My dream soccer team — football_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. GOOOOAL! Superman flies like a bird on the cross from Monkey D. Luffy and powers his header into the bottom corner!

Superman mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Wally West plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Sanji plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Superb diagonal from the scientist to Barry Allen, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. The superhero rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great.

It's there! Paris Saint-Glinglin hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Sanji goes long for Captain America, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. The military personnel switches the play to Monkey D. Luffy, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Good ball from Monkey D. Luffy to Captain America, playing it quick between the lines. The military personnel whips in a classic cross for Wally West in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

Wicked through ball from Monkey D. Luffy, the ball skims the grass and finds Goku who had set off before anyone else even noticed. The farmer overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Failed slide from Goku, ends up on his backside while the attacker accelerates past him. Captain America hauls down the attacker as the last defender. The referee has no choice — straight red.

Goku paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Goku exhales and sits. A wonderful anecdote — Hulk once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 28 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Would I Lie to the Council! To win planning permission for a shed, text 0800SHED and answer: 'How many forms does it take to get planning permission for a garden shed two inches too tall?' Here come the lads. Monkey D. Luffy jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Through ball from the archer for Miles Morales, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. No question about that one, Miles Morales was clearly offside when Goku released the pass. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Good ball from the superhero to Spider-Man, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Quick one-two between Superman and Barry Allen, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from the superhero for Wally West. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality. Wally West unleashes a strike that is stopped dead by the defender. He put everything into that block. Monkey D. Luffy thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. The opponent beats Miles Morales to the near post and wins the header. Miles Morales was caught on his heels.

With one swing of the boot, Captain America finds Monkey D. Luffy on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Monkey D. Luffy wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. Monkey D. Luffy boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. The opponent gets the better of the scientist in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak.

Sanji opts for the short option to Captain America, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Burst of pace from Captain America on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Chipped cross from Captain America over the defensive wall, Goku collects it behind the back line.

Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Miles Morales gets his cross wrong, too much power, not enough accuracy. The keeper gathers. The cook gathers the ball in his zone. In that position, knowing how to come out and claim a cross is as valuable as a reflex save. Spider-Man links up with Monkey D. Luffy, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

Monkey D. Luffy gives the defender not a single second on the ball and wins possession. Pressing is a state of mind, and Monkey D. Luffy has it running through his veins. The ship captain winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. Ball into space from the superhero for Spider-Man, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. Cut-back along the ground from Spider-Man on the right, Miles Morales picks it up centrally in front of goal. Massive chance.

Points shared. Superman sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Monkey D. Luffy crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Roger from St Albans says forty-seven forms and a two-year waiting period for the shed. Planning permission granted for Roger! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-0 (W)

Spider-Man unleashes a shot, the defender sticks out an arm. PENALTY! That's a silly thing to do in your own box. GOOOAL from the superhero on the penalty! In that position, when you are the one taking the penalties and burying them, you are the boss of the team.

Spider-Man mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Hawkeye plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Sanji applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

The board is up, no one is allowed to switch off now. No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. WHAT A SHAME for Spider-Man! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game.

Intense pressing from the superhero, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team. Superman sends the ball into the stands, miles away from goal. Sanji throws it out quickly to Superman, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

The ball carrier has no time, three shirts on him instantly. Superman presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Brilliant pass from Superman! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Spider-Man is onto it. Spider-Man curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save!

Short restart from the cook to Goku, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Crossfield pass from Goku to Miles Morales, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Miles Morales finds Monkey D. Luffy between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Sublime through ball from Monkey D. Luffy for Superman who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken.

Sanji mimics the referee's running style down the corridor and the entire dressing room loses it. Even the kit man is doubled over. Wally West wipes tears from {his} eyes. The gaffer tries to bring order but cracks a smile himself. "Alright, alright, save the comedy for after the match. We have got 45 minutes to see this through." A delightful detail about Hulk — he's been knitting scarves since lockdown and hasn't stopped. The entire squad has one. They're absolutely terrible, full of holes, but nobody has the heart to tell him. The lad is 28 and fully committed to the craft. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Goku comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

The superhero floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. What composure from Sanji! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Clearance from the cook towards Hawkeye, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Dangerous delivery from the superhero on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. The superhero wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Wally West picks his spot and FIRES! On target, arrowing towards the top corner but the keeper tips it over!

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Goku meets the cross from Barry Allen with his head, it is wide! The keeper did not even move. Sanji rolls it short to Captain America into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

The superhero sees his cross deflected behind for a corner. It happens, but you have got to keep delivering from that side. Barry Allen hoofs the corner into the stands, goal kick. Absolutely embarrassing.

