My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

80-115 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and LeBron James threw it before the help even committed. Hard drive, hard stop, and Shaquille O'Neal retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. No touch. Shaquille O'Neal left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

This is the counter: Jesus Christ punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Getting to his spot and elevating, Stephen Curry puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

The drive goes baseline, Harry Kane rotates off the weak side and meets him at the rim with both arms straight up. The shooter saw Harry Kane rising into his eyeline, rushed the release, and caught nothing but the side of the rim.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Rest time. Stephen Curry isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Anecdote: Stephen Curry threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show Sale of the Half Century! To win a bread machine with a manual in three languages, none of them English, text HOOPS to 555-0673 and answer this question: 'What is the wingspan of a man who claims he could have gone pro?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. Shaquille O'Neal pays for that one. Shaquille O'Neal throws his head back, because he knows exactly what it means. His minutes are somebody else's decision now.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Somebody explain how the messiah reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Watch the change of pace from Stephen Curry, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Stephen Curry cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Stephen Curry gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Not a hand on him. Stephen Curry flat missed the bunny.

The coach saw the contact on Stephen Curry and absolutely LOST it. One whistle later, that is a T on the sideline.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how LeBron James breaks a shell down. Shaquille O'Neal comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Two guys on the exact same page, Shaquille O'Neal and Harry Kane, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. Shaquille O'Neal rose straight over the top of him, and one.

Watch the spacing there, Jesus Christ hits Stephen Curry right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The defender crowded the middle, and Stephen Curry punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Zero hesitation, zero conscience. Stephen Curry made that closeout look completely pointless.

Stephen Curry deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. Shaquille O'Neal arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

Stephen Curry grabs him before the ball even crosses half court. Intentional, obvious, and completely necessary.

Jesus Christ stares at the floor while Stephen Curry mutters something inaudible under his breath. And here is the answer to our game show Sale of the Half Century! Orville Duckworth of Slush Pile, Michigan, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the wingspan of a man who claims he could have gone pro?' The answer was of course roughly the length of the story he is telling. Orville therefore wins a bread machine with a manual in three languages, none of them English! I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

105-90 (W)

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Stephen Curry just did it by hitting Harry Kane on the back side with acres of room. One hard step and Harry Kane owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Prayer from Harry Kane. Not answered.

Stephen Curry slides, closes out, recovers. The ball goes all the way around the perimeter and comes back with nothing. OHHHH, LeBron James just took that thing right out of his hands!

The messiah just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Jesus Christ builds the whole thing from nothing. No screen, no help, three points.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Jesus Christ disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Shaquille O'Neal is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

REJECTED! Shaquille O'Neal gets ALL of that jumper and the building erupts! Shaquille O'Neal grabs it, turns, and slings a one-hander three quarters of the floor. Filthy. HAMMER! Jesus Christ goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Jesus Christ does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. LeBron James puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

Turnover, layup, Miami Heart-Attack straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Halftime! Harry Kane has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Fun fact: Harry Kane got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game of Horseshoes! To win a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0313 and answer this question: 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

The beauty of it is that Jesus Christ never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Harry Kane attacks the paint, absorbs the bump, twists his body all the way around the defender and reverses it in. FILTHY.

Harry Kane slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Clean feed from LeBron James, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Stephen Curry just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Harry Kane half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. The association football player had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Give and go! Stephen Curry gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! That is the shot chart lying to you. Stephen Curry did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

OHHHH, what a read by Stephen Curry! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. AIRBALL! Shaquille O'Neal missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Whistle! Stephen Curry got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. AIRBALL. On a FREE THROW. Stephen Curry just invented a brand new way to be remembered.

No good. LeBron James rushed that one. Nobody put a body on LeBron James and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. BAAAANG! LeBron James rips the offensive board and puts it right back through!

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. LeBron James holds it three seconds. Jesus Christ applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and LeBron James collects every last one.

