My dream NFL team — american_football_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Kansas City Burnt-Ends

12-18 (L)

The student showed up in the backfield before the running back did. In his line of work they call that beating the traffic. Sack number, oh, does it even matter now? Casper the Friendly Ghost gets there AGAIN, and their right tackle is still looking for his helmet. Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. Kansas City Burnt-Ends is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

The basketball player backed somebody into a small space and would not let him out of it. Depending on the day of the week, that is either a safety or a very long conversation at work.

LeBron James sets the ball down on the pylon, backs up ten yards, and lines it up like a putt. He reads the break. He actually reads the break. Thanos tends the imaginary flag while the referee walks over with a flag of a very different kind.

A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Kansas City Burnt-Ends stretches the lead.

That is eleven completions in a row for Dwayne Johnson, and you can feel this building starting to believe in the drive. This is where Lamar Jackson earns the contract -- catch it flat-footed in the flat, then turn into a running back for the next twenty yards. Lamar Jackson is still on his knees pointing at the bottom of the pile, but the officials are already signaling the other direction. This one is over.

Perfect technique from Zeus -- he plays the ball, not the man, and there is not a flag anywhere on this field. Four-man rush, nobody blitzed. Dwayne Johnson wins a one-on-one in under two and a half seconds, and that is how you wreck a game plan. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Kansas City Burnt-Ends, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

The teams disappear inside. Bijan Robinson taps the sign above the tunnel door on the way through. Backstage note: they rehearsed this show eleven times on a practice field two states away. And now, our halftime TV game show American Porch Pickers! To win a porch swing, three lawn flamingos, and whatever is behind the shed, text BLITZ to 555-2394 and answer this question: 'How many footballs are on roofs in the United States at this exact moment?' Second half. The tunnel is empty, the field is full.

HE BURIED HIM! Bijan Robinson drove him fifteen yards downfield and finished him flat on his back inside the numbers, and Henry Ruggs III is STILL running! Henry Ruggs III slid that ball through traffic like it had been greased, and the safety shows up a half tick after the party. Quick out, Thanos catches it at his own forty-five, breaks the arm tackle and outruns the angle. Fifty-five yard touchdown on a throw that traveled four. Bijan Robinson jogs on, kicks it through, jogs off. If you blinked you missed the whole thing, and that is exactly the idea.

Six men form a rowing crew in the end zone, Thanos at the stroke seat, and they pull hard in perfect rhythm across the goal line. Doctor Strange is the coxswain and he is screaming a cadence nobody can hear. It is the most coordinated thing this offense has done all season.

The pulling guard never found him. Wolverine shot the crease, met the ball carrier in the hole, and drove him back into his own backfield. We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Kansas City Burnt-Ends, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

Fifty-one yards of airtime, delivered by Dwayne Johnson over the outside shoulder of Thanos, and the defensive game plan is now firewood. Thanos hurdles the defender at the thirty-one and gains eight more. First down. Thirty-two yards is the player version of a task he could finish half asleep with one tool missing. Dead center.

The ball goes into the stands on a rope, twenty rows deep, and the scrum for it delays the extra point. Thanos watches two grown men in the same jersey wrestle over it. A kid ends up with it somehow. Thanos points at the kid, and the kid points back, and that is the shot that runs all week.

NO SIR! Spider-Man gets a hand in at the last possible instant and that football hits the turf! Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. Kansas City Burnt-Ends takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

Completion down the right sideline from Dwayne Johnson, twenty-two yards, and the defender never turned his head around. Second and eight, inside zone, Thanos cuts back to the weak side for fifteen. Big play. The player handles valuable things every single day of the week and picks the loudest hour of his entire life to put one on the floor.

You do not usually hire a superhero for demolition, but that run play was condemned on contact four yards deep. Right down the middle from thirty-four. Kansas City Burnt-Ends caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

Ball on the 20, clock under two, and Dwayne Johnson jogs out there like this whole afternoon was scripted for him. Eighty yards. One drive. Here we go. The edge is GONE and Dwayne Johnson is through it! That is a defensive front getting moved off the ball on national television!

Spider-Man steps right on the midfield logo on the way out. Lamar Jackson walks all the way around it. And here is the answer to our game show American Porch Pickers! Ottis Beaumont Sparks of Crooked Chimney, Indiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many footballs are on roofs in the United States at this exact moment?' The answer was of course two point one million, and not one of them is coming down. Ottis therefore wins a porch swing, three lawn flamingos, and whatever is behind the shed! The guy running the video board and I have never spoken, but tonight we made eye contact and nodded. That is a friendship. Thanks for spending the evening with us. Coming up: 'Undercover Boss: The Guy Who Refills the Printer.'

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Champagne-Corks

43-27 (W)

He never stops working -- LeBron James has his arm around the pocket before his shoulder pad even lands. That is a hunter's instinct. There are never any cameras on the part of the day where a basketball player lifts something heavy. Tonight there were about forty of them, and he lifted it anyway. Hold is upright, the spot never moves an inch, and LeBron James hits it flush. Nothing about that operation was rushed.

Two high pre-snap that rolled to one high after the motion. Dwayne Johnson read it, held the free safety with his eyes and threw it to grass. Lamar Jackson did the rest of the work. Somewhere in a booth three people are arguing over one frame of a basketball player doing exactly what he does all week. He is only waiting to hear whether it counted. The replay runs four times on the big board, and four times this crowd gets a little louder for LeBron James. The 33-yard extra point stopped being free a long time ago, but Wolverine still treats it like it is. Right down the pipe.

Up onto the padded barrier in front of the first row, both feet off the turf, and LeBron James vanishes into a crush of jerseys and spilled beer. Two fans have him by the shoulder pads and are not letting go. He drops back onto the grass with somebody's foam finger and no idea whose it is. The Miami Champagne-Corks sideline watches this with the expression of men attending a funeral.

Fourth and 4, they go to their number one, and Henry Ruggs III says absolutely not. Ball on the ground, ball back to us. Casper the Friendly Ghost folded that pocket like a lawn chair, and the opposing quarterback never saw the ceiling coming down. That is the third field goal of the day for Miami Champagne-Corks. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

The player read that concept the way he reads the first ten minutes of a Monday: he knows what is coming and he gets there early. Terrific decision by Thanos, ball right into the frame of Doctor Strange, and one hard step later he is standing in front of his own bench. This was a numbers game and the offense won it before the snap: an extra hat at the point of attack and Doctor Strange untouched from eleven yards out. Through the uprights! Doctor Strange adds the point after and the lead grows by one.

He is UNBLOCKABLE right now! Thanos is in the backfield again and their offensive coordinator just slammed the call sheet down! The hands tell the whole story -- Thanos chops, rips underneath the outside shoulder, and the pocket collapses from the top down. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Miami Champagne-Corks adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Halftime. The equipment staff swaps LeBron James into a dry pair of cleats. True story: LeBron James once ran a full lap of the field at halftime, purely because sitting still was not an option. And now, our halftime TV game show The Eleven Dollar Pyramid! To win a concourse map of a stadium that was demolished years ago, text BLITZ to 555-0256 and answer this question: 'How many steps are on the ramp that leads to the concourse restrooms?' Out of the tunnel at a dead sprint. Somebody in there got the point across.

Doctor Strange stacked the defender at the top of the stem, and once Dwayne Johnson let it go the only option left was an arm bar. Spot foul, thirty-five yards. The ugly part of the work is the part the neurosurgeon happens to be best at, and there is nothing in this sport uglier than three yards at the goal line. Short yardage is manual labor and nothing else, and this is a neurosurgeon who has done harder work than that for considerably less money. Zeus taps the point after through and this one is academic. Seven on the board.

Doctor Strange reaches the sideline, lifts the lid off the orange barrel, and empties the whole thing over the offensive coordinator with most of the game still left to play. Ice goes everywhere. The coordinator does not move, does not blink, and keeps signaling in the extra point personnel as though nothing has occurred. Wolverine hands him back his soaked call sheet and he takes it without looking up.

They came back to the inside zone that worked in the first quarter. Casper the Friendly Ghost adjusted the fit, took the cutback lane away, and it died on contact. Sack, strip, recovery. Zeus does all three inside of two seconds, and this drive is dead on arrival. PATIENCE from Zeus, one beat longer, then the release, and Henry Ruggs III is running behind a wall of humanity all the way out to the 50!

A stop was one snap away, and now Bijan Robinson has handed the other sideline field position it did nothing to earn. Screen pass, one missed tackle at the thirty, and Miami Champagne-Corks is gone. That is a fundamentals problem, and the fundamentals are ours to fix.

Doctor Strange runs that exchange like clockwork and the perimeter belongs to them. Little plays like this stretch a defense sideways all afternoon. Somebody asked a player to move out of the way this afternoon and got a very firm, very public answer. TOUCHDOWN! Dwayne Johnson puts it on a rope and Thanos squeezes it in with a defender draped all over his back! The loneliest job in football is the one where making it earns you nothing, and Wolverine just made it again.

And the flag gets picked up. Miami Champagne-Corks keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

Two-minute drill, no timeouts left, and that sideline grab by Thanos keeps the clock stopped and this offense alive at the thirty-four. You can teach footwork and you can teach pad level, but you cannot teach a player who runs like the goal line owes him money. The coach called for two, and the player answered it the way he answers a rush order at work: head down, no questions, into the end zone.

Thanos mimes a cigar length of a forearm and Spider-Man arrives to cup both hands around an invisible match. The lighting takes a while -- there is wind in the end zone, apparently. Thanos takes one enormous pull, tips his head back, and blows a plume of nothing straight up at the lights. The Miami Champagne-Corks bench watches all of it and does not enjoy a second of it.

The player clocked in, walked straight through the left tackle, and clocked the opposing quarterback out. Ten yards of paid overtime. Grabbing on late and hoping for mercy -- the player has talked his way out of worse, but never out of a spot foul. Second time in three drives. Miami Champagne-Corks punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

The exchange from Lamar Jackson to Doctor Strange happens at full speed with nobody breaking stride. That is timing you cannot install in a walkthrough. Nobody puts the carries of a neurosurgeon on a highlight reel and nobody needs to. He ran ninety seconds off that clock, and ninety seconds was the whole job. The neurosurgeon lets the whole room stampede for the exit, waits one beat, and strolls out through the space they left behind.

Wolverine takes the microphone from the field reporter and thanks his high school coach by name. Twice. And here is the answer to our game The Eleven Dollar Pyramid! Kimo Pflugerville of Lava Rock Landing, Hawaii, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many steps are on the ramp that leads to the concourse restrooms?' The answer was of course thirty-one going up and thirty-four coming back down. Kimo takes home a concourse map of a stadium that was demolished years ago! During the halftime show I tried to name every instrument in the marching band. I got to nine and quit. We appreciate the evening. Coming up: 'Face Off: Two Coworkers and One Thermostat.'