Elastico from the farmer, the defender is bamboozled. That kind of showmanship in that role is the X-factor that makes the difference. Firm pass from Goku into Barry Allen, right into the boots. No waste. The superhero shifts Spider-Man into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded.

Full time whistle and it's absolute SCENES! Sanji drops to his knees, fists clenched, roaring at the sky. Wally West slides in and wraps him in a bear hug. The away end is bouncing. México No-Era-Penal trudge off while our lot sing their hearts out. Take a bow, lads. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

Lovely cross from the superhero on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. NOOOO it is HEARTBREAK for Captain America! Own goal! The cross from Monkey D. Luffy was harmless, HARMLESS! But Captain America diverts it in with a completely botched clearance. The kind of OG that BREAKS you.

Frenzied press, two players jumping on every touch. Hulk reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Hulk threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Barry Allen bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Barry Allen unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner. The superhero puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs.

Short pass from the archer to Goku, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The farmer plays the one-two with Monkey D. Luffy and finds himself through. When you have got that understanding on the pitch, you cause havoc. Flag up! Goku was beyond the last man when Spider-Man released the pass. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something.

The cook finds Hulk with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Hulk keeps it short to Spider-Man, no frills, just good football intelligence. It is not happening for Spider-Man, the pass to Hulk is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces.

It's in the back of the net! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Sanji spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Superman gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

The gaffer pulls up Casablanca Dima-Maghrib's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Monkey D. Luffy, you have the pace. Miles Morales, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Now here's one for you — Superman was reportedly spotted in a Wetherspoons at half seven on a Tuesday morning, nursing a full English and reading the Racing Post. At 180 tall, he says the big breakfast is the only thing that fuels a man his size. And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Spider-Man is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. The timing is everything: Goku releases the ball at the perfect moment and Monkey D. Luffy explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. What a recovery from the superhero! Sprints like a madman to get back and cover. When you've got a player like that, you know the team will never quit. Wally West puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end.

Quick exchange between Captain America and Monkey D. Luffy, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Monkey D. Luffy sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Hawkeye. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Pinpoint delivery from the archer towards Hulk, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job.

Captain America delivers a tidy ball to Monkey D. Luffy, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. The ship captain spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Goku. That is exactly why he is out there. Overlap from the farmer with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

Superman passes short to Wally West, the ball comes back, new delivery coming up. The superhero lays it off first time to Goku, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The farmer butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball.

Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening. The farmer shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Wally West. Pure quality, as per usual. Incredible burst of pace from Wally West, he eats up the ground in just a few strides.

Full time and it's level. Monkey D. Luffy stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Sanji grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-2 (L)

And it's a goal! Dakar Teranga FC punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Dead defender. Sanji mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Wally West completes the choreography by collapsing. Sanji arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Solo run from Barry Allen, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. GOOOOAL! Barry Allen lets his INDIVIDUAL talent do the talking! Three dribbles, perfect finish, the ball is in!

Stunning tackle by Hawkeye in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Barry Allen onto the pass from Monkey D. Luffy, he spots the keeper off his line and lobs him! GOAL! A finish of outrageous ELEGANCE, the ball clears the gloves and drops in!

Hawkeye climbs onto Barry Allen's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Sanji circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Oh dear oh dear! Dakar Teranga FC score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Sanji. Captain America is on his knees clapping, Sanji is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. They're turning the screw here, wave after wave of attack. Cross from Miles Morales off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Spider-Man at the far side.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Superman. And you, Sanji. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Unbelievable but true — Hawkeye has been banned from three separate branches of Nando's for excessive use of the bottomless refill machine. He views it as a personal challenge, not a service. The man is 28 and shows no signs of slowing down. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 3141 and answer this question: 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Superman knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Sanji launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Hulk after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Hulk unleashes a raking ball out to Superman, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. The superhero dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces.

The cook throws it out to Spider-Man, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. The superhero produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. Monkey D. Luffy sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Hulk is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Hulk with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one!

Massive clearance from Captain America, just get the ball as far away as possible. Raking ball from the superhero to Spider-Man, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Overlap and cross from Spider-Man, the ball drops at the feet of Wally West in the heart of the box. Wally West is beaten in the air on the free kick, the opponent read the flight of the ball better. Aerial claim from the cook, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear.

No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Barry Allen switches the play to Monkey D. Luffy on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Foul given against Hulk, he went through the back of the opponent.

