My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

95-128 (L)

Larry Bird launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Magic Johnson keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Rising up out of the corner, Magic Johnson sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Unsportsmanlike foul on Jesus Christ, and this one costs double. Jesus Christ goes up in transition and gets HAMMERED across the head. The crew heads to the monitor, and this one is getting upgraded.

Larry Bird kicks it over to Shaquille O'Neal, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Dribble handoff from Shaquille O'Neal, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! The big man never even contested it, and Alexander the Great still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

One tick left, Larry Bird rises over the outstretched hand of the defender and buries it. Unreal. This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Larry Bird waits with both hands on top of his head. COUNT IT! The ball left the hand of Larry Bird with two tenths on the clock and this place ERUPTS all over again!

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, Larry Bird tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

Halftime whistle. Larry Bird flops into the first available chair. Exclusive: Larry Bird was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show The Bachelor of Science! To win a ceramic frog wearing tiny sunglasses and nothing else, text HOOPS to 555-0264 and answer this question: 'How tall would a stack of every whistle ever blown be?' Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.

Here comes the slip from Larry Bird, and Magic Johnson reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Alexander the Great threads a BEAUTY to Larry Bird under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Swing, swing, and Magic Johnson finds Alexander the Great on the wing before the help can even turn its head. The military leader just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Get that one framed. Shaquille O'Neal took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Shaquille O'Neal stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Larry Bird sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Magic Johnson finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Larry Bird rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Magic Johnson slips it to Larry Bird right in the pocket. Surgical. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Larry Bird, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Whirl, and GONE! Magic Johnson leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Magic Johnson had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Both coaches are up off the bench pleading while the officials walk the Jesus Christ sequence back frame by frame. OHHHH the cruelty! Two tenths, and Jesus Christ gets absolutely nothing.

Magic Johnson stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Alexander the Great exhales. Again. And again. And here is the answer to our game The Bachelor of Science! Bonnie Faye Gulick of Windy Gap, Wyoming, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How tall would a stack of every whistle ever blown be?' The answer was of course tall enough to be a problem for airplanes. Bonnie Faye takes home a ceramic frog wearing tiny sunglasses and nothing else! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

132-87 (W)

A single dribble is all Larry Bird needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Rim out for Larry Bird, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Magic Johnson drops it off to Alexander the Great on time and on target. Alexander the Great comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Rises, releases, and Alexander the Great sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Magic Johnson threw it before the help even committed. Hesitate, GO. Larry Bird is by that hip before the man even blinks. OHHHH the POWER! Larry Bird took the hit and finished it anyway!

Jesus Christ rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Wide open at the top of the key and Jesus Christ cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition.

Verticality, timing, discipline: Alexander the Great never bites on the pump fake and still finds a way to erase the shot.

Heading in. Shaquille O'Neal's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know Shaquille O'Neal keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! To win a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning, text HOOPS to 555-0129 and answer this question: 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Jesus Christ breaks a shell down. OHHHH the hesi! Larry Bird froze him solid and he is already gone! This building is SHAKING. Larry Bird just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

No hero ball here: Larry Bird takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Jesus Christ! Nothing but runway to the rim! Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Larry Bird. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Larry Bird walk away from it.

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Larry Bird keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Magic Johnson never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Magic Johnson loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

Hands out, palms up, Magic Johnson shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. Jesus Christ is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Ball moves. Magic Johnson to Alexander the Great, on time and on target. This is the counter: Alexander the Great punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Deep. Deeper. GONE. Larry Bird drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Larry Bird hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Alexander the Great shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Jesus Christ makes it every single trip down the floor. Alexander the Great comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Magic Johnson just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Shot clock at one, and Magic Johnson just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Shaquille O'Neal and Alexander the Great attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. Larry Bird films the whole thing. And here is the answer to our game The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! Homer Blevins of Lost Wallet, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' The answer was of course however the grandmother in row four says it. Homer takes home a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

133-88 (W)

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Jesus Christ spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! That is a dime from Larry Bird that deserved so much better, and Jesus Christ knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Magic Johnson has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up. The messiah outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. BAAAANG! Jesus Christ rips the offensive board and puts it right back through!

