My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Julius Caesar. The man is massive, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Saddam Hussein is on this team. Saddam Hussein, who is a military personnel and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their service rifle under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
81-125 (L)
Cesar Chavez announces themselves! The trade unionist has arrived and the building knows it!
Saddam Hussein posts up the basketball awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this potential GOAT!
Saddam Hussein with the careless pass! Defending the frontline with more care, please!
Saddam Hussein can't contain the drive! Defending the frontline is more containable!
Lewis Hamilton tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the formula one driver will bounce back!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Kim Kardashian walks head down toward the tunnel. Did you know? Kim Kardashian tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Saddam Hussein misfires at the buzzer! Their service rifle calibration needed!
Kim Kardashian looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a celebrity relieved of their bare hands!
This generational talent Lewis Hamilton with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Julius Caesar mutters to himself walking back! This all-time great fighting inner demons!
Julius Caesar dishes to the tunnel in disappointment. This generational talent will learn from this.
Cesar Chavez stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Kim Kardashian exhales. Again. And again. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
79-113 (L)
Saddam Hussein, this franchise cornerstone, draws first blood! A half-court heave to start!
Julius Caesar sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this military personnel!
Kim Kardashian throws it out of bounds! Like launching their bare hands into the void!
Saddam Hussein reacts too late to rotate! Tendency to rush on the help side!
This generational talent Lewis Hamilton can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Halftime. Saddam Hussein's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Little secret: Saddam Hussein watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Saddam Hussein gets blocked! Rejected harder than a military personnel's worst day on the job!
This dude putting the league on notice Cesar Chavez signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Hot head!
Stolen from Kim Kardashian! A celebrity who let it slip through their fingers!
Lewis Hamilton can't hide the frustration! The steering wheel frustration meets the leather frustration!
Cesar Chavez shakes hands through the pain! A trade unionist who respects their bare hands and the game!
Lewis Hamilton refuses Miami Heart-Attack's handshake. Julius Caesar offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
76-115 (L)
Lewis Hamilton takes the court to a cathedral silence! The formula one driver with the steering wheel is here!
Cesar Chavez misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their bare hands at the game!
Cesar Chavez turns it over in the restricted area! Butterfingers from this trade unionist!
Saddam Hussein falls asleep on the weak side! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
Kim Kardashian crosses over and kicks the stanchion! This potential GOAT losing composure!
The players head to the locker room. Julius Caesar is sweating like a racehorse. Did you know Julius Caesar started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Cesar Chavez misfires in the paint! This well-respected player searching for answers!
Kim Kardashian mops their face! Sweating more than when competing the game!
Lewis Hamilton loses possession! The grand prix never leaves a formula one driver's hands like that!
Saddam Hussein, this do-it-all player, throws the hands up! Exasperated from the left corner!
Julius Caesar packs up and heads out! Packing their service rifle, unpacking emotions!
Lewis Hamilton looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Julius Caesar looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
79-123 (L)
The palace of hoops welcomes Saddam Hussein! The military personnel with the frontline has arrived!
Cesar Chavez can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this seasoned vet!
Julius Caesar, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stripped in transition! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
Lewis Hamilton beaten to the spot! Slower than a formula one driver on a Monday morning!
Kim Kardashian drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a celebrity's spirit has limits!
Into the tunnel. Lewis Hamilton grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Anecdote: Lewis Hamilton threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Brick! Lewis Hamilton misfires at half court! Occasional mental lapses at the worst time!
Saddam Hussein crosses over a step slower than usual! Sometimes predictable game in the tank!
Julius Caesar turns it over on the final possession! A military personnel dropping their service rifle at the worst time!
Julius Caesar walks away muttering! Muttering about the frontline under their breath!
Lewis Hamilton consoles teammates! The heart of a formula one driver in that moment!
Cesar Chavez takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Julius Caesar follows the same path. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
88-133 (L)
Saddam Hussein, this guy with rings on every finger, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Julius Caesar misses! Even a military personnel can't fix that shot!
Cesar Chavez gets picked! A trade unionist getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Kim Kardashian gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a celebrity's worst day on the job!
Cesar Chavez slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a trade unionist hits the workbench!
Rest time. Kim Kardashian isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Rumor has it Kim Kardashian has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Cesar Chavez, this player on the come-up, with a contested tear drop that misses in the paint!
Cesar Chavez, this swiss-army-knife type, laboring up and down! Ego the size of Texas draining the energy!
Julius Caesar crosses over carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
This all-time great Saddam Hussein stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Lewis Hamilton, this first-ballot legend, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Lewis Hamilton stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Julius Caesar exhales. Again. And again. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
87-131 (L)
Julius Caesar huddles with the team! Huddling up, the military personnel strategizes!
Kim Kardashian takes off and fires but misses everything! Occasional mental lapses tonight!
Cesar Chavez loses the Spalding! A trade unionist would never be this careless!
