My dream soccer team — football_team 🇨🇦

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

Mike Tyson finds Matt Vinc with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Matt Vinc plays it simple to Gabriel Iglesias, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Gabriel Iglesias catches everyone off guard and SHOOTS from 25 yards! The ball explodes top bins, GOAL!

'I told you so' mode. Mike Tyson eyeballs the Paris Saint-Glinglin bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Jake Paul pulls Mike Tyson away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Cross from the right by Dhane Smith, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Gabriel Iglesias at the back post. Enormous leap from Gabriel Iglesias who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments.

The lacrosse player finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Dhane Smith clean through. Pure genius from that position. Dhane Smith shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Gabriel Iglesias wraps an arm around the opponent to slow him down. Referee has seen it.

Panicked clearance from IShowSpeed, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Momentum is a funny thing in football, and it's firmly in their corner. Dhane Smith fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Kylian Mbappé throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box.

Header missed from the corner by the lacrosse player! In that position, when you put in deliveries like that, you expect your teammates to do the business in the air. Jake Paul launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. IShowSpeed unleashes a raking ball out to Josh Byrne, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

The boss pulls Mike Tyson aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 60 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Mike Tyson just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. A cracking detail — Josh Byrne, standing at 180, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 6161 and answer this question: 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?' Josh Byrne trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Dangerous delivery from the lacrosse player on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Mike Tyson leaps, catches, lands. All flowing, all controlled. The keeper is in AUTHORITY mode. Quick exchange between Logan Paul and Matt Vinc, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Matt Vinc shifts it wide to Cyle Larin on the right, lovely ball into the space. Tight offside call against Cyle Larin, the assistant raises his flag. Kylian Mbappé protests furiously.

The boxer throws it out to Cyle Larin, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Cyle Larin to Josh Byrne, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The lacrosse player lays it off first time to Matt Vinc, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Cyle Larin pierces the backline with a low through ball, Gabriel Iglesias latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Gabriel Iglesias is flagged yet again. He can't seem to get his timing right with Tehoka Nanticoke's passes.

What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Josh Byrne slides a beauty through the gap, Kylian Mbappé is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Kylian Mbappé is well offside there. Dhane Smith tried to find him but the run was mistimed. Mike Tyson lumps it long towards Kylian Mbappé, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Kylian Mbappé feeds Dhane Smith in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Free kick from Matt Vinc delivered with pace, Dhane Smith finds himself in space at the far post. The lacrosse player heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on.

That is a statement result! Gabriel Iglesias stands at the centre circle and applauds every corner of the ground, slowly, deliberately. Matt Vinc joins him. The floodlights catch the moment perfectly. Somewhere, a photographer just got his picture of the season. Paris Saint-Glinglin won't forget this one. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?'. The answer was of course a fried egg and half a sausage, obviously. Trevor wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-0 (W)

The lacrosse player wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice. They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. GOOOOAL! Cyle Larin was lurking in the right place, he toes it in past the keeper.

Josh Byrne sends the free kick in front of goal, Cyle Larin leaps to try the header. Cyle Larin takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air.

Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. Massive diagonal from Jake Paul! Matt Vinc receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. LOOONG range effort from Matt Vinc! It's heading goalward but the keeper is alert. Corner.

Relentless pressing, the opposition can barely breathe out there. High recovery from the lacrosse player who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. CRAAACKER from Tehoka Nanticoke outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide!

This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Cyle Larin slides in but gets the man before the ball. Free kick, no complaints.

The gaffer walks in, points at the lads, and simply says: "That is exactly what I asked for. Keep it up." Tehoka Nanticoke nods, ice pack on the knee, cool as you like. Mike Tyson is already talking about where they are going for dinner. Nando's gets three votes. The chippy gets five. Democracy in action. Gabriel Iglesias once got stuck in a climbing frame during a Year 6 school trip and the fire brigade had to cut the lad free. Now 180 and 50, the photos are still pinned to his mum's fridge. And now, our TV game show Catchphrase It Yourself! To win a complete set of Allen keys from IKEA, text 0800FLAT and answer: 'How many leftover screws is it acceptable to have after building a Billy bookcase?' Second half underway and IShowSpeed is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Rapid combination: Matt Vinc to Tehoka Nanticoke, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Tehoka Nanticoke rolls it back across the turf, Kylian Mbappé is lurking in the box, ready to pounce. BANG! Kylian Mbappé hits it! On target, it's flying but the keeper is there and gathers at the second attempt.

Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Josh Byrne keeps it short to Gabriel Iglesias, no frills, just good football intelligence. The film producer pulls it back along the ground for Kylian Mbappé. The low cut-back is his trademark.

Jake Paul sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. The youtuber finds Matt Vinc along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Matt Vinc feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed. Overlap on the left from Matt Vinc, floated cross towards Tehoka Nanticoke who rises highest at the far post. Oh no Tehoka Nanticoke fluffs his header! The cross from Jake Paul was inch-perfect but it goes over.

Superb tackle from the movie actor/actress, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Logan Paul gives it to Dhane Smith into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Dhane Smith takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Dhane Smith lays it off first time to Logan Paul, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

The free kick from Matt Vinc is sent to the near post, Kylian Mbappé rushes in to meet it. Kylian Mbappé crosses from the right but the defender blocks it with his shins. It is not getting through. Dhane Smith puts an inswinger in, a defender at the near post does the business and clears.

