My dream soccer team — football_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Lionel Messi's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Carlos Bocanegra! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Lionel Messi climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Carlos Bocanegra films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Willian Pacho intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Bebeto put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Pau Cubarsí jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Vozinha parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Pau Cubarsí launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Winston Bogarde throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Winston Bogarde to Bebeto, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Bebeto sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Bebeto fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Alessandro Nesta throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Alessandro Nesta, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Vozinha sparks the transition with a quick throw to Bebeto, the break is lightning fast. Bebeto launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Bebeto was flying. Lightning overlap from Bebeto, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Bebeto, Carlos Bocanegra receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Vozinha palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Vozinha has covered seven kilometres already." Alessandro Nesta shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Vozinha fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Vozinha is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 189, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Vozinha comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Ali Dia goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Vozinha parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Willian Pacho clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Javi Gracia with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Javi Gracia to Lionel Messi, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Vozinha getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Pau Cubarsí wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Winston Bogarde. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Pau Cubarsí links up with Ali Dia, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Alessandro Nesta is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Javi Gracia clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Pau Cubarsí! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Bebeto curls a cross to the near post, Javi Gracia is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Vozinha slides on his knees across the wet turf, Winston Bogarde piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Alessandro Nesta winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Alessandro Nesta does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Carlos Bocanegra launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Vozinha arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Bebeto sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Bebeto dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Javi Gracia arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Javi Gracia places his header from the cross by Lionel Messi, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Willian Pacho sends an aerial beauty to Carlos Bocanegra, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Ali Dia, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Carlos Bocanegra is there to gobble it up. Carlos Bocanegra drifts just offside as Ali Dia plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Pau Cubarsí to Willian Pacho, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Alessandro Nesta threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Carlos Bocanegra bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Carlos Bocanegra! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Carlos Bocanegra takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Javi Gracia is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Winston Bogarde, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Winston Bogarde adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 56, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Ali Dia jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Javi Gracia, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Javi Gracia, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Folarin Balogun to Javi Gracia, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Javi Gracia, Carlos Bocanegra receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Carlos Bocanegra! The goal was empty, Pau Cubarsí puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Pau Cubarsí slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Pau Cubarsí slides a beauty through the gap, Carlos Bocanegra is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Carlos Bocanegra goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Vozinha runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Willian Pacho joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Pau Cubarsí puts Carlos Bocanegra into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Carlos Bocanegra wants to find Alessandro Nesta between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Bebeto to Carlos Bocanegra, they bypass the wall with the combination. Carlos Bocanegra shifts it to Ali Dia with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Javi Gracia exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Vozinha just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Vozinha legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Bebeto tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Bebeto presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Bebeto, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Bebeto! On the inswinging cross from Carlos Bocanegra, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Bebeto right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Pau Cubarsí tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Vozinha has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Javi Gracia, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Javi Gracia! It fizzes between the lines and Winston Bogarde collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Winston Bogarde sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Javi Gracia rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Pau Cubarsí jumps on his back, Vozinha is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Vozinha points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Pau Cubarsí comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Lionel Messi places it inside the post from the cross by Bebeto, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Lionel Messi mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Alessandro Nesta plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Vozinha plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Alessandro Nesta is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Lionel Messi adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Javi Gracia sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 56, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Alessandro Nesta high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Bebeto, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Carlos Bocanegra. Carlos Bocanegra crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Willian Pacho in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Bebeto, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Bebeto pretends to strike and lays it off to Carlos Bocanegra, well worked short free kick. Carlos Bocanegra takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Carlos Bocanegra! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Willian Pacho on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Willian Pacho picks out Winston Bogarde with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Winston Bogarde eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Winston Bogarde pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Winston Bogarde finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Winston Bogarde, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Winston Bogarde opens up to Javi Gracia on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Javi Gracia there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Ali Dia, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Vozinha grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Javi Gracia is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Willian Pacho and Lionel Messi, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Lionel Messi spots the gap and sends Bebeto into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Bebeto sets it for Willian Pacho, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Willian Pacho slips Winston Bogarde in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Javi Gracia lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Winston Bogarde down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Winston Bogarde was beyond the last man when Willian Pacho released the pass. Ali Dia scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Alessandro Nesta grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Carlos Bocanegra pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Vozinha to Willian Pacho, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Willian Pacho to the near post and wins the header. Willian Pacho was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Pau Cubarsí! Sumptuous header on the cross from Lionel Messi, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Vozinha stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Winston Bogarde comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Carlos Bocanegra reads the movement from Bebeto and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Bebeto! On the gift from Lionel Messi, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Carlos Bocanegra stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Javi Gracia follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Vozinha plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Bebeto shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Carlos Bocanegra. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Carlos Bocanegra looks for Willian Pacho but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Folarin Balogun hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Folarin Balogun loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Carlos Bocanegra is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Ali Dia and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Vozinha owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 189, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Javi Gracia leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Folarin Balogun launches it to Bebeto on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Willian Pacho! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Carlos Bocanegra is away on his own. That is velvet. Carlos Bocanegra bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Ali Dia triggers a change of flanks for Carlos Bocanegra, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Carlos Bocanegra, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Ali Dia, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Alessandro Nesta played as a cross, Bebeto positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Bebeto, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Vozinha! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Lionel Messi to Folarin Balogun, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Folarin Balogun spreads the play and finds Alessandro Nesta in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Alessandro Nesta plays it simple to Carlos Bocanegra, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Carlos Bocanegra puts it right into the feet of Lionel Messi, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Alessandro Nesta spreads it to Winston Bogarde, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Winston Bogarde tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Winston Bogarde, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Vozinha launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Willian Pacho after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Willian Pacho to Lionel Messi, faster than the opposition can think. Lionel Messi gifts Javi Gracia a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Willian Pacho and Alessandro Nesta do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Willian Pacho turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Lionel Messi, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Lionel Messi! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Lionel Messi sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Lionel Messi legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Ali Dia tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Carlos Bocanegra finds the gap and serves Ali Dia in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Ali Dia, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Bebeto does not fancy the shot and goes short to Willian Pacho, trying to disorganise the defence. Willian Pacho beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Willian Pacho rolls it to Lionel Messi, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Lionel Messi and Folarin Balogun blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Vozinha eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Carlos Bocanegra pulls Vozinha away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Alessandro Nesta takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Alessandro Nesta over the entire defence, Javi Gracia finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Vozinha! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Vozinha to Willian Pacho, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Winston Bogarde wants to push higher. Lionel Messi reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Lionel Messi, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Winston Bogarde, standing at 190, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Alessandro Nesta is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Alessandro Nesta delivers a tidy ball to Ali Dia, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Ali Dia that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Winston Bogarde sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Pau Cubarsí absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Lionel Messi into Winston Bogarde, right into the boots. No waste. Winston Bogarde turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Pau Cubarsí. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Pau Cubarsí! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Bebeto is beside himself. Tidy restart from Vozinha along the deck to Winston Bogarde, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Winston Bogarde shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Carlos Bocanegra chips his cross over the back line, Willian Pacho is at the far post, free as a bird. Willian Pacho goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Ali Dia finds Willian Pacho between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Willian Pacho switches the play to Winston Bogarde on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Winston Bogarde dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Winston Bogarde goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Carlos Bocanegra, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Carlos Bocanegra shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Carlos Bocanegra... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Vozinha eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Carlos Bocanegra pulls Vozinha away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Javi Gracia. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Lionel Messi! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Lionel Messi takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Ali Dia follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Lionel Messi plays the simple ball to Pau Cubarsí, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Pau Cubarsí pulls it back along the ground for Lionel Messi, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for Lionel Messi! On the genius pass from Alessandro Nesta, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Lionel Messi climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Ali Dia films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from Bebeto followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Bebeto treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Bebeto stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Alessandro Nesta comes over and hugs him without a word.

