My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

87-112 (L)

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Over the top of everybody. Derrick Rose to Karl Malone in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Beautiful footwork on that one from Karl Malone, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Up goes the shot from Karl Malone and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Pressure the length of the floor, Justin Sullivan splits one trap but not the second, and the eight count expires two feet short of halfcourt.

Miles Bridges gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Kobe Bryant saw it a beat early. Miles Bridges turns the corner off the screen from Karl Malone, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Karl Malone fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Players head to the locker room. Karl Malone has tape on three fingers. Fun fact: Karl Malone blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. And now, our halftime TV game show Double Dare You! To win a three-pound bag of gas station beef jerky, text HOOPS to 555-0091 and answer this question: 'How many times does a basketball bounce before it forgives you?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

ONIONS from Kobe Bryant! He saw the hit coming and went up into it anyway. Bless him. Kobe Bryant put so much arc on that thing it never came within a foot of the rim.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Kobe Bryant just gift wrapped three free throws on a heat check.

OHHHH the hesi! Kobe Bryant froze him solid and he is already gone! AND ONE! Kobe Bryant finishes THROUGH the contact and the whistle comes with it!

Clean feed from Derrick Rose, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Screened, toasted, done. Miles Bridges is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. AIRBALL! Miles Bridges missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Derrick Rose controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Left, right, gone. Kobe Bryant put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Reverse layup by Kobe Bryant, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the researcher, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. OHHHH the pocket pass! Miles Bridges splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! So close. Kobe Bryant can only stare at the iron.

STOP AND GO! Derrick Rose hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. That is the shot chart lying to you. Derrick Rose did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Justin Sullivan leaves the court at a jog. Miles Bridges stays there, planted at center court, motionless. And here is the answer to our game Double Dare You! Opal Sisk of Nickel Plate, Colorado, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many times does a basketball bounce before it forgives you?' The answer was of course six, and the seventh is only out of politeness. Opal takes home a three-pound bag of gas station beef jerky! Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

117-98 (W)

Push the pace! Derrick Rose grabs it and hits Karl Malone in stride before the defense can even match up. Karl Malone holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Justin Sullivan flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. The researcher just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and Kobe Bryant keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

Kobe Bryant is COOKING and he knows it, he wants every single touch right now! From WAY downtown! Kobe Bryant launched that one from the parking lot!

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Kobe Bryant watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

He tried to rise over Karl Malone. That was a mistake, and the ball is now several rows deep.

Swing, swing, and Derrick Rose finds Kobe Bryant on the wing before the help can even turn its head. One little shoulder dip from Kobe Bryant and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Down, up, and gone for Kobe Bryant. The rim is just toying with him now.

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

End of the second quarter. Kobe Bryant is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Anecdote: Kobe Bryant fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Leg! To win a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing, text HOOPS to 555-0088 and answer this question: 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

The researcher makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Here comes Miles Bridges sprinting off the elbow. Kobe Bryant slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. BANG is what Miles Bridges was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Derrick Rose drops it off to Kobe Bryant on time and on target. Watch the sell from Kobe Bryant here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. No touch. Kobe Bryant left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

No hero ball here: Justin Sullivan takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Watch the change of pace from Kobe Bryant, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Kobe Bryant probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

Chest bump so violent that Kobe Bryant and Karl Malone both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

The defender planted his feet, and Derrick Rose said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Derrick Rose.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Derrick Rose never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is a costly ten seconds for Kobe Bryant. He lost the call, he lost his temper, and the other team gets a point without leaving the huddle. The official turns, the arms go up, the T is signaled, and Kobe Bryant does not even wait for the escort.

Derrick Rose takes it out beyond the arc and just stands there, dribbling, watching the clock melt.

Justin Sullivan hugs the mascot. Derrick Rose hugs the referee. Awkward. And here is the answer to our game Supermarket Sweep the Leg! Junior Pennywhistle of Slab Town, Kentucky, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' The answer was of course eight, and the ninth is a private matter. Junior takes home a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing! Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

97-93 (W)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Karl Malone winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Textbook footwork, textbook release from Derrick Rose, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Miles Bridges treats every miss like it belongs to him. Up over the box out, and Miles Bridges catches it clean and finishes strong through the contact. Somebody just got posterized.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Derrick Rose makes it every single trip down the floor. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Justin Sullivan makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Feet already set, hands already ready. Miles Bridges takes the feed from Justin Sullivan and cashes it.

