My dream soccer team — football_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Players diving for every ball, even the lost causes. Victor Wembanyama sprinting sixty yards to come up for a header, last chance saloon. What a LEAP from Michael Jackson! He climbs higher than anyone on the delivery from Shams Charania and scores with his head. GOAL!

Full moonwalk from Victor Wembanyama, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Usain Bolt does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Victor Wembanyama applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

GOAAAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Victor Wembanyama unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Michael Jackson makes a heart sign with his hands. Victor Wembanyama finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Michael Jackson plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Yellow card for the philanthropist, unsporting behaviour that sets a terrible example from that role. Free kick from Michael Jackson delivered with pace, IShowSpeed finds himself in space at the far post. Aerial duel won by the rapper, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

Iron defense, every ball cleared with authority. The basketball player climbs and gathers the cross with both hands. In that position, that authority is what makes the difference in the big matches. Victor Wembanyama plays it short to Kevin Hart, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. WHAT A FINGERTIP SAVE from the basketball player! That kind of keeper saves you three points all on his own. Victor Wembanyama rolls it short to Michael Jackson into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Iron Man. And you, Usain Bolt. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. The lads in the dressing room have revealed that Lionel Messi is obsessed with collecting those little Monopoly stickers from McDonald's. Last year he had four Park Lanes and no Mayfairs. Nearly had a breakdown. Standing at 169, the man has never looked so defeated. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' The gaffer gives Fabrizio Romano one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Fabrizio Romano runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

The sports journalist reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. What a STRIIIIKE from Shams Charania! Arrowing towards goal, on target but the keeper produces an absolute worldie! Corner cleared, the sports journalist finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly.

The basketball player finds Michael Jackson with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Michael Jackson finds IShowSpeed between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Ball in behind from the rapper, Barack Obama is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own.

IShowSpeed powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. The rapper goes down looking for a penalty, but the referee waves play on. Nothing doing. The ref flashes yellow at IShowSpeed, that dive was an insult to everyone's intelligence. The free kick from IShowSpeed clears the defence and finds Dwayne Johnson in the danger area.

Usain Bolt lays it off first time to Lionel Messi, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. The timing is everything: Lionel Messi releases the ball at the perfect moment and Fabrizio Romano explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Fabrizio Romano winds up the right foot and LEEEEETS FLY! On target, heading top bins but the keeper claws it out!

Corner from Iron Man, Kevin Hart throws himself at it and heads it but it goes past the right post. Massive clearance from the superhero under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Good ball from Kevin Hart to IShowSpeed, playing it quick between the lines. Rapid combination: IShowSpeed to Dwayne Johnson, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

Short corner from the superhero to Shams Charania, fine tactical intelligence. In that role, knowing when to cross and when to play short makes all the difference. The sports journalist finds Lionel Messi along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Lionel Messi aims for Barack Obama but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move.

Level score. Victor Wembanyama screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Usain Bolt boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

The community organizer finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Lionel Messi clean through. Pure genius from that position. GOOOAL for Lionel Messi! Not the prettiest goal in the world but it is in! Striker's instinct, GOAL!

Barack Obama scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Shams Charania is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Victor Wembanyama launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Michael Jackson after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Michael Jackson wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Dwayne Johnson. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. GOOOAL! Michael Jackson climbs to perfection on the cross from Iron Man and propels the ball into the net. The keeper beaten by an imperial header!

Victor Wembanyama weaves through México No-Era-Penal's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Shams Charania screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Heroic low block, every single player at his post. What positioning from Usain Bolt! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff.

Iron Man floats his free kick into the area, Lionel Messi is there for the header. The cross from Lionel Messi is cut out at the near post, the defender read it perfectly. Corner from Dwayne Johnson, the defence heads it clear, the ball is punted well away from the box.

Fabrizio Romano hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Short pass from the rapper to Lionel Messi, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Victor Wembanyama is FaceTiming {his} mum to tell her about the goal. The gaffer walks past: "Tell her she raised a good one." The dressing room cracks up. Iron Man leans in and waves at the camera. It is all smiles and good vibes in here. The kind of halftime where you do not want to change a thing. Despite the wages, Kevin Hart insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 47 and 165, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Leave the Roundabout! To win a sat nav that actually understands the Swindon magic roundabout, text 5789 and answer: 'How many times must you go around a roundabout before you are legally allowed to give up and go home?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Dwayne Johnson is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Unbelievable! México No-Era-Penal score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Usain Bolt throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Fantastic surging run from Usain Bolt, he sets off from his own half and charges towards goal.

Usain Bolt sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Barack Obama is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. JUST WIIIIIDE from Barack Obama! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. The rapper shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Lionel Messi. Pure quality, as per usual.

Victor Wembanyama goes long for Lionel Messi, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Lionel Messi sends an aerial beauty to Dwayne Johnson, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Dwayne Johnson takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Dwayne Johnson blocks the run of the opponent, uses the body well but the ref says no. The free kick is played as a short pass by Dwayne Johnson, Kevin Hart picks it up and drives forward.

Textbook tackle from Fabrizio Romano there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Fabrizio Romano clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Enormous anticipation from Fabrizio Romano who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Fabrizio Romano gifts Barack Obama a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Barack Obama fires wide, not far from the post though!

