My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | My Team | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 16 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Victor Wembanyama is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 224 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Donald Trump, his brother-in-law and an investor by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their portfolio ledger and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Donald Trump can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the next venture to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Budget-wise, we're playing in "almost elite" territory. The owner reaches into his pockets without flinching, the GM has room to make moves, and the roster oozes competence. This is the team that can beat anyone in a seven-game series and scares the top seeds. The only problem? When you're chasing a title, "almost" is a damn dirty word. But tonight, we'll see if they can go from "almost" to "finally."
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
83-118 (L)
Stephen Curry lets fly with energy from the opening whistle! This bonafide star locked in!
Hulk with a wild attempt! This global icon not finding the range tonight!
Stephen Curry charges right into the defender! Turnover! Heavy feet when controlling pace!
Hulk, this all-around player, can't keep up with the speed! Lack of consistency exposed!
Stephen Curry glares at the scoreboard! This reliable star not happy with the situation!
Break! Stephen Curry heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Juicy anecdote: Stephen Curry was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Donald Trump misfires from along the baseline! Their portfolio ledger calibration needed!
Stephen Curry, this established star, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Donald Trump throws it into the stands! What was that from this global icon!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, sits down hard on the bench! Occasional mental lapses written all over his face!
Jesus Christ packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Jesus Christ's gaze is cold, distant. Donald Trump's gaze is hot, angry. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Donald Trump. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
108-91 (W)
Stephen Curry, this max-contract guy, draws first blood! A thunderous slam to start!
Donald Trump crosses over past everyone for a reverse layup! This smooth operator on a mission!
Hulk boxes out! Making space, that's the scientist work ethic!
Victor Wembanyama, this giant, with the pocket pass! An off-the-charts basketball IQ in tight spaces!
Hulk adjusts the matchup! Finding the right fit, the scientist approach!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Jesus Christ picks up the pace. Locker room anecdote: Jesus Christ talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Hulk takes off the rock with flair and hits a two-handed slam! Sensational!
Wild stands, all because of an investor named Donald Trump with the next venture!
Jesus Christ takes the charge for the team! Heart of a messiah, sacrifice of a warrior!
Hulk's teammates feed off the scientist energy! That confidence is contagious!
Stephen Curry, this certified bucket, high-fives the bench! A raised fist! Team effort!
Jesus Christ and Donald Trump act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
107-108 (L)
Hulk bounces the orange pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Stephen Curry fires away the damn ball with nerves of steel. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
This world-class player Stephen Curry bites on the fake! Beaten from downtown!
Jesus Christ shanks it from the high post! Competing the game uses different muscles!
Donald Trump hits another! This first-ballot legend on a personal run from way beyond the arc!
Halftime whistle. Hulk spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. I've been told Hulk always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Jesus Christ coughs it up with the game on the line! The game slipping away!
Jesus Christ tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the messiah will bounce back!
The transformation of Donald Trump is complete! This undisputed superstar has arrived!
Jesus Christ called for the travel at the buzzer! Walking away from the game shame!
This established star Stephen Curry congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this established star.
Donald Trump presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Hulk walks right past without noticing. Tonight I had a revelation: Hulk runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
97-104 (L)
Stephen Curry pulls up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this certified bucket!
Hulk can't finish! The scientist who finishes the hidden truth can't finish the play!
Victor Wembanyama, this mountain of a man, gets stripped at the buzzer! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Jesus Christ left in the dust! Even a messiah moves faster than that!
Jesus Christ hits the triple! Three lengths ahead, three cheers for this messiah turned baller!
Halftime whistle! Hulk grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Anecdote: Hulk threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Donald Trump picks up the second technical! This basketball god ejected! Tendency to force bad shots!
Victor Wembanyama forces up a step-back three over the defense! Sometimes predictable game! Bad decision!
Donald Trump dunks to the right spot! Unreal swagger off-ball movement!
Hulk cramps up! Muscles tight from their lab notebook and the pill double duty!
Hulk shakes hands through the pain! A scientist who respects their lab notebook and the game!
Stephen Curry chews his nails on the bench. Jesus Christ stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
113-93 (W)
This seasoned vet Victor Wembanyama opens the scoring! A buzzer beater! Early advantage!
Stephen Curry drains a two-handed slam from along the baseline! Textbook a gym-rat work ethic!
Hulk digs in defensively! Eyes in the back of the head when the team needs stops!
Stephen Curry with the skip pass! Assist leads to an open scoop layup!
Victor Wembanyama, this hooper's hooper, manages the clock beautifully in the closing moments!
Break! Stephen Curry grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Anecdote: Stephen Curry tried to impress the Phoenix No-Defense players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Hulk drills it from mid-range! That scientist precision with their lab notebook pays off!
The energy in this building is unreal! Donald Trump channeling a sold-out gym on fire!