Alessandro Nesta delivers an inswinging free kick, Lionel Messi at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Lionel Messi, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Carlos Bocanegra hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Winston Bogarde wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from Javi Gracia! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from Javi Gracia to Bebeto, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from Bebeto, Alessandro Nesta had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Ali Dia gives it to Folarin Balogun into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for Folarin Balogun, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Vozinha winces. Willian Pacho looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Bebeto once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 62-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Alessandro Nesta sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Pau Cubarsí produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Bebeto powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Bebeto floats a cross in from the wing for Willian Pacho, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Folarin Balogun changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Javi Gracia. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from Javi Gracia who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Alessandro Nesta picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Alessandro Nesta delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Carlos Bocanegra hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Vozinha throws it out quickly to Lionel Messi, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from Lionel Messi to Bebeto, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from Bebeto who crosses to the near post for Javi Gracia. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Vozinha runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Ali Dia joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Carlos Bocanegra is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Pau Cubarsí heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Pau Cubarsí looks up and launches a long pass towards Winston Bogarde. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from Winston Bogarde to Carlos Bocanegra, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from Carlos Bocanegra, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. Lionel Messi and Carlos Bocanegra are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Lionel Messi. "Next time," replies Carlos Bocanegra. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Lionel Messi tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Lionel Messi follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Bebeto! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Lionel Messi fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Folarin Balogun plays the medic running in. Vozinha plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Javi Gracia sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from Javi Gracia, threading it through for Bebeto, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for Bebeto! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Pau Cubarsí with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Pau Cubarsí, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Pau Cubarsí! On the pass from Bebeto, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Pau Cubarsí spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Ali Dia gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Alessandro Nesta into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Willian Pacho, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Ali Dia drops a lofted ball to Bebeto, it sails over the entire midfield line. Bebeto lofts a cross into the box, Ali Dia is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Ali Dia rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls Folarin Balogun aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 25 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Folarin Balogun just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that Lionel Messi, standing 169, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Folarin Balogun sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Vozinha fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Ali Dia plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Javi Gracia refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. Javi Gracia commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Javi Gracia picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. Javi Gracia tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from Carlos Bocanegra comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by Javi Gracia in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Bebeto puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Bebeto reaches the byline and cuts it back for Ali Dia arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Vozinha dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from Javi Gracia! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from Javi Gracia, the ball skims the grass and finds Willian Pacho who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Willian Pacho rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Vozinha distributes short to Carlos Bocanegra, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from Carlos Bocanegra to Javi Gracia, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Javi Gracia drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Alessandro Nesta is a dangerous one, Lionel Messi meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Lionel Messi loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Vozinha! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Vozinha walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Javi Gracia follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Willian Pacho rips through the defensive curtain, Javi Gracia is flying into the space like an arrow. Javi Gracia looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Willian Pacho mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Alessandro Nesta raises Willian Pacho's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Vozinha plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Willian Pacho clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by Carlos Bocanegra, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from Folarin Balogun on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Folarin Balogun dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. Folarin Balogun booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. Folarin Balogun plays a low free kick into the box, Carlos Bocanegra cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Vozinha hoofs it forward towards Ali Dia, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Ali Dia, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Pau Cubarsí brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Pau Cubarsí, he puts it on the far post for Willian Pacho. Willian Pacho tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Vozinha is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Pau Cubarsí! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Pau Cubarsí slides it to Willian Pacho, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Carlos Bocanegra is biting {his} nails in the corner. Vozinha stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Willian Pacho once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 25-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Lionel Messi leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Winston Bogarde lays it off first time to Carlos Bocanegra, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Carlos Bocanegra keeps it short to Bebeto, no frills, just good football intelligence. Bebeto takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Bebeto tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Folarin Balogun's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Winston Bogarde boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Winston Bogarde launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Winston Bogarde, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Ali Dia tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Pau Cubarsí sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Alessandro Nesta bounces off Winston Bogarde, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Alessandro Nesta and the entire defence is eliminated, Carlos Bocanegra is through on goal. The space is enormous. Carlos Bocanegra is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Javi Gracia is shaking his head. Short distribution from Vozinha to Alessandro Nesta, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Alessandro Nesta, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Javi Gracia reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Javi Gracia to Ali Dia, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Ali Dia looks for Lionel Messi with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Ali Dia kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Winston Bogarde does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Vozinha kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Carlos Bocanegra takes a knee behind him. Vozinha raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between Javi Gracia and Lionel Messi, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from Javi Gracia! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Javi Gracia legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Lionel Messi tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Willian Pacho and Folarin Balogun, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from Folarin Balogun, Bebeto arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Bebeto winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Willian Pacho strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Ali Dia points at it, jaw on the floor. Vozinha shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from Lionel Messi, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by Lionel Messi, finding Folarin Balogun in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from Folarin Balogun to Carlos Bocanegra, the ball drifts into the free zone and Carlos Bocanegra is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Javi Gracia, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Javi Gracia takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — Folarin Balogun got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 25 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Winston Bogarde is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from Bebeto down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Bebeto looks up and swings in a floated cross, Ali Dia rises among the defenders. Cross from Ali Dia far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Carlos Bocanegra on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from Carlos Bocanegra for Pau Cubarsí in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Pau Cubarsí unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from Bebeto! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Lionel Messi picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Lionel Messi thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Pau Cubarsí's pass. Vozinha goes long for Winston Bogarde, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Winston Bogarde sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from Folarin Balogun is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from Ali Dia to Pau Cubarsí, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Pau Cubarsí with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Pau Cubarsí fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from Ali Dia, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Javi Gracia sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Lionel Messi is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Lionel Messi is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Javi Gracia's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Javi Gracia feeds Winston Bogarde in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from Folarin Balogun, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Folarin Balogun shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Vozinha distributes by hand to Ali Dia on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Ali Dia wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Carlos Bocanegra pings a long diagonal to Winston Bogarde, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from Winston Bogarde! Willian Pacho picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Willian Pacho takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Willian Pacho, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Carlos Bocanegra.

