My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

81-126 (L)

Stephen Curry launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH the pin-down! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Mbappe. Brutal. So close. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar can only stare at the iron.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Court vision like that on the association football player is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Kareem Abdul-Jabbar should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Laser from Stephen Curry, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Right through the window. LeBron James to Mbappe on the roll, and the help was a half step late. That is the shot chart lying to you. Mbappe did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Halftime! Mbappe walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. They say Mbappe eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. And now, our halftime TV game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! To win a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever, text HOOPS to 555-0876 and answer this question: 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Mbappe on time and on target. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Mbappe gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Gift wrapped by King Kong, and Mbappe cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

TECHNICAL on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar! He found the one word you cannot say out here.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Super slow motion catches the defender grazing it on the way out, and you could hear the gasp when that angle hit the big screen for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Stephen Curry gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Mbappe has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the player made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Nobody expects touch like that from the player, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

King Kong crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Stephen Curry mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Ball into Stephen Curry at the elbow, LeBron James plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! LeBron James cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Timeout. Tablet out. And every line the coach draws starts with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Coach spent a timeout on a play for the association football player and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

Mbappe chews his nails on the bench. LeBron James stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. And here is the answer to our game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! Faye Ellen Hocutt of Turnip Hollow, Maryland, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' The answer was of course eleven pounds of fabric and about a hundred pounds of expectation. Faye Ellen therefore wins a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever! During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

86-110 (L)

Ejected. Mbappe is gone. No debate, no discussion, that was reckless.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Stephen Curry and King Kong just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Long and gone. Stephen Curry floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and LeBron James has known that all night long. OHHHH that is filthy! Mbappe on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. That is body control you simply cannot coach: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar plants himself in front of the Miami Heart-Attack bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Turnover, layup, Miami Heart-Attack straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Nothing. Again. LeBron James is staring at that rim like it owes him money. Shot clock at one, and Mbappe just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Break! Mbappe grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Staff confession: Mbappe is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Bologna! To win a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore, text HOOPS to 555-0204 and answer this question: 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

Dagger from Miami Heart-Attack. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Towels are FLYING for the association football player! Going back to the day job on Monday is going to feel extremely strange after a night like this.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. The player pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Oh my. Mbappe did not even draw iron.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Stephen Curry does. Stephen Curry rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Snatched his ankles, and Mbappe is still checking whether they are attached.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

GET THAT OUTTA HERE! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar meets that jumper at the top of its flight and spikes it into the sideline.

First option: Stephen Curry. Everything else on that clipboard is decoration. Sixty seconds in the huddle and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar cashes it without a single wasted dribble. Textbook.

Mbappe's complexion is grey. King Kong's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. And here is the answer to our game Bowling for Bologna! Faye Ellen Duckworth of Sweat Bee, Connecticut, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The answer was of course two, and the rest are there for confidence. Faye Ellen takes home a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore! Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

126-87 (W)

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Ball moves. Stephen Curry to Mbappe, on time and on target. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to association football player the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Perfect arc. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

No hero ball here: LeBron James takes what the defense gives and moves it along. OHHHH the separation! Stephen Curry just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. That is another catch and shoot triple for Stephen Curry, and you can see the closeouts getting more desperate every single trip.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Stephen Curry stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Under review. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. BAAAANG, make that THREE! The replay has the toe of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar clean behind the line!

Salute: sharp, military, held. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. LeBron James snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Stephen Curry punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Get that one framed. Mbappe took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

Mbappe crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Halftime! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Did you know Kareem Abdul-Jabbar entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. And now, our halftime TV game show Pawn Stars of the Neighborhood! To win a corn dog the size of a mailbox, already gone cold, text HOOPS to 555-0433 and answer this question: 'What is the average airspeed of a paper airplane thrown from the upper deck?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

The association football player just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. No good. Mbappe rushed that one.

The whistle blows, King Kong throws his hands up in protest, and the replay is going to make that argument very short.

Every single possession of that stretch goes through the association football player. Whatever the day job pays, it is not enough for this. The opposing coach is off his seat waving both arms before the ball is even inbounded. Stephen Curry forced that.

