My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Paul Wight. Standing at 210 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Albert Einstein. The man is an inventor. A freaking inventor. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their prototype sketch and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
77-121 (L)
Michelle Obama starts in the leader! Playing the leader way a lawyer plays with their heavy case law!
Kevin Hart, this top-tier talent, with the shot-clock heave! No good from way beyond the arc!
Paul Wight, this titan, gets stripped from the right corner! Tendency to force bad shots exposed!
Paul Wight scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Tendency to force bad shots!
Kevin Hart walks away muttering! Muttering about the risky picture under their breath!
Players head to the locker room. Michelle Obama has tape on three fingers. Locker room anecdote: Michelle Obama talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Kevin Hart denied by the basket! Even a film producer can't pry it open!
Kevin Hart misses the rotation! Too tired, like a film producer too tired for the risky picture!
This hooper's hooper Paul Wight loses concentration and the leather with it!
Paul Wight, this 7-footer, waves off the play call! Occasional mental lapses hurting the team!
Despite the loss, Michelle Obama held their own with the prosecution's claim! The lawyer fought!
Michelle Obama stares at her hands like she doesn't recognize them. Kevin Hart exhales. Again. And again. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
82-109 (L)
Albert Einstein, this do-it-all player, sets the tone immediately! A gym-rat work ethic from the jump!
Dwayne Johnson can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this generational talent!
Dwayne Johnson with the lazy pass! Tendency to force bad shots leading to easy points!
This household name Albert Einstein caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Kevin Hart spins and delivers a two-handed slam! Their loaded checkbook by day, buckets by night!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Michelle Obama to massage her thighs. Intel: Michelle Obama refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Albert Einstein looks to the heavens! An inventor praying for their prototype sketch to work!
Dwayne Johnson drives and fires but misses everything! Hot head tonight!
Albert Einstein schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true inventor!
Dwayne Johnson, this smooth operator, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Kevin Hart vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their loaded checkbook reinforced with the risky picture!
Paul Wight pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Albert Einstein takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
97-116 (L)
Paul Wight takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Kevin Hart, this guy everybody knows, with a contested pull-up jumper that misses at the buzzer!
This respected competitor Paul Wight dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Paul Wight gets crossed over! This player on the come-up left frozen from downtown!
Paul Wight catches fire! And it's a scoop layup! A killer instinct taking over!
The players head in. Albert Einstein slips on the wet tunnel floor. I've been told Albert Einstein once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Michelle Obama slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a lawyer hits the workbench!
Paul Wight, this walking skyscraper, bobbles the Wilson and the chance evaporates along the baseline!
Michelle Obama uses their size out there! The lawyer has a built-in advantage!
This absolute legend Dwayne Johnson stumbles! The fatigue is real after this ball game!
Albert Einstein tips the cap to the winners! The inventor's grace with the status quo!
Michelle Obama sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Kevin Hart winces. Behind the scenes, I learned Kevin Hart was also a lawyer in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
87-132 (L)
Albert Einstein steps onto the floor! From revolutionizing the status quo to this, game time!
Kevin Hart misfires on the floater! Too much float, the film producer touch abandoned them!
Paul Wight, this mammoth, commits the travel! Limited stamina in the footwork!
Dwayne Johnson, this combo guard, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over hot head!
Paul Wight mouths off and picks up a T! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
Break! Michelle Obama takes her jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know Michelle Obama plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Albert Einstein forces up an and-one over the defense! Occasional mental lapses! Bad decision!
Paul Wight is visibly tired! This up-and-coming baller needs a timeout badly!
Sloppy handling by Michelle Obama! Dismantling the prosecution's claim is done with more finesse!
Kevin Hart stares in disbelief! The look of a film producer who just lost everything!
Dwayne Johnson sits alone on the bench. This certified GOAT candidate processing the defeat.
Paul Wight hurls his water bottle at the wall. Dwayne Johnson flinches but doesn't react. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
94-99 (L)
Paul Wight fires up the crowd to open the game! This up-and-coming baller starting strong!
Kevin Hart pulls up the rock into the front rim! That's frustrating for this guy everybody knows!
Michelle Obama turns it over on the inbound pass! A lawyer dropping their heavy case law at the worst time!
Albert Einstein reacts too late to rotate! Shaky emotions under pressure on the help side!
Dwayne Johnson scores with insane court vision. A tear drop off the pick and roll! Too smooth!
Halftime whistle. Dwayne Johnson high-fives his teammates on the way out. Anecdote: Dwayne Johnson threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Kevin Hart, this lightning-quick little man, sits down hard on the bench! Ego the size of Texas written all over his face!
Brick! Dwayne Johnson misfires from the left corner! Occasional mental lapses at the worst time!
Dwayne Johnson crosses over into the right spacing! Nerves of steel and elite court awareness!
Dwayne Johnson, this do-it-all player, laboring up and down! Shaky emotions under pressure draining the energy!
Michelle Obama packs up and heads out! Packing their heavy case law, unpacking emotions!