That's what it MEANS! Tehoka Nanticoke rips off his shirt and whips it around his head, sprinting toward the corner flag. IShowSpeed catches up and they collide in a mess of limbs and pure joy. The gaffer's fist-pumping on the touchline. México No-Era-Penal are done. Absolutely done. Ingrid from Milton Keynes says three leftover screws is fine but anything above five and the whole thing is coming down. Allen keys for Ingrid! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-0 (W)

Mike Tyson rolls it short to Cyle Larin into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Huge aerial duel won by Cyle Larin, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane. GOOOOL from Cyle Larin! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Kylian Mbappé, the ball brushes the post and is in!

The lacrosse player puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs. Logan Paul launches it to Cyle Larin on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Devastating burst of pace from Cyle Larin, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Cyle Larin gets tackled cleanly by the defender mid-dribble. Possession lost. Clinical interception from Logan Paul, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so.

The lacrosse player floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. Kylian Mbappé delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Kylian Mbappé shoots but it cannons off the defender's legs. The shot is denied. Massive clearance from Jake Paul in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy. Enormous press from Kylian Mbappé who wins the ball thirty yards from goal. The opponent buckled under the pressure.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Change of flanks from Gabriel Iglesias, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Cyle Larin. Lay-off from Cyle Larin to Matt Vinc, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." IShowSpeed is leaning back with {his} feet up, 180 cm of pure relaxation. Dhane Smith is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. Tehoka Nanticoke attempted a Jamie Oliver fifteen-minute meal that took the 28-year-old two and a half hours and resulted in what witnesses described as 'a crime against pasta.' The smoke alarm went off thrice. And now, our TV game show The Masked Commuter! To win a monthly Oyster card and a disapproving stare, text 0800TUBE and answer: 'What is the correct facial expression when someone sits next to you on an empty train?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Jake Paul picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Clearance from the boxer towards Tehoka Nanticoke, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Quick one-two between Tehoka Nanticoke and Gabriel Iglesias, clean as you like, they are moving forward. The film producer plays it simple to Josh Byrne, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The lacrosse player opens up to Tehoka Nanticoke on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

Logan Paul reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Logan Paul embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal.

Matt Vinc plays the free kick short and fast to Josh Byrne, they catch everyone on the hop. Good ball from the lacrosse player to IShowSpeed, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Pinpoint delivery from the rapper towards Tehoka Nanticoke, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. The boxer pushes the shot away with an iron fist. In that position, reflexes are everything, and right there he was MONUMENTAL.

Cyle Larin pings a long diagonal to Jake Paul, completely shifts the point of attack. Good cross from the youtuber for Josh Byrne in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. The lacrosse player wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. One laser pass from Gabriel Iglesias and the entire defence is eliminated, Cyle Larin is through on goal. The space is enormous. Cyle Larin is a fraction offside when Josh Byrne plays the ball, the flag goes up instantly.

Superb! Jake Paul jogs toward the tunnel but stops, turns around, and takes one last look at the pitch under the lights. Matt Vinc waits for him at the door: "Beautiful, isn't it?" Jake Paul nods. They disappear inside. The muffled sound of celebration follows. Magic night. Simon from Woking says the correct expression is existential despair masked by looking at your phone. Oyster card for Simon! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-2 (L)

Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. GOOOAL! Josh Byrne sends a SUMPTUOUS lob over the goalkeeper! The ball makes a perfect parabola and drops into the goal. Technical MASTERPIECE!

Josh Byrne dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Tehoka Nanticoke can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Mike Tyson claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

GOAL for Dakar Teranga FC! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Mike Tyson mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Dhane Smith plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Mike Tyson applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Looping cross from Tehoka Nanticoke, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Josh Byrne. Danger. OVERHEAD from Josh Byrne! GOOOOOAL! The cross from Cyle Larin arrives, Josh Byrne jumps, turns his back to goal and CATAPULTS the ball with an acrobatic overhead right into the net! ABSOLUTE MASTERPIECE!

Driven cross from Tehoka Nanticoke into the box, Logan Paul arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. Logan Paul gets his head on it, good timing but wrong direction, it drifts wide. Emergency clearance from the lacrosse player, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

Oh that's terrible! Dakar Teranga FC score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Mike Tyson kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Josh Byrne takes a knee behind him. Mike Tyson raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. IShowSpeed is biting {his} nails in the corner. Matt Vinc stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Matt Vinc once held a door open for Gordon Ramsay and inexplicably said 'cheers, Dad.' The 44-year-old has not spoken publicly about the incident, but Ramsay apparently replied 'you're welcome, son.' And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Second half underway and Mike Tyson is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

IShowSpeed drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Matt Vinc read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Gabriel Iglesias threads it through to Matt Vinc, but the assistant referee has his flag raised. Offside. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Raking ball from the film producer to Josh Byrne, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Overlap from Kylian Mbappé with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Great overlap from Kylian Mbappé down the flank, pinpoint cross for Tehoka Nanticoke in the area. This is the moment. The cross from the lacrosse player is blocked by a defender. That is the risk when you deliver from that area, the defence is watching. Josh Byrne launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

The corner from the lacrosse player was spot on but the header goes over. In that position, you do your job with the delivery, the attackers need to finish. Mike Tyson distributes by hand to Jake Paul on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Incredible burst of pace from Jake Paul, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Jake Paul reaches the byline and pulls it back for Tehoka Nanticoke, the low ball fizzes through the area.

Tidy restart from Mike Tyson along the deck to Matt Vinc, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Matt Vinc pings a ridiculous diagonal to IShowSpeed. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. IShowSpeed hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace.

