My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

89-133 (L)

A cut with that timing from the conspiracy theorist? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. REJECTED! Charlie Kirk takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Charlie Kirk gives it up to Sheldon Cooper on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Sheldon Cooper blows the wide open layup!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Charlie Kirk has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching CaseOh precisely where the play wanted it. The help defender committed way too early, and CaseOh made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. The crowd has found its chant, and CaseOh is going to be hearing it all night.

Break! Walter White grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Confession: Walter White calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! To win a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot, text HOOPS to 555-0173 and answer this question: 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.

The chemist makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A tv host making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Clang. Charlie Kirk wants that one back.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The chemist just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The conspiracy theorist just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Nobody drew up that arc. The conspiracy theorist floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Bonnie Blue breaks a shell down. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Sheldon Cooper. Buzzer on the shot clock, Sheldon Cooper heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The extra pass! Charlie Kirk had the look, gave it up anyway, and CaseOh buries it. BANG! Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot CaseOh should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Bonnie Blue makes it every single trip down the floor. The chemist just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. The tv host just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! BANG! Walter White steps back, creates the daylight, and buries it right in the defender's eye.

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. Walter White holds it three seconds. Bonnie Blue applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and Walter White collects every last one.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Walter White comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! That is a dime from Charlie Kirk that deserved so much better, and Walter White knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Watch how they bury Charlie Kirk in the corner on the inbound. Nothing happens until he moves, and by then the defense is beaten. BANG! Exactly the play on the clipboard: Charlie Kirk to Sheldon Cooper, catch and rise.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Sheldon Cooper is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

CaseOh turns back to look at the court one last time. Bonnie Blue doesn't turn around. And here is the answer to our game Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! Harlan Spivey of Bent Fender, Montana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' The answer was of course a blessing, and the whole gym has to be re-blessed. Harlan takes home a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot! I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

89-133 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Sheldon Cooper winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Somebody explain how the conspiracy theorist reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Sheldon Cooper pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Sheldon Cooper has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Emotions boiled over and Sheldon Cooper pays for it, because he was the one still swinging when the cameras found the pile.

Both teams head to the locker room. Sheldon Cooper wipes his forehead with his jersey. Fun fact: Sheldon Cooper got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Is Broken! To win a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip, text HOOPS to 555-0781 and answer this question: 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.

Charlie Kirk launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Hard drive, hard stop, and CaseOh retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, CaseOh fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Even the digital transformation consultant knows better than that. You do not get to walk your man into the paint and call it a pick.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Charlie Kirk holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Bonnie Blue flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the tv host and quietly turning off the TV.

Somebody get the researcher a rim protection bonus! Clocks out at five, guarding the paint by seven. This league is a wonderful place.

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Charlie Kirk, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Charlie Kirk rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Bonnie Blue kicks it over to CaseOh, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. They do not teach that in the digital transformation consultant handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Charlie Kirk and Sheldon Cooper just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed Charlie Kirk would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

Charlie Kirk throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Walter White grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

One tick left, Walter White rises over the outstretched hand of the defender and buries it. Unreal. Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the chemist in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. Two celebrations for the price of one: the shot fell, the monitor agreed, and Walter White owns this night.

Walter White cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Bonnie Blue joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

Walter White's eyes are glassy. Bonnie Blue mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. And here is the answer to our game show The Gong Show Is Broken! Gwendolyn Pyle of Half Moon Gulch, Montana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The answer was of course somewhere between four and nineteen minutes, depending on the score. Gwendolyn therefore wins a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

74-119 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! CaseOh rips it out of the air and we are off.

No hero ball here: Charlie Kirk takes what the defense gives and moves it along. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Bonnie Blue left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Rising up out of the corner, Bonnie Blue sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

You cannot touch it inside the cylinder, and CaseOh touched it inside the cylinder. Handed over, no receipt.

Bonnie Blue turns and points at his teammates, and the entire bench comes up as one. The chemist just blocked a jump shot into the stands and went back on defense like it was a normal Tuesday.

