. Juicy anecdote: Hulk was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Jesus Christ misses the open look! This franchise cornerstone can't believe it! Ego the size of Texas!
Dylan Harper is running on pure willpower! This potential breakout star refusing to quit!
Dylan Harper penetrates into a dead end back to the basket! Turnover! Sometimes predictable game!
Dylan Harper, this towering presence, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Godzilla reflects on what could have been. Occasional mental lapses the difference tonight.
Godzilla clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Hulk fidgets with his wristband nervously. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Tyrese Maxey.
Season journal
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