Matt Vinc sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, Cyle Larin pops up between two defenders. Lovely take from the boxer! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box. Dhane Smith delivers a tidy ball to Kylian Mbappé, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Ground pass from Kylian Mbappé into the free zone for Cyle Larin, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post. Marginal offside called on Cyle Larin, Josh Byrne's through ball cut the defence open perfectly.

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Pass into space from Tehoka Nanticoke for Kylian Mbappé, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. Kylian Mbappé overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly.

Short restart from Mike Tyson to Kylian Mbappé, building from the back nice and tidy. Sideways ball from Kylian Mbappé to Matt Vinc, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Short pass from the lacrosse player to Josh Byrne, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Foul by the lacrosse player, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. Josh Byrne plays the free kick into the danger zone, Kylian Mbappé arrives at the penalty spot.

1-1. Mike Tyson and Logan Paul are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Mike Tyson. "Next time," replies Logan Paul. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-3 (L)

Magnificent tackle from IShowSpeed! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. IShowSpeed decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination. LOB from IShowSpeed! GOAL! The keeper was three yards off his line, IShowSpeed spotted it and sent a CHIPPED ball that sails over him and drops into the net. GENIUS awareness!

IShowSpeed runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Logan Paul gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Gabriel Iglesias shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Gabriel Iglesias turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Matt Vinc. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside given against Matt Vinc but that is desperately close, IShowSpeed is absolutely fuming!

It's a goal for Douala Makossa-Corner! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Mike Tyson weaves through Douala Makossa-Corner's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Cyle Larin screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

High recovery from Cyle Larin after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him. Cyle Larin shoots... and the fans in the back row get a souvenir. That's very far away. Driven kick from Mike Tyson to Jake Paul, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield.

IShowSpeed throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Tehoka Nanticoke drops a lofted ball to Matt Vinc, it sails over the entire midfield line.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Mike Tyson takes the hit without responding. Logan Paul drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Nutritionists are baffled by Logan Paul's insistence on eating Monster Munch before every match. At 188 tall, the lad credits pickled onion flavour specifically for his aerial dominance. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 4466 and answer this question: 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Cyle Larin sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Oh no, Douala Makossa-Corner have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Rehearsed move all week: Mike Tyson and Logan Paul stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Mike Tyson plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Mike Tyson launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Kylian Mbappé after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Kylian Mbappé slides it to IShowSpeed, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. IShowSpeed rolls it to Matt Vinc, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The opponent is bundled over by Matt Vinc. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. The free kick from Matt Vinc is a dangerous one, Josh Byrne meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box.

Superb defensive work from Gabriel Iglesias there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Overlap from the lacrosse player with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Good ball from the lacrosse player to Kylian Mbappé, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Magnificent shift from Kylian Mbappé! Logan Paul picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Mike Tyson runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Cyle Larin joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The boxer finds Dhane Smith with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Dhane Smith rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over. Dhane Smith powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Dhane Smith plays it back for Gabriel Iglesias on the edge of the area, there is a motorway in front of him. The boxer tips the strike around the post. In that position, when you have that level of reflexes, you are untouchable.

The lacrosse player accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Dhane Smith hits the deck like he's been shot by a sniper. Replay shows absolutely nothing. Booking for the lacrosse player for simulation, a player in that role should know better than to dive. The lacrosse player puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games.

The corner from Tehoka Nanticoke is immediately cleared at the near post, the defence is alert. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Kylian Mbappé curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save!

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Mike Tyson pushes it away with the tips of his gloves for a corner, that was scary. Mike Tyson distributes short to Cyle Larin, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

Defeat against Douala Makossa-Corner. IShowSpeed fronts up to the media: "Not good enough. My fault as much as anyone's." Short, honest, painful. Dhane Smith waits for him outside the press room. They walk to the car park together. The floodlights click off behind them. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 2019, though it immediately requested to be left alone, which is very Barnsley. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-2 (L)

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Mike Tyson places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Matt Vinc falls to his knees bowing. Mike Tyson does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

The rapper reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Absolute peach from IShowSpeed, threading it through for Cyle Larin, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOOAL! Cyle Larin was on the penalty spot at the right moment. With the tip of his boot he puts the ball in!

The movie actor/actress launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. The referee pulls play back for a foul by Jake Paul. Held the opponent back by the arm. Free kick played short by the youtuber! In that position, having the game intelligence to mix up your free kicks is what makes a team unpredictable. Gabriel Iglesias tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it.

Short build-up from Josh Byrne to Logan Paul, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Lovely use of the ball by Logan Paul, finding IShowSpeed in a tight pocket of space. Quality. IShowSpeed bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. The rapper loses the ball trying to dribble. In that position, you have got to pick your moments, and that was one too many.

Massive punt from Mike Tyson, sends the ball sixty yards, Dhane Smith is scrapping for it up top. Dhane Smith launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Dhane Smith links up with Logan Paul, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. Dhane Smith sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. Mike Tyson is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. Leaked texts reveal Gabriel Iglesias tried to blag a dodgy MOT for a mate's Fiat Punto, only to discover the mechanic was a massive fan. The 50-year-old got a free air freshener and a lecture about brake pads. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5577 and answer this question: 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?' Mike Tyson is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Individual run from Josh Byrne, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. Ball into space from Josh Byrne, Jake Paul just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius. The youtuber is flagged offside by a whisker on IShowSpeed's ball, agonising decision. Mike Tyson sends an absolute rocket towards Dhane Smith, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

They've done it! Lagos No-Carry-Last find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Mike Tyson runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Cyle Larin gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Lovely cross from the lacrosse player on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. OHHH the header from Josh Byrne off the cross from Tehoka Nanticoke! It flies a whisker past the post! The keeper had no chance. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Jake Paul to Josh Byrne, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

Dangerous play from Josh Byrne! He's left the ground and caught the attacker high. That's reckless. The red card is out! Josh Byrne has completely snapped, headbutts the opponent and he's off. Josh Byrne floats his free kick into the area, Matt Vinc is there for the header. What a leap from Matt Vinc! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure.