Back in the locker room, Sheldon Cooper sits down and stares at the ceiling. I've been told Sheldon Cooper once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Is Broken! To win a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip, text HOOPS to 555-0781 and answer this question: 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

OHHHH Charlie Kirk is UNCONSCIOUS right now! Four straight possessions, four straight buckets! The conspiracy theorist hit three straight and immediately decided he was allowed to shoot from the tunnel. He was not.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Walter White gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Bonnie Blue saw it a beat early. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Walter White, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Walter White is walking back with both hands on his head.

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Cross court, on a rope, from the tv host. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Charlie Kirk, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Charlie Kirk beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Charlie Kirk already has the defense a full step behind. Bonnie Blue sets it and slides out instead of rolling, CaseOh finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Rises, releases, and Bonnie Blue sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

The conspiracy theorist just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the researcher made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. OHHHH the FADEAWAY! Sheldon Cooper rises over the defender and it falls through.

Hands out, palms up, Sheldon Cooper shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. Charlie Kirk is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the tv host. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. Sixty seconds in the huddle and Walter White cashes it without a single wasted dribble. Textbook.

Chest bump so violent that Walter White and Sheldon Cooper both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Charlie Kirk looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Bonnie Blue looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. And here is the answer to our game show The Gong Show Is Broken! Gwendolyn Pyle of Half Moon Gulch, Montana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The answer was of course somewhere between four and nineteen minutes, depending on the score. Gwendolyn therefore wins a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip! Tonight I had a revelation: Bonnie Blue runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

79-124 (L)

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Late rotation from Sheldon Cooper, he arrives half a beat behind the drive and the contact is obvious to everybody in the building.

Push the pace! Charlie Kirk grabs it and hits CaseOh in stride before the defense can even match up. A digital transformation consultant breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! The ball skips around the perimeter, Charlie Kirk finds the open man on the weak side, and CaseOh buries it.

Down by the baseline, CaseOh points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Bonnie Blue is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Philadelphia Injury-Report coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Charlie Kirk controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Bonnie Blue has all the room in the world. A cruel spin-out for the tv host, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Over the top of everybody. Charlie Kirk to CaseOh in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Screened, toasted, done. CaseOh is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Fifth possession this half where CaseOh has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

The players head to the locker room. Walter White is sweating like a racehorse. Little scoop: Walter White collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a lifetime supply of expired coupons, text HOOPS to 555-0142 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

CaseOh rises up and REJECTS the layup off the glass, and now he is barking at the whole building about it.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Philadelphia Injury-Report, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Charlie Kirk drops it off to CaseOh on time and on target. The digital transformation consultant reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. So close. CaseOh can only stare at the iron.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Charlie Kirk just did it by hitting Bonnie Blue on the back side with acres of room. Sheldon Cooper eats the contact so Bonnie Blue can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Catch on the block, shoulder into the chest, one dribble, and Bonnie Blue finishes over the top. Textbook.

Straight to the logo at center court, Bonnie Blue plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

SPIN and GO! Bonnie Blue pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! OHHHH! Bonnie Blue went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Dribble handoff from Charlie Kirk, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, Walter White panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

The researcher got moved off the block like a folding chair. That is a grown man's job down there.

Charlie Kirk collapses into the first available chair. Bonnie Blue stays standing, eyes glazed over. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Misfortune! Darlene Puckett of Lower Buttermilk, Kansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' The answer was of course four hundred and six, and the coach has never spoken of it since. Darlene takes home a lifetime supply of expired coupons! Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

98-120 (L)

The tv host just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? The chemist just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

The tv host pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Blocked into the floor. Bonnie Blue will be seeing that one in his sleep.

OHHHH that is filthy! Charlie Kirk on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Two points left on the floor by Walter White, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

BAAAANG! Ten straight for Charlie Kirk and this place is a volcano! Whistle. Timeout. Bonnie Blue just broke them in half.