Proper mad match, nobody's catching their breath out there. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Michael Jackson sends Usain Bolt into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere. Blistering run from Usain Bolt on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up.

It's all over and it's OURS! Barack Obama leads the squad on a lap of honour, clapping every section of the ground. Victor Wembanyama picks up a scarf thrown from the stands and wears it like a medal. The stewards have given up trying to keep order. Beautiful chaos. Norman from Swindon says three full rotations is the legal maximum and after that you must simply accept your fate. Sat nav for Norman! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

Rainbow flick from Michael Jackson, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. GOOOOAL solo from Michael Jackson! He beats everyone in his path and sends the ball into the net. SUMPTUOUS!

Michael Jackson slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. IShowSpeed photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Corner swung in by Shams Charania, a defender rises above everyone and heads it clear. Dwayne Johnson clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. Long kick from Victor Wembanyama, Fabrizio Romano positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

The basketball player goes long for Shams Charania, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Decisive interception from the sports journalist, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Quick exchange between Shams Charania and Dwayne Johnson, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Good ball from the film producer to Fabrizio Romano, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Lovely use of the ball by Michael Jackson, finding Shams Charania in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Dribble from Shams Charania in the box, one shimmy and the defender is out of the picture. Dangerous. Lay-off from Shams Charania to Kevin Hart, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Kevin Hart slides the ball across the ground in the box, Shams Charania arrives for the finish. Victor Wembanyama gets a hand from nowhere and diverts the shot! So close to a goal but the keeper says no.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score right on the stroke of half-time.

Victor Wembanyama mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Michael Jackson plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Victor Wembanyama plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Barack Obama is livid, gesturing wildly. Usain Bolt chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." Now Shams Charania — bless him — once showed up to pre-season training with a sunburn so severe he looked like a Drumstick lolly. Spent one afternoon in Margate without suncream. At 180, there's a lot of surface area to burn, in fairness. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Victor Wembanyama squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Quick throw from Victor Wembanyama to Usain Bolt out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Usain Bolt rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Fabrizio Romano. The far side is completely deserted. The sports journalist dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Emergency clearance from Fabrizio Romano, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Victor Wembanyama catapults the ball towards Fabrizio Romano from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot.

Enormous clearance from Fabrizio Romano inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. The sports journalist trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul.

The film producer launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something. The film producer plays it simple to IShowSpeed, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Dreadful pass from IShowSpeed, lands three yards away from the target. Barack Obama can do nothing with that. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence.

Usain Bolt scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. They've got their tails up now, every pass has a purpose.

Kevin Hart stalls at every opportunity, the crowd whistling in frustration. Booking for the film producer for dissent. A player in that role should know better than to argue. Kevin Hart whips the free kick into the box for Lionel Messi, dangerous delivery! Lionel Messi gets his head on it but it lacks precision, drifting just left of the post.

Corner from Iron Man and a header from Fabrizio Romano but it goes over! He had to hit the target there. Big clearance from Fabrizio Romano under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. 80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. The superhero lays it off first time to IShowSpeed, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Short build-up from IShowSpeed to Usain Bolt, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Draw against Casablanca Dima-Maghrib. Shams Charania kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Dwayne Johnson does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-2 (L)

Usain Bolt reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Michael Jackson does not hesitate, he unleashes a LUMBERJACK strike that ends up smack in the middle of the goal!

Usain Bolt kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Shams Charania takes a knee behind him. Victor Wembanyama raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

The sports journalist accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Chipped cross from Shams Charania over the defence, Lionel Messi is underneath it. That is a killer ball. GOOOOOOAL! Lionel Messi bursts into the box, meets the cross from IShowSpeed with his head and rocks the net!

Shams Charania sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Lionel Messi snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Victor Wembanyama waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

They strangle the build-up, no passing option anywhere. Bad pass from the sports journalist, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Dwayne Johnson shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Solo run from Dwayne Johnson, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. The film producer lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in.

Dwayne Johnson clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Barack Obama drops a lofted ball to Shams Charania, it sails over the entire midfield line.

Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. Lionel Messi sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Shams Charania. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Shams Charania curls a cross to the near post, Michael Jackson is lurking in the box. Victor Wembanyama leaps, catches, lands. All flowing, all controlled. The keeper is in AUTHORITY mode.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Barack Obama is biting {his} nails in the corner. Kevin Hart stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Teammates were gobsmacked when Dwayne Johnson revealed a hidden talent for competitive darts. At 54, the lad can hit triple-twenty blindfolded after three pints — Phil Taylor is shaking in his boots. And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' Right then, part two. Fabrizio Romano adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

The corner from the superhero is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. IShowSpeed hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. IShowSpeed tries a nutmeg but the defender closes his legs. It has not worked, the ball is gone. Huge interception from Fabrizio Romano! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match.

GOAL! Dakar Teranga FC strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Victor Wembanyama runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Dwayne Johnson gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Quick combination between Michael Jackson and Fabrizio Romano, give and go, the defender did not see it coming. Michael Jackson clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick. Michael Jackson picks up a booking for persistent fouling. Took long enough, frankly.

