My dream NFL team — american_football_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Kansas City Burnt-Ends

22-40 (L)

Fingertips like that do not come from football practice. The inventor does precision work all week and it showed up at the catch point. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Kansas City Burnt-Ends, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

Rob Gronkowski stutters, the defender freezes, and that is all he needed. Twelve extra yards on a play that should have been dead. Bounce it OUTSIDE! Rob Gronkowski sees the pursuit overrun the play, hits the sideline and dives at the pylon for the score! The 33-yard extra point stopped being free a long time ago, but Justin Herbert still treats it like it is. Right down the pipe.

Helmets on the turf, referees buried in the middle of it, Justin Herbert disqualified. Whatever this game was about ten seconds ago, it is about something else now. Back shoulder fade at the pylon, and Kansas City Burnt-Ends comes down with it over a defender who had inside leverage and nothing behind him. Perfectly placed, and this one is on us.

That is vision. The front seven overflows, the backside gap opens for half a second, and Mike Alstott is already standing in it. Their best edge rusher, one on one, no chip, no help, and Mike Alstott rides him three yards past the quarterback. That matchup has been settled since the first quarter. He yanked it. Mike Alstott pulls the kick, the ball drifts outside the upright, and the field goal unit just stands there.

Samuel Finley Breese Morse met that running back in a phone booth, and there was only ever room for one of them. Illegal substitution. Samuel Finley Breese Morse is caught halfway to the sideline at the snap, and the flag is out immediately. Field position, then penalties, then the score. Kansas City Burnt-Ends has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

Halftime. The coordinator upstairs is already on the headset with Jerry Rice's position group. The pyro cues fire two full seconds early. Somebody in a production truck is having a rough afternoon. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Left Tackle! To win a folding chair rated for exactly one lineman and not one lineman more, text BLITZ to 555-0208 and answer this question: 'How many linemen can share one folding chair before physics gets involved?' Out of the tunnel at a dead sprint. Somebody in there got the point across.

OUT AND OUT OF BOUNDS! Justin Herbert on the money to Jerry Rice and this drive still has all the time it needs! The whole front flows inside and Jerry Rice takes it the other way around the corner. Nobody set the edge, nobody had contain. Jerry Rice used that back pylon like a fence post -- plant, turn, and the football arrived like it had an appointment. The loneliest job in football is the one where making it earns you nothing, and Jerry Rice just made it again.

Four-man rush, nobody blitzed. Mike Alstott wins a one-on-one in under two and a half seconds, and that is how you wreck a game plan. That is a killer. Mike Alstott turns late, the receiver runs through him, and the flag is in the air before the ball comes down. Six for Kansas City Burnt-Ends. Nobody carried the crosser, and that was a walk-in from twelve yards out.

Pinned inside the one after that punt, they never got a chance to breathe. Barry Sanders makes the tackle in the end zone. Two on the board.

Barry Sanders spins the ball on the turf, drops to a crouch, and stares at it like it owes him an explanation. It spins for a genuinely absurd amount of time. The crowd counts along. When it finally falls over, seventy thousand people yell at once and Barry Sanders walks off without looking back.

Rob Gronkowski jogs backwards asking the official what exactly he was supposed to do out there. The referee already has the microphone down. Ohhh, that one hurts. Kansas City Burnt-Ends runs the same counter they have run all afternoon, the backside end crashes again, and it is a touchdown.

Beautiful key read. Barry Sanders sees the guard pull, runs the mesh point down, and meets the back before the handoff is even clean. That is the third field goal of the day for Kansas City Burnt-Ends. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

HE GOT A PIECE OF IT! Barry Sanders arrives with the football, and their receiver is still asking for a flag that is never coming! Nobody on that offensive line got the memo they had a inventor booked for the afternoon. Two seconds of work, one flattened pocket. A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Kansas City Burnt-Ends stretches the lead.

BOOM! Samuel Finley Breese Morse comes off the edge untouched and puts the opposing quarterback in the dirt for a loss of nine! In his day job the inventor deals with customers. Today he has exactly one, and that customer is extremely unsatisfied. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Kansas City Burnt-Ends adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Third and 6, Justin Herbert completes the shallow cross, and the receiver turns it up inside the sticks for the first down. Three defenders under it and only Jerry Rice actually played the football. Everybody else played the crowd. That is precisely how a Hail Mary gets caught.

Mike Alstott sits with elbows on knees, breathing like the game is still going. Samuel Finley Breese Morse is barely breathing at all. And here is the answer to our game The Weakest Left Tackle! Ray Dean Wobbleton of Anvil Flats, Kentucky, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many linemen can share one folding chair before physics gets involved?' The answer was of course one and a half, and the half is the one everybody remembers. Ray Dean takes home a folding chair rated for exactly one lineman and not one lineman more! My analyst brought a blanket to the booth tonight. I mocked him in the first quarter. I asked for a corner of it in the third. That's the game and that's our night. Up next: 'Intervention: My Friend Who Will Not Stop Talking About His Fantasy Team.'

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Champagne-Corks

42-30 (W)

The pressure was coming off the boundary. Justin Herbert saw it, flipped the protection, and suddenly the free rusher had a body standing in his way. Second and 4, heavy personnel, and Justin Herbert throws it over the top for a gain of thirty-one. Watch the safety bite on the run fake -- that is all Justin Herbert needed. One high look, one window, Rob Gronkowski sitting down in the back of the end zone. Through the uprights! Rob Gronkowski adds the point after and the lead grows by one.

That is a violent arrival. Barry Sanders gets there at the same instant as the football and the receiver hears every bit of it -- they will not be throwing many more his way tonight. Barry Sanders folded that pocket like a lawn chair, and the opposing quarterback never saw the ceiling coming down. We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Miami Champagne-Corks, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

This is the part of the game nobody clips for social media, and it is the part that decides Sundays. Justin Herbert is coaching from the line of scrimmage. Justin Herbert reads the low tackle attempt and steps right over the top of it. Feet clean, ball secure, no interruption in the stride. Credit the design here: two receivers crack the safeties, Mike Alstott throws it on rhythm, and Justin Herbert catches the ball with a convoy already in front of him. Two-point attempt: Jerry Rice in from the two. It is good.

The inventor showed up in the backfield before the running back did. In his line of work they call that beating the traffic. The inventor clocked in, walked straight through the left tackle, and clocked the opposing quarterback out. Ten yards of paid overtime. Splits the uprights. Miami Champagne-Corks settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

That offensive line is on its heels and Rob Gronkowski can feel it. Their quarterback is not going to enjoy this quarter. PRESSURE, PRESSURE, Samuel Finley Breese Morse IS THERE! The opposing quarterback gets rid of it with a defender in his lap!

Halftime. Samuel Finley Breese Morse grabs a bag of ice and jams it under the elbow pad. The headliner is singing to a backing track. Everyone knows. Nobody minds. That is the arrangement. And now, our halftime TV game show Who Wants to Be a Punter! To win a punting shoe with no matching second shoe anywhere on earth, text BLITZ to 555-0093 and answer this question: 'How far can a punter kick a football that does not want to go?' On paper the second half is a coin flip. On grass it is about to get decided.

SECOND EFFORT from Mike Alstott! He is stopped, he is not down, and he churns three more feet before the whistle! Heavy personnel, six offensive linemen, and there was no mystery whatsoever about the call. Did not matter: Mike Alstott follows the fullback and gets it in. The coverage sat right on top of that route and Barry Sanders never got separation on the back line. Incomplete, and the scoreboard shows six.

Mike Alstott hit that pile like a dropped anchor, and the entire run game stopped moving right there. It is up, and it is through. Three more for Miami Champagne-Corks, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

Justin Herbert takes the shot down the seam and the corner never turns his head -- FLAG! Pass interference, and Randy Moss has drawn a monster. They will keep handing it to Randy Moss until that goal line moves. Two yards this time, and everybody in the building knows what is coming next. Fourth and goal, football on the one. Randy Moss gets it on the dive, climbs the back of his own center, and the officials put both arms straight up. Jerry Rice converts. Seven points on the drive.

The whole squad drops into a huddle in the end zone, heads down, hands in, and holds it silently while the crowd waits. Then they break upward all at once with a roar and the ball goes straight up in the air. Randy Moss is in the middle of it with his helmet off. Somebody's mouthguard lands twenty yards away and nobody goes and gets it.

Second time in three drives. Miami Champagne-Corks punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

Six rushers, five blockers, and Mike Alstott is the free hat. That math was settled at the line of scrimmage. OH, THAT IS A GIFT AND HE UNWRAPPED IT! Barry Sanders with the pick, and the whole sideline is coming over the bench! Screen game to the field side. Barry Sanders follows the guard, cuts off his hip at the thirty and finishes it untouched. Hold is upright, the spot never moves an inch, and Mike Alstott hits it flush. Nothing about that operation was rushed.

Barry Sanders mimes putting the entire Miami Champagne-Corks secondary to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes closed, swaying gently. Their corner is in his face immediately. Barry Sanders does not open his eyes. Randy Moss arrives at a full sprint and physically removes him from the situation.

Fourth and 4, they go to their number one, and Samuel Finley Breese Morse says absolutely not. Ball on the ground, ball back to us. This one is on the headsets, not the player. Randy Moss was sent out for a package that got waved off two seconds too late. Miami Champagne-Corks goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

This is the throw that separates arms. Justin Herbert has to beat a corner driving downhill from ten yards away, and he beats him with pure velocity. Sweep to the left, Jerry Rice for eleven, out of bounds at the thirty-eight. Oh, he is a MATCHUP PROBLEM! Justin Herbert throws it up where only his guy can reach it and Jerry Rice snatches it away from a man who gave up four inches! Barry Sanders taps the point after through and this one is academic. Seven on the board.

Second and long just got worse. Mike Alstott with the sack, seven yards back, and the chains are a memory. A stop was one snap away, and now Mike Alstott has handed the other sideline field position it did nothing to earn. Play action freezes our linebackers, the tight end slips out behind them, and Miami Champagne-Corks scores with nobody in the picture. That is a bust, plain and simple.

