My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

86-130 (L)

Screen, pop, SPLASH! Allen Iverson kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. The crowd has found its chant, and Genghis Khan is going to be hearing it all night.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Allen Iverson already has the defense a full step behind. Nikola Jokić tries to force it through two bodies and finds nothing but the defender's hands.

The help defender committed way too early, and Allen Iverson made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. OHHHH the POWER! Allen Iverson took the hit and finished it anyway!

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Set called, Victor Wembanyama waved out to the corner, and Allen Iverson watches the spacing open up like a front door. Genghis Khan sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Victor Wembanyama finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Genghis Khan should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

The players disappear into the tunnel. William Wallace asks for an ice pack. Exclusive info: William Wallace is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. And now, our halftime TV game show Beat the Clock Radio! To win a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011, text HOOPS to 555-0022 and answer this question: 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Genghis Khan gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Allen Iverson saw it a beat early. Watch Victor Wembanyama plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Genghis Khan out of that corner in a blink. That is a throwback bucket: Genghis Khan with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Genghis Khan watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

Push the pace! Allen Iverson grabs it and hits Victor Wembanyama in stride before the defense can even match up. Give and go! Victor Wembanyama gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! OHHHH, that one died in the air! Victor Wembanyama put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

EIGHT SECONDS! William Wallace never gets it across the timeline, and the whistle blows.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

SKIP PASS! William Wallace fires it cross court to Genghis Khan and the defense is dead in the water! The military leader just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Buzzer on the shot clock, Genghis Khan heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Allen Iverson walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. No roll this time. Victor Wembanyama swings it right back to Allen Iverson above the break, and it is PURE. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Allen Iverson, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Under review. Victor Wembanyama does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. No good! The ball is STILL sitting in the hand of Victor Wembanyama when that light comes on. Waved off.

Victor Wembanyama leaves the court at a jog. Allen Iverson stays there, planted at center court, motionless. And here is the answer to our game Beat the Clock Radio! Buford Wamsley of Cement City, Michigan, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' The answer was of course that is strictly between the mascot and the mascot. Buford takes home a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011! On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

105-113 (L)

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Genghis Khan threw it before the help even committed. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Victor Wembanyama whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Two points left on the floor by William Wallace, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Victor Wembanyama pushes it in transition, pulls up from the elbow, cash. That is a 10-0 run and the visitors have not scored in three minutes. That is a coaching staff completely out of answers. Victor Wembanyama has taken this game over and the only tool left in the box is a stoppage.

Swing, swing, and William Wallace finds Victor Wembanyama on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Beautiful pass by Victor Wembanyama. Wrong jersey.

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Break! Allen Iverson has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Fun fact: Allen Iverson tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. And now, our halftime TV game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! To win a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA, text HOOPS to 555-0938 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.

That is the second illegal pick of the night from Victor Wembanyama, and possessions like that are how you lose a tight one.

Beaten on the glass again, and Victor Wembanyama needs help down there.

The military leader just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! The military leader lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Genghis Khan reaches, finds nothing but forearm, and the whistle comes right along with it. He stays out there with five, which tells you how much this coach trusts Genghis Khan and how little he trusts anybody else.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Court vision like that on the military leader is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. That is the shot Victor Wembanyama wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Allen Iverson has known that all night long. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! William Wallace spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! Straight through the traffic, straight through the contact. The military leader finishes with a free throw coming and the paint suddenly feels very small.

First option: Allen Iverson. Everything else on that clipboard is decoration. Sixty seconds in the huddle and William Wallace cashes it without a single wasted dribble. Textbook.

William Wallace steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

Victor Wembanyama looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Genghis Khan looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. And here is the answer to our game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! Dwight Hufnagel of Bogwater, Maine, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' The answer was of course the excuses, because they come with packaging. Dwight therefore wins a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

110-114 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Orlando Magic-Beans, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Allen Iverson launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH the pin-down! Nikola Jokić pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Genghis Khan. Brutal. Victor Wembanyama threads a BEAUTY to Nikola Jokić under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

No hero ball here: Allen Iverson takes what the defense gives and moves it along. The military leader just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Nikola Jokić is walking back with both hands on his head.