Cesar Chavez loses the battle in the paint! Being a trade unionist doesn't help you here!
Julius Caesar can't mask the disappointment! This first-ballot legend wearing it on the sleeve!
Break. Cesar Chavez collapses next to the vending machine. Little scoop: Cesar Chavez logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Saddam Hussein launches a buzzer beater and... Airball! Defense that's basically a suggestion at its peak!
Lewis Hamilton labors up the court! Trudging like a formula one driver dragging the grand prix!
Saddam Hussein double-dribbles! Defending the frontline doesn't have that rule!
Lewis Hamilton stares in disbelief! The look of a formula one driver who just lost everything!
Lewis Hamilton had the chances but couldn't convert. This all-time great left wanting.
Kim Kardashian walks toward the tunnel without a word. Lewis Hamilton stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
92-121 (L)
Saddam Hussein dunks into position! This global icon not wasting any time!
A thunderous slam attempt by Julius Caesar falls short! Sometimes predictable game in the legs!
Lewis Hamilton coughs it up! A formula one driver's grip doesn't work on the damn ball!
Lewis Hamilton gets posterized! A formula one driver framed by the steering wheel in the worst way!
Kim Kardashian finishes the fast break! Sprinting like a celebrity who's running late!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Kim Kardashian picks up the pace. Did you know? Kim Kardashian has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Lewis Hamilton, this potential GOAT, barks at the teammate! Tendency to rush taking over!
Lewis Hamilton, this compact dynamo, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Hot head!
Saddam Hussein creates the switch! Smooth adjustment, military personnel-level thinking!
Julius Caesar plays through exhaustion! The endurance of defending the frontline daily!
Saddam Hussein looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a military personnel!
Cesar Chavez sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Julius Caesar puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
75-120 (L)
Lewis Hamilton steps onto the den! From racing the grand prix to this, game time!
Julius Caesar gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the military personnel touch can't save that one!
Kim Kardashian goes to work the orange right to the defense! Costly mistake by this first-ballot legend!
Cesar Chavez overcommits! Going all-in like a trade unionist on the game, but wrong!
Saddam Hussein buries their face! Hidden from view, the military personnel can't watch!
Halftime! Saddam Hussein has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Confession: Saddam Hussein believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Lewis Hamilton misfires again! Having the grand prix-shaped night!
This all-time great Julius Caesar can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Saddam Hussein throws it away! A pass worse than a military personnel tossing the frontline!
Saddam Hussein vents at their teammates! The military personnel who vents about the frontline!
Saddam Hussein walks off in defeat! Even a military personnel's skills couldn't save tonight!
Cesar Chavez bites the inside of his cheek. Lewis Hamilton pinches the bridge of his nose. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
90-134 (L)
Cesar Chavez gets the starting nod! A trade unionist starting with their bare hands confidence!
Lewis Hamilton misses the open look! This first-ballot legend can't believe it! Occasional mental lapses!
Kim Kardashian commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
This player on the come-up Cesar Chavez picks up the cheap foul! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Cesar Chavez gets a technical for complaining! Hot head on full display!
Break. Lewis Hamilton collapses next to the vending machine. Fun fact: Lewis Hamilton failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Kim Kardashian can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
Cesar Chavez slows down visibly! Slower than their bare hands on low power!
This potential GOAT Julius Caesar dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Cesar Chavez drops the head after another miss! Heavy feet sapping the confidence!
Lewis Hamilton leaves the venue quietly! Quiet as a formula one driver after the grand prix setback!
Kim Kardashian lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Lewis Hamilton holds his in. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
82-127 (L)
The game begins and Kim Kardashian is ready! You can see nerves of steel written all over her face!
Saddam Hussein penetrates but the shot rims out! Tendency to force bad shots rears its ugly head!
Julius Caesar, this versatile guy, gets called for the carry! Occasional mental lapses in ball-handling!
Lewis Hamilton gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the grand prix on a rough day!
Lewis Hamilton is visibly upset! Upset as a formula one driver when the grand prix goes sideways!
Back to the locker room. Lewis Hamilton punches his locker. Physio's confession: Lewis Hamilton purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Lewis Hamilton attacks but it's well off! Sometimes predictable game under fatigue!
Lewis Hamilton finds a second wind! The formula one driver engine roars back to life!
Julius Caesar with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the frontline!
Lewis Hamilton waves off the play! The authority of a formula one driver in that gesture!
This guy with rings on every finger Kim Kardashian tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Cesar Chavez's lip is trembling. Julius Caesar dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
90-134 (L)
This living legend Saddam Hussein comes out firing! A deep three in the first minute!
Cesar Chavez, this up-and-coming baller, with the shot-clock heave! No good from way beyond the arc!
Kim Kardashian gets the ball stripped! The game would have stayed in a celebrity's grip!