Paul Wight chews his nails on the bench. Michelle Obama stares at her shoes like they're the source of the problem. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
80-125 (L)
This global icon Albert Einstein gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Paul Wight with the contested buzzer beater under the basket! No good! Bad selection!
This undisputed superstar Dwayne Johnson with turnover number lengths ahead! Lack of consistency is piling up!
Michelle Obama gives up the easy bucket! Easier than dismantling the prosecution's claim!
Michelle Obama, this smooth operator, throws the hands up! Exasperated from downtown!
The locker room. Paul Wight sprawls out full-length on the bench. Anecdote: Paul Wight fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Kevin Hart can't find the range! Their loaded checkbook has better accuracy than that!
Albert Einstein is running on pure willpower! This basketball god refusing to quit!
Kevin Hart with the backcourt violation! This big-name player under too much pressure!
This household name Michelle Obama fouls hard out of frustration! Lack of consistency showing!
Dwayne Johnson fades away past the media. This once-in-a-lifetime player not in the mood to talk.
Kevin Hart taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Michelle Obama walks through the door without pushing it. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
86-126 (L)
Kevin Hart sets the tone early! The film producer came to play tonight!
Albert Einstein misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the status quo!
This legit talent Paul Wight commits the offensive foul! Turnover off the pick and roll!
Michelle Obama left in the dust! Even a lawyer moves faster than that!
Paul Wight dribbles and kicks the stanchion! This established player losing composure!
Halftime whistle. Michelle Obama has dried blood on her elbow but plays tough. Little scoop: Michelle Obama collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than her first contract. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Kevin Hart, this elusive guard, loses the handle and the opportunity! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
This well-respected player Paul Wight has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Kevin Hart, this scrappy guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the left corner!
Paul Wight mutters to himself walking back! This league veteran fighting inner demons!
Michelle Obama consoles teammates! The heart of a lawyer in that moment!
Michelle Obama stares at the floor while Dwayne Johnson mutters something inaudible under his breath. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
76-121 (L)
Dwayne Johnson, this all-around player, takes the court! The Finals-like atmosphere is electric!
Paul Wight, this player on the come-up, fumbles the finish in transition! Back to the drawing board!
Dwayne Johnson, this swiss-army-knife type, steps out of bounds with the leather! Mental lapse!
Albert Einstein gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the status quo behind their prototype sketch!
Kevin Hart mouths off in the dying seconds! A film producer venting about the risky picture!
Halftime whistle. Dwayne Johnson high-fives his teammates on the way out. Fun fact: Dwayne Johnson failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Michelle Obama misses! Even a lawyer can't fix that shot!
Kevin Hart grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their loaded checkbook in the workshop!
Kevin Hart drives the Spalding right to the defense! Costly mistake by this reliable star!
Albert Einstein is visibly upset! Upset as an inventor when the status quo goes sideways!
This player on the come-up Paul Wight leaves the gymnasium with head held high. Fought to the end.
Albert Einstein and Michelle Obama walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
91-111 (L)
Game time! Paul Wight and this dude putting the league on notice ready to put on a show at the gym!
Kevin Hart, this low-to-the-ground speedster, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Sometimes predictable game!
Kevin Hart throws it into the stands! What was that from this multi-time All-Star!
Michelle Obama fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a lawyer chasing the prosecution's claim!
Dwayne Johnson, this combo guard, uses strength and skill for a double-clutch layup! Complete player!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Dwayne Johnson to massage his thighs. Rumor has it Dwayne Johnson has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Paul Wight storms to the bench! This guy with a proven track record is visibly upset!
Dwayne Johnson, this undisputed superstar, comes up empty! A thunderous slam off target driving to the hoop!
Michelle Obama plays the chess match! Outsmarted them like a lawyer on their best day!
Kevin Hart calls for the sub! Even a film producer's stamina with their loaded checkbook has limits!
This hall-of-fame lock Dwayne Johnson congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this hall-of-fame lock.
Dwayne Johnson shakes Kevin Hart's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Evening confession: I'm wearing Dwayne Johnson's jersey under my shirt. For morale. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
91-108 (L)
Albert Einstein announces themselves! The inventor has arrived and the building knows it!
Albert Einstein, this combo guard, gets the separation but can't finish! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Intercepted! Kevin Hart's pass snatched right out of the air! A film producer would never be that careless!
Michelle Obama caught flat-footed! Standing still, the lawyer reflexes took a nap!
Albert Einstein scores off the glass! Bank shot precision of an inventor!
Halftime whistle. Michelle Obama spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Fun fact: Michelle Obama got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Dwayne Johnson steps back the towel! This potential GOAT showing sometimes predictable game!
Kevin Hart steps back but overcooks it! Limited stamina showing up again!
Kevin Hart calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's film producer mentality!
Michelle Obama gulps water! As thirsty as a lawyer reaching for the prosecution's claim!
Michelle Obama had the chances but couldn't convert. This franchise cornerstone left wanting.
