My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

90-113 (L)

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Magic Johnson already has the defense a full step behind. Down screen, and Godzilla curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Godzilla, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Magic Johnson has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching LeBron James precisely where the play wanted it. Screen, roll, DELIVERY from LeBron James! Nothing but runway to the rim! That is a dime from Godzilla that deserved so much better, and Michael Jordan knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

No block, no foul, just Godzilla being ENORMOUS in the lane, and that shot never had a chance. Wide open runway! Michael Jordan gets to the rim before the defense even crosses halfcourt!

Chest bump so violent that Michael Jordan and LeBron James both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Over the top of everybody. Magic Johnson to Michael Jordan in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. One hard step and Michael Jordan owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Michael Jordan nothing.

Halftime. The physio pounces on Michael Jordan to massage his thighs. Intel: Michael Jordan refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. And now, our halftime TV game show The Bonus Round of Regret! To win a set of curtains printed with enormous cartoon sheep, text HOOPS to 555-1224 and answer this question: 'What is the distance from the free throw line to a lifetime of regret?' The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Laser from Magic Johnson, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Baseline spin from LeBron James at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. The crowd has found its chant, and LeBron James is going to be hearing it all night.

OHHHH that is ROUGH. Magic Johnson gets turned twice and hands it over without ever crossing the line.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

OHHHH the pocket pass! Magic Johnson splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Godzilla wanted the contact so badly that he forgot the small detail where your feet have to be planted.

Michael Jordan feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. Filthy patience from Michael Jordan. He waits for the fly-by, leans into it, and turns one possession into three free points.

GONE down the baseline! LeBron James beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for LeBron James he is on the wrong end of it.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and LeBron James has known that all night long. Michael Jordan rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Michael Jordan attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Salute: sharp, military, held. Michael Jordan delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. LeBron James snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

Jarred Vanderbilt is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Godzilla waits at the tunnel entrance. And here is the answer to our game show The Bonus Round of Regret! Homer Fussell of Poke Salad Crossing, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the distance from the free throw line to a lifetime of regret?' The answer was of course fifteen feet, same as it has always been, which is the cruel part. Homer therefore wins a set of curtains printed with enormous cartoon sheep! Behind the scenes, I learned Godzilla was also a volunteer firefighter in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

117-86 (W)

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Michael Jordan just did it by hitting Godzilla on the back side with acres of room. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Godzilla spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! There is no finesse in that, and there does not need to be. Godzilla simply decided the paint belonged to him.

Godzilla steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

Dribble handoff from Magic Johnson, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Two defenders in the lane, LeBron James splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Swing, swing, and Magic Johnson finds LeBron James on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Unselfish basketball. LeBron James passes up a good shot and hands Michael Jordan a GREAT one. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Michael Jordan, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Jarred Vanderbilt gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because LeBron James saw it a beat early. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Jarred Vanderbilt, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Jarred Vanderbilt loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

Pull-up from the elbow by Michael Jordan, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out. Jarred Vanderbilt SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. That is pure want-to: Jarred Vanderbilt was the only man on the floor who decided that rebound belonged to him.

Jarred Vanderbilt points at LeBron James first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at LeBron James again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. LeBron James waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

Break. Michael Jordan collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know? Michael Jordan has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. And now, our halftime TV game show Jeopardy Adjacent! To win a bucket of concrete turtles from a roadside stand that closed in 2004, text HOOPS to 555-0208 and answer this question: 'Which state has the most rectangular gymnasiums per capita?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

Full audition from Jarred Vanderbilt, arms flailing, head snapping back, and not one official buys a ticket to the show.

LeBron James kicks it over to Magic Johnson, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Magic Johnson never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Shot clock at one, and Magic Johnson just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

OHHHH, what a read by Magic Johnson! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. OHHHH, that one died in the air! LeBron James put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Feet set, chest low, hands high. The player will not give up that block, and the building has decided he is their guy. Rebound to fast break in one motion, courtesy of the player. That is not a hobby, that is a skill set. Get that one framed. LeBron James took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

Under review. Magic Johnson does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. No good! The ball is STILL sitting in the hand of Magic Johnson when that light comes on. Waved off.

