My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This girl isn't just a basketball player, she's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Sabrina Carpenter! Picture this: the woman is massive, but she handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like she's at shootaround. When she attacks the paint, it's simple, she's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on her poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. The worst part? Her ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in her hands... And she flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. She's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If she sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, she's on a mission, and believe me, she didn't show up to mess around. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Tate McRae. The woman is a songwriter. A freaking songwriter. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, she rolls up with their acoustic guitar and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. Her first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. Her second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into her own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if she was serious or completely hammered. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
90-134 (L)
Addison Rae wins the opening tip! Tipping off with internet celebrity energy!
Addison Rae, this dude putting the league on notice, pulls the trigger facing the rim but no luck!
Sabrina Carpenter throws it away! A pass worse than a movie actor tossing the film character!
Olivia Rodrigo, this tweener, gets blown by on the perimeter! Hot head in the legs!
Sabrina Carpenter pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The movie actor in them is showing!
Break. Billie Eilish collapses next to the vending machine. Did you know Billie Eilish started basketball because she was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
A reverse layup from Billie Eilish catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Olivia Rodrigo, this jersey-selling name, sucking wind after that sprint! The contest of battle!
Olivia Rodrigo with the backcourt violation! A singer going backwards with the game!
Billie Eilish mutters to herself walking back! This guy with rings on every finger fighting inner demons!
Tate McRae leaves the temple of basketball quietly! Quiet as a songwriter after the timeless song setback!
Tate McRae leaves the court at a jog. Addison Rae stays there, planted at center court, motionless. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
88-132 (L)
Sabrina Carpenter locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a movie actor who means business!
Tate McRae shanks it from the center circle! Writing the timeless song uses different muscles!
Sloppy handling by Billie Eilish! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Tate McRae gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the timeless song on a rough day!
Tate McRae takes off angrily after the turnover! This legit talent spiraling!
Halftime! Addison Rae is limping slightly heading off the court. Bus driver's confession: Addison Rae raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Billie Eilish fades away but it's well off! Ego the size of Texas under fatigue!
Sabrina Carpenter needs oxygen! More winded than a movie actor after overtime!
Sabrina Carpenter passes to nobody! This bonafide star with a head-scratching decision!
Tate McRae, this scrappy guard, shows negative body language! Tendency to rush creeping in!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Billie Eilish shakes hands and moves on. In the end, defense that's basically a suggestion proved costly.
Billie Eilish stares at her hands like she doesn't recognize them. Tate McRae exhales. Again. And again. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
87-122 (L)
Billie Eilish starts in the role player! Playing the role player the way a singer plays with their bare hands!
Olivia Rodrigo throws up a clunker! Their bare hands would weep at that trajectory!
Tate McRae shoots the rock right to the defense! Costly mistake by this league veteran!
Billie Eilish gives up the back door! Tendency to force bad shots when overplaying!
Olivia Rodrigo blows past the towel! This headliner showing ego the size of Texas!
Halftime! Tate McRae looks in the mirror and shakes her head. Little scoop: Tate McRae collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than her first contract. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Olivia Rodrigo sends it wide! Their bare hands wouldn't forgive that either!
Sabrina Carpenter struggles in the closing moments! The movie actor hitting the wall with the film character!
Turnover by Tate McRae! Writing the timeless song requires less coordination, clearly!
Sabrina Carpenter stares in disbelief! The look of a movie actor who just lost everything!
Billie Eilish leaves the arena with dignity! The dignity of a singer with their bare hands!
Billie Eilish mutters while walking out. Tate McRae watches from the corner of her eye, worried. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
89-133 (L)
Addison Rae fires up the crowd to open the game! This dude putting the league on notice starting strong!
Air ball from Addison Rae! Being an internet celebrity doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Olivia Rodrigo throws it out of bounds! Like launching their bare hands into the void!
Addison Rae left in the dust! Even an internet celebrity moves faster than that!
Addison Rae looks to the heavens! An internet celebrity praying for their ring light to work!
Time to breathe. Billie Eilish has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. The staff told me Billie Eilish sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Olivia Rodrigo misses the open look! A singer never misses the game... But misses the rock!
Addison Rae finds a second wind! The internet celebrity engine roars back to life!
Olivia Rodrigo botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Sabrina Carpenter, this do-it-all player, pounds the scorer's table! Limited stamina on full display!
Sabrina Carpenter walks off in defeat! Even a movie actor's skills couldn't save tonight!
Addison Rae clenches her left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Tate McRae fidgets with her wristband nervously. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
86-130 (L)
Sabrina Carpenter stretches center court! Loosening up, the movie actor is getting ready!
Tate McRae shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a songwriter would cringe!
Tate McRae gets the ball stripped! The timeless song would have stayed in a songwriter's grip!
Tate McRae, this elusive guard, gets dunked on back to the basket! Poster material!
Addison Rae mouths off and picks up a T! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Halftime. Tate McRae wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Fun fact: Tate McRae tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in her contract. Denied. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Sabrina Carpenter, this max-contract guy, comes up empty! A tear drop off target in the paint!
Olivia Rodrigo drags their feet! Heavy as their bare hands at the end of a shift!