Jesus Christ moonwalks across the hardwood. Shaquille O'Neal attempts the worm. One of them pulls it off. And here is the answer to our game The Dating Game of Horseshoes! Sherman Pilkington of Chicken Bristle, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' The answer was of course forty-one feet, and he did not spill a drop, which is the real story. Sherman takes home a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

101-104 (L)

OHHHH the pin-down! LeBron James pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Jesus Christ. Brutal. So close. LeBron James can only stare at the iron.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

He tried to rise over Shaquille O'Neal. That was a mistake, and the ball is now several rows deep. Rebound, look, gone. Shaquille O'Neal to Stephen Curry and this is a footrace now. Stephen Curry attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. Stephen Curry holds it three seconds. Shaquille O'Neal applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and Stephen Curry collects every last one.

The messiah just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Watch LeBron James plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Shaquille O'Neal out of that corner in a blink. Nasty finish. Shaquille O'Neal hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

Shaquille O'Neal hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Stephen Curry shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A messiah making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Stephen Curry had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Break. Shaquille O'Neal asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Rumor has it Shaquille O'Neal talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! To win a garden gnome missing both arms, text HOOPS to 555-0712 and answer this question: 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the messiah made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. That stepback is unguardable once the drive gets sold, and Jesus Christ has had that defender guessing wrong all night long.

Total control. Jesus Christ has this thing on a string. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then LeBron James rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, LeBron James fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

LeBron James attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Gift wrapped by Jesus Christ, and LeBron James cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ball moves. Jesus Christ to LeBron James, on time and on target. Ball into Jesus Christ at the elbow, LeBron James plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. LeBron James beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Shot clock down to two, Shaquille O'Neal throws up a prayer from twenty six feet, and it is not answered. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Shaquille O'Neal has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Under review. Stephen Curry does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. Late by a blink. Stephen Curry is going to see that frame in his sleep tonight.

Stephen Curry chews his nails on the bench. Jesus Christ stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. And here is the answer to our game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! Travis Wayne Trundle of Hardtack, Indiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' The answer was of course the grandmother, by a margin researchers declined to publish. Travis Wayne therefore wins a garden gnome missing both arms! During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

106-98 (W)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

No hero ball here: Stephen Curry takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Jesus Christ drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Oh my. Harry Kane did not even draw iron.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Ooof. Stephen Curry got put on SKATES right there. Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on LeBron James.

A messiah breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! The messiah just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

Halftime! LeBron James looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Anecdote: LeBron James threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Free Throws! To win a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns, text HOOPS to 555-0952 and answer this question: 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, LeBron James drops it off perfectly for Jesus Christ diving to the rim. Straight back to the office for the messiah, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Jesus Christ kicks it over to Stephen Curry, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Screened, toasted, done. Stephen Curry is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. That is body control you simply cannot coach: Stephen Curry stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Stephen Curry deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. Harry Kane arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

Watch the sell from Jesus Christ here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Jesus Christ, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

OHHHH that is filthy! Jesus Christ on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Two points left on the floor by Stephen Curry, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Harry Kane treats every miss like it belongs to him. The association football player just went up over everybody and put that miss back with two hands. That is a night he tells his grandkids about!

The messiah makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Harry Kane sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Shaquille O'Neal lays it right on his hands in traffic! Harry Kane rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Jesus Christ holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Shaquille O'Neal flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. That is another catch and shoot triple for Shaquille O'Neal, and you can see the closeouts getting more desperate every single trip.

Shaquille O'Neal runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

The coach just drew up the biggest play of the night for the association football player, a sentence I did not expect to say out loud this evening. Look at the spacing here, two shooters lifting to drag the help, and that leaves Shaquille O'Neal an easy read to LeBron James in the pocket. Chess.

Salute: sharp, military, held. LeBron James delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. Jesus Christ snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

Shaquille O'Neal dumps his Gatorade on Harry Kane who screams because it was cold. LeBron James piles on. And here is the answer to our game show Fear Factor Free Throws! Charlene Bumgarner of Hushpuppy Ridge, New Hampshire, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' The answer was of course two point six miles, all of it inside a nine foot box. Charlene therefore wins a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns! My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

114-106 (W)

The help defender committed way too early, and Stephen Curry made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. ONIONS from Stephen Curry! He saw the hit coming and went up into it anyway. No wasted motion at all from Stephen Curry. Both free throws split the net and the scoreboard ticks over twice.

Stephen Curry plants himself in front of the Phoenix No-Defense bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Jesus Christ never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! The messiah tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Onions from Harry Kane! He plants himself in front of a freight train and just wears the whole thing. Filthy defense from Harry Kane. He never touched a thing and he still won the possession.