GOAL! Dakar Teranga FC have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Usain Bolt clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Barack Obama loses the header, physically outmatched by his marker. It happens, but at this stage of the match it hurts. The sports journalist thumps his header wide of the post. In that position, chances like that do not come around often, shame about the accuracy. Authoritative clearance from IShowSpeed in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

Short restart from the basketball player to Kevin Hart, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. The film producer reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in.

IShowSpeed picks out Barack Obama with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Barack Obama rolls it to IShowSpeed, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. IShowSpeed bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Fabrizio Romano wins the aerial battle. The sports journalist misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality.

Full time and it's level. Kevin Hart stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Dwayne Johnson grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

Shams Charania plays it in, Usain Bolt lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Shams Charania is off again. Magnificent. OOOH GOAL from Shams Charania! On the assist from IShowSpeed, he curls it along the deck and the ball sneaks into the corner!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Shams Charania strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Dwayne Johnson points at it, jaw on the floor. Victor Wembanyama shakes his head, not believing it.

Short restart from Victor Wembanyama to Shams Charania, building from the back nice and tidy. Attempted pass from Shams Charania to Kevin Hart, but it is way too firm, flies out for a throw-in on the far side. The sports journalist slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Shams Charania boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

Victor Wembanyama hoofs it forward towards Iron Man, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Raking ball from the superhero to Kevin Hart, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Kevin Hart crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Usain Bolt is in the right place.

SHOOOOOT from IShowSpeed, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide! PENALTY to the attacking side! IShowSpeed's strike catches a defender's arm. No complaints, it was blatant. Penalty missed by Lionel Messi! The ball goes right of the goal, he's got it all wrong.

The corner from Iron Man is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Lovely anticipation from the philanthropist who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. The philanthropist lays it off first time to Usain Bolt, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Usain Bolt paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Usain Bolt exhales and sits. Back on the estate, Fabrizio Romano is still remembered as the kid who kicked a ball through Mrs Henderson's greenhouse in 2014. Now 33 and standing 180, the lad still legs it when he sees her at Asda. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0707 and answer this question: 'What did the last bus to Grimsby apologise for?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Shams Charania is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Superb diagonal from the film producer to IShowSpeed, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. That's a beauty from IShowSpeed! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Killer ball from IShowSpeed through the gap! Iron Man bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. BANG! Iron Man hits it! On target, it's flying but the keeper is there and gathers at the second attempt.

The goal is shaking, every shot has the crowd on their feet. Barack Obama tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved!

Masterful reading from Usain Bolt who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Diagonal from Usain Bolt to IShowSpeed, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. IShowSpeed produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. The rapper opens up to Dwayne Johnson on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Dwayne Johnson weights his pass into the space for Michael Jackson who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection.

GOAAAL for Douala Makossa-Corner! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Victor Wembanyama climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Iron Man films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Barack Obama spreads it to Dwayne Johnson, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Ground pass from Dwayne Johnson into the free zone for Lionel Messi, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post.

Points shared. Lionel Messi sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Fabrizio Romano crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Clive Fogsworth, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last bus to Grimsby apologise for?'. The answer was of course existing, which frankly we all understood. Clive wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

The clock is the enemy, every loose touch feels like a disaster. GOOOOOAL for Lionel Messi! What power on the header from the cross by Barack Obama! The keeper did not even see the ball!

Lionel Messi scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Kevin Hart is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Shams Charania gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Dwayne Johnson. Acrobatic overhead from the film producer! GOAL! In that position, that is the kind of finish that wins you the Puskas Award. A PERFECT scissor kick, PERFECT execution, PERFECT goal!

Shams Charania stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Victor Wembanyama comes over and hugs him without a word.

It's in the back of the net! Lagos No-Carry-Last celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Through ball from the sports journalist for Kevin Hart, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Kevin Hart is caught offside from Barack Obama's through ball. Flag goes up straight away. Victor Wembanyama sends an absolute rocket towards Michael Jackson, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Michael Jackson swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Kevin Hart, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision.

The film producer positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Dwayne Johnson switches the play to Fabrizio Romano on the far side, superb crossfield ball! The sports journalist rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Fabrizio Romano is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Fabrizio Romano was barely on his way up.

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. Iron Man shifts uncomfortably on the bench. Usain Bolt picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." Remarkable little detail about Iron Man — he spent every childhood summer in a static caravan in Blackpool. Still goes back every year, eats a stick of rock on the pier, and insists it resets his chakras. The man is 28 and living his best life. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 3355 and answer this question: 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?' They are back. Shams Charania salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Fabrizio Romano heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Sideways ball from Fabrizio Romano to Dwayne Johnson, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Dwayne Johnson finds Lionel Messi with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails. Lionel Messi wastes the gift from Barack Obama, open goal staring at him and he fires wide. You cannot miss those.

Lovely cross from the superhero on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. The sports journalist is beaten in the air, the attacker got higher. Losing an aerial duel like that in his position puts the whole team in danger. The basketball player pushes the shot away with an iron fist. In that position, reflexes are everything, and right there he was MONUMENTAL.