The free kick from Dhane Smith is played with a deft touch to Tehoka Nanticoke, well-drilled combination. Strike from Tehoka Nanticoke that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. Cyle Larin sends the ball into the stands, miles away from goal.

Ball in behind from the lacrosse player, Gabriel Iglesias is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Wide from the film producer! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. The boxer goes long for Logan Paul, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Firm pass from Logan Paul into Cyle Larin, right into the boots. No waste. High recovery from Cyle Larin, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming.

Wing switch from Jake Paul, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Tehoka Nanticoke brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Phenomenal leap from Tehoka Nanticoke who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. SHOOOOOOT from Kylian Mbappé! It's whistling towards goal but the keeper beats it away. Strong hands!

IShowSpeed sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Dhane Smith reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Dhane Smith. IShowSpeed almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?'. The answer was of course approximately the width of a bus shelter, expanding to cathedral size when someone waves at you and you wave back but they were waving at someone else. Geraldine wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-3 (L)

It's a goal! Barranquilla Toque-Toque go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Mike Tyson arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Jake Paul slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Matt Vinc accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Matt Vinc lobs the centre-halves with an inch-perfect cross, Tehoka Nanticoke arrives centrally behind them. Dream scenario. The lacrosse player meets the cross from Josh Byrne with his head and scores! GOOOAL! In that position, that aerial game is an insane weapon.

Matt Vinc and Gabriel Iglesias do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Mike Tyson arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Feint from Kylian Mbappé, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. PENALTY! Kylian Mbappé is fouled in the box, the defender touched the player BEFORE the ball. The referee blows, it is clear as DAY. DECISIVE moment! GOOOAL! Kylian Mbappé winds up the left foot and fires with POWER! The keeper got a touch but it goes in anyway!

Kylian Mbappé and Cyle Larin do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Mike Tyson arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. The rapper plays it simple to Dhane Smith, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Dhane Smith drills a low ball back across the face of goal, Matt Vinc is free inside the eighteen-yard box. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! Matt Vinc has the goal gifted by Cyle Larin and he fluffs his lines completely. You feel for him. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Tehoka Nanticoke decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path. SHOOOOT from Tehoka Nanticoke... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in. Long ball from Mike Tyson for Dhane Smith who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Dhane Smith wins the header and flicks it on for Gabriel Iglesias. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Josh Byrne: "180 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 32 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" Absolutely classic — IShowSpeed was once the star attraction at a village boot sale in Suffolk, selling his nan's ornamental plates. Raised forty-seven quid and a tin of Quality Street. The man is a national treasure at 21 years old. And now, our TV game show The Cube of Disappointment! To win a raffle ticket for a caravan in Skegness, text 3921 and answer: 'What is the average wind speed inside a British seaside caravan in August?' Here come the lads. Dhane Smith jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

GOAAAL for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Short distribution from Mike Tyson to Jake Paul, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Smooth transition from Jake Paul to IShowSpeed, no delay, the game keeps flowing. The rapper beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill.

Little shift from Jake Paul to Kylian Mbappé, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Kylian Mbappé strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Superb diagonal from the lacrosse player to Cyle Larin, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

What positioning from Logan Paul! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. The movie actor/actress cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Gabriel Iglesias. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Kylian Mbappé slides it through for Gabriel Iglesias, but the offside flag kills the move dead.

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Mike Tyson climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Tehoka Nanticoke films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Short restart from the boxer to Josh Byrne, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. That's a beauty from Josh Byrne! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. The lacrosse player plays it simple to Tehoka Nanticoke, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. WHAT A SHAME for Tehoka Nanticoke! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

The boxer goes long for Cyle Larin, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Cyle Larin steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Tehoka Nanticoke beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Tehoka Nanticoke has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out.

The lacrosse player plays the free kick short instead of shooting. In that position, that kind of reading of the game at set pieces is pure football IQ. Just wide! Dhane Smith struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. 70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that. CRAAACKER from Cyle Larin outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close...

That's that, then. Gabriel Iglesias trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Matt Vinc hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. Colin from Cleethorpes says the average is forty-seven miles per hour and that's inside the caravan. Raffle ticket is his! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

Good ball from IShowSpeed to Josh Byrne, playing it quick between the lines. Wall pass between the lacrosse player and Gabriel Iglesias, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. The lacrosse player produces a phenomenal slalom and scores all on his own! GOAL! In that position, that individual talent is what sets you apart from the rest.

The lacrosse player puts in a pinpoint corner but nobody hits the target. In that position, it is maddening to see your deliveries go to waste like that. Mike Tyson goes long for Tehoka Nanticoke, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Tehoka Nanticoke cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. The lacrosse player switches the play to Cyle Larin, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Crafty ball from Cyle Larin into the gap, Gabriel Iglesias arrives into the space and collects on the move.

Through ball from the movie actor/actress for Josh Byrne, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. The offside trap works a treat, Josh Byrne is caught out as Cyle Larin plays the ball forward. The boxer finds Josh Byrne with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Switch from Josh Byrne! The ball arcs over the midfield and Jake Paul collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

Inch-perfect tackle by IShowSpeed, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. IShowSpeed picks out Josh Byrne with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Josh Byrne plays the simple ball to Kylian Mbappé, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Kylian Mbappé bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Josh Byrne wins the aerial battle. Cross from Josh Byrne intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert.