Matchday 3 — vs Cleveland Blank-Helmets

37-29 (W)

It is up, and it is through. Three more for Cleveland Blank-Helmets, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

Four full seconds and not one hand near the quarterback facemask. Casper the Friendly Ghost anchored against the bull rush and never surrendered an inch of ground. THERE IT IS! Casper the Friendly Ghost sticks that foot in the ground on the far hash and there is nothing but green all the way to the safety! The student shows up, does the whole job in eleven seconds, and gets back on the bus. Three points, no overtime.

Casper the Friendly Ghost spikes it, Dwayne Johnson spikes it, and then every man in the end zone spikes something -- a towel, a glove, a mouthpiece, an entirely imaginary object. It is a spiking epidemic. Turf pellets are hanging in the air like smoke. Three officials stand at the edge of it and simply wait for the weather to pass.

He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Spider-Man recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. Splits the uprights. Cleveland Blank-Helmets settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

You can see it in the pad level. Zeus and the men beside him are coming off the ball lower than that front four, and this fight was decided in the second quarter. Dwayne Johnson gives him a chance and that is the whole requirement. Two men go up, Zeus comes down with it. From 51, on the road, into the open end of this stadium. Zeus makes it. Three points.

Zeus sets the ball down on the pylon, backs up ten yards, and lines it up like a putt. He reads the break. He actually reads the break. Henry Ruggs III tends the imaginary flag while the referee walks over with a flag of a very different kind.

TIMEOUT, TIMEOUT! Dwayne Johnson gets both arms up with one second on the play clock and this sideline just aged a decade! There is the CREASE! Dwayne Johnson bounces off the seal and gets all the way to the numbers before the safety can close! The punt team already had one foot on the field. Dwayne Johnson sends them back to the bench with three points instead.

Dwayne Johnson tucks the ball under his jersey, cradles the bump, and rocks it gently while walking the length of the end zone. Doctor Strange follows with a hand on his back like a very concerned husband. The Cleveland Blank-Helmets sideline is not amused. The referee already has the flag out of his belt.

Locker room doors close. Whatever Wolverine is saying in there, it is not being said quietly. The band just spelled out the sponsor name in perfect kerning. Somebody drilled that for a month. And now, our halftime TV game show Whose Line Judge Is It Anyway! To win a whistle with a pea in it that has stopped believing, text BLITZ to 555-0114 and answer this question: 'Who officiates the officials at a family cookout?' Third quarter. Fresh downs, fresh script, same scoreboard.

Five yards straight up the gut, and the basketball player celebrates it about as much as he celebrates moving something heavy from one room to another. Delegation of the highest order: the basketball player let somebody else carry the heavy thing and will absolutely mention it at the next staff meeting. Henry Ruggs III stares down at his cleats like they betrayed him personally, and tonight they did.

Henry Ruggs III hit that pile like a dropped anchor, and the entire run game stopped moving right there. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Cleveland Blank-Helmets adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Their front four ran themselves eight yards past the football, and by the time the safety got downhill, Henry Ruggs III had already turned this into a chunk play. Henry Ruggs III kick-slides, absorbs the speed rush, and the quarterback never feels a thing behind his back. Clean snap, laces away, and Henry Ruggs III does exactly what he has done all season from that range. The hold was perfect and he rewarded it.

Henry Ruggs III mimes lifting an enormous, impossibly heavy trophy off the turf -- knees bent, back straight, veins popping. It takes him four seconds to get it overhead. Doctor Strange spots him like a training partner. They parade it around the end zone and hand it, ceremonially, to the referee, who does not accept it.

Second and 14. LeBron James with the tackle for loss, and that play call goes straight in the garbage. Nobody on that offensive line got the memo they had a basketball player booked for the afternoon. Two seconds of work, one flattened pocket. A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Cleveland Blank-Helmets stretches the lead.

Spider-Man pulled, found the only defender who actually mattered, and put him on skates. LeBron James handled the easy part after that. Fifty-plus is not a kick, it is a demolition order, and the basketball player swings at it like the wrecking ball was his idea.

Fingertips like that do not come from football practice. The player does precision work all week and it showed up at the catch point. The player clocked in, walked straight through the left tackle, and clocked the opposing quarterback out. Ten yards of paid overtime. Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. Cleveland Blank-Helmets takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

The superhero has never once figured out how to stop working at four o'clock, and that defensive front has spent the whole second half learning about it. Spider-Man times the jump perfectly, high points the football, and holds on through the contact. That is a fifty-fifty ball that was never fifty-fifty. Deep speed is deep speed. Nobody pays a superhero one extra dollar for it, and it just went fifty-three yards for six points. The neurosurgeon got that job 97 percent done, which anywhere else on earth counts as finished and out here is worth precisely nothing.

Alone in space with the ball carrier, and the basketball player does not miss. Whatever he does for a living clearly does not tolerate missing. Reading a defense is hard. Reading a quarterback is harder. A basketball player did both on his day off and turned it into a touchdown. Spider-Man works so fast that the crowd is still chanting about the touchdown when the football is already through.

The neurosurgeon finishes the run, points at his own facemask and files the complaint in person. Complaint upheld, fifteen yards. The whole front seven took that bait like it was free food in the break room, and Doctor Strange charged them for it. Thanos used that back pylon like a fence post -- plant, turn, and the football arrived like it had an appointment. The superhero has made that same small motion ten thousand times. Number ten thousand and one sails right of the upright.

Two sidelines at midfield, punches out on the edges, and Lamar Jackson identified by the officials. That costs yardage and it costs personnel. The chains kept moving and nothing we tried slowed it down. Fourteen plays, seven minutes off the clock, and Cleveland Blank-Helmets finishes the drive with six.

POUNDED it in there! LeBron James through the B-gap with the pads low, and the chains are moving again. LeBron James treats a 31-yarder the way you treat a light switch. Flip it, walk off, three points.

The whole squad drops into a huddle in the end zone, heads down, hands in, and holds it silently while the crowd waits. Then they break upward all at once with a roar and the ball goes straight up in the air. LeBron James is in the middle of it with his helmet off. Somebody's mouthguard lands twenty yards away and nobody goes and gets it.

Run the tape back on the substitution: Bijan Robinson steps in, the call changes, and nobody waves him back. That is the whole penalty in one clip. Cleveland Blank-Helmets goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

Motion, snap, handoff -- Lamar Jackson is basically a turnstile on this play, and it only works because the defense has to honor everything else he does. Hand it to Doctor Strange, let him take what is there, huddle slow, snap it at two. Repeat until the horn. That is the entire playbook at the moment. Zone flows right, Doctor Strange plants and cuts BACK against the grain, and the whole defense is running the wrong way!

Casper the Friendly Ghost tries to give Doctor Strange a piggyback ride. Both men clear three hundred pounds. Physics gets a vote. And here is the answer to our game Whose Line Judge Is It Anyway! Ardith Muckle of Halibut Elbow, Alaska, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Who officiates the officials at a family cookout?' The answer was of course an aunt, and her ruling is final and cannot be reviewed. Ardith takes home a whistle with a pea in it that has stopped believing! Tonight I stood for the entire second half. Not for the drama. My chair collapsed. See you at the next one. And now, 'Say Yes to the Dress: Finding Pants That Still Fit.' Tears expected.

Matchday 4 — vs New Orleans Bag-Heads

16-13 (W)

HE GOT A PIECE OF IT! Thanos arrives with the football, and their receiver is still asking for a flag that is never coming! Splits the uprights. New Orleans Bag-Heads settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

Dwayne Johnson put that football on the white paint, which is the football version of hanging up before a meeting runs long. Everything on this drive now rides on one frame of tape. Lamar Jackson is on the sideline, helmet off, eyes locked on the big board. Overturned. The football moves the instant it hits the turf, and Lamar Jackson never survives the ground. Incomplete.

Henry Ruggs III waits, waits, and then goes. Patience on a draw is the difference between two yards and twenty, and he had all of it. They went to the inside counter that time. Henry Ruggs III was already sitting on it. Whatever the plan was, it is in the trash now. The drive dies at the 12, but Henry Ruggs III makes sure it was not a wasted trip down the field.

The whole defensive unit has run the length of the field for this and arrives in two facing lines, arms raised into a tunnel. Henry Ruggs III has to walk all of it, shaking every single hand, like a man leaving his own wedding. It takes eleven seconds. The play clock is running and the officials are shouting and every one of those handshakes is worth it.

Short yardage is manual labor and nothing else, and this is a basketball player who has done harder work than that for considerably less money. The basketball player stands there while a room full of officials studies his work in slow motion. Everybody gets a performance review; his is running on the videoboard. This entire building celebrated for ninety seconds and is now studying a still frame of one left cleat belonging to LeBron James.

Dwayne Johnson sold that cadence like a street magician, and the entire defensive front bought a ticket. Dwayne Johnson overthrows it deep down the left hash. Second and 10.

End of the half. Henry Ruggs III peels the gloves off and flexes both hands slowly. The dance team is out in a formation that spells something. From this camera angle it spells nothing. And now, our halftime TV game show The Mildly Risky Catch! To win a tackle box containing tackle and also a sandwich, text BLITZ to 555-2497 and answer this question: 'Which is harder, catching a pass in traffic or catching a toddler in a parking lot?' Third quarter. Fresh downs, fresh script, same scoreboard.

Second and 7, Dwayne Johnson catches the snap in the gun and fires the quick game out to Thanos for a gain of six. Chains keep crawling. Off tackle to the right, Thanos for eight. First down at the forty-one. Thanos strikes it, both arms go straight up behind the goalposts, and this crowd gets the three points it came down here for.

Thanos points at the scoreboard and then stands there, waiting for his own name to come up on it. The operator is half a minute behind and the board is still showing a third down that no longer exists. Seventy thousand people end up staring at a blank scoreboard alongside him, and when the letters finally land the noise is bigger than it was for the touchdown. Bijan Robinson has been beside him the entire time, pointing at nothing at all.

Man coverage with no help inside -- Dwayne Johnson saw that leverage from the huddle and cashed the free eight yards. You want to know why this offense looks unbothered tonight? Watch Thanos on every single snap. Nobody is getting home. Every player has had a job blow up in his face at the worst possible second. Usually there is not a full stadium watching the hand get in the way.

OH MY GOODNESS, THE THUMP! Bijan Robinson arrives in the open field and you heard that one from the upper deck! Freeze it at the stem -- Bijan Robinson does not bite on the double move, keeps his eyes on the hip, and turns to run before the receiver does. Zero blitz. No safety help, no margin for error, and Bijan Robinson comes clean off the slot to blow the entire thing up.

The student shut that gap the way he shuts up shop at the end of a shift: everything locked, nobody getting in. Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. New Orleans Bag-Heads takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

The signal came down from the box far too late. Dwayne Johnson could not match the personnel to the look, and there is no shame at all in saving the yardage. Second and six, Dwayne Johnson off the right hip of the tackle, gain of seven. First down, and the chains are on the move again. FIFTY-FOUR YARDS AND HE HAS THE LEG! Dwayne Johnson drills it and this place comes UNGLUED!