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The players disappear into the tunnel. Shaquille O'Neal asks for an ice pack. Rumor has it Shaquille O'Neal tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". And now, our halftime TV game show The Newlywed Timeout! To win a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs, text HOOPS to 555-0472 and answer this question: 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

Harry Kane eats the contact so LeBron James can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. BANG! LeBron James steps back, creates the daylight, and buries it right in the defender's eye.

LeBron James cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Stephen Curry joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

Hands like that on the messiah? Whatever he does all day, by night he is robbing people blind. OHHHH the speed of Jesus Christ! Nobody in this building was catching him.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Jesus Christ does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Stephen Curry puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Jesus Christ makes it every single trip down the floor. LeBron James splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Harry Kane!

Lazy feed into the middle, LeBron James read it the whole way, and that possession is over before it started. PICKED HIS POCKET! Stephen Curry jumps the passing lane and he is GONE the other way!

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Stephen Curry passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Way short from Stephen Curry off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

Watch the spacing, Jesus Christ drags two bodies toward the ball and Shaquille O'Neal is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Heat check for Shaquille O'Neal and it is GOOD. He is COOKING, and this building knows exactly what it is watching.

SPIN and GO! Stephen Curry pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Stephen Curry goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Harry Kane and Jesus Christ pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. And here is the answer to our game show The Newlywed Timeout! Dewey Spillman of Frostbite Flats, Minnesota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' The answer was of course three and a half miles, and the dog does not care for it. Dewey therefore wins a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs! I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

106-116 (L)

The association football player just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Harry Kane gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Jesus Christ saw it a beat early. Down screen, and Harry Kane curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Reverse layup by Harry Kane, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Hand check on Shaquille O'Neal. That is a foul in this league every single time. Nothing but trouble ahead for Shaquille O'Neal. Third foul, and this crew is calling it tight on both ends of the floor.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Halftime. The physio pounces on Shaquille O'Neal to massage his thighs. Confession: Shaquille O'Neal calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show The Newlywed Timeout! To win a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs, text HOOPS to 555-0472 and answer this question: 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.

Swing, swing, and LeBron James finds Shaquille O'Neal on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Shaquille O'Neal kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Jesus Christ and Stephen Curry just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Soft touch from Jesus Christ, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Jesus Christ deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. LeBron James arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Foul on the three-point shooter, and it is Stephen Curry. The coach is off the bench with both arms out.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Jesus Christ has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching LeBron James precisely where the play wanted it. One little shoulder dip from LeBron James and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Shot clock at one, and LeBron James just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Jesus Christ walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. OHHHH the pin-down! Shaquille O'Neal pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Stephen Curry. Brutal. The big man never even contested it, and Shaquille O'Neal still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

That is five guys on a string and LeBron James is the knot holding it together, because the corner gets covered behind him too. LeBron James goes up with the hands to the ceiling and the shot comes off the front rim. Textbook verticality.

That is the kind of giveaway you can only hand over yourself, and Jesus Christ has now done it twice in this quarter alone.

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Dribble handoff from Jesus Christ, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Shaquille O'Neal blows the wide open layup!

Shaquille O'Neal refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Harry Kane watches it and immediately regrets it. And here is the answer to our game show The Newlywed Timeout! Dewey Spillman of Frostbite Flats, Minnesota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' The answer was of course three and a half miles, and the dog does not care for it. Dewey therefore wins a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

109-91 (W)

Shaquille O'Neal controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Watch the arms on Shaquille O'Neal, straight up, no arm bar, nothing for the officials to blow. That is coaching and discipline.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Late rotation from Harry Kane, he arrives half a beat behind the drive and the contact is obvious to everybody in the building. Foul trouble is a chess match and Harry Kane just lost a piece. Three before the break changes how this team defends the pick and roll.

Laser from LeBron James, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Harry Kane did all the dirty work on that one. LeBron James hands it off to Harry Kane, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. The defender fronted him, so LeBron James sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Finally a breather. Jesus Christ has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Little secret: Jesus Christ watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! To win a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0759 and answer this question: 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Stephen Curry. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Stephen Curry nothing.