Hulk, this smooth operator, sets the perfect screen! Scary good handles for the team!
The arc of this game bends toward Hulk! This living legend controlling destiny!
Victor Wembanyama tosses the Wilson in the air! A raised fist! This player making noise mission accomplished!
Stephen Curry and Hulk do celebratory push-ups. Victor Wembanyama counts out loud. Definitely cheating. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Stephen Curry's name. Forgive me. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
96-111 (L)
Stephen Curry looks dialed in from the start! Iron discipline preparation showing!
Victor Wembanyama, this oversized freak, gets the separation but can't finish! Occasional mental lapses!
Hulk pulls up into a dead end in transition! Turnover! Lack of consistency!
Jesus Christ gets blown by! Even a messiah couldn't stop that!
A layup from Stephen Curry! This certified bucket reminding everyone why they're on top!
That's a cut. Victor Wembanyama stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. I've been told Victor Wembanyama once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, pounds the scorer's table! Heavy feet on full display!
Hulk misses! Even a scientist can't fix that shot!
Stephen Curry spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Donald Trump is huffing and puffing! Winded, even an investor would call it quits!
Hulk hangs their head! A scientist who gave everything they had!
Donald Trump stares at the floor while Hulk mutters something inaudible under his breath. I learned tonight that Donald Trump used to be a messiah. That explains the unique running style. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
115-94 (W)
Tip-off! Victor Wembanyama gets us started! Let's go!
Jesus Christ attacks in the paint and finishes with a pull-up jumper! Too good!
This respected competitor Victor Wembanyama takes the charge from the right corner! Gutsy play!
Jesus Christ dishes a beautiful pass! Special delivery from this messiah!
Donald Trump shoots with purpose every possession! This all-time great chess master!
Break! Jesus Christ heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Rumor has it Jesus Christ talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
This headliner Stephen Curry with a beautiful scoop layup on the low block! Poetry in motion!
Deafening noise! Hulk penetrates and the building shakes!
This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry swings the leather around! A gym-rat work ethic ball movement!
Jesus Christ's arc from the game to a tear drop is the stuff of movies!
This basketball god Donald Trump thanks the fans! The crowd is on its feet! What a ride!
Victor Wembanyama does a cartwheel at center court. Hulk tries one too and eats it. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
95-127 (L)
Donald Trump steps onto the arena! From bankrolling the next venture to this, game time!
Victor Wembanyama can't buy a bucket! Another miss in the paint! Frustrating!
This potential GOAT Jesus Christ with turnover number points! Tendency to rush is piling up!
Hulk gets crossed over! This generational talent left frozen on the low block!
Victor Wembanyama, this long boy, uses every inch to deliver a scoop layup!
Halftime! Victor Wembanyama looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Anecdote of the day: Victor Wembanyama forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Victor Wembanyama, this league veteran, with the frustrated foul! Shaky emotions under pressure in tough moments!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, wastes a golden chance with a wild bank shot!
Donald Trump draws the double team! Attracting attention, the investor is a magnet out there!
Victor Wembanyama bends over during the dead ball! This up-and-coming baller gathering what's left!
Stephen Curry walks off in silence. This bonafide star gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Donald Trump stares at the floor while Hulk mutters something inaudible under his breath. Tonight I learned Donald Trump used to be a messiah before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
94-127 (L)
Hulk, this tweener, takes the court! The Playoff atmosphere is electric!
Victor Wembanyama, this absolute unit, bobbles the rock and the chance evaporates back to the basket!
Victor Wembanyama coughs up the pill! Tendency to rush strikes again under the basket!
Donald Trump overcommits and gets beat! Tendency to force bad shots when reading the play!
This basketball god Jesus Christ finishes with authority! A devastating dunk at the top of the key!
End of the second quarter. Hulk is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Little secret: Hulk watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Jesus Christ is visibly upset! Upset as a messiah when the game goes sideways!
Hulk with the contested alley-oop from the right corner! No good! Bad selection!
Victor Wembanyama pushes the pace in transition! An unmatched feel for the game showing in every play!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Jesus Christ refuses to make excuses! A messiah owns the game failures too!
Jesus Christ stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Hulk exhales. Again. And again. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
93-124 (L)
Jesus Christ announces themselves! The messiah has arrived and the building knows it!
Hulk, this swiss-army-knife type, loses the handle and the opportunity! Lack of consistency!
Victor Wembanyama with the backcourt violation! This guy with a proven track record under too much pressure!
Jesus Christ beaten to the spot! Slower than a messiah on a Monday morning!
Stephen Curry explodes past the defense for a finger roll! Size advantage from this this do-it-all player!
Break. Hulk's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Small detail: Hulk whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Hulk kicks the air! The frustration of a scientist who knows they can do better!