Magic Johnson charges toward the crowd. Michael Jordan catches him just before he dives into the stands. And here is the answer to our game show Jeopardy Adjacent! Wanda Jean Stubblefield of Possum Grape, Alabama, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which state has the most rectangular gymnasiums per capita?' The answer was of course Indiana, and it is not particularly close. Wanda Jean therefore wins a bucket of concrete turtles from a roadside stand that closed in 2004! During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

106-108 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Godzilla winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Right through the window. LeBron James to Godzilla on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Rim out for Godzilla, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Third reach charged to Michael Jordan. At some point the officials stop giving you the benefit of the doubt, and that point was two whistles ago.

Whirl, and GONE! Magic Johnson leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. The defense keeps turning contested looks by Magic Johnson into free points. STOP REACHING. No wasted motion at all from Magic Johnson. Both free throws split the net and the scoreboard ticks over twice.

Magic Johnson runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Magic Johnson walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Godzilla has all the room in the world. The player tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Off to the locker room. Michael Jordan has already drained two water bottles. Did you know Michael Jordan plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. And now, our halftime TV game show Scrabble But With Numbers! To win a stack of forty three unread warranty cards, text HOOPS to 555-0736 and answer this question: 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Behind the back was the idea, the ball had entirely different plans, and Magic Johnson gets a collective groan for his trouble.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Michael Jordan the moment he crosses half court. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jordan rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Michael Jordan mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Orlando Magic-Beans fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! LeBron James missed that one with real conviction. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and LeBron James has now cleaned up four misses tonight. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and LeBron James gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. OHHHH that is SILKY! Jarred Vanderbilt with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

Cheap. Nothing about that shot was going down, and Michael Jordan handed over three freebies anyway. Brutal timing on that whistle. This team loses its rim protection the moment Michael Jordan takes a seat, and the paint is wide open now.

HERE WE GO! LeBron James with the rock and everything riding on whatever happens next! You will not draw up a better look. LeBron James got his switch, got his feet set, got it clean off. The basketball gods said no.

Magic Johnson's eyes are glassy. Jarred Vanderbilt mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. And here is the answer to our game show Scrabble But With Numbers! Nadine Frankenberry of Pothole Junction, Iowa, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' The answer was of course one, and it is invisible, and it is a seven. Nadine therefore wins a stack of forty three unread warranty cards! Did you know that Jarred Vanderbilt practices volunteer firefighter on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

103-121 (L)

Give and go! LeBron James gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! The big man never even contested it, and LeBron James still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Magic Johnson threw it before the help even committed. Watch the sell from Michael Jordan here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Getting to his spot and elevating, Michael Jordan puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The coach saw the contact on Godzilla and absolutely LOST it. One whistle later, that is a T on the sideline.

First half is done. Michael Jordan is chugging Gatorade like it's water. The staff told me Michael Jordan sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

Ball moves. LeBron James to Godzilla, on time and on target. Left, right, gone. Godzilla put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Third look from distance for Godzilla tonight and the arc keeps flattening out, tired legs writing checks the jumper cannot cash.

Off the shin, out of bounds, and Magic Johnson cannot bring himself to look at his own bench.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Magic Johnson whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Perfect drop-off from Michael Jordan, and LeBron James answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Philadelphia Injury-Report in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

OHHHH the hesi! Michael Jordan froze him solid and he is already gone! Awful shot by Michael Jordan with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

PICKED HIS POCKET! Michael Jordan jumps the passing lane and he is GONE the other way! Touch pass from LeBron James, and Michael Jordan glides in for the finger roll. Filthy.