Sanji sends an absolute rocket towards Superman, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Backpass from Superman goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Goku drops it into space for Captain America, the kind of pass that looks simple but requires a reading of the game that is way above average. Burst of speed from the military personnel down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs.

Shared match. Sanji walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Wally West does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?'. The answer was of course a sort of moist sigh, like a librarian who has lost her bookmark. Colin wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Miles Morales crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Hawkeye is in the right place. The archer deflects the ball into his own net! In that position, this is the nightmare you have the night before a match. The ball bounces off him and lobs the keeper. NOOOO, this is CRUEL for him!

Miles Morales places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Hulk falls to his knees bowing. Sanji does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

It's a goal! Douala Makossa-Corner go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

High recovery from Barry Allen! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. GOOOAL! Barry Allen follows up the strike from Spider-Man and toes it in at the back post! POACHER'S goal!

Barry Allen climbs onto Superman's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Sanji circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Complete suffocation, the opposition can't get past the halfway line. The superhero gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. The scientist intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing.

Give and go from the military personnel with Goku, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold. The military personnel was beyond the last man when Goku played it. Clear offside. Sanji sparks the transition with a quick throw to Hulk, the break is lightning fast. Hulk slips Wally West in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. The superhero beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill.

Hawkeye rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Barry Allen glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Miles Morales's car broke down on the M25 twenty minutes before a cup final, and the 28-year-old hitchhiked with a plumber called Keith from Watford. Both made it in time — Keith got a free programme. And now, our TV game show Fifteen to One Complaint! To win a year of free parking at a hospital that charges for parking, text 4345 and answer: 'How much does it cost to park at a British hospital for twenty minutes?' And the second half is go! Barry Allen charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Wall pass between the superhero and Captain America, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. The superhero catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. Spider-Man goes into the book for accumulated fouls. The ref put the whistle away too long.

They're going for the jugular, this is a side in full flow. Looping cross from Miles Morales, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Captain America. Danger. Captain America loses the header, physically outmatched by his marker. It happens, but at this stage of the match it hurts.

Sanji plays it along the ground to Miles Morales, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Miles Morales looks for Captain America with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. That's a beauty from Monkey D. Luffy! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Monkey D. Luffy sends an aerial beauty to Spider-Man, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Spider-Man lofts a cross into the box, Wally West is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce.

GOAAAL for Douala Makossa-Corner! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

The crowd is singing its lungs out, giving the attackers wings. CRAAACKER from Barry Allen outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide!

Spider-Man floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Acceleration from Miles Morales down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Failed dribble from Miles Morales, he tried to do too much and the defender capitalises. Lovely anticipation from the ship captain who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal.

The electronic board lights up with added minutes, both benches on their feet. Rapid combination: Monkey D. Luffy to Miles Morales, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Wing switch from Miles Morales, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Wally West brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Good cross from the superhero for Hawkeye in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality.

Level. Spider-Man picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Wally West waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. Ron from Doncaster says it costs roughly the same as a small holiday in Benidorm. Free hospital parking for Ron! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-3 (L)

The ship captain plays it simple to Captain America, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Wall combination between Captain America and Hulk, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. MAJESTIC GOAL from Captain America! He dribbles past half the opposition team and sends the ball into the net. UNFORGETTABLE!

The superhero gets to the byline and floats one in for Goku. Crossing is his bread and butter. Goku has just scored the goal of his life... in the WRONG net! Nooooo! The cross from Monkey D. Luffy arrives, he tries to intercept but he diverts the ball into his own goal. The ULTIMATE defender's nightmare.

Perfect back flip from Miles Morales right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Superman tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Sanji has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

The cook goes long for Wally West, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Well spotted by Wally West who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation.

The superhero cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Barry Allen. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Offside against the superhero, who mistimed his run on Monkey D. Luffy's pass. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Captain America changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Monkey D. Luffy. The defence is caught completely flat-footed.

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. Miles Morales sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. Hawkeye is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. A teammate has confirmed that Wally West watches Bargain Hunt religiously and shouts at the telly when contestants overpay. He once phoned in to complain about a Staffordshire pottery valuation. The man is 28 and fully invested in daytime antiques. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1066 and answer this question: 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Sanji leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

They've done it! Lagos No-Carry-Last find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Sanji unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Barry Allen makes a heart sign with his hands. Sanji finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Diagonal from Captain America to Superman, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Superman delivers from the byline, Wally West is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. SAAAAAVED by Sanji! The strike was fizzing but the keeper dived and tipped it with his fingertips! Wally West is all alone at the back post on the corner from Spider-Man, he heads it but it goes wide.