This is the work that never shows up in a box score, and Victor Wembanyama just took two points off the board without a single stat. One hand, full court, Allen Iverson hits Nikola Jokić in stride and the crowd is already up. You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about Nikola Jokić.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Orlando Magic-Beans with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Halftime whistle. Victor Wembanyama flops into the first available chair. I've been told Victor Wembanyama always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! To win a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting, text HOOPS to 555-0975 and answer this question: 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.

The military leader just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Baseline wide open. Nikola Jokić said thank you. Way short from Nikola Jokić off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

Watch the spacing there, Allen Iverson hits Victor Wembanyama right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. One little shoulder dip from Victor Wembanyama and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Victor Wembanyama rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

A cut with that timing from the military leader? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. OHHHH what a FINISH from Genghis Khan! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Genghis Khan never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Allen Iverson, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Blocked into the floor. Allen Iverson will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Allen Iverson drops it off to William Wallace on time and on target. POCKET PASS! William Wallace threads it to Victor Wembanyama between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Victor Wembanyama fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

He tried to rise over Victor Wembanyama. That was a mistake, and the ball is now several rows deep. Victor Wembanyama grabs it, turns, and slings a one-hander three quarters of the floor. Filthy. The military leader just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Entire arena on its feet for the military leader. Whatever comes next, that man tells this story for the rest of his life. The military leader just watched the shot of his life rim out at the horn, and he will be replaying that one behind the counter for years.

Allen Iverson replays the score in his head on a loop. Genghis Khan tries to think about something else. And here is the answer to our game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! Leonard Skidmore of Tumbleweed Alley, Arizona, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' The answer was of course that nobody knows, and the janitors have agreed to stop asking. Leonard therefore wins a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting! Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

106-101 (W)

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Allen Iverson controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at William Wallace the moment he crosses half court. Perfect arc. William Wallace makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Philadelphia Injury-Report, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Total control. Allen Iverson has this thing on a string. Genghis Khan turns the corner off the screen from Allen Iverson, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Allen Iverson. Cruel.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Philadelphia Injury-Report with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Allen Iverson just did it by hitting Nikola Jokić on the back side with acres of room. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Nikola Jokić left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! So close. Nikola Jokić can only stare at the iron.

Halftime. Genghis Khan wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. The staff told me Genghis Khan sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show Sale of the Half Century! To win a bread machine with a manual in three languages, none of them English, text HOOPS to 555-0673 and answer this question: 'What is the wingspan of a man who claims he could have gone pro?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

The whistle blows, Nikola Jokić throws his hands up in protest, and the replay is going to make that argument very short.

In a game this tight, Victor Wembanyama cannot be giving away a free point over a call that was never coming back. Unforgivable.

Genghis Khan splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. No touch. Nikola Jokić left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

The military leader takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. BAAAANG! William Wallace from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. William Wallace stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

OHHHH the pocket pass! Allen Iverson splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Rising into two defenders, Victor Wembanyama launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

The military leader makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Oldest play in the book, and Nikola Jokić runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Allen Iverson, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Huddle is tight, marker squeaking on the board, and Allen Iverson is already nodding before the coach finishes the sentence. GAME OVER! Genghis Khan said not tonight, and the horn agreed with him!

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, Genghis Khan tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

Genghis Khan grabs the PA announcer's mic and shouts William Wallace's name. The announcer chases him. And here is the answer to our game show Sale of the Half Century! Orville Duckworth of Slush Pile, Michigan, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the wingspan of a man who claims he could have gone pro?' The answer was of course roughly the length of the story he is telling. Orville therefore wins a bread machine with a manual in three languages, none of them English! Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

118-94 (W)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Victor Wembanyama who wins the little argument at center court.

Here comes the slip from Victor Wembanyama, and Allen Iverson reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. There is no finesse in that, and there does not need to be. Victor Wembanyama simply decided the paint belonged to him.

Victor Wembanyama mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Phoenix No-Defense fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Genghis Khan stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Genghis Khan cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Allen Iverson kicks it over to William Wallace, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. OHHHH MY! Genghis Khan throws it up and William Wallace SLAMS it home!

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Nikola Jokić walks head down toward the tunnel. They say Nikola Jokić eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase to the Dollar Store! To win a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care, text HOOPS to 555-0225 and answer this question: 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, Genghis Khan drops it off perfectly for Victor Wembanyama diving to the rim. That is twice tonight Victor Wembanyama has tried to create with the dribble already dead, and this league does not reward that.

Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Allen Iverson did all the dirty work on that one. Genghis Khan blows the wide open layup! OFFENSIVE GLASS! Nikola Jokić beats three men to the spot! Up over the box out, and Nikola Jokić catches it clean and finishes strong through the contact. Somebody just got posterized.

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. Nikola Jokić points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Allen Iverson has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching William Wallace precisely where the play wanted it. That is the third live-ball giveaway of the half, and each one has been the same read: William Wallace deciding late and throwing early.

Right through the window. Allen Iverson to Victor Wembanyama on the roll, and the help was a half step late. That is the shot chart lying to you. Victor Wembanyama did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Allen Iverson, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. That is the kind of finish that changes a defense's body language, and Allen Iverson has already done it twice this quarter.

Salute: sharp, military, held. Allen Iverson delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. Victor Wembanyama snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

Over the top of everybody. Allen Iverson to Nikola Jokić in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Second pass beats the rotation, Nikola Jokić to Victor Wembanyama, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. BRICK! Victor Wembanyama throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Victor Wembanyama pretends to faint from happiness. Allen Iverson pretends to call 911. And here is the answer to our game The Chase to the Dollar Store! Lurlene Dobbins of Rusty Spoon, New Mexico, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' The answer was of course fifty-one seconds, give or take a conscience. Lurlene takes home a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care! Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

110-102 (W)

Nikola Jokić times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

OHHHH they are coming apart! William Wallace again, and the defense has no idea where to turn! Whistle. Timeout. Victor Wembanyama just broke them in half.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: William Wallace passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. The military leader launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Laser from Allen Iverson, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Victor Wembanyama punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Soft touch from William Wallace, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Genghis Khan keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Perfect drop-off from William Wallace, and Genghis Khan answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Halftime! Nikola Jokić is limping slightly heading off the court. Intel: Nikola Jokić asked Los Angeles Nursing-Home for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show Fifty Fifty or Nothing! To win a decorative barometer that has read STORMY since 1998, text HOOPS to 555-0290 and answer this question: 'How many free throws could a horse make in one hour with no thumbs?' Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Genghis Khan never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Genghis Khan, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Allen Iverson controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. A single dribble is all Victor Wembanyama needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. OHHHHH POSTERIZED! Victor Wembanyama just ENDED that defender at the rim!

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Whirl, and GONE! Genghis Khan leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Catch, rise, splash. The military leader owns the cleanest jumper on this floor and still has a shift to work in the morning.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Genghis Khan watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Genghis Khan retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. OHHHH! Genghis Khan absorbs the hammer in midair, hangs, finishes, then walks to the line and cashes the extra one.

The military leader is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. Brutal for the military leader, who owned the shot of a lifetime for about ninety seconds. Back to the day job with nothing but the story.

Allen Iverson and Victor Wembanyama share a 30-second hug. Nikola Jokić wants in. Gets pushed away. And here is the answer to our game show Fifty Fifty or Nothing! Merle Bodkin of Dry Fork Holler, West Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many free throws could a horse make in one hour with no thumbs?' The answer was of course two, and both of them were technically goaltending. Merle therefore wins a decorative barometer that has read STORMY since 1998! I got a text from Allen Iverson after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

111-103 (W)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Victor Wembanyama rips it out of the air and we are off.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and William Wallace has known that all night long. Genghis Khan eats the contact so Victor Wembanyama can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Victor Wembanyama gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. This building is SHAKING. Nikola Jokić just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and William Wallace makes it every single trip down the floor. Nikola Jokić holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Allen Iverson flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Allen Iverson scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Ball moves. William Wallace to Victor Wembanyama, on time and on target. Watch the spacing, Victor Wembanyama drags two bodies toward the ball and Nikola Jokić is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. The extra pass! Nikola Jokić had the look, gave it up anyway, and Genghis Khan buries it. BANG! From WAY downtown! Genghis Khan launched that one from the parking lot!

Genghis Khan sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Toronto Border-Patrol bench does not find it funny. William Wallace pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Nikola Jokić walks head down toward the tunnel. Little secret: Nikola Jokić watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feudal! To win a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage, text HOOPS to 555-0263 and answer this question: 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

Victor Wembanyama does not love that call. Both hands in the air, a long look at the official, and the whistle still counts. FOUR on Victor Wembanyama! Grab a towel, that is the bench for a while.