Barry Sanders hands the game ball to a kid behind the bench. Justin Herbert hands over his gloves. Randy Moss hands over his eye black. The kid is buried. And here is the answer to our game Who Wants to Be a Punter! Vonda Lee Skidmore of Tarp Holler, West Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How far can a punter kick a football that does not want to go?' The answer was of course thirty-one yards, and it lands facing the other direction out of spite. Vonda Lee takes home a punting shoe with no matching second shoe anywhere on earth! The window in front of me fogged over in the third quarter. I called the last twelve minutes off a monitor and instinct. We're wrapping it up. Up next: 'Man vs Wild: A Weekend at My In-Laws.' No rescue is coming.

Matchday 3 — vs Cleveland Blank-Helmets

22-18 (W)

Incomplete. Rob Gronkowski breaks it up on third down, and the punt unit starts to jog on. The hands tell the whole story -- Barry Sanders chops, rips underneath the outside shoulder, and the pocket collapses from the top down. Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. Cleveland Blank-Helmets is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

Mike Alstott takes the handoff, hits the A-gap, and there is NOBODY bringing him down at first contact! Five hard ones! The sneak, the tush push, whatever you want to call it -- Mike Alstott has converted it so often that the defense looks resigned before the snap. Fourth and 1, measured, first down awarded. Mike Alstott on the carry and the chains reset. The risk there is enormous. You get flipped in the air and you land on your head, and Mike Alstott clearly does not spend much time thinking about it.

This place is SHAKING! Samuel Finley Breese Morse has been living in that backfield all night and every soul in here knows it! Their sideline is out of ideas. Samuel Finley Breese Morse shadows the route, the quarterback checks it down for two, and the chains stay right where they are. Right down the middle from thirty-four. Cleveland Blank-Helmets caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

TAKE THE TOP OFF! Justin Herbert steps into the throw and hits Randy Moss in stride at the twenty-five with nothing but painted grass in front of him! Rob Gronkowski works so fast that the crowd is still chanting about the touchdown when the football is already through. The whole bench is celebrating and the officials are already reaching for laundry! Jerry Rice took the prop celebration one beat too far and it is going to cost this team real field position.

Randy Moss gets the ball to the mascot, who spikes it far better than any professional athlete has ever spiked a football. Randy Moss stands back and applauds honestly. Rob Gronkowski lifts the mascot onto his shoulders. This is now a mascot's game and everybody accepts it.

Perfect technique from Barry Sanders -- he plays the ball, not the man, and there is not a flag anywhere on this field. Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. Cleveland Blank-Helmets takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

Halftime. The equipment staff swaps Samuel Finley Breese Morse into a dry pair of cleats. Here is a good one: Samuel Finley Breese Morse nearly missed a third-quarter kickoff, deep in conversation with a band director. And now, our halftime TV game show The Ninety Minute Fiance! To win a commemorative plate honoring a couple who did not make it, text BLITZ to 555-2324 and answer this question: 'How long does an engagement last if it begins during a fourth quarter comeback?' Here we go. The kickoff team spreads out across the width of the field.

Samuel Finley Breese Morse has that receiver on a short leash, and the leash has not moved an inch since the opening kickoff. He had one job on that snap and he did it in full -- Mike Alstott chases the opposing quarterback down from behind and buries him a yard deep. TWO POINTS!

Mike Alstott takes a knee, bows his head for a beat, then rises and points both hands to a single section in the upper deck. Somebody up there is holding a sign with his mother's name on it. The broadcast finds her in eleven seconds. She is destroyed and so is half the country watching.

He is UNBLOCKABLE right now! Barry Sanders is in the backfield again and their offensive coordinator just slammed the call sheet down! A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Cleveland Blank-Helmets stretches the lead.

Justin Herbert read that front like a menu and ordered the one thing the kitchen could not refuse. This is the answer to pressure: Justin Herbert gets it out in 1.8 seconds, Rob Gronkowski sits down in the soft spot of the zone, and the rush never mattered. Two high pre-snap that rolled to one high after the motion. Justin Herbert read it, held the free safety with his eyes and threw it to grass. Rob Gronkowski did the rest of the work. Two-point conversion attempt is no good. Mike Alstott tackled at the one.

Nowhere to go. Rob Gronkowski plugs the hole and that running back is swallowed up for no gain. Splits the uprights. Cleveland Blank-Helmets settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

There is no defense for this. The corner is carrying vertically, Justin Herbert drops it in behind him, and Rob Gronkowski stops on a dime to pluck it out of the air. Twelve plays, eighty-one yards, and it ends with Rob Gronkowski diving in with three defenders hanging off his shoulder pads. That is a drive. Barry Sanders jogs on, kicks it through, jogs off. If you blinked you missed the whole thing, and that is exactly the idea.

Helmet off, Rob Gronkowski looks up into a stadium doing something he will remember when he is eighty, and he just turns a full slow circle taking it in. No pose, no gesture, nothing for the cameras. Mike Alstott stands beside him with a hand on his shoulder pad and lets him have it. The loudest sixty seconds of anybody's season, and neither of them says a word.

Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Cleveland Blank-Helmets adds three and this becomes a chess match.

This is the least glamorous football on the planet and it wins games. Barry Sanders into the interior for two, and another forty seconds disappear off the top. Barry Sanders waits, waits, and then goes. Patience on a draw is the difference between two yards and twenty, and he had all of it.

Justin Herbert points at the scoreboard. Mike Alstott points at the scoreboard. Randy Moss points at the scoreboard. That is a lot of pointing. And here is the answer to our game show The Ninety Minute Fiance! Idalene Crutchfield of Mud Lick Station, Kentucky, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long does an engagement last if it begins during a fourth quarter comeback?' The answer was of course exactly as long as the comeback does. Idalene therefore wins a commemorative plate honoring a couple who did not make it! Between quarters I attempted a wall sit behind the monitors. My producer now believes I am unwell. See you at the next one. And now, 'Say Yes to the Dress: Finding Pants That Still Fit.' Tears expected.

Matchday 4 — vs New Orleans Bag-Heads

15-14 (W)

THAT IS A WALL! Barry Sanders and the front seven meet them square at the point of attack, and there is no crease to be found! Loss of six and a change of possession. Rob Gronkowski with the strip-sack, and our offense takes over just past midfield. The defense sold out on the blitz. Rob Gronkowski counted the rushers pre-snap, and this is the exact call you make when they bring seven.

They keep feeding Mike Alstott between the tackles, and those linebackers are already a half step slower than they were in the first quarter. THAT IS GOOD, AND IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING ELSE! Mike Alstott from 29 and that ball never wobbles once.

Mike Alstott doesn't celebrate. He hands the ball to the nearest official, taps him on the shoulder pad, and jogs to the sideline like a man returning a library book. Jerry Rice is screaming in his face the entire way and getting nothing back. The silence of it somehow makes the crowd louder.

OH, THE BALL IS OUT! Samuel Finley Breese Morse takes the arm on the way down and the football is loose -- AND WE HAVE IT! Samuel Finley Breese Morse sells the mesh and lets it go flat, and the entire defensive front is running the wrong direction. Jerry Rice strikes it, both arms go straight up behind the goalposts, and this crowd gets the three points it came down here for.

Nobody else within fifteen yards. Barry Sanders with the open-field stop, and that is a five-yard gain instead of a house call. The visiting offense is playing inside a jet engine, and Barry Sanders is standing on the throttle.

That is a gorgeous kick-out block, and Barry Sanders does the rest -- foot in the ground, north and south, nine yards. The chains go the wrong way. Barry Sanders is flagged and the offense restarts ten yards deeper. Barry Sanders times the jump perfectly, high points the football, and holds on through the contact. That is a fifty-fifty ball that was never fifty-fifty.

Halftime whistle. Randy Moss slaps the offensive line on the back as they file past. Confession: Randy Moss is convinced the heaters on the New Orleans Bag-Heads sideline run warmer than ours. It is a whole thing. And now, our halftime TV game show To Tell the Truth About the Coin Toss! To win a ceremonial coin the approximate size of a manhole cover, text BLITZ to 555-0334 and answer this question: 'Which side of a coin is the honest side?' They are back out. The first-half script goes in the trash, here comes the new one.

Justin Herbert pulled the emergency brake with the front wheel already off the cliff. Expensive, sure, but the bus is still on the road. Look at that defensive line standing straight up out of their stance. That is exhaustion, and Justin Herbert is the man who put it there. Clean snap, laces away, and Justin Herbert does exactly what he has done all season from that range. The hold was perfect and he rewarded it.

Dunking the football over the crossbar has been illegal for a decade and Justin Herbert does it anyway, cleanly, two-handed, hanging for a beat. The flag comes out. The crowd does not care about the flag. Neither, from the look of him, does the head coach, who is very deliberately looking somewhere else.

The head coach grabs Rob Gronkowski by the shoulder pads and physically turns him toward the tunnel. That is what leadership looks like once everything has gone sideways. The chains kept moving and nothing we tried slowed it down. Fourteen plays, seven minutes off the clock, and New Orleans Bag-Heads finishes the drive with six.

You can see it in the pad level. Samuel Finley Breese Morse and the men beside him are coming off the ball lower than that front four, and this fight was decided in the second quarter. You can play flawless coverage in this league and lose the down anyway. Samuel Finley Breese Morse just proved it in front of everybody. That is a five-yard cushion on a 55-yarder. Samuel Finley Breese Morse did not just make it, he had another division of distance in the tank.

Samuel Finley Breese Morse mimes putting the entire New Orleans Bag-Heads secondary to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes closed, swaying gently. Their corner is in his face immediately. Samuel Finley Breese Morse does not open his eyes. Barry Sanders arrives at a full sprint and physically removes him from the situation.

That is a coverage disguise and a half. Mike Alstott shows two-high, spins down into the flat, and the opposing quarterback throws it right to him. Reception by Mike Alstott, eighteen yards after contact, brought down at the forty-four. Mike Alstott treats a 31-yarder the way you treat a light switch. Flip it, walk off, three points.