Points shared. Alessandro Nesta sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Bebeto crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Willian Pacho! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! Carlos Bocanegra onto the pass from Ali Dia produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Willian Pacho runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Alessandro Nesta gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Alessandro Nesta, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! Ali Dia turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Vozinha, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Ali Dia. Aerial duel lost by Ali Dia, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Vozinha stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from Folarin Balogun, header from Ali Dia at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

Carlos Bocanegra pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW Carlos Bocanegra launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Bebeto's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from Lionel Messi who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Vozinha is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Javi Gracia, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — Folarin Balogun once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 25 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Lionel Messi wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Javi Gracia launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Willian Pacho! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Willian Pacho, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from Javi Gracia there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Lionel Messi tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Folarin Balogun gives it to Alessandro Nesta who returns it first time, Folarin Balogun ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Folarin Balogun accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by Folarin Balogun in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Folarin Balogun combines with Bebeto from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Vozinha and Pau Cubarsí do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Vozinha arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Folarin Balogun plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for Folarin Balogun. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by Folarin Balogun, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Alessandro Nesta is lurking. Aerial duel won by Alessandro Nesta in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Vozinha rolls it short to Folarin Balogun into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Folarin Balogun finds Lionel Messi on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Lionel Messi delivers a tidy ball to Ali Dia, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! Folarin Balogun walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Pau Cubarsí carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

Powerful run from Ali Dia, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch. PENALTY! Ali Dia is illegally stopped in the box! The defender tripped him, the referee has no doubt. The stadium is THROBBING, this is the moment of truth! GOOOAL! Ali Dia produces an audacious PANENKA! The ball lobs the keeper and trickles in. What NERVE!

Ali Dia points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Vozinha comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Javi Gracia plays it in, Carlos Bocanegra lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Javi Gracia is off again. Magnificent. Perfect low cut-back from Javi Gracia, the ball slides across the box and Willian Pacho just has to finish. WHAT A STOP from Vozinha! The attacker did everything right but the keeper pulled off the impossible. Vozinha opts for the short option to Bebeto, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Bebeto floats a ball towards Folarin Balogun but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat.