Nikola Jokić guesses left, the ball handler goes right, and suddenly this is a two-on-one before anybody can rotate. Body to body all the way to the rim and the arm goes up. That is on Nikola Jokić, and this crew is not letting anything go tonight.

Here comes Nikola Jokić sprinting off the elbow. Allen Iverson slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Nikola Jokić.

Allen Iverson walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. The military leader pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Up goes the shot from Nikola Jokić and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Allen Iverson already has the defense a full step behind. Screened, toasted, done. Nikola Jokić is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Nikola Jokić nothing.

Unselfish basketball. William Wallace passes up a good shot and hands Nikola Jokić a GREAT one. Getting to his spot and elevating, Nikola Jokić puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Nikola Jokić runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. And here is the answer to our game Family Feudal! Randy Dinkins of Sockburn, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The answer was of course still yellow, but it means something different. Randy takes home a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage! During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

103-98 (W)

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Allen Iverson drops it off to Victor Wembanyama on time and on target. Hesitate, GO. Victor Wembanyama is by that hip before the man even blinks. Victor Wembanyama had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

OHHHH the hesi! Allen Iverson froze him solid and he is already gone! Pull-up from the elbow by Allen Iverson, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Clean feed from Allen Iverson, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Victor Wembanyama gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Rises, releases, and Victor Wembanyama sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Court vision like that on the military leader is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. The big man never even contested it, and Nikola Jokić still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The players head in. Allen Iverson slips on the wet tunnel floor. Exclusive: Allen Iverson was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! To win a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0759 and answer this question: 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.

Clang. Nikola Jokić wants that one back. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Allen Iverson has now cleaned up four misses tonight. Kick out to Allen Iverson, one more to Victor Wembanyama, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. BAAAANG! Victor Wembanyama catches it and lets it FLY, nothing but net from the corner!

Victor Wembanyama sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Minnesota Ice-Wall bench does not find it funny. Nikola Jokić pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Baseline spin from Genghis Khan at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Missed layup for the military leader and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Allen Iverson breaks a shell down. This is the counter: Genghis Khan punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! William Wallace pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. William Wallace stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

You can teach a lot of things at this level, but not lateral quickness. Allen Iverson is doing a fine traffic cone impression. The military leader gets whistled for the swipe. Forty honest hours a week and here he is, picking pockets in front of twenty thousand witnesses.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Genghis Khan rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Third one of these from Genghis Khan this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Allen Iverson treats every miss like it belongs to him. Miss, tip, bucket. Allen Iverson makes his living in the wreckage.

Chest bump so violent that Allen Iverson and Victor Wembanyama both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

This is the entire night compressed into eight seconds, and the ball never leaves the hands of Victor Wembanyama. Exactly the way he wanted it. Whistle! Victor Wembanyama got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. The whole building is on its feet, the ball comes long off the back iron, and Victor Wembanyama just stares at the hardwood.

William Wallace mimes popping a champagne bottle. Genghis Khan mimes chugging straight from it. And here is the answer to our game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! Elmer Sizemore of Wet Sock, Louisiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The answer was of course ninety four degrees near the fan and ninety six everywhere else. Elmer therefore wins a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

99-98 (W)

Allen Iverson walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. STOP AND GO! Victor Wembanyama hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Fifth possession this half where Victor Wembanyama has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the military leader made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. Genghis Khan rose straight over the top of him, and one.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Genghis Khan lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. William Wallace drags Genghis Khan away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how William Wallace breaks a shell down. Allen Iverson comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Allen Iverson!

Rest time. Nikola Jokić isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. They say Nikola Jokić eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Smell! To win a barbecue apron that reads KISS THE FORKLIFT OPERATOR, text HOOPS to 555-0357 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of orange slices or a pound of team spirit?' Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

Clean feed from William Wallace, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Two defenders, one gap, and Victor Wembanyama finds it. Onions on that pass. Prayer from William Wallace. Not answered.

Watch the change of pace from Genghis Khan, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Genghis Khan missed that one with real conviction.

The defender planted his feet, and Allen Iverson said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Allen Iverson is doing it the old way.