Olivia Rodrigo, this versatile guy, steps out of bounds with the Wilson! Mental lapse!
Tate McRae gets a technical for complaining! Lack of consistency on full display!
Addison Rae consoles teammates! The heart of an internet celebrity in that moment!
Tate McRae unclasps her chain and squeezes it in her fist. Sabrina Carpenter runs a hand down her face. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Sabrina Carpenter. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
77-121 (L)
Olivia Rodrigo steps onto the gymnasium! From competing the game to this, game time!
Sabrina Carpenter can't hit from beyond the arc! That zone is cursed for this movie actor!
Addison Rae gets picked! An internet celebrity getting the algorithm stolen in broad daylight!
This All-Star caliber talent Sabrina Carpenter caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Tate McRae slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a songwriter hits the workbench!
End of the first act. Tate McRae is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know? Tate McRae tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
This guy everybody knows Sabrina Carpenter shanks an and-one at half court! That's uncharacteristic!
Sabrina Carpenter misses from fatigue! This jersey-selling name can't get the elevation at the top of the key!
Sabrina Carpenter coughs up the Spalding! Lack of consistency strikes again off the pick and roll!
Addison Rae, this league veteran, with the frustrated foul! Occasional mental lapses in tough moments!
Addison Rae walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to internet celebrity life tomorrow!
Tate McRae and Billie Eilish share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
87-132 (L)
Addison Rae comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the internet celebrity means business!
Tate McRae rushes a bucket from downtown! Lack of consistency creeping in!
Olivia Rodrigo, this versatile guy, gets stripped back to the basket! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Billie Eilish, this combo guard, fouls unnecessarily off the pick and roll! Heavy feet!
Billie Eilish throws their hands up! Like a singer when their bare hands breaks!
Break. Olivia Rodrigo collapses next to the vending machine. Juicy intel: Olivia Rodrigo turned down an endorsement deal because she'd have to wear a mascot costume. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Addison Rae can't score in the extra period! This internet celebrity is way off tonight!
This All-Star caliber talent Sabrina Carpenter has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Tate McRae with the errant pass! This next-level player needs to settle down!
Sabrina Carpenter can't hide the frustration! The script binder frustration meets the pill frustration!
This guy everybody knows Olivia Rodrigo tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Addison Rae claps her hands in frustration. Tate McRae clenches her jaw so hard you can hear it from here. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
80-125 (L)
Opening possession for Olivia Rodrigo! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
Sabrina Carpenter clanks another one off the rim! This franchise guy needs to find rhythm!
This legit talent Tate McRae gets pickpocketed driving to the hoop! Sloppy handling!
Olivia Rodrigo gets crossed over! This certified bucket left frozen driving to the hoop!
Tate McRae glares at the damn ball! Like it personally betrayed this songwriter!
Halftime. Olivia Rodrigo is holding her ribs walking toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Olivia Rodrigo is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Sabrina Carpenter can't finish! The movie actor who finishes the film character can't finish the play!
This established player Addison Rae stumbles! The fatigue is real after the allotted time!
Billie Eilish with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost singer!
Addison Rae walks away muttering! Muttering about the algorithm under their breath!
Tate McRae vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their acoustic guitar reinforced with the timeless song!
Billie Eilish's eyes are glassy. Tate McRae mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
78-122 (L)
Billie Eilish lands the first scoop layup! First blood! The singer strikes first!
Sabrina Carpenter launches a pull-up jumper and... Airball! Lack of consistency at its peak!
Addison Rae double-dribbles! Captivating the algorithm doesn't have that rule!
Sabrina Carpenter lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this jersey-selling name fooled!
Sabrina Carpenter storms to the bench! Heated! This movie actor doesn't handle losing well!
Rest time. Tate McRae isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Intel: Tate McRae asked Houston Blast-Off for their energy drink recipe. They refused. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Olivia Rodrigo misfires from under the basket! Their bare hands calibration needed!
Addison Rae bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like an internet celebrity after their ring light overtime!
This global icon Billie Eilish forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Sabrina Carpenter waves off the play! The authority of a movie actor in that gesture!
Tate McRae, this little guy, trudges off the gymnasium. Lessons to take from this one.
Billie Eilish hurls her mouthguard into the trash. Sabrina Carpenter keeps her in, chewing on the frustration. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-132 (L)
Addison Rae announces themselves! The internet celebrity has arrived and the building knows it!
Olivia Rodrigo crosses over but the shot rims out! Sometimes predictable game rears its ugly head!
Sabrina Carpenter forces the pass! Forcing the script binder where it doesn't fit!
Tate McRae overcommits! Going all-in like a songwriter on the timeless song, but wrong!
Olivia Rodrigo, this jersey-selling name, barks at the teammate! Injury-prone body taking over!
Halftime whistle. Tate McRae flops into the first available chair. Anecdote: Tate McRae tried to impress the Denver Horse-Track players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With her face. We're back! The players look fired up.
Olivia Rodrigo can't convert the open shot! Competing the game is way easier!
Addison Rae gulps water! As thirsty as an internet celebrity reaching for the algorithm!
Sabrina Carpenter trips up in the high post! A movie actor never trips at work... Right?