Press at the line, hip to hip down the numbers -- Rob Gronkowski takes the release away and the throw never leaves the quarterback's hand. Jerry Rice took the perfect angle there. He never chased the shoulders, he chased the sideline, and the sideline did the rest. Zero blitz. No safety help, no margin for error, and Jerry Rice comes clean off the slot to blow the entire thing up.

Third and 8, empty backfield, and Samuel Finley Breese Morse takes him down before the route concept ever develops. Punt team. Interference on Samuel Finley Breese Morse. Automatic first down, the drive stays alive, and this defense has to line up all over again. And the flag gets picked up. New Orleans Bag-Heads keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

Jet sweep to the right, Jerry Rice on the handoff, gain of nine to the thirty-two. GRIND IT OUT! Rob Gronkowski drops the pads, falls forward, and that defense can do nothing but watch the scoreboard bleed! Draw play, and the rush runs itself right past Rob Gronkowski. That call was in the game plan for exactly this front.

Rob Gronkowski holds up four fingers. Mike Alstott holds up seven. Nobody knows what he is counting. And here is the answer to our game To Tell the Truth About the Coin Toss! Cecil Wampler of Two Bit Crossing, Montana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Which side of a coin is the honest side?' The answer was of course the edge, which is exactly why it never gets to speak. Cecil takes home a ceremonial coin the approximate size of a manhole cover! I ordered a sandwich in the second quarter. It arrived after the final whistle. Somebody had a rough night in that kitchen. We're clearing out. Up next: 'My Strange Addiction: A Man Who Alphabetizes His Spices Every Night.'

Matchday 5 — vs Minnesota Silver-Horns

33-30 (W)

You do not usually hire a inventor for demolition, but that run play was condemned on contact four yards deep. That is the third field goal of the day for Minnesota Silver-Horns. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

Seventy thousand people just made noise about a five-yard run, and that tells you everything -- Barry Sanders is wearing that defensive front out. The tip of the football is kissing the far stake, and Barry Sanders is already up celebrating before the official even turns around. Their pass rush is out there swinging at a wall that Barry Sanders put up three seconds ago and has not moved an inch since.

Look at the get-off from Mike Alstott -- he is two yards upfield before the center's hand leaves the football. You cannot block that. Sack number, oh, does it even matter now? Mike Alstott gets there AGAIN, and their right tackle is still looking for his helmet. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Minnesota Silver-Horns adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Textbook rep. Samuel Finley Breese Morse sets, punches, resets the feet, and that edge rusher runs himself a yard past the launch point. One cut, no dancing. Samuel Finley Breese Morse does not waste a single step, and that is why a four-yard run turns into sixteen. Watch the plant foot -- Samuel Finley Breese Morse puts it right beside the ball, no lean, no hook. Inside 40 that is a rehearsed motion, not a kick.

Slow, deliberate, ceremonial: Samuel Finley Breese Morse places the football on the goal line, straightens it twice, then steps back and salutes it. The bench salutes with him. Fourteen men at attention over a football. The referee has to break the formation up personally.

Interception, Rob Gronkowski, at the 40. Our offense comes back out with a short field and a live crowd. Terrific decision by Rob Gronkowski, ball right into the frame of Jerry Rice, and one hard step later he is standing in front of his own bench. Give it to him twenty-two times and this is what you get. Jerry Rice punished that front all afternoon and cashed it in from six yards out. What a finish. Big touchdown, big celebration, and then the inventor quietly comes on to file the paperwork. Point is good.

The teams disappear inside. Rob Gronkowski taps the sign above the tunnel door on the way through. Confession: Rob Gronkowski is convinced the heaters on the Minnesota Silver-Horns sideline run warmer than ours. It is a whole thing. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Porta-Potty Round! To win an air freshener shaped like a pine tree, expired since the Clinton years, text BLITZ to 555-0225 and answer this question: 'What is the temperature inside a portable toilet in September?' Second half. The tunnel is empty, the field is full.

Back-shoulder, and Samuel Finley Breese Morse smells it coming. He plants, opens the hips, and knocks it away in the corner of the end zone. Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. Minnesota Silver-Horns is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

That is a jump ball won by wingspan and by sheer stubbornness, and Randy Moss has an unfair amount of both. Play action, quick game off it from Justin Herbert, and Randy Moss has a free release into the flat with nobody within five yards. Six on the board. The inventor has never once been thanked for the last step of anything. He puts it through and gets a pat on the helmet from the long snapper.

One step over the goal line and Randy Moss drops into the dance whole internet already knows, hands low, feet blurring. Six teammates arrive and join it in a ragged line. The offensive line is two full beats behind and does not care. Seventy thousand people are doing it in the seats and none of them are doing it well.

They have first and ten and no room to operate. Barry Sanders sheds the block at the line of scrimmage and wraps up the ball carrier before he can get out. Safety, two points, and we get the football back.

Second and long just got worse. Rob Gronkowski with the sack, seven yards back, and the chains are a memory. Rob Gronkowski was in a footrace he had already lost, so he tried to slow the traffic. The officials do not accept that excuse. Screen pass, one missed tackle at the thirty, and Minnesota Silver-Horns is gone. That is a fundamentals problem, and the fundamentals are ours to fix.

The opposing quarterback held it one beat too long, and Samuel Finley Breese Morse made him pay twice -- once for the loss, once for the football. There is no elegance in that play and there is not supposed to be. Eleven bodies pushing in one direction, and Samuel Finley Breese Morse carries the football to the right side of a white line. Barry Sanders taps the point after through and this one is academic. Seven on the board.

Samuel Finley Breese Morse finds the sideline camera, gets right into the lens, and slowly lifts his visor to show one eye. That is the whole celebration. One eye, five seconds, national television. The commentary booth cannot get through a sentence for the rest of the drive.

He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Mike Alstott recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. IT IS A HEADCOUNT! Somebody on this sideline needs a clicker, because the official counted twice before he threw it at Rob Gronkowski! Ohhh, that one hurts. Minnesota Silver-Horns runs the same counter they have run all afternoon, the backside end crashes again, and it is a touchdown.

Sack, strip, recovery. Samuel Finley Breese Morse does all three inside of two seconds, and this drive is dead on arrival. This crowd wanted the bomb. Samuel Finley Breese Morse handed them a first down instead, and the first down is the thing that actually wins games. Barry Sanders went into that pile the way you wade into cold surf, and he came out the other side dragging two defenders across the line with him. The inventor has never once been thanked for the last step of anything. He puts it through and gets a pat on the helmet from the long snapper.

BOTH BENCHES ARE EMPTY! Bodies pouring onto the field around midfield, and Justin Herbert is dead center in the pile. Back shoulder fade at the pylon, and Minnesota Silver-Horns comes down with it over a defender who had inside leverage and nothing behind him. Perfectly placed, and this one is on us.

Every carry from Mike Alstott is one more shovel of dirt in the same hole. Two yards at a time, the football game gets buried. Draw on second and twelve, Mike Alstott up the middle, first down at the forty-one. Clock keeps rolling.

Randy Moss goes for the Gatorade bath but the cooler is empty. Mike Alstott has to explain to the head coach what just happened. And here is the answer to our game Fear Factor Porta-Potty Round! Norbert Fussell of Sulphur Bend, Nevada, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the temperature inside a portable toilet in September?' The answer was of course exactly one degree warmer than a person can discuss politely. Norbert takes home an air freshener shaped like a pine tree, expired since the Clinton years! I dropped my pen under the desk at kickoff and found it at the two-minute warning. Long night for both of us. We are signing off for the night. And now, 'MasterChef Junior: A Nine-Year-Old Makes Cereal.' Flawless execution.

Matchday 6 — vs Denver Orange-Barrels

33-28 (W)

Four full seconds and not one hand near the quarterback facemask. Samuel Finley Breese Morse anchored against the bull rush and never surrendered an inch of ground. There is a faster way through and the inventor found it years ago. He has never once explained it to a coworker. Thirty-two yards is the inventor version of a task he could finish half asleep with one tool missing. Dead center.

The whole defensive unit has run the length of the field for this and arrives in two facing lines, arms raised into a tunnel. Samuel Finley Breese Morse has to walk all of it, shaking every single hand, like a man leaving his own wedding. It takes eleven seconds. The play clock is running and the officials are shouting and every one of those handshakes is worth it.

The defensive front showed up talking. Samuel Finley Breese Morse has spent two hours quietly walking them backwards, and the talking has stopped. Two-minute drill, no timeouts left, and that sideline grab by Samuel Finley Breese Morse keeps the clock stopped and this offense alive at the thirty-four. The drive dies at the 12, but Samuel Finley Breese Morse makes sure it was not a wasted trip down the field.

Whole receiving corps drops into a photo-booth strip: four different poses in four seconds, Samuel Finley Breese Morse switching each one, everybody matching. Somebody in the group is a half beat behind on all four and it is, as usual, a lineman who followed them in. The gag ends with all of them face down on the turf and the crowd absolutely gone.

PANCAKE! Samuel Finley Breese Morse puts his man flat on his back and Barry Sanders runs straight through the crater! GONE around the edge! Barry Sanders feeds Rob Gronkowski in stride and there is nothing but open sideline waiting! Rob Gronkowski gets every bit of that ball, and the trajectory tells you at the 30 that it is going to clear with room to spare.

Whole receiving corps drops into a photo-booth strip: four different poses in four seconds, Rob Gronkowski switching each one, everybody matching. Somebody in the group is a half beat behind on all four and it is, as usual, a lineman who followed them in. The gag ends with all of them face down on the turf and the crowd absolutely gone.

Second and 7, Justin Herbert catches the snap in the gun and fires the quick game out to Randy Moss for a gain of six. Chains keep crawling. Off tackle it is, the tight end seals the edge, and Randy Moss is into the second level untouched! Fourth and 6 at the 15, field goal unit on, Randy Moss converts from 33. Three points.

Randy Moss tucks the ball under his jersey, cradles the bump, and rocks it gently while walking the length of the end zone. Samuel Finley Breese Morse follows with a hand on his back like a very concerned husband. The Denver Orange-Barrels sideline is not amused. The referee already has the flag out of his belt.