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Look how low Larry Bird keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Larry Bird takes two dribbles past halfcourt, rises from thirty five feet, and the net barely moves. Filthy.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Larry Bird has known that all night long. Baseline wide open. Jesus Christ said thank you. Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Jesus Christ is doing it the old way.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Jesus Christ disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Alexander the Great is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Halftime! Jesus Christ looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Did you know? Jesus Christ once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Bologna! To win a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore, text HOOPS to 555-0204 and answer this question: 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.

Watch the spacing there, Magic Johnson hits Shaquille O'Neal right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Shaquille O'Neal crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Runner in the lane by Shaquille O'Neal, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

Perfect timing, no contact, no whistle from Alexander the Great, just a clean swat and a stance that dares anybody else to try it.

Clean feed from Larry Bird, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Watch the change of pace from Jesus Christ, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and Jesus Christ rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Blowing smoke off two fingers like a gunslinger, Jesus Christ holsters them in his waistband. Larry Bird plays dead on the baseline. The mascot joins the bit uninvited. A referee has to physically separate a celebration from an inbound play.

One hard jab step and Jesus Christ is leaning the wrong way, and the drive goes right past his shoulder. Shaquille O'Neal does not love that call. Both hands in the air, a long look at the official, and the whistle still counts.

Over the top of everybody. Jesus Christ to Larry Bird in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Larry Bird, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Prayer from Larry Bird. Not answered.

The crew chief has the headset on, three angles on the screen, everybody in here staring at Magic Johnson. The officials come back out, cross their arms, and Magic Johnson goes from hero to spectator on one signal.

Jesus Christ and Shaquille O'Neal lap the court arm in arm, singing. Off-key. And here is the answer to our game Bowling for Bologna! Faye Ellen Duckworth of Sweat Bee, Connecticut, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The answer was of course two, and the rest are there for confidence. Faye Ellen takes home a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore! On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

114-82 (W)

Magic Johnson walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Watch the sell from Larry Bird here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Pull-up from the elbow by Larry Bird, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Magic Johnson stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. OHHHH! Magic Johnson absorbs the hammer in midair, hangs, finishes, then walks to the line and cashes the extra one.

One hard step and Jesus Christ owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Jesus Christ nothing.

SKIP PASS! Jesus Christ fires it cross court to Alexander the Great and the defense is dead in the water! The defender planted his feet, and Alexander the Great said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. BANG! Alexander the Great steps back, creates the daylight, and buries it right in the defender's eye.

Alexander the Great plants himself in front of the Philadelphia Injury-Report bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Total control. Magic Johnson has this thing on a string. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Magic Johnson is gone, so Alexander the Great earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Second pass beats the rotation, Magic Johnson to Larry Bird, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed Larry Bird would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

Larry Bird finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Alexander the Great photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

Halftime. The physio pounces on Magic Johnson to massage his thighs. Bus driver's confession: Magic Johnson raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show American Idle! To win a two-year subscription to a newsletter about gravel, text HOOPS to 555-0059 and answer this question: 'What is the recommended number of nacho cheese pumps per tray?' Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.

A full spin move through traffic from the messiah! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. There is no finesse in that, and there does not need to be. Jesus Christ simply decided the paint belonged to him.

Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. Jesus Christ pays for that one.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Magic Johnson has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Jesus Christ precisely where the play wanted it. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Jesus Christ the moment he crosses half court. The messiah had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Magic Johnson controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Jesus Christ turns the corner off the screen from Shaquille O'Neal, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! That is the shot chart lying to you. Shaquille O'Neal did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Watch the arms on Alexander the Great, straight up, no arm bar, nothing for the officials to blow. That is coaching and discipline. One hand, full court, Alexander the Great hits Shaquille O'Neal in stride and the crowd is already up. BAAAANG! Larry Bird throws the outlet ahead and Shaquille O'Neal finishes through contact at the rim!