Three receivers set the pylons in a triangle and Dwayne Johnson bowls the football straight through them. Strike. All three go down. Zeus does the scoreboard signal with both hands while an official jogs in reaching for his flag and the whole bench falls over laughing.

Fifty-plus yards on one snap. The player covered more ground in six seconds than he does in an entire shift, and he is not even breathing hard. Casper the Friendly Ghost stands with his hands on his hips at the 30, waiting on a man in a striped shirt and a television screen to decide his afternoon. THE CALL ON THE FIELD IS CONFIRMED! Casper the Friendly Ghost broke the plane, the knee never touched, and that is SIX! Henry Ruggs III converts. Seven points on the drive.

BOOM! LeBron James comes off the edge untouched and puts the opposing quarterback in the dirt for a loss of nine! Fifteen honest minutes of coverage undone by one snap. The basketball player knows all about work that only gets noticed the day it goes wrong. Field position, then penalties, then the score. New Orleans Bag-Heads has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

Zeus grabs the sideline camera and films his own face for a full minute. Dwayne Johnson photobombs eleven times. And here is the answer to our game show The Mildly Risky Catch! Lonzo Wiggins Pyle of Salt Kettle Cove, Maryland, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is harder, catching a pass in traffic or catching a toddler in a parking lot?' The answer was of course the toddler, and it is not remotely close. Lonzo therefore wins a tackle box containing tackle and also a sandwich! My headset picked up the coaches' channel for about eleven seconds in the third quarter. I am taking that to my grave. See you next time. Rolling right into 'Air Crash Investigation: My Attempt at a Paper Airplane.'

Matchday 5 — vs Minnesota Silver-Horns

29-23 (W)

Splits the uprights. Minnesota Silver-Horns settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

Hands inside, hips under, drive through. Wolverine wins the leverage battle at the snap and that defensive tackle is now a spectator on the turf. Jet sweep to the right, LeBron James on the handoff, gain of nine to the thirty-two. GET THE TAPE MEASURE OUT! Doctor Strange from 56 and there was never a question after the first bounce of the crowd noise.

Both linemen arrive first, which never happens, and they get to the end zone before the man who scored. Doctor Strange has to wait for three hundred pounds of guard to finish a shoulder shimmy that would embarrass a wedding reception. The crowd loses it. The center attempts a split and is helped up by two teammates and a trainer.

Two-gap discipline from Wolverine: he holds his ground, sheds the double team late, and makes the tackle right on the football. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Minnesota Silver-Horns, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

Lamar Jackson sells the mesh and lets it go flat, and the entire defensive front is running the wrong direction. The sneak, the tush push, whatever you want to call it -- Doctor Strange has converted it so often that the defense looks resigned before the snap. Fourth and goal, football on the one. Doctor Strange gets it on the dive, climbs the back of his own center, and the officials put both arms straight up. Ask any basketball player about the one small thing he got wrong in front of everybody. He still hears about it. This one loops until Thursday.

Doctor Strange pounds the ball twice against his chest plate and the sound of it carries. The bench picks it up on the third beat, then the lower bowl, then the whole building -- seventy thousand people stamping the same two hits over and over. Doctor Strange stands under the goalpost with his arms down and lets a stadium keep time for him. The Minnesota Silver-Horns sideline burns a timeout it cannot afford, purely to make it stop.

Break down, wrap up, drive through. The superhero handled that like a job site with one exit -- nobody was slipping past him. The superhero did not just finish the job, he took the football home with him. In most trades they call that a bonus. Eighteen inches of daylight is nothing new to a superhero. He squeezes into tighter spots than that before his first coffee.

Halftime. LeBron James has a headset on, listening to the booth break down the third-down calls. The headliner is singing to a backing track. Everyone knows. Nobody minds. That is the arrangement. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Tailgate Meat! To win a smoker grill welded out of a county filing cabinet, text BLITZ to 555-0162 and answer this question: 'What meat is in the mystery casserole on tailgate table three?' Second half! The stadium is on its feet and the coverage unit is bouncing.

A superhero lives and dies by timing, and he was a tenth of a second early on that one. Pass knocked down, drive stalled. Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. Minnesota Silver-Horns takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

Penetration on the strong side by Casper the Friendly Ghost, the pulling guard grabs nothing but air, and the whole run concept dies on the hash marks. That was not a theft so much as a delivery to the wrong address, and Casper the Friendly Ghost signed for it and never stopped running. Lamar Jackson works so fast that the crowd is still chanting about the touchdown when the football is already through.

Two linemen plant themselves on the goal line with their arms straight up as uprights, and Zeus snaps the ball back through his legs. Casper the Friendly Ghost kicks it clean between them and holds the follow-through, one leg up, chin high. The actual kicker is twenty yards away with his actual holder, waiting to do this for real. Both officials signal the imaginary kick good before they can stop themselves.

Incomplete. Wolverine breaks it up on third down, and the punt unit starts to jog on. Twelve men on the field, and the basketball player was the spare one. Nobody on that sideline thought to tell him he was surplus. Play action freezes our linebackers, the tight end slips out behind them, and Minnesota Silver-Horns scores with nobody in the picture. That is a bust, plain and simple.

Second and 3 from the 40, Spider-Man pulls, the hole opens between the tackles, and the offense picks up the first down before anybody on defense lays a finger on the ball carrier. The basketball player takes the long way around the entire building and still gets there first. Nobody has ever accused him of choosing the direct route. This is what happens when you play that soft on third and three. Dwayne Johnson takes the free completion, LeBron James makes the first man miss, and the alley is empty. Hold is upright, the spot never moves an inch, and Henry Ruggs III hits it flush. Nothing about that operation was rushed.

LeBron James takes a knee, bows his head for a beat, then rises and points both hands to a single section in the upper deck. Somebody up there is holding a sign with his mother's name on it. The broadcast finds her in eleven seconds. She is destroyed and so is half the country watching.

Dwayne Johnson pops right back up and taps his own chest. He is telling that huddle the sack was on him, and not many quarterbacks do that. The student has been kicking all afternoon and then drops a strike on fourth down. Hidden talents, revealed at the worst possible moment for the other sideline. Big body, soft hands, zero complaints. Every crew has a player exactly like that, and every crew would fall apart without him. Off the iron! LeBron James rings the upright, the football caroms back toward the hash, and the whistle kills it right there. No good.

Interference on Bijan Robinson. Automatic first down, the drive stays alive, and this defense has to line up all over again. Ohhh, that one hurts. Minnesota Silver-Horns runs the same counter they have run all afternoon, the backside end crashes again, and it is a touchdown.

Second and 8, heavy personnel, LeBron James for three. The play clock is the real weapon in this offense right now. There is a counter he is supposed to be standing behind right this minute, and instead the basketball player is running a track meet down the visiting sideline.

Spider-Man sits down at midfield and refuses to leave. Zeus drops down beside him. Then the whole line sits down. And here is the answer to our game Name That Tailgate Meat! Sharla Ottinger of Lug Nut, Michigan, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What meat is in the mystery casserole on tailgate table three?' The answer was of course nobody knows, and the man who brought it has quietly left the state. Sharla takes home a smoker grill welded out of a county filing cabinet! The press box elevator has been broken since August. Nine flights, every week, all season. My calves say hello. Thanks for watching with us. Coming up: 'Cake Boss: A Birthday Cake for Someone Whose Name Nobody Can Spell.'

Matchday 6 — vs Denver Orange-Barrels

43-28 (W)

This place is SHAKING! LeBron James has been living in that backfield all night and every soul in here knows it! There is nowhere left to go when the wall is already at your back, and LeBron James just took away the last two yards they had.

The offense lines up as a marching band across the goal line -- air trombones, air tuba, LeBron James out front as drum major with the football as a baton. They high-step ten yards in something like time. It is genuinely terrible. It is also the best thing anyone in this stadium has ever seen.

This one is on the headsets, not the player. Zeus was sent out for a package that got waved off two seconds too late. Six for Denver Orange-Barrels. Nobody carried the crosser, and that was a walk-in from twelve yards out.

There must be a training manual for being a superhero, and page one apparently says jump the out route right at the sticks. Yards after catch are the most valuable yards in this sport, and Wolverine is collecting them by the fistful tonight. The superhero shows up, does the whole job in eleven seconds, and gets back on the bus. Three points, no overtime.

Wolverine gets the ball to the mascot, who spikes it far better than any professional athlete has ever spiked a football. Wolverine stands back and applauds honestly. Spider-Man lifts the mascot onto his shoulders. This is now a mascot's game and everybody accepts it.

Grabbing on late and hoping for mercy -- the superhero has talked his way out of worse, but never out of a spot foul. Back shoulder fade at the pylon, and Denver Orange-Barrels comes down with it over a defender who had inside leverage and nothing behind him. Perfectly placed, and this one is on us.

Smart, disciplined football from Dwayne Johnson. He takes the boundary instead of the middle, because the middle of the field bleeds seconds. It is all in the shoulders. Thanos sells the outside with his upper body and goes inside with his feet, and the defender bought every bit of it. Everybody in the building tracks the flight, nobody breathes, and then Thanos hears the roar behind him. Good from 52.

Ten push-ups in the end zone, one for every yard of the run, and Thanos counts them out loud with the front row counting back. Doctor Strange sits on his back for the last four. He finishes them anyway. The crowd noise on rep ten is the loudest thing this building has produced all year.

The trainers get to work fast. Henry Ruggs III is up on the table with that hamstring already. The t-shirt cannons are out and section 118 is behaving like nothing else in this building matters. And now, our halftime TV game show Love Retention Pond! To win a paddleboat with one paddle and a great deal of optimism, text BLITZ to 555-2361 and answer this question: 'Can two people fall in love during a single rain delay?' Second half! The stadium is on its feet and the coverage unit is bouncing.

LeBron James is wrestling a couch up a stairwell out there. Ugly, heavy, and it always ends up where it was going. A basketball player has spent years learning exactly when to hand a problem to the guys with bigger shoulders, and that instinct is worth fourteen yards. OVER THE TOP! Henry Ruggs III goes airborne from the one and comes down with the nose of the football across the plane -- touchdown! Henry Ruggs III taps the point after through and this one is academic. Seven on the board.

Henry Ruggs III hurdles a downed defender on the way in, and once he is over the line he turns around and hurdles Lamar Jackson for good measure. Lamar Jackson was not warned. He was crouching to tie a shoe. This is on every highlight package in the country and it is not even the touchdown that is the story.