The superhero sets up Captain America with a pull-back inside the eighteen. When you have got that footballing brain, you change matches. NOOOOO the military personnel fluffs it in front of an empty net! Hawkeye had done everything. In that role, you simply cannot miss those. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge.

It was bound to happen. Lagos No-Carry-Last score and honestly, we deserved that.

Sanji dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The ship captain devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match. Monkey D. Luffy has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing.

Wally West launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Wally West spots Captain America in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality.

The superhero bends the ball into the box for Miles Morales. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. The superhero misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in. Monkey D. Luffy clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

Short distribution from Sanji to Wally West, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Wally West, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Wally West hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. The superhero lays it off for Hawkeye in the box. The pull-back pass is the deadliest weapon in that position. WHAT A SAVE from the cook! That kind of keeper wins you matches all on his own.

It's over and Lagos No-Carry-Last take the points. Captain America shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Wally West walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?'. The answer was of course a sort of disappointed beige. Trevor wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-1 (W)

Killer ball from Monkey D. Luffy through the gap! Wally West bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. GOOOOOAL signed by the superhero! Placed shot, ball in the bottom corner. In that position, that kind of finish is what justifies the wages.

They push up as a unit, the opposition can't string two passes together. Barry Allen nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic. GOOOOAL from the superhero! He curls it like a master and beats the keeper. In that position, when you have that composure in front of goal, you are decisive.

Barry Allen spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Superman gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

The archer reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Burst of speed from Monkey D. Luffy, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

Superman sends a wicked free kick into the area, Captain America is lurking with intent. WHAT A HEADER from Captain America! It fliiiiies... but it goes wide. The post was shaking. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face.

Driven kick from Sanji to Goku, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Goku explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Foul by the farmer, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. Yellow card for Goku, the fouls kept piling up and the referee's patience ran out.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Sanji, you have been outstanding. Wally West, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." Roommates on away trips confirm Captain America sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 28, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2626 and answer this question: 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Superman picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. What a rush out from Sanji! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Sanji distributes by hand to Captain America on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. The military personnel positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Captain America decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Hulk to Monkey D. Luffy, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Monkey D. Luffy forces a pass to Hawkeye who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. High recovery from the superhero who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. The ship captain lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in.

Hulk dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Hulk clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival.

Crucial intervention from the archer, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Hawkeye gives it to Goku into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Goku puts it right into the feet of Superman, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Inch-perfect cross from Superman, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Hulk at the back post. Hulk attempts to cross but the defender gets a foot in, blocked cleanly.

GOAAAL for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Sanji dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Brilliant switch of play from Barry Allen! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Monkey D. Luffy. The ship captain accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Monkey D. Luffy shifts it to Wally West with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Wally West slides it to Captain America, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Rapid combination Captain America-Miles Morales, the one-two rips through the midfield. That is snooker.

Final whistle! Superman bear-hugs the gaffer so hard he nearly lifts him off the ground. Captain America is doing keep-ups in the centre circle for the fans. The dressing room's going to be a war zone of champagne and bad singing tonight. Barranquilla Toque-Toque won't want to watch the highlights. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course none, they're the same stop, the bus just goes round twice for dramatic effect. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-0 (W)

Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. Monkey D. Luffy takes his bearings and places a CLINICAL finish! The keeper was beaten everywhere, GOAL!

Sideways ball from Goku to Wally West, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. The superhero bounces off Superman for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better. Barry Allen launches a long ball for Wally West, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Quick throw from Sanji to Miles Morales out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Miles Morales senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best.

Sanji finds Spider-Man with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. The superhero roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. The superhero gets his cross wrong, too much juice on it. The intent is there but the execution lets him down tonight. Sanji gathers the cross with both hands above the scrum. The keeper is the supreme authority in his box. Sanji distributes short to Spider-Man, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

Free kick from Monkey D. Luffy, lovely delivery and Hulk rises above the defence. Hulk dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. The scientist launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Hulk launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Hawkeye, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Hawkeye tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Emergency clearance from Captain America, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

"We are cruising, lads, but we keep the foot on the gas, understood?" The gaffer is calm but firm. Superman responds with a thumbs up, mouth full of banana. Spider-Man is retying {his} boots for the third time, a habit that drives the kit man mad. The mood is confident without being cocky. Just right. Nutritionists are baffled by Hulk's insistence on eating Monster Munch before every match. At 180 tall, the lad credits pickled onion flavour specifically for his aerial dominance. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Superman squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Foul by Hawkeye, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical. Hawkeye finally gets the card he's been asking for. Too many fouls to ignore. The archer sees his free kick stopped by the wall! In that position, the wall is a CLASSIC obstacle, you have to keep trying.