Two defenders collide on the handoff and Kobe Bryant is gone, so Derrick Rose earned that one even if the box score disagrees. The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. Kobe Bryant had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

Halftime! Justin Sullivan is limping slightly heading off the court. Did you know? Justin Sullivan launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Smell! To win a barbecue apron that reads KISS THE FORKLIFT OPERATOR, text HOOPS to 555-0357 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of orange slices or a pound of team spirit?' The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.

The researcher just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The extra pass! Miles Bridges had the look, gave it up anyway, and Justin Sullivan buries it. BANG! Rim, backboard, none of the above from the researcher! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Hands on hips over there, a clipboard down on the chair, and it is all because of what Miles Bridges just did.

Tipped away by Derrick Rose! Loose ball, scramble, bodies everywhere, and it ends up in our hands. That outlet from Kobe Bryant is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. That is body control you simply cannot coach: Justin Sullivan stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Justin Sullivan finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Derrick Rose photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

Shot is up, Karl Malone loses the wrestling match on the block, and the ball comes down in enemy hands.

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Kobe Bryant pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Kobe Bryant!

Rocking it between his legs at the top of the key, Karl Malone has the defender crouched low and the help one pass away, and this whole gym is holding its breath. Karl Malone pump fakes, gets the defender airborne, and walks right into his chest. Free throws. Karl Malone had ice in his veins for three quarters, but the one that counted got away. Scoreboard does not budge.

Derrick Rose cries tears of joy in Karl Malone's arms. Kobe Bryant is also crying but nobody knows why. And here is the answer to our game Name That Smell! Odell Trippett of Broke Axle, Alaska, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of orange slices or a pound of team spirit?' The answer was of course the orange slices, and it is not close. Odell takes home a barbecue apron that reads KISS THE FORKLIFT OPERATOR! During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

97-117 (L)

Give and go! Justin Sullivan gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, Justin Sullivan panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Philadelphia Injury-Report, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Kobe Bryant launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Derrick Rose stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Gift wrapped by Justin Sullivan, and Derrick Rose cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Kobe Bryant rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and Kobe Bryant rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Break time. Karl Malone bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Did you know? Karl Malone has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase to the Dollar Store! To win a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care, text HOOPS to 555-0225 and answer this question: 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Laser from Justin Sullivan, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Hesitate, GO. Derrick Rose is by that hip before the man even blinks. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Derrick Rose builds the whole thing from nothing. No screen, no help, three points.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

This has turned into a private conversation. Miles Bridges scores, the man across from him scores, run it again.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Philadelphia Injury-Report in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Derrick Rose walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Kobe Bryant comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! The big man never even contested it, and Kobe Bryant still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Miles Bridges did that, and now the loudest twelve people in this arena are all wearing the same uniform he is. OHHHH THE CHASEDOWN! Derrick Rose comes from nowhere and pins it on the glass!

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Derrick Rose the moment he crosses half court. Rim out for Derrick Rose, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Kobe Bryant, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Kobe Bryant has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Derrick Rose grabs him before the ball even crosses half court. Intentional, obvious, and completely necessary.

Kobe Bryant closes his eyes walking out. Miles Bridges keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. And here is the answer to our game The Chase to the Dollar Store! Lurlene Dobbins of Rusty Spoon, New Mexico, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' The answer was of course fifty-one seconds, give or take a conscience. Lurlene takes home a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care! Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

96-97 (L)

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Derrick Rose has known that all night long. Karl Malone attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Kobe Bryant whips the extra pass across the arc, Karl Malone rises without a dribble, and SPLASH.

One little shoulder dip from Derrick Rose and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Derrick Rose, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Kobe Bryant just did it by hitting Miles Bridges on the back side with acres of room. OHHHH that is filthy! Miles Bridges on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Derrick Rose rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Cut! Halftime. Derrick Rose's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Word is Derrick Rose sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. And now, our halftime TV game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! To win a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing, text HOOPS to 555-1207 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Kobe Bryant kicks it over to Karl Malone, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. The defender planted his feet, and Karl Malone said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Karl Malone gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Derrick Rose never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Derrick Rose cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Justin Sullivan just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Derrick Rose half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Getting to his spot and elevating, Derrick Rose puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

SKIP PASS! Kobe Bryant fires it cross court to Karl Malone and the defense is dead in the water! Kobe Bryant eats the contact so Karl Malone can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Prayer from Karl Malone. Not answered.