Seventy thousand people just made noise about a five-yard run, and that tells you everything -- LeBron James is wearing that defensive front out. Fourth and inches, LeBron James under center, and he SNEAKS it! The pile moves and the sticks are a formality! This is exactly why you fight for the extra half yard. LeBron James keeps his legs churning for one more turn and that is the whole difference. This is a street fight in a phone booth, and LeBron James is winning it a yard at a time.

Loss of four. LeBron James makes the stop, the chains do not move, and their sideline is already talking about field goal range. Five yards for one extra body. The basketball player is used to being the man they call when they need one more pair of hands, and tonight that was the whole problem. Denver Orange-Barrels goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

One tick left on the play clock. Dwayne Johnson calls it, the officials grant it, and the offense finally gets to breathe. Dwayne Johnson follows that block the way a car follows a snowplow. Somebody else clears it, he just keeps his foot down. That is a five-yard cushion on a 55-yarder. Dwayne Johnson did not just make it, he had another division of distance in the tank.

Both linemen arrive first, which never happens, and they get to the end zone before the man who scored. Dwayne Johnson has to wait for three hundred pounds of guard to finish a shoulder shimmy that would embarrass a wedding reception. The crowd loses it. The center attempts a split and is helped up by two teammates and a trainer.

Back-shoulder, and Spider-Man smells it coming. He plants, opens the hips, and knocks it away in the corner of the end zone. Casper the Friendly Ghost was one body too many, and the umpire had him tagged before the football ever moved. Ohhh, that one hurts. Denver Orange-Barrels runs the same counter they have run all afternoon, the backside end crashes again, and it is a touchdown.

That is veteran nerve from Dwayne Johnson. He waited to the last possible tick to see if the defense would tip its hand, and when it did not, he ate the timeout. Look at that defensive line standing straight up out of their stance. That is exhaustion, and Dwayne Johnson is the man who put it there. THAT IS GOOD, AND IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING ELSE! Dwayne Johnson from 29 and that ball never wobbles once.

Full speed, no glance sideways, not a single wasted motion. Whoever taught that neurosurgeon to hand something off like that deserves a plaque. Off tackle it is, the tight end seals the edge, and Thanos is into the second level untouched! He STUCK it in there! Not one inch of daylight anywhere on that line and Thanos finds a way through it anyway! Big touchdown, big celebration, and then the superhero quietly comes on to file the paperwork. Point is good.

Thanos gets the ball to the mascot, who spikes it far better than any professional athlete has ever spiked a football. Thanos stands back and applauds honestly. Casper the Friendly Ghost lifts the mascot onto his shoulders. This is now a mascot's game and everybody accepts it.

Drawing the foul is its own skill: the player leans in, sells it, and lets the officiating crew do the rest of the work for him. First and goal from the three, Thanos into the teeth of it, and he gets a yard and a half. Second and goal. The pile stops moving and Thanos keeps churning his legs for another half yard anyway. That right there is the difference between three points and six. The loneliest job in football is the one where making it earns you nothing, and Bijan Robinson just made it again.

The whole defensive unit has run the length of the field for this and arrives in two facing lines, arms raised into a tunnel. Thanos has to walk all of it, shaking every single hand, like a man leaving his own wedding. It takes eleven seconds. The play clock is running and the officials are shouting and every one of those handshakes is worth it.

Watch the corner hips -- he is in phase, he is doing everything the coaching staff asked, and Dwayne Johnson beats him anyway because the ball goes where coverage cannot live. Nobody is catching him! Dwayne Johnson authored five yards of that play and Lamar Jackson wrote the other forty himself. The sideline is coming apart. The coach keeps the offense out there and it pays -- Dwayne Johnson takes the shotgun snap and hits LeBron James on a slant into the end zone. TWO POINTS!

One thing left to do and exactly one way to ruin it. Dwayne Johnson has both hands wrapped around the football and both knees ready. He does not fumble an ending.

Lamar Jackson and Wolverine dump the Gatorade cooler over the head coach. Bijan Robinson misses completely and soaks a cameraman. And here is the answer to our game show Love Retention Pond! Cindy Lou Ferebee of Turtle Wallow, North Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Can two people fall in love during a single rain delay?' The answer was of course yes, twice, and both times were the same delay. Cindy Lou therefore wins a paddleboat with one paddle and a great deal of optimism! I got a message from my mother that said your voice sounds tired. She is right and I hate that. That's our show. Up next: 'Storage Wars: My Parents' Attic.' Bidding starts at nothing.

Matchday 7 — vs Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard

27-23 (W)

Second and 9. Spider-Man stuffs it for a yard. Their ground game has averaged next to nothing since halftime. Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

Most defenders in that spot at least get a hand on a jersey. LeBron James never let him get close enough to reach for one. Credit the design here: two receivers crack the safeties, Dwayne Johnson throws it on rhythm, and LeBron James catches the ball with a convoy already in front of him. The superhero has never once been thanked for the last step of anything. He puts it through and gets a pat on the helmet from the long snapper.

The linemen have been waiting all year for this. All five of them wall up in the end zone and hit a shoulder-roll wave down the line, big men moving in sequence like a slow tide. LeBron James stands to the side and simply applauds. This is their moment and everybody in the building knows it.

This crowd wanted the bomb. Dwayne Johnson handed them a first down instead, and the first down is the thing that actually wins games. The rush comes free, LeBron James floats it over the top, and here comes the CONVOY in front of Henry Ruggs III! Henry Ruggs III stems inside, snaps it back out, and the ball is ALREADY there. Twelve yards, and he catches it with both feet in the end zone. Two-point attempt: Henry Ruggs III in from the two. It is good.

Whole receiving corps drops into a photo-booth strip: four different poses in four seconds, Henry Ruggs III switching each one, everybody matching. Somebody in the group is a half beat behind on all four and it is, as usual, a lineman who followed them in. The gag ends with all of them face down on the turf and the crowd absolutely gone.

Beautiful key read. Zeus sees the guard pull, runs the mesh point down, and meets the back before the handoff is even clean. Splits the uprights. Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

The basketball player takes the long way around the entire building and still gets there first. Nobody has ever accused him of choosing the direct route. That football went through LeBron James like a screen door. Nine times out of ten he squeezes it, and this was the tenth. Henry Ruggs III punts, no return, ball spotted at the two-yard line.

Off the field. Dwayne Johnson shakes hands with a side judge on the way up the tunnel. Rumor has it Dwayne Johnson memorized the fight song as a rookie and now sings it in the shower. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show Win, Lose, or Kneel! To win a church kneeling pad repurposed for the sideline, text BLITZ to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'What is the sound of a quarterback taking a knee?' Both units in place. The referee signals ready and away we go.

Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Neutral zone infraction on the defense, five yards. Dwayne Johnson never had to snap it. He let it FLY and it is still climbing -- LeBron James launches, Dwayne Johnson runs under it at the five, and that is fifty-eight yards of touchdown! Six feet. A basketball player eyeballs six feet every single day of his life and gets it right. Not this time.

Dwayne Johnson mimes lifting an enormous, impossibly heavy trophy off the turf -- knees bent, back straight, veins popping. It takes him four seconds to get it overhead. Spider-Man spots him like a training partner. They parade it around the end zone and hand it, ceremonially, to the referee, who does not accept it.

The basketball player went into that pile looking for a teammate and came out with an ejection. Great instincts, terrible timing. Play action freezes our linebackers, the tight end slips out behind them, and Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard scores with nobody in the picture. That is a bust, plain and simple.

That is a gorgeous kick-out block, and Henry Ruggs III does the rest -- foot in the ground, north and south, nine yards. The throw from Dwayne Johnson is a foot outside where it needs to be, and Henry Ruggs III turns it into a completion anyway. Second and goal from the seven. Flat and corner combination, Dwayne Johnson takes the corner route, and Henry Ruggs III catches it a yard deep with the pylon on his hip. Touchdown. The coverage sat right on top of that route and Lamar Jackson never got separation on the back line. Incomplete, and the scoreboard shows six.

That is a violent arrival. Henry Ruggs III gets there at the same instant as the football and the receiver hears every bit of it -- they will not be throwing many more his way tonight. Illegal substitution. Thanos is caught halfway to the sideline at the snap, and the flag is out immediately. Six for Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard. Nobody carried the crosser, and that was a walk-in from twelve yards out.

PRESSURE, PRESSURE, Bijan Robinson IS THERE! The opposing quarterback gets rid of it with a defender in his lap! Once a front gets going it feeds itself. Spider-Man is winning his one-on-one early, the ball has to come out hot, and the secondary knows precisely where to sit.

OVER THE MIDDLE AND STILL STANDING! Lamar Jackson takes the safety's best shot at the far hash, and Dwayne Johnson put that throw in the only window that exists! Every carry from Lamar Jackson is one more shovel of dirt in the same hole. Two yards at a time, the football game gets buried. Everything about this run is decided before contact. The fullback kicks out the force defender and Lamar Jackson only has to stay patient for one beat.

Doctor Strange hugs the mascot so long that the mascot taps out. Zeus steps in as relief. And here is the answer to our game Win, Lose, or Kneel! Clyde Pettengill of Quahog Flats, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the sound of a quarterback taking a knee?' The answer was of course forty thousand people putting on their coats at the exact same time. Clyde takes home a church kneeling pad repurposed for the sideline! The window in front of me fogged over in the third quarter. I called the last twelve minutes off a monitor and instinct. Good night. Next up: 'Property Brothers: They Argue the Entire Time and Nothing Gets Built.'

Matchday 8 — vs New England Tuck-Rulers

37-38 (L)

A player lives and dies by timing, and he was a tenth of a second early on that one. Pass knocked down, drive stalled. Third and 8, empty backfield, and LeBron James takes him down before the route concept ever develops. Punt team. Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. New England Tuck-Rulers is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

That one stings. Dwayne Johnson put it on a platter and Lamar Jackson lets it clank off the palms. Third down coming up. Off the foot of Bijan Robinson and that ball is DYING at the two! Pinned. Absolutely pinned in the shadow of their own goal post.

Zeus met that running back in a phone booth, and there was only ever room for one of them. Twelve men on the field, and the superhero was the spare one. Nobody on that sideline thought to tell him he was surplus. Second time in three drives. New England Tuck-Rulers punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

This is the throw that separates arms. Dwayne Johnson has to beat a corner driving downhill from ten yards away, and he beats him with pure velocity. Across the field and UP THE SEAM! Lamar Jackson leads Doctor Strange perfectly and the nearest defender is eight yards behind him! That ball dropped in like a key sliding into a lock, and Doctor Strange was standing in the end zone before this crowd got its hands up. Through the uprights! Dwayne Johnson adds the point after and the lead grows by one.

Doctor Strange doesn't celebrate. He hands the ball to the nearest official, taps him on the shoulder pad, and jogs to the sideline like a man returning a library book. Spider-Man is screaming in his face the entire way and getting nothing back. The silence of it somehow makes the crowd louder.