The superhero celebrates but it's chalked off, offside from Captain America's cross. In that position, half a yard costs you. The referee is reviewing the footage, taking his sweet time. The fans can barely watch. Disallowed by VAR! The archer won't get on the scoresheet. In that position, these chances are precious and this one's gone. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

The scientist finds Superman in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. The overlap from Superman, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Lob from Superman over the defensive line, the ball drops right onto Monkey D. Luffy. What precision. Lovely claim from Sanji! He comes through traffic and gathers without flinching. Top class goalkeeping. The cook throws it out to Captain America, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

The superhero dummies the shot and plays it short. In that position, that ability to read the defence and pick the right option is what separates the great players. WIIIIIDE! Wally West put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. Wide from the superhero! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in.

The team is resisting with real discipline, no cracks in the shape. The cook climbs and gathers the cross with both hands. In that position, that authority is what makes the difference in the big matches. Sanji plays it short to Miles Morales, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

GET IN THERE! Barry Allen slides on his knees across the wet turf, Spider-Man piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Montevideo Garra-Charrúa can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-1 (W)

The superhero starts a one-two with Barry Allen, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class. Miles Morales does not do subtle, he sends a SCREAMER that ends up top corner. GOAL!

Miles Morales rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Captain America jumps on his back, Sanji is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

The superhero presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. GOOOOOAL! Barry Allen was THERE where he needed to be, he toes the ball into the empty net. What a fox!

Barry Allen sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Goku photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Goku fires the ball over to Superman with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Error from the superhero, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. High recovery from Spider-Man who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. The ship captain has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. Hawkeye clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Goku launches it to Hawkeye on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

The ship captain puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. The superhero tries to cross but it is blocked. In that position, you know not every ball is getting through.

Tea and biscuits are doing the rounds in the dressing room. Hawkeye has nabbed three custard creams before anyone else gets a look in. "Oi, leave some for the rest of us, you greedy sod," shouts Superman from across the room. The gaffer is smiling. When the biscuit tin comes out, you know things are going well. A wonderful anecdote — Monkey D. Luffy once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 28 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Barry Allen leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Superb tackle from the military personnel, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. The superhero accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Good cross from the superhero for Miles Morales in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. The cross from Miles Morales is gathered by the keeper without the slightest difficulty. Pointless.

Lay-off from Hawkeye to Hulk, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Hulk releases Wally West with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Monkey D. Luffy beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. The referee BLOWS! Penalty! Monkey D. Luffy has been hauled down in the box by a defender. The ground is BUZZING, everyone is on their feet! Monkey D. Luffy hits his penalty but it's pushed away by the keeper! He dived the right way. Sanji plays out from the back with Barry Allen, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

The ship captain roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Monkey D. Luffy reaches the byline and cuts it back for Hulk arriving from the second wave. Cross from Hulk intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. The superhero hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Spider-Man goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

It's over and we've won it! Sanji grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Wally West pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-0 (W)

The superhero wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice. The superhero aims with surgical precision on the pass from Spider-Man! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

Perfect back flip from Miles Morales right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Wally West tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Sanji has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Emergency clearance from the archer, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Spider-Man beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Spider-Man overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Spider-Man lays it off first time to Hulk, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

Massive diagonal from Barry Allen! Miles Morales receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Little shift from Miles Morales to Hulk, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. One touch football: Hulk to Miles Morales, faster than the opposition can think. Miles Morales gives it to Goku who returns it first time, Miles Morales ghosts past his man like he does not exist.

The ship captain does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. Monkey D. Luffy gifts Goku a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Goku sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

Hulk rolls it to Hawkeye, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. BY A WHISKER! Hawkeye fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Superman goes crossfield to Miles Morales, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

Hawkeye starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Captain America conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Here's a belter — Monkey D. Luffy is genuinely terrified of pigeons. Absolutely petrified. The lads had to escort him through Trafalgar Square last summer and he was clinging to the physio like a child. He's 180 and built like a shed, but one pigeon and he's gone. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 7788 and answer this question: 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?' Captain America leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Spider-Man gives it quickly to Miles Morales on the short corner, they want to catch the defense off guard. The superhero finds Captain America along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. SHOOOOT from the military personnel! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure.