It's there! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Jake Paul sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Kylian Mbappé sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Jake Paul nods but does not look up. IShowSpeed turned up to a school reunion in full kit and boots, apparently misreading the invitation. The 21-year-old spent the evening doing keepy-uppies in the car park while everyone else had a carvery. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' The second period begins and IShowSpeed launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Long kick from Mike Tyson, Cyle Larin positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Interception from Cyle Larin who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Cyle Larin.

The lacrosse player plays it simple to Jake Paul, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Short pass from the youtuber to IShowSpeed, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. IShowSpeed strings together a double stepover and leaves the defender for dead. Sublime skill. IShowSpeed unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Tehoka Nanticoke sets it for Jake Paul, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Big strike from the youtuber, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times. Jake Paul sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear.

Gabriel Iglesias chases and chases and finally catches the winger who had a head start. What an athlete. Nasty little foul from Gabriel Iglesias, he takes out the legs from under the runner. The referee shows yellow to Gabriel Iglesias. He hacked down the attacker to buy his defence time. The film producer is dismissed after a second yellow. A player in that position simply cannot afford that kind of recklessness. The free kick from Gabriel Iglesias is floated in, Kylian Mbappé makes his run to the back post.

We're into stoppage time, the tension ratchets up another notch. Logan Paul changes his mind three times before taking the throw-in. Free kick conceded by Logan Paul, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. Free kick crossed in by the movie actor/actress into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. WHAT A HEADER from Tehoka Nanticoke! It fliiiiies... but it goes wide. The post was shaking.

The free kick from Matt Vinc clears the defence and finds Kylian Mbappé in the danger area. Kylian Mbappé launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Kylian Mbappé was flying.

Level. Kylian Mbappé picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Jake Paul waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-3 (L)

Classy interception from Gabriel Iglesias, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Incredible solo charge from the film producer, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition. GOOOOOAL! Gabriel Iglesias lets his technique do the talking, he curls it on the pass from Kylian Mbappé and the ball nestles in the corner!

Fresh air tackle from the film producer, left on the deck while the attacker runs off. In that role, timing is absolutely everything. PENALTY! Dhane Smith is illegally stopped in the box! The defender tripped him, the referee has no doubt. The stadium is THROBBING, this is the moment of truth! GOOOAL from the lacrosse player on the penalty! In that position, when you are the one taking the penalties and burying them, you are the boss of the team.

The boxer goes long for Gabriel Iglesias, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Gabriel Iglesias dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. The film producer lays it off first time to Dhane Smith, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Shot from Dhane Smith, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres.

GOAAAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Mike Tyson. Cyle Larin is on his knees clapping, Mike Tyson is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff. The boxer dives at the ball and wins the duel. In that position, when you have that bravery, you are a true number one. Instinctive clearance from Logan Paul who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Kylian Mbappé reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." IShowSpeed stares at the carnage. Matt Vinc swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. A train mix-up saw Gabriel Iglesias end up in Scunthorpe instead of Southampton for an away match. The 50-year-old spent three hours in a Wetherspoons before the gaffer sent a minibus. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6060 and answer this question: 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?' Here come the lads. IShowSpeed jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Quick throw from Mike Tyson to Kylian Mbappé out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Great vision from Kylian Mbappé who switches to IShowSpeed. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Masterful aerial duel from IShowSpeed, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Massive clearance from the rapper under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Mike Tyson sparks the transition with a quick throw to Dhane Smith, the break is lightning fast.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. Mike Tyson climbs and grabs the ball with both hands. The cross is killed off, the danger is gone. Mike Tyson fires it out quickly by hand to Logan Paul, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break. What a ball from Gabriel Iglesias! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Cyle Larin is away on his own. That is velvet. BY A WHISKER! Cyle Larin fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. Mike Tyson plays out from the back with Kylian Mbappé, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

Well-taken corner from the lacrosse player but the header is wasted. In that position, delivering crosses of that quality is all you can ask, the rest is down to others. Mike Tyson catapults the ball towards Gabriel Iglesias from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. One touch football: Gabriel Iglesias to Logan Paul, faster than the opposition can think. Logan Paul opens up to IShowSpeed on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

GOAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. The boxer narrows the angle and gathers at the feet. In that position, that courage and reading of the game wins you matches. Jake Paul clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

Unbelievable! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Mike Tyson climbs onto IShowSpeed's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Mike Tyson circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Dhane Smith sends his cross straight into the keeper's gloves, nobody on the end of it. Mike Tyson makes the right call and gathers the ball in the air. The defence can relax, the keeper is there. Good ball from the lacrosse player to Gabriel Iglesias, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Dhane Smith stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Matt Vinc walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?'. The answer was of course Shropshire, where the Cheddar Protection Act of 1903 remains in force. Geraldine wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-3 (L)

GOAL! Rio Malandro FC have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Solidarity move: Mike Tyson grabs Gabriel Iglesias who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Gabriel Iglesias a standing ovation right through to the restart.

The boxer finds Cyle Larin with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Header won by Cyle Larin, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall. Headed goal for Cyle Larin from the perfect cross by Kylian Mbappé, the keeper is beaten.

IShowSpeed cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Sublime through ball from IShowSpeed for Gabriel Iglesias who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. The linesman's flag goes up for Gabriel Iglesias, offside by centimetres! Logan Paul wanted that one badly.

It's hit the back of the net! Rio Malandro FC lead and we look completely lost.