Stephen Curry gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Mbappe saw it a beat early. Stephen Curry rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Stephen Curry scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Stephen Curry throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. LeBron James grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. Screened, toasted, done. King Kong is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Textbook footwork, textbook release from King Kong, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Both coaches are up off the bench pleading while the officials walk the Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sequence back frame by frame. Late by a blink. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is going to see that frame in his sleep tonight.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and King Kong leap onto each other like kids. LeBron James comes sprinting in and crushes them both. And here is the answer to our game Pawn Stars of the Neighborhood! Bud Applewhite of Cornbread Hill, Oregon, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the average airspeed of a paper airplane thrown from the upper deck?' The answer was of course roughly one usher per second. Bud takes home a corn dog the size of a mailbox, already gone cold! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

101-107 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Philadelphia Injury-Report with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Give the man credit for the effort, because Mbappe contested that from three feet behind, which is technically a contest. Reach-in on the association football player. He tried to take the ball the way he takes everything else on the job, politely and with both hands.

Textbook two-man game: Stephen Curry keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and King Kong rolls into an open runway. Somebody show the rest of the league what the player just did on that block. Footwork straight out of 1987!

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. King Kong is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

King Kong is barking at the official, arms out, eyes wide, and there it is. The T comes flying in. King Kong would not let it go. He already had one, he knew the rule, and he kept talking anyway.

Off to the locker room. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. And now, our halftime TV game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! To win two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened, text HOOPS to 555-0405 and answer this question: 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Mbappe threw it before the help even committed. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

That is a clean blow-by on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and the help defense was nowhere in the same area code. Personal foul on the association football player. Somewhere a shift is going uncovered and not one soul in this arena cares.

The association football player just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Mbappe comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Mbappe. Cruel.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Mbappe, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Mbappe probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Watch the sell from Stephen Curry here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Stephen Curry missed that one with real conviction.

LeBron James grabs him before the ball even crosses half court. Intentional, obvious, and completely necessary.

Mbappe has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has aged ten years in forty minutes. And here is the answer to our game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! Maureen Skaggs of North Fork Elbow, Idaho, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' The answer was of course four thousand and nine, not counting the ones nobody will admit to. Maureen therefore wins two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened! Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

101-114 (L)

Tip is UP and King Kong gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

King Kong sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Stephen Curry finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Getting to his spot and elevating, King Kong puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Watch King Kong plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Stephen Curry out of that corner in a blink. HAMMER! Stephen Curry goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Off to the locker room. King Kong has already drained two water bottles. Intel: King Kong refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. And now, our halftime TV game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! To win two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened, text HOOPS to 555-0405 and answer this question: 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.

The association football player gets whistled for the swipe. Forty honest hours a week and here he is, picking pockets in front of twenty thousand witnesses.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Mbappe put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! A cruel spin-out for the association football player, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching LeBron James precisely where the play wanted it. This is the counter: LeBron James punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Watch the footwork there from Stephen Curry on the catch, squared up before the ball ever arrives. That is exactly why it goes down so clean.

The beauty of it is that Stephen Curry never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, LeBron James goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

OHHHH the pocket pass! Stephen Curry splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Mbappe threads a BEAUTY to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

The player just got left in the dust, and in fairness, that is a professional athlete he was asked to guard. Whistle! Mbappe gets him on the arm. Personal foul, nothing clever about it.

One little shoulder dip from Mbappe and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Mbappe had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

King Kong hurls his water bottle at the wall. LeBron James flinches but doesn't react. And here is the answer to our game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! Maureen Skaggs of North Fork Elbow, Idaho, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' The answer was of course four thousand and nine, not counting the ones nobody will admit to. Maureen therefore wins two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened! Evening confession: I'm wearing King Kong's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

101-107 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but King Kong winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

LeBron James lowers the shoulder, the defender was planted, and that is an offensive foul. Hand the ball back.

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Stephen Curry, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Stephen Curry, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Give and go! LeBron James gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! TRAVEL! LeBron James took the scenic route to the rim and the whistle ended the tour.

The locker room. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sprawls out full-length on the bench. Exclusive: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! To win a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone, text HOOPS to 555-0914 and answer this question: 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.