Goaltending on Harry Kane. Great athleticism, terrible timing.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Jesus Christ controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Baseline wide open. LeBron James said thank you. Get that one framed. LeBron James took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

Ice in the veins: LeBron James taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

LeBron James launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH the pin-down! Jesus Christ pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Shaquille O'Neal. Brutal. The messiah just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! BAAAANG! Shaquille O'Neal from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

Shaquille O'Neal sprints to the sideline, hops onto the scorer's table and raises both fists. The stat crew grabs their laptops and security is already moving. A trainer hauls him down by the shorts before anybody gets fined. Worth it, obviously.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Stephen Curry has all the room in the world. Stephen Curry gets into the paint, sees the shot blocker rising, and simply lifts it over the top of him. Never had a prayer.

The association football player just took a charge from a man twice his size and got up smiling. Absolute lunatic behavior, and we love it!

Jesus Christ and Harry Kane do celebratory push-ups. Shaquille O'Neal counts out loud. Definitely cheating. And here is the answer to our game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! Elmer Sizemore of Wet Sock, Louisiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The answer was of course ninety four degrees near the fan and ninety six everywhere else. Elmer therefore wins a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers! While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

112-108 (W)

Tip goes to the association football player, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Jesus Christ kicks it over to Shaquille O'Neal, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Shaquille O'Neal. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Shaquille O'Neal launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Kick out to Stephen Curry, one more to Harry Kane, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. The association football player hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

No hero ball here: LeBron James takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Off the pin-down comes the association football player with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Down, up, and gone for Harry Kane. The rim is just toying with him now.

The players file out. Jesus Christ exchanges a tense look with the coach. I've been told Jesus Christ always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show Guess My Salary Cap! To win a sun visor that says FLORIDA but was manufactured in Indiana, text HOOPS to 555-1136 and answer this question: 'What is the exact salary of a mascot with no contract?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

Swing, swing, and LeBron James finds Jesus Christ on the wing before the help can even turn its head. OHHHH the pin-down! Jesus Christ pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Harry Kane. Brutal. Up goes the shot from Jesus Christ and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

The defender planted his feet, and Stephen Curry said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Baseline drive by Stephen Curry, he absorbs the hammer from the help defender, and the official is already pointing to the line. Two shots, two makes. Stephen Curry does not flinch.

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but LeBron James keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching LeBron James do that to one of their own.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Jesus Christ already has the defense a full step behind. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Harry Kane, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Watch the footwork there from Harry Kane on the catch, squared up before the ball ever arrives. That is exactly why it goes down so clean.

Harry Kane pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. Shaquille O'Neal mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to messiah the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Stephen Curry, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

I have no idea how this ends. Harry Kane has the rock, the clock is bleeding out, and this building is a MADHOUSE.

Shaquille O'Neal and Stephen Curry swing Jesus Christ around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. And here is the answer to our game show Guess My Salary Cap! Marvin Hollopeter of Sandy Britches, New Jersey, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact salary of a mascot with no contract?' The answer was of course free pizza on Thursdays and all the applause he can carry. Marvin therefore wins a sun visor that says FLORIDA but was manufactured in Indiana! On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

94-97 (L)

The association football player just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the messiah made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. That is the play that breaks a defense. Jesus Christ has turned three straight drives into points and the help is starting to hesitate.

Kisses the biceps, one and then the other, and Jesus Christ strolls to the free throw line like a man on vacation. Harry Kane fans him with a rolled-up game program. The bench is in tears. Even the guy running the game clock is grinning into his monitor.

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The messiah is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Watch Jesus Christ plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Harry Kane out of that corner in a blink. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Harry Kane. Cruel.

Rest. Jesus Christ buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Juicy intel: Jesus Christ turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares Off! To win a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards, text HOOPS to 555-0431 and answer this question: 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' Back in action! The coach got the message across.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and LeBron James gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Clang. Stephen Curry wants that one back.

In a game this tight, Stephen Curry cannot be giving away a free point over a call that was never coming back. Unforgivable.

Winning basketball right there: Stephen Curry knocks the swing pass off course and that offense has to run it back from the top. Off the glass and out of the gym, Stephen Curry launches it and the break is ON! Steal, sprint, slam. Shaquille O'Neal takes the Jesus Christ feed and puts it down before anyone gets back.