Decisive interception from the archer, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Hawkeye drops a lofted ball to Superman, it sails over the entire midfield line. Floated cross from Superman off the right, Captain America has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. Header from the military personnel, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there.

The scientist reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Hulk boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Massive punt from Sanji, sends the ball sixty yards, Superman is scrapping for it up top. Superman rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Hulk. The far side is completely deserted.

Good ball from the ship captain to Miles Morales, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Miles Morales whips in a cross at head height, Goku anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. Cross from Goku deflected behind for a corner, the defender read the play perfectly. Sanji catapults the ball towards Hulk from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot.

Corner from Spider-Man, Captain America heads it but it sails over the crossbar. Frustrating! The ship captain boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Hawkeye wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

That is a statement result! Wally West stands at the centre circle and applauds every corner of the ground, slowly, deliberately. Miles Morales joins him. The floodlights catch the moment perfectly. Somewhere, a photographer just got his picture of the season. Rio Malandro FC won't forget this one. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?'. The answer was of course the 21st, specifically in 2004, following a landmark case in Barnsley Crown Court. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-2 (L)

Oh that's heartbreaking! Istanbul Cehennem FK score right on the stroke of half-time.

Solo charge from Superman, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. The superhero is illegally stopped in the box, PENALTY! In that position, when you force the defender into a foul inside the 18-yard box, you take the match by the SCRUFF. Moment of TRUTH! GOOOAL! Superman sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Absolute peach from Superman, threading it through for Barry Allen, the centre-halves are done for! What a STRIKER Barry Allen is! He was right where he needed to be, in off the toe. GOOOAL!

GOAAAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Sanji dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Captain America triggers a change of flanks for Monkey D. Luffy, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Monkey D. Luffy is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Massive clearance from the ship captain under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. The superhero plays it simple to Monkey D. Luffy, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. Hawkeye, you go left. Monkey D. Luffy, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. Bit of a scoop for you — Hulk plays Sunday league football under a fake name during the off-season. Goes by 'Dave from Accounts' and plays centre-mid for the Dog and Duck. At 28, the man just loves the game. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Hawkeye wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Wally West uses Superman as a wall, the ball pings back like off a squash court wall. Timing is everything. Devastating burst of pace from Wally West, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. The superhero gets dispossessed mid-dribble. That is the risk when you try it in that position, sometimes it does not come off. Hulk throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Monster clearance from Hulk! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone.

The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Great vision from Monkey D. Luffy who switches to Miles Morales. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Enormous leap from the superhero who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy.

Miles Morales looks up and swings in a floated cross, Hawkeye rises among the defenders. Hawkeye tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything. Barry Allen takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared. Decisive interception from the farmer, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Overlap from Spider-Man on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Spider-Man curls a cross to the near post, Monkey D. Luffy is lurking in the box. Monkey D. Luffy sends his cross straight into the keeper's gloves, nobody on the end of it. Monster clearance from Sanji, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Goku.

Short pass from the superhero to Wally West, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Wally West has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save. The corner from Wally West is headed away by the defence at the near post.

Hawkeye pings a ridiculous diagonal to Hulk. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Great overlap from Hulk down the flank, pinpoint cross for Captain America in the area. This is the moment. Sanji comes off his six-yard line and gathers with both hands. The keeper is the boss of his zone. Long kick from Sanji, Hulk positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Sanji hoofs it forward towards Hawkeye, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Hawkeye sets it for Hulk, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Hulk plays it into the channel for Wally West, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth.

Points shared with Istanbul Cehennem FK. Captain America slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Superman has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-2 (L)

It's there! Milano Piano-Piano tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Knee slide for twenty yards, Sanji arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Monkey D. Luffy slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Monkey D. Luffy to Miles Morales, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The superhero hits the post! In that position, that kind of strike proves how dangerous he is, the goal will come. GOOOAL! Goku sneaks in front of the defender on the cross from Spider-Man and prods the ball in at point-blank range. PERFECT!

Monkey D. Luffy dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Monumental ball from Monkey D. Luffy to Captain America, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Captain America picks out Hulk with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Ground pass from Wally West into the free zone for Spider-Man, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post.

Header lost for Hulk, his opponent beat him to it and won the duel with authority. Sanji fumbles, the ball slips, he parries it into the middle! That is the kind of mistake that costs you. Long ball from Sanji for Hulk who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Hulk feeds Monkey D. Luffy in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Miles Morales, you have barely touched the ball. Superman, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Monkey D. Luffy once held a door open for Gordon Ramsay and inexplicably said 'cheers, Dad.' The 28-year-old has not spoken publicly about the incident, but Ramsay apparently replied 'you're welcome, son.' And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 4466 and answer this question: 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?' Kick-off! Wally West wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

The cook throws it out to Spider-Man, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. The superhero opens up to Barry Allen on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Header won by Barry Allen, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall.