Back to the locker room. Bonnie Blue punches her locker. Rumor has it Bonnie Blue has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. And now, our halftime TV game show Grand Prize Giveaway Extravaganza Deluxe! To win a wood chipper rated exclusively for grass clippings, text HOOPS to 555-1263 and answer this question: 'How many people in this country are named after a basketball game?' The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

The conspiracy theorist just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the tv host! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Charlie Kirk threw it before the help even committed. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Charlie Kirk is gone, so Walter White earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Somebody show the rest of the league what the conspiracy theorist just did on that block. Footwork straight out of 1987!

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between CaseOh and an assistant coach who both want to hug Charlie Kirk first. Charlie Kirk lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Clean feed from Charlie Kirk, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. The chemist pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Sheldon Cooper launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Full stop, full sprint, and the conspiracy theorist is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. That is the shot chart lying to you. Charlie Kirk did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Total control. Charlie Kirk has this thing on a string. Ball into Sheldon Cooper at the elbow, CaseOh plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. The digital transformation consultant just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Screen, pop, SPLASH! Charlie Kirk kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. The digital transformation consultant misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Charlie Kirk unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Bonnie Blue runs a hand down her face. And here is the answer to our game show Grand Prize Giveaway Extravaganza Deluxe! Ezra Bottomley of Grand Prairie Elbow, California, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many people in this country are named after a basketball game?' The answer was of course four thousand two hundred, and a suspicious number of them were born nine months after a title run. Ezra therefore wins a wood chipper rated exclusively for grass clippings! On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Bonnie Blue. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

81-126 (L)

Set called, Sheldon Cooper waved out to the corner, and Charlie Kirk watches the spacing open up like a front door. Whirl, and GONE! Sheldon Cooper leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Oh my. Sheldon Cooper did not even draw iron.

Swing, swing, and Bonnie Blue finds Sheldon Cooper on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Left, right, gone. Sheldon Cooper put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Long miss from the researcher and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Laser from Bonnie Blue, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. A cut with that timing from the conspiracy theorist? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Missed layup for the conspiracy theorist and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Cut! Halftime. Charlie Kirk's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Exclusive: Charlie Kirk was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show Big Brother-in-Law! To win a novelty license plate that spells HOTDOG incorrectly, text HOOPS to 555-0296 and answer this question: 'How many pockets can cargo shorts have before they legally become furniture?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

The tv host just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Bonnie Blue probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

Ice in the veins: Bonnie Blue taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Throwing a shoulder into the defender like he is boarding a crowded train, Sheldon Cooper gets whistled for contact he never needed.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Reach-in on Walter White. He wanted the steal, he bought a foul.

Under review. CaseOh does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. The digital transformation consultant sells it at the monitor and gets the ball back. In that trade you learn early that confidence beats evidence.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Bonnie Blue rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Bonnie Blue.

Ice in the veins: Bonnie Blue taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

You can read it in the body language. Charlie Kirk has ice in his veins right now, the shot clock does not scare him, nothing does tonight. Nobody told the conspiracy theorist that a hot hand expires, and there he is launching from thirty feet with a defender draped all over him. Back to work.

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Charlie Kirk walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Hesitate, GO. Bonnie Blue is by that hip before the man even blinks. The tv host gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

CaseOh kicks his towel across the floor. Walter White has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game Big Brother-in-Law! Peggy Ann Hollifield of Sassafras Gap, South Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many pockets can cargo shorts have before they legally become furniture?' The answer was of course eleven, and at twelve you have to register them with the county. Peggy Ann takes home a novelty license plate that spells HOTDOG incorrectly! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

88-132 (L)

Give and go! Walter White gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! That is twice tonight Walter White has tried to create with the dribble already dead, and this league does not reward that.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the conspiracy theorist, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Walter White whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Two guys on the exact same page, Charlie Kirk and Walter White, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. The conspiracy theorist just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Watch the change of pace from Bonnie Blue, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. That is the shot Bonnie Blue wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Halftime! Walter White has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Did you know Walter White knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Toronto Border-Patrol's colors. By accident, obviously. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! To win a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting, text HOOPS to 555-0975 and answer this question: 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Bonnie Blue stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Awful shot by Bonnie Blue with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

SKIP PASS! Walter White fires it cross court to Sheldon Cooper and the defense is dead in the water! OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Sheldon Cooper never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! No touch. Sheldon Cooper left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

The drive gets a step, Sheldon Cooper stays down, waits for the release, and hammers it off the glass. The pass is the play here. Sheldon Cooper never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. The chemist just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Walter White roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Bonnie Blue does not love that call. Both hands in the air, a long look at the official, and the whistle still counts.