What a mess! Lagos No-Carry-Last capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Shot from the sports journalist, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

Well spotted by Dwayne Johnson who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. The community organizer winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. Effort from Iron Man, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way.

Lovely corner from the sports journalist but the header ends up wide. In that position, when you put the ball in the right area and it does not go in, the finishers need to look at themselves. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Iron Man puts it right into the feet of Fabrizio Romano, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Clearance from Usain Bolt under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Fabrizio Romano looks up and launches a long pass towards Kevin Hart. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

1-1. Lionel Messi and Michael Jackson are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Lionel Messi. "Next time," replies Michael Jackson. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?'. The answer was of course Solanum Disappointicus, first classified by a weeping botanist in Grimsby. Ethel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-3 (L)

Oh that's poor! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Victor Wembanyama kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Usain Bolt takes a knee behind him. Victor Wembanyama raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

The rapper overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. PENALTY! IShowSpeed is fouled in the box, the referee does NOT hesitate. He points to the spot, that is a decision HEAVY with consequences! IShowSpeed scores from the spot! Impeccable angled shot, the keeper went the wrong way. GOAL, EASY!

IShowSpeed slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Barack Obama photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Lionel Messi plays it simple to Kevin Hart, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Kevin Hart drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like. Kevin Hart shifts it to Iron Man with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. The superhero rolls it back along the ground for Kevin Hart. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches. The basketball player produces a monster save! In that position, a save like that is worth a goal. He is the last line and he has held firm.

Iron Man plays the free kick as a cross, Shams Charania finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown. Shams Charania climbs above everyone and powers a header... wide. What a waste.

Short distribution from Victor Wembanyama to Usain Bolt, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Magnificent leap from Usain Bolt who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Firm pass from Usain Bolt into Lionel Messi, right into the boots. No waste. Lionel Messi rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Kevin Hart: "165 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 47 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" Michael Jackson claims to hold the unofficial world record for eating 47 Jaffa Cakes in under six minutes. At 68 years old, the achievement remains unrecognised by Guinness but celebrated in the dressing room. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1812 and answer this question: 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?' The gaffer gives Iron Man one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Iron Man runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Disaster! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Iron Man pings a long diagonal to Michael Jackson, completely shifts the point of attack. Aerial duel won by Michael Jackson in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything. Michael Jackson boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Aerial duel lost by Michael Jackson, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced.

Michael Jackson picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. PENALTY for the philanthropist! The defender fouled him in the box. In that position, this is the kind of CRUCIAL moment that can tip an entire match on its head. OH NO! Michael Jackson puts the penalty wide! That's terrible, he's collapsed on the pitch.

GOAL for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Victor Wembanyama boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Usain Bolt! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Little shift from Usain Bolt to Lionel Messi, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Absolute peach from Lionel Messi, threading it through for Dwayne Johnson, the centre-halves are done for!

One touch football: Lionel Messi to Fabrizio Romano, faster than the opposition can think. Fabrizio Romano unleashes a raking ball out to Barack Obama, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Barack Obama with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. The community organizer embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Kevin Hart looks for Lionel Messi with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. High recovery from the film producer who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description.

Corner from Iron Man, Michael Jackson jumps highest but his header flies over the bar. Monster clearance from Victor Wembanyama, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Fabrizio Romano. Fabrizio Romano tries to pick out Kevin Hart on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. Dwayne Johnson sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery. The film producer unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon.

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Iron Man shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Kevin Hart is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?'. The answer was of course all 130 of them, with room left over for a small retail park. Shirley wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-3 (L)

Michael Jackson looks up and swings in a floated cross, Shams Charania rises among the defenders. GOOOAL! Shams Charania produces a scissor kick for the AGES! On the cross from Michael Jackson, he launches himself, rotates and smashes the ball home! The stadium is in ERUPTION, that is the most BEAUTIFUL goal of the season!

Michael Jackson falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Victor Wembanyama arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Oh it's gone in! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Victor Wembanyama slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. IShowSpeed photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Victor Wembanyama fires it out quickly by hand to Iron Man, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. The superhero switches the play to Dwayne Johnson, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. The film producer finds Kevin Hart along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The film producer cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Iron Man. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat.

Oh that's terrible! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Full moonwalk from Victor Wembanyama, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Fabrizio Romano does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Victor Wembanyama applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Interception from Usain Bolt who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Usain Bolt. Brilliant switch of play from Usain Bolt! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of IShowSpeed. It is not happening for IShowSpeed, the pass to Michael Jackson is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Crafty ball from Iron Man into the gap, Barack Obama arrives into the space and collects on the move.

Kevin Hart cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" A Ryanair mix-up saw Victor Wembanyama land in Bratislava instead of Barcelona for a pre-season friendly. The 22-year-old spent 14 hours in a Slovak kebab shop before the club sent a rescue taxi. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 3355 and answer this question: 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?' Second half underway and Fabrizio Romano is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Crossfield pass from Usain Bolt to Kevin Hart, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Aerial duel won by Kevin Hart, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Devastating burst of pace from Kevin Hart, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Kevin Hart reaches the byline and rolls it back along the ground, Lionel Messi receives it in the box. It is on a plate. Shot blocked from Lionel Messi, the defender makes himself big and screens the ball. The shot doesn't get through.