Shaquille O'Neal deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. Jesus Christ arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

Magic Johnson runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. And here is the answer to our game American Idle! Lamar Twitty of Little Sandy Corner, Delaware, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the recommended number of nacho cheese pumps per tray?' The answer was of course three, and anything past three is a lifestyle. Lamar takes home a two-year subscription to a newsletter about gravel! I learned that Magic Johnson's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

125-99 (W)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Shaquille O'Neal rips it out of the air and we are off.

OHHHH they are coming apart! Alexander the Great again, and the defense has no idea where to turn! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Magic Johnson again, and the visiting coach is SPRINTING at the official for a timeout!

Watch the spacing there, Magic Johnson hits Jesus Christ right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. One little shoulder dip from Jesus Christ and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Onions! Jesus Christ did that with a hand in his face.

Jesus Christ plants himself in front of the Phoenix No-Defense bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Down screen, and Jesus Christ curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. ONIONS from Jesus Christ! He saw the hit coming and went up into it anyway. No wasted motion at all from Jesus Christ. Both free throws split the net and the scoreboard ticks over twice.

Push the pace! Magic Johnson grabs it and hits Jesus Christ in stride before the defense can even match up. The messiah just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the messiah! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

That's a cut. Larry Bird stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Larry Bird lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Layup! To win a fondue set with three forks and no instructions, text HOOPS to 555-0347 and answer this question: 'How many folding chairs fit inside a regulation basketball hoop?' Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

That is the second personal charged to Shaquille O'Neal and the bench is already staring at the clipboard. Foul trouble rewrites a rotation in a hurry. Nothing but trouble ahead for Shaquille O'Neal. Third foul, and this crew is calling it tight on both ends of the floor.

Lazy one-hander from Larry Bird through the middle of the floor, and the defender did not even have to leave his feet to take it.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Larry Bird makes it every single trip down the floor. STOP AND GO! Shaquille O'Neal hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! Shaquille O'Neal pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Magic Johnson already has the defense a full step behind. Jesus Christ stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Gift wrapped by Shaquille O'Neal, and Jesus Christ cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Set called, Alexander the Great waved out to the corner, and Magic Johnson watches the spacing open up like a front door. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A military leader making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Unselfish basketball. Larry Bird passes up a good shot and hands Alexander the Great a GREAT one. Somebody check that job title again: the military leader hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Larry Bird, Shaquille O'Neal, and Magic Johnson pose for a group photo at center court. Nobody has a phone. And here is the answer to our game show Name That Layup! Vernon Dinkins of Cold Supper, Missouri, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many folding chairs fit inside a regulation basketball hoop?' The answer was of course none, and the fact that somebody tried is the real story here. Vernon therefore wins a fondue set with three forks and no instructions! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

130-86 (W)

The basketball simply left Jesus Christ. No steal, no pressure, just a quiet parting of ways.

The messiah just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Third one of these from Larry Bird this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Larry Bird treats every miss like it belongs to him. Second chance points for Larry Bird, tipping his own miss straight back in before his feet ever touched the floor.

Jesus Christ kicks it over to Shaquille O'Neal, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Watch Larry Bird plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Shaquille O'Neal out of that corner in a blink. Getting to his spot and elevating, Shaquille O'Neal puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Screened, toasted, done. Larry Bird is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Not a hand on him. Larry Bird flat missed the bunny. Hustle play of the night so far. Magic Johnson gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. OHHHH he went and GOT that! Magic Johnson with the putback jam over two bodies.

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, Magic Johnson tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

Halftime whistle! Larry Bird grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Little scoop: Larry Bird logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.