Push the pace! Jesus Christ grabs it and hits LeBron James in stride before the defense can even match up. Oldest play in the book, and LeBron James runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Harry Kane makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. The messiah just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Set called, Harry Kane waved out to the corner, and Jesus Christ watches the spacing open up like a front door. LeBron James just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Harry Kane half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. The association football player gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Stephen Curry breaks a shell down. OHHHH the pocket pass! Harry Kane splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! LeBron James missed that one with real conviction.

Look at that bench, not one man seated. Shaquille O'Neal had this moment circled since the walkthrough, and the shot has not even gone up. Two seconds left, Shaquille O'Neal rises, perfect footwork, perfect release, and the ball rattles out like the hoop had a lid on it.

Stephen Curry shakes Shaquille O'Neal's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. And here is the answer to our game show Hollywood Squares Off! Harlan Prewitt of Muddy Boot, Mississippi, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' The answer was of course that they are showing off for the ceiling. Harlan therefore wins a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards! During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

89-128 (L)

LeBron James flies at a jump shooter thirty feet from the rim and lands on his hip. Three shots coming.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and LeBron James has known that all night long. Second pass beats the rotation, Shaquille O'Neal to Stephen Curry, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Stephen Curry put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Somebody explain how the messiah reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Whirl, and GONE! LeBron James leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Two defenders in the lane, LeBron James splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

LeBron James sprints to the sideline, hops onto the scorer's table and raises both fists. The stat crew grabs their laptops and security is already moving. A trainer hauls him down by the shorts before anybody gets fined. Worth it, obviously.

Rest. Harry Kane buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Exclusive: Harry Kane was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show The Newlywed Regret Game! To win a genuine imitation leather fanny pack, text HOOPS to 555-0155 and answer this question: 'How many potato chips are in a family size bag before the air gets involved?' Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.

Reach-in on Jesus Christ. He wanted the steal, he bought a foul. The messiah sits down with four. You want to be furious, but honestly, he came here straight off a full shift.

OHHHH the separation! Stephen Curry just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Wide open at the top of the key and Stephen Curry cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The officials swallow a LOT of noise in this league, so understand exactly what it took for Stephen Curry to get whistled up for that one.

A single dribble is all LeBron James needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Rim out for LeBron James, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Ball moves. Stephen Curry to Jesus Christ, on time and on target. The messiah runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Harry Kane scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Jesus Christ rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. TRAVEL! Jesus Christ took the scenic route to the rim and the whistle ended the tour.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The league mails out fines for that, and Shaquille O'Neal should expect an envelope. Officials have seen the act far too often.

LeBron James is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Harry Kane waits at the tunnel entrance. And here is the answer to our game The Newlywed Regret Game! Loretta Bagwell of Turkey Foot, Georgia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many potato chips are in a family size bag before the air gets involved?' The answer was of course eleven, and the remainder is atmosphere. Loretta takes home a genuine imitation leather fanny pack! Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce LeBron James's name. Forgive me. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

103-110 (L)

Tip is UP and Shaquille O'Neal gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The messiah is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and LeBron James pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Pull-up from the elbow by LeBron James, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Jesus Christ kicks it over to LeBron James, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. LeBron James gives it up to Harry Kane on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Rising up out of the corner, Harry Kane sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Halftime. Stephen Curry throws his towel on the floor walking in. Anecdote: Stephen Curry once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. And now, our halftime TV game show The Price is Wrong, Bob! To win a velvet painting of a raccoon in a tuxedo, text HOOPS to 555-0187 and answer this question: 'What is the middle name of the man who invented the folding chair?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

Down goes LeBron James, up goes the entire bench, and this team just got the basketball back for free.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Jesus Christ makes it every single trip down the floor. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Stephen Curry does. BANG is what Stephen Curry was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the messiah, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to LeBron James, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and LeBron James hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how LeBron James breaks a shell down. The extra pass! Jesus Christ had the look, gave it up anyway, and Harry Kane buries it. BANG! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Harry Kane is walking back with both hands on his head.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Swing, swing, and Stephen Curry finds Jesus Christ on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Jesus Christ, and not one single soul could do anything about it. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Jesus Christ has it on a string tonight.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Jesus Christ drops it off to LeBron James on time and on target. OHHHH the hesi! LeBron James froze him solid and he is already gone! Buzzer on the shot clock, LeBron James heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Harry Kane. The officials come back out, cross their arms, and Harry Kane goes from hero to spectator on one signal.