Goku tries to be clever but gets dispossessed cleanly by his direct opponent. The cook pushes it away with the tips of his gloves for a corner. In that position, pulling off a tip like that is the mark of a leader. Well-taken corner from the farmer but the header is wasted. In that position, delivering crosses of that quality is all you can ask, the rest is down to others.

Miles Morales puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Hawkeye is there to finish. Corner from the archer and it's CHAOS in the box! In that role, creating havoc from set pieces is absolutely vital. Strike from Superman that is blocked by a courageous defender. The ball flies out for a corner. Massive clearance from the superhero under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

Oh no, Milano Piano-Piano score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Sanji fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Miles Morales plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Superman slips it to Miles Morales on the short corner, the defense stretches to follow. Lovely use of the ball by Miles Morales, finding Wally West in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Big strike from the superhero, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

Good ball from the superhero to Goku, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Low cut-back from Goku, Spider-Man arrives at pace and can hit it first time. What a hit from Spider-Man! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

The farmer opens up to Hulk on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Good delivery from Hulk off the left flank, Hawkeye positions himself between the two centre-halves. Hawkeye crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Superb diagonal from the superhero to Goku, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

Defeat. Spider-Man sits on the pitch long after the whistle, knees pulled up, replaying every mistake in his head. Goku comes back out from the tunnel to get him: "Come on, mate. Can't stay here all night." The groundsman's already got the sprinklers going. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 2019, though it immediately requested to be left alone, which is very Barnsley. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

Step-overs from Miles Morales, the defender has lost the ball completely, the fans are loving it. OOOOH the GOAL from Miles Morales! He picks up the ball, dribbles, dribbles again and rounds the keeper. Pure cinema!

Free kick from Miles Morales played as a cross, Hawkeye positions himself at the far post. Hawkeye jumps but his marker gets the better of him, dominated in that duel. The cook pushes the shot away with an iron fist. In that position, reflexes are everything, and right there he was MONUMENTAL.

Smooth transition from Superman to Wally West, no delay, the game keeps flowing. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Wally West opens up to Monkey D. Luffy on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

Corner from Miles Morales, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. The superhero accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Superman fires a low ball back across the box for Wally West, the defence is caught wrong-footed. Shot blocked from the superhero! In that role, frustrating one, the strike was good but the defender threw himself in front of it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Hulk. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Hulk pings a long diagonal to Miles Morales, completely shifts the point of attack.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Sanji takes the hit without responding. Wally West drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Wally West once bumped into David Attenborough at a Tesco Express and panicked so badly the 28-year-old dropped an entire basket of Pot Noodles. Sir David apparently whispered 'fascinating specimen.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8989 and answer this question: 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?' Monkey D. Luffy spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

The superhero finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Captain America clean through. Pure genius from that position. Captain America strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl. Sanji boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Superman! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Superman swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Miles Morales, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Miles Morales springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference.

Oh that's poor! Sevilla Olé-Olé score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Sanji sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Sanji, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Clearance from Hulk under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Clearance from the cook towards Hawkeye, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Aerial duel won by the archer, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Hawkeye gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side.

Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Miles Morales takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lay-off from the superhero for Spider-Man on the penalty spot. That kind of game reading separates the good from the great. The superhero unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon.

GOAAAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Sanji sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Wally West snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Sanji waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Short restart from the cook to Goku, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Goku looks up and launches a long pass towards Spider-Man. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. The superhero gets to the byline and floats one in for Captain America. Crossing is his bread and butter. Captain America sends his cross in but the defender shuts the door at the near post.

The superhero shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Captain America. Pure quality, as per usual. Captain America powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Short pass from the military personnel to Hulk, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Short build-up from Hulk to Wally West, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. The superhero bounces off Spider-Man for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better.

A loss that will linger. Goku drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Sanji texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?'. The answer was of course Thursday, at approximately 47 kilograms, mostly due to the accumulated dread of Friday. Pauline wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

Free kick crossed in by the superhero into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. Superman lets his AERIAL GAME do the talking! On the cross from Goku, he scores with his head with crazy authority. GOAL!

Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. Barry Allen does not rush, he looks at the keeper and FINALLY shoots! Placed in the bottom corner, GOOOOAL!

Barry Allen points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Hulk comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Superman sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Superman bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Miles Morales wins the aerial battle. The cross from the superhero ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position.