NO SIR! Samuel Finley Breese Morse gets a hand in at the last possible instant and that football hits the turf! Run the tape back on the substitution: Samuel Finley Breese Morse steps in, the call changes, and nobody waves him back. That is the whole penalty in one clip. And the flag gets picked up. Denver Orange-Barrels keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

Second quarter gone. Jerry Rice glances at the stat sheet a staffer offers and hands it right back. Word is Jerry Rice has the marching band cadence set as a ringtone. On purpose. And now, our halftime TV game show The Mildly Risky Catch! To win a tackle box containing tackle and also a sandwich, text BLITZ to 555-2497 and answer this question: 'Which is harder, catching a pass in traffic or catching a toddler in a parking lot?' The players are back. So is the noise.

He played the eyes the entire way. Barry Sanders never looked at the receiver -- he broke on the shoulder turn and the football came to him. This is where Barry Sanders earns the contract -- catch it flat-footed in the flat, then turn into a running back for the next twenty yards. No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Barry Sanders. Down the middle from 36.

Barry Sanders sets the ball down on the pylon, backs up ten yards, and lines it up like a putt. He reads the break. He actually reads the break. Rob Gronkowski tends the imaginary flag while the referee walks over with a flag of a very different kind.

This place is SHAKING! Mike Alstott has been living in that backfield all night and every soul in here knows it! Mike Alstott lost the deep third, panicked at the catch point and got his hand in early. That is a spot foul every single week. Screen pass, one missed tackle at the thirty, and Denver Orange-Barrels is gone. That is a fundamentals problem, and the fundamentals are ours to fix.

That is CRUEL football! They sold pass, the linebackers bailed to their landmarks, and Mike Alstott was fifteen yards downfield before anybody turned around! Mike Alstott kick-slides, absorbs the speed rush, and the quarterback never feels a thing behind his back. Mike Alstott treats a 31-yarder the way you treat a light switch. Flip it, walk off, three points.

Watching a 320-pound man run sideways at full speed and arrive exactly on time is one of the great sights in this sport, and Samuel Finley Breese Morse has done it twice on this drive. Second and 6, Mike Alstott pancakes the three-technique, and the run goes for eleven before anybody touches the ball carrier. Barry Sanders gets it batted down at the line of scrimmage. Incomplete, third and 6. Rob Gronkowski gets every inch of that ball. Sixty-two yards, 5.1 seconds of hang, and the coverage unit is down there waiting like a welcoming committee.

Jerry Rice was one body too many, and the umpire had him tagged before the football ever moved. Field position, then penalties, then the score. Denver Orange-Barrels has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

Somebody is going to sit through that clip in a defensive backs meeting on Wednesday, and Mike Alstott will not be the one squirming. This was a numbers game and the offense won it before the snap: an extra hat at the point of attack and Mike Alstott untouched from eleven yards out. Off the iron! Randy Moss rings the upright, the football caroms back toward the hash, and the whistle kills it right there. No good.

Three-step drop, hitch route, and Mike Alstott was sitting on it the whole quarter. He has been baiting that throw since the opening series. One hand, and the wrong hand at that. Mike Alstott takes that football with the off hand, twelve feet in the air, with his momentum carrying him away from the throw. THAT IS GOOD, AND IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING ELSE! Mike Alstott from 29 and that ball never wobbles once.

Nothing downfield, so Justin Herbert takes the safe money and drops it to the back in the flat. Six yards is not a headline, but it is a manageable third down. Man coverage cannot survive traffic. Mike Alstott knows the rub is coming underneath and throws it into the pile with total confidence. Quick out, Jerry Rice catches it at his own forty-five, breaks the arm tackle and outruns the angle. Fifty-five yard touchdown on a throw that traveled four. The inventor has made that same small motion ten thousand times. Number ten thousand and one sails right of the upright.

Helmet off, Jerry Rice looks up into a stadium doing something he will remember when he is eighty, and he just turns a full slow circle taking it in. No pose, no gesture, nothing for the cameras. Rob Gronkowski stands beside him with a hand on his shoulder pad and lets him have it. The loudest sixty seconds of anybody's season, and neither of them says a word.

Penetration on the strong side by Barry Sanders, the pulling guard grabs nothing but air, and the whole run concept dies on the hash marks. Count them up, there are TWELVE out there! Barry Sanders never got the signal to come off, and that is five yards! Second time in three drives. Denver Orange-Barrels punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

Motion, snap, handoff -- Rob Gronkowski is basically a turnstile on this play, and it only works because the defense has to honor everything else he does. The other sideline is pleading with the officials to hurry it along, and Jerry Rice is in absolutely no rush whatsoever. Every pursuit angle out there was built for a run to the field, and Jerry Rice made all of them worthless with one step.

Jerry Rice and Samuel Finley Breese Morse chest bump with the pads still on. It sounds like a two-car accident. And here is the answer to our game show The Mildly Risky Catch! Lonzo Wiggins Pyle of Salt Kettle Cove, Maryland, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is harder, catching a pass in traffic or catching a toddler in a parking lot?' The answer was of course the toddler, and it is not remotely close. Lonzo therefore wins a tackle box containing tackle and also a sandwich! During the halftime show I tried to name every instrument in the marching band. I got to nine and quit. Thanks, everybody. Up next: 'Curb Appeal: Painting the Mailbox and Calling It a Renovation.'

Matchday 7 — vs Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard

14-15 (L)

That is a violent arrival. Mike Alstott gets there at the same instant as the football and the receiver hears every bit of it -- they will not be throwing many more his way tonight. Four-man rush, nobody blitzed. Randy Moss wins a one-on-one in under two and a half seconds, and that is how you wreck a game plan. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard adds three and this becomes a chess match.

No statistic exists for what the inventor just did. He simply made sure nothing bad happened to anybody standing behind him, all afternoon long. Samuel Finley Breese Morse gets the football out in 1.6 seconds. Their pass rush might as well have stayed in the tunnel for that one. THROWN RIGHT TO HIM! Rob Gronkowski never saw the corner squatting on that route and this is an absolute disaster.

Loss of four. Mike Alstott makes the stop, the chains do not move, and their sideline is already talking about field goal range. Mike Alstott folded that pocket like a lawn chair, and the opposing quarterback never saw the ceiling coming down. Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

Their front four ran themselves eight yards past the football, and by the time the safety got downhill, Barry Sanders had already turned this into a chunk play. Fourth and one, quarterback sneak, Barry Sanders for two. First down. He STUCK it in there! Not one inch of daylight anywhere on that line and Barry Sanders finds a way through it anyway! Rob Gronkowski converts. Seven points on the drive.

Both linemen arrive first, which never happens, and they get to the end zone before the man who scored. Barry Sanders has to wait for three hundred pounds of guard to finish a shoulder shimmy that would embarrass a wedding reception. The crowd loses it. The center attempts a split and is helped up by two teammates and a trainer.

First and ten, sweep to the field side, Barry Sanders picks up twelve before stepping out. Yards and clock, both in their favor. Big boy football right there. Barry Sanders takes the snap, gets his pad level under theirs, and the drive keeps breathing. This is exactly why you fight for the extra half yard. Barry Sanders keeps his legs churning for one more turn and that is the whole difference. The whole sideline came up off that bench when Barry Sanders went airborne, and the officials had to point every one of them back behind the white line!

The team files in. Barry Sanders is still carrying the ball from that last completion. Fun fact: Barry Sanders's cousin plays sousaphone in that band. Either way, he is going to hear about it tonight. And now, our halftime TV game show Sunrise Stretch With Coach Lorene! To win a resistance band with no resistance left in it, text BLITZ to 555-2542 and answer this question: 'What is the correct warm up for a man who intends to sit down for three hours?' Second half! The stadium is on its feet and the coverage unit is bouncing.

The pulling guard never found him. Rob Gronkowski shot the crease, met the ball carrier in the hole, and drove him back into his own backfield. Splits the uprights. Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

Their edge rusher had him dead to rights with a full head of steam, and Justin Herbert got the football gone a tenth of a second before the hit landed. Off the foot of Justin Herbert and that ball is DYING at the two! Pinned. Absolutely pinned in the shadow of their own goal post. Nothing swings a football game like a punt bouncing off a facemask. Mike Alstott pounces, and this sideline has completely lost its mind. Handoff to Mike Alstott, straight ahead, gain of five. Second and five, clock running.

Here it comes, and it GETS THERE! Rob Gronkowski times the snap count perfectly and the play is dead before it starts! Their quarterback is the last man with a chance at him and he takes the worst angle in the building. Mike Alstott does not even have to make him miss. Through the uprights! Barry Sanders adds the point after and the lead grows by one.

Mike Alstott mimes a cigar length of a forearm and Barry Sanders arrives to cup both hands around an invisible match. The lighting takes a while -- there is wind in the end zone, apparently. Mike Alstott takes one enormous pull, tips his head back, and blows a plume of nothing straight up at the lights. The Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard bench watches all of it and does not enjoy a second of it.

It is up, and it is through. Three more for Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

Watch the corner hips -- he is in phase, he is doing everything the coaching staff asked, and Justin Herbert beats him anyway because the ball goes where coverage cannot live. Outside the tackle box and past the line of scrimmage -- Rob Gronkowski satisfies both halves of the rule by a comfortable margin and there is not a flag anywhere on this field. No outkicked coverage here: Samuel Finley Breese Morse gets it away in 1.9 seconds and the gunners arrive before the football does.

Second and 14. Mike Alstott with the tackle for loss, and that play call goes straight in the garbage. That is the third field goal of the day for Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

Ball on the 20, clock under two, and Justin Herbert jogs out there like this whole afternoon was scripted for him. Eighty yards. One drive. Here we go. Two-minute warning. Justin Herbert pulls the helmet off and walks straight to the sideline for the most valuable timeout nobody has to call. This is the discipline that keeps drives breathing. Justin Herbert got all the way to his fourth read and never once looked rushed.