Down by the baseline, Michael Jordan points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Godzilla is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Philadelphia Injury-Report coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

LeBron James launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Godzilla is gone, so Jarred Vanderbilt earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Godzilla. The defender fronted him, so Godzilla sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Here comes the slip from Godzilla, and Magic Johnson reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Throwing a shoulder into the defender like he is boarding a crowded train, Godzilla gets whistled for contact he never needed.

Godzilla is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Magic Johnson waits at the tunnel entrance. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

94-107 (L)

SKIP PASS! LeBron James fires it cross court to Godzilla and the defense is dead in the water! Court vision like that on the player is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. LeBron James fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Second pass beats the rotation, Magic Johnson to Jarred Vanderbilt, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. No touch. Jarred Vanderbilt left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Watch the spacing there, Magic Johnson hits Michael Jordan right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Michael Jordan comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Magic Johnson just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and Magic Johnson rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Magic Johnson freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Phoenix No-Defense coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Halftime! Godzilla looks in the mirror and shakes his head. I've been told Godzilla always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feud But Nobody Is Related! To win a gently used trampoline with no springs and one very stern warning label, text HOOPS to 555-0231 and answer this question: 'How long does it take a hot dog to cool down in the upper deck in February?' The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?

One hard jab step and Godzilla is leaning the wrong way, and the drive goes right past his shoulder. The whistle blows, Godzilla throws his hands up in protest, and the replay is going to make that argument very short.

Over the top of everybody. Michael Jordan to Godzilla in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Godzilla does. Heat check for Godzilla and it is GOOD. He is COOKING, and this building knows exactly what it is watching.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Godzilla watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

Godzilla eats the contact so Michael Jordan can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Michael Jordan, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Magic Johnson breaks a shell down. The player just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. The player misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Phoenix No-Defense with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on Michael Jordan. OHHHH the whistle! Number five on Michael Jordan, and this bench cannot believe what it just saw.

Michael Jordan gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Magic Johnson saw it a beat early. Hesitate, GO. Michael Jordan is by that hip before the man even blinks. Fifth possession this half where Michael Jordan has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

LeBron James hacks the arm on purpose, then throws both hands up like he has never touched a soul in his life. Nobody is buying it.

Magic Johnson's lip is trembling. Jarred Vanderbilt dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. And here is the answer to our game show Family Feud But Nobody Is Related! Delbert Cranfill of Bitter Creek Junction, Wyoming, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long does it take a hot dog to cool down in the upper deck in February?' The answer was of course eleven minutes, unless somebody nearby is breathing on it. Delbert therefore wins a gently used trampoline with no springs and one very stern warning label! I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

85-123 (L)

Foul on the three-point shooter, and it is Jarred Vanderbilt. The coach is off the bench with both arms out. Nothing but trouble ahead for Jarred Vanderbilt. Third foul, and this crew is calling it tight on both ends of the floor.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Magic Johnson drops it off to LeBron James on time and on target. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. LeBron James pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Two points left on the floor by LeBron James, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Magic Johnson drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Michael Jordan has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Rest time. Godzilla isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Anecdote of the day: Godzilla forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Casserole! To win a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others, text HOOPS to 555-0177 and answer this question: 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

Clean feed from Magic Johnson, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the player made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. That is what heavy minutes do, Godzilla has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

From WAY downtown off the pop! Magic Johnson with the extra pass and CASH. Baseline drive by Godzilla, he absorbs the hammer from the help defender, and the official is already pointing to the line. Two for two from the player, calm as a Tuesday afternoon. Whatever that job involves all day, it clearly builds very steady hands.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Godzilla never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

This is the foul that gets your night cut short. Magic Johnson has to contest with a high hand and land in his own space.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

They have to shoot over the top of this thing, and the top of it is a long way up. Filthy work from Jarred Vanderbilt.