We wait, and we wait some more. VAR is dissecting every frame. The decision is coming. VAR upgrades the card! Hawkeye's yellow becomes red, he's off! Hawkeye has lost the plot completely, throws a punch and he's getting his marching orders. Hawkeye plays the free kick short to Miles Morales, clever little combination to catch the defence off guard.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Sanji, arms out like an aeroplane. Wally West follows in like he's skiing. Sanji arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Captain America is livid, gesturing wildly. Miles Morales chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." Unbelievable but true — Hulk has been banned from three separate branches of Nando's for excessive use of the bottomless refill machine. He views it as a personal challenge, not a service. The man is 28 and shows no signs of slowing down. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Right then, part two. Captain America adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Miles Morales goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking. Miles Morales tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. Tidy restart from Sanji along the deck to Wally West, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Wally West rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over.

Short restart from Sanji to Monkey D. Luffy, building from the back nice and tidy. Monkey D. Luffy looks for Captain America but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in. Massive clearance from Barry Allen in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

They've scored again! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein are running riot and we can't cope.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Sanji. Superman is on his knees clapping, Sanji is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Switch from Spider-Man! The ball arcs over the midfield and Goku collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Brilliant tackle from Goku! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Goku launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

Barry Allen plays it simple to Miles Morales, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Miles Morales pierces the backline with a low through ball, Hulk latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Oh no Hulk! Sends it into row Z, that is miles and miles away from the target.

Long ball from Hulk to Wally West, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Close-quarters dribble from Wally West, he finds space where there is none.

The fourth official holds up the board, added time is announced! You can feel it coming any second, the stadium holds its breath. Shot from the superhero, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Full time and it's level. Monkey D. Luffy stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Hulk grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-2 (L)

Hawkeye intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. GOAL for Barry Allen! The ball was loose after the strike from Spider-Man, he was on the prowl and pokes it in!

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Miles Morales clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Monkey D. Luffy gets across the near post first. Monkey D. Luffy rises on the delivery from Superman and powers a furious header into the net!

Miles Morales does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Goku launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Sanji arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Wally West plays the simple ball to Spider-Man, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. The superhero reads the movement before anyone else and puts Monkey D. Luffy into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. Good cross from the ship captain for Miles Morales in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. SCRAMBLE after the superhero's corner! In that role, putting the ball in the right area from corners makes all the difference.

Spider-Man sees what nobody else sees and puts Barry Allen through on goal with a genius through ball. Barry Allen buries his chance from Captain America's ball but the celebrations last about two seconds. Offside! The referee jogs over to the screen, both sets of players watching his every move. Massive call coming. It's given! Goku's goal stands after a thorough VAR review!

Oh dear, London Three-Pints have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Sanji runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Sanji tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

The physio works on Wally West's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Wally West, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Captain America, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Spider-Man is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 28-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show The Crystal Gazer! To win a weekend at a haunted Premier Inn, text 0800GHOST and answer: 'How many ghosts per square metre does the average Travelodge have?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Goku is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Miles Morales spreads it to Hulk, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Nutmeg from Hulk on the defender, the humiliation is absolute. The scientist loses the ball trying to dribble. In that position, you have got to pick your moments, and that was one too many. Magnificent reading of the game from Goku, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Goku absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

What a mess! London Three-Pints capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Sanji mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Monkey D. Luffy plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Sanji plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Rush out from Sanji! The keeper cut the angle and smothered the ball at the feet. HEROIC! Beautiful distribution from Sanji to Spider-Man, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The superhero positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Spider-Man embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal.

Raking ball from the farmer to Monkey D. Luffy, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. The ship captain misplaces his pass to Goku, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Lightning press from Superman, he pounces on the carrier and wins the ball in a heartbeat. That man's intensity is his secret weapon. The superhero plays it simple to Monkey D. Luffy, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Body feint from Monkey D. Luffy, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker.

Monkey D. Luffy shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Miles Morales. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Offside! Miles Morales was barely ahead of the last man, Goku's ball was inch-perfect too! The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Sideways ball from Superman to Spider-Man, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Just wide! Barry Allen struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. Sanji takes his time and plays it short to Hawkeye. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Lay-off from Hawkeye to Miles Morales, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Hulk reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Change of flanks from Hulk, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Wally West.

Level. Monkey D. Luffy picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Sanji waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. Wendy from Carlisle says roughly three point seven ghosts per square metre based on her last stay in Watford. Haunted Premier Inn weekend it is! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.