My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Dick Grayson on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. The chef's surprise of the evening is FaZe Rug. A youtuber by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the algorithm with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
85-129 (L)
Ben Tennyson gets the starting nod! An association football player starting with their football boots confidence!
Shrek, this tweener, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this guy with a proven track record!
Shrek with the errant pass! This player on the come-up needs to settle down!
FaZe Rug overcommits and gets beat! Limited stamina when reading the play!
Haumole Olakau'atu walks away muttering! Muttering about the defensive line under their breath!
Halftime whistle! Shrek grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Fun fact: Shrek tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Dick Grayson, this name that's buzzing, sends the pill wide! The touch is off tonight!
Haumole Olakau'atu finds a second wind! The rugby league player engine roars back to life!
FaZe Rug loses the leather in traffic! This diamond in the rough can't afford that!
This who-is-this-guy player Haumole Olakau'atu throws an elbow in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
This guy nobody was talking about FaZe Rug shakes hands and moves on. In the end, limited stamina proved costly.
Haumole Olakau'atu looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. FaZe Rug looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
87-131 (L)
Ben Tennyson wins the opening tip! Tipping off with association football player energy!
Ben Tennyson goes to work the rock awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this total unknown!
Ben Tennyson throws it away! Hot head under pressure facing the rim!
Shrek gives up the back door! Tendency to force bad shots when overplaying!
Dick Grayson, this all-around player, shows negative body language! Tendency to rush creeping in!
Halftime whistle! FaZe Rug slides down against the hallway wall. Little secret: FaZe Rug watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Dick Grayson heaves and misses! Should have heaved the game instead!
Dick Grayson is running on fumes! The superhero tank is completely empty!
Dick Grayson coughs it up! A superhero's grip doesn't work on the damn ball!
Shrek, this league veteran, barks at the teammate! Sometimes predictable game taking over!
Dick Grayson had the chances but couldn't convert. This respected competitor left wanting.
Dick Grayson punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Shrek slides down the wall to the floor. I got a text from Dick Grayson after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
84-128 (L)
Ben Tennyson checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Air ball from FaZe Rug! Being a youtuber doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Intercepted! Haumole Olakau'atu's pass snatched right out of the air! A rugby league player would never be that careless!
Ben Tennyson can't stay in front! Scoring the winning goal doesn't build lateral quickness!
Ben Tennyson tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the association football player will bounce back!
Players head to the locker room. FaZe Rug has tape on three fingers. Did you know? FaZe Rug tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
This diamond in the rough FaZe Rug throws up a prayer on the low block! Not answered!
This who-is-this-guy player Haumole Olakau'atu can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Shrek tries to be too fancy and loses the Wilson! Heavy feet in the decision-making!
Ben Tennyson argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to scoring the winning goal!
Ben Tennyson walks off in defeat! Even an association football player's skills couldn't save tonight!
Dick Grayson is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Haumole Olakau'atu waits at the tunnel entrance. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
79-123 (L)
Opening possession for Ben Tennyson! First touch, like first touch of their football boots!
Ben Tennyson misses the open look! This dark horse can't believe it! Occasional mental lapses!
Shrek coughs up the Spalding! Occasional mental lapses strikes again driving to the hoop!
Shrek gambles for the steal and pays the price! Ego the size of Texas!
Haumole Olakau'atu slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a rugby league player hits the workbench!
The players disappear. Haumole Olakau'atu has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Small detail: Haumole Olakau'atu wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
FaZe Rug gets a clean look but lack of consistency costs the bucket!
This up-and-coming baller Shrek can't close out! The legs are shot along the baseline!
Turnover by FaZe Rug! Captivating the algorithm requires less coordination, clearly!
Haumole Olakau'atu pulls up angrily after the turnover! This dark horse spiraling!
Haumole Olakau'atu absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a rugby league player knows tough days!
Dick Grayson's eyes are glassy. FaZe Rug mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
82-126 (L)
This hidden prospect FaZe Rug in the starting lineup! Let's see what this hidden prospect brings!
FaZe Rug puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their camera can save that!
Shrek with a wild pass that sails out! This name that's buzzing giving it away!
This dude out of nowhere FaZe Rug caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Haumole Olakau'atu mouths off on the inbound pass! A rugby league player venting about the defensive line!
Break. Dick Grayson collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Little secret: Dick Grayson has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Haumole Olakau'atu shoots an air ball in an electric crowd! A rugby league player lost in the noise!
Haumole Olakau'atu is spent! Used up like the defensive line after a rugby league player's long day!
Ben Tennyson, this swiss-army-knife type, gets called for the carry! Lack of consistency in ball-handling!
This who-is-this-guy player Ben Tennyson hangs the head after the miss! Deflated facing the rim!