Whatever a student does all week apparently involves separating people from things they were holding. Sack, strip, ours. Nothing downfield, so Casper the Friendly Ghost takes the safe money and drops it to the back in the flat. Six yards is not a headline, but it is a manageable third down. HE IS IN! LeBron James takes the handoff, finds the crease in the B-gap and finishes it standing straight up! Doctor Strange converts. Seven points on the drive.

Slow, deliberate, ceremonial: LeBron James places the football on the goal line, straightens it twice, then steps back and salutes it. The bench salutes with him. Fourteen men at attention over a football. The referee has to break the formation up personally.

Second quarter over. Thanos walks with the eye black smeared halfway to his ear. The confetti cannons misfired during warmups. They are still picking confetti out of the end zone. And now, our halftime TV game show Tradio, the Swap Shop of the Air! To win a canoe trailer traded for a lawn mower traded for a couch, text BLITZ to 555-2557 and answer this question: 'What is a used tailgate grill worth in a straight trade?' The return unit sets its wall. The kick is on the way.

Nothing in the training of a neurosurgeon covers a hundred men swinging at midfield, and yet there he is in the thick of it, getting thrown out. Six for New England Tuck-Rulers. Nobody carried the crosser, and that was a walk-in from twelve yards out.

Third and seven from the twelve. They empty the backfield, the mike vacates the middle, and Doctor Strange finds the soft spot behind the linebackers for the score. Henry Ruggs III reaches, the ball is short of the plane, and the officials wave it off. Still a six-point drive. Henry Ruggs III is insisting he did nothing, the official is already stepping off the yardage, and that is not a conversation anybody has ever won.

Doctor Strange looks down at his empty hands and starts a frantic search of the end zone -- on his knees, patting the turf, checking under the pylon. The ball is tucked into the back of his own jersey and has been the entire time. Wolverine joins the search with total commitment and finds nothing. When Doctor Strange finally reaches around and produces it, he holds it over his head like a man who has recovered a lost dog.

Back shoulder fade at the pylon, and New England Tuck-Rulers comes down with it over a defender who had inside leverage and nothing behind him. Perfectly placed, and this one is on us.

Back-shoulder, and Thanos smells it coming. He plants, opens the hips, and knocks it away in the corner of the end zone. They have first and ten and no room to operate. Dwayne Johnson sheds the block at the line of scrimmage and wraps up the ball carrier before he can get out. Safety, two points, and we get the football back.

Dunking the football over the crossbar has been illegal for a decade and Dwayne Johnson does it anyway, cleanly, two-handed, hanging for a beat. The flag comes out. The crowd does not care about the flag. Neither, from the look of him, does the head coach, who is very deliberately looking somewhere else.

That is a violent arrival. Henry Ruggs III gets there at the same instant as the football and the receiver hears every bit of it -- they will not be throwing many more his way tonight. IT IS A HEADCOUNT! Somebody on this sideline needs a clicker, because the official counted twice before he threw it at Casper the Friendly Ghost! Play action freezes our linebackers, the tight end slips out behind them, and New England Tuck-Rulers scores with nobody in the picture. That is a bust, plain and simple.

Second and 4, heavy personnel, and Dwayne Johnson throws it over the top for a gain of thirty-one. Five yards through the air, twenty-eight on the ground. Thanos does the hard part after the catch, the way he always does. Single high safety cheating down into the run fit. One receiver, one corner, nobody behind them: Thanos wins by two steps and the rest is a track meet. Casper the Friendly Ghost works so fast that the crowd is still chanting about the touchdown when the football is already through.

SECOND EFFORT from Henry Ruggs III! He is stopped, he is not down, and he churns three more feet before the whistle! There is no elegance in that play and there is not supposed to be. Eleven bodies pushing in one direction, and Henry Ruggs III carries the football to the right side of a white line. The analytics chart said go for two. LeBron James just made that chart look like a genius.

Henry Ruggs III takes a knee, bows his head for a beat, then rises and points both hands to a single section in the upper deck. Somebody up there is holding a sign with his mother's name on it. The broadcast finds her in eleven seconds. She is destroyed and so is half the country watching.

Thanos jogs backwards asking the official what exactly he was supposed to do out there. The referee already has the microphone down. The chains kept moving and nothing we tried slowed it down. Fourteen plays, seven minutes off the clock, and New England Tuck-Rulers finishes the drive with six.

They drop into a two-high shell and dare him to take the underneath. Dwayne Johnson will take it, and take it, and take it again, and the chains keep crawling. Dwayne Johnson follows that block the way a car follows a snowplow. Somebody else clears it, he just keeps his foot down. No good. Dwayne Johnson from 48, missed left by a yard. The snap was clean, the hold was clean, the kick was not.

Lamar Jackson takes the podium and answers every question in four words. Henry Ruggs III does not take the podium at all. And here is the answer to our game show Tradio, the Swap Shop of the Air! Rondal Doyle Whitmire of Hog Waller Ferry, Georgia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is a used tailgate grill worth in a straight trade?' The answer was of course one deep freezer, or two if the wheels still turn. Rondal Doyle therefore wins a canoe trailer traded for a lawn mower traded for a couch! Yours truly ate a pretzel roughly the size of a steering wheel and has no comment on the salt content. Good night from the booth. Up next: 'The Bachelorette: Twelve Guys Who All Own the Same Jacket.'

Matchday 9 — vs Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing

44-31 (W)

Gain of nothing. Henry Ruggs III with the stop, and they are staring at third and long all over again. Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

Fourth quarter, 6.1 yards a carry, and Spider-Man has won the leverage battle on rep after rep after rep. Spider-Man keeps his eyes locked on the football and lets his feet do the arithmetic on their own. Dwayne Johnson could not have found a smaller window. Thirty-two yards is the superhero version of a task he could finish half asleep with one tool missing. Dead center.

The kicker is the only man still on the sideline, and he is jumping straight up and down by himself with both fists over his head. Nobody is looking at him. He does not care. Spider-Man spots him from the end zone, sprints forty yards back, and tackles him into the bench, and the broadcast stays on the two of them for a full ten seconds.

The clock is melting and Dwayne Johnson is the calmest man in this stadium. Bounce it OUTSIDE! Dwayne Johnson sees the pursuit overrun the play, hits the sideline and dives at the pylon for the score! Thanos converts. Seven points on the drive.

Third and 8 with 1:12 showing, Dwayne Johnson hits the out route and the receiver steps out at the 41. Clock stopped, timeouts intact. First and ten, sweep to the field side, Thanos picks up twelve before stepping out. Yards and clock, both in their favor. The player spends all week doing the part of the job nobody ever puts on a poster. Six points says they remember his name tonight. Wolverine jogs on, kicks it through, jogs off. If you blinked you missed the whole thing, and that is exactly the idea.

Six men form a rowing crew in the end zone, Thanos at the stroke seat, and they pull hard in perfect rhythm across the goal line. Bijan Robinson is the coxswain and he is screaming a cadence nobody can hear. It is the most coordinated thing this offense has done all season.

He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Spider-Man recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. Count them up, there are TWELVE out there! Doctor Strange never got the signal to come off, and that is five yards! Second time in three drives. Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

Halftime break. An assistant hands Zeus a tablet with every snap of the first half loaded up. The stage lift is stuck at half height and the singer is committing to it anyway. That is professionalism. And now, our halftime TV game show Tradio, the Swap Shop of the Air! To win a canoe trailer traded for a lawn mower traded for a couch, text BLITZ to 555-2557 and answer this question: 'What is a used tailgate grill worth in a straight trade?' Third quarter. Fresh downs, fresh script, same scoreboard.

That is a green-dog by Henry Ruggs III: their back stays in to protect, so he converts to rush and hits the A-gap before the guard can turn his head. That football sat on the turf for half a second looking for an owner, and Spider-Man adopted it and carried it home. The loneliest job in football is the one where making it earns you nothing, and Lamar Jackson just made it again.

The blitz came in like a wave and Henry Ruggs III was the crest of it. Nothing on that side of the formation stayed standing. Lamar Jackson plucked that thing out of the air with the calm of somebody taking mail out of his own box. Nothing hurried about it at all. HOUSE CALL! Five yard throw from Dwayne Johnson, forty yard run from Lamar Jackson, and a hitch route just went the distance! The 33-yard extra point stopped being free a long time ago, but Spider-Man still treats it like it is. Right down the pipe.

Lamar Jackson does a full slow-motion replay of his own run, backward, from the end zone toward the line of scrimmage, exaggerating every cut. Casper the Friendly Ghost runs alongside as the defender he beat, falling over in slow motion at the exact same spot. Frame for frame accurate. The building is in ruins.

The player went into that pile looking for a teammate and came out with an ejection. Great instincts, terrible timing. Back shoulder fade at the pylon, and Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing comes down with it over a defender who had inside leverage and nothing behind him. Perfectly placed, and this one is on us.

There must be a training manual for being a player, and page one apparently says jump the out route right at the sticks. Thanos feels the arm across his back, spins off the contact, and keeps his balance through the entire thing. That is core strength. No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Thanos. Down the middle from 36.

Pure technique breakdown: LeBron James never got his head around, and in this league that is a guaranteed thirty-yard donation. Six for Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing. Nobody carried the crosser, and that was a walk-in from twelve yards out.

Henry Ruggs III has that receiver on a short leash, and the leash has not moved an inch since the opening kickoff. The student read that concept the way he reads the first ten minutes of a Monday: he knows what is coming and he gets there early. BOOM, Casper the Friendly Ghost bounces off the first tackler at the twenty-two, spins away from the second, and the last man with an angle is already out of the picture! Through the uprights! Bijan Robinson adds the point after and the lead grows by one.

Ten push-ups in the end zone, one for every yard of the run, and Casper the Friendly Ghost counts them out loud with the front row counting back. Henry Ruggs III sits on his back for the last four. He finishes them anyway. The crowd noise on rep ten is the loudest thing this building has produced all year.

PANCAKE! Wolverine puts his man flat on his back and Henry Ruggs III runs straight through the crater! Henry Ruggs III gives it to Doctor Strange on the fly, and their corner is caught peeking into the backfield. Nine free yards. Doctor Strange gets every bit of that ball, and the trajectory tells you at the 30 that it is going to clear with room to spare.

Doctor Strange mimes an enormous phone call from behind the goalpost, pointing at the ball, nodding seriously, holding up one finger to ask the crowd for quiet. Nobody quiets. He says a few words into his hand and hangs up. Dwayne Johnson takes the imaginary phone next and gets flagged for a call that lasted too long.

First and goal at the 2. Four plays, zero yards. Henry Ruggs III finishes it off and we take over on downs.

Second and long just got worse. Casper the Friendly Ghost with the sack, seven yards back, and the chains are a memory. Grabbing on late and hoping for mercy -- the student has talked his way out of worse, but never out of a spot foul. Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

This is the least glamorous football on the planet and it wins games. LeBron James into the interior for two, and another forty seconds disappear off the top. That is CRUEL football! They sold pass, the linebackers bailed to their landmarks, and LeBron James was fifteen yards downfield before anybody turned around!

