My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 4 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | My Team | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Houston Blast-Off | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Shaquille O'Neal. Standing at 216 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. FaZe Rug is on this team. FaZe Rug, who is a youtuber and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their camera under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Now listen up, the owner has pulled out the checkbook and he's willing to eat the luxury tax penalties. We're in the big leagues. Two max contracts, well-paid veterans on every corner. They're all-in. Every extra dollar spent costs them three in taxes, but they don't care: they want to raise that trophy in June and they've got the firepower to back it up.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
76-120 (L)
This bonafide star Stephen Curry opens the scoring! A finger roll! Early advantage!
Kyrie Irving dishes but it's well off! Injury-prone body under fatigue!
Erling Haaland throws it into the stands! What was that from this once-in-a-lifetime player!
Kyrie Irving gets burned on the drive! Hot head in lateral movement!
FaZe Rug can't hide the frustration! Their camera frustration meets the leather frustration!
The locker room fills up. Kyrie Irving has already eaten three oranges. Little scoop: Kyrie Irving tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Erling Haaland, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the look but can't convert from way beyond the arc!
This elite player Stephen Curry can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
FaZe Rug throws it away! A pass worse than a youtuber tossing the algorithm!
Stephen Curry mutters to himself walking back! This franchise guy fighting inner demons!
Erling Haaland walks off in defeat! Even an association football player's skills couldn't save tonight!
Stephen Curry punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Kyrie Irving slides down the wall to the floor. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
107-101 (W)
Kyrie Irving lets fly onto the floor! The crowd roars for this reliable star!
Kyrie Irving with the and-one hook shot! That dawg mentality through the whistle!
Stephen Curry, this solid build, locks down the attacker! An unmatched feel for the game on the defensive end!
Stephen Curry with the transition assist! This headliner pushing the pace with eyes in the back of the head!
FaZe Rug reads the defense perfectly! Scary good handles and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Halftime whistle. Stephen Curry spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. They say Stephen Curry eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Kyrie Irving, this all-around player, takes over driving to the hoop. A scoop layup! That's elite!
Stephen Curry, this certified bucket, plays to the crowd! An incredible energy is contagious!
Shaquille O'Neal, this towering presence, sets the perfect screen! Next-level basketball IQ for the team!
This is the FaZe Rug game! This who-is-this-guy player taking over in the second quarter!
This diamond in the rough FaZe Rug wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Stephen Curry moonwalks across the hardwood. FaZe Rug attempts the worm. One of them pulls it off. Did you know that FaZe Rug practices youtuber on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
116-89 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal opens with a half-court heave! This certified GOAT candidate making an early statement!
Stephen Curry with pure God-given talent finds the angle for a reverse layup!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, erases the shot at the rim! Rim protector!
Shaquille O'Neal, this mountain of a man, drops the dime! Silky smooth technique passing on display!
Kyrie Irving makes the hockey pass! Iron discipline finding the extra pass!
Halftime! FaZe Rug looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Confession: FaZe Rug believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Erling Haaland punishes the defense! An association football player punishing the winning goal with precision!
Shaquille O'Neal, this walking skyscraper, gets the standing ovation! A Playoff atmosphere!
Erling Haaland covers for the teammate! Got your back, that's the association football player way!
Kyrie Irving is writing the story tonight! This established star with a buzzer beater in the paint!
FaZe Rug punches the air at game's end! Victory! The youtuber did it!
Kyrie Irving makes the phone sign toward the opposing bench. Stephen Curry makes the 'call us' gesture. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
103-94 (W)
This guy everybody knows Kyrie Irving comes out firing! A pull-up jumper in the first minute!
Kyrie Irving crosses over the leather into a scoop layup! Unreal swagger shining through!
Shaquille O'Neal, this all-time great, shuts down the play facing the rim! Lockdown defender!
Kyrie Irving with the lob pass from the left corner! This multi-time All-Star to the teammate! Boom!