Usain Bolt launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to IShowSpeed, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. IShowSpeed gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building. Foul by the rapper, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. IShowSpeed delivers an inswinging free kick, Kevin Hart at the back post tries to get on the end of it.

Stoppage time, legs are heavy but hearts are burning bright. The final minutes are breathless, everyone is pushing for an equaliser. CRAAACKER from Michael Jackson outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge.

Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Smooth transition from IShowSpeed to Iron Man, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Iron Man keeps it short to Barack Obama, no frills, just good football intelligence. Barack Obama tries the one-two with Fabrizio Romano and it comes off! The wall is perfect, Barack Obama wins the battle without even touching the opponent.

Victor Wembanyama distributes short to Iron Man, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Iron Man wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination. Iron Man absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. Enormous leap from the community organizer who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Barack Obama boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

Oh no, Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Victor Wembanyama finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Fabrizio Romano plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Victor Wembanyama plays out from the back with Iron Man, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Careless distribution from Iron Man, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. The sports journalist wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice.

Victor Wembanyama plays it along the ground to IShowSpeed, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. IShowSpeed feeds Kevin Hart in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. The rapper shoots and it's nowhere near. In that position, the willingness to shoot is good, but the keeper didn't even need to move.

Gutting. Michael Jackson throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Fabrizio Romano picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?'. The answer was of course Solanum Disappointicus, first classified by a weeping botanist in Grimsby. Ethel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

Lovely interception from Kevin Hart, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Kevin Hart sees what nobody else sees and puts Barack Obama through on goal with a genius through ball. The community organizer prods the ball into the net with the tip of his boot! GOAL! In that position, that nose for goal makes you indispensable.

Kevin Hart does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. IShowSpeed launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Victor Wembanyama arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Lightning press from IShowSpeed, he pounces on the carrier and wins the ball in a heartbeat. That man's intensity is his secret weapon. Brilliant pass from IShowSpeed! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Michael Jackson is onto it. Michael Jackson makes a mess of a simple pass to Iron Man, the ball bobbles and ends up with the opposition. Lionel Messi throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Almighty boot from Lionel Messi who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe.

The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now. Cross from the right by Shams Charania, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Fabrizio Romano at the back post.

Victor Wembanyama smashes a volley towards Fabrizio Romano, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Turnover from Fabrizio Romano, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. Crucial intervention from the community organizer, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Massive clearance from Barack Obama in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Lionel Messi slides a beauty through the gap, Fabrizio Romano is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Fabrizio Romano absolutely butchers that pass, straight into the feet of the opposition.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Victor Wembanyama stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." Iron Man still drives the same Vauxhall Corsa from when the lad was 17, despite earning enough to buy a fleet. The 28-year-old says the rattling exhaust 'keeps you grounded, innit.' And now, our TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a family pass to a motorway services Burger King, text 0800M25 and answer: 'How many hours does it take to travel one junction on the M25 on a Friday?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. IShowSpeed is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

It's a goal for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Fabrizio Romano reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Fabrizio Romano was quicker. Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break. The sports journalist spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Usain Bolt. That is exactly why he is out there. The offside trap works a treat, Usain Bolt is caught out as Iron Man plays the ball forward.

The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. IShowSpeed plays the simple ball to Kevin Hart, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Good ball from the film producer to IShowSpeed, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Lightning one-two between IShowSpeed and Shams Charania, so quick the defender is left standing like a statue.

Kevin Hart cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Kevin Hart thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. The basketball player throws it out to Fabrizio Romano, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Raking ball from the sports journalist to Kevin Hart, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Iron Man delivers a tidy ball to Barack Obama, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Lay-off from Barack Obama to Kevin Hart out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. Kevin Hart sets it for Lionel Messi, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Lionel Messi slips Fabrizio Romano in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Usain Bolt launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Dwayne Johnson senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Instinctive clearance from Dwayne Johnson who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake.

A draw — that grey zone. IShowSpeed signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Fabrizio Romano adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. Karen from Slough says roughly four and a half hours per junction, which she verified last Bank Holiday. Enjoy your Burger King, Karen! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-1 (L)

Close-quarters dribble from Iron Man, he finds space where there is none. Iron Man bursts into the box and is SCYTHED down by the defender! Penalty! The referee is categorical. The whole bench is on its FEET, the atmosphere is ELECTRIC! OHHH the MASTERFUL penalty from Iron Man! He sends the keeper the wrong way with disconcerting ease. GOAL!

Usain Bolt sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Quick one-two between Usain Bolt and Barack Obama, clean as you like, they are moving forward. The community organizer beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill. Foul by Barack Obama in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Barack Obama sees yellow for persistent infringement. He pushed the referee too far.

High recovery from Iron Man! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. The superhero has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Kevin Hart reads the movement from Dwayne Johnson and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. The film producer pulls it back along the ground for Shams Charania. The low cut-back is his trademark.