Shaquille O'Neal slams his fist on the bench. Harry Kane places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. And here is the answer to our game The Price is Wrong, Bob! Wendell Frobisher of Gravy Fork, West Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the middle name of the man who invented the folding chair?' The answer was of course Delbert, and the man himself never once sat down. Wendell takes home a velvet painting of a raccoon in a tuxedo! I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

104-111 (L)

No hero ball here: Jesus Christ takes what the defense gives and moves it along. No roll this time. Shaquille O'Neal swings it right back to LeBron James above the break, and it is PURE. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and LeBron James rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

LeBron James climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Stephen Curry refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

There is nothing accidental about that one. Harry Kane hunted the contact, sold it, and bought himself a trip to the stripe. Three dribbles, a deep breath, a nice smooth release from Harry Kane, and then a whole lot of nothing.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Left, right, gone. Stephen Curry put that defender on skates and never even looked back. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Stephen Curry. Cruel.

The locker room. Harry Kane sprawls out full-length on the bench. Rumor has it Harry Kane has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. And now, our halftime TV game show The Great American Trivia Barn! To win a plastic owl that is supposed to scare pigeons but does not, text HOOPS to 555-1183 and answer this question: 'Which knee does a former player mention first at a class reunion?' We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Textbook footwork, textbook release from Stephen Curry, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board. The messiah outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. The whole possession dies right there without Jesus Christ on the offensive glass, and instead it becomes the two easiest points of the quarter.

SKIP PASS! LeBron James fires it cross court to Jesus Christ and the defense is dead in the water! Rough look for the messiah there. In his line of work you get to take that one back, out here it is two points going the other way.

Cross court, on a rope, from the messiah. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Unselfish basketball. LeBron James passes up a good shot and hands Jesus Christ a GREAT one. Nobody drew up that arc. The messiah floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Stephen Curry does. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Stephen Curry is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Stephen Curry never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! REJECTED! Stephen Curry takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

A chair knocked flat, an assistant coach holding somebody back by the jersey, that whole row completely unhinged. That is the LeBron James effect. Snatched! Shaquille O'Neal came out of NOWHERE for that one.

Over the top of everybody. Stephen Curry to Harry Kane in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. They do not teach that in the association football player handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. A cruel spin-out for the messiah, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Harry Kane takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Shaquille O'Neal doesn't drink. Throat too tight. And here is the answer to our game show The Great American Trivia Barn! Garland Shoemaker of Rickety Bridge, New York, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which knee does a former player mention first at a class reunion?' The answer was of course the left one, always, in every county we surveyed. Garland therefore wins a plastic owl that is supposed to scare pigeons but does not! I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

91-104 (L)

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Jesus Christ has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching LeBron James precisely where the play wanted it. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from LeBron James, and not one single soul could do anything about it. LeBron James went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Second shot clock violation of the half with Shaquille O'Neal holding it too long. Live possessions are too expensive to hand back like that.

Shaquille O'Neal sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Jesus Christ finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. The crowd has found its chant, and Shaquille O'Neal is going to be hearing it all night.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Stephen Curry put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! That is the shot Stephen Curry wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Halftime whistle. Shaquille O'Neal spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Anecdote: Shaquille O'Neal fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. And now, our halftime TV game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! To win a bathrobe that is technically a curtain, text HOOPS to 555-0827 and answer this question: 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.

LeBron James kicks it over to Harry Kane, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Harry Kane punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Harry Kane threads a BEAUTY to Jesus Christ under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Clean block, all ball, no whistle, and Shaquille O'Neal jogs back down the floor like nothing happened. The pass is the play here. Shaquille O'Neal never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. Somebody check that job title again: the association football player hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Ice in the veins: Harry Kane taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

LeBron James sizes him up from twenty-five feet, two hard dribbles right, a shoulder fake, and the crowd starts to rise. You cannot foul a shooter out that far, and LeBron James just made this defense pay the maximum price for it.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Reach-in on the messiah. He tried to take the ball the way he takes everything else on the job, politely and with both hands. FIVE on Jesus Christ. One more and his night is finished.