Mike Alstott stares at the video board like the number might correct itself. Samuel Finley Breese Morse already knows it will not. And here is the answer to our game show Sunrise Stretch With Coach Lorene! Iva Nell Ferrand of Pumpkin Center, Illinois, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the correct warm up for a man who intends to sit down for three hours?' The answer was of course none at all, and even that is ambitious. Iva Nell therefore wins a resistance band with no resistance left in it! Your commentator spent the entire fourth quarter on a dead headset battery. You heard the good half. That's all from us. And now, 'Antiques Roadshow: A Charger That Fits Nothing.' Estimated value: zero.

Matchday 8 — vs New England Tuck-Rulers

23-35 (L)

Twelve men on the field. Justin Herbert jogs off shaking his head, and the penalty is exactly what it looked like. Play action freezes our linebackers, the tight end slips out behind them, and New England Tuck-Rulers scores with nobody in the picture. That is a bust, plain and simple.

This is a coordinator punishing an aggressive front. Barry Sanders counts to one, lets the rushers clear, and the A-gap opens like a curtain. They went to the inside counter that time. Barry Sanders was already sitting on it. Whatever the plan was, it is in the trash now. No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Barry Sanders. Down the middle from 36.

Officials, coaches, equipment staff, everybody is out there trying to pry this apart, and Mike Alstott is being dragged backwards by the jersey. And the flag gets picked up. New England Tuck-Rulers keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

The throw was a rounding error. Everything after it belonged to Jerry Rice, who turned a checkdown into a highlight tape. Mike Alstott stands with his hands on his hips at the 30, waiting on a man in a striped shirt and a television screen to decide his afternoon. Ruling reversed. No touchdown. Mike Alstott marked down at the half-yard line.

Start with the double team on the nose tackle -- that is why Mike Alstott gets a clean crease. Inside zone, run exactly the way it is drawn. Measurement on the field. It is a first down. Mike Alstott with the carry, and the drive continues. Justin Herbert gives him a chance and that is the whole requirement. Two men go up, Mike Alstott comes down with it.

Off the grass. Mike Alstott bangs the mud out of both cleats against the tunnel wall. Halftime show time: a pop act on a rolling stage that four crews shoved out to the fifty by hand. Nothing rises out of this field. Everything arrives on wheels. And now, our halftime TV game show American Porch Pickers! To win a porch swing, three lawn flamingos, and whatever is behind the shed, text BLITZ to 555-2394 and answer this question: 'How many footballs are on roofs in the United States at this exact moment?' Third quarter. Fresh downs, fresh script, same scoreboard.

BLOWN UP IN THE BACKFIELD! Barry Sanders shoots the A-gap and drops him four yards behind the line of scrimmage! Five yards marched off. Barry Sanders was the twelfth man, and a third and 6 just turned into third and 1 for them. The chains kept moving and nothing we tried slowed it down. Fourteen plays, seven minutes off the clock, and New England Tuck-Rulers finishes the drive with six.

Corner route out of the slot, one on one, no help inside. Randy Moss wins at the top of the stem and the throw beats the safety. Touchdown. GOT HIM! Their linebacker meets Rob Gronkowski in the hole and the two-point try dies right there on the stripe. The head coach has both hands on top of his hat. Fifteen yards on Justin Herbert, and this whole sideline knows exactly what that costs.

Ball tucked, Randy Moss drops into a three-point stance facing the New England Tuck-Rulers bench and holds it. Just holds it. Their entire sideline is on the white line yelling. Barry Sanders hauls him up by the belt and steers him away before the yellow comes out, and the crowd boos the peacemaking.

Sideline warning, no yardage. Randy Moss steers his head coach behind the white line before this turns into fifteen.

New England Tuck-Rulers goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

The other coordinator is out of coverages and out of time, and Justin Herbert knows it. The unglamorous guy finally gets his! Justin Herbert blocked on eleven straight snaps and then walked into the end zone on the twelfth. He EARNED that football. This is where seasons get decided -- one snap, no safety net, and Justin Herbert with the ball across the plane. Two.

Both linemen arrive first, which never happens, and they get to the end zone before the man who scored. Justin Herbert has to wait for three hundred pounds of guard to finish a shoulder shimmy that would embarrass a wedding reception. The crowd loses it. The center attempts a split and is helped up by two teammates and a trainer.

HE GOT A PIECE OF IT! Mike Alstott arrives with the football, and their receiver is still asking for a flag that is never coming! Count them up, there are TWELVE out there! Rob Gronkowski never got the signal to come off, and that is five yards! Screen pass, one missed tackle at the thirty, and New England Tuck-Rulers is gone. That is a fundamentals problem, and the fundamentals are ours to fix.

This is a street fight in a phone booth, and Barry Sanders is winning it a yard at a time. OVER THE TOP! Barry Sanders goes airborne from the one and comes down with the nose of the football across the plane -- touchdown! Mike Alstott reaches, the ball is short of the plane, and the officials wave it off. Still a six-point drive.

Rob Gronkowski whispers that they had it. Mike Alstott whispers back that they did. Neither one feels better. And here is the answer to our game show American Porch Pickers! Ottis Beaumont Sparks of Crooked Chimney, Indiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many footballs are on roofs in the United States at this exact moment?' The answer was of course two point one million, and not one of them is coming down. Ottis therefore wins a porch swing, three lawn flamingos, and whatever is behind the shed! I have been chewing the same piece of gum since the opening kickoff. It has no flavor and no future. We're calling it. Up next: 'Swamp People: The Puddle at the End of My Driveway.'

Matchday 9 — vs Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing

22-25 (L)

Second and 9. Barry Sanders stuffs it for a yard. Their ground game has averaged next to nothing since halftime. Right down the middle from thirty-four. Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

Heavy set, extra lineman, Barry Sanders behind the fullback for two. Ball spotted on the one-yard line. The chain crew jogs out, the referee pulls it tight, and an entire stadium leans in with them. The arm goes forward -- Barry Sanders moved the sticks. The rusher brought a spin, a rip and a plan. Barry Sanders brought better feet, and that is the entire story of this drive.

The inventor showed up in the backfield before the running back did. In his line of work they call that beating the traffic. Splits the uprights. Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

Nobody is catching him! Justin Herbert authored five yards of that play and Randy Moss wrote the other forty himself. The sideline is coming apart. That is the one kick you are not allowed to miss, and Barry Sanders missed it. Six instead of seven, and that math is going to matter later. It is the second quarter and Rob Gronkowski is celebrating like the confetti has already been ordered. That yellow flag lands at his feet like an invitation nobody wanted.

Randy Moss spins the ball on the turf, drops to a crouch, and stares at it like it owes him an explanation. It spins for a genuinely absurd amount of time. The crowd counts along. When it finally falls over, seventy thousand people yell at once and Randy Moss walks off without looking back.

Fourth and 4, they go to their number one, and Mike Alstott says absolutely not. Ball on the ground, ball back to us. A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing stretches the lead.

Off the field. Rob Gronkowski shakes hands with a side judge on the way up the tunnel. The singer held that note for eleven seconds and this stadium held its breath for nine of them. And now, our halftime TV game show Storage Wars Equipment Shed! To win a padlocked equipment shed and absolutely no key to it, text BLITZ to 555-0084 and answer this question: 'What is inside the equipment shed that nobody has opened since 1979?' The sidelines are stacked and standing. Kickoff.

That is veteran nerve from Justin Herbert. He waited to the last possible tick to see if the defense would tip its hand, and when it did not, he ate the timeout. Off tackle to the right, Justin Herbert for eight. First down at the forty-one. From 51, on the road, into the open end of this stadium. Justin Herbert makes it. Three points.

Third and 8, empty backfield, and Barry Sanders takes him down before the route concept ever develops. Punt team. THEY CANNOT FIND HIM! Barry Sanders is in his back pocket and their quarterback has come off him to the checkdown four straight snaps! We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

First and goal from the three, Mike Alstott into the teeth of it, and he gets a yard and a half. Second and goal. Second and goal from the two and they just punch it. Mike Alstott behind the right guard, forward lean, football across the line. They needed 72 inches. Rob Gronkowski got about 36 of them. Nothing on the board.

Back-shoulder, and Barry Sanders smells it coming. He plants, opens the hips, and knocks it away in the corner of the end zone. The hands tell the whole story -- Justin Herbert chops, rips underneath the outside shoulder, and the pocket collapses from the top down. That is the third field goal of the day for Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

The interior of that defensive line is getting worn down, and Mike Alstott is the reason. Every carry has moved the pile the same direction. Third and one and they keep it on the ground. Mike Alstott slides off the double team and stretches the football over the goal line. The 33-yard extra point stopped being free a long time ago, but Barry Sanders still treats it like it is. Right down the pipe.

Ugly scene. Jerry Rice is out of the game, the network has stopped showing replays, and the head coach is walking his own players back one at a time. Back shoulder fade at the pylon, and Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing comes down with it over a defender who had inside leverage and nothing behind him. Perfectly placed, and this one is on us.

Look at the get-off from Mike Alstott -- he is two yards upfield before the center's hand leaves the football. You cannot block that. Second and long just got worse. Mike Alstott with the sack, seven yards back, and the chains are a memory. Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

Justin Herbert has lived here before. Get to the line, read the safeties, spike or snap -- the operation looks rehearsed because it is. Clock stopped at 2:00. Justin Herbert now has the exact math in front of him: yards needed, plays available, timeouts left. The rest is arithmetic and nerve. Some quarterbacks force it into a crowd. Justin Herbert just picks up the coupon the defense left on the table.

Barry Sanders hugs the coach and holds on one beat too long. Randy Moss shakes hands and lets go one beat too fast. And here is the answer to our game Storage Wars Equipment Shed! Rowena Tschudy of Crab Cake Bottom, Maryland, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is inside the equipment shed that nobody has opened since 1979?' The answer was of course tackling dummies, and they have organized. Rowena takes home a padlocked equipment shed and absolutely no key to it! Confession: I texted a friend score prediction before kickoff. I missed it by nineteen points. The message has been deleted. We appreciate you. And now, a brand new episode of 'Pawn Stars: A Commemorative Plate From 1998.'