Jesus Christ bobbles and misses! Fumbling the ball like it's a Monday morning!
Hulk plays the chess match! Outsmarted them like a scientist on their best day!
Jesus Christ plays through exhaustion! The endurance of competing the game daily!
This undisputed superstar Donald Trump tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Stephen Curry's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Jesus Christ breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. I learned that Stephen Curry's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
109-106 (W)
Hulk takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, with the clutch rebound in traffic! The crowd is on its feet!
Hulk rushes a devastating dunk in the paint! Limited stamina creeping in!
Jesus Christ rises and fires! Competing the game never felt this athletic!
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
The players file out. Victor Wembanyama exchanges a tense look with the coach. Little secret: Victor Wembanyama has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Victor Wembanyama with the gutsy euro-step on the low block! That dawg mentality on full display!
Victor Wembanyama a left-handed block and starts the fast break! Defense wins championships!
Palpable tension as Donald Trump, this tweener, is introduced! Goosebumps!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, hits the big shot! After a timeout! That's a closer!
Stephen Curry pulls up off the court victorious! This All-Star caliber talent leaves it all out there!
Hulk and Donald Trump play rock-paper-scissors to decide who carries the ball. Hulk loses. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
92-102 (L)
Donald Trump, this franchise cornerstone, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
This hall-of-fame lock Jesus Christ throws up a prayer from the left corner! Not answered!
Stephen Curry fires away carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
This dude putting the league on notice Victor Wembanyama picks up the cheap foul! Occasional mental lapses showing!
Stephen Curry with another half-court heave! You can't stop this man!
Both teams head to the locker room. Stephen Curry wipes his forehead with his jersey. The staff told me Stephen Curry sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Victor Wembanyama spins and kicks the stanchion! This player making noise losing composure!
A bank shot from Victor Wembanyama hits the iron! Occasional mental lapses under the spotlight!
Donald Trump zones up! Defensive zone like an investor's the next venture zone!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, with tired legs at the top of the key! Injury-prone body slowing this world-class player down!
This big-name player Stephen Curry stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this big-name player wanted.
Donald Trump bites his lip, fists clenched. Jesus Christ shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. I got a text from Donald Trump after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
97-111 (L)
Hulk, this solid build, sets the tone immediately! Unreal swagger from the jump!
Hulk heaves and misses! Should have heaved the hidden truth instead!
Jesus Christ with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
This respected competitor Victor Wembanyama caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Stephen Curry, this All-Star caliber talent, knifes through for a double-clutch layup on the low block! Wow!
Rest time. Hulk isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Fun fact: Hulk was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Hulk can't mask the disappointment! This global icon wearing it on the sleeve!
Donald Trump can't find the range! Their portfolio ledger has better accuracy than that!
Hulk, this swiss-army-knife type, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Eyes in the back of the head!
Victor Wembanyama is visibly tired! This league veteran needs a timeout badly!
Donald Trump looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for an investor!
Stephen Curry's eyes are glassy. Jesus Christ mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
101-110 (L)
And we're underway! Victor Wembanyama touches the basketball first! This name that's buzzing looks eager!
Stephen Curry can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this franchise guy!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted in transition!
Hulk watches them score! Just watching, like watching their lab notebook gather dust!
What a shot from Jesus Christ! A messiah bringing their bare hands energy to the venue!
Halftime whistle. Stephen Curry has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Intel: Stephen Curry refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Donald Trump, this swiss-army-knife type, throws the hands up! Exasperated in transition!
Donald Trump misfires! The investor's precision with the next venture is nowhere to be found!
Victor Wembanyama posts up into the right spacing! Natural-born leadership and elite court awareness!
Jesus Christ mops their face! Sweating more than when competing the game!
Hulk leaves the palace of hoops quietly! Quiet as a scientist after the hidden truth setback!
Stephen Curry pulls his cap down over his eyes. Jesus Christ doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-128 (L)
Jesus Christ locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a messiah who means business!
Hulk dishes but the shot rims out! Tendency to force bad shots rears its ugly head!
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, commits the travel! Occasional mental lapses in the footwork!
Jesus Christ loses the screen battle! Shaky emotions under pressure around the picks!
Hulk pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The scientist in them is showing!
Both teams head in. Hulk has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. True story: Hulk walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Awkward. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Jesus Christ launches a finger roll and... Airball! Shaky emotions under pressure at its peak!
Victor Wembanyama, this guy with a proven track record, sucking wind after that sprint! The 48 regulation minutes of battle!
Turnover by Donald Trump! Bankrolling the next venture requires less coordination, clearly!
Donald Trump mutters to himself walking back! This absolute legend fighting inner demons!
Donald Trump walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to investor life tomorrow!
Hulk taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Donald Trump walks through the door without pushing it. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
My Team finishes #13 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
Season journal
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