Thanos points at the scoreboard. LeBron James points at the scoreboard. Spider-Man points at the scoreboard. That is a lot of pointing. And here is the answer to our game show Tradio, the Swap Shop of the Air! Rondal Doyle Whitmire of Hog Waller Ferry, Georgia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is a used tailgate grill worth in a straight trade?' The answer was of course one deep freezer, or two if the wheels still turn. Rondal Doyle therefore wins a canoe trailer traded for a lawn mower traded for a couch! I brought gloves to the booth tonight. I cannot work the clicker with them on. So I brought gloves for nothing. Good evening and good night. And now, 'Dr. Pimple Popper: The Tupperware Lid Drawer.' Not for everybody.

Matchday 10 — vs Seattle Seismographs

20-28 (L)

BLOWN UP IN THE BACKFIELD! Henry Ruggs III shoots the A-gap and drops him four yards behind the line of scrimmage! He hooked it. The Seattle Seismographs kicker got too far around the ball, it starts inside the upright and just keeps turning. No good, and their drive dies with nothing on it.

Twelve men on the field. Henry Ruggs III jogs off shaking his head, and the penalty is exactly what it looked like. Second time in three drives. Seattle Seismographs punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

Body catch instead of hands, and the football hits the shoulder pad and pops straight back up in the air. Thanos had that one measured from ten yards out. Nobody suspects a player of running a con on fourth and 3, which is precisely why the con worked. Precision is precision in any trade. The neurosurgeon hit his landmark on the exact step and the football was already waiting for him when he got there. The player has never once been thanked for the last step of anything. He puts it through and gets a pat on the helmet from the long snapper.

Two linemen plant themselves on the goal line with their arms straight up as uprights, and Dwayne Johnson snaps the ball back through his legs. Doctor Strange kicks it clean between them and holds the follow-through, one leg up, chin high. The actual kicker is twenty yards away with his actual holder, waiting to do this for real. Both officials signal the imaginary kick good before they can stop themselves.

The blueprint said on the line. The student read that as near the line, and the officials do not accept near. Third and 12, Zeus takes his shot on the boundary, and the chain gang gets to go for a walk.

Here it comes, and it GETS THERE! Bijan Robinson times the snap count perfectly and the play is dead before it starts! He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Henry Ruggs III recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. Delay of game on the road offense. Bijan Robinson raises his arms one more time and the noise goes up another notch.

Halftime. The equipment staff swaps Wolverine into a dry pair of cleats. Here is a good one: Wolverine nearly missed a third-quarter kickoff, deep in conversation with a band director. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Tailgate Meat! To win a smoker grill welded out of a county filing cabinet, text BLITZ to 555-0162 and answer this question: 'What meat is in the mystery casserole on tailgate table three?' The kickoff team charges downfield. The second half is no longer theoretical.

Look at the get-off from LeBron James -- he is two yards upfield before the center's hand leaves the football. You cannot block that. Five yards marched off. LeBron James was the twelfth man, and a third and 6 just turned into third and 1 for them. Screen pass, one missed tackle at the thirty, and Seattle Seismographs is gone. That is a fundamentals problem, and the fundamentals are ours to fix.

GONE around the edge! Lamar Jackson feeds Thanos in stride and there is nothing but open sideline waiting! The highlight shows will lead with that tonight, and Thanos treated it like a routine part of the carry. Ball on the ground, other team on the ball. You cannot leave the player holding something precious with a linebacker coming downhill.

Helmets on the turf, referees buried in the middle of it, Bijan Robinson disqualified. Whatever this game was about ten seconds ago, it is about something else now. Field position, then penalties, then the score. Seattle Seismographs has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

He CHECKS IT! Dwayne Johnson at the line, screaming the new call, clapping his hands, and the entire defense just got outsmarted! The fake is the entire play. Dwayne Johnson rides the mesh, the second level bites hard, and now there is a canyon behind the linebackers. Somewhere there is a shift the player is not covering right now, and nobody at that job site is complaining. Six points buys a lot of forgiveness. Wolverine jogs on, kicks it through, jogs off. If you blinked you missed the whole thing, and that is exactly the idea.

The ball goes into the stands on a rope, twenty rows deep, and the scrum for it delays the extra point. Thanos watches two grown men in the same jersey wrestle over it. A kid ends up with it somehow. Thanos points at the kid, and the kid points back, and that is the shot that runs all week.

Screen game to the field side. Lamar Jackson follows the guard, cuts off his hip at the thirty and finishes it untouched. Ninety seconds locked on a sideline monitor, and LeBron James has aged about a year for every one of them. Watch that toe -- LeBron James drags it and the heel catches the sideline on the way through. Clear and obvious, and the booth had no choice at all.

The hands tell the whole story -- Wolverine chops, rips underneath the outside shoulder, and the pocket collapses from the top down. Yellow laundry deep in the secondary, and it is on Wolverine. Pass interference, and the ball travels all the way down to the twenty. Six for Seattle Seismographs. Nobody carried the crosser, and that was a walk-in from twelve yards out.

Watch the tempo now -- Dwayne Johnson stays in the shotgun, works the sideline, makes them defend every blade of grass. Two timeouts still in his back pocket. Jet motion, and Dwayne Johnson puts it in the belly of Lamar Jackson at a dead sprint! He is around the corner before the linebackers can flip their hips! Dwayne Johnson buys the extra beat, climbs the pocket, and puts enough air under it to let the route develop. Lamar Jackson boxes out at the pylon and takes it at the highest point in the sky.

The ball goes into the stands on a rope, twenty rows deep, and the scrum for it delays the extra point. Lamar Jackson watches two grown men in the same jersey wrestle over it. A kid ends up with it somehow. Lamar Jackson points at the kid, and the kid points back, and that is the shot that runs all week.

LeBron James kicks an empty Gatorade cup down the sideline. It travels four feet. Somehow that is worse. And here is the answer to our game Name That Tailgate Meat! Sharla Ottinger of Lug Nut, Michigan, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What meat is in the mystery casserole on tailgate table three?' The answer was of course nobody knows, and the man who brought it has quietly left the state. Sharla takes home a smoker grill welded out of a county filing cabinet! I heard down in the tunnel that Henry Ruggs III trained as a basketball player before the league. The hand placement makes total sense now. Thanks for spending the night with us. Coming up: 'Naked Attraction: Choosing a New Phone Plan.' Brutal.

Matchday 11 — vs Pittsburgh Dish-Towels

21-20 (W)

Beautiful key read. Henry Ruggs III sees the guard pull, runs the mesh point down, and meets the back before the handoff is even clean. The hands tell the whole story -- Henry Ruggs III chops, rips underneath the outside shoulder, and the pocket collapses from the top down. That is the third field goal of the day for Pittsburgh Dish-Towels. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

The whole sideline came up off that bench when Lamar Jackson went airborne, and the officials had to point every one of them back behind the white line! They are looking at two things on the Lamar Jackson play: possession all the way through the ground, and whether the knee was down before the football came out. Reversed to incomplete. No reception for Lamar Jackson. Same spot, next down.

The neurosurgeon is not even on the field for that snap and he is running the whole sideline. Some people simply do not have an off switch.

The referee's arms go up before Dwayne Johnson does! Ball long gone, hit delivered anyway, and that is roughing the passer! This is the answer to pressure: Dwayne Johnson gets it out in 1.8 seconds, Thanos sits down in the soft spot of the zone, and the rush never mattered. Play action, quick game off it from Dwayne Johnson, and Thanos has a free release into the flat with nobody within five yards. Six on the board. The loneliest job in football is the one where making it earns you nothing, and Henry Ruggs III just made it again.

Alone in space with the ball carrier, and the player does not miss. Whatever he does for a living clearly does not tolerate missing.

Halftime. Henry Ruggs III takes a knee by the door while a trainer refills the bottle. Fun fact: Henry Ruggs III once lost a fight with the sideline kicking net. The net remains undefeated in this building. And now, our halftime TV game show Tradio, the Swap Shop of the Air! To win a canoe trailer traded for a lawn mower traded for a couch, text BLITZ to 555-2557 and answer this question: 'What is a used tailgate grill worth in a straight trade?' Back on the field. Whatever was said in there, the body language has changed.

Two men, one football, one very small window. The player makes that exchange the way you hand somebody a full mug on a moving train. One wobble and it is a disaster, and there was no wobble. Lamar Jackson gets low, gets a push from behind, and the football crosses the line before that front can even sink its hips. Oh, he is a MATCHUP PROBLEM! Dwayne Johnson throws it up where only his guy can reach it and Lamar Jackson snatches it away from a man who gave up four inches! Big touchdown, big celebration, and then the basketball player quietly comes on to file the paperwork. Point is good.

Perfect technique from Spider-Man -- he plays the ball, not the man, and there is not a flag anywhere on this field. Four-man rush, nobody blitzed. Lamar Jackson wins a one-on-one in under two and a half seconds, and that is how you wreck a game plan. We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Pittsburgh Dish-Towels, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

Draw play, and the rush runs itself right past Henry Ruggs III. That call was in the game plan for exactly this front. The entire building is watching the replay together, groaning and roaring at the same angles, while Henry Ruggs III just paces. Frame by frame, the nose of the football wiggles underneath the elbow of Henry Ruggs III, and 22 yards simply disappear.

Ugly scene. Dwayne Johnson is out of the game, the network has stopped showing replays, and the head coach is walking his own players back one at a time. Field position, then penalties, then the score. Pittsburgh Dish-Towels has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

Two high shell disguised as one high. The opposing quarterback never saw Thanos sinking underneath the dig, and he throws it directly to him. Doctor Strange jogs on, kicks it through, jogs off. If you blinked you missed the whole thing, and that is exactly the idea.

And the flag gets picked up. Pittsburgh Dish-Towels keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

Second and 6, Casper the Friendly Ghost pancakes the three-technique, and the run goes for eleven before anybody touches the ball carrier. Henry Ruggs III pulls to the right, logs the linebacker, and the run hits the alley for eight. LeBron James gets it batted down at the line of scrimmage. Incomplete, third and 6. Fourth and 9. Lamar Jackson pins it at the two. That offense now has 98 yards of real estate in front of it.

Zeus hands the game ball to a kid behind the bench. Bijan Robinson hands over his gloves. Casper the Friendly Ghost hands over his eye black. The kid is buried. And here is the answer to our game show Tradio, the Swap Shop of the Air! Rondal Doyle Whitmire of Hog Waller Ferry, Georgia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is a used tailgate grill worth in a straight trade?' The answer was of course one deep freezer, or two if the wheels still turn. Rondal Doyle therefore wins a canoe trailer traded for a lawn mower traded for a couch! Confession: I still cannot pronounce Zeus's last name correctly. I have had two weeks. My apologies to the entire family. And now, a brand new episode of 'Assembling Furniture Without the Instructions.' Good night, everybody.