Shaquille O'Neal uses the hesitation dribble! A gym-rat work ethic creating separation!
Off to the locker room. Shaquille O'Neal has already drained two water bottles. I've been told Shaquille O'Neal once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
This once-in-a-lifetime player Erling Haaland punishes the defense with a buzzer beater in the paint!
This franchise guy Stephen Curry has the arena rocking! An incredible energy off the charts!
Erling Haaland, this potential GOAT, communicates the switch! That dawg mentality and vocal leadership!
Erling Haaland's association football player background shines through every play with the winning goal!
Final buzzer! Kyrie Irving is the hero! This jersey-selling name with a game for the ages!
Kyrie Irving makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. Erling Haaland makes a bigger heart. Stephen Curry makes a massive heart. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
110-81 (W)
And we're underway! Kyrie Irving touches the leather first! This multi-time All-Star looks eager!
Kyrie Irving with the tough finger roll through contact! This headliner won't be denied!
Erling Haaland with the alley-oop pass! Launching the Spalding with association football player precision!
A fadeaway jumper from FaZe Rug! This newcomer reminding everyone why they're on top!
This global icon Shaquille O'Neal with the no-foul contest from the right corner! Clean as a whistle!
Halftime. Shaquille O'Neal's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Fun fact: Shaquille O'Neal failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
A devastating dunk from Shaquille O'Neal on the low block! That's a statement right there!
This elite player Stephen Curry puts the exclamation point! A fadeaway jumper at the buzzer!
This potential GOAT Shaquille O'Neal celebrates too early! A floater didn't count! Awkward!
FaZe Rug celebrates with a salute to the fans! Mimicking captivating the algorithm on the court!
FaZe Rug, this tweener, celebrates the win! A bench mob celebration! What a game!
FaZe Rug and Shaquille O'Neal swing Stephen Curry around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
86-121 (L)
This top-tier talent Kyrie Irving means business! Fast start back to the basket!
Stephen Curry with a wild attempt! This established star not finding the range tonight!
Stephen Curry with the lazy pass! Sometimes predictable game leading to easy points!
Shaquille O'Neal overcommits and gets beat! Tendency to rush when reading the play!
Erling Haaland drops their shoulders! Deflated, even an association football player's spirit has limits!
Halftime! Shaquille O'Neal has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. True story: Shaquille O'Neal had his parking spot stolen by Los Angeles Nursing-Home's mascot. Still talks about it. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
A reverse layup attempt by Shaquille O'Neal falls short! Tendency to rush in the legs!
Erling Haaland can barely run! The allotted time harder than the allotted time of scoring the winning goal!
Stephen Curry with the backcourt violation! This All-Star caliber talent under too much pressure!
Erling Haaland gets a technical for complaining! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Kyrie Irving takes off past the media. This multi-time All-Star not in the mood to talk.
Stephen Curry refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. FaZe Rug watches it and immediately regrets it. Evening confession: I'm wearing Stephen Curry's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
94-111 (L)
Erling Haaland stretches center court! Loosening up, the association football player is getting ready!
Erling Haaland bobbles and misses! Fumbling the basketball like it's a Monday morning!
FaZe Rug throws it out of bounds! Like launching their camera into the void!
Shaquille O'Neal, this mountain of a man, gets blown by on the perimeter! Heavy feet in the legs!
Kyrie Irving scores at will! An and-one at half court! This All-Star caliber talent domination!
Off to the locker room. Stephen Curry has already drained two water bottles. Small detail: Stephen Curry whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Shaquille O'Neal, this hall-of-fame lock, with the frustrated foul! Hot head in tough moments!
FaZe Rug misses the layup! Even the algorithm would have gone in easier!
Stephen Curry crosses over into the right spacing! Nerves of steel and elite court awareness!
FaZe Rug grimaces through the effort! The grimace of a youtuber finishing the algorithm!
Erling Haaland takes the loss hard! Hard as the winning goal on a bad association football player day!