Straight down the baseline goes the military leader! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Oh, that is rough. William Wallace killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Allen Iverson has all the room in the world. Off the back iron for Allen Iverson, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

The shooter saw Victor Wembanyama rising into his eyeline, rushed the release, and caught nothing but the side of the rim.

Look at that bench, not one man seated. Allen Iverson had this moment circled since the walkthrough, and the shot has not even gone up. From WAY downtown! Allen Iverson walks into it from 27 feet and the red light is on before the ball comes down. DAGGER!

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Allen Iverson is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Allen Iverson makes the phone sign toward the opposing bench. Genghis Khan makes the 'call us' gesture. And here is the answer to our game Name That Smell! Odell Trippett of Broke Axle, Alaska, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of orange slices or a pound of team spirit?' The answer was of course the orange slices, and it is not close. Odell takes home a barbecue apron that reads KISS THE FORKLIFT OPERATOR! I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

83-118 (L)

BAAAANG! Allen Iverson sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. Down, up, and gone for Nikola Jokić. The rim is just toying with him now.

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Watch the spacing there, Genghis Khan hits William Wallace right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Day job, then this: the military leader reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. The defender fronted him, so Nikola Jokić sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Set called, William Wallace waved out to the corner, and Allen Iverson watches the spacing open up like a front door. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at William Wallace the moment he crosses half court. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, William Wallace goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Well-deserved break. Genghis Khan looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Confession: Genghis Khan calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show Shark Tank of Guppies! To win a hand-stitched quilt featuring nine unrecognizable presidents, text HOOPS to 555-0138 and answer this question: 'How many miles per gallon does a zamboni get?' Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.

Allen Iverson just took a shoulder to the chest to buy William Wallace half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. REJECTED! William Wallace takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The defender planted his feet, and Allen Iverson said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. Allen Iverson had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

Nikola Jokić turns and points at his teammates, and the entire bench comes up as one. The entry pass goes in, Victor Wembanyama beats the big man to it, and this building is already standing up.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The military leader just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! The defense keeps turning contested looks by William Wallace into free points. STOP REACHING. Boring is beautiful, and William Wallace is automatic from the stripe. That is how you close a game out.

Straight to the logo at center court, William Wallace plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Allen Iverson stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Oh my. Allen Iverson did not even draw iron.

The military leader takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. BANG is what Genghis Khan was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Clean feed from Allen Iverson, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Dribble handoff from Victor Wembanyama, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! From eight feet Genghis Khan puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

Allen Iverson sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Genghis Khan puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. And here is the answer to our game Shark Tank of Guppies! Curtis Boggs of Hog Waller, Florida, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many miles per gallon does a zamboni get?' The answer was of course enough, and it does not care for the question. Curtis takes home a hand-stitched quilt featuring nine unrecognizable presidents! During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

97-105 (L)

Tip is UP and Victor Wembanyama gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Allen Iverson has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching William Wallace precisely where the play wanted it. The military leader just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. AIRBALL! William Wallace missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

The military leader just got left in the dust, and in fairness, that is a professional athlete he was asked to guard.

That is five guys on a string and Victor Wembanyama is the knot holding it together, because the corner gets covered behind him too.

Halftime whistle. Victor Wembanyama high-fives his teammates on the way out. Fun fact: Victor Wembanyama failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show To Tell the Truth-ish! To win a wall clock shaped like a rooster that crows at random, text HOOPS to 555-0330 and answer this question: 'What is the scientific name for the smell of a middle school gymnasium?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

Right on time, not a half step late. Victor Wembanyama makes that ball handler pull it back out with absolutely nothing to show for it. Not a bite on the pump fake, Victor Wembanyama stays tall, and the floater dies on the iron.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Textbook two three with Victor Wembanyama manning the back line, and they have not seen a clean look in three trips. PICKED HIS POCKET! Victor Wembanyama jumps the passing lane and he is GONE the other way!

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Allen Iverson, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. So close. Allen Iverson can only stare at the iron.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Genghis Khan has known that all night long. From WAY downtown off the pop! Allen Iverson with the extra pass and CASH. The military leader just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! That is body control you simply cannot coach: Victor Wembanyama stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Allen Iverson makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. OHHHH! Nikola Jokić went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Nine seconds to work with, one play call, and it runs through William Wallace. When the game shrinks like this, you go to your guy. OHHHH that is BEAUTIFUL basketball! Genghis Khan finishes the set and the whole bench is up.