Javi Gracia links up with Bebeto, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Bebeto steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. The ref shows Bebeto yellow. Four fouls in twenty minutes, the card was overdue. Bebeto has a go from the free kick but the wall repels it. That's that. Panicked clearance from Lionel Messi, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

The press from Ali Dia pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Ali Dia pounces. A forced gift. Telepathic pass from Ali Dia to Willian Pacho, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Wasteful from Willian Pacho on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Pau Cubarsí throws his arms up in frustration. Huge interception from Alessandro Nesta! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Alessandro Nesta boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

Winston Bogarde goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Winston Bogarde goes crossfield to Folarin Balogun, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Carlos Bocanegra stares at the floor. Javi Gracia cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. Teammates were gobsmacked when Folarin Balogun revealed a hidden talent for competitive darts. At 25, the lad can hit triple-twenty blindfolded after three pints — Phil Taylor is shaking in his boots. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4321 and answer this question: 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Willian Pacho leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

It's there! Istanbul Cehennem FK hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Raw emotion: Vozinha cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Willian Pacho crouches beside him and speaks softly. Vozinha jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Bebeto unleashes a raking ball out to Winston Bogarde, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Winston Bogarde weights his pass into the space for Folarin Balogun who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Folarin Balogun is caught offside from Lionel Messi's through ball. Flag goes up straight away. Vozinha plays it short to Folarin Balogun, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Folarin Balogun gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side.

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. Vozinha closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Long ball from Vozinha for Lionel Messi who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

The free kick from Carlos Bocanegra clears the defence and finds Ali Dia in the danger area. Ali Dia tries to whip one in but it is cleared by a defender who read it all the way. Tough luck.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Vozinha runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Folarin Balogun gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Short build-up from Ali Dia to Alessandro Nesta, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Alessandro Nesta plays off Folarin Balogun, the return arrives right down the middle and Alessandro Nesta is free as a bird. Offside against Alessandro Nesta. Ali Dia spotted the run but the timing was just off. Vozinha takes his time and plays it short to Bebeto. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. What positioning from Bebeto! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts.

Long kick from Vozinha, Winston Bogarde positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Brilliant switch of play from Winston Bogarde! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Pau Cubarsí. Pau Cubarsí releases Javi Gracia with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Javi Gracia plays it back across the box for Bebeto, the low cross is inch-perfect. Bebeto puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Vozinha stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Javi Gracia walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Istanbul Cehennem FK are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?'. The answer was of course 12 mph, though nobody has ever managed more than 3. Maureen wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-1 (W)

Burst of pace from Alessandro Nesta on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Alessandro Nesta pulls it back to the penalty spot for Carlos Bocanegra, the defence is caught napping. Carlos Bocanegra touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

Alessandro Nesta scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Folarin Balogun is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Alessandro Nesta powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. PENALTY awarded! Alessandro Nesta enters the box with the ball and the defender catches him with a late tackle. The referee is CERTAIN. Every heart in the stadium is RACING! GOOOOL from Alessandro Nesta! Penalty struck with cannonball power, the keeper is frozen. GOAL!

Alessandro Nesta mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Ali Dia plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Vozinha plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

GOAL for Milano Piano-Piano! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Massive punt from Vozinha, sends the ball sixty yards, Ali Dia is scrapping for it up top. Ali Dia rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Winston Bogarde. The far side is completely deserted. Winston Bogarde rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over.

Absolute PANDEMONIUM after Carlos Bocanegra's corner! Three shots blocked, the defense is under siege! Big clearance from Willian Pacho under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box.

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. Ali Dia stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. Carlos Bocanegra bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. A scouting report from Pau Cubarsí's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 19 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Bake Off the Rails! To win a soggy bottom certificate signed by Paul Hollywood, text 3412 and answer: 'What temperature should you bake a Victoria sponge if your oven only has two settings: warm and volcanic?' Out they come. Ali Dia has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Bebeto to Lionel Messi, instant return, and Bebeto is already three yards further on. The one-two has popped the lock. Bebeto picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Failed dribble from Bebeto, the ball stays at the defender's feet. Poor decision. What a tackle by Carlos Bocanegra! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Instinctive clearance from Carlos Bocanegra who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

Lionel Messi skins the defender with a quick shimmy, the opponent will not see the ball again. VAR would have a field day with that. Lionel Messi clearly dives, no contact whatsoever. Booking for Lionel Messi, cheats never prosper and the ref has made that crystal clear. The wall repels Lionel Messi's free kick! Well organised, well jumped, well defended. Lionel Messi puts an inswinger in, a defender at the near post does the business and clears.

Individual run from Lionel Messi, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. Lionel Messi tries a nutmeg but the defender closes his legs. It has not worked, the ball is gone. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down.