Sheldon Cooper did that, and now the loudest twelve people in this arena are all wearing the same uniform he is. Nobody gambles less and steals more than Walter White. He does not reach, he anticipates, and that is the whole difference.

Three guys in warmups are halfway onto the floor celebrating what Charlie Kirk just did, and an official has to wave them back to their seats.

The chemist makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Charlie Kirk crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Wide open at the top of the key and Charlie Kirk cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition.

Charlie Kirk sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Bonnie Blue has her head in her hands. And here is the answer to our game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! Leonard Skidmore of Tumbleweed Alley, Arizona, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' The answer was of course that nobody knows, and the janitors have agreed to stop asking. Leonard therefore wins a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting! Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

77-117 (L)

The beauty of it is that Charlie Kirk never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Sheldon Cooper put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater. The researcher outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. OHHHH he went and GOT that! Sheldon Cooper with the putback jam over two bodies.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Sheldon Cooper stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

GET THAT OUTTA HERE! Sheldon Cooper meets that jumper at the top of its flight and spikes it into the sideline. Everything starts with that release, Sheldon Cooper hitting CaseOh in full flight before the defense has even turned around. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! CaseOh scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Hands out, palms up, CaseOh shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. Walter White is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Bonnie Blue passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Third one of these from Bonnie Blue this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

End of the first half. Walter White is beet red but still standing. Anecdote: Walter White fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. And now, our halftime TV game show Hee Haw Halftime Hoedown! To win a stack of TV listings magazines from the winter of 1986, text HOOPS to 555-0466 and answer this question: 'How many gallons of sweat does an average pep band produce?' The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A conspiracy theorist making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. That is a forced shot from the chemist that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The conspiracy theorist is running this zone like he has been drawing it up his entire life. Wrong career, my friend, absolutely the wrong career. NOT A CHANCE! Walter White came flying at that pull-up and DELETED it!

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Cross court, on a rope, from the conspiracy theorist. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Walter White gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. The researcher hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The conspiracy theorist just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Day job, then this: the chemist reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Rim out for Charlie Kirk, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

The tv host just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Bonnie Blue missed that one with real conviction.

The researcher gets whistled for the swipe. Forty honest hours a week and here he is, picking pockets in front of twenty thousand witnesses. Foul trouble is a chess match and Sheldon Cooper just lost a piece. Three before the break changes how this team defends the pick and roll.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Sheldon Cooper waits with both hands on top of his head. The researcher is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

Sheldon Cooper and CaseOh share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. And here is the answer to our game Hee Haw Halftime Hoedown! Trudy Gebhardt of Sauerkraut Bend, North Dakota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many gallons of sweat does an average pep band produce?' The answer was of course just under four, and most of it from the tuba section. Trudy takes home a stack of TV listings magazines from the winter of 1986! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

73-118 (L)

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The chemist makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Off the pin-down comes the tv host with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. The tv host just created that shot from scratch and drained it. Not bad for somebody clocking in at a real job tomorrow morning.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

You could hear the whole building groan, and Walter White knew it the second the ball left his fingers, already jogging back on defense.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Off to the locker room. Charlie Kirk has already drained two water bottles. Confession: Charlie Kirk tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And now, our halftime TV game show Tic-Tac-Dough-Nut! To win a decorative outhouse birdhouse with no hole in it, text HOOPS to 555-0367 and answer this question: 'What time is it inside a microwave that has said 12:00 for eleven years?' We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.

The conspiracy theorist is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Walter White just took a shoulder to the chest to buy CaseOh half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. That is what heavy minutes do, CaseOh has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

That is a clean blow-by on Sheldon Cooper, and the help defense was nowhere in the same area code. Two on the board for the visitors, and Charlie Kirk knows it before the officials even get their hands up.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Charlie Kirk the moment he crosses half court. Shot clock at one, and Charlie Kirk just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

POCKET PASS! Bonnie Blue threads it to CaseOh between two bodies and the rim is wide open! CaseOh had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Charlie Kirk drops it off to Bonnie Blue on time and on target. Bonnie Blue hands it off to Charlie Kirk, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Bonnie Blue nothing.