Error from the rapper, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. PHENOMENAL leg save from Victor Wembanyama! He closed the angle at the last second and blocks the lot. Lifesaving clearance from Kevin Hart! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

The film producer intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Michael Jackson lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment. Michael Jackson has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

The physio works on Shams Charania's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Shams Charania, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Lionel Messi, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Quite remarkable — Usain Bolt got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 40 years old. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' Right then, part two. Dwayne Johnson adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

The community organizer finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Shams Charania clean through. Pure genius from that position. Wide from the sports journalist! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Free kick conceded by the sports journalist, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner.

The team is resisting with real discipline, no cracks in the shape. Rush out from Victor Wembanyama! He smothers the opponent and gathers the ball. COMPOSURE of an exceptional keeper. Tidy restart from Victor Wembanyama along the deck to Lionel Messi, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Decisive interception from Lionel Messi who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Lionel Messi saw it all. Majestic individual run from Lionel Messi, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow.

Massive diagonal from Michael Jackson! Lionel Messi receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Lionel Messi crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. Lionel Messi throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Header lost by Usain Bolt, the opponent was just too strong.

They've scored! Rio Malandro FC find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Royal interception from Usain Bolt! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Usain Bolt boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Kevin Hart pings a ridiculous diagonal to Fabrizio Romano. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

Kevin Hart anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Kevin Hart gives it to Shams Charania into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Shams Charania goes crossfield to Barack Obama, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Barack Obama slides it to Kevin Hart, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Level score. Victor Wembanyama screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Usain Bolt boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-3 (L)

The philanthropist strings together skill moves and humiliates the defender. It is rare to see that much flair in that position. Michael Jackson produces a WORLD CLASS solo! He beats three defenders with disconcerting ease and scores!

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Burst of speed from the superhero down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Pull-back from Iron Man inside the area for IShowSpeed, it is gift-wrapped. Just finish it. IShowSpeed has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save.

They've nicked a goal! Istanbul Cehennem FK catch us cold on the break.

Victor Wembanyama climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Dwayne Johnson films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Clearance from the basketball player towards Lionel Messi, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Switch from Lionel Messi! The ball arcs over the midfield and Iron Man collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Iron Man powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Foul by Iron Man on the opponent, clips him from behind. Free kick. Iron Man gives it to Dwayne Johnson from the free kick, little dummy to create the angle.

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Fabrizio Romano threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Dwayne Johnson bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Offside by a toenail for the film producer, Shams Charania can't believe the flag went up.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Kevin Hart stares at the floor. Fabrizio Romano cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. Dietitians have given up on Iron Man, who eats a chip butty with gravy before every home game. At 28 years old, the Northerner insists it's 'proper fuel' and the nutritional data 'doesn't apply up here.' And now, our TV game show Eggheads and Sausage Rolls! To win a year of Greggs loyalty points, text 3890 and answer: 'How many sausage rolls can you eat before your doctor sends a letter?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Victor Wembanyama is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

GOAL for Istanbul Cehennem FK! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Victor Wembanyama runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Shams Charania gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

The referee spots the foul by Barack Obama, a push in the back on the opponent. Free kick from Barack Obama, it hits the wall and comes back. Nothing to report. Lionel Messi hoofs the corner into the stands, goal kick. Absolutely embarrassing.

Usain Bolt to Michael Jackson, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. The sports journalist shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to IShowSpeed. Pure quality, as per usual.

Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. Barack Obama launches it to Shams Charania on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Shams Charania beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss.

Monumental ball from Iron Man to Lionel Messi, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Lionel Messi sends in a curling delivery, Usain Bolt peels off the back of his marker and finds space. Usain Bolt sends a cross over the pack, nobody can reach it. Chance gone begging. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Dwayne Johnson opens up to Barack Obama on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

What a disaster! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Usain Bolt links up with Shams Charania, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Brilliant opening from Shams Charania for Iron Man, frees up the entire left flank. Iron Man sets it for Shams Charania, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Lovely use of the ball by Shams Charania, finding Lionel Messi in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

The ball carrier has no time, three shirts on him instantly. Barack Obama catches the opponent on the ankle, referee blows immediately. Booking for Barack Obama, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Free kick played short by the community organizer! In that position, having the game intelligence to mix up your free kicks is what makes a team unpredictable. Usain Bolt lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off!

Loss against Istanbul Cehennem FK and it stings. Iron Man still goes over to the travelling fans, hand on heart, mouthing "sorry" through the drizzle. Barack Obama follows. The away end responds with a round of applause that almost makes it worse. These fans deserve better. Big Dave from Wigan says eleven sausage rolls is the sweet spot before medical intervention. A year of Greggs points for Dave! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

The momentum has well and truly shifted, one-way traffic now. Lionel Messi sends Barack Obama into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. GOOOOOAL! Barack Obama places it inside the post from the cross by Lionel Messi, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Lionel Messi fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Michael Jackson plays the medic running in. Victor Wembanyama plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Dangerous delivery from the superhero on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. The film producer wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Monster clearance from Dwayne Johnson! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone.

And that's a goal! Milano Piano-Piano extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Victor Wembanyama runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. IShowSpeed gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Victor Wembanyama finds Usain Bolt with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Magnificent reading of the game from Usain Bolt, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Usain Bolt puts it right into the feet of Iron Man, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Iron Man to Shams Charania, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

Good ball from the film producer to Lionel Messi, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Lionel Messi shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Kevin Hart. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Overlap from Kevin Hart on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt.