Javi Gracia cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Javi Gracia boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

That's a beauty from Willian Pacho! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Surging run from Willian Pacho from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Willian Pacho tries a step-over but the defender is not buying it and wins the ball. Interception from Bebeto who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Bebeto.

That's what it MEANS! Winston Bogarde rips off his shirt and whips it around his head, sprinting toward the corner flag. Vozinha catches up and they collide in a mess of limbs and pure joy. The gaffer's fist-pumping on the touchline. Milano Piano-Piano are done. Absolutely done. Doris from Bakewell says volcanic obviously and Paul Hollywood gave her an approving nod through the telly. Soggy bottom certificate is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

What a disaster! Sevilla Olé-Olé score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Alessandro Nesta does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. Alessandro Nesta embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. The LOB! The LOOOB! Alessandro Nesta chips the ball and lobs the keeper with a DIVINE touch! The ball makes a perfect arc and settles into the goal. SUMPTUOUS!

Solidarity move: Alessandro Nesta grabs Carlos Bocanegra who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Carlos Bocanegra a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Pau Cubarsí thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Vozinha plays it along the ground to Javi Gracia, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Javi Gracia takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air. Burst of speed from Javi Gracia, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

What a mess after Alessandro Nesta's corner! The keeper flaps, the ball drops, a defender scrambles it away! Lifesaving clearance from Lionel Messi! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. They're cranking it up a gear, the pressure is well and truly on.

Lionel Messi swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Ali Dia, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Ali Dia burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Silly ball loss from Ali Dia, the dribble was one too many in that area. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Lionel Messi, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Lionel Messi takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Unconfirmed reports suggest Winston Bogarde received a lifetime ban from a Wetherspoons in Croydon after an incident involving a quiz machine and a pint of Doom Bar. The 56-year-old denies everything. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Vozinha is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

High recovery from Bebeto, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Bebeto bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. CRAAACKER from Bebeto outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... Vozinha lumps it long towards Pau Cubarsí, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

Folarin Balogun nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. Bebeto overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly.

Killer ball from Winston Bogarde through the gap! Alessandro Nesta bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Alessandro Nesta picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off. Vozinha boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Folarin Balogun! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Folarin Balogun slips Alessandro Nesta in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Alessandro Nesta gives the defender not a single second on the ball and wins possession. Pressing is a state of mind, and Alessandro Nesta has it running through his veins.

Vozinha fires it out quickly by hand to Javi Gracia, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Incredible burst of pace from Javi Gracia, he eats up the ground in just a few strides.

Great vision from Alessandro Nesta who switches to Pau Cubarsí. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Pau Cubarsí goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Overlap from Pau Cubarsí on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Pull-back from Pau Cubarsí along the ground, Winston Bogarde is in position in the area. Clean as you like. Winston Bogarde fires with his left but the defender intervenes and deflects the shot. The defence holds.

Lovely use of the ball by Folarin Balogun, finding Alessandro Nesta in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Alessandro Nesta delivers a tidy ball to Ali Dia, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Nutmeg from Ali Dia, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that. Ali Dia tries one trick too many and loses the ball cheaply. The defender barely had to try.

A draw — that grey zone. Javi Gracia signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Winston Bogarde adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

Oh no, it's in! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Oh what a challenge! Pau Cubarsí goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. Ali Dia chips the ball OVER the keeper! GOAL! That is the PERFECT touch, the PERFECT timing, the PERFECT trajectory. You cannot do it better, that is GENIUS!

Pau Cubarsí runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Ali Dia gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Vozinha smashes a volley towards Winston Bogarde, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Crossfield pass from Winston Bogarde to Carlos Bocanegra, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Carlos Bocanegra wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs.

Inch-perfect tackle by Willian Pacho, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Willian Pacho throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Winston Bogarde is outmuscled in the air by his direct opponent, he did not have the spring to match him. Lovely claim from Vozinha! He comes through traffic and gathers without flinching. Top class goalkeeping. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end.

Folarin Balogun decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path. Folarin Balogun loses the ball on the dribble, too greedy in that situation. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire.