Haumole Olakau'atu, this swiss-army-knife type, trudges off the gymnasium. Lessons to take from this one.
Dick Grayson presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Shrek walks right past without noticing. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
85-130 (L)
Tip-off! Shrek gets us started! Let's go!
FaZe Rug clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their camera hitting the algorithm!
Shrek with the backcourt violation! This legit talent under too much pressure!
Dick Grayson, this swiss-army-knife type, lets the shooter get free in transition! Costly lapse!
This dude out of nowhere FaZe Rug gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Break. Dick Grayson collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know Dick Grayson keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Dick Grayson can't buy a bucket! Another miss from way beyond the arc! Frustrating!
Ben Tennyson plays through exhaustion! The endurance of scoring the winning goal daily!
FaZe Rug gets picked! A youtuber getting the algorithm stolen in broad daylight!
Haumole Olakau'atu throws their hands up! Like a rugby league player when their league jersey breaks!
Dick Grayson walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to superhero life tomorrow!
Dick Grayson collapses into the first available chair. FaZe Rug stays standing, eyes glazed over. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
86-131 (L)
FaZe Rug opens with a layup! This potential breakout star making an early statement!
This player making noise Shrek puts up an and-one but it won't fall! Off night!
Ben Tennyson botches the handoff! Even their football boots exchanges go smoother!
This next-level player Shrek commits the and-one foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion in positioning!
Haumole Olakau'atu buries their face! Hidden from view, the rugby league player can't watch!
Both teams head to the locker room. FaZe Rug wipes his forehead with his jersey. Small detail: FaZe Rug whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Ben Tennyson misses the free throw! Scoring the winning goal under pressure is easier!
Shrek, this player making noise, sucking wind after that sprint! This ball game of battle!
This player making noise Dick Grayson dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Dick Grayson picks up the second technical! This seasoned vet ejected! Heavy feet!
Dick Grayson tips the cap to the winners! The superhero's grace with the game!
Dick Grayson replays the score in his head on a loop. FaZe Rug tries to think about something else. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
79-124 (L)
This player making noise Shrek comes out firing! A sky hook in the first minute!
Shrek with a wild attempt! This established player not finding the range tonight!
Shrek with the lazy pass! Tendency to force bad shots leading to easy points!
Dick Grayson gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
This seasoned vet Shrek can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Back in the locker room, Shrek sits down and stares at the ceiling. Locker room anecdote: Shrek talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
FaZe Rug can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the algorithm, a youtuber always hits!
Dick Grayson is clearly fatigued! The 4 periods of 12 minutes of this plus the 4 periods of 12 minutes of competing the game!
Ben Tennyson loses possession! The winning goal never leaves an association football player's hands like that!
Haumole Olakau'atu waves off the play! The authority of a rugby league player in that gesture!
Haumole Olakau'atu reflects on what could have been. Tendency to force bad shots the difference tonight.
Dick Grayson bites his lip, fists clenched. Ben Tennyson shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
82-127 (L)
This name that's buzzing Shrek gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Ben Tennyson can't find the range! Their football boots has better accuracy than that!
Haumole Olakau'atu steps back the leather right to the defense! Costly mistake by this dark horse!
This dude out of nowhere Ben Tennyson picks up the cheap foul! Tendency to rush showing!
Shrek drops the head after another miss! Lack of consistency sapping the confidence!
Halftime. Shrek throws his towel on the floor walking in. Intel: Shrek asked Houston Blast-Off for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
The rim rejects Haumole Olakau'atu! The rim says no! Even a rugby league player gets rejected sometimes!
Ben Tennyson labors up the court! Trudging like an association football player dragging the winning goal!
Dick Grayson with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
FaZe Rug is visibly upset! Upset as a youtuber when the algorithm goes sideways!
Haumole Olakau'atu leaves the arena with dignity! The dignity of a rugby league player with their league jersey!
FaZe Rug sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Dick Grayson winces. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-131 (L)
Haumole Olakau'atu dishes onto the floor! The crowd roars for this rising star!
FaZe Rug, this smooth operator, bobbles the orange and the chance evaporates at half court!
Dick Grayson, this solid build, steps out of bounds with the orange! Mental lapse!
Ben Tennyson watches them score! Just watching, like watching their football boots gather dust!
Ben Tennyson, this do-it-all player, sits down hard on the bench! Ego the size of Texas written all over his face!
Halftime. Haumole Olakau'atu's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Did you know Haumole Olakau'atu keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
FaZe Rug with the contested thunderous slam at the top of the key! No good! Bad selection!
Ben Tennyson is gassed! More tired than after a full day of scoring the winning goal!
Dick Grayson, this versatile guy, gets stripped along the baseline! Tendency to rush exposed!