Dwayne Johnson stares at the floor while Albert Einstein mutters something inaudible under his breath. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
78-119 (L)
Dwayne Johnson, this smooth operator, announced to huge cheers! A hostile crowd!
Michelle Obama can't buy a bucket! Maybe the prosecution's claim would be easier to aim!
Albert Einstein dribbles it off their foot! Their prototype sketch would never betray an inventor like that!
Kevin Hart can't contain the drive! Greenlighting the risky picture is more containable!
Kevin Hart, this little thunder, pounds the scorer's table! Lack of consistency on full display!
Break. Albert Einstein asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Fun fact: Albert Einstein blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Kevin Hart fires and misses at the buzzer. Should have stuck with the risky picture!
Dwayne Johnson is cramping up! This hall-of-fame lock trying to shake it off! Injury-prone body!
Dwayne Johnson coughs up the rock! Sometimes predictable game strikes again in the paint!
This hooper's hooper Paul Wight shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Kevin Hart walks off in defeat! Even a film producer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Dwayne Johnson punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Michelle Obama slides down the wall to the floor. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
85-129 (L)
Michelle Obama takes the court to a packed arena! The lawyer with their heavy case law is here!
Albert Einstein air-mails a catch-and-shoot triple at the top of the key! Way off for this household name!
Michelle Obama with the careless pass! Dismantling the prosecution's claim with more care, please!
This living legend Dwayne Johnson gives up the offensive rebound! Tendency to force bad shots when boxing out!
Albert Einstein fires away away from the huddle! This guy with rings on every finger in a dark place mentally!
End of the first half. Paul Wight is beet red but still standing. Little scoop: Paul Wight logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Albert Einstein gets a clean look but tendency to force bad shots costs the bucket!
Paul Wight misses from fatigue! This dude putting the league on notice can't get the elevation in the paint!
This established player Paul Wight with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
This dude putting the league on notice Paul Wight gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Paul Wight, this established player, takes the loss hard. Limited stamina at the wrong moments.
Kevin Hart's eyes are red, jaw tight. Albert Einstein apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
84-129 (L)
Paul Wight opens with an and-one! This guy with a proven track record making an early statement!
Dwayne Johnson goes to work the orange right into the defender's hands! Tendency to rush!
Albert Einstein turns it over in the baseline! Butterfingers from this inventor!
Kevin Hart, this short king, gets dunked on from the left corner! Poster material!
Albert Einstein glares at the Spalding! Like it personally betrayed this inventor!
That's a wrap for now. Paul Wight dives into the tunnel. Anecdote: Paul Wight slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
This certified GOAT candidate Albert Einstein misfires again! Lack of consistency could cost the team!
Dwayne Johnson, this all-around player, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Dwayne Johnson passes to nobody! This household name with a head-scratching decision!
Michelle Obama shakes their head! A lawyer who can't believe that just happened!
Paul Wight walks off in silence. This hooper's hooper gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Michelle Obama sits on the floor in the hallway. Kevin Hart sits down next to her. Nobody speaks. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-133 (L)
Dwayne Johnson, this absolute legend, embraces the palpable tension! Game on!
Michelle Obama shoots but the shot rims out! Heavy feet rears its ugly head!
Albert Einstein throws it away! A pass worse than an inventor tossing the status quo!
Kevin Hart gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a film producer's worst day on the job!
Albert Einstein throws their hands up! Like an inventor when their prototype sketch breaks!
Halftime. Paul Wight wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Bus driver's confession: Paul Wight raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Michelle Obama gets blocked! Rejected harder than a lawyer's worst day on the job!
Paul Wight is gassed! This dude putting the league on notice bent over at half court! Ego the size of Texas catching up!
Albert Einstein throws it out of bounds! Like launching their prototype sketch into the void!
This franchise guy Kevin Hart can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
This max-contract guy Kevin Hart tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Michelle Obama sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Paul Wight has his head in his hands. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-127 (L)
Michelle Obama gets the starting nod! A lawyer starting with their heavy case law confidence!
Albert Einstein can't connect! Their prototype sketch in hand, sure. The rock through the hoop, nope!
Kevin Hart crosses over into a dead end at the buzzer! Turnover! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
This certified GOAT candidate Albert Einstein fouls reaching in! Sometimes predictable game on defense!
Paul Wight drops the head after another miss! Hot head sapping the confidence!
Halftime! Albert Einstein checks his stats on the board and winces. Intel: Albert Einstein once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Michelle Obama launches and misses! The pill isn't the prosecution's claim, and it shows!
Michelle Obama bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a lawyer after their heavy case law overtime!
Albert Einstein gets the ball stripped! The status quo would have stayed in an inventor's grip!
Michelle Obama drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a lawyer's spirit has limits!
Albert Einstein wipes a tear! An inventor who poured everything into the effort!
Michelle Obama has bags under her eyes that weren't there before the game. Albert Einstein has aged ten years in forty minutes. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Paul Wight.
Season journal
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