Ball moves. Justin Sullivan to Miles Bridges, on time and on target. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Miles Bridges did all the dirty work on that one. Pull-up from the elbow by Derrick Rose, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Two defenders watching the ball, and Miles Bridges slips in behind both of them completely unbothered.

Miles Bridges cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Karl Malone joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

The researcher is holding the final possession of a professional basketball game, and this morning he was clocking in like it was any other Tuesday. It caught the front rim, kissed the back iron, took a full lap and fell off. Justin Sullivan is on his knees at half court.

Karl Malone isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Justin Sullivan tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. And here is the answer to our game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! Norma Jean Sprinkle of Butterbean Flats, Alaska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' The answer was of course nine, and the tenth one is purely professional. Norma Jean therefore wins a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing! I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

89-111 (L)

Total control. Derrick Rose has this thing on a string. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Justin Sullivan gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Rises, releases, and Justin Sullivan sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Derrick Rose threw it before the help even committed. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Miles Bridges left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Miles Bridges is walking back with both hands on his head.

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Kobe Bryant breaks a shell down. Down screen, and Justin Sullivan curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. POCKET PASS! Justin Sullivan threads it to Karl Malone between two bodies and the rim is wide open! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Karl Malone scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Karl Malone roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Halftime. Kobe Bryant throws his towel on the floor walking in. Intel: Kobe Bryant refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. And now, our halftime TV game show Beat the Shot Clock! To win a rusted horseshoe signed by a man named Dale, text HOOPS to 555-0533 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of nacho cheese at concession stand altitude?' There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

Court vision like that on the researcher is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. BAAAANG! Miles Bridges drills the three AND gets hammered! The four point play is ON.

Nothing but a nod. Miles Bridges jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Los Angeles Nursing-Home bench looks personally insulted.

Five bodies moving as one, Justin Sullivan barking out every rotation, and there is not a crack anywhere in this thing. Second rejection of the quarter for Miles Bridges, and you can see the shooters hesitating on that wing already.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Miles Bridges slides, closes out, recovers. The ball goes all the way around the perimeter and comes back with nothing. You will never find it in a box score, but Karl Malone just flipped that entire trip down the floor with one hand.

Watch the spacing there, Derrick Rose hits Kobe Bryant right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Kobe Bryant gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Derrick Rose, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Miles Bridges reads it two passes early, steps into the gap and takes away the entire lane before anybody gets there.

OHHHH, what a read by Justin Sullivan! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Oh my. Karl Malone did not even draw iron.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Kobe Bryant stopped the break and started a much bigger problem. Two free throws, the ball right back, and the officials heading to the monitor.

Justin Sullivan stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Derrick Rose comes back to get him. And here is the answer to our game show Beat the Shot Clock! Randall Meeks of Coon Holler Springs, Kentucky, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the boiling point of nacho cheese at concession stand altitude?' The answer was of course that it does not boil, it simply becomes more determined. Randall therefore wins a rusted horseshoe signed by a man named Dale! As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

99-113 (L)

Miles Bridges controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Clean feed from Derrick Rose, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. The researcher just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Justin Sullivan launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Derrick Rose whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the researcher! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

The longer they stay at that monitor, the louder this place gets, and Derrick Rose is refusing to look at the big screen. Super slow motion catches the defender grazing it on the way out, and you could hear the gasp when that angle hit the big screen for Derrick Rose.

Off to the locker room. Derrick Rose has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote: Derrick Rose threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! To win a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning, text HOOPS to 555-0129 and answer this question: 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Derrick Rose already has the defense a full step behind. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Justin Sullivan does. That is what heavy minutes do, Justin Sullivan has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Kobe Bryant threw it before the help even committed. Derrick Rose crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. That is the shot Derrick Rose wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Derrick Rose has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Miles Bridges precisely where the play wanted it. Miles Bridges hands it off to Kobe Bryant, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. BAAAANG! Miles Bridges catches it and lets it FLY, nothing but net from the corner!