Oldest play in the book, and Magic Johnson runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Shaquille O'Neal has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Closeout from Larry Bird like a man chasing a bus. Late, out of control, and right into the shooter's landing space. Most defenders get to use their hands. Larry Bird has five, so he is out there guarding with his eyebrows.

Set called, Alexander the Great waved out to the corner, and Magic Johnson watches the spacing open up like a front door. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Alexander the Great kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. The crowd has found its chant, and Larry Bird is going to be hearing it all night.

Watch the spacing there, Jesus Christ hits Magic Johnson right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Magic Johnson gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Magic Johnson punishes it with a read most guys never even see. The military leader just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

No hero ball here: Larry Bird takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Shaquille O'Neal just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Jesus Christ half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Larry Bird whips the extra pass across the arc, Jesus Christ rises without a dribble, and SPLASH.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Magic Johnson breaks a shell down. Shaquille O'Neal gives it up to Alexander the Great on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. The military leader just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Somebody show the rest of the league what the military leader just did on that block. Footwork straight out of 1987!

Alexander the Great mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Los Angeles Nursing-Home fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Larry Bird and Jesus Christ leap onto each other like kids. Alexander the Great comes sprinting in and crushes them both. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

117-102 (W)

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Magic Johnson makes it every single trip down the floor. Two defenders, one gap, and Alexander the Great finds it. Onions on that pass. A jump hook over a grown professional defender, from the messiah? That is the most unexpected fundamentals clinic of the night.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Laser from Larry Bird, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. OHHHH the separation! Jesus Christ just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Jesus Christ beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

This is the work that never shows up in a box score, and Shaquille O'Neal just took two points off the board without a single stat. OHHHH the speed of Alexander the Great! Nobody in this building was catching him.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Alexander the Great never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Under review. Shaquille O'Neal does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. Upgraded to THREE. Shaquille O'Neal was downtown the whole time.

Both teams head to the locker room. Alexander the Great wipes his forehead with his jersey. Rumor has it Alexander the Great talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Casserole! To win a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others, text HOOPS to 555-0177 and answer this question: 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the messiah made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Jesus Christ is walking back with both hands on his head.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Jesus Christ, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Three free throws for the messiah! That is the single most expensive mistake in basketball, and a person with a real day job just engineered it.

STOP AND GO! Jesus Christ hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. So close. Jesus Christ can only stare at the iron.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Larry Bird just did it by hitting Shaquille O'Neal on the back side with acres of room. Magic Johnson eats the contact so Shaquille O'Neal can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Fifth possession this half where Shaquille O'Neal has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

OHHHH that is filthy! Magic Johnson on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Jesus Christ gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice. The shot is short, and Shaquille O'Neal is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. Miss, tip, bucket. Shaquille O'Neal makes his living in the wreckage.

Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the military leader in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. The military leader is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

Larry Bird runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. And here is the answer to our game Name That Casserole! Bobbie Jo Tatum of Mule Shoe Flats, Texas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' The answer was of course the seagull, even nine hundred miles inland. Bobbie Jo takes home a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others! I got a text from Larry Bird after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

115-98 (W)

The referee tosses it high and Shaquille O'Neal rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Magic Johnson has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Jesus Christ precisely where the play wanted it. No roll this time. Jesus Christ swings it right back to Shaquille O'Neal above the break, and it is PURE. BRICK! Shaquille O'Neal throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Minnesota Ice-Wall with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

They drew this up in the timeout: get it to Magic Johnson and let the other four stand there and enjoy the show. BAAAANG! Magic Johnson drills the three AND gets hammered! The four point play is ON.

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. Magic Johnson points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

Shaquille O'Neal gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Magic Johnson saw it a beat early. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Shaquille O'Neal did all the dirty work on that one. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Magic Johnson!