Erling Haaland stares at the floor while FaZe Rug mutters something inaudible under his breath. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
104-117 (L)
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, takes the court! The electric crowd is electric!
Shaquille O'Neal forces a hook shot under the basket! This all-time great trying too hard!
Erling Haaland loses the ball! An association football player would never be this careless!
Shaquille O'Neal, this giant, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over tendency to force bad shots!
Kyrie Irving scores at half court! An and-one with a gym-rat work ethic! Brilliant!
Break! Kyrie Irving heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Exclusive: Kyrie Irving was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Erling Haaland, this smooth operator, shows negative body language! Injury-prone body creeping in!
Erling Haaland misses the bunny! An association football player dropping the winning goal from point-blank!
FaZe Rug, this total unknown, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a buzzer beater!
Kyrie Irving short-arms the shot from fatigue! This top-tier talent has nothing left!
This world-class player Kyrie Irving congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this world-class player.
Erling Haaland walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. FaZe Rug drags one foot after the other. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
115-108 (W)
FaZe Rug wins the opening tip! Tipping off with youtuber energy!
FaZe Rug answers back with a finger roll! That dawg mentality under pressure!
Kyrie Irving, this swiss-army-knife type, contests everything off the pick and roll! Insane court vision on full display!
FaZe Rug with the incredible court vision! This who-is-this-guy player sees passes nobody else does!
Erling Haaland uses a horns set brilliantly! Strategy from scoring the winning goal!
Halftime. FaZe Rug is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Did you know? FaZe Rug once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Kyrie Irving, this multi-time All-Star, sinks a pull-up jumper with surgical precision at the buzzer!
Listen to that roar! Erling Haaland pulls up and the place explodes!
Kyrie Irving, this solid build, boxes out for the teammate! This top-tier talent doing the dirty work!
The legend of Erling Haaland grows! This guy with rings on every finger adding another chapter on the low block!
FaZe Rug tosses the pill in the air! A hug with the coach! This dark horse mission accomplished!
Kyrie Irving and Shaquille O'Neal lap the court arm in arm, singing. Off-key. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
97-120 (L)
This certified bucket Stephen Curry comes out aggressive! Opens with a free throw on the low block!
That one wasn't even close, Erling Haaland! Stick to scoring the winning goal!
Stephen Curry coughs up the Wilson! Shaky emotions under pressure strikes again in transition!
Stephen Curry, this smooth operator, gets exploited in the switch! Heavy feet exposed in the mismatch!
Erling Haaland treats the pill like the winning goal and sinks it. Easy as pie for an association football player!
Halftime whistle! Erling Haaland grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. They say Erling Haaland has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Kyrie Irving, this solid build, waves off the play call! Shaky emotions under pressure hurting the team!
Shaquille O'Neal dishes the leather but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Erling Haaland, this all-around player, sets a brick-wall screen! Iron discipline on full display!
FaZe Rug, this unknown gem, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
This certified GOAT candidate Shaquille O'Neal shakes hands and moves on. In the end, limited stamina proved costly.
Erling Haaland sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Shaquille O'Neal winces. I learned tonight that Erling Haaland used to be a youtuber. That explains the unique running style. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
82-111 (L)
Stephen Curry launches with energy from the opening whistle! This headliner locked in!
Stephen Curry rushes a sky hook from mid-range! Hot head creeping in!
Stephen Curry, this smooth operator, gets called for the carry! Shaky emotions under pressure in ball-handling!
Stephen Curry, this tweener, fouls unnecessarily at the buzzer! Hot head!
Stephen Curry slams the Spalding in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Halftime! FaZe Rug is limping slightly heading off the court. Did you know? FaZe Rug once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
FaZe Rug goes 0 for the quarter! A youtuber having a rough shift with their camera!
Erling Haaland, this living legend, is dragging! The allotted time minutes taking their toll!
Intercepted! FaZe Rug's pass snatched right out of the air! A youtuber would never be that careless!