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and LeBron James just did it by hitting Godzilla on the back side with acres of room. The player takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Buzzer on the shot clock, Godzilla heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Over the top of everybody. LeBron James to Michael Jordan in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Textbook two-man game: Michael Jordan keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Jarred Vanderbilt rolls into an open runway. Michael Jordan threads a BEAUTY to Jarred Vanderbilt under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Ball into LeBron James at the elbow, Magic Johnson plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Baby hook by Magic Johnson, right over that outstretched hand, high off the board, count it.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Magic Johnson disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Jarred Vanderbilt is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Magic Johnson claps his hands in frustration. Michael Jordan clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. And here is the answer to our game Name That Casserole! Bobbie Jo Tatum of Mule Shoe Flats, Texas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' The answer was of course the seagull, even nine hundred miles inland. Bobbie Jo takes home a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others! Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

81-112 (L)

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Michael Jordan pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Ohhh no. Michael Jordan just walked. In front of everybody.

So close. Magic Johnson can only stare at the iron. Nobody put a body on Jarred Vanderbilt and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. Second chance points for Jarred Vanderbilt, tipping his own miss straight back in before his feet ever touched the floor.

Jarred Vanderbilt points at Michael Jordan first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Michael Jordan again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Michael Jordan waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

No hero ball here: Magic Johnson takes what the defense gives and moves it along. OHHHH the separation! LeBron James just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Way short from LeBron James off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

POCKET PASS! LeBron James threads it to Michael Jordan between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of Michael Jordan.

Coach calls everyone back. LeBron James drags his feet toward the tunnel. Word is LeBron James sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. And now, our halftime TV game show High Rollers Low Ceilings! To win a beach towel printed with a map of a landlocked county, text HOOPS to 555-1024 and answer this question: 'How many timeouts can a coach call before the crowd revolts?' Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.

LeBron James gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Magic Johnson saw it a beat early. Hard drive, hard stop, and LeBron James retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, LeBron James fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Magic Johnson, and not one single soul could do anything about it. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Magic Johnson cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Michael Jordan stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. REJECTED! Michael Jordan takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

Michael Jordan rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT! The shot is short, and Jarred Vanderbilt is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. The extra pass! Jarred Vanderbilt had the look, gave it up anyway, and Magic Johnson buries it. BANG! Magic Johnson takes two dribbles past halfcourt, rises from thirty five feet, and the net barely moves. Filthy.

Magic Johnson slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and LeBron James threw it before the help even committed. The player just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Godzilla goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Magic Johnson goes fishing at the point of attack, the ball handler feels the hand on his elbow, and the arm goes straight up. No argument at all. Magic Johnson claps once, hands the ball to the official and heads for the chair. Four fouls, night on pause.

Michael Jordan's eyes are red, jaw tight. Jarred Vanderbilt apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. And here is the answer to our game show High Rollers Low Ceilings! Marlene Trickett of Cornsilk Junction, South Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many timeouts can a coach call before the crowd revolts?' The answer was of course three, and the fourth one starts a conversation nobody enjoys. Marlene therefore wins a beach towel printed with a map of a landlocked county! I learned tonight that Michael Jordan used to be a volunteer firefighter. That explains the unique running style. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

96-111 (L)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Rebounding is pure want-to, and on that one Godzilla just got out-wanted by a stronger, meaner man.

That is the third body Godzilla has turned away this quarter, and the entire lane is starting to think twice about coming in.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Magic Johnson makes it every single trip down the floor. LeBron James gives it up to Godzilla on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Nobody drew up that arc. The player floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

He tried to rise over Jarred Vanderbilt. That was a mistake, and the ball is now several rows deep. One hand, full court, Jarred Vanderbilt hits Michael Jordan in stride and the crowd is already up. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Michael Jordan.