Clear path on Karl Malone. Two shots AND the ball. That is the expensive one.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Unselfish basketball. Derrick Rose passes up a good shot and hands Karl Malone a GREAT one. Karl Malone beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Two decoy screens, a flare to the weak side, then Justin Sullivan coming off the second one. That is the whole thing. Look at the spacing here, two shooters lifting to drag the help, and that leaves Kobe Bryant an easy read to Miles Bridges in the pocket. Chess.

Miles Bridges sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Toronto Border-Patrol bench does not find it funny. Kobe Bryant pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Karl Malone claps his hands in frustration. Miles Bridges clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. And here is the answer to our game The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! Homer Blevins of Lost Wallet, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' The answer was of course however the grandmother in row four says it. Homer takes home a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning! Behind the scenes, I learned Miles Bridges was also a researcher in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

85-115 (L)

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Clean feed from Derrick Rose, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Day job, then this: the researcher reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Karl Malone rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

That is a coaching staff completely out of answers. Karl Malone has taken this game over and the only tool left in the box is a stoppage.

Four minutes of chaos, and the only thing that matters tomorrow is that this team just lost Derrick Rose for the night.

Break! Derrick Rose has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. True story: Derrick Rose had his parking spot stolen by Minnesota Ice-Wall's mascot. Still talks about it. And now, our halftime TV game show Guess My Salary Cap! To win a sun visor that says FLORIDA but was manufactured in Indiana, text HOOPS to 555-1136 and answer this question: 'What is the exact salary of a mascot with no contract?' Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.

Kick out to Derrick Rose, one more to Karl Malone, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Karl Malone has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Set called, Karl Malone waved out to the corner, and Derrick Rose watches the spacing open up like a front door. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Karl Malone the moment he crosses half court. Perfect arc. Karl Malone makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

The researcher reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. REJECTED! Justin Sullivan takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Derrick Rose feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. That is the play that breaks a defense. Derrick Rose has turned three straight drives into points and the help is starting to hesitate.

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Derrick Rose drops it off to Justin Sullivan on time and on target. One little shoulder dip from Justin Sullivan and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Karl Malone threads a BEAUTY to Justin Sullivan under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Cross court, on a rope, from the researcher. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Kobe Bryant drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Rising into two defenders, Karl Malone launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

Inbounds pass and Kobe Bryant is on him instantly, two hands on the jersey, whistle. The clock freezes at nineteen point four.

Justin Sullivan closes his eyes walking out. Derrick Rose keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. And here is the answer to our game show Guess My Salary Cap! Marvin Hollopeter of Sandy Britches, New Jersey, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact salary of a mascot with no contract?' The answer was of course free pizza on Thursdays and all the applause he can carry. Marvin therefore wins a sun visor that says FLORIDA but was manufactured in Indiana! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

82-121 (L)

Clean feed from Derrick Rose, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Watch Miles Bridges plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Karl Malone out of that corner in a blink. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Karl Malone!

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Derrick Rose has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Miles Bridges precisely where the play wanted it. The defender crowded the middle, and Miles Bridges punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Miles Bridges gets into the paint, sees the shot blocker rising, and simply lifts it over the top of him. Never had a prayer.

Miles Bridges slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Unsportsmanlike foul on Derrick Rose, and this one costs double.

Break! Derrick Rose has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Rumor has it Derrick Rose tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Seventy-Eight and a Half! To win a hand-crank ice cream maker missing the crank, text HOOPS to 555-0413 and answer this question: 'What is the average lifespan of an ink pen at a bank?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Justin Sullivan just did it by hitting Miles Bridges on the back side with acres of room. That is the third live-ball giveaway of the half, and each one has been the same read: Miles Bridges deciding late and throwing early.

Second pass beats the rotation, Kobe Bryant to Miles Bridges, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. BRICK! Miles Bridges throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

GET THAT OUTTA HERE! Miles Bridges meets that jumper at the top of its flight and spikes it into the sideline.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Derrick Rose launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Karl Malone gives it up to Derrick Rose on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. So close. Derrick Rose can only stare at the iron.