Matchday 10 — vs Seattle Seismographs

29-33 (L)

He is UNBLOCKABLE right now! Barry Sanders is in the backfield again and their offensive coordinator just slammed the call sheet down! Second and long just got worse. Barry Sanders with the sack, seven yards back, and the chains are a memory. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Seattle Seismographs, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

Completion to the boundary from Justin Herbert to Rob Gronkowski, gain of thirteen, both feet down inside the white and the rest of him already out. Rob Gronkowski jukes at the twenty-five, picks up eleven more, brought down at the fourteen. GET THE TAPE MEASURE OUT! Rob Gronkowski from 56 and there was never a question after the first bounce of the crowd noise.

Loss of four. Samuel Finley Breese Morse makes the stop, the chains do not move, and their sideline is already talking about field goal range. Splits the uprights. Seattle Seismographs settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

The inventor shut that gap the way he shuts up shop at the end of a shift: everything locked, nobody getting in. He never stops working -- Randy Moss has his arm around the pocket before his shoulder pad even lands. That is a hunter's instinct. Single high safety cheating down into the run fit. One receiver, one corner, nobody behind them: Randy Moss wins by two steps and the rest is a track meet. The coach keeps the offense out there and it pays -- Justin Herbert takes the shotgun snap and hits Barry Sanders on a slant into the end zone. TWO POINTS!

A conga line forms out of nowhere: Randy Moss at the front, Mike Alstott on his hips, and by the end of the end zone there are nine men in it including a trainer who should absolutely know better. It snakes past the goalpost and back. The head coach is on the sideline with both hands over his face, laughing.

He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Barry Sanders recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. Sack number, oh, does it even matter now? Jerry Rice gets there AGAIN, and their right tackle is still looking for his helmet. That is the third field goal of the day for Seattle Seismographs. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

The team files in. Barry Sanders is still carrying the ball from that last completion. Halftime entertainment: a dog catching frisbees. Statistically the highest rated segment of the season. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Air Horn Division! To win an air horn with exactly one honk left in it, text BLITZ to 555-0347 and answer this question: 'How many air horns is a legal number of air horns?' They are back out. The first-half script goes in the trash, here comes the new one.

Pre-snap ownership. Justin Herbert counted six in the box, slid the line to the left, and turned a bad call into a good one before a single man moved. The whole offensive line is pointing at him! Big men live for that, and Justin Herbert just gave the entire unit something to howl about! Fourth and 6 at the 15, field goal unit on, Barry Sanders converts from 33. Three points.

Ball tucked, Barry Sanders drops into a three-point stance facing the Seattle Seismographs bench and holds it. Just holds it. Their entire sideline is on the white line yelling. Mike Alstott hauls him up by the belt and steers him away before the yellow comes out, and the crowd boos the peacemaking.

A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Seattle Seismographs stretches the lead.

Facemask on the defense. Fifteen yards tacked onto the end of the run by Barry Sanders. Boot away from the fake, Barry Sanders squares his shoulders on the move, and Rob Gronkowski is uncovered in the seam. That is a coordinator earning his paycheck. You cannot ask a nickel corner to carry a tight end up the seam. Rob Gronkowski stacks him inside the five and the ball arrives over the shoulder the defender cannot find. Ninety-something percent of these go through in this league. Rob Gronkowski just found the other bucket, and the one-point margin is now live.

Yellow laundry deep in the secondary, and it is on Rob Gronkowski. Pass interference, and the ball travels all the way down to the twenty. Ohhh, that one hurts. Seattle Seismographs runs the same counter they have run all afternoon, the backside end crashes again, and it is a touchdown.

Two hours of heavy physical labor, no applause, no lunch break -- the inventor is having the most familiar afternoon of his entire life. Five-man pressure with a late twist inside, and nobody passes off the delayed linebacker. That one is not on Samuel Finley Breese Morse -- that is a protection call gone wrong. That is not a punt, that is a dart. Rob Gronkowski drops it on the sideline like somebody left him a chalk mark out there.

Five yards for one extra body. The inventor is used to being the man they call when they need one more pair of hands, and tonight that was the whole problem. And the flag gets picked up. Seattle Seismographs keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

One tick left on the play clock. Justin Herbert calls it, the officials grant it, and the offense finally gets to breathe. Third and 8 with 1:12 showing, Justin Herbert hits the out route and the receiver steps out at the 41. Clock stopped, timeouts intact. THAT IS GOOD, AND IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING ELSE! Randy Moss from 29 and that ball never wobbles once.

Ball tucked, Randy Moss drops into a three-point stance facing the Seattle Seismographs bench and holds it. Just holds it. Their entire sideline is on the white line yelling. Mike Alstott hauls him up by the belt and steers him away before the yellow comes out, and the crowd boos the peacemaking.

This started with a shove after the whistle and escalated in about two seconds. Samuel Finley Breese Morse is in the middle of it and the crew will be sorting out numbers for five minutes. Seattle Seismographs goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

HELMET ON, CHIN STRAP BUCKLED! Justin Herbert is taking this offense the length of the field and every single person in here knows it! Justin Herbert runs that exchange like clockwork and the perimeter belongs to them. Little plays like this stretch a defense sideways all afternoon. The ball pops out of that pile like a cork out of water, and Randy Moss is underneath with his hands already up. Miracles need witnesses, and there are 70,000 of them on their feet.

Rob Gronkowski peels the tape off his wrists in silence. Jerry Rice leaves his on. Cannot be bothered. And here is the answer to our game The Gong Show Air Horn Division! Josephine Vanderslice of Turnpike Exit Nine, New Jersey, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many air horns is a legal number of air horns?' The answer was of course one per section, though enforcement has always been theoretical. Josephine takes home an air horn with exactly one honk left in it! Between quarters I attempted a wall sit behind the monitors. My producer now believes I am unwell. Good night, and drive safe. Coming up: 'Gold Rush: Looking for the Second Sock.' No gold is found.

Matchday 11 — vs Pittsburgh Dish-Towels

20-23 (L)

Jerry Rice stands over him and says something the replay cameras are going to read very clearly. Flag. Taunting, fifteen. You can see him committed and out of control before the whistle, but the rule book does not care about momentum after the play is over. Barry Sanders has to peel off there. The referee is getting a workout. Three trips to the microphone in five plays, and Barry Sanders is the name attached to this one.

Right down the middle from thirty-four. Pittsburgh Dish-Towels caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

Everybody drops, everybody sprints upfield, and Barry Sanders walks into a hallway that had four defenders standing in it a second ago. The blind side is CLOSED! Barry Sanders slams the door and the throw gets out clean! The drive dies at the 12, but Barry Sanders makes sure it was not a wasted trip down the field.

Barry Sanders points one finger at the sky and holds it, helmet off, eyes shut, standing dead still while the stadium comes apart around him. Nobody touches him for four full seconds. Then Rob Gronkowski wraps him up from behind and lifts him clean off the ground, and the noise doubles.

The throw from Justin Herbert and the catch that answers it are the same conversation, held at eighteen yards, in a language nobody else on this field speaks. Pressure off the edge, Randy Moss gets outside the numbers and fires it into the third row. He lives to see third down. The ball leaves the foot of Mike Alstott and disappears into the lights for what feels like a full commercial break.

NO SIR! Barry Sanders gets a hand in at the last possible instant and that football hits the turf! Sack number, oh, does it even matter now? Barry Sanders gets there AGAIN, and their right tackle is still looking for his helmet. That is the third field goal of the day for Pittsburgh Dish-Towels. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

Halftime. Jerry Rice takes a knee by the door while a trainer refills the bottle. The band just spelled out the sponsor name in perfect kerning. Somebody drilled that for a month. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Air Horn Division! To win an air horn with exactly one honk left in it, text BLITZ to 555-0347 and answer this question: 'How many air horns is a legal number of air horns?' The kicker sets up alone on his 35 while the coverage unit waits down on the far 40. The stadium counts him down.

Second and 3 from the 40, Samuel Finley Breese Morse pulls, the hole opens between the tackles, and the offense picks up the first down before anybody on defense lays a finger on the ball carrier. Everybody in the building tracks the flight, nobody breathes, and then Mike Alstott hears the roar behind him. Good from 52.

Mike Alstott reaches the sideline, lifts the lid off the orange barrel, and empties the whole thing over the offensive coordinator with most of the game still left to play. Ice goes everywhere. The coordinator does not move, does not blink, and keeps signaling in the extra point personnel as though nothing has occurred. Jerry Rice hands him back his soaked call sheet and he takes it without looking up.

Gain of nothing. Barry Sanders with the stop, and they are staring at third and long all over again. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Pittsburgh Dish-Towels, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

Protecting somebody who cannot see the danger coming is basically the job description of a inventor, and he has not missed a single one all afternoon. Samuel Finley Breese Morse came out of his stance like the starter's pistol went off. Wrong sport, wrong second. This is why teams pay linemen real money. Samuel Finley Breese Morse drives his man five yards off the ball and Barry Sanders gets a lane you could park a bus in.

Justin Herbert goes deep for Jerry Rice, the flag comes out, and the chunk play arrives without a completion. No creativity required. Jerry Rice takes it, finds the crease between guard and center, and falls forward. That is how you shorten a goal line. The pile stops moving and Jerry Rice keeps churning his legs for another half yard anyway. That right there is the difference between three points and six. The 33-yard extra point stopped being free a long time ago, but Barry Sanders still treats it like it is. Right down the pipe.

HE GOT A PIECE OF IT! Samuel Finley Breese Morse arrives with the football, and their receiver is still asking for a flag that is never coming! Count them up, there are TWELVE out there! Jerry Rice never got the signal to come off, and that is five yards! And the flag gets picked up. Pittsburgh Dish-Towels keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

Coverage locked up, rush closing in, and Justin Herbert finds the outlet a heartbeat before contact -- and look at Mike Alstott go for eleven! Fourth quarter, 6.1 yards a carry, and Mike Alstott has won the leverage battle on rep after rep after rep. Nine route from the boundary against off coverage. Mike Alstott eats the cushion, stacks the corner, and the football drops over his outside shoulder. Fifty-three yards, touchdown. Hold is upright, the spot never moves an inch, and Jerry Rice hits it flush. Nothing about that operation was rushed.