Halftime. Jesus Christ throws his towel on the floor walking in. Rumor has it Jesus Christ tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". And now, our halftime TV game show Press Your Luck, Buddy! To win a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps, text HOOPS to 555-0451 and answer this question: 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

The messiah makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Alexander the Great, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. OHHHH the FADEAWAY! Alexander the Great rises over the defender and it falls through.

Alexander the Great crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Larry Bird mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

OHHHH, Magic Johnson just took that thing right out of his hands! The pass is the play here. Magic Johnson never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. That is the kind of finish that changes a defense's body language, and Shaquille O'Neal has already done it twice this quarter.

Shot clock down to two, Shaquille O'Neal throws up a prayer from twenty six feet, and it is not answered. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Alexander the Great launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Magic Johnson just did it by hitting Alexander the Great on the back side with acres of room. Right idea, no zip on it, and at this level Alexander the Great either puts some heat on that ball or he keeps it in his hands.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Jesus Christ and Alexander the Great just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Jesus Christ fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Timeout. Tablet out. And every line the coach draws starts with Magic Johnson. Sixty seconds in the huddle and Larry Bird cashes it without a single wasted dribble. Textbook.

Alexander the Great and Larry Bird form a tunnel for Jesus Christ to crawl through. Too tall. Gets stuck. And here is the answer to our game Press Your Luck, Buddy! Vergie Cornsilk of Hominy Bend, Arkansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' The answer was of course an uncle, and he has not been invited back since. Vergie takes home a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps! Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

123-100 (W)

The beauty of it is that Magic Johnson never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. That is the shot Alexander the Great wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Magic Johnson put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! REJECTED! Magic Johnson takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

OHHHH the hesi! Jesus Christ froze him solid and he is already gone! The messiah just fired one in from the logo and the roof nearly came off this place. That is in nobody's job description.

Alexander the Great rises up and REJECTS the layup off the glass, and now he is barking at the whole building about it.

The players head in. Larry Bird slips on the wet tunnel floor. Intel: Larry Bird once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters at the Laundromat! To win a mannequin torso wearing a borrowed letterman jacket, text HOOPS to 555-0388 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of a chili at a firehouse cook-off?' Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.

The messiah just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Nobody expects touch like that from the messiah, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Jesus Christ disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Magic Johnson is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

He tried to rise over Alexander the Great. That was a mistake, and the ball is now several rows deep. The military leader just outran an entire defense for the finish, and he clocks in for a shift in the morning. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Alexander the Great slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Magic Johnson passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, Magic Johnson panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Alexander the Great. Super slow motion catches the defender grazing it on the way out, and you could hear the gasp when that angle hit the big screen for Alexander the Great.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

OHHHH! Magic Johnson from another ZIP code as time expires! The longer they stay at that monitor, the louder this place gets, and Magic Johnson is refusing to look at the big screen. OHHHH they are pointing to the floor! Good basket! Magic Johnson just got his moment handed back to him!

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Magic Johnson roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

This has turned into a private conversation. Alexander the Great scores, the man across from him scores, run it again.

Larry Bird rips off his jersey and launches it into the crowd. Jesus Christ does the same. The coach rolls his eyes. And here is the answer to our game Blockbusters at the Laundromat! Reba Mae Odom of Skillet Fork, California, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the boiling point of a chili at a firehouse cook-off?' The answer was of course slightly above the legal limit. Reba Mae takes home a mannequin torso wearing a borrowed letterman jacket! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

106-112 (L)

The military leader just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

SKIP PASS! Magic Johnson fires it cross court to Shaquille O'Neal and the defense is dead in the water! A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Shaquille O'Neal pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Shaquille O'Neal rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

The zone is set with Alexander the Great anchoring the middle of it and there is NOWHERE to go! NOT A CHANCE! Shaquille O'Neal came flying at that pull-up and DELETED it!