The researcher just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. OHHHH the separation! Karl Malone just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. OHHHHH POSTERIZED! Karl Malone just ENDED that defender at the rim!

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Karl Malone keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Whistle. Moving screen on Miles Bridges, and that one was not even close. Ball goes the other way.

Both coaches are up off the bench pleading while the officials walk the Justin Sullivan sequence back frame by frame. Brutal for the researcher, who owned the shot of a lifetime for about ninety seconds. Back to the day job with nothing but the story.

Derrick Rose takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Kobe Bryant follows the same path. And here is the answer to our game Match Game Seventy-Eight and a Half! Roscoe Tidwell of Frog Level, Alabama, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the average lifespan of an ink pen at a bank?' The answer was of course nine minutes, after which it goes home with a man named Gary. Roscoe takes home a hand-crank ice cream maker missing the crank! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

100-96 (W)

Justin Sullivan launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH the pin-down! Miles Bridges pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Justin Sullivan. Brutal. Two points left on the floor by Miles Bridges, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Derrick Rose drops it off to Kobe Bryant on time and on target. Screened, toasted, done. Kobe Bryant is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Not a hand on him. Kobe Bryant flat missed the bunny.

Karl Malone flies at a jump shooter thirty feet from the rim and lands on his hip. Three shots coming. FOUR on Karl Malone! Grab a towel, that is the bench for a while.

Miles Bridges wanted the contact so badly that he forgot the small detail where your feet have to be planted.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Break! Miles Bridges heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Rumor has it Miles Bridges has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. And now, our halftime TV game show Press Your Luck Harder! To win a bumper sticker collection covering one entire tailgate, text HOOPS to 555-0362 and answer this question: 'In what year was the jump ball invented by accident during a barn raising?' Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.

SKIP PASS! Justin Sullivan fires it cross court to Miles Bridges and the defense is dead in the water! Dribble handoff from Miles Bridges, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Kobe Bryant walk away from it.

Kobe Bryant slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Justin Sullivan threw it before the help even committed. Hard drive, hard stop, and Kobe Bryant retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Watch the feet on Kobe Bryant there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

You can teach a lot of things at this level, but not lateral quickness. Derrick Rose is doing a fine traffic cone impression. The researcher swatted that one off the glass and handed over two free points. Somebody go over the cylinder rule at the next staff meeting.

Karl Malone gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Derrick Rose saw it a beat early. BAAAANG! Karl Malone sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. This building is SHAKING. Miles Bridges just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Miles Bridges does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

The beauty of it is that Derrick Rose never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Kobe Bryant goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Look at that bench, not one man seated. Miles Bridges had this moment circled since the walkthrough, and the shot has not even gone up. Miles Bridges takes the inbound, one dribble left, rises over the closeout, and the horn sounds while the net is still snapping. COUNT IT!

Miles Bridges runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Karl Malone jumps into Miles Bridges's arms without warning. They both go down. And here is the answer to our game show Press Your Luck Harder! Bobbi Sue Yarborough of Sawmill Bottom, Georgia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'In what year was the jump ball invented by accident during a barn raising?' The answer was of course 1871, in a hayloft, by two men arguing about a rooster. Bobbi Sue therefore wins a bumper sticker collection covering one entire tailgate! Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

95-125 (L)

Karl Malone times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Ball into Justin Sullivan at the elbow, Derrick Rose plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Derrick Rose. Cruel.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Derrick Rose launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Karl Malone spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! Karl Malone went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The players disappear. Justin Sullivan has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Anecdote: Justin Sullivan once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. And now, our halftime TV game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! To win a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever, text HOOPS to 555-0876 and answer this question: 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

ISO! Justin Sullivan has him on an island and nobody is coming to save that man. Wasted possession from Justin Sullivan. Charge, dead ball, and the other team walks its offense right back up the floor with a free one.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the researcher, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Down screen, and Kobe Bryant curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Kobe Bryant passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. OHHHH that is SILKY! Kobe Bryant with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Active hands, quiet stat sheet. Derrick Rose has been poking at everything that moves for two straight quarters. Touch pass from Derrick Rose, and Miles Bridges glides in for the finger roll. Filthy.

Kobe Bryant gets his, then has to stand and watch the other side's best player walk down and get his right back. Ruthless exchange.