Both benches are up, jerseys are getting pulled, and three teammates are dragging CaseOh toward half court.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Walter White passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. OHHHH what a FINISH from Walter White! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Charlie Kirk already has the defense a full step behind. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to digital transformation consultant the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. BRICK! Walter White throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Walter White stares at the floor while CaseOh mutters something inaudible under his breath. And here is the answer to our game Tic-Tac-Dough-Nut! Cletus Vandersnoot of Half Moon Ditch, Iowa, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What time is it inside a microwave that has said 12:00 for eleven years?' The answer was of course whatever time the power went out in 1994. Cletus takes home a decorative outhouse birdhouse with no hole in it! On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

83-127 (L)

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Court vision like that on the chemist is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. A jump hook over a grown professional defender, from the conspiracy theorist? That is the most unexpected fundamentals clinic of the night.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Charlie Kirk strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Walter White carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

NO! CaseOh fouls a shooter behind the arc. Three free throws. That is malpractice. The digital transformation consultant is in foul trouble already! Whatever hands-on skills that job teaches, none of them are legal in this league.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the chemist, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. The conspiracy theorist just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Walter White cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Break! Walter White heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Fun fact: Walter White blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! To win a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting, text HOOPS to 555-0975 and answer this question: 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' Break's over, the players take their positions.

Charlie Kirk walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Walter White does. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Walter White, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

OHHHH the pocket pass! Charlie Kirk splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on CaseOh. Cruel.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ball moves. Bonnie Blue to CaseOh, on time and on target. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from CaseOh. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the digital transformation consultant, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Charlie Kirk pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the conspiracy theorist goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Watch the sell from Charlie Kirk here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Charlie Kirk lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

A full spin move through traffic from the conspiracy theorist! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Prayer from Charlie Kirk. Not answered.

You do not need a scholarship to figure that one out. The researcher just stopped the clock the way people have been stopping clocks in gyms for sixty years.

Charlie Kirk presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Bonnie Blue walks right past without noticing. And here is the answer to our game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! Leonard Skidmore of Tumbleweed Alley, Arizona, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' The answer was of course that nobody knows, and the janitors have agreed to stop asking. Leonard therefore wins a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

80-124 (L)

CaseOh times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Watch the spacing there, Walter White hits Charlie Kirk right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Screen, hesitation, delivery, Charlie Kirk drops it off perfectly for Sheldon Cooper diving to the rim. Shot clock at one, and Sheldon Cooper just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Bonnie Blue kicks it over to Sheldon Cooper, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Sheldon Cooper did all the dirty work on that one. The tv host lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession.

OHHHH the separation! Bonnie Blue just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Heat check for Bonnie Blue and it is GOOD. He is COOKING, and this building knows exactly what it is watching.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Charlie Kirk walks head down toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Charlie Kirk is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. And now, our halftime TV game show Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! To win a bowling trophy from a league that never existed, text HOOPS to 555-0192 and answer this question: 'What is the flavor of blue?' The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The conspiracy theorist is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Bonnie Blue put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! Bonnie Blue attacks the paint, absorbs the bump, twists his body all the way around the defender and reverses it in. FILTHY.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Bonnie Blue is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Kick out to Walter White, one more to Sheldon Cooper, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Sheldon Cooper drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Second pass beats the rotation, Walter White to Bonnie Blue, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Missed layup for the tv host and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Somebody explain how the conspiracy theorist reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. A cut with that timing from the chemist? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Walter White, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

STOP AND GO! Bonnie Blue hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Bonnie Blue is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Walter White has known that all night long. Here comes Sheldon Cooper sprinting off the elbow. Charlie Kirk slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. The researcher had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Sheldon Cooper walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Walter White drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! Elmer Tunstall of Split Rail, Vermont, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the flavor of blue?' The answer was of course blue, which has been blue since 1968 and nobody has improved on it. Elmer takes home a bowling trophy from a league that never existed! During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