Mike Tyson dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. IShowSpeed can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Mike Tyson claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Cyle Larin finds Kylian Mbappé between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Burst of speed from Kylian Mbappé, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Blatant tug from Kylian Mbappé on the attacker's shirt, the ref saw everything. Booking for Kylian Mbappé. He took one for the team, fouling early to prevent the overload.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Dhane Smith grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Logan Paul is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. A plumber was called to Cyle Larin's house after the 31-year-old attempted to fix a leaky tap and somehow flooded the entire kitchen. The bill came to more than the original tap was worth — by roughly four grand. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' Tehoka Nanticoke trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

They've nicked a goal! Rio Malandro FC catch us cold on the break.

Mike Tyson does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Gabriel Iglesias launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Mike Tyson arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

IShowSpeed is beaten in the air by his opponent, he could not compete. Poor handling from Mike Tyson! The ball slips out of his gloves, panic stations in the box! The lacrosse player boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Jake Paul arrives at pace on the corner from Dhane Smith, header at the near post but it is too wide. Authoritative clearance from Josh Byrne in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Monumental ball from Kylian Mbappé to IShowSpeed, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

IShowSpeed changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Gabriel Iglesias. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Floated cross from Gabriel Iglesias off the right, Josh Byrne has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. The lacrosse player dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces.

Gabriel Iglesias with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. The lacrosse player reads the movement before anyone else and puts Kylian Mbappé into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. Cut-back from Kylian Mbappé, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Logan Paul.

The lacrosse player plays it simple to Josh Byrne, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Josh Byrne powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Josh Byrne reaches the byline and cuts it back for IShowSpeed arriving from the second wave. Aimless cross from IShowSpeed, not for Logan Paul, not for anyone. That is a waste.

Jake Paul thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake.

The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Tehoka Nanticoke puts it right into the feet of Gabriel Iglesias, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Step-overs from Gabriel Iglesias, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch. Short pass from the film producer to Jake Paul, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

It's done. Rio Malandro FC win, we lose, the table doesn't lie. Jake Paul and Kylian Mbappé walk out together, bags over shoulders, eyes on the floor. The security guard holds the door and says nothing. Outside, it's started raining. Of course it has. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-3 (L)

The lacrosse player bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match. The defender bundles over Josh Byrne in the box, the referee blows for a penalty without HESITATION. The stadium holds its breath, everything is decided NOW. GOAL for Josh Byrne! PANENKA penalty! The keeper dives and the ball floats over him, AUDACIOUS!

They've scored! Istanbul Cehennem FK find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Kylian Mbappé tries his luck, it's ON TARGEEEET but the keeper dives full stretch and pulls off a worldie! The referee's been called over to the monitor. Nobody knows which way this is going. Kylian Mbappé was indeed fouled! VAR confirms, penalty for the challenge! SAVED! The keeper dives to his right and pushes away Dhane Smith's penalty! What a stop! Mike Tyson throws it out quickly to Gabriel Iglesias, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Jake Paul aims for Cyle Larin but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. Ferocious press from Gabriel Iglesias! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players.

Oh no, Istanbul Cehennem FK score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Mike Tyson dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Matt Vinc can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Mike Tyson claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Josh Byrne, you have barely touched the ball. Jake Paul, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Teammates say Jake Paul has an uncanny ability to find the nearest Greggs within thirty seconds of arriving in any city. It's like a sixth sense. At 183, he's essentially a sausage-roll-seeking missile in football boots. And now, our TV game show University Challenge Yourself! To win an umbrella that actually works, text 4012 and answer: 'How many consecutive days of rain does it take for a British person to mention the weather?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Josh Byrne is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

The boxer throws it out to Dhane Smith, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Brilliant switch of play from Dhane Smith! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Gabriel Iglesias. Enormous leap from the film producer who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. The film producer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. The boxer goes long for IShowSpeed, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

The stadium erupts but WAIT! Josh Byrne is flagged offside from Gabriel Iglesias's ball. Goal chalked off! Complete uncertainty in the stadium, VAR has been called in, nobody is breathing. Offside given by VAR — Logan Paul's goal doesn't stand! Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill.

Kylian Mbappé puts Logan Paul into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. SCENES! Logan Paul scores from IShowSpeed's cross... but no! The flag is up, offside! What a letdown! VAR signal from the referee, he stops dead in the centre circle. What's he going to give? After all that drama, VAR confirms Gabriel Iglesias's goal! Well deserved!

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Mike Tyson stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Cyle Larin follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Mike Tyson plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Dhane Smith shifts it to Gabriel Iglesias with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Free kick conceded by the film producer, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner.

Mike Tyson plays it along the ground to Jake Paul, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Crossfield pass from Jake Paul to Dhane Smith, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Powerful run from Dhane Smith down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there.

The boxer throws it out to Tehoka Nanticoke, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Dominant header from Tehoka Nanticoke on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes.

Lovely cross from the lacrosse player on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. Logan Paul outjumps everyone for this header but it does not find the target. Wide. Mike Tyson plays it short to IShowSpeed, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

Matt Vinc sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Tehoka Nanticoke reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Tehoka Nanticoke. Matt Vinc almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. Arthur from Stoke-on-Trent says zero consecutive days because a true Brit mentions it before it even starts. Arthur wins the umbrella! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-2 (L)

Oh dear oh dear! Milano Piano-Piano score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Mike Tyson unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Logan Paul makes a heart sign with his hands. Mike Tyson finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

The lacrosse player bounces off Dhane Smith for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better. The lacrosse player winds up and sends a SCREAMER top bins! In that position, that level of power is what makes you unpredictable. GOAL!