Allen Iverson has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Genghis Khan has aged ten years in forty minutes. And here is the answer to our game To Tell the Truth-ish! Merle Hackenbush of Muddy Boot, Illinois, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the scientific name for the smell of a middle school gymnasium?' The answer was of course nostalgia, with strong notes of floor wax. Merle takes home a wall clock shaped like a rooster that crows at random! On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

104-95 (W)

The military leader just got tossed for a flagrant two, and somewhere a shift supervisor is watching this on a break room TV in absolute horror.

Watch the spacing there, Genghis Khan hits Allen Iverson right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Allen Iverson pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Allen Iverson gets into the paint, sees the shot blocker rising, and simply lifts it over the top of him. Never had a prayer.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Genghis Khan does. The military leader misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

This is the discipline that decides tight games. Nikola Jokić has to step out and step back in, and everybody in this building knows it.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Halftime whistle. Nikola Jokić has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Did you know Nikola Jokić knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Cleveland Twin-Towers's colors. By accident, obviously. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Free Throws! To win a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns, text HOOPS to 555-0952 and answer this question: 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.

Onions from the sideline! The head man eats a technical standing up for Victor Wembanyama, and that entire bench LOVED it.

Two dribbles, a turn, and William Wallace heaves it from just inside half court. Splash. That bench has completely lost its mind. Both coaches are up off the bench pleading while the officials walk the William Wallace sequence back frame by frame. This is what the monitor is for, and it just told twenty thousand people that the shot from William Wallace is real.

Illegal screen on Nikola Jokić. All that effort, and the reward is a whistle and a long walk back on defense.

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Allen Iverson slips it to Victor Wembanyama right in the pocket. Surgical. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Victor Wembanyama do that to one of their own.

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. Victor Wembanyama holds it three seconds. Allen Iverson applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and Victor Wembanyama collects every last one.

Ooof. Genghis Khan got put on SKATES right there. Two on the board for the visitors, and Genghis Khan knows it before the officials even get their hands up.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Genghis Khan threw it before the help even committed. Victor Wembanyama comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Genghis Khan just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed Genghis Khan would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

Allen Iverson hits a dab in 2026. Genghis Khan does an ironic dab. Nikola Jokić has no idea what that is. And here is the answer to our game show Fear Factor Free Throws! Charlene Bumgarner of Hushpuppy Ridge, New Hampshire, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' The answer was of course two point six miles, all of it inside a nine foot box. Charlene therefore wins a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns! On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

97-111 (L)

Won it clean! Victor Wembanyama got up and over him with room to spare.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Allen Iverson controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The military leader reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Rim out for Genghis Khan, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Ball moves. Allen Iverson to William Wallace, on time and on target. The military leader just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Allen Iverson hands it off to Victor Wembanyama, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Runner in the lane by Allen Iverson, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

Blowing smoke off two fingers like a gunslinger, Allen Iverson holsters them in his waistband. Genghis Khan plays dead on the baseline. The mascot joins the bit uninvited. A referee has to physically separate a celebration from an inbound play.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Break! Genghis Khan takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Genghis Khan once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Set called, Genghis Khan waved out to the corner, and Allen Iverson watches the spacing open up like a front door. The defender planted his feet, and Genghis Khan said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Genghis Khan has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

This is the counter: Allen Iverson punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. That is what heavy minutes do, Nikola Jokić has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Ball into Nikola Jokić at the elbow, Allen Iverson plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Allen Iverson beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Allen Iverson, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Into traffic goes Allen Iverson, he gets clubbed, he scores anyway, and the free throw is PURE. Three the hard way.

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, Allen Iverson tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Allen Iverson breaks a shell down. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Genghis Khan the moment he crosses half court. That is a forced shot from the military leader that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Victor Wembanyama did that, and now the loudest twelve people in this arena are all wearing the same uniform he is.

Victor Wembanyama buries it, turns to the crowd on the way back, and the other side immediately calls time. Dagger and a timeout in the same breath.