79-124 (L)

Tip goes to the researcher, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Bonnie Blue kicks it over to Charlie Kirk, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. GONE down the baseline! Charlie Kirk beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. The conspiracy theorist gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Watch CaseOh plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Charlie Kirk out of that corner in a blink. Charlie Kirk gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Halftime. Bonnie Blue throws her towel on the floor walking in. I've been told Bonnie Blue always puts her left shoe on first. The one day she switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show Hee Haw Halftime Hoedown! To win a stack of TV listings magazines from the winter of 1986, text HOOPS to 555-0466 and answer this question: 'How many gallons of sweat does an average pep band produce?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

You want to know why this defense holds up? CaseOh finishes possessions. One shot and out, every single time. CaseOh grabs it, turns, and slings a one-hander three quarters of the floor. Filthy. The researcher just outran an entire defense for the finish, and he clocks in for a shift in the morning. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Sheldon Cooper is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Over the top of everybody. Bonnie Blue to Charlie Kirk in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. A single dribble is all Charlie Kirk needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. BANG is what Charlie Kirk was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Charlie Kirk controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Nobody in this building saw that cut coming except the chemist, and you cannot teach that kind of feel in any line of work. Somebody check that job title again: the chemist hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Cross court, on a rope, from the tv host. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Down screen, and CaseOh curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Down, up, and gone for CaseOh. The rim is just toying with him now.

The defender planted his feet, and Charlie Kirk said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. The conspiracy theorist launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Charlie Kirk has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching CaseOh precisely where the play wanted it. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on CaseOh, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, CaseOh goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on CaseOh. Brutal for the digital transformation consultant, who owned the shot of a lifetime for about ninety seconds. Back to the day job with nothing but the story.

Charlie Kirk shakes CaseOh's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. And here is the answer to our game Hee Haw Halftime Hoedown! Trudy Gebhardt of Sauerkraut Bend, North Dakota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many gallons of sweat does an average pep band produce?' The answer was of course just under four, and most of it from the tuba section. Trudy takes home a stack of TV listings magazines from the winter of 1986! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

79-124 (L)

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Sheldon Cooper gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Bonnie Blue saw it a beat early. Textbook two-man game: Sheldon Cooper keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Walter White rolls into an open runway. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Walter White, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Court vision like that on the conspiracy theorist is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. Walter White had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Set called, Bonnie Blue waved out to the corner, and Charlie Kirk watches the spacing open up like a front door. OHHHH the pin-down! Bonnie Blue pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Charlie Kirk. Brutal. The tv host had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

The players disappear. CaseOh has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Small detail: CaseOh whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! To win a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong, text HOOPS to 555-0066 and answer this question: 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.

One little shoulder dip from Charlie Kirk and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Getting to his spot and elevating, Charlie Kirk puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

OHHHH the hesi! Charlie Kirk froze him solid and he is already gone! Deep. Deeper. GONE. Charlie Kirk drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Charlie Kirk freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Boston Ring-Chasers coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Bucket for bucket! Sheldon Cooper answers, the other guy answers right back, and nobody is blinking!

Total control. Charlie Kirk has this thing on a string. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, CaseOh gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. A cruel spin-out for the digital transformation consultant, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The conspiracy theorist tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job. The shot is short, and Sheldon Cooper is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. Sheldon Cooper crashes the glass, snatches that miss out of the air and hammers it home. Onions!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

SKIP PASS! Walter White fires it cross court to Charlie Kirk and the defense is dead in the water! Dribble handoff from Charlie Kirk, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Pull-up from the elbow by Sheldon Cooper, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the chemist, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Sheldon Cooper drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Charlie Kirk rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Sheldon Cooper kicks his towel across the floor. CaseOh has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! Wanda Sue Beezley of Rooster Comb, South Dakota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' The answer was of course forty-one, and three of them open nothing at all. Wanda Sue takes home a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

84-128 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Nobody is touching the paint with the researcher parked in the middle of it. That is a full time defender doing a part time job, or the other way around. OHHHH, Sheldon Cooper just took that thing right out of his hands!