Pure technique breakdown: Rob Gronkowski never got his head around, and in this league that is a guaranteed thirty-yard donation. Play action freezes our linebackers, the tight end slips out behind them, and Pittsburgh Dish-Towels scores with nobody in the picture. That is a bust, plain and simple.

Mike Alstott rips the ankle tape off fast, the way you rip off a bandage. Jerry Rice does it slowly. Both ways hurt. And here is the answer to our game The Gong Show Air Horn Division! Josephine Vanderslice of Turnpike Exit Nine, New Jersey, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many air horns is a legal number of air horns?' The answer was of course one per section, though enforcement has always been theoretical. Josephine takes home an air horn with exactly one honk left in it! I got a message from my mother that said your voice sounds tired. She is right and I hate that. Thanks for tuning in. Stay with us for 'Extreme Home Makeover: Reorganizing the Silverware Tray.'

Matchday 12 — vs Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof

10-20 (L)

PATIENCE from Justin Herbert, one beat longer, then the release, and Barry Sanders is running behind a wall of humanity all the way out to the 50! Games get won right here, in the two feet of grass on either side of the football. And tonight Barry Sanders is the reason this offense can do whatever it feels like. Intercepted. Barry Sanders now has two picks on the afternoon.

Incomplete. Barry Sanders breaks it up on third down, and the punt unit starts to jog on. Justin Herbert folded that pocket like a lawn chair, and the opposing quarterback never saw the ceiling coming down. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

Samuel Finley Breese Morse pulled, found the only defender who actually mattered, and put him on skates. Barry Sanders handled the easy part after that. OH, HE HAD HIM! Their corner slips at the top of the stem, Barry Sanders has that entire boundary to himself, and the football goes over the receiver by a full arm's length! Prime time, road crowd, and Mike Alstott just backed them all the way up to their own goal line. Our sideline is standing on the bench.

Loss of four. Barry Sanders makes the stop, the chains do not move, and their sideline is already talking about field goal range. Four-man rush, nobody blitzed. Barry Sanders wins a one-on-one in under two and a half seconds, and that is how you wreck a game plan. We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

Play clock at three, Justin Herbert gets the audible out, and the snap comes with one tick to spare. The whole front seven took that bait like it was free food in the break room, and Justin Herbert charged them for it. That ball dropped in like a key sliding into a lock, and Rob Gronkowski was standing in the end zone before this crowd got its hands up. Jerry Rice converts. Seven points on the drive.

The break. The strength coach checks on Justin Herbert first thing through the door. Anecdote: Justin Herbert tried out for the drumline in college. Lasted one practice and broke two sticks. And now, our halftime TV game show Shop Til You Sit Down! To win a motorized shopping cart and a mall that no longer exists, text BLITZ to 555-2604 and answer this question: 'How many laps of a stadium concourse equal one mile?' Here we go. The kickoff team spreads out across the width of the field.

It is all in the shoulders. Randy Moss sells the outside with his upper body and goes inside with his feet, and the defender bought every bit of it. Fourth and 2 from the 41, they leave the offense out there, and Randy Moss is stopped a yard short. Turnover on downs.

Justin Herbert is handing out five-yard gains like business cards, and the defense keeps accepting them. Everything about this run is decided before contact. The fullback kicks out the force defender and Jerry Rice only has to stay patient for one beat. Watch the plant foot -- Jerry Rice puts it right beside the ball, no lean, no hook. Inside 40 that is a rehearsed motion, not a kick.

Ohhh, that one hurts. Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof runs the same counter they have run all afternoon, the backside end crashes again, and it is a touchdown.

Third and long, draw to Mike Alstott, gain of fourteen. They will take that every single time. Mike Alstott carries it away from his frame through contact and the second tackler goes straight for the football. Punch, rip, gone -- they rep that every single week.

IT IS A HEADCOUNT! Somebody on this sideline needs a clicker, because the official counted twice before he threw it at Samuel Finley Breese Morse! This is the value of travel coverage: Justin Herbert follows him everywhere, so the game plan they built all week is now scrap paper.

Fourth and 4, they go to their number one, and Mike Alstott says absolutely not. Ball on the ground, ball back to us. Twelve men on the field. Mike Alstott jogs off shaking his head, and the penalty is exactly what it looked like. Six for Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof. Nobody carried the crosser, and that was a walk-in from twelve yards out.

Second one of the half. Justin Herbert is throwing from the short hash and that front has the passing lanes memorized now. Fourth and 9. Samuel Finley Breese Morse pins it at the two. That offense now has 98 yards of real estate in front of it. Punt muffed at the 30, recovered by Barry Sanders. First and 10, and our offense did not have to earn a single yard of it. Barry Sanders passes off the stunt cleanly, the pocket holds its shape, and the football goes out on time.

Justin Herbert peels the tape off his wrists in silence. Randy Moss leaves his on. Cannot be bothered. And here is the answer to our game show Shop Til You Sit Down! Wilhelmina Krebbs of Sleepy Cat Bend, Utah, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many laps of a stadium concourse equal one mile?' The answer was of course two and a half, or one if you keep stopping for pretzels. Wilhelmina therefore wins a motorized shopping cart and a mall that no longer exists! I stepped outside for air at halftime and locked myself out. A ball boy let me back in. I owe that kid. That's our night. Coming up: 'Alone: Nobody Told Me the Office Closed Early.' Season finale.

Matchday 13 — vs Green Bay Shareholders

18-26 (L)

He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Mike Alstott recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. Sack number, oh, does it even matter now? Rob Gronkowski gets there AGAIN, and their right tackle is still looking for his helmet. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Green Bay Shareholders, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

The signal came down from the box far too late. Justin Herbert could not match the personnel to the look, and there is no shame at all in saving the yardage. Look at the break -- Randy Moss drops his weight at fifteen and comes out of it dead flat, and Justin Herbert already has the football in the air before his man turns his head. No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Randy Moss. Down the middle from 36.

Beautiful key read. Samuel Finley Breese Morse sees the guard pull, runs the mesh point down, and meets the back before the handoff is even clean. The inventor clocked in, walked straight through the left tackle, and clocked the opposing quarterback out. Ten yards of paid overtime. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Green Bay Shareholders adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Fourth quarter, prime time, and Rob Gronkowski rips the game right out of their hands. Their quarterback is still on the turf pointing at his own line! The exchange from Rob Gronkowski to Randy Moss happens at full speed with nobody breaking stride. That is timing you cannot install in a walkthrough. The drive dies at the 12, but Randy Moss makes sure it was not a wasted trip down the field.

Incomplete. Mike Alstott breaks it up on third down, and the punt unit starts to jog on. We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Green Bay Shareholders, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

Halftime. Randy Moss runs a towel over his face and it comes away a completely different color. Anecdote: Randy Moss was a ball boy in a stadium like this at eleven years old. Same tunnel, different job. And now, our halftime TV game show The Municipal Matchmaker! To win an introduction to the second cousin of a county commissioner, text BLITZ to 555-2359 and answer this question: 'What do you say to somebody wearing the other team's jersey at a wedding?' Second half. The sideline heaters are glowing and the intensity is back up.

Empty backfield, single high, and Justin Herbert rips it into the window before the mike linebacker can open his hips. Efficient and a little mean. The edge is GONE and Randy Moss is through it! That is a defensive front getting moved off the ball on national television! Fourth and 6 at the 15, field goal unit on, Randy Moss converts from 33. Three points.

Perfect ball from Justin Herbert, right in the bread basket, and Rob Gronkowski DROPS IT. You cannot give one back like that. Jerry Rice punts, no return, ball spotted at the two-yard line.

That is the third field goal of the day for Green Bay Shareholders. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

Rob Gronkowski catches that the way you catch a can somebody tosses across a room -- casual, one hand, no ceremony, except a cornerback is hanging off his hip. Rob Gronkowski treats a 31-yarder the way you treat a light switch. Flip it, walk off, three points.

He CHECKS IT! Justin Herbert at the line, screaming the new call, clapping his hands, and the entire defense just got outsmarted! That defender went down like a stack of empty crates, and Justin Herbert never so much as broke stride. THAT IS GOOD, AND IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING ELSE! Mike Alstott from 29 and that ball never wobbles once.

This one is on the headsets, not the player. Barry Sanders was sent out for a package that got waved off two seconds too late. The chains kept moving and nothing we tried slowed it down. Fourteen plays, seven minutes off the clock, and Green Bay Shareholders finishes the drive with six.

Escort service! Samuel Finley Breese Morse is out in front of Mike Alstott and the ball carrier does not have to make a single cut until he is fifteen yards downfield! You can hear the strike all the way up in the press box, and Mike Alstott watches his own football still climbing as it passes the 20.

Mike Alstott drops flat on his back in the end zone and makes a snow angel in turf that has never seen snow. Barry Sanders lies down beside him and does the same. Two men making angels in green rubber pellets while a defensive coordinator on the other sideline throws his headset into the ground.

Two sidelines at midfield, punches out on the edges, and Justin Herbert identified by the officials. That costs yardage and it costs personnel. Green Bay Shareholders goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

Rob Gronkowski punches his own thigh pad three times. Mike Alstott puts a hand on his wrist. It stops. And here is the answer to our game show The Municipal Matchmaker! Alvin Dee Swindell of Trotters Mill, Ohio, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What do you say to somebody wearing the other team's jersey at a wedding?' The answer was of course nothing, and then you say it louder. Alvin Dee therefore wins an introduction to the second cousin of a county commissioner! My evening in summary: talk, drink coffee, talk louder, spill the coffee, keep talking straight through it. We're signing off here. Next: 'Nature: The Migration of Shopping Carts Across the Parking Lot.'