Ben Tennyson pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The association football player in them is showing!
Haumole Olakau'atu tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we charges better, like the defensive line!'
Ben Tennyson chews his nails on the bench. Dick Grayson stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
82-126 (L)
Shrek, this player on the come-up, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
An off-balance shot from FaZe Rug catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
This potential breakout star Haumole Olakau'atu with turnover number buckets! Heavy feet is piling up!
FaZe Rug, this solid build, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over lack of consistency!
FaZe Rug dunks the towel! This newcomer showing hot head!
Off to the locker room. Ben Tennyson has already drained two water bottles. Intel: Ben Tennyson refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
FaZe Rug just barely misses! Close as a youtuber getting the algorithm almost right!
Ben Tennyson is gassed! This hungry young player bent over at half court! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
Shrek throws it into the stands! What was that from this respected competitor!
Shrek mutters to himself walking back! This established player fighting inner demons!
FaZe Rug fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the youtuber gave everything!
Dick Grayson avoids the cameras like the plague. FaZe Rug gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
83-127 (L)
The game begins and Haumole Olakau'atu is ready! You can see a gym-rat work ethic written all over his face!
Haumole Olakau'atu, this all-around player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Hot head!
FaZe Rug throws it away! A pass worse than a youtuber tossing the algorithm!
Dick Grayson lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this next-level player fooled!
Ben Tennyson stares in disbelief! The look of an association football player who just lost everything!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Dick Grayson walks head down toward the tunnel. Rumor has it Dick Grayson talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Shrek, this do-it-all player, can't get a half-court heave to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
FaZe Rug can't get lift! Legs heavy as their camera after the contest!
Shrek, this combo guard, fumbles the entry pass back to the basket!
FaZe Rug, this player nobody saw coming, refuses to high-five! Sometimes predictable game hurting the chemistry!
Haumole Olakau'atu gave it everything! Everything a rugby league player has, left on the court!
Haumole Olakau'atu and Shrek walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
86-131 (L)
Game time! Haumole Olakau'atu and this potential breakout star ready to put on a show at the palace of hoops!
FaZe Rug can't finish! The youtuber who finishes the algorithm can't finish the play!
FaZe Rug forces the pass! Forcing their camera where it doesn't fit!
Dick Grayson gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
Dick Grayson, this versatile guy, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to rush on full display!
Halftime. FaZe Rug glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Anecdote of the day: FaZe Rug forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
That one wasn't even close, Dick Grayson! Stick to competing the game!
Haumole Olakau'atu needs oxygen! More winded than a rugby league player after overtime!
Haumole Olakau'atu passes to nobody! This player nobody saw coming with a head-scratching decision!
FaZe Rug drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a youtuber's spirit has limits!
FaZe Rug takes the loss hard! Hard as the algorithm on a bad youtuber day!
Shrek walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Haumole Olakau'atu drags one foot after the other. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
83-128 (L)
Haumole Olakau'atu, this smooth operator, takes the court! The standing ovation is electric!
FaZe Rug gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the youtuber touch can't save that one!
FaZe Rug turns it over in the baseline! Butterfingers from this youtuber!
FaZe Rug gets posterized! A youtuber framed by their camera in the worst way!
Haumole Olakau'atu sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a rugby league player after a long shift!
Halftime! FaZe Rug is limping slightly heading off the court. Did you know? FaZe Rug tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Shrek blows past the leather into nothing! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display tonight!
FaZe Rug grimaces through the effort! The grimace of a youtuber finishing the algorithm!
This name that's buzzing Shrek with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Ben Tennyson storms to the bench! Heated! This association football player doesn't handle losing well!
FaZe Rug leaves the palace of hoops quietly! Quiet as a youtuber after the algorithm setback!
Haumole Olakau'atu rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Ben Tennyson picks up his own and folds it carefully. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
78-122 (L)
The palace of hoops welcomes FaZe Rug! The youtuber with the algorithm has arrived!
Dick Grayson bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Shrek charges right into the defender! Turnover! Occasional mental lapses when controlling pace!
Ben Tennyson gets crossed over! This newcomer left frozen facing the rim!
FaZe Rug storms to the bench! This hidden prospect is visibly upset!
The players disappear into the tunnel. FaZe Rug asks for an ice pack. Quick anecdote about FaZe Rug: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Ben Tennyson rattles it out! Shaking the arena with their football boots intensity!
This total unknown Haumole Olakau'atu has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
This name that's buzzing Shrek commits the offensive foul! Turnover at the buzzer!
Haumole Olakau'atu can't hide the frustration! Their league jersey frustration meets the leather frustration!
FaZe Rug walks off in silence. This potential breakout star gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Dick Grayson rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. FaZe Rug picks up his own and folds it carefully. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Dick Grayson.
Season journal
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