STOP AND GO! Mbappe hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. There is nothing accidental about that one. Mbappe hunted the contact, sold it, and bought himself a trip to the stripe. Two for two from the association football player, calm as a Tuesday afternoon. Whatever that job involves all day, it clearly builds very steady hands.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Watch the spacing there, Mbappe hits Stephen Curry right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The help defender committed way too early, and Stephen Curry made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. Fifth possession this half where Stephen Curry has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Stephen Curry, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Stephen Curry builds the whole thing from nothing. No screen, no help, three points.

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Stephen Curry keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

SKIP PASS! LeBron James fires it cross court to Stephen Curry and the defense is dead in the water! Stephen Curry feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. That is what heavy minutes do, Stephen Curry has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Swing, swing, and LeBron James finds Mbappe on the wing before the help can even turn its head. The association football player just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Stephen Curry launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Bad shot. Everybody in the gym knew it the second LeBron James loaded up.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's eyes are glassy. King Kong mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. And here is the answer to our game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! Lavonne Stackhouse of Grease Rag Creek, Delaware, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' The answer was of course six hundred and twelve, and most of them in the Midwest. Lavonne therefore wins a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone! I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

94-108 (L)

The press did exactly what it was drawn up to do. Mbappe panicked, the timeline did the rest, and the defense gets a turnover without stealing a thing.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and LeBron James makes it every single trip down the floor. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Mbappe did all the dirty work on that one. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Stephen Curry never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Stephen Curry is doing it the old way.

Slow walk, no expression. Stephen Curry backpedals past the Toronto Border-Patrol huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Over the top of everybody. Stephen Curry to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Unselfish basketball. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar passes up a good shot and hands LeBron James a GREAT one. LeBron James went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

First half is done. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Physio's confession: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. And now, our halftime TV game show The Bachelor of Science! To win a ceramic frog wearing tiny sunglasses and nothing else, text HOOPS to 555-0264 and answer this question: 'How tall would a stack of every whistle ever blown be?' Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and LeBron James just did it by hitting Mbappe on the back side with acres of room. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Mbappe rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about Mbappe.

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Mbappe keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The zone is set with Stephen Curry anchoring the middle of it and there is NOWHERE to go!

Full stop, full sprint, and the association football player is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Somewhere an assistant coach is throwing a clipboard, because the association football player baited that closeout from deep like a decade of film study went into it.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar does not love that call. Both hands in the air, a long look at the official, and the whistle still counts. That is what carrying five fouls into the third quarter does to you. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar never adjusted his hands, and now the coach has to improvise down the stretch.

Mbappe gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because LeBron James saw it a beat early. Mbappe turns the corner off the screen from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Buzzer on the shot clock, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Mbappe retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. AIRBALL! Mbappe missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in stride before the defense can even match up. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has all the room in the world. Down, up, and gone for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. The rim is just toying with him now.

LeBron James's complexion is grey. Mbappe's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. And here is the answer to our game The Bachelor of Science! Bonnie Faye Gulick of Windy Gap, Wyoming, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How tall would a stack of every whistle ever blown be?' The answer was of course tall enough to be a problem for airplanes. Bonnie Faye takes home a ceramic frog wearing tiny sunglasses and nothing else! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

112-99 (W)

The association football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. SPIN and GO! LeBron James pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch LeBron James walk away from it.

LeBron James crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Stephen Curry mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Here is the danger of a hot night: Stephen Curry stops taking the shots that got him going and starts taking the ones that cool him off.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how LeBron James breaks a shell down. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Stephen Curry makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Rises, releases, and LeBron James sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Set called, King Kong waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. Day job, then this: the player reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Awful shot by LeBron James with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

The players disappear. Mbappe has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Little secret: Mbappe listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And now, our halftime TV game show Card Sharks and Minnows! To win a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz, text HOOPS to 555-0209 and answer this question: 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Mbappe, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. The association football player had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Two defenders collide on the handoff and LeBron James is gone, so Stephen Curry earned that one even if the box score disagrees. LeBron James attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. LeBron James stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Mbappe pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Two points left on the floor by Mbappe, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth. LeBron James SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. The whole possession dies right there without LeBron James on the offensive glass, and instead it becomes the two easiest points of the quarter.

King Kong gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Mbappe saw it a beat early. The defender planted his feet, and King Kong said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Missed layup for the player and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Stephen Curry just gift wrapped three free throws on a heat check.