Well-deserved break. LeBron James looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Anecdote: LeBron James fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. And now, our halftime TV game show Second Chance Second Half! To win a hand painted mailbox shaped like a catfish, text HOOPS to 555-1006 and answer this question: 'What is the population of a town on the night of a rivalry game?' Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Michael Jordan has known that all night long. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Jarred Vanderbilt, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. That is the shot Jarred Vanderbilt wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Magic Johnson controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, LeBron James and Magic Johnson just played basketball and the defense got shredded. That is the shot chart lying to you. LeBron James did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Set called, LeBron James waved out to the corner, and Magic Johnson watches the spacing open up like a front door. Screen, pop, SPLASH! LeBron James kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Rises, releases, and Michael Jordan sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

A single dribble is all LeBron James needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. LeBron James had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

They drew this up in the timeout: get it to LeBron James and let the other four stand there and enjoy the show. Feet were down. LeBron James drove through a brick wall, and the officials agree with the brick wall.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Magic Johnson hands it off to Jarred Vanderbilt, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Wrapped up the arm on the gather, plain as day. Magic Johnson gets two, and the bench is already standing. Boring is beautiful, and Magic Johnson is automatic from the stripe. That is how you close a game out.

Magic Johnson slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Magic Johnson pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Michael Jordan takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. And here is the answer to our game show Second Chance Second Half! Hoyt Pennington of Dishrag Springs, Oregon, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the population of a town on the night of a rivalry game?' The answer was of course the whole town plus forty people who moved away in 1987. Hoyt therefore wins a hand painted mailbox shaped like a catfish! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

93-104 (L)

Godzilla sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Magic Johnson finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Godzilla probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Magic Johnson threw it before the help even committed. Watch Michael Jordan plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring LeBron James out of that corner in a blink. Oldest play in the book and it still works: LeBron James passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. LeBron James attacks the paint, absorbs the bump, twists his body all the way around the defender and reverses it in. FILTHY.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Michael Jordan breaks a shell down. No roll this time. Godzilla swings it right back to LeBron James above the break, and it is PURE. LeBron James beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

BACKCOURT! Magic Johnson crossed the timeline, then went right back over it. Possession gone.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Halftime whistle. Magic Johnson spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. They say Magic Johnson has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. And now, our halftime TV game show Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! To win an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak, text HOOPS to 555-0116 and answer this question: 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.

Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Michael Jordan, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Michael Jordan!

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and LeBron James makes it every single trip down the floor. That is vision. Magic Johnson sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the player, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

The zone is set with Jarred Vanderbilt anchoring the middle of it and there is NOWHERE to go! The player just blocked a jump shot into the stands and went back on defense like it was a normal Tuesday.

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Over the top of everybody. LeBron James to Jarred Vanderbilt in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Jarred Vanderbilt has all the room in the world. Prayer from Jarred Vanderbilt. Not answered.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Look how low LeBron James keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Nobody touched him, nobody trapped him, and LeBron James still coughed it up. Easiest whistle these officials will blow all night.

Both coaches are up off the bench pleading while the officials walk the Jarred Vanderbilt sequence back frame by frame. OHHHH the cruelty! Two tenths, and Jarred Vanderbilt gets absolutely nothing.

LeBron James sits on the floor in the hallway. Magic Johnson sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. And here is the answer to our game Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! Wayne Shropshire of Salt Lick Junction, Maine, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' The answer was of course twelve dollars, or one covered dish. Wayne takes home an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak! Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

102-116 (L)

Godzilla times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Kick out to LeBron James, one more to Magic Johnson, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Magic Johnson probes the lane, cups the ball with two hands, then bounces it again. That is the violation they fix in third grade.

One little shoulder dip from Michael Jordan and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Michael Jordan launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Magic Johnson, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Magic Johnson drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

End of the second quarter. Michael Jordan is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Intel: Michael Jordan asked Denver Horse-Track for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Bologna! To win a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore, text HOOPS to 555-0204 and answer this question: 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Two guys on the exact same page, LeBron James and Michael Jordan, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. LeBron James gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice. Hustle play of the night so far. Jarred Vanderbilt gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. Jarred Vanderbilt crashes the glass, snatches that miss out of the air and hammers it home. Onions!