Tactical debate in the corner. Fabrizio Romano wants to push higher. Kevin Hart reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Kevin Hart, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Iron Man once set off three smoke alarms trying to make beans on toast. Fire services arrived to find the 28-year-old fanning a tea towel at a cremated Warburtons loaf — an absolute state. And now, our TV game show I'm a Celebrity Get Me a Cuppa! To win a flask of lukewarm tea and a rain mac, text 0800BREW and answer: 'How many sugars is too many sugars in a proper British cuppa?' And we are back underway! Barack Obama jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Raking ball from the sports journalist to Kevin Hart, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Smart pass from Kevin Hart into the hole for IShowSpeed, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. Kevin Hart threads it through to IShowSpeed, but the assistant referee has his flag raised. Offside. Short restart from the basketball player to Usain Bolt, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Usain Bolt sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Short pass from the rapper to Usain Bolt, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Usain Bolt feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed. Perfect low cut-back from Usain Bolt, the ball slides across the box and Fabrizio Romano just has to finish. Fabrizio Romano rolls it to Michael Jackson, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

Textbook one-two between Shams Charania and Kevin Hart. The ball goes, comes back, and the defence is beaten. Pure football. Cut-back along the turf from the sports journalist for Iron Man. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. Rapid combination: Iron Man to Dwayne Johnson, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Flash wall from Shams Charania for Dwayne Johnson who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. Ball across the ground from Dwayne Johnson, it slides through the entire box and reaches Usain Bolt on the penalty spot.

Overlap from Lionel Messi on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Lionel Messi floats a cross in from the wing for Barack Obama, the ball hangs in the box! The community organizer tries to cross but it is blocked. In that position, you know not every ball is getting through. Massive clearance from Dwayne Johnson, just get the ball as far away as possible.

Usain Bolt uses Shams Charania as a wall, the return is instant, Usain Bolt carries on into space. Crystal clear. A tug on the shirt from Usain Bolt, the opponent can't get away. Free kick. Usain Bolt is booked for repeated fouls. Should have come five minutes ago, honestly.

Inch-perfect tackle by Fabrizio Romano, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Long ball from Fabrizio Romano to Lionel Messi, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Inch-perfect cross from Lionel Messi, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Usain Bolt at the back post. Oh my word, the scramble from Usain Bolt's corner! Three attempts blocked, the defense survives by the skin of their teeth! LOOONG range effort from Iron Man! It's heading goalward but the keeper is alert. Corner.

A draw — that grey zone. IShowSpeed signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Dwayne Johnson adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. Deirdre from Blackpool says three sugars and after that you're basically drinking syrup. Flask of tea and rain mac for Deirdre! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-3 (L)

The crowd can sense it, something's about to give. Through ball from the philanthropist for Kevin Hart, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Kevin Hart aims like a surgeon on the cross from IShowSpeed! Placed finish, the keeper has no chance, GOOOOAL!

'I told you so' mode. Michael Jackson eyeballs the Sevilla Olé-Olé bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Shams Charania pulls Michael Jackson away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

The corner from the community organizer is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners. Barack Obama launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. IShowSpeed changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Usain Bolt. The defence is caught completely flat-footed.

IShowSpeed is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion. The ball slips through Victor Wembanyama's gloves, parried into the middle! It is chaos in front of goal! Victor Wembanyama lumps it long towards Fabrizio Romano, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. One touch football: Fabrizio Romano to IShowSpeed, faster than the opposition can think.

Oh no, it's in! Sevilla Olé-Olé punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Victor Wembanyama climbs onto Lionel Messi's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Victor Wembanyama circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Stunning tackle by Fabrizio Romano in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. The sports journalist switches the play to Shams Charania, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Lionel Messi's eyes are bloodshot. Victor Wembanyama looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." Lionel Messi once got stuck in a climbing frame during a Year 6 school trip and the fire brigade had to cut the lad free. Now 169 and 39, the photos are still pinned to his mum's fridge. And now, our TV game show Eggheads and Sausage Rolls! To win a year of Greggs loyalty points, text 3890 and answer: 'How many sausage rolls can you eat before your doctor sends a letter?' Back on the pitch and Shams Charania is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

The film producer boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. Short pass from the community organizer to Fabrizio Romano, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Fabrizio Romano swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. Fabrizio Romano tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it.

Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Michael Jackson picks out Dwayne Johnson with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Perfect cut-back from Dwayne Johnson, Kevin Hart receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. SAAAAAVED by Victor Wembanyama! The strike was fizzing but the keeper dived and tipped it with his fingertips!

They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Dwayne Johnson lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Shams Charania down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Shams Charania was beyond the last man when Fabrizio Romano released the pass. The basketball player goes long for Usain Bolt, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Firm pass from Usain Bolt into Lionel Messi, right into the boots. No waste.

And it's in! Sevilla Olé-Olé take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Victor Wembanyama dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Pitch-length run from the community organizer, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. OHHH Barack Obama strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face.