Matchday 14 — vs Buffalo Table-Breakers

27-36 (L)

Four-man rush, nobody blitzed. Samuel Finley Breese Morse wins a one-on-one in under two and a half seconds, and that is how you wreck a game plan. The inventor was handed the single hardest assignment on this field and treated it like an ordinary shift. No drama, no safety help, no completions. Right down the middle from thirty-four. Buffalo Table-Breakers caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

They wanted the seam. Samuel Finley Breese Morse took the seam, took the football, and took eleven yards back the other way before the whistle. Second and six, Samuel Finley Breese Morse off the right hip of the tackle, gain of seven. First down, and the chains are on the move again. Fourth and 6 at the 15, field goal unit on, Samuel Finley Breese Morse converts from 33. Three points.

He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Barry Sanders recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Buffalo Table-Breakers, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

Mike Alstott is wrestling a couch up a stairwell out there. Ugly, heavy, and it always ends up where it was going. The rush comes free, Mike Alstott floats it over the top, and here comes the CONVOY in front of Barry Sanders! Heavy personnel, six offensive linemen, and there was no mystery whatsoever about the call. Did not matter: Barry Sanders follows the fullback and gets it in. Barry Sanders taps the point after through and this one is academic. Seven on the board.

Barry Sanders looks down at his empty hands and starts a frantic search of the end zone -- on his knees, patting the turf, checking under the pylon. The ball is tucked into the back of his own jersey and has been the entire time. Randy Moss joins the search with total commitment and finds nothing. When Barry Sanders finally reaches around and produces it, he holds it over his head like a man who has recovered a lost dog.

A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Buffalo Table-Breakers stretches the lead.

The horn sounds on the second quarter. Samuel Finley Breese Morse pulls the helmet off before he even reaches the sideline. Confession: Samuel Finley Breese Morse is convinced the heaters on the Buffalo Table-Breakers sideline run warmer than ours. It is a whole thing. And now, our halftime TV game show Concentration in the Red Zone! To win a five-gallon can of end zone paint, mostly dried, text BLITZ to 555-0271 and answer this question: 'How red is the red zone, in terms of actual paint?' Kickoff to open the third quarter. Everything from here is a different game.

HE IS IN! Mike Alstott takes the handoff, finds the crease in the B-gap and finishes it standing straight up! New York has it. The call on the field was a completion to Justin Herbert, and it takes clear and obvious evidence to move off that. Nothing on the scoreboard changes, nobody in here ever stopped celebrating, and the extra point unit is already lined up. Six for Justin Herbert. Hold is upright, the spot never moves an inch, and Rob Gronkowski hits it flush. Nothing about that operation was rushed.

Justin Herbert hurdles a downed defender on the way in, and once he is over the line he turns around and hurdles Mike Alstott for good measure. Mike Alstott was not warned. He was crouching to tie a shoe. This is on every highlight package in the country and it is not even the touchdown that is the story.

Two-gap discipline from Barry Sanders: he holds his ground, sheds the double team late, and makes the tackle right on the football. Splits the uprights. Buffalo Table-Breakers settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

Double team up to the linebacker, Samuel Finley Breese Morse climbs to the second level, and the running back has not been touched behind the line all half. Zero margin, no second try, and a white line that does not negotiate. The inventor has better footwork than most people manage getting out of a packed elevator. No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Samuel Finley Breese Morse. Down the middle from 36.

Perfect technique from Mike Alstott -- he plays the ball, not the man, and there is not a flag anywhere on this field. Count them up, there are TWELVE out there! Jerry Rice never got the signal to come off, and that is five yards! Field position, then penalties, then the score. Buffalo Table-Breakers has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

Freeze it at the stem -- Rob Gronkowski does not bite on the double move, keeps his eyes on the hip, and turns to run before the receiver does.

Second time in three drives. Buffalo Table-Breakers punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

Justin Herbert sees the yellow, points downfield and takes the shot anyway. Nothing to lose on a free play. That football hung up there long enough for the whole stadium to do the math, and Justin Herbert was the only man in the building who got the answer right. Big touchdown, big celebration, and then the inventor quietly comes on to file the paperwork. Point is good.

Illegal substitution. Jerry Rice is caught halfway to the sideline at the snap, and the flag is out immediately. Buffalo Table-Breakers goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

Look at the get-off from Barry Sanders -- he is two yards upfield before the center's hand leaves the football. You cannot block that. Second and long just got worse. Barry Sanders with the sack, seven yards back, and the chains are a memory. We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Buffalo Table-Breakers, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

They drop into a two-high shell and dare him to take the underneath. Justin Herbert will take it, and take it, and take it again, and the chains keep crawling. Free conference at the sideline, and it matters: Justin Herbert gets the call, the answer to the call, and the check off the answer before he ever touches the ball again. LOOK at that pocket! Justin Herbert has built a living room back there and his quarterback is choosing a target at his own pace!

Randy Moss takes a hand from an Buffalo Table-Breakers lineman without making eye contact. Rob Gronkowski makes eye contact and instantly regrets it. And here is the answer to our game Concentration in the Red Zone! Arlene Bickerstaff of Red Barn Bottom, Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How red is the red zone, in terms of actual paint?' The answer was of course two coats, and the second one was applied by a man in a hurry. Arlene takes home a five-gallon can of end zone paint, mostly dried! Meanwhile, up here, I knocked my stat sheet off the desk in the second quarter and never saw it again. That's our show. Up next: 'Storage Wars: My Parents' Attic.' Bidding starts at nothing.

Matchday 15 — vs Philadelphia Pole-Greasers

12-28 (L)

Rob Gronkowski gets hauled out of the middle of it along with a body from the other side. The flags offset, the consequences do not. Screen pass, one missed tackle at the thirty, and Philadelphia Pole-Greasers is gone. That is a fundamentals problem, and the fundamentals are ours to fix.

Third quarter, twenty-first carry, and Barry Sanders is still falling forward at the end of every single one of them. Screen to the right from Barry Sanders, blockers out in front, brought down after a gain of fourteen. Mike Alstott stares down at his cleats like they betrayed him personally, and tonight they did.

Draw on second and twelve, Barry Sanders up the middle, first down at the forty-one. Clock keeps rolling. THE BALL IS OUT! Barry Sanders loses it at the 34, there is a scrum at the bottom of the pile, and it is the wrong colored jersey that comes up holding it.

You want to know why this offense looks unbothered tonight? Watch Samuel Finley Breese Morse on every single snap. Nobody is getting home. Samuel Finley Breese Morse strikes it, both arms go straight up behind the goalposts, and this crowd gets the three points it came down here for.

Six men form a rowing crew in the end zone, Samuel Finley Breese Morse at the stroke seat, and they pull hard in perfect rhythm across the goal line. Rob Gronkowski is the coxswain and he is screaming a cadence nobody can hear. It is the most coordinated thing this offense has done all season.

NOT THERE, NOT NOW! Justin Herbert lets the play clock die in a one-score game and this crowd smells blood! There is the CREASE! Jerry Rice bounces off the seal and gets all the way to the numbers before the safety can close!

Break. There is a fresh strip of tape across the bridge of Samuel Finley Breese Morse's nose. Did you know? Samuel Finley Breese Morse has a standing rule about never watching the halftime show. Says it breaks his focus. And now, our halftime TV game show The Ninety Minute Fiance! To win a commemorative plate honoring a couple who did not make it, text BLITZ to 555-2324 and answer this question: 'How long does an engagement last if it begins during a fourth quarter comeback?' Second-half kickoff. Everything from here counts double. Or it certainly feels that way.

Philadelphia Pole-Greasers goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

Turnover! Barry Sanders punches it out at the top of the drop, then falls on his own mess at the 31-yard line. Barry Sanders gives it to Rob Gronkowski on the fly, and their corner is caught peeking into the backfield. Nine free yards. THAT IS GOOD, AND IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING ELSE! Rob Gronkowski from 29 and that ball never wobbles once.

Rob Gronkowski tucks the ball under his jersey, cradles the bump, and rocks it gently while walking the length of the end zone. Randy Moss follows with a hand on his back like a very concerned husband. The Philadelphia Pole-Greasers sideline is not amused. The referee already has the flag out of his belt.

Third and 8, empty backfield, and Barry Sanders takes him down before the route concept ever develops. Punt team. A stop was one snap away, and now Barry Sanders has handed the other sideline field position it did nothing to earn. Play action freezes our linebackers, the tight end slips out behind them, and Philadelphia Pole-Greasers scores with nobody in the picture. That is a bust, plain and simple.

Mike Alstott plucked that thing out of the air with the calm of somebody taking mail out of his own box. Nothing hurried about it at all. Mike Alstott never breaks stride, puts one hand up almost as an afterthought, and it sticks. Justin Herbert is already pointing downfield. No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Mike Alstott. Down the middle from 36.

Mike Alstott digs a red challenge flag out of his own sock and throws it on his own touchdown. He signals for a review of himself, hands squared into a box, completely serious about it. The referee looks at the flag lying on the turf for a long moment and then simply walks away from it. Samuel Finley Breese Morse picks it up and throws it again.

Yellow laundry deep in the secondary, and it is on Mike Alstott. Pass interference, and the ball travels all the way down to the twenty. Field position, then penalties, then the score. Philadelphia Pole-Greasers has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

Smart, disciplined football from Justin Herbert. He takes the boundary instead of the middle, because the middle of the field bleeds seconds. Randy Moss in the open field, one man to beat, and he leaves him GRABBING AIR! Ankles all over the turf! FIFTY-FOUR YARDS AND HE HAS THE LEG! Randy Moss drills it and this place comes UNGLUED!

THEY GOT IT! Barry Sanders comes up with the onside kick and this football game is not over! MERCY! Barry Sanders just made a professional tackler look like a man stepping onto ice!

Mike Alstott keeps the helmet in his lap the whole bus ride. Jerry Rice puts his overhead and turns to the window. And here is the answer to our game show The Ninety Minute Fiance! Idalene Crutchfield of Mud Lick Station, Kentucky, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long does an engagement last if it begins during a fourth quarter comeback?' The answer was of course exactly as long as the comeback does. Idalene therefore wins a commemorative plate honoring a couple who did not make it! The stat crew handed me a fresh page with three minutes left. I nodded like I read it. I did not read it. Good night out there. Stay tuned for 'Chopped: Whatever Is Left in the Break Room Fridge.'