Huddle is tight, marker squeaking on the board, and Stephen Curry is already nodding before the coach finishes the sentence. That is the third time out of a timeout tonight that Mbappe has gotten a look this clean. The whiteboard is undefeated.

Mbappe pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar launches his shoe into the air. King Kong catches it. Standing ovation. And here is the answer to our game Card Sharks and Minnows! Norma Jean Slaughterbeck of Grease Rack, Indiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' The answer was of course approximately one confident toddler. Norma Jean takes home a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

106-108 (L)

Won it clean! King Kong got up and over him with room to spare.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is locked in on the other bench's best player and he has not backed up one single inch. This is what you buy the ticket for.

Over the top of everybody. Mbappe to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Whirl, and GONE! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Up goes the shot from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Stephen Curry whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Mbappe nothing.

Watch the sell from Stephen Curry here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. The ball skips around the perimeter, Mbappe finds the open man on the weak side, and Stephen Curry buries it.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Stephen Curry takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Mbappe pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Finally a breather. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Little scoop: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Layup! To win a fondue set with three forks and no instructions, text HOOPS to 555-0347 and answer this question: 'How many folding chairs fit inside a regulation basketball hoop?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Stephen Curry, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Deep. Deeper. GONE. Stephen Curry drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

This is the stretch of the night where you just feed him and get out of the way. LeBron James has found that place where the rim looks the size of a hula hoop. OHHHH, no no no! LeBron James steps into a contested step-back with eighteen on the clock and clangs it. Greedy.

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Mbappe just did it by hitting LeBron James on the back side with acres of room. Baseline spin from LeBron James at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. LeBron James gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

One hard jab step and King Kong is leaning the wrong way, and the drive goes right past his shoulder. LeBron James reaches, finds nothing but forearm, and the whistle comes right along with it.

Look at that bench, not one man seated. Mbappe had this moment circled since the walkthrough, and the shot has not even gone up. Silence. Not one sound in this building. Mbappe is still staring at that rim like it owes him an answer.

King Kong avoids the cameras like the plague. Stephen Curry gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. And here is the answer to our game show Name That Layup! Vernon Dinkins of Cold Supper, Missouri, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many folding chairs fit inside a regulation basketball hoop?' The answer was of course none, and the fact that somebody tried is the real story here. Vernon therefore wins a fondue set with three forks and no instructions! During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

92-110 (L)

Screen, pop, SPLASH! Stephen Curry kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the player, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Mbappe has all the room in the world. No touch. Mbappe left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Mbappe on time and on target. From WAY downtown off the pop! Mbappe with the extra pass and CASH. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for LeBron James, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Break! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Small detail: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. And now, our halftime TV game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! To win a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone, text HOOPS to 555-0914 and answer this question: 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Stephen Curry comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. The crowd has found its chant, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is going to be hearing it all night.

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. LeBron James just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Mbappe half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. That is what heavy minutes do, Mbappe has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and LeBron James threw it before the help even committed. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Stephen Curry lays it right on his hands in traffic! That is a dime from Mbappe that deserved so much better, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Stephen Curry! Nothing but runway to the rim! BRICK! King Kong throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Worst possession of the night for the other team, and LeBron James just turned it into three points at the stripe. Free of charge. OHHH that is a rotten one to pick up. LeBron James bumps a cutter out near the logo on a play that threatened nobody.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Clean feed from Mbappe, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Second pass beats the rotation, King Kong to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Mbappe pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

BAAAANG! Stephen Curry sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and King Kong is walking back with both hands on his head. Nobody put a body on King Kong and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. Up over the box out, and King Kong catches it clean and finishes strong through the contact. Somebody just got posterized.

King Kong leaves the court at a jog. Mbappe stays there, planted at center court, motionless. And here is the answer to our game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! Lavonne Stackhouse of Grease Rag Creek, Delaware, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' The answer was of course six hundred and twelve, and most of them in the Midwest. Lavonne therefore wins a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

91-100 (L)

King Kong times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Dribble handoff from Stephen Curry, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Kisses the biceps, one and then the other, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar strolls to the free throw line like a man on vacation. Stephen Curry fans him with a rolled-up game program. The bench is in tears. Even the guy running the game clock is grinning into his monitor.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Kareem Abdul-Jabbar precisely where the play wanted it. That is vision. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Rising into two defenders, Mbappe launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

End of the second quarter. LeBron James is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Confession: LeBron James tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And now, our halftime TV game show The Bonus Round of Regret! To win a set of curtains printed with enormous cartoon sheep, text HOOPS to 555-1224 and answer this question: 'What is the distance from the free throw line to a lifetime of regret?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Mbappe passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Nobody touched him, nobody trapped him, and Mbappe still coughed it up. Easiest whistle these officials will blow all night.