BAAAANG! Ten straight for Harry Kane and this place is a volcano!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Stephen Curry crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Bless him, Stephen Curry tried a move he has clearly only ever pulled off in an empty gym at midnight. Walk.

Harry Kane walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Shaquille O'Neal drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! Bernice Chadwick of Cabbage Patch Corners, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' The answer was of course two million and change, and not one pair matches. Bernice therefore wins a bathrobe that is technically a curtain! During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

111-113 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

GONE down the baseline! Stephen Curry beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and Stephen Curry has earned every second of that reaction.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The messiah turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. The messiah launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Clean feed from LeBron James, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Two defenders collide on the handoff and LeBron James is gone, so Harry Kane earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Off the back iron for LeBron James, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Both teams head in. Stephen Curry has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. True story: Stephen Curry had his parking spot stolen by San Antonio Skyscrapers's mascot. Still talks about it. And now, our halftime TV game show The Big Spin Cycle! To win a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread, text HOOPS to 555-1057 and answer this question: 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

Stephen Curry launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! LeBron James spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! LeBron James loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

LeBron James pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

You judge a locker room by moments like this. Shaquille O'Neal makes the play, and every man on that sideline erupts right along with him. Four live-ball turnovers now for Stephen Curry, and every single one of them has turned into a bucket.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Over the top of everybody. Stephen Curry to Shaquille O'Neal in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Shaquille O'Neal turns the corner off the screen from Jesus Christ, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! The messiah just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Jesus Christ cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Shaquille O'Neal joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

This is the foul that gets your night cut short. Shaquille O'Neal has to contest with a high hand and land in his own space. The official flashes five toward the scorer's table and Shaquille O'Neal just stares at the hardwood. He knows what comes next.

The messiah just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Stephen Curry feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. Stephen Curry gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. Stephen Curry points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

Jesus Christ kicks it over to Stephen Curry, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Look how low Stephen Curry keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Perfect drop-off from Shaquille O'Neal, and Stephen Curry answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

This is the entire night compressed into eight seconds, and the ball never leaves the hands of Shaquille O'Neal. Exactly the way he wanted it. IN AND... OUT! OHHHHH, Shaquille O'Neal cannot believe what he just saw!

LeBron James sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Stephen Curry has his head in his hands. And here is the answer to our game show The Big Spin Cycle! Virgil Stanback of Buzzard Roost Landing, North Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' The answer was of course two dollars and a firm handshake. Virgil therefore wins a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

91-107 (L)

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Jesus Christ makes it every single trip down the floor. Stephen Curry drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. The association football player had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

POCKET PASS! Stephen Curry threads it to Harry Kane between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Rim out for Harry Kane, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Stephen Curry has known that all night long. Shaquille O'Neal stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Fifth possession this half where Shaquille O'Neal has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Jesus Christ already has the defense a full step behind. Watch Harry Kane plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Shaquille O'Neal out of that corner in a blink. Rises, releases, and Shaquille O'Neal sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

The players file out. Jesus Christ exchanges a tense look with the coach. Did you know Jesus Christ entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares Off! To win a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards, text HOOPS to 555-0431 and answer this question: 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then LeBron James slips it to Stephen Curry right in the pocket. Surgical. Blocked into the floor. Stephen Curry will be seeing that one in his sleep.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and LeBron James gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Stephen Curry is doing it the old way.

Hands out, palms up, Stephen Curry shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. Harry Kane is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

The messiah is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. LeBron James pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. That is a dime from Jesus Christ that deserved so much better, and LeBron James knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Somebody explain how the messiah reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! LeBron James never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! LeBron James rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

LeBron James points at Harry Kane first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Harry Kane again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Harry Kane waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Watch the spacing there, LeBron James hits Harry Kane right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. OHHHH the pin-down! Harry Kane pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Stephen Curry. Brutal. That is what heavy minutes do, Harry Kane has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Full stop, full sprint, and the messiah is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. OHHHH! Jesus Christ went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

LeBron James and Stephen Curry walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. And here is the answer to our game show Hollywood Squares Off! Harlan Prewitt of Muddy Boot, Mississippi, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' The answer was of course that they are showing off for the ceiling. Harlan therefore wins a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards! On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.