Derrick Rose kicks it over to Justin Sullivan, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Justin Sullivan makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. The crowd has found its chant, and Derrick Rose is going to be hearing it all night.

Clean block, all ball, no whistle, and Miles Bridges jogs back down the floor like nothing happened.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Derrick Rose has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Karl Malone precisely where the play wanted it. OHHHH the pin-down! Karl Malone pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Miles Bridges. Brutal. Perfect drop-off from Miles Bridges, and Karl Malone answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Derrick Rose's eyes are red, jaw tight. Karl Malone apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. And here is the answer to our game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! Faye Ellen Hocutt of Turnip Hollow, Maryland, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' The answer was of course eleven pounds of fabric and about a hundred pounds of expectation. Faye Ellen therefore wins a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever! Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

98-106 (L)

OHHHH the pin-down! Justin Sullivan pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Kobe Bryant. Brutal. Down, up, and gone for Justin Sullivan. The rim is just toying with him now.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Total control. Derrick Rose has this thing on a string. Derrick Rose sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Miles Bridges lays it right on his hands in traffic! Derrick Rose drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Count it AND the foul! Karl Malone refused to be denied at the rim.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Derrick Rose walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. OHHHH the hesi! Miles Bridges froze him solid and he is already gone! In, around, and gone. The iron gives Miles Bridges nothing.

Time to breathe. Karl Malone has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Bus driver's confession: Karl Malone raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Casserole! To win a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others, text HOOPS to 555-0177 and answer this question: 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Derrick Rose has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Kobe Bryant precisely where the play wanted it. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Kobe Bryant pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Up goes the shot from Kobe Bryant and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Screened, toasted, done. Kobe Bryant is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. That is a dime from Karl Malone that deserved so much better, and Kobe Bryant knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands. The researcher outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. Rebounding is effort, and effort is apparently what the researcher does for a living. Second chance points, all guts.

A cut with that timing from the researcher? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Third one of these from Justin Sullivan this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Derrick Rose and Karl Malone just played basketball and the defense got shredded. You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and Derrick Rose has earned every second of that reaction.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Laser from Kobe Bryant, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The extra pass! Karl Malone had the look, gave it up anyway, and Derrick Rose buries it. BANG! Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Derrick Rose, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Derrick Rose has all the room in the world. So close. Derrick Rose can only stare at the iron.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Derrick Rose controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. From WAY downtown off the pop! Miles Bridges with the extra pass and CASH. Pull-up from the elbow by Kobe Bryant, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Miles Bridges takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Justin Sullivan doesn't drink. Throat too tight. And here is the answer to our game Name That Casserole! Bobbie Jo Tatum of Mule Shoe Flats, Texas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' The answer was of course the seagull, even nine hundred miles inland. Bobbie Jo takes home a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

98-106 (L)

Karl Malone rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead. He stays out there with five, which tells you how much this coach trusts Karl Malone and how little he trusts anybody else.

Kobe Bryant launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Kick out to Derrick Rose, one more to Justin Sullivan, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Catch, rise, splash. The researcher owns the cleanest jumper on this floor and still has a shift to work in the morning.

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Justin Sullivan keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Kobe Bryant threw it before the help even committed. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Kobe Bryant is gone, so Miles Bridges earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Getting to his spot and elevating, Kobe Bryant puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Break! Justin Sullivan heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Did you know Justin Sullivan started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. And now, our halftime TV game show Scrabble But With Numbers! To win a stack of forty three unread warranty cards, text HOOPS to 555-0736 and answer this question: 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Kobe Bryant gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Long and gone. Kobe Bryant floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Over the top of everybody. Derrick Rose to Justin Sullivan in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Justin Sullivan, and not one single soul could do anything about it. They do not teach that footwork anymore, and yet here is Justin Sullivan running a full masterclass on the low block.

Nothing but a nod. Justin Sullivan jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Boston Ring-Chasers bench looks personally insulted.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

SPIN and GO! Derrick Rose pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Derrick Rose had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Derrick Rose comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Derrick Rose drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Derrick Rose gives it up to Miles Bridges on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Oh, that is rough. Miles Bridges killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

Total control. Derrick Rose has this thing on a string. OHHHH the pin-down! Karl Malone pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Derrick Rose. Brutal. Karl Malone gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Kobe Bryant just did it by hitting Miles Bridges on the back side with acres of room. Textbook two-man game: Miles Bridges keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Justin Sullivan rolls into an open runway. Fifth possession this half where Justin Sullivan has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Derrick Rose mutters 'damn' under his breath. Kobe Bryant says 'yeah' in the same tone. And here is the answer to our game show Scrabble But With Numbers! Nadine Frankenberry of Pothole Junction, Iowa, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' The answer was of course one, and it is invisible, and it is a seven. Nadine therefore wins a stack of forty three unread warranty cards! I learned that Derrick Rose's father was a researcher. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

83-110 (L)

He had a clear runway, he had two steps of daylight, and Kobe Bryant took it all away anyway. The pass is the play here. Kobe Bryant never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. Derrick Rose attacks the paint, absorbs the bump, twists his body all the way around the defender and reverses it in. FILTHY.

Two defenders, one gap, and Kobe Bryant finds it. Onions on that pass. Blocked into the floor. Derrick Rose will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Throwing a shoulder into the defender like he is boarding a crowded train, Karl Malone gets whistled for contact he never needed.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Back to the locker room. Derrick Rose's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. I've been told Derrick Rose once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. And now, our halftime TV game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! To win a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn, text HOOPS to 555-0629 and answer this question: 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

Derrick Rose pushes it in transition, pulls up from the elbow, cash. That is a 10-0 run and the visitors have not scored in three minutes. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Karl Malone again, and the visiting coach is SPRINTING at the official for a timeout!

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Justin Sullivan kicks it over to Kobe Bryant, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. This is the counter: Kobe Bryant punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Shot clock at one, and Karl Malone just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Justin Sullivan makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Buzzer on the shot clock, Kobe Bryant heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

WALLED OFF! Karl Malone slides over and the paint is CLOSED for business.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Derrick Rose controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Justin Sullivan, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Justin Sullivan launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Look at that bench! Karl Malone just lit the fuse!

Kobe Bryant drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. OHHHH, Karl Malone from WAY downtown off the catch! The defense rotated a half second late and paid full price.

Karl Malone runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Justin Sullivan bites his lip, fists clenched. Derrick Rose shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. And here is the answer to our game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! Junior Applewhite of Gravy Bend, South Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' The answer was of course always 4:17, a time that has never done anybody any good. Junior therefore wins a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn! My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

82-116 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Miles Bridges rips it out of the air and we are off.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Justin Sullivan just did it by hitting Miles Bridges on the back side with acres of room. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Miles Bridges, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Pull-up from the elbow by Miles Bridges, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

The shooter saw Karl Malone rising into his eyeline, rushed the release, and caught nothing but the side of the rim. Turn it over against this team and Justin Sullivan is gone the second the ball changes hands. Those transition points keep stacking up.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Justin Sullivan never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Break! Derrick Rose takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Little scoop: Derrick Rose tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. And now, our halftime TV game show Win, Lose, or Shrug! To win a giant novelty check made out for two dollars, text HOOPS to 555-0075 and answer this question: 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Derrick Rose retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Fifth possession this half where Derrick Rose has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Right through the window. Justin Sullivan to Derrick Rose on the roll, and the help was a half step late. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Derrick Rose. Cruel.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

A single dribble is all Kobe Bryant needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Kobe Bryant blows the wide open layup!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Kobe Bryant kicks it over to Miles Bridges, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. OHHHH the pin-down! Miles Bridges pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Justin Sullivan. Brutal. That is what heavy minutes do, Miles Bridges has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Kobe Bryant, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Kobe Bryant he is on the wrong end of it.

Shot clock violation! Justin Sullivan owns the nail, the middle is a no fly zone, and that possession just expired in their hands.

First option: Miles Bridges. Everything else on that clipboard is decoration. That is the third time out of a timeout tonight that Justin Sullivan has gotten a look this clean. The whiteboard is undefeated.

Kobe Bryant watches the crowd file out in silence. Karl Malone prefers not to look. And here is the answer to our game Win, Lose, or Shrug! Maxine Skaggs of Bitter Root Draw, New Jersey, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' The answer was of course two, always the same two, and one of them is sky. Maxine takes home a giant novelty check made out for two dollars! During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.