Feet were down. Mbappe drove through a brick wall, and the officials agree with the brick wall.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar goes up with the hands to the ceiling and the shot comes off the front rim. Textbook verticality. The association football player just outran an entire defense for the finish, and he clocks in for a shift in the morning. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. Mbappe points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

That block was spectacular and completely illegal. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar walks back to the huddle with his head down.

Stephen Curry kicks it over to LeBron James, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. King Kong eats the contact so LeBron James can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. That is the shot LeBron James wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The association football player just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Mbappe fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

The crew chief has the headset on, three angles on the screen, everybody in here staring at Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. No good! The ball is STILL sitting in the hand of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar when that light comes on. Waved off.

LeBron James and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. And here is the answer to our game show The Bonus Round of Regret! Homer Fussell of Poke Salad Crossing, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the distance from the free throw line to a lifetime of regret?' The answer was of course fifteen feet, same as it has always been, which is the cruel part. Homer therefore wins a set of curtains printed with enormous cartoon sheep! On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

88-115 (L)

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

LeBron James gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Mbappe saw it a beat early. Oldest play in the book, and LeBron James runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. The player had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Mbappe hands it off to King Kong, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. OHHHH! Mbappe went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Hesitate, GO. Mbappe is by that hip before the man even blinks. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Mbappe fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Mbappe rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Mbappe beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Halftime! Stephen Curry looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Little scoop: Stephen Curry tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. And now, our halftime TV game show Backyard Survivor: Aisle Nine! To win a riding mower that will only turn left, text HOOPS to 555-0384 and answer this question: 'How many raccoons live at an average county fairgrounds?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Ball moves. Mbappe to King Kong, on time and on target. Screen, hesitation, delivery, King Kong drops it off perfectly for Stephen Curry diving to the rim. Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. Stephen Curry owns the highlight reel tonight.

Kisses the biceps, one and then the other, and Stephen Curry strolls to the free throw line like a man on vacation. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar fans him with a rolled-up game program. The bench is in tears. Even the guy running the game clock is grinning into his monitor.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The association football player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. King Kong holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Kareem Abdul-Jabbar slips it to Stephen Curry right in the pocket. Surgical. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Stephen Curry has it on a string tonight.

Straight to the logo at center court, Stephen Curry plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gets driven under the rim and the offensive board goes the other way. Fresh shot clock for them.

LeBron James felt it, the bench felt it, the arena felt it, and the rim felt absolutely nothing.

Unsportsmanlike foul on the association football player. Two shots and the ball back, a steep price for a man who came here on his day off.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

A timeout is coming, it has to be, but Stephen Curry has already turned this into a personal shooting drill with an audience. Heat check from Stephen Curry, and the heat is officially OFF. Three feet behind the arc with a hand in his face.

Mbappe watches the crowd file out in silence. Stephen Curry prefers not to look. And here is the answer to our game Backyard Survivor: Aisle Nine! Roberta Klump of Pumpkin Center, Utah, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many raccoons live at an average county fairgrounds?' The answer was of course six during the day and considerably more after dark. Roberta takes home a riding mower that will only turn left! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

101-104 (L)

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Two defenders, one gap, and Mbappe finds it. Onions on that pass. LeBron James catches on the wing, jab step, spin move, and that pivot foot comes clean off the hardwood. Traveling.

Ball moves. Stephen Curry to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, on time and on target. Left, right, gone. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

The extra pass! Mbappe had the look, gave it up anyway, and LeBron James buries it. BANG! Prayer from LeBron James. Not answered.

AIRBALL! Stephen Curry missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between! You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? LeBron James treats every miss like it belongs to him. LeBron James crashes the glass, snatches that miss out of the air and hammers it home. Onions!