That press is not exotic, it is just relentless, and Michael Jordan has spent three straight possessions trying to breathe. He is on an island out there.

GET THAT OUTTA HERE! Godzilla says NOT in my house!

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

BAAAANG! Magic Johnson sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. AIRBALL! Godzilla missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Magic Johnson rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. That stepback is unguardable once the drive gets sold, and Magic Johnson has had that defender guessing wrong all night long.

Straight to the logo at center court, Magic Johnson plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Give and go! LeBron James gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Ambition, ten out of ten. Footwork, two out of ten. LeBron James beat himself before the defender ever showed up.

Magic Johnson rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Michael Jordan picks up his own and folds it carefully. And here is the answer to our game Bowling for Bologna! Faye Ellen Duckworth of Sweat Bee, Connecticut, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The answer was of course two, and the rest are there for confidence. Faye Ellen takes home a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore! I got a text from Magic Johnson after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

85-121 (L)

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, LeBron James makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Third one of these from Jarred Vanderbilt this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Watch the spacing, Magic Johnson drags two bodies toward the ball and LeBron James is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Prayer from LeBron James. Not answered.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Push the pace! Magic Johnson grabs it and hits Godzilla in stride before the defense can even match up. Oldest play in the book, and Godzilla runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. Not a hand on him. LeBron James flat missed the bunny.

Halftime whistle. Godzilla has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Fun fact: Godzilla blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. And now, our halftime TV game show The Newlywed Timeout! To win a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs, text HOOPS to 555-0472 and answer this question: 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.

SKIP PASS! Magic Johnson fires it cross court to Michael Jordan and the defense is dead in the water! Two guys on the exact same page, Michael Jordan and Godzilla, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Gift wrapped by Godzilla, and Michael Jordan cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

You do not put the other team in the bonus this early. Magic Johnson has to be smarter than contact that never had a chance at the ball. He stays out there with five, which tells you how much this coach trusts Magic Johnson and how little he trusts anybody else.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

This is the kind of detail that keeps coaches awake at night: Godzilla simply has to let that shot miss instead of donating a bucket.

Michael Jordan crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Down, up, and gone for Michael Jordan. The rim is just toying with him now.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Magic Johnson has known that all night long. This is the counter: Godzilla punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Michael Jordan splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. LeBron James owns the highlight reel tonight.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Buzzer on the shot clock, Magic Johnson heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything. Muscled away at the second jump by Jarred Vanderbilt, and this offense resets with a fresh shot clock. Up over the box out, and Jarred Vanderbilt catches it clean and finishes strong through the contact. Somebody just got posterized.

Jarred Vanderbilt runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

STOP AND GO! Michael Jordan hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Blocked into the floor. Michael Jordan will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Jarred Vanderbilt refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. LeBron James watches it and immediately regrets it. And here is the answer to our game show The Newlywed Timeout! Dewey Spillman of Frostbite Flats, Minnesota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' The answer was of course three and a half miles, and the dog does not care for it. Dewey therefore wins a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs! Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

74-118 (L)

OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Michael Jordan left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Michael Jordan had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Magic Johnson has all the room in the world. That is twice tonight Magic Johnson has tried to create with the dribble already dead, and this league does not reward that.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Michael Jordan keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Michael Jordan blows the wide open layup!

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Magic Johnson gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Oh my. Jarred Vanderbilt did not even draw iron.

Players head to the locker room. Godzilla has tape on three fingers. Anecdote: Godzilla slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And now, our halftime TV game show The Great American Trivia Barn! To win a plastic owl that is supposed to scare pigeons but does not, text HOOPS to 555-1183 and answer this question: 'Which knee does a former player mention first at a class reunion?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The crew chief has the headset on, three angles on the screen, everybody in here staring at Magic Johnson. Look at the freeze frame: not a sliver of Magic Johnson touching that stripe. That is a triple.