Winston Bogarde sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Pau Cubarsí sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Winston Bogarde nods but does not look up. The 40-year-old Vozinha reportedly starts every morning by staring out the window with a brew for exactly eleven minutes in complete silence. At 189, the silhouette alone is enough to terrify the postman. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Leave the Roundabout! To win a sat nav that actually understands the Swindon magic roundabout, text 5789 and answer: 'How many times must you go around a roundabout before you are legally allowed to give up and go home?' Second half underway and Javi Gracia is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Javi Gracia reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Javi Gracia was quicker. Javi Gracia spots Carlos Bocanegra in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Masterful aerial duel from Carlos Bocanegra, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Carlos Bocanegra is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Carlos Bocanegra was barely on his way up.

Enormous run from Pau Cubarsí to get back! Cuts across the attacker's path and blocks the shot. Heroic. Pau Cubarsí brings down the attacker to kill the counter. Cynical, but effective. Pau Cubarsí is cautioned for a deliberate trip on the counter-attack. Cold-blooded decision. The wall stops Pau Cubarsí's free kick! The defenders didn't budge, solid as a rock. Willian Pacho floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear.

Magnificent tackle from Javi Gracia! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Javi Gracia gives it to Carlos Bocanegra into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Carlos Bocanegra charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Short build-up from Carlos Bocanegra to Willian Pacho, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Massive clearance from Winston Bogarde in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Pau Cubarsí spreads it to Lionel Messi, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Lionel Messi clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul.

Ali Dia sends Folarin Balogun into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. OHHH Folarin Balogun strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Folarin Balogun fires the ball over to Lionel Messi with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Lionel Messi launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Winston Bogarde, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Dominant header from Winston Bogarde on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Winston Bogarde plays it simple to Carlos Bocanegra, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Points shared. Javi Gracia sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Pau Cubarsí crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Norman from Swindon says three full rotations is the legal maximum and after that you must simply accept your fate. Sat nav for Norman! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-3 (L)

GOAAAL for London Three-Pints! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Vozinha slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Willian Pacho photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Winston Bogarde clatters into the opponent to stop a three-on-two. Pragmatic to the core. Yellow card for Winston Bogarde, he clipped the heels of the attacker in full stride. Pure gamesmanship. Winston Bogarde curls his free kick, the wall jumps but the ball goes past, the keeper is stunned!

Brilliant interception from Javi Gracia, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Javi Gracia drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Carlos Bocanegra read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. GOOOOAL! Carlos Bocanegra was lurking in the right place, he toes it in past the keeper.

Javi Gracia dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Winston Bogarde can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Vozinha claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

It's hit the back of the net! London Three-Pints lead and we look completely lost.

Free kick from Bebeto, he puts a whipped ball into the box and Javi Gracia is onto it! Javi Gracia launches the ball with his head off the delivery from Bebeto, it flies wide. Agonising. Pau Cubarsí clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Ali Dia beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Winston Bogarde grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Lionel Messi is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. Now Bebeto — bless him — once showed up to pre-season training with a sunburn so severe he looked like a Drumstick lolly. Spent one afternoon in Margate without suncream. At 174, there's a lot of surface area to burn, in fairness. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' And the second half is go! Vozinha charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Bebeto nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy. The attacker is scythed down by Bebeto. A wild, reckless challenge that could end a career. Bebeto is cautioned for dangerous play. That high foot endangered everyone around him. Short free kick, Bebeto to Pau Cubarsí, tactical combination to unlock the defence. Smooth transition from Pau Cubarsí to Ali Dia, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Sideways ball from Willian Pacho to Winston Bogarde, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. The squeeze is on, they've got the opposition pinned in their own box.

Javi Gracia plays it simple to Willian Pacho, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Backpass from Willian Pacho goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it. Willian Pacho senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Willian Pacho delivers a tidy ball to Javi Gracia, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Lay-off from Javi Gracia to Ali Dia, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Pau Cubarsí with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Pau Cubarsí spreads it to Bebeto, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Bebeto to Alessandro Nesta, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Alessandro Nesta gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Lionel Messi. Lionel Messi tries to cross but it is deflected behind for a corner by the defender.

It's a goal! London Three-Pints go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Vozinha is at the centre, lifted up by Alessandro Nesta and Vozinha, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Vozinha finds Alessