My dream soccer team — football_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

2-2 (L)

IShowSpeed accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Pull-back from IShowSpeed towards Alejandro Balde on the penalty spot, that is an absolute offering. Alejandro Balde touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

Lionel Messi rolls it to Dean Huijsen, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Dean Huijsen slides a beauty through the gap, Rodri is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. GOOOOAL for Rodri! BLISTERING 20-yard rocket, the keeper did not even see the ball leave!

Pau Cubarsí slides the ball into space for Charles Leclerc, he is away down the middle. Charles Leclerc bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Cross out of reach from Charles Leclerc, Lionel Messi cannot do a thing, it is too high. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep.

And there it is, Paris Saint-Glinglin score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Matvey Safonov sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. LeBron James snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Matvey Safonov waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Michael Jordan pings a ridiculous diagonal to Rodri. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Magnificent leap from Rodri who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. IShowSpeed goes for it and BAAANG! On target! But the keeper sticks out a firm hand and pushes it for a corner.

Lionel Messi sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Charles Leclerc sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Lionel Messi nods but does not look up. Dean Huijsen once bumped into David Attenborough at a Tesco Express and panicked so badly the 21-year-old dropped an entire basket of Pot Noodles. Sir David apparently whispered 'fascinating specimen.' And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 7788 and answer this question: 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?' The second period begins and Charles Leclerc launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. Matvey Safonov comes out to the penalty spot and grabs the ball. Aerial command, all under control. Matvey Safonov lumps it long towards Alejandro Balde, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Alejandro Balde launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Charles Leclerc, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. Rodri chops the opponent down at the halfway line. Stops the counter. Rodri tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. What a scramble from Superman's corner! The ball refuses to go dead, defense finally clears!

The crowd can sense it, something's about to give. Deflected shot from the rapper, the defender makes himself big. In that role, the technique was there but the block was perfect. The basketball player sees his cross deflected behind for a corner. It happens, but you have got to keep delivering from that side. Instinctive clearance from Dean Huijsen who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

Oh no, Paris Saint-Glinglin score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Matvey Safonov weaves through Paris Saint-Glinglin's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Lionel Messi screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Mad pressing, the strikers chase defenders like wolves. Michael Jordan steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Superb diagonal from the entrepreneur to IShowSpeed, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. The rapper bends the ball into the box for Charles Leclerc. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games.

The formula one driver puts in a pinpoint corner but nobody hits the target. In that position, it is maddening to see your deliveries go to waste like that. Matvey Safonov boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Rodri! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Good ball from Rodri to Michael Jordan, playing it quick between the lines. Michael Jordan switches the play to Charles Leclerc on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

Rodri delivers the corner and it's CHAOS in there! A defender hooks it off the line! Massive clearance from IShowSpeed in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. The opponent gets the better of Pau Cubarsí in the aerial duel. Too small, too light, not high enough. It is cruel but that is football.

Points shared. Alejandro Balde sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Superman crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?'. The answer was of course the 21st, specifically in 2004, following a landmark case in Barnsley Crown Court. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Charles Leclerc covers the ground in a few strides, leaving everyone behind him. What a run. Charles Leclerc produces a LUXURY solo! He dribbles, he accelerates, he beats them, he finishes, GOAL!

Charles Leclerc stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Superman follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Matvey Safonov plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Charles Leclerc plays the one-two with Pau Cubarsí, give and go, that is absolutely silky! GOOOOAL! Charles Leclerc unleashes a thunderbolt, the keeper did not even see it!

Careless distribution from Alejandro Balde, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Foot save from Matvey Safonov, the attacker thought he had scored but the keeper blocks it. Almighty boot from Pau Cubarsí who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe.

Alejandro Balde sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Alejandro Balde plays the simple ball to Charles Leclerc, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. The formula one driver switches the play to Alejandro Balde, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Lionel Messi decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path. Lionel Messi lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. Matvey Safonov finds IShowSpeed with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. The rapper wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts.

LeBron James has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. Pau Cubarsí is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. Now Dean Huijsen — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 197, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 0001 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of regret?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Rodri is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Matvey Safonov distributes by hand to Alejandro Balde on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Royal interception from Alejandro Balde! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Wing switch from Alejandro Balde, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Superman brings it down with a velvet touch. Class.

Oh no, México No-Era-Penal have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Matvey Safonov scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Superman is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Michael Jordan steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. The entrepreneur hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. With one swing of the boot, IShowSpeed finds Pau Cubarsí on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

Brilliant pass from IShowSpeed! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Pau Cubarsí is onto it. SO CLOSE! Pau Cubarsí sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in. Matvey Safonov launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Michael Jordan after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Michael Jordan looks up and launches a long pass towards Alejandro Balde. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Huge aerial duel won by Alejandro Balde, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane.

The entrepreneur produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Lionel Messi gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Lionel Messi keeps it short to Pau Cubarsí, no frills, just good football intelligence. Pau Cubarsí finds IShowSpeed in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class.

Lionel Messi fires the ball over to Michael Jordan with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Michael Jordan wants to find Charles Leclerc between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted. The referee's whistle goes against Alejandro Balde, caught the opponent late. The free kick from Alejandro Balde is a dangerous one, Rodri meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box.

WHAT A WIN! Dean Huijsen and Superman do their signature handshake — twelve steps, three fist bumps, and something involving elbows that nobody else can replicate. The fans try to copy it in the stands. It goes badly. Everyone loves it anyway. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the boiling point of regret?'. The answer was of course 73 degrees, which is the exact temperature of a bath you ran two hours ago. Valerie wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-1 (W)

The press from LeBron James pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and LeBron James pounces. A forced gift. Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Lionel Messi aims and places it BEAUTIFULLY! Curled strike, the ball brushes the post and rocks the net!

Full moonwalk from LeBron James, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Charles Leclerc does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Matvey Safonov applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Matvey Safonov produces THE howler of the match! He literally hands the ball to the opposing attacker, you cannot believe it! Superman arrives at full pelt and prods the ball in at point-blank range! On the delivery from IShowSpeed, it is in, GOAL!

Matvey Safonov sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Rodri photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

What positioning from Pau Cubarsí! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Lay-off from Pau Cubarsí to Charles Leclerc, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Ground pass from Charles Leclerc into the free zone for IShowSpeed, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post. IShowSpeed gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building.

They've nicked a goal! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib catch us cold on the break.

Full moonwalk from Matvey Safonov, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Rodri does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Matvey Safonov applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Smooth transition from Michael Jordan to LeBron James, no delay, the game keeps flowing. LeBron James puts the ball right into the path of Superman, played to the inch, the space is found. Cut-back from Superman along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Lionel Messi centrally.

Matvey Safonov is doing an impression of Casablanca Dima-Maghrib's manager and it is absolutely spot on. Arms flailing, face going beetroot, the lot. IShowSpeed is in stitches, nearly choking on {his} energy gel. The gaffer lets it run for a minute before clapping his hands. "Right, settle down. We ain't done yet, but bloody hell, that was funny." Despite the wages, Pau Cubarsí insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 19 and 184, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' Matvey Safonov leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Pau Cubarsí puts in a desperate sprint to get back and it pays off, arrives just in time to clear. Woah! Pau Cubarsí has absolutely poleaxed the attacker with that challenge. The physio is on. Red card for Pau Cubarsí! He's headbutted an opponent, that is disgraceful behaviour. Free kick from Pau Cubarsí... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch.

Relentless pressing, the opposition can barely breathe out there. Foul given against Michael Jordan, he went through the back of the opponent. The free kick from Michael Jordan ends up in row Z. He has absolutely ballooned that.

Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Effort from IShowSpeed, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

Short distribution from Matvey Safonov to Superman, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Switch from Superman! The ball arcs over the midfield and Rodri collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Rodri beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction.

Beautiful distribution from Matvey Safonov to LeBron James, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Long ball from LeBron James to IShowSpeed, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. IShowSpeed wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Huge tackle from Pau Cubarsí! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Blistering solo run from Pau Cubarsí, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. Pau Cubarsí reads the movement from Superman and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts.

Job done. Lionel Messi and Alejandro Balde stroll off arm in arm, grinning like Cheshire cats. The lads in the tunnel are already blasting music — sounds like someone's brought a speaker size of a fridge. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib's lot are filing out quietly. Not their night. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-2 (L)

They've scored! Dakar Teranga FC break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Matvey Safonov finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. LeBron James plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Non-stop press, the opposition are on their knees. Rodri puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like. Rodri looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Rodri stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Lionel Messi follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Matvey Safonov plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Quick throw from Matvey Safonov to IShowSpeed out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Short pass from the rapper to Dean Huijsen, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. GOOOOOAL! Dean Huijsen takes responsibility from 30 yards and sends a MAGNIFICENT rocket top bins!

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Matvey Safonov. Charles Leclerc is on his knees clapping, Matvey Safonov is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Alejandro Balde dives in studs first on the attacker, completely mistimed and extremely dangerous. Everything grinds to a halt as VAR takes over. You could hear a pin drop in here. VAR steps in and Alejandro Balde's challenge deserves red, the referee changes his mind! SENT OFF! Alejandro Balde is dismissed for a horror tackle. The stretcher is coming on. Alejandro Balde sends the free kick in front of goal, LeBron James leaps to try the header.

Superman pulls off a nutmeg with flair, he pushes the ball one side and glides past the other. Genius. Superman sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Aimless cross from Superman, not for Michael Jordan, not for anyone. That is a waste.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Matvey Safonov is livid, gesturing wildly. Lionel Messi chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." Now here's a proper one — Matvey Safonov was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 192, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 1122 and answer this question: 'What is the postcode for existential dread?' And the second half is go! Dean Huijsen charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Mistimed tackle from Dean Huijsen, the attacker just skips past him without breaking stride. FELINE fingertip save from Matvey Safonov! He gets a touch with the tips of his fingers and turns it for a corner. The corner from Pau Cubarsí is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it.

Rodri slips IShowSpeed in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. IShowSpeed gets down the left and pulls it back low, Dean Huijsen is stationed on the penalty spot.

Crunching tackle by Dean Huijsen on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Dean Huijsen hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Clinical interception from Lionel Messi, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Sublime through ball from Lionel Messi for Charles Leclerc who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. The formula one driver winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming.

Oh no, Dakar Teranga FC score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Matvey Safonov and IShowSpeed do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Matvey Safonov arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat. Low cut-back from Charles Leclerc, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Pau Cubarsí. The shot from Pau Cubarsí is blocked, the defender put his body on the line. Dean Huijsen tries to cross from the wing but the defender heads it away. Matvey Safonov plays it along the ground to Alejandro Balde, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Pau Cubarsí lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Alejandro Balde down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Powerful effort from Alejandro Balde, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper stretches and tips it over the bar. Corner from Alejandro Balde, the defence heads it clear, the ball is punted well away from the box.

Great vision from Michael Jordan who switches to Rodri. The defence pivots, but they are too late. The overlap from Rodri, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Rodri puts it right into the feet of Alejandro Balde, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Alejandro Balde spreads it to Lionel Messi, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Lightning one-two between Lionel Messi and LeBron James, so quick the defender is left standing like a statue.

Level score. Matvey Safonov screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Alejandro Balde boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Clive Fogsworth, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the postcode for existential dread?'. The answer was of course SL1 1AA, which is technically in Slough, and that explains everything. Clive wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

High recovery from IShowSpeed who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Body feint from IShowSpeed, the defender goes the wrong way, that is cruel. What a GOAL from IShowSpeed! On the cross from Lionel Messi, he curls his shot and the ball dies in the bottom corner.

GOAL for Douala Makossa-Corner! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Firm pass from IShowSpeed into Lionel Messi, right into the boots. No waste. BOOOM off the bar! Lionel Messi makes the whole frame shake! The keeper was a spectator! GOOOOL from Pau Cubarsí! Tap-in from 3 yards, on the cross from LeBron James, the empty net was waiting, job done. GOOOAL!

IShowSpeed weaves through Douala Makossa-Corner's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Pau Cubarsí screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

The formula one driver does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. Charles Leclerc strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening. Lay-off from Superman to Alejandro Balde out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. Alejandro Balde reaches the byline and rolls it back along the ground, Rodri receives it in the box. It is on a plate.

The corner from Rodri is immediately cleared at the near post, the defence is alert. Diagonal from Pau Cubarsí to Lionel Messi, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Lionel Messi explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. No joy for Lionel Messi, he tried to go it alone but the defender read him like a book and takes the ball. Masterful reading from Alejandro Balde who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening.

Alejandro Balde stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Douala Makossa-Corner. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Superman cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Now Pau Cubarsí has a rather unusual pre-match ritual — he has to watch a full episode of EastEnders before kickoff. If Phil Mitchell isn't in the episode, he considers it a bad omen. He's 19 years old and still won't grow out of it. And now, our TV game show The Cube of Disappointment! To win a raffle ticket for a caravan in Skegness, text 3921 and answer: 'What is the average wind speed inside a British seaside caravan in August?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Alejandro Balde wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Brilliant tackle from Alejandro Balde! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Alejandro Balde slides it to Lionel Messi, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Lightning overlap from Lionel Messi, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Lionel Messi feeds Superman in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Heroic defending, every ball is swept up with proper concentration. Dean Huijsen puts in a monster defensive effort, runs the length of the pitch to cut out the counter-attack. Matvey Safonov hurls himself at the attacker and blocks. The ball is smothered, the keeper has won the duel. Granite block, the opposition breaks its teeth on it.

IShowSpeed dinks his cross over the defensive curtain for Michael Jordan, the kind of delivery that brings the crowd to its feet. Michael Jordan connects on a left-footed volley, the foot is sweet but the ball sails over. Shame, it was gorgeous. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

'I told you so' mode. Matvey Safonov eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. LeBron James pulls Matvey Safonov away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Massive punt from Matvey Safonov, sends the ball sixty yards, Dean Huijsen is scrapping for it up top. Dean Huijsen delivers a tidy ball to IShowSpeed, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. The rapper finds Pau Cubarsí along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Interception from Michael Jordan right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Michael Jordan shifts it to IShowSpeed with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. IShowSpeed puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery! Short build-up from IShowSpeed to Dean Huijsen, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. SHOOOOT from Lionel Messi... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in. Matvey Safonov plays it short to Alejandro Balde, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Wasteful from Alejandro Balde on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Rodri throws his arms up in frustration.

Honours even. Matvey Safonov finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Charles Leclerc walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. Colin from Cleethorpes says the average is forty-seven miles per hour and that's inside the caravan. Raffle ticket is his! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Rodri arrives full pelt and pokes the ball into the net! Off the tip of the boot, the keeper has no chance, GOAL!

Short restart from Matvey Safonov to Alejandro Balde, building from the back nice and tidy. Alejandro Balde opens up to Charles Leclerc on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. The formula one driver plays it simple to Pau Cubarsí, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Pau Cubarsí skins the defender with a quick shimmy, the opponent will not see the ball again.

Tidy restart from Matvey Safonov along the deck to Rodri, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Rodri plays it simple to Dean Huijsen, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Dean Huijsen lays it off first time to LeBron James, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

Monster clearance from Dean Huijsen! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Charles Leclerc reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Charles Leclerc hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something.

Short corner from LeBron James, Charles Leclerc comes back to lay it off, they're looking for a fresh angle. Cut-back along the ground from Charles Leclerc on the right, Alejandro Balde picks it up centrally in front of goal. Massive chance. NOOOOO Alejandro Balde! The whole stadium had screamed goal after the pass from Superman, but he fires wide of the open net. Stunned silence.

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. Lionel Messi shifts uncomfortably on the bench. LeBron James picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." A little fun fact for you — Matvey Safonov, all 192 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7799 and answer this question: 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?' And they are off! Dean Huijsen touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Lovely use of the ball by IShowSpeed, finding Lionel Messi in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Lionel Messi finds the gap and serves LeBron James in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Massive hit from LeBron James, BOOOOM! On target but the keeper is absolutely commanding. Huge stop.

Monumental ball from Michael Jordan to LeBron James, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Ball in behind from the basketball player, Lionel Messi is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Lionel Messi powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go.

Combination from LeBron James to Lionel Messi on the short corner, they're trying to get past the wing. Lionel Messi picks out Superman with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Error from the superhero, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere.

Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over. IShowSpeed threads a ball into the void for Pau Cubarsí, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. Pau Cubarsí fires a low ball back across the box for Lionel Messi, the defence is caught wrong-footed. Lionel Messi unleashes a strike that is stopped dead by the defender. He put everything into that block.

They've done it! Lagos No-Carry-Last find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

'I told you so' mode. Matvey Safonov eyeballs the Lagos No-Carry-Last bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Superman pulls Matvey Safonov away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Rodri swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Superman, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Superman with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Quick exchange between Superman and LeBron James, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. The basketball player roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. The basketball player whips in a classic cross for Pau Cubarsí in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Matvey Safonov shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Superman goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?'. The answer was of course fourteen meetings across eighteen months, plus a public consultation and a strongly worded letter from a retired colonel. Valerie wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-0 (W)

Dean Huijsen reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. What a BOOOOOM from LeBron James! The ball flies like a bullet and ends up at 60mph in the top corner. GOAL!

Lionel Messi plays it into the channel for Charles Leclerc, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. The formula one driver lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. Long ball from Matvey Safonov for Rodri who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Rodri sends an aerial beauty to Lionel Messi, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Aerial duel won by Lionel Messi, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter.

Pau Cubarsí absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. Rodri unleashes a raking ball out to Alejandro Balde, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Alejandro Balde drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Dean Huijsen. Dean Huijsen is eaten alive in the air by the attacker, the duel is lost beyond any doubt. Pure power won the day. Lovely claim from Matvey Safonov! He comes through traffic and gathers without flinching. Top class goalkeeping.

Pau Cubarsí looks for Rodri but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in. FOOT save from Matvey Safonov! The attacker was tapping in but the keeper got the boot in there! Massive clearance from Dean Huijsen, just get the ball as far away as possible.

Matvey Safonov sends an absolute rocket towards Dean Huijsen, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Aerial duel won by Dean Huijsen in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything. Dean Huijsen clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. Superb leap from Alejandro Balde who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below. Quick one-two between Alejandro Balde and Lionel Messi, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Charles Leclerc claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. A little fun fact for you — Matvey Safonov, all 192 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Bargain Blitz! To win a lifetime supply of Marmite, text 0800TOAST and answer: 'How many jars of Marmite does it take to fill the Channel Tunnel?' Back on the pitch and Dean Huijsen is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Matvey Safonov distributes short to Alejandro Balde, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Incredible burst of pace from Alejandro Balde, he eats up the ground in just a few strides.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Rapid combination: Pau Cubarsí to Alejandro Balde, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

Matvey Safonov sparks the transition with a quick throw to IShowSpeed, the break is lightning fast. The rapper lays it off first time to Alejandro Balde, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Powerful run from Alejandro Balde down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Alejandro Balde lobs the back line with a sublime cross, Charles Leclerc collects behind the defence. That is the match-winning ball.

Enormous anticipation from Pau Cubarsí who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Pau Cubarsí sees what nobody else sees and puts Rodri through on goal with a genius through ball. Rodri puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Rodri puts the ball right into the mixer, Dean Huijsen arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. Ball in the gloves of Matvey Safonov! Clean handling, the keeper does not flinch for a second.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Superman puts Michael Jordan in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. Michael Jordan floats a cross in from the wing for Pau Cubarsí, the ball hangs in the box! Header from Pau Cubarsí, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Get in! Superman and Alejandro Balde do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Barranquilla Toque-Toque players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Superman turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Mrs. Brenda Thistlethwaite from Wolverhampton says forty-seven thousand, and frankly we couldn't be bothered to check, so she wins the Marmite! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-2 (L)

LeBron James overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. LeBron James chips an aerial cross over the centre-halves, Alejandro Balde is under the dropping ball. GOOOOOAL! Alejandro Balde climbs higher than anyone on the pass from Superman and powers an UNSTOPPABLE header!

LeBron James climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Michael Jordan films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Sombrero from the rapper on his marker. When you have got that skill repertoire in that role, you entertain the crowd every single match. One touch football: IShowSpeed to Charles Leclerc, faster than the opposition can think. Charles Leclerc releases Pau Cubarsí with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late.

GOAAAL for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Matvey Safonov slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. LeBron James photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Raking ball from the formula one driver to Rodri, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Rodri takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Ball loss from Rodri in a duel, the defender is stronger and wins it back. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt.

Matvey Safonov rolls it short to Pau Cubarsí into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Pau Cubarsí sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Lionel Messi. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Lionel Messi finds LeBron James between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Feint from LeBron James, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled.

LeBron James is fighting back tears on the bench. Not dramatic sobs, just the quiet kind that come from knowing you have let everyone down. Pau Cubarsí puts an arm around {his} shoulder: "Come on, mate. Forty-five minutes. We have come back from worse." But the dressing room does not look like it believes that right now. IShowSpeed once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 21, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show I'm a Celebrity Get Me a Cuppa! To win a flask of lukewarm tea and a rain mac, text 0800BREW and answer: 'How many sugars is too many sugars in a proper British cuppa?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Matvey Safonov does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

IShowSpeed nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic. Step-overs from IShowSpeed, the defender has lost the ball completely. IShowSpeed picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off. Matvey Safonov throws it out quickly to Michael Jordan, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

Rodri launches it to IShowSpeed on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Good cross from the rapper for Michael Jordan in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Cross from Michael Jordan blocked at the defender's feet. The attempt comes to nothing. IShowSpeed thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable.

The corner from Rodri is met by Lionel Messi with a header, but it drifts past the frame. Matvey Safonov fires it out quickly by hand to Alejandro Balde, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Alejandro Balde gives it to Lionel Messi into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Massive diagonal from Lionel Messi! Pau Cubarsí receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

It's a goal for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Raw emotion: Matvey Safonov cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, LeBron James crouches beside him and speaks softly. Matvey Safonov jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Absolute peach from LeBron James, threading it through for Charles Leclerc, the centre-halves are done for! Flag raised against the formula one driver. Lionel Messi's ball was good but the timing was off. Enormous clearance from Dean Huijsen inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Alejandro Balde floats it into the gap for LeBron James, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot. The basketball player overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. LeBron James dinks a lobbed cross for Charles Leclerc, the ball clears everyone and drops perfectly. Ball claimed by Matvey Safonov on the cross, total authority in his box. Matvey Safonov smashes a volley towards Superman, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Little shift from IShowSpeed to Dean Huijsen, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Perfect low cut-back from Dean Huijsen, the ball slides across the box and Michael Jordan just has to finish.

Loss against Montevideo Garra-Charrúan and it stings. LeBron James still goes over to the travelling fans, hand on heart, mouthing "sorry" through the drizzle. Michael Jordan follows. The away end responds with a round of applause that almost makes it worse. These fans deserve better. Deirdre from Blackpool says three sugars and after that you're basically drinking syrup. Flask of tea and rain mac for Deirdre! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Raw emotion: Matvey Safonov cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Alejandro Balde crouches beside him and speaks softly. Matvey Safonov jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Charles Leclerc looks up and swings in a floated cross, Superman rises among the defenders. Oh my word the OVERHEAD from Superman! The cross from IShowSpeed arrives, he throws himself into a full rotation and FIRES the ball into the back of the net! GOAL! That is the kind of finish you see ONCE in a lifetime!

Monster clearance from Matvey Safonov, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan to Dean Huijsen, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Dean Huijsen takes a run-up and FIIIRES from distance! It is an unstoppable rocket, the keeper had no chance, GOAL!

Change of flanks from Pau Cubarsí, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Dean Huijsen. Dean Huijsen beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless.

It's in the back of the net! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Matvey Safonov climbs onto Lionel Messi's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Matvey Safonov circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Dean Huijsen winces. Pau Cubarsí looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. LeBron James accidentally went live on Instagram while singing Spice Girls in the bath. The clip hit 2 million views before the 42-year-old even noticed — Mel B reportedly sent a thumbs up. And now, our TV game show The Price Is Outrageous! To win a Freddo at its current price, text 0800FREDDO and answer: 'In what year did a Freddo cost ten pence and all was right with the world?' Pau Cubarsí is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Matvey Safonov goes long for IShowSpeed, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Bad pass from the rapper, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly.

Matvey Safonov plays out from the back with Pau Cubarsí, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Pau Cubarsí picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. A tug on the shirt from Pau Cubarsí, the opponent can't get away. Free kick. Yellow card for Pau Cubarsí. Been nibbling at opponents all game, the ref has had his fill.

Michael Jordan pings a long diagonal to IShowSpeed, completely shifts the point of attack. Ball into space from IShowSpeed, Dean Huijsen just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius. That's been flagged. Dean Huijsen was in an offside position when Lionel Messi played it through. Matvey Safonov opts for the short option to IShowSpeed, keeping possession, building play, no panic. The rapper accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

The formula one driver dummies the shot and plays it short. In that position, that ability to read the defence and pick the right option is what separates the great players. WHAT A SHAME for Lionel Messi! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright. Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. Smart pass from IShowSpeed into the hole for Michael Jordan, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football.

Lionel Messi links up with Pau Cubarsí, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Pau Cubarsí shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Lionel Messi. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Lionel Messi charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible.

Long kick from Matvey Safonov, Dean Huijsen positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Brilliant switch of play from Dean Huijsen! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Charles Leclerc. Enormous leap from the formula one driver who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Charles Leclerc clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Driven kick from Matvey Safonov to Lionel Messi, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield.

They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. WHAT A MISS from Rodri! Sends it into the clouds, about 15 yards over the bar. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop.

Level score. Matvey Safonov screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Charles Leclerc boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Little Gemma from Kettering says it was 2002 and she wants those days back. One Freddo at current market rates for Gemma! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-0 (W)

Absolutely immense from Michael Jordan! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Michael Jordan drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Alejandro Balde read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. What CLASS from Alejandro Balde! He places his shot with diabolical precision, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

Michael Jordan dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Lionel Messi sets it for Charles Leclerc, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Nutmeg from Charles Leclerc, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that. The formula one driver unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon. Corner cleared, the formula one driver finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. The entrepreneur boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Good ball from the entrepreneur to Dean Huijsen, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Good run from Dean Huijsen who crosses to the near post for Lionel Messi. The defender is beaten to it. The cross from Lionel Messi is cut out at the near post, the defender read it perfectly. Matvey Safonov takes his time and plays it short to Superman. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Superman launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Superman was flying.

IShowSpeed delivers an inswinging free kick, Rodri at the back post tries to get on the end of it. HEADER from Rodri! His forehead connects but it flies over the crossbar. Unlucky. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive.

They push up as a unit, the opposition can't string two passes together. Superb defensive work from Dean Huijsen there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Line-breaking pass from Dean Huijsen! The ball slices through the centre-halves and LeBron James picks it up at full pace. Devastating. SHOOOOOT from LeBron James, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide! Corner from LeBron James well taken but the defence does its job, cleared comfortably.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." IShowSpeed is leaning back with {his} feet up, 180 cm of pure relaxation. Lionel Messi is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. Unbelievable but true — LeBron James has been banned from three separate branches of Nando's for excessive use of the bottomless refill machine. He views it as a personal challenge, not a service. The man is 42 and shows no signs of slowing down. And now, our TV game show Escape to the Country Lane! To win directions to a village with no phone signal, text 0800RURAL and answer: 'How far from the nearest Tesco Express must you live before it counts as the countryside?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Lionel Messi picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Matvey Safonov hoofs it forward towards Dean Huijsen, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Dean Huijsen spots Michael Jordan in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. The entrepreneur finds Pau Cubarsí along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Step-over from Pau Cubarsí, he ghosts past his man in one move!

High recovery from Rodri, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Sideways ball from Rodri to LeBron James, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. LeBron James gives it to Lionel Messi, sprints, asks for it back, and gets it. The classic one-two but absolutely lethal.

Rodri drops a lofted ball to LeBron James, it sails over the entire midfield line. Acceleration from LeBron James down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. LeBron James keeps it short to Dean Huijsen, no frills, just good football intelligence. Short build-up from Dean Huijsen to LeBron James, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Rapid combination LeBron James-Alejandro Balde, the one-two rips through the midfield. That is snooker.

Crossfield pass from Rodri to IShowSpeed, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. IShowSpeed goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. IShowSpeed launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

GET IN THERE! IShowSpeed slides on his knees across the wet turf, Rodri piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Rio Malandro FC can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Hilary from Surrey says at least three miles from a Tesco Express and you need at least one cow visible from the window. Directions for Hilary! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-2 (L)

It was bound to happen. Istanbul Cehennem FK score and honestly, we deserved that.

Superman finds Charles Leclerc between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Charles Leclerc sticks to the opposition midfielder and ends up winning the ball in a dangerous area. Pressing is sacrifice, and Charles Leclerc has it in buckets. GOOOOAL for Charles Leclerc! He plays LeBron James in, gets it back and places his shot to the keeper's wrong side!

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Solo run from Charles Leclerc, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. LOB from Charles Leclerc! GOAL! The keeper was three yards off his line, Charles Leclerc spotted it and sent a CHIPPED ball that sails over him and drops into the net. GENIUS awareness!

Charles Leclerc runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Michael Jordan gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Superman goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Superman just won it. Superman turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Charles Leclerc. The defence did not even have time to blink. Crucial intervention from the formula one driver, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on.

Superman tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. The superhero bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match. Good ball from the superhero to Charles Leclerc, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Dean Huijsen is livid, gesturing wildly. Pau Cubarsí chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." Rodri once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 30, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Right then, part two. Matvey Safonov adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Just launching balls forward, only thing that matters is being up top. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Pass into space from Lionel Messi for Charles Leclerc, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference.

Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. Lionel Messi unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. Matvey Safonov catapults the ball towards IShowSpeed from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. The rapper gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level.

It's in! Istanbul Cehennem FK take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Ball over the top from LeBron James, Pau Cubarsí had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

Superman catches the opponent on the ankle, referee blows immediately. Superman curls the free kick but it drifts past the far post. Close but no cigar.

Alejandro Balde with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Shot from the basketball player, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Pau Cubarsí slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. The superhero misplaces his pass to Pau Cubarsí, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Matvey Safonov shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Michael Jordan goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-2 (L)

Matvey Safonov boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Pau Cubarsí! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Pau Cubarsí links up with Alejandro Balde, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. GOOOOAL! Alejandro Balde tries from distance and it goes in, the keeper is beaten, what a strike!

Matvey Safonov and Superman do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Matvey Safonov arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Alejandro Balde delivers a tidy ball to Michael Jordan, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Fantastic high recovery from Michael Jordan, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense. Michael Jordan does not rush, he looks at the keeper and FINALLY shoots! Placed in the bottom corner, GOOOOAL!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Alejandro Balde ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Michael Jordan leaps over him. Matvey Safonov walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Lionel Messi changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Superman. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Superman slides it to Lionel Messi, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Free kick conceded by Lionel Messi, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. Free kick played short by Lionel Messi and Alejandro Balde, the opposition did not see that one coming.

Corner cleared by the defence, the rapper was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations. Superman boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. The rapper shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to LeBron James. Pure quality, as per usual.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Wicked through ball from LeBron James, the ball skims the grass and finds Lionel Messi who had set off before anyone else even noticed. He shapes up, he shoots... WHAT A HIT from Lionel Messi! On target but the keeper palms it onto the bar! Lionel Messi takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Michael Jordan stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." Michael Jordan once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 63-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 3141 and answer this question: 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Dean Huijsen comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Matvey Safonov arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. LeBron James slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Matvey Safonov goes long for Pau Cubarsí, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Lovely interception from Pau Cubarsí, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Pau Cubarsí boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Charles Leclerc charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Cross from Charles Leclerc off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Dean Huijsen at the far side. The cross from Dean Huijsen clears the box entirely and goes straight out. Frustrating. Matvey Safonov plays out from the back with Dean Huijsen, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Attempted pass from Charles Leclerc to Dean Huijsen, but it is way too firm, flies out for a throw-in on the far side. Superman nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence.

Alejandro Balde reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Burst of speed from Rodri, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

GOAAAL! Milano Piano-Piano score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Free kick from Charles Leclerc delivered with pace, LeBron James finds himself in space at the far post. The basketball player dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Burst of speed from the basketball player down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Free kick to the opponents. LeBron James caught his man with a stray leg. Free kick played short, LeBron James to Alejandro Balde, they bypass the wall with the combination.

Draw against Milano Piano-Piano. IShowSpeed kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Alejandro Balde does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?'. The answer was of course a sort of moist sigh, like a librarian who has lost her bookmark. Colin wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-2 (L)

The rapper whips in the corner and it's MAYHEM! In that position, creating panic from set pieces is a massive weapon. LeBron James has the gift of the great strikers: being where it matters. On the loose ball, he prods it in, GOAL!

IShowSpeed points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Superman comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. GOOOOAL! Lionel Messi places his shot into the bottom corner from the cross by Charles Leclerc, surgical finish!

Lay-off from Rodri to Superman, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. It's all going one way, the pressure is relentless. Intense pressing from the rapper, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team.

Oh no, it's in! Sevilla Olé-Olé punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Heroic low block, every single player at his post. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. LeBron James tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. Short restart from Matvey Safonov to IShowSpeed, building from the back nice and tidy. IShowSpeed keeps it short to Superman, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Matvey Safonov is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Matvey Safonov: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Now here's one for you — Matvey Safonov was reportedly spotted in a Wetherspoons at half seven on a Tuesday morning, nursing a full English and reading the Racing Post. At 192 tall, he says the big breakfast is the only thing that fuels a man his size. And now, our TV game show University Challenge Yourself! To win an umbrella that actually works, text 4012 and answer: 'How many consecutive days of rain does it take for a British person to mention the weather?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Charles Leclerc picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Sublime piece of skill from Lionel Messi, he controls with his back and spins away. The crowd is on its feet. Lionel Messi winds up the right foot and LEEEEETS FLY! On target, heading top bins but the keeper claws it out!

Magnificent reading of the game from Pau Cubarsí, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Pau Cubarsí goes crossfield to Alejandro Balde, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Magnificent tackle from Alejandro Balde! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Alejandro Balde to LeBron James, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Shifting pass from LeBron James to Dean Huijsen, the ball drifts into the free zone and Dean Huijsen is onto it in two strides.

Dean Huijsen sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Dean Huijsen lays it off first time to Rodri, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Superb pass from Rodri into the gap for Michael Jordan, the defender is rooted to the spot. Looping cross from Michael Jordan, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Alejandro Balde. Danger. Alejandro Balde is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Alejandro Balde was barely on his way up.

Well-taken corner from the basketball player but the header is wasted. In that position, delivering crosses of that quality is all you can ask, the rest is down to others. Matvey Safonov plays out from the back with LeBron James, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Overlap from the basketball player with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. The basketball player gets to the byline and floats one in for IShowSpeed. Crossing is his bread and butter.

Charles Leclerc triggers a change of flanks for IShowSpeed, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Cross from IShowSpeed, he puts it on the far post for Charles Leclerc. Charles Leclerc loses the header in the box, the opponent imposed himself physically. Dangerous situation.

Oh dear, Sevilla Olé-Olé have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Matvey Safonov sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Rodri photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Michael Jordan slips Dean Huijsen in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Dean Huijsen sets it for LeBron James, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. LeBron James clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Pau Cubarsí gets across the near post first. Pau Cubarsí launches the ball with his head off the delivery from Lionel Messi, it flies wide. Agonising. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Points shared. Alejandro Balde sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Superman crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Arthur from Stoke-on-Trent says zero consecutive days because a true Brit mentions it before it even starts. Arthur wins the umbrella! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. What a MISSILE from Superman! The strike is so powerful the keeper had no time to dive. GOAL!

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Superman, arms out like an aeroplane. Alejandro Balde follows in like he's skiing. Matvey Safonov arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Michael Jordan with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Phenomenal run from Michael Jordan, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter. Michael Jordan gets into the right angle and finishes with precision! The ball rolls into the goal, GOAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Michael Jordan strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Pau Cubarsí points at it, jaw on the floor. Matvey Safonov shakes his head, not believing it.

They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. OHHH Charles Leclerc strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Rodri rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Pau Cubarsí. The far side is completely deserted. Pau Cubarsí sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level.

We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Great vision from Superman who switches to Pau Cubarsí. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Pau Cubarsí is beaten in the air by his opponent, he could not compete. Pau Cubarsí scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

Launching long balls into the box, it's route one now. Matvey Safonov up with wings on his boots, his team pushing like never before. Pau Cubarsí springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference. Pau Cubarsí delivers a tidy ball to Alejandro Balde, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Pau Cubarsí sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Alejandro Balde sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Pau Cubarsí nods but does not look up. A teammate has confirmed that Michael Jordan watches Bargain Hunt religiously and shouts at the telly when contestants overpay. He once phoned in to complain about a Staffordshire pottery valuation. The man is 63 and fully invested in daytime antiques. And now, our TV game show The Apprentice Plumber! To win a call-out from a plumber within the same calendar year, text 4123 and answer: 'How many cups of tea must you offer a tradesperson before they start working?' Second half underway and Charles Leclerc is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Dean Huijsen heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. One touch football: Dean Huijsen to LeBron James, faster than the opposition can think. LeBron James swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. The basketball player has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy.

It's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Lionel Messi slips IShowSpeed in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. IShowSpeed slips Superman in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Great vision from Superman who finds Michael Jordan in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe. Michael Jordan beats the defender with a double touch, escaping in a tight space. Strong. Short pass from the entrepreneur to Dean Huijsen, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

They've scored again! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein are running riot and we can't cope.

Matvey Safonov runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Alejandro Balde gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

One touch football: Dean Huijsen to LeBron James, faster than the opposition can think. Key pass from LeBron James! It fizzes between the lines and IShowSpeed collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. The rapper lets fly and it's on target! Keeper pushes it for a corner. In that position, having the courage to pull the trigger is what sets you apart.

Disciplined and brave low block, this will take something special to break down. Matvey Safonov sticks the foot out at the right moment and blocks! The ball is neutralised, the keeper is everywhere. Matvey Safonov goes long for Michael Jordan, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Michael Jordan switches the play to Dean Huijsen on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

The formula one driver takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon. PENALTY! The formula one driver is brought down in the box! In that position, when you burst into the area like that and win a penalty, you change the COURSE of the match. DECISIVE moment. PUSHED AWAY! Charles Leclerc's penalty is saved by the keeper who dives the right way. What a moment! Pau Cubarsí launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

1-1. Michael Jordan and Alejandro Balde are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Michael Jordan. "Next time," replies Alejandro Balde. And they vanish into the tunnel. Wayne from Luton says a minimum of four cups of tea and at least one biscuit before any tools come out. Wayne wins the plumber call-out! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-2 (L)

Alejandro Balde launches into a desperate challenge and gets absolutely nothing. Gets up looking sheepish. PENALTY! IShowSpeed is illegally stopped in the box! The defender tripped him, the referee has no doubt. The stadium is THROBBING, this is the moment of truth! IShowSpeed takes responsibility and converts the penalty. Angled strike, the keeper is HUMILIATED. GOAL!

The pile at the corner flag. Alejandro Balde is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Matvey Safonov arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Sideways ball from Superman to Lionel Messi, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Sharp turn from Lionel Messi, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. GOOOOAL! Lionel Messi places it in the far corner, pure art! The keeper had no time to move.

Superman legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Rodri tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

GOAL for London Three-Pints! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Matvey Safonov ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. LeBron James leaps over him. Matvey Safonov walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Charles Leclerc presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Charles Leclerc sends LeBron James into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Superb tackle from the basketball player, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night.

Short free kick, Rodri gives it to Superman who finds himself with space to work with. Superman lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off! The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. LeBron James spreads the play and finds Charles Leclerc in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Alejandro Balde, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Alejandro Balde takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Matvey Safonov is reportedly banned from a laser tag centre in Milton Keynes after taking it 'way too seriously' during a teammate's birthday. The 27-year-old allegedly slide-tackled a twelve-year-old. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' Kick-off! LeBron James wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

GOAL! London Three-Pints have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

The entrepreneur finds Alejandro Balde along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Alejandro Balde changes the point of attack with a raking pass to LeBron James. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Right-footed cross from LeBron James, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Lionel Messi.

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Just wide from LeBron James, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. Matvey Safonov distributes by hand to LeBron James on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. LeBron James hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Pau Cubarsí anticipates the run from Michael Jordan and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Overlap from Michael Jordan on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Michael Jordan whips in a cross at head height, LeBron James anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. LeBron James delivers the corner and it's CARNAGE! The ball won't leave the box, defense finally gets rid!

IShowSpeed fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Pau Cubarsí throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. OH Pau Cubarsí tries an outrageous volley! Body horizontal, foot cracking through... and it goes wide. Gutting. Matvey Safonov sparks the transition with a quick throw to Dean Huijsen, the break is lightning fast.

Textbook low block, the opposition can't find a way through at all. DUEL won by Matvey Safonov! He comes out at the feet, claims the ball, CLEAN and CRISP! Matvey Safonov catapults the ball towards LeBron James from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. LeBron James cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Solo charge from LeBron James, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field.

No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. The cross from IShowSpeed is overhit, the keeper collects comfortably in his area. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Superman picks out LeBron James with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Lovely use of the ball by LeBron James, finding Dean Huijsen in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Points shared with London Three-Pints. Dean Huijsen slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Pau Cubarsí has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.