Matchday 12 — vs Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof

37-40 (L)

Four-man rush, nobody blitzed. Wolverine wins a one-on-one in under two and a half seconds, and that is how you wreck a game plan. In his day job the superhero deals with customers. Today he has exactly one, and that customer is extremely unsatisfied. A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof stretches the lead.

The rusher brought a spin, a rip and a plan. Bijan Robinson brought better feet, and that is the entire story of this drive. Single high safety, and Bijan Robinson attacked the one blade of grass that coverage shell cannot defend. Perfect timing on the shot play. The throw was a rounding error. Everything after it belonged to Lamar Jackson, who turned a checkdown into a highlight tape. Through the uprights! LeBron James adds the point after and the lead grows by one.

Lamar Jackson hurdles a downed defender on the way in, and once he is over the line he turns around and hurdles Wolverine for good measure. Wolverine was not warned. He was crouching to tie a shoe. This is on every highlight package in the country and it is not even the touchdown that is the story.

We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

No statistic exists for what the superhero just did. He simply made sure nothing bad happened to anybody standing behind him, all afternoon long. Two hours of heavy physical labor, no applause, no lunch break -- the superhero is having the most familiar afternoon of his entire life. Twenty-two carries, twenty-two collisions. The superhero is the only man on this field who has to do that kind of work twice, because he clocks in again tomorrow morning. The loneliest job in football is the one where making it earns you nothing, and Casper the Friendly Ghost just made it again.

Zeus points at the scoreboard and then stands there, waiting for his own name to come up on it. The operator is half a minute behind and the board is still showing a third down that no longer exists. Seventy thousand people end up staring at a blank scoreboard alongside him, and when the letters finally land the noise is bigger than it was for the touchdown. Doctor Strange has been beside him the entire time, pointing at nothing at all.

He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Zeus recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. It is up, and it is through. Three more for Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

Off the field. Thanos is already flipping through the sideline photos of that last drive. The singer held that note for eleven seconds and this stadium held its breath for nine of them. And now, our halftime TV game show Deal or No Huddle! To win a coaching headset that only picks up a country station three states over, text BLITZ to 555-0345 and answer this question: 'What is the real snap count if nobody in the huddle is listening?' Third-quarter kickoff coming up. This is the stretch where games get decided.

Official warning, no yardage. The superhero steers the boss back behind the white line with a hand on the shoulder and a voice pitched exactly right for a man about to make things worse.

Beautiful key read. Spider-Man sees the guard pull, runs the mesh point down, and meets the back before the handoff is even clean. Right down the middle from thirty-four. Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

Look at that sideline -- everybody waving both arms, the coach halfway onto the field, and Dwayne Johnson standing perfectly still while it all happens around him. Dwayne Johnson follows that block the way a car follows a snowplow. Somebody else clears it, he just keeps his foot down. You can hear the strike all the way up in the press box, and Dwayne Johnson watches his own football still climbing as it passes the 20.

One step over the goal line and Dwayne Johnson drops into the dance whole internet already knows, hands low, feet blurring. Six teammates arrive and join it in a ragged line. The offensive line is two full beats behind and does not care. Seventy thousand people are doing it in the seats and none of them are doing it well.

Spider-Man folded that pocket like a lawn chair, and the opposing quarterback never saw the ceiling coming down. Spider-Man was in a footrace he had already lost, so he tried to slow the traffic. The officials do not accept that excuse. Field position, then penalties, then the score. Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

That is a jump ball won by wingspan and by sheer stubbornness, and Doctor Strange has an unfair amount of both. TAKE THE TOP OFF! Dwayne Johnson steps into the throw and hits Doctor Strange in stride at the twenty-five with nothing but painted grass in front of him! Six feet. A player eyeballs six feet every single day of his life and gets it right. Not this time.

Two linemen plant themselves on the goal line with their arms straight up as uprights, and Henry Ruggs III snaps the ball back through his legs. Doctor Strange kicks it clean between them and holds the follow-through, one leg up, chin high. The actual kicker is twenty yards away with his actual holder, waiting to do this for real. Both officials signal the imaginary kick good before they can stop themselves.

Back shoulder fade at the pylon, and Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof comes down with it over a defender who had inside leverage and nothing behind him. Perfectly placed, and this one is on us.

Textbook from Thanos: he never goes for the body, he goes for the tomahawk on the throwing arm. Coaches run that clip on a loop. Some quarterbacks force it into a crowd. Thanos just picks up the coupon the defense left on the table. Give it to him twenty-two times and this is what you get. Henry Ruggs III punished that front all afternoon and cashed it in from six yards out. What a finish. LeBron James taps the point after through and this one is academic. Seven on the board.

Henry Ruggs III walks to the back line of the end zone, turns his back on the entire stadium, folds his arms across his chest and falls straight backward. Six men get there in time. Two of them were not looking. He lands a solid foot lower than he should have and comes up laughing too hard to stand up straight.

Fourth and 4, they go to their number one, and Zeus says absolutely not. Ball on the ground, ball back to us. Run the tape back on the substitution: Dwayne Johnson steps in, the call changes, and nobody waves him back. That is the whole penalty in one clip. Second time in three drives. Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

That is a coverage disguise and a half. Casper the Friendly Ghost shows two-high, spins down into the flat, and the opposing quarterback throws it right to him. Quick out, Casper the Friendly Ghost catches it at his own forty-five, breaks the arm tackle and outruns the angle. Fifty-five yard touchdown on a throw that traveled four. Hold is upright, the spot never moves an inch, and Lamar Jackson hits it flush. Nothing about that operation was rushed.

Illegal substitution. Henry Ruggs III is caught halfway to the sideline at the snap, and the flag is out immediately. Six for Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof. Nobody carried the crosser, and that was a walk-in from twelve yards out.

Zeus sits with a towel over his head. Spider-Man sits with his eyes wide open, aimed at the ceiling. And here is the answer to our game Deal or No Huddle! Junie Fae Sprankle of Cooler Bottom, Iowa, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the real snap count if nobody in the huddle is listening?' The answer was of course whatever the center decides, and he is not telling. Junie Fae takes home a coaching headset that only picks up a country station three states over! Confession: I still cannot pronounce Zeus's last name correctly. I have had two weeks. My apologies to the entire family. Good night from all of us here. Next: 'Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives: The Vending Machine on Floor Three.'

Matchday 13 — vs Green Bay Shareholders

29-28 (W)

Textbook rep. Spider-Man sets, punches, resets the feet, and that edge rusher runs himself a yard past the launch point. Watch the plant foot -- Spider-Man puts it right beside the ball, no lean, no hook. Inside 40 that is a rehearsed motion, not a kick.

BOTH BENCHES ARE EMPTY! Bodies pouring onto the field around midfield, and LeBron James is dead center in the pile. Second time in three drives. Green Bay Shareholders punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

That is a burned timeout, but it beats five yards. Dwayne Johnson saw the protection was wrong and killed the play before it killed the drive. Dwayne Johnson in the open field, one man to beat, and he leaves him GRABBING AIR! Ankles all over the turf! From 51, on the road, into the open end of this stadium. Dwayne Johnson makes it. Three points.

Whole receiving corps drops into a photo-booth strip: four different poses in four seconds, Dwayne Johnson switching each one, everybody matching. Somebody in the group is a half beat behind on all four and it is, as usual, a lineman who followed them in. The gag ends with all of them face down on the turf and the crowd absolutely gone.

They keep feeding LeBron James between the tackles, and those linebackers are already a half step slower than they were in the first quarter. Fourth and 6 at the 15, field goal unit on, LeBron James converts from 33. Three points.

LeBron James climbs the padding at the base of the goalpost and hangs there like a man escaping a flood. The flag is out before his second hand lands, and security arrives right behind it. Zeus is at the bottom pushing him higher, which is not helping anybody. Two officials and a very tired stadium employee talk him down.

They will keep handing it to Henry Ruggs III until that goal line moves. Two yards this time, and everybody in the building knows what is coming next. Henry Ruggs III went into that pile the way you wade into cold surf, and he came out the other side dragging two defenders across the line with him. Lamar Jackson jogs on, kicks it through, jogs off. If you blinked you missed the whole thing, and that is exactly the idea.

Halftime. Henry Ruggs III has a headset on, listening to the booth break down the third-down calls. Did you know Henry Ruggs III picks the pregame playlist? The veterans have filed complaints through proper channels. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Fourth and Fortune! To win a lifetime supply of mustard packets that have all already been opened, text BLITZ to 555-0117 and answer this question: 'How many chicken wings are left in a fifty-piece order after four hours of tailgating?' The ball is teed up. One whistle away from football again.

Screen pass, one missed tackle at the thirty, and Green Bay Shareholders is gone. That is a fundamentals problem, and the fundamentals are ours to fix.

Two-minute drill, and Dwayne Johnson is operating like the game clock is merely a suggestion. Corner route out of the slot, one on one, no help inside. Dwayne Johnson wins at the top of the stem and the throw beats the safety. Touchdown. The 33-yard extra point stopped being free a long time ago, but Lamar Jackson still treats it like it is. Right down the pipe.

IT IS A HEADCOUNT! Somebody on this sideline needs a clicker, because the official counted twice before he threw it at Thanos! And the flag gets picked up. Green Bay Shareholders keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

Three-step drop, hitch route, and Henry Ruggs III was sitting on it the whole quarter. He has been baiting that throw since the opening series. Henry Ruggs III goes through those arm tackles the way you go through a beaded curtain. Barely a pause, and nothing out there actually stops him. Henry Ruggs III strikes it, both arms go straight up behind the goalposts, and this crowd gets the three points it came down here for.

BLOWN UP IN THE BACKFIELD! Spider-Man shoots the A-gap and drops him four yards behind the line of scrimmage! Twelve men on the field. Spider-Man jogs off shaking his head, and the penalty is exactly what it looked like. Green Bay Shareholders goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

Watch the safety bite on the run fake -- that is all Dwayne Johnson needed. One high look, one window, Thanos sitting down in the back of the end zone. Official review. The Lamar Jackson play. Both coordinators are out on the numbers with their call sheets rolled up in a fist. The touchdown comes off the board. The back foot of Lamar Jackson is down on the white before he crosses the plane. Ball at the one, no score.

No highlight, no replay, no mention on the broadcast. The student spent three hours making sure a very expensive man never had to think about him once. Freeze him all you like. The student spends the extra minute squaring up his mark like he is setting a level, and comes back out steadier than before. THE HORN SOUNDS WHILE THE BALL IS STILL CLIMBING AND Casper the Friendly Ghost IS ALREADY BEING BURIED UNDER THREE HUNDRED POUND MEN!