Allen Iverson mutters 'damn' under his breath. Genghis Khan says 'yeah' in the same tone. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

103-97 (W)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Victor Wembanyama winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

He had a clear runway, he had two steps of daylight, and Genghis Khan took it all away anyway. Wide open runway! Genghis Khan gets to the rim before the defense even crosses halfcourt!

Laser from Allen Iverson, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. William Wallace drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Awful shot by Victor Wembanyama with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Hold everything, they are going to the replay on Allen Iverson, and this building has stopped breathing. Games turn on calls the naked eye could never make, and this one just went the way of Allen Iverson.

Halftime. Genghis Khan glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Little secret: Genghis Khan watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! To win a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0759 and answer this question: 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

The drive gets a step, Victor Wembanyama stays down, waits for the release, and hammers it off the glass.

Allen Iverson walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Nikola Jokić, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Nikola Jokić gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Allen Iverson kicks it over to Genghis Khan, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. One little shoulder dip from Genghis Khan and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Jab, jab, STEPBACK. Genghis Khan snatched his ankles and let it go clean.

The too-small gesture, aimed straight at the San Antonio Skyscrapers bench, both hands measuring an inch of air. Their coach is out of his chair and onto the officials. Genghis Khan keeps the pose, unblinking, backpedaling all the way. The arena hits a decibel level that clips the broadcast mics.

Allen Iverson has to see that help man. When a defender beats you to the spot and sits down, you pull it out.

Watch the spacing there, Allen Iverson hits Nikola Jokić right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Genghis Khan sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Nikola Jokić lays it right on his hands in traffic! Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Genghis Khan. Nobody expects touch like that from the military leader, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

Genghis Khan runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

The crew chief has the headset on, three angles on the screen, everybody in here staring at Nikola Jokić. Cold, clinical, and correct. That monitor just took everything from Nikola Jokić.

Victor Wembanyama makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. Allen Iverson makes a bigger heart. Genghis Khan makes a massive heart. And here is the answer to our game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! Elmer Sizemore of Wet Sock, Louisiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The answer was of course ninety four degrees near the fan and ninety six everywhere else. Elmer therefore wins a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers! Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

75-119 (L)

SKIP PASS! Allen Iverson fires it cross court to William Wallace and the defense is dead in the water! Watch the sell from William Wallace here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Heat check for William Wallace and it is GOOD. He is COOKING, and this building knows exactly what it is watching.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Victor Wembanyama and an assistant coach who both want to hug William Wallace first. William Wallace lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Genghis Khan stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Genghis Khan rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The military leader takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Straight back to the office for the military leader, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

The players head to the locker room. Genghis Khan is sweating like a racehorse. Little scoop: Genghis Khan tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. And now, our halftime TV game show Three in a Row Probably! To win a crock pot with the lid from a completely different crock pot, text HOOPS to 555-0607 and answer this question: 'What happens to the air inside a basketball left in a truck overnight?' We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Push the pace! Allen Iverson grabs it and hits Nikola Jokić in stride before the defense can even match up. You could hear the whole building groan, and Nikola Jokić knew it the second the ball left his fingers, already jogging back on defense.

One hard jab step and William Wallace is leaning the wrong way, and the drive goes right past his shoulder. This is the kind of detail that keeps coaches awake at night: Nikola Jokić simply has to let that shot miss instead of donating a bucket.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Allen Iverson has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Nikola Jokić precisely where the play wanted it. One hard step and Nikola Jokić owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Nikola Jokić takes two dribbles past halfcourt, rises from thirty five feet, and the net barely moves. Filthy.

Nothing but a nod. Nikola Jokić jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest bench looks personally insulted.

OHHHH, what a read by Genghis Khan! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Allen Iverson he is on the wrong end of it.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Allen Iverson controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. BAAAANG! William Wallace sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. Genghis Khan rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Down screen, and Allen Iverson curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Allen Iverson drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Laser from Allen Iverson, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Look how low Nikola Jokić keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Shot clock at one, and Nikola Jokić just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Nikola Jokić hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Allen Iverson keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. And here is the answer to our game show Three in a Row Probably! Colleen Hackenberg of Rusty Nail, Pennsylvania, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What happens to the air inside a basketball left in a truck overnight?' The answer was of course it becomes a slightly smaller basketball, and everybody in the gym agrees to say nothing about it. Colleen therefore wins a crock pot with the lid from a completely different crock pot! On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'