Shaquille O'Neal, this walking skyscraper, sits down hard on the bench! Lack of consistency written all over his face!
Stephen Curry had the chances but couldn't convert. This guy everybody knows left wanting.
Kyrie Irving taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Erling Haaland walks through the door without pushing it. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
94-115 (L)
FaZe Rug gets the starting nod! A youtuber starting with their camera confidence!
Stephen Curry, this top-tier talent, fumbles the finish from mid-range! Back to the drawing board!
Stephen Curry tries to be too fancy and loses the pill! Lack of consistency in the decision-making!
FaZe Rug gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the algorithm on a rough day!
Stephen Curry knocks down a pull-up jumper off the pick and roll! Ice in the veins!
The locker room fills up. FaZe Rug has already eaten three oranges. Rumor has it FaZe Rug tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Stephen Curry glares at the scoreboard! This reliable star not happy with the situation!
This top-tier talent Kyrie Irving muscles up a pull-up jumper but can't get it to fall!
Shaquille O'Neal, this mammoth, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Shaquille O'Neal is gassed! This living legend bent over at half court! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
This hidden prospect FaZe Rug tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Shaquille O'Neal bites his lip, fists clenched. Erling Haaland shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-126 (L)
Kyrie Irving, this reliable star, draws first blood! A sky hook to start!
FaZe Rug skips it off the rim! The algorithm has better hop than that!
Stephen Curry with a wild pass that sails out! This bonafide star giving it away!
Shaquille O'Neal, this absolute unit, gets dunked on facing the rim! Poster material!
This certified GOAT candidate Shaquille O'Neal hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at the buzzer!
Break! Erling Haaland heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Exclusive info: Erling Haaland is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Break's over, the players take their positions.
FaZe Rug throws up a clunker! Their camera would weep at that trajectory!
Kyrie Irving, this all-around player, laboring up and down! Ego the size of Texas draining the energy!
Erling Haaland forces the pass! Forcing their football boots where it doesn't fit!
Kyrie Irving blows past away from the huddle! This max-contract guy in a dark place mentally!
FaZe Rug tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we captivates better, like the algorithm!'
FaZe Rug chews his nails on the bench. Stephen Curry stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-134 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal crosses over into position! This once-in-a-lifetime player not wasting any time!
Erling Haaland, this basketball god, with a contested step-back three that misses from the right corner!
Kyrie Irving, this solid build, gets stripped at half court! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
Erling Haaland gets posterized! An association football player framed by their football boots in the worst way!
Shaquille O'Neal mouths off and picks up a T! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
Rest. Kyrie Irving buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Exclusive: Kyrie Irving was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Erling Haaland gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the association football player touch can't save that one!
FaZe Rug, this combo guard, looks exhausted at half court! The legs are gone!
Sloppy handling by FaZe Rug! Captivating the algorithm is done with more finesse!
Shaquille O'Neal, this walking skyscraper, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to rush on full display!
FaZe Rug packs up and heads out! Packing their camera, unpacking emotions!
Kyrie Irving sits on the floor in the hallway. Stephen Curry sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
100-115 (L)
Tip-off! Shaquille O'Neal gets us started! Let's go!
Stephen Curry lets fly the rock into the front rim! That's frustrating for this bonafide star!
Shaquille O'Neal loses the pill in traffic! This certified GOAT candidate can't afford that!
This first-ballot legend Erling Haaland caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Stephen Curry catches fire! And it's a sky hook! Pure God-given talent taking over!
Halftime. Erling Haaland's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Did you know? Erling Haaland has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
FaZe Rug sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a youtuber after a long shift!
Brick! Erling Haaland misfires in transition! Injury-prone body at the worst time!
This franchise cornerstone Shaquille O'Neal runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Shaquille O'Neal is cramping up! This hall-of-fame lock trying to shake it off! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Shaquille O'Neal walks off in silence. This household name gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Shaquille O'Neal refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. FaZe Rug watches it and immediately regrets it. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
My Team finishes #12 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season journal
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