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Larry Bird just did it by hitting Shaquille O'Neal on the back side with acres of room. Shaquille O'Neal splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Magic Johnson cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Back to the locker room. Magic Johnson's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Confession: Magic Johnson tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Leg! To win a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing, text HOOPS to 555-0088 and answer this question: 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Magic Johnson rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Rip through, one dribble, contact. Magic Johnson plays that little game better than anybody on this floor. Boring is beautiful, and Magic Johnson is automatic from the stripe. That is how you close a game out.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Wrapped up the arm on the gather, plain as day. Larry Bird gets two, and the bench is already standing. Larry Bird lines it up, unguarded, nobody within fifteen feet, and the ball touches absolutely nothing. Oh my.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Magic Johnson forces a contested fadeaway with a hand in his face, front rim, and the drought rolls on. Buzzer on the shot clock, Jesus Christ heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Magic Johnson makes it every single trip down the floor. Day job, then this: the military leader reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Shaquille O'Neal, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Set called, Jesus Christ waved out to the corner, and Magic Johnson watches the spacing open up like a front door. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Jesus Christ left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Nasty finish. Jesus Christ hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, Jesus Christ tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

Hold everything, they are going to the replay on Alexander the Great, and this building has stopped breathing. Brutal for the military leader, who owned the shot of a lifetime for about ninety seconds. Back to the day job with nothing but the story.

Magic Johnson kicks his towel across the floor. Jesus Christ has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game Supermarket Sweep the Leg! Junior Pennywhistle of Slab Town, Kentucky, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' The answer was of course eight, and the ninth is a private matter. Junior takes home a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

105-106 (L)

Hard drive, hard stop, and Magic Johnson retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. OHHHH! Magic Johnson went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

OHHHH the pin-down! Jesus Christ pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Alexander the Great. Brutal. The messiah tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

The help defender committed way too early, and Magic Johnson made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. They do not teach that footwork anymore, and yet here is Magic Johnson running a full masterclass on the low block.

Magic Johnson throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Shaquille O'Neal grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Larry Bird threw it before the help even committed. Right through the window. Magic Johnson to Jesus Christ on the roll, and the help was a half step late. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the messiah! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Down screen, and Magic Johnson curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Whistle! Magic Johnson got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. Spin, one dribble, up and in. Then Magic Johnson does the whole thing again. Zero drama, two points.

Time to breathe. Shaquille O'Neal has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Juicy anecdote: Shaquille O'Neal was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! To win a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning, text HOOPS to 555-0129 and answer this question: 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Total control. Magic Johnson has this thing on a string. From WAY downtown off the pop! Shaquille O'Neal with the extra pass and CASH. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Jesus Christ should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Magic Johnson controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. BAAAANG! Larry Bird sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. The messiah misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Magic Johnson has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up. OFFENSIVE GLASS! Shaquille O'Neal beats three men to the spot! Up over the box out, and Shaquille O'Neal catches it clean and finishes strong through the contact. Somebody just got posterized.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Shaquille O'Neal does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Larry Bird puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Jesus Christ just did it by hitting Magic Johnson on the back side with acres of room. GONE down the baseline! Magic Johnson beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Magic Johnson. Cruel.

Jesus Christ walks it up past the timeline, nine seconds showing, and you can feel the air go out of this arena. You will not draw up a better look. Jesus Christ got his switch, got his feet set, got it clean off. The basketball gods said no.

Magic Johnson punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Jesus Christ slides down the wall to the floor. And here is the answer to our game The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! Homer Blevins of Lost Wallet, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' The answer was of course however the grandmother in row four says it. Homer takes home a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning! During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

100-122 (L)

No touch. Magic Johnson left the soft hands in the locker room tonight. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Magic Johnson has now cleaned up four misses tonight. That is pure want-to: Magic Johnson was the only man on the floor who decided that rebound belonged to him.