Blowing smoke off two fingers like a gunslinger, Magic Johnson holsters them in his waistband. LeBron James plays dead on the baseline. The mascot joins the bit uninvited. A referee has to physically separate a celebration from an inbound play.

Ball moves. LeBron James to Magic Johnson, on time and on target. Magic Johnson comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Textbook footwork, textbook release from Magic Johnson, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Give and go! Magic Johnson gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! BANG is what Magic Johnson was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, Michael Jordan drops it off perfectly for Godzilla diving to the rim. Down, up, and gone for Godzilla. The rim is just toying with him now.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Nothing. Again. Jarred Vanderbilt is staring at that rim like it owes him money. Horn goes, ball still in the hands of Jarred Vanderbilt. Shot clock violation, and that possession never existed.

First option: LeBron James. Everything else on that clipboard is decoration. Drawn up in the huddle, executed by the player, who clocks in somewhere else on Monday morning. Perfect.

Godzilla freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Cleveland Twin-Towers coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Jarred Vanderbilt kicks his towel across the floor. LeBron James has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game show The Great American Trivia Barn! Garland Shoemaker of Rickety Bridge, New York, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which knee does a former player mention first at a class reunion?' The answer was of course the left one, always, in every county we surveyed. Garland therefore wins a plastic owl that is supposed to scare pigeons but does not! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

106-111 (L)

Swing, swing, and Michael Jordan finds Jarred Vanderbilt on the wing before the help can even turn its head. The extra pass! Jarred Vanderbilt had the look, gave it up anyway, and Godzilla buries it. BANG! OHHHH the POWER! Godzilla took the hit and finished it anyway!

Careless stuff from Jarred Vanderbilt. That is a free trip to the line for a steal that was never happening. Most defenders get to use their hands. Jarred Vanderbilt has five, so he is out there guarding with his eyebrows.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Two on the board for the visitors, and Jarred Vanderbilt knows it before the officials even get their hands up.

The help defender committed way too early, and Michael Jordan made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Michael Jordan. Cruel.

The players disappear. Michael Jordan has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Confession: Michael Jordan calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! To win a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA, text HOOPS to 555-0938 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.

Clean feed from Magic Johnson, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Here comes Magic Johnson sprinting off the elbow. Jarred Vanderbilt slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Magic Johnson lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

No hero ball here: Magic Johnson takes what the defense gives and moves it along. OHHHH that is filthy! Jarred Vanderbilt on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Soft touch from LeBron James, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Michael Jordan makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Back breaker. A four point play swings this thing by two full possessions, and Jarred Vanderbilt did it with a hand in his face.

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Jarred Vanderbilt keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

SKIP PASS! LeBron James fires it cross court to Jarred Vanderbilt and the defense is dead in the water! The defender planted his feet, and Jarred Vanderbilt said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Godzilla threads a BEAUTY to Jarred Vanderbilt under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

There is nothing accidental about that one. Jarred Vanderbilt hunted the contact, sold it, and bought himself a trip to the stripe. The crowd has already started the chant, and Jarred Vanderbilt can hear every syllable. There is no hiding at that line.

Jarred Vanderbilt walks it up past the timeline, nine seconds showing, and you can feel the air go out of this arena. It caught the front rim, kissed the back iron, took a full lap and fell off. Jarred Vanderbilt is on his knees at half court.

Magic Johnson refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Michael Jordan watches it and immediately regrets it. And here is the answer to our game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! Dwight Hufnagel of Bogwater, Maine, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' The answer was of course the excuses, because they come with packaging. Dwight therefore wins a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA! I learned tonight that Magic Johnson used to be a volunteer firefighter. That explains the unique running style. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

80-114 (L)

Swing, swing, and Magic Johnson finds LeBron James on the wing before the help can even turn its head. LeBron James holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Godzilla flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. A cut with that timing from the player? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Deep. Deeper. GONE. Godzilla drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Godzilla slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Magic Johnson put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! The filthy euro-step in traffic was the idea, but the feet got greedy and the whistle blew Magic Johnson dead.

Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. Michael Jordan pays for that one.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Heading in. Magic Johnson's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Juicy intel: Magic Johnson turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. And now, our halftime TV game show Spin the Wheel Slowly! To win a coffee table book about drainage ditches of the Midwest, text HOOPS to 555-1159 and answer this question: 'How many seconds does it take to lose a lead of thirty points?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

SPIN and GO! Michael Jordan pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Michael Jordan rises from deep, the defender flies in a half second late, and the officials put up three fingers.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from LeBron James. OHHHH! LeBron James went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

This has turned into a private conversation. Jarred Vanderbilt scores, the man across from him scores, run it again.

Magic Johnson hands it off to LeBron James, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. TRAVEL! Magic Johnson took the scenic route to the rim and the whistle ended the tour.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Magic Johnson turns the corner off the screen from LeBron James, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Gift wrapped by Michael Jordan, and LeBron James cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jordan just gift wrapped three free throws on a heat check. Third whistle on Michael Jordan. He could argue the first two. This one he cannot.

Two decoy screens, a flare to the weak side, then Jarred Vanderbilt coming off the second one. That is the whole thing. LeBron James delivers on the second option, Jarred Vanderbilt buries it, and the coach is already walking back to the bench like he knew. He did know.

Chest bump so violent that Jarred Vanderbilt and Magic Johnson both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Godzilla watches the crowd file out in silence. Jarred Vanderbilt prefers not to look. And here is the answer to our game show Spin the Wheel Slowly! Elouise Tackett of Chigger Bottom, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many seconds does it take to lose a lead of thirty points?' The answer was of course four hundred and ten seconds, provided everybody cooperates. Elouise therefore wins a coffee table book about drainage ditches of the Midwest! I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

82-126 (L)

Five bodies moving as one, Godzilla barking out every rotation, and there is not a crack anywhere in this thing.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Unselfish basketball. LeBron James passes up a good shot and hands Magic Johnson a GREAT one. Watch the feet on Magic Johnson there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? LeBron James treats every miss like it belongs to him. Miss, tip, bucket. LeBron James makes his living in the wreckage.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. LeBron James is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Shot clock violation! Godzilla owns the nail, the middle is a no fly zone, and that possession just expired in their hands. Four live-ball turnovers now for Jarred Vanderbilt, and every single one of them has turned into a bucket.

Break time. Magic Johnson bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Anecdote: Magic Johnson once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a lifetime supply of expired coupons, text HOOPS to 555-0142 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Total control. Magic Johnson has this thing on a string. Two defenders, one gap, and Jarred Vanderbilt finds it. Onions on that pass. BRICK! Magic Johnson throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Screened, toasted, done. Michael Jordan is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. LeBron James threads a BEAUTY to Michael Jordan under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Magic Johnson already has the defense a full step behind. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Michael Jordan left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Prayer from Michael Jordan. Not answered.

Third straight empty trip for the other guys, third straight bucket involving Michael Jordan. That is exactly how a 10-0 stretch gets built. Hands on hips over there, a clipboard down on the chair, and it is all because of what Michael Jordan just did.

LeBron James attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Look at LeBron James mouthing an apology toward his own bench before the call is even announced. He knew instantly.

Michael Jordan gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Magic Johnson saw it a beat early. OHHHH the pin-down! Michael Jordan pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Jarred Vanderbilt. Brutal. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Michael Jordan has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Clean feed from Magic Johnson, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. The player pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Jab, jab, STEPBACK. Magic Johnson snatched his ankles and let it go clean.

Magic Johnson scratches the back of his neck nervously. Michael Jordan has the look of someone who has seen things. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Misfortune! Darlene Puckett of Lower Buttermilk, Kansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' The answer was of course four hundred and six, and the coach has never spoken of it since. Darlene takes home a lifetime supply of expired coupons! Tonight I learned Magic Johnson used to be a volunteer firefighter before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'