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The conspiracy theorist is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. The tv host just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Bonnie Blue gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

Ice in the veins: Bonnie Blue taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Bonnie Blue makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Somebody show the rest of the league what the researcher just did on that block. Footwork straight out of 1987!

Halftime. Walter White is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Small detail: Walter White whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. And now, our halftime TV game show Three in a Row Probably! To win a crock pot with the lid from a completely different crock pot, text HOOPS to 555-0607 and answer this question: 'What happens to the air inside a basketball left in a truck overnight?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

That is a possession thrown away. Sheldon Cooper watched the flight of the ball instead of finding a body, and it cost two.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Unselfish basketball. Bonnie Blue passes up a good shot and hands CaseOh a GREAT one. Missed layup for the digital transformation consultant and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Charlie Kirk has known that all night long. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Bonnie Blue slips it to Walter White right in the pocket. Surgical. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Walter White is walking back with both hands on his head.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

CaseOh gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Walter White saw it a beat early. Lazy one-hander from CaseOh through the middle of the floor, and the defender did not even have to leave his feet to take it.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Walter White goes fishing at the point of attack, the ball handler feels the hand on his elbow, and the arm goes straight up. Fourth foul on the chemist and he is headed for the bench. Longest break the man has had since he took that job.

Walter White launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Dribble handoff from Sheldon Cooper, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! A cruel spin-out for the tv host, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Bonnie Blue grabs him before the ball even crosses half court. Intentional, obvious, and completely necessary.

Walter White turns back to look at the court one last time. CaseOh doesn't turn around. And here is the answer to our game show Three in a Row Probably! Colleen Hackenberg of Rusty Nail, Pennsylvania, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What happens to the air inside a basketball left in a truck overnight?' The answer was of course it becomes a slightly smaller basketball, and everybody in the gym agrees to say nothing about it. Colleen therefore wins a crock pot with the lid from a completely different crock pot! While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

78-123 (L)

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Charlie Kirk has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Walter White precisely where the play wanted it. Oldest play in the book, and Walter White runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! CaseOh cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Hold everything, they are going to the replay on CaseOh, and this building has stopped breathing. Even the digital transformation consultant knows how to work a review. Hands up, palms out, best innocent face in the building, and it worked.

Watch the spacing there, Walter White hits Bonnie Blue right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The tv host runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Nobody expects touch like that from the chemist, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Walter White is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Walter White punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Runner in the lane by Charlie Kirk, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

The too-small gesture, aimed straight at the Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest bench, both hands measuring an inch of air. Their coach is out of his chair and onto the officials. Charlie Kirk keeps the pose, unblinking, backpedaling all the way. The arena hits a decibel level that clips the broadcast mics.

Intermission. Bonnie Blue dumps an entire water bottle over her head. Fun fact: Bonnie Blue is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. And now, our halftime TV game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! To win a bathrobe that is technically a curtain, text HOOPS to 555-0827 and answer this question: 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

The conspiracy theorist pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Charlie Kirk he is on the wrong end of it.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The chemist just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. They do not teach that in the researcher handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Walter White!

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Walter White kicks it over to CaseOh, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. The digital transformation consultant turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. CaseOh beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Shot clock violation! Charlie Kirk owns the nail, the middle is a no fly zone, and that possession just expired in their hands. He tried to rise over CaseOh. That was a mistake, and the ball is now several rows deep.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Bonnie Blue gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Charlie Kirk saw it a beat early. Baseline wide open. Bonnie Blue said thank you. That is the shot chart lying to you. Bonnie Blue did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Careless. Sheldon Cooper had the entire frontcourt open in front of him and chose to reverse into a violation.

Sheldon Cooper refuses the coach's embrace. CaseOh accepts it but his body is stiff. And here is the answer to our game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! Bernice Chadwick of Cabbage Patch Corners, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' The answer was of course two million and change, and not one pair matches. Bernice therefore wins a bathrobe that is technically a curtain! Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Sheldon Cooper's name. Forgive me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'