Pointing up at the family section, Magic Johnson taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Careless. Alexander the Great had the entire frontcourt open in front of him and chose to reverse into a violation.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Jesus Christ makes it every single trip down the floor. Two guys on the exact same page, Magic Johnson and Jesus Christ, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Magic Johnson beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Magic Johnson has all the room in the world. Bless him, Magic Johnson tried a move he has clearly only ever pulled off in an empty gym at midnight. Walk.

Back to the locker room. Larry Bird's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Fun fact: Larry Bird is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. And now, our halftime TV game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! To win a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing, text HOOPS to 555-1207 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

Swing, swing, and Magic Johnson finds Shaquille O'Neal on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Down screen, and Shaquille O'Neal curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. Shaquille O'Neal rose straight over the top of him, and one.

Down by the baseline, Shaquille O'Neal points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Magic Johnson is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Cleveland Twin-Towers coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Court vision like that on the messiah is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Up goes the shot from Larry Bird and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Magic Johnson has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Alexander the Great precisely where the play wanted it. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Alexander the Great does. The military leader misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Magic Johnson drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Down, up, and gone for Alexander the Great. The rim is just toying with him now.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

No hero ball here: Magic Johnson takes what the defense gives and moves it along. OHHHH no, Larry Bird floats it crosscourt and it gets picked off clean. That thing is going the other way.

The strategy of the desperate, executed to perfection by Larry Bird. Foul, stop the clock, pray at the other end, repeat.

Alexander the Great refuses Cleveland Twin-Towers's handshake. Shaquille O'Neal offers a limp one with just his fingertips. And here is the answer to our game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! Norma Jean Sprinkle of Butterbean Flats, Alaska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' The answer was of course nine, and the tenth one is purely professional. Norma Jean therefore wins a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing! I learned tonight that Alexander the Great used to be a messiah. That explains the unique running style. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

112-113 (L)

Larry Bird hands it off to Alexander the Great, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. TRAVEL! Larry Bird took the scenic route to the rim and the whistle ended the tour.

Watch the spacing there, Jesus Christ hits Larry Bird right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. STOP AND GO! Larry Bird hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Getting to his spot and elevating, Larry Bird puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The messiah takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. Jesus Christ had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

Push the pace! Magic Johnson grabs it and hits Alexander the Great in stride before the defense can even match up. Watch the sell from Alexander the Great here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Somebody show the rest of the league what the military leader just did on that block. Footwork straight out of 1987!

Stone silence for one second, then Alexander the Great lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Jesus Christ answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Break. Jesus Christ asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Intel: Jesus Christ refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Layup! To win a fondue set with three forks and no instructions, text HOOPS to 555-0347 and answer this question: 'How many folding chairs fit inside a regulation basketball hoop?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Watch Jesus Christ plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Magic Johnson out of that corner in a blink. Magic Johnson had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Watch the spacing, Magic Johnson drags two bodies toward the ball and Jesus Christ is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Jesus Christ went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The defender crowded the middle, and Larry Bird punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Zero hesitation, zero conscience. Larry Bird made that closeout look completely pointless.

Larry Bird runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Whistle! Magic Johnson gets him on the arm. Personal foul, nothing clever about it. The official flashes five toward the scorer's table and Magic Johnson just stares at the hardwood. He knows what comes next.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Straight down the baseline goes the messiah! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the messiah goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Final possession of the night, and it belongs to Alexander the Great. Nobody in this building is sitting down. Two seconds left, Alexander the Great rises, perfect footwork, perfect release, and the ball rattles out like the hoop had a lid on it.

Alexander the Great closes his eyes walking out. Larry Bird keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. And here is the answer to our game show Name That Layup! Vernon Dinkins of Cold Supper, Missouri, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many folding chairs fit inside a regulation basketball hoop?' The answer was of course none, and the fact that somebody tried is the real story here. Vernon therefore wins a fondue set with three forks and no instructions! Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

98-113 (L)

Whistles. Monitor. And Shaquille O'Neal standing frozen at midcourt. That is a HUGE possession. Shaquille O'Neal keeps the ball with this thing hanging by a thread.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Alexander the Great stopped the break and started a much bigger problem. Two free throws, the ball right back, and the officials heading to the monitor. Somebody just dropped a flagrant one on the military leader. The man has to be back at work in the morning, have a heart out there.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

You can teach a lot of things at this level, but not lateral quickness. Alexander the Great is doing a fine traffic cone impression.