Oh no, Sevilla Olé-Olé score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Quick exchange between Lionel Messi and Usain Bolt, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. The referee's whistle goes against Usain Bolt, caught the opponent late.

Ball in behind from the superhero, Shams Charania is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Shams Charania flagged offside on the pass from Fabrizio Romano, but you'd need VAR to see that! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless.

Defeat. Victor Wembanyama sits on the pitch long after the whistle, knees pulled up, replaying every mistake in his head. Fabrizio Romano comes back out from the tunnel to get him: "Come on, mate. Can't stay here all night." The groundsman's already got the sprinklers going. Big Dave from Wigan says eleven sausage rolls is the sweet spot before medical intervention. A year of Greggs points for Dave! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-2 (L)

Fabrizio Romano uses Lionel Messi as a wall, the ball pings back like off a squash court wall. Timing is everything. GOOOAL from the sports journalist! Undefendable rocket, the keeper was a spectator. In that position, that kind of strike makes you look like a monster.

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. Fabrizio Romano with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Fabrizio Romano finds Dwayne Johnson between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. The film producer starts a one-two with Michael Jackson, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class.

Oh no, München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Magnificent tackle from Kevin Hart! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. The film producer plays it simple to Iron Man, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing.

Victor Wembanyama sparks the transition with a quick throw to Lionel Messi, the break is lightning fast. Lionel Messi spots Kevin Hart in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. The film producer finds Barack Obama along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Michael Jackson: "175 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 68 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" Fabrizio Romano once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 33, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Dwayne Johnson comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

They've done it! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Victor Wembanyama stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Usain Bolt comes over and hugs him without a word.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Kevin Hart. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Quick one-two between Kevin Hart and Barack Obama, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Barack Obama triggers a change of flanks for Kevin Hart, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

Great vision from Kevin Hart who switches to Michael Jackson. The defence pivots, but they are too late. The philanthropist shoots but it's blocked by the defender. In that position, right to have a go but the defender read it well.

Shams Charania winds up and FIRES but the defender gets his body in the way and the ball rebounds. Frustrating. Corner from Iron Man, it is a whipped delivery but a defender intervenes and clears. Usain Bolt lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop.

One laser pass from Usain Bolt and the entire defence is eliminated, Lionel Messi is through on goal. The space is enormous. Lionel Messi is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Shams Charania is shaking his head. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Lionel Messi fires the ball over to Fabrizio Romano with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Fabrizio Romano hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Fabrizio Romano slips Usain Bolt in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Usain Bolt to Shams Charania, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

Massive punt from Victor Wembanyama, sends the ball sixty yards, Fabrizio Romano is scrapping for it up top. Header lost for Fabrizio Romano, his opponent beat him to it and won the duel with authority. OHHH the header from Shams Charania! It goes just right of the post, the keeper was beaten!

Painful afternoon. Shams Charania and Usain Bolt walk side by side toward the tunnel, neither saying a word. Their studs echo on the concrete. Somewhere behind them, München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's lot are singing. It carries down the corridor. Sounds get louder when you've lost. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

Decisive glance from Dwayne Johnson who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. What a CANNONBALL from Michael Jackson! The keeper was well positioned but that strike was UNSTOPPABLE.

Kevin Hart hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Dwayne Johnson mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick.

Michael Jackson tries a shimmy but slips on the ball. Turnover in a bad area. The basketball player grazes the ball and turns it over. In that position, when you have that touch in the gloves, you make the difference. Lionel Messi launches himself on the corner from Dwayne Johnson and powers a header but it is off target.

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Michael Jackson winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! Victor Wembanyama opts for the short option to Michael Jackson, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Michael Jackson puts it right into the feet of Barack Obama, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Panicked clearance from Usain Bolt, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Raking ball from the rapper to Kevin Hart, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Aerial duel won by the film producer, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Victor Wembanyama stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." We're hearing that Usain Bolt spent his entire signing bonus on a ride-on lawnmower. Doesn't even have a garden — he lives in a flat. But the lad is 40, he's got a mower, and he says he's 'planning ahead.' Absolute scenes. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' They are back. Iron Man salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Michael Jackson plays it to Fabrizio Romano on the short corner, the defense comes out to press. Quick one-two between Fabrizio Romano and Michael Jackson, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Michael Jackson shifts it to Kevin Hart with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Wing switch from Kevin Hart, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Barack Obama brings it down with a velvet touch. Class.

Iron Man puts it right into the feet of Usain Bolt, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Delicious through ball from Usain Bolt, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Lionel Messi is there to gobble it up. Powerful run from Lionel Messi down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there.

Short restart from the basketball player to Dwayne Johnson, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Poor decision from Dwayne Johnson on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Usain Bolt puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Usain Bolt launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. The overlap from IShowSpeed, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. IShowSpeed tries to power past but the defender stands firm and wins the ball. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted.

And it's a goal! London Three-Pints punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Rehearsed move all week: Victor Wembanyama and Shams Charania stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Victor Wembanyama plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. With one swing of the boot, Kevin Hart finds Fabrizio Romano on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Massive hit from Fabrizio Romano, BOOOOM! On target but the keeper is absolutely commanding. Huge stop.

Level. Dwayne Johnson picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Iron Man waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.