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. LeBron James is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

End of the second quarter. King Kong is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Anecdote: King Kong once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Is Broken! To win a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip, text HOOPS to 555-0781 and answer this question: 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Kick out to Stephen Curry, one more to King Kong, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. The player misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Mbappe has all the room in the world. Runner in the lane by Mbappe, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Mbappe watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. The player just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. The player gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Mbappe breaks a shell down. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from LeBron James, and not one single soul could do anything about it. The crowd has found its chant, and LeBron James is going to be hearing it all night.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. One hard step and LeBron James owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. OHHHH that is SILKY! LeBron James with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

LeBron James deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. King Kong arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

Entire arena on its feet for the player. Whatever comes next, that man tells this story for the rest of his life. The horn goes off while the ball is still spinning on the iron, and King Kong watches it drop away. Brutal, absolutely brutal.

Stephen Curry's gaze is cold, distant. Mbappe's gaze is hot, angry. And here is the answer to our game show The Gong Show Is Broken! Gwendolyn Pyle of Half Moon Gulch, Montana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The answer was of course somewhere between four and nineteen minutes, depending on the score. Gwendolyn therefore wins a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip! During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

93-113 (L)

The player just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Stephen Curry launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. King Kong pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. From eight feet King Kong puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Stephen Curry makes it every single trip down the floor. The association football player just caught a lob at the top of the rim and hammered it! That is nowhere in the job description!

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and LeBron James just did it by hitting Mbappe on the back side with acres of room. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A association football player making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Count it AND the foul! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar refused to be denied at the rim.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! King Kong walks head down toward the tunnel. Anecdote: King Kong threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! To win a garden gnome missing both arms, text HOOPS to 555-0712 and answer this question: 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Stephen Curry gives it up to LeBron James on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. LeBron James blows the wide open layup!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Cross court, on a rope, from the association football player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Not an inch to spare on the endline, but LeBron James keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and LeBron James has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

POCKET PASS! LeBron James threads it to Mbappe between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Blocked into the floor. Mbappe will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Pass, skip, reversal, pass again. King Kong shifts with every single one of them and the possession ends in a contested fadeaway. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar tips the pass, hits the floor after it, and comes up out of the pile with possession.

Shot clock down to two, Stephen Curry throws up a prayer from twenty six feet, and it is not answered. Shot clock at one, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Inbounds pass and Mbappe is on him instantly, two hands on the jersey, whistle. The clock freezes at nineteen point four.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar walks toward the tunnel without a word. Mbappe stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. And here is the answer to our game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! Travis Wayne Trundle of Hardtack, Indiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' The answer was of course the grandmother, by a margin researchers declined to publish. Travis Wayne therefore wins a garden gnome missing both arms! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

84-128 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Four on five while Kareem Abdul-Jabbar lies there waiting on a whistle that is never coming. That is the real cost of the flop.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Two guys on the exact same page, Mbappe and King Kong, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Rim out for Mbappe, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

LeBron James stopped the break and started a much bigger problem. Two free throws, the ball right back, and the officials heading to the monitor.

Halftime! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Confession: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! To win a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn, text HOOPS to 555-0629 and answer this question: 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Mbappe crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Mbappe is walking back with both hands on his head.

Swing, swing, and LeBron James finds Mbappe on the wing before the help can even turn its head. No roll this time. Mbappe swings it right back to LeBron James above the break, and it is PURE. That stepback is unguardable once the drive gets sold, and LeBron James has had that defender guessing wrong all night long.

LeBron James does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with King Kong that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The defense keeps turning contested looks by Stephen Curry into free points. STOP REACHING. Look, it happens to everybody at some point. It does not usually happen with a full arena watching Stephen Curry do it in slow motion.

Third one of these from Stephen Curry this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore. OFFENSIVE GLASS! Mbappe beats three men to the spot! The association football player just went up over everybody and put that miss back with two hands. That is a night he tells his grandkids about!

Ice in the veins: Mbappe taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Stephen Curry threw it before the help even committed. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Mbappe spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! AIRBALL! Mbappe missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

BACKCOURT! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar crossed the timeline, then went right back over it. Possession gone.

The strategy of the desperate, executed to perfection by Stephen Curry. Foul, stop the clock, pray at the other end, repeat.

King Kong takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar follows the same path. And here is the answer to our game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! Junior Applewhite of Gravy Bend, South Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' The answer was of course always 4:17, a time that has never done anybody any good. Junior therefore wins a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.