Tate McRae storms to the bench! This player on the come-up is visibly upset!
Tate McRae gave it everything! Everything a songwriter has, left on the court!
Tate McRae hurls her mouthguard into the trash. Sabrina Carpenter keeps her in, chewing on the frustration. Behind the scenes, I learned Sabrina Carpenter was also a singer in a past life. You can feel it in the game. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
83-127 (L)
And we're underway! Olivia Rodrigo touches the rock first! This All-Star caliber talent looks eager!
Billie Eilish gets a clean look but injury-prone body costs the bucket!
Tate McRae loses the rock! A songwriter would never be this careless!
Sabrina Carpenter can't stay in front! Portraying the film character doesn't build lateral quickness!
Olivia Rodrigo drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a singer's spirit has limits!
Halftime. Billie Eilish wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Physio's confession: Billie Eilish purrs when you massage her calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Tate McRae, this pocket rocket, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Hot head!
Addison Rae is gassed! More tired than after a full day of captivating the algorithm!
Stolen from Tate McRae! A songwriter who let it slip through their fingers!
Tate McRae crosses over away from the huddle! This next-level player in a dark place mentally!
Olivia Rodrigo packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Addison Rae bites the inside of her cheek. Sabrina Carpenter pinches the bridge of her nose. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
88-132 (L)
Billie Eilish posts up into position! This undisputed superstar not wasting any time!
Billie Eilish can't convert! The singer's touch with the game deserted them!
Billie Eilish steps back into a trap! Limited stamina when reading the defense!
Tate McRae gambles for the steal and pays the price! Ego the size of Texas!
Tate McRae vents at their teammates! The songwriter who vents about the timeless song!
Halftime. Olivia Rodrigo glances at her phone for two seconds and puts it back. Fun fact: Olivia Rodrigo tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Olivia Rodrigo misses at the buzzer! A singer who missed the deadline!
Addison Rae waves for a timeout! The internet celebrity needs the algorithm break!
Addison Rae coughs it up! An internet celebrity's grip doesn't work on the pill!
Tate McRae sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a songwriter after a long shift!
Billie Eilish tips the cap to the winners! The singer's grace with the game!
Billie Eilish replays the score in her head on a loop. Tate McRae tries to think about something else. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-129 (L)
Tate McRae takes the court to a packed arena! The songwriter with their acoustic guitar is here!
Olivia Rodrigo misses! Even a singer can't fix that shot!
This potential GOAT Billie Eilish with turnover number buckets! Occasional mental lapses is piling up!
This max-contract guy Sabrina Carpenter picks up the cheap foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
This name that's buzzing Tate McRae stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Halftime whistle. Sabrina Carpenter has dried blood on her elbow but plays tough. They say Sabrina Carpenter eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Tate McRae, this legit talent, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Olivia Rodrigo calls for the sub! Even a singer's stamina with their bare hands has limits!
Tate McRae fires away carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Olivia Rodrigo picks up the second technical! This jersey-selling name ejected! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Addison Rae sits alone on the bench. This player on the come-up processing the defeat.
Olivia Rodrigo sits on the floor in the hallway. Billie Eilish sits down next to her. Nobody speaks. I got a text from Olivia Rodrigo after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
86-130 (L)
This all-time great Billie Eilish in the starting lineup! Let's see what this all-time great brings!
Billie Eilish bobbles and misses! Fumbling the Wilson like it's a Monday morning!
Sabrina Carpenter tries to be too fancy and loses the basketball! Sometimes predictable game in the decision-making!
Addison Rae fouls trying to recover! Desperate as an internet celebrity chasing the algorithm!
This reliable star Sabrina Carpenter hangs the head after the miss! Deflated along the baseline!
Break! Olivia Rodrigo rips her shoes off the second she reaches the locker room. Little secret: Olivia Rodrigo watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Addison Rae, this versatile guy, can't finish from mid-range! That one stings!
Billie Eilish bends over during the dead ball! This global icon gathering what's left!
Billie Eilish commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
Tate McRae drops the head after another miss! Ego the size of Texas sapping the confidence!
Tate McRae sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a songwriter after their acoustic guitar broke!
Addison Rae looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Sabrina Carpenter looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
87-131 (L)
Addison Rae checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Addison Rae crosses over the orange awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this player making noise!
This league veteran Addison Rae dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
This world-class player Sabrina Carpenter bites on the fake! Beaten from the left corner!
Addison Rae glares at the scoreboard! This player making noise not happy with the situation!
Players head to the locker room. Tate McRae has tape on three fingers. Juicy intel: Tate McRae turned down an endorsement deal because she'd have to wear a mascot costume. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Tate McRae, this player making noise, fumbles the finish from mid-range! Back to the drawing board!
This bonafide star Olivia Rodrigo calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Tendency to rush taking its toll!
Addison Rae with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the algorithm!
Olivia Rodrigo, this tweener, throws the hands up! Exasperated under the basket!
Billie Eilish hangs their head! A singer who gave everything they had!
Sabrina Carpenter leaves the court at a jog. Olivia Rodrigo stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Sabrina Carpenter.
Season journal
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