Halftime. Larry Bird's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Little scoop: Larry Bird collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. And now, our halftime TV game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! To win a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA, text HOOPS to 555-0938 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

Clock at zero, ball in the air, and... COUNT IT! Larry Bird beats the buzzer from thirty-two feet. Hold everything, they are going to the replay on Larry Bird, and this building has stopped breathing. This is what the monitor is for, and it just told twenty thousand people that the shot from Larry Bird is real.

Ice in the veins: Larry Bird taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Swing, swing, and Magic Johnson finds Jesus Christ on the wing before the help can even turn its head. The messiah just handed that one straight to the other team. Hey, nobody is perfect at two jobs at once.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Magic Johnson makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Look at Shaquille O'Neal mouthing an apology toward his own bench before the call is even announced. He knew instantly.

Ball moves. Larry Bird to Jesus Christ, on time and on target. OHHHH the hesi! Jesus Christ froze him solid and he is already gone! Awful shot by Jesus Christ with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Screened, toasted, done. Jesus Christ is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. Jesus Christ owns the highlight reel tonight.

The messiah just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Magic Johnson pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Magic Johnson, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

The messiah commits the ugliest foul of the night entirely on purpose, and honestly that is the smartest thing anyone has done all quarter.

Jesus Christ stares at the floor while Magic Johnson mutters something inaudible under his breath. And here is the answer to our game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! Dwight Hufnagel of Bogwater, Maine, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' The answer was of course the excuses, because they come with packaging. Dwight therefore wins a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA! Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

95-111 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Alexander the Great winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Magic Johnson guesses left, the ball handler goes right, and suddenly this is a two-on-one before anybody can rotate. Two on the board for the visitors, and Jesus Christ knows it before the officials even get their hands up.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Magic Johnson, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Perfect arc. Magic Johnson makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Magic Johnson does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Jesus Christ puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

Magic Johnson comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Magic Johnson up there and returns it with interest.

Break time. Shaquille O'Neal bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Confession: Shaquille O'Neal believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. And now, our halftime TV game show Last Team Standing Around! To win a chest freezer that only reaches room temperature, text HOOPS to 555-1248 and answer this question: 'How loud is a gym after a buzzer beater on a school night?' Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Laser from Jesus Christ, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Alexander the Great attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! The military leader spots up in the corner and drills it like it is nothing. Somewhere a shooting coach is crying tears of joy.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Alexander the Great is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Magic Johnson controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. POCKET PASS! Larry Bird threads it to Magic Johnson between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Magic Johnson fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Textbook two-man game: Magic Johnson keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Larry Bird rolls into an open runway. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Larry Bird missed that one with real conviction.

OHHHH the help side! Shaquille O'Neal comes flying out of nowhere and that drive is DEAD on arrival! Filthy defense from Shaquille O'Neal. He never touched a thing and he still won the possession.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Jesus Christ gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Larry Bird saw it a beat early. That is vision. Jesus Christ sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Magic Johnson had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Larry Bird waits with both hands on top of his head. The building went up, the building came right back down, and Larry Bird is staring at a scoreboard that never moved.

Shaquille O'Neal shakes Magic Johnson's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. And here is the answer to our game show Last Team Standing Around! Deloris Whitmire of Slow Creek Bend, Hawaii, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How loud is a gym after a buzzer beater on a school night?' The answer was of course loud enough to wake a man three counties over, also named Gary. Deloris therefore wins a chest freezer that only reaches room temperature! Tonight I learned Shaquille O'Neal used to be a messiah before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'