Cesar Chavez gives up the back door! Defense that's basically a suggestion when overplaying!
This respected competitor Cesar Chavez fouls hard out of frustration! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Halftime! Saddam Hussein is limping slightly heading off the court. Little secret: Saddam Hussein has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Julius Caesar, this hall-of-fame lock, fumbles the finish from way beyond the arc! Back to the drawing board!
Kim Kardashian is gassed! This global icon bent over at half court! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
Cesar Chavez coughs up the pill! Occasional mental lapses strikes again on the low block!
Kim Kardashian argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Saddam Hussein gave it everything! Everything a military personnel has, left on the court!
Kim Kardashian stares at the floor while Lewis Hamilton mutters something inaudible under his breath. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
78-122 (L)
Kim Kardashian checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Cesar Chavez misses the bunny! A trade unionist dropping the game from point-blank!
Lewis Hamilton with the lazy pass! Tendency to rush leading to easy points!
Julius Caesar gets screened out of the play! This absolute legend lost in traffic!
This all-time great Saddam Hussein gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
End of the second quarter. Lewis Hamilton is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Exclusive: Lewis Hamilton was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
This global icon Lewis Hamilton short-arms a finger roll in the paint! Not enough lift!
Saddam Hussein bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a military personnel after their service rifle overtime!
This certified GOAT candidate Julius Caesar gets pickpocketed at the buzzer! Sloppy handling!
Julius Caesar fades away angrily after the turnover! This global icon spiraling!
Saddam Hussein refuses to make excuses! A military personnel owns the frontline failures too!
Cesar Chavez kicks his towel across the floor. Kim Kardashian has already left for the locker room, alone. I learned tonight that Cesar Chavez used to be a celebrity. That explains the unique running style. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-125 (L)
Julius Caesar, this first-ballot legend, embraces the wild stands! Game on!
Julius Caesar rattles it out! Shaking the hardwood with their service rifle intensity!
Saddam Hussein dribbles it off their foot! Their service rifle would never betray a military personnel like that!
Lewis Hamilton can't stay in front! Racing the grand prix doesn't build lateral quickness!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Lewis Hamilton shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Break. Kim Kardashian's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Anecdote: Kim Kardashian tried to impress the Boston Ring-Chasers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With her face. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Lewis Hamilton can't convert the open shot! Racing the grand prix is way easier!
Julius Caesar is running on fumes! The military personnel tank is completely empty!
Cesar Chavez, this do-it-all player, gets the ball poked away! Hot head when protecting the ball!
Lewis Hamilton pulls up away from the huddle! This franchise cornerstone in a dark place mentally!
Julius Caesar tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we defends better, like the frontline!'
Cesar Chavez stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Julius Caesar comes back to get him. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Cesar Chavez's name. Forgive me. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
86-130 (L)
Tip-off! Lewis Hamilton gets us started! Let's go!
Lewis Hamilton with the ugly miss! The formula one driver touch is absent tonight!
Lewis Hamilton tries to be too fancy and loses the basketball! Tendency to force bad shots in the decision-making!
Kim Kardashian gets screened out! Stuck behind their bare hands like it's a wall!
Cesar Chavez, this hooper's hooper, yells at the coaching staff! Heavy feet causing friction!
Break. Kim Kardashian collapses next to the vending machine. Rumor has it Kim Kardashian does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Saddam Hussein puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their service rifle can save that!
Saddam Hussein cramps up! Muscles tight from their service rifle and the basketball double duty!
Julius Caesar with the backcourt violation! A military personnel going backwards with the frontline!
Kim Kardashian looks to the heavens! A celebrity praying for their bare hands to work!
This guy with rings on every finger Kim Kardashian shakes hands and moves on. In the end, limited stamina proved costly.
Kim Kardashian presses her forehead against the tunnel glass. Cesar Chavez walks right past without noticing. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-127 (L)
Lewis Hamilton stretches center court! Loosening up, the formula one driver is getting ready!
Kim Kardashian shoots an air ball in immense pressure! A celebrity lost in the noise!
Intercepted! Kim Kardashian's pass snatched right out of the air! A celebrity would never be that careless!
Julius Caesar loses their assignment! Like losing their service rifle in the workshop!
Kim Kardashian picks up the second technical! This absolute legend ejected! Sometimes predictable game!
Cut! Halftime. Saddam Hussein's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Little secret: Saddam Hussein has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Cesar Chavez throws up a clunker! Their bare hands would weep at that trajectory!
Cesar Chavez waves for a timeout! The trade unionist needs the game break!
This well-respected player Cesar Chavez forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Cesar Chavez attacks the towel! This respected competitor showing tendency to force bad shots!
Kim Kardashian, this pocket rocket, hangs the head. Tough loss despite freakish explosiveness effort.
Julius Caesar's gaze is cold, distant. Saddam Hussein's gaze is hot, angry. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Julius Caesar.
Season journal
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