Thanos fakes a handoff to Zeus, who mimes taking it to the house. The officials left ten minutes ago. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Fourth and Fortune! Deloris Snavely of Gravy Boat, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many chicken wings are left in a fifty-piece order after four hours of tailgating?' The answer was of course nine, and two of those are legally celery. Deloris takes home a lifetime supply of mustard packets that have all already been opened! Exactly one thing ruined this broadcast for me: somebody put decaf in the regular pot. I know who. That's the game and that's our night. Up next: 'Intervention: My Friend Who Will Not Stop Talking About His Fantasy Team.'

Matchday 14 — vs Buffalo Table-Breakers

27-39 (L)

Fingertips like that do not come from football practice. The superhero does precision work all week and it showed up at the catch point. The hands tell the whole story -- Lamar Jackson chops, rips underneath the outside shoulder, and the pocket collapses from the top down. That is the third field goal of the day for Buffalo Table-Breakers. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

Jet sweep to the right, Thanos on the handoff, gain of nine to the thirty-two. That is a gorgeous kick-out block, and Doctor Strange does the rest -- foot in the ground, north and south, nine yards. Short yardage is manual labor and nothing else, and this is a neurosurgeon who has done harder work than that for considerably less money. The loneliest job in football is the one where making it earns you nothing, and Doctor Strange just made it again.

The kicker is the only man still on the sideline, and he is jumping straight up and down by himself with both fists over his head. Nobody is looking at him. He does not care. Doctor Strange spots him from the end zone, sprints forty yards back, and tackles him into the bench, and the broadcast stays on the two of them for a full ten seconds.

Second and 14. Bijan Robinson with the tackle for loss, and that play call goes straight in the garbage. Bijan Robinson was one body too many, and the umpire had him tagged before the football ever moved. Ohhh, that one hurts. Buffalo Table-Breakers runs the same counter they have run all afternoon, the backside end crashes again, and it is a touchdown.

OH, THE BALL IS OUT! Bijan Robinson takes the arm on the way down and the football is loose -- AND WE HAVE IT! Second and goal from the two and they just punch it. Bijan Robinson behind the right guard, forward lean, football across the line. Through the uprights! Thanos adds the point after and the lead grows by one.

BOOM! Spider-Man comes off the edge untouched and puts the opposing quarterback in the dirt for a loss of nine! Spider-Man lost the deep third, panicked at the catch point and got his hand in early. That is a spot foul every single week. Field position, then penalties, then the score. Buffalo Table-Breakers has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

Locker room. Lamar Jackson runs cold water over both forearms until the shaking stops. Small detail: Lamar Jackson tips the equipment staff after every road game. Cash. Every time. Nobody ever asked Lamar Jackson to. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Fourth and Fortune! To win a lifetime supply of mustard packets that have all already been opened, text BLITZ to 555-0117 and answer this question: 'How many chicken wings are left in a fifty-piece order after four hours of tailgating?' The kicking team lines up. Ball spotted, whistle pending, and we are seconds from football again.

They wanted the seam. Wolverine took the seam, took the football, and took eleven yards back the other way before the whistle. Off tackle to the right, Wolverine for eight. First down at the forty-one. The superhero shows up, does the whole job in eleven seconds, and gets back on the bus. Three points, no overtime.

NO SIR! Henry Ruggs III gets a hand in at the last possible instant and that football hits the turf! Five yards marched off. Wolverine was the twelfth man, and a third and 6 just turned into third and 1 for them. Back shoulder fade at the pylon, and Buffalo Table-Breakers comes down with it over a defender who had inside leverage and nothing behind him. Perfectly placed, and this one is on us.

HOW did he get that off?! Dwayne Johnson hangs in a collapsing pocket with a rusher in his facemask, turns it loose at the last tick, and Thanos hauls it in for six! The student has never once been thanked for the last step of anything. He puts it through and gets a pat on the helmet from the long snapper. The whole bench is celebrating and the officials are already reaching for laundry! Dwayne Johnson took the prop celebration one beat too far and it is going to cost this team real field position.

Buffalo Table-Breakers goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

Watch the snap count discipline. Dwayne Johnson put it on two for a quarter and a half, then held it, and the A-gap blitzer jumped the neutral zone. Dwayne Johnson does not run away from tacklers. He runs straight through the neighborhood they happen to be standing in.

Loss of six and a change of possession. Casper the Friendly Ghost with the strip-sack, and our offense takes over just past midfield. GONE around the edge! Casper the Friendly Ghost feeds Doctor Strange in stride and there is nothing but open sideline waiting! No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Doctor Strange. Down the middle from 36.

Doctor Strange takes a knee, bows his head for a beat, then rises and points both hands to a single section in the upper deck. Somebody up there is holding a sign with his mother's name on it. The broadcast finds her in eleven seconds. She is destroyed and so is half the country watching.

Dwayne Johnson gets hauled out of the middle of it along with a body from the other side. The flags offset, the consequences do not. And the flag gets picked up. Buffalo Table-Breakers keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

HELMET ON, CHIN STRAP BUCKLED! Dwayne Johnson is taking this offense the length of the field and every single person in here knows it! Dwayne Johnson sells the mesh and lets it go flat, and the entire defensive front is running the wrong direction.

Doctor Strange thanks the equipment guy twice. It is the only thing he can control tonight. Dwayne Johnson does the same. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Fourth and Fortune! Deloris Snavely of Gravy Boat, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many chicken wings are left in a fifty-piece order after four hours of tailgating?' The answer was of course nine, and two of those are legally celery. Deloris takes home a lifetime supply of mustard packets that have all already been opened! Your commentator spent the entire fourth quarter on a dead headset battery. You heard the good half. Good evening and good night. And now, 'Dr. Pimple Popper: The Tupperware Lid Drawer.' Not for everybody.

Matchday 15 — vs Philadelphia Pole-Greasers

14-17 (L)

Both benches are on their feet. Thanos points at the scoreboard, the official points at the yard marker, and only one of those gestures counts. This started with a shove after the whistle and escalated in about two seconds. Zeus is in the middle of it and the crew will be sorting out numbers for five minutes.

There must be a training manual for being a student, and page one apparently says jump the out route right at the sticks. One hand, and the wrong hand at that. Casper the Friendly Ghost takes that football with the off hand, twelve feet in the air, with his momentum carrying him away from the throw. Casper the Friendly Ghost treats a 31-yarder the way you treat a light switch. Flip it, walk off, three points.

The linemen have been waiting all year for this. All five of them wall up in the end zone and hit a shoulder-roll wave down the line, big men moving in sequence like a slow tide. Casper the Friendly Ghost stands to the side and simply applauds. This is their moment and everybody in the building knows it.

Nobody on that offensive line got the memo they had a student booked for the afternoon. Two seconds of work, one flattened pocket. No targets, no catches, no yards. Casper the Friendly Ghost is having the kind of quiet game that wins football games. We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Philadelphia Pole-Greasers, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

The student showed up in the backfield before the running back did. In his line of work they call that beating the traffic. Casper the Friendly Ghost folded that pocket like a lawn chair, and the opposing quarterback never saw the ceiling coming down. THAT IS A WALL! Casper the Friendly Ghost and the front seven meet them square at the point of attack, and there is no crease to be found!

BOOM! Spider-Man comes off the edge untouched and puts the opposing quarterback in the dirt for a loss of nine! Fifteen honest minutes of coverage undone by one snap. The superhero knows all about work that only gets noticed the day it goes wrong. Back shoulder fade at the pylon, and Philadelphia Pole-Greasers comes down with it over a defender who had inside leverage and nothing behind him. Perfectly placed, and this one is on us.

Halftime. Henry Ruggs III has a knot on his forearm the size of a golf ball and mentions it to nobody. Backstage: the artist's rider asks for a space heater and eleven bananas. Eleven. Not ten, not twelve. And now, our halftime TV game show American Porch Pickers! To win a porch swing, three lawn flamingos, and whatever is behind the shed, text BLITZ to 555-2394 and answer this question: 'How many footballs are on roofs in the United States at this exact moment?' The sidelines are stacked and standing. Kickoff.

This is the value of travel coverage: Thanos follows him everywhere, so the game plan they built all week is now scrap paper. Here is the design: the tackle occupies both interior blockers and LeBron James loops into a completely clean A-gap. Drawn up on Wednesday, cashed in on Sunday.

Ball goes under the arm, LeBron James sprints straight to the Philadelphia Pole-Greasers logo at midfield and plants both feet on it, arms wide. Their entire sideline comes off the bench at once. Officials sprint in. Casper the Friendly Ghost gets there first and drags him off the paint by the jersey while the home crowd screams for blood.

Timeout at 0:01 on the play clock, second one of the half. Dwayne Johnson keeps the football and the down, and they will reset the call. Look at the break -- Thanos drops his weight at fifteen and comes out of it dead flat, and Dwayne Johnson already has the football in the air before his man turns his head. The player shows up, does the whole job in eleven seconds, and gets back on the bus. Three points, no overtime.

Third and 9, five-man protection, Zeus handles his man one on one and the completion moves the sticks. That window is maybe eighteen inches wide. Zeus throws it before the break, which is the only way this football ever arrives. Off the hands, up in the air, and it comes down in a defensive jersey. Tipped at the line or not, that one goes in the book next to Lamar Jackson.

The ball Dwayne Johnson put up there stayed airborne so long the concession lines had time to move. Lamar Jackson takes off like a kid clearing a hedge and comes down eleven yards later with the ball still in his hands. No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Lamar Jackson. Down the middle from 36.

He is UNBLOCKABLE right now! Spider-Man is in the backfield again and their offensive coordinator just slammed the call sheet down! This one is on the headsets, not the player. Spider-Man was sent out for a package that got waved off two seconds too late. Ohhh, that one hurts. Philadelphia Pole-Greasers runs the same counter they have run all afternoon, the backside end crashes again, and it is a touchdown.

Bijan Robinson and his unit have given up nothing on the last eleven dropbacks. That trench belongs to them now. You can play flawless coverage in this league and lose the down anyway. Bijan Robinson just proved it in front of everybody. That is a five-yard cushion on a 55-yarder. Bijan Robinson did not just make it, he had another division of distance in the tank.

The ball takes one wicked hop off the turf and Bijan Robinson swallows it whole underneath a pile of bodies. Bijan Robinson stutters, the defender freezes, and that is all he needed. Twelve extra yards on a play that should have been dead.

Henry Ruggs III has grass stuck in his facemask and does not pick it out. Dwayne Johnson notices and says nothing. And here is the answer to our game show American Porch Pickers! Ottis Beaumont Sparks of Crooked Chimney, Indiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many footballs are on roofs in the United States at this exact moment?' The answer was of course two point one million, and not one of them is coming down. Ottis therefore wins a porch swing, three lawn flamingos, and whatever is behind the shed! Tonight I high-fived my analyst so hard we both dropped our headsets. Four seconds of dead air. Worth it. We appreciate you. And now, a brand new episode of 'Pawn Stars: A Commemorative Plate From 1998.'