Josh Byrne climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Logan Paul films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Short corner from Josh Byrne to Jake Paul, nice tactical play worked out. Jake Paul slides the ball along the ground for Tehoka Nanticoke, the keeper is stranded on this cut-back. The lacrosse player prods the ball into the net with the tip of his boot! GOAL! In that position, that nose for goal makes you indispensable.

Mike Tyson smashes a volley towards Kylian Mbappé, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Kylian Mbappé is eaten alive in the air by the attacker, the duel is lost beyond any doubt. Pure power won the day. WHAT A DIVE from the boxer! That kind of keeper gives the whole team confidence. Kylian Mbappé climbs above everyone on the corner from Tehoka Nanticoke but his header is too wide.

Lovely anticipation from the film producer who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. The movie actor/actress spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Tehoka Nanticoke. That is exactly why he is out there. Tehoka Nanticoke breaks through but the flag is already up. Gabriel Iglesias's ball came just too late.

Logan Paul stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Milano Piano-Piano. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Mike Tyson cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. A source close to the squad tells us that Logan Paul has an encyclopaedic knowledge of every item on the Greggs menu. He can recite prices, calorie counts, and seasonal specials. At 188, he's basically a walking Greggs database. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 4466 and answer this question: 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Dhane Smith knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

GOAL for Milano Piano-Piano! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Rehearsed move all week: Mike Tyson and Gabriel Iglesias stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Mike Tyson plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Josh Byrne tugs the shirt of the opponent, referee spots it straight away. Free kick. Short free kick, Josh Byrne to Tehoka Nanticoke, tactical combination to unlock the defence.

Dhane Smith wants to beat his man but gets closed down by the defender. Back to sender. OHHHH Mike Tyson pulls off an OUTRAGEOUS fingertip save! The ball was flying under the bar but he flicked it away! Jake Paul tries the downward header on the corner from Tehoka Nanticoke but it goes wide. Wrong angle.

The lacrosse player finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Cyle Larin clean through. Pure genius from that position. OHHH Cyle Larin strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Josh Byrne goes crossfield to IShowSpeed, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

Tehoka Nanticoke slips Matt Vinc in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Matt Vinc squares it back for Cyle Larin, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in. Cyle Larin fires but a defender dives in and blocks the shot! The human wall holds firm. Gabriel Iglesias clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Aerial duel lost by Cyle Larin, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in.

The lacrosse player presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. Kylian Mbappé charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Oh my word Tehoka Nanticoke fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever.

1-1 and off we go. Mike Tyson hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Logan Paul does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 2019, though it immediately requested to be left alone, which is very Barnsley. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-3 (L)

It was bound to happen. Sevilla Olé-Olé score and honestly, we deserved that.

Mike Tyson mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Josh Byrne raises Mike Tyson's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Mike Tyson plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

The lacrosse player bends the ball into the box for Logan Paul. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. Oh the GOAL from Logan Paul! ACROBATIC OVERHEAD! The cross from Dhane Smith arrives slightly behind him, he throws himself backwards and connects with a MAJESTIC strike! The ball flies into the top corner, that is INSANE!

Crunching tackle by Gabriel Iglesias on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. The LOB! The LOOOB! Cyle Larin chips the ball and lobs the keeper with a DIVINE touch! The ball makes a perfect arc and settles into the goal. SUMPTUOUS!

Gabriel Iglesias unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Matt Vinc makes a heart sign with his hands. Mike Tyson finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

And that's a goal! Sevilla Olé-Olé extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Mike Tyson mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Jake Paul plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Mike Tyson applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

The lacrosse player dummies the shot and plays it short. In that position, that ability to read the defence and pick the right option is what separates the great players. Dhane Smith has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening. Tehoka Nanticoke lets rip and it SHAAAVES the woodwork! Inches from a goal, so unlucky.

Someone has kicked over the medical kit and there are ice packs and tape rolls scattered across the floor. Nobody picks them up. Mike Tyson sits among the debris, boots off, staring at the wall. Matt Vinc has not said a word since coming in. The gaffer surveys the wreckage, literal and metaphorical, and takes a deep breath before delivering his verdict. Staff at IKEA Wembley confirm Cyle Larin spent five hours in the showroom and left with nothing but a bag of tea lights and a hot dog. The 31-year-old reportedly got lost in the warehouse section twice. And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' And we are back underway! Kylian Mbappé jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

It's there! Sevilla Olé-Olé hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Mike Tyson falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Logan Paul arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Ball over the top from Gabriel Iglesias, Matt Vinc had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. The lacrosse player has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. Mike Tyson takes his time and plays it short to Tehoka Nanticoke. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch.

IShowSpeed spreads it to Gabriel Iglesias, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Blistering run from Gabriel Iglesias on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. The film producer gets to the byline and floats one in for Dhane Smith. Crossing is his bread and butter. Dhane Smith puts way too much on his cross, it sails over everyone's head.

The boxer finds Logan Paul with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. The movie actor/actress positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Emergency clearance from Logan Paul, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe.

Free kick crossed in by the lacrosse player into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. Aerial duel won by Cyle Larin, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Header from Cyle Larin, it grazes the bar but goes over! So close to goal, so far from the target. Emergency clearance from the film producer, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Dhane Smith swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Josh Byrne, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. The lacrosse player finds Cyle Larin in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective.

Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script. Kylian Mbappé launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Logan Paul, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Logan Paul sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Cyle Larin tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

It's over and Sevilla Olé-Olé take the points. Matt Vinc shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Mike Tyson walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-3 (L)

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Powerful run from Cyle Larin, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch. OOOH GOAL from Cyle Larin! On the assist from Tehoka Nanticoke, he curls it along the deck and the ball sneaks into the corner!

Beautiful distribution from Mike Tyson to Tehoka Nanticoke, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Header lost for Tehoka Nanticoke, his opponent beat him to it and won the duel with authority. The lacrosse player rises and plants his header on the cross from Kylian Mbappé! In that position, that heading game is what justifies your presence in the box. GOAL!

Mike Tyson and Tehoka Nanticoke do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Mike Tyson arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Disciplined defense, each player closes down his side. Mike Tyson grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. Monster clearance from Mike Tyson, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to IShowSpeed.

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. The youtuber finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Kylian Mbappé clean through. Pure genius from that position. Powerful effort from Kylian Mbappé, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper stretches and tips it over the bar. The corner from Kylian Mbappé is headed away by a tall defender, nothing doing there.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Turnover from Logan Paul, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. Josh Byrne steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Long ball from Josh Byrne to IShowSpeed, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Logan Paul's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Logan Paul takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. Dhane Smith once tried to negotiate a personal sponsorship deal with a local car wash and was politely told the 34-year-old didn't have 'the right brand synergy.' The car wash later went bust — karma, some say. And now, our TV game show The Price Is Outrageous! To win a Freddo at its current price, text 0800FREDDO and answer: 'In what year did a Freddo cost ten pence and all was right with the world?' Right then, part two. Kylian Mbappé adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

GOAAAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Mike Tyson stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Josh Byrne follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Mike Tyson plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

The corner from the lacrosse player is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. Diagonal from Cyle Larin to Matt Vinc, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

With one swing of the boot, Josh Byrne finds Logan Paul on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. The movie actor/actress slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Logan Paul rolls it to Matt Vinc, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

What a mess! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Mike Tyson unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Cyle Larin makes a heart sign with his hands. Mike Tyson finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Cyle Larin triggers a change of flanks for Gabriel Iglesias, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Gabriel Iglesias scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment. Tehoka Nanticoke boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Tehoka Nanticoke sends an aerial beauty to Kylian Mbappé, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

It's in! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Lovely corner from the lacrosse player but the header ends up wide. In that position, when you put the ball in the right area and it does not go in, the finishers need to look at themselves. Gabriel Iglesias boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. The lacrosse player is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. The lacrosse player hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

The lacrosse player puts in a pinpoint corner but nobody hits the target. In that position, it is maddening to see your deliveries go to waste like that. Clearance from the boxer towards Cyle Larin, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Royal interception from Cyle Larin! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Cyle Larin rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Tehoka Nanticoke. The far side is completely deserted. Tehoka Nanticoke weights his pass into the space for Matt Vinc who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection.

A loss that will linger. Cyle Larin drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Gabriel Iglesias texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. Little Gemma from Kettering says it was 2002 and she wants those days back. One Freddo at current market rates for Gemma! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

Free kick from Matt Vinc looped in, the ball is dropped onto Tehoka Nanticoke at the penalty spot. OG for Tehoka Nanticoke! Oh no no no no, what a DISASTER! The shot from Kylian Mbappé was harmless, but Tehoka Nanticoke deflects it into his own goal. The kind of thing that HAUNTS you for WEEKS.

Clearance from IShowSpeed under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Duel lost by IShowSpeed, he was jostled in the air and could not get a touch on the ball. Cross from Josh Byrne, header from Jake Paul and... it is over! He should have done better there. The film producer boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Logan Paul looks up and launches a long pass towards IShowSpeed. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Superb leap from IShowSpeed who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below. Good ball from the rapper to Gabriel Iglesias, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point? Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. The film producer intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen.

Oh that's poor! London Three-Pints score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Matt Vinc rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Dhane Smith glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Kylian Mbappé's car broke down on the M25 twenty minutes before a cup final, and the 28-year-old hitchhiked with a plumber called Keith from Watford. Both made it in time — Keith got a free programme. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Jake Paul trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Textbook tackle from Jake Paul there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Emergency clearance from the youtuber, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. The opponent gets the better of the movie actor/actress in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak. Oh no Gabriel Iglesias! Header in the six-yard box but it goes over! The cross from Cyle Larin deserved better.

Tehoka Nanticoke dives in but the attacker saw it coming a mile off and nutmegs him for good measure. Humiliating. Mike Tyson pulls off an IMPOSSIBLE fingertip save! The strike was heading top corner but he did everything to flick it out. Corner from Gabriel Iglesias, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post.

Crucial intervention from the film producer, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. The film producer shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Cyle Larin. Pure quality, as per usual. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post.

Interception from Gabriel Iglesias right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Ball in behind from the film producer, Tehoka Nanticoke is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Tehoka Nanticoke charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Tehoka Nanticoke floats a cross in from the wing for Jake Paul, the ball hangs in the box! Mike Tyson gathers the cross with both hands above the scrum. The keeper is the supreme authority in his box.

The free kick from Tehoka Nanticoke is played to the side for Jake Paul, intelligent stuff. Jake Paul curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close! They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Strike from Kylian Mbappé into deep space. You have to wonder if he was aiming at the right goal.

Gabriel Iglesias with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. The film producer cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Matt Vinc. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. The lacrosse player strays just offside on Jake Paul's pass, the linesman raises his flag. Brutal.

Level at the final whistle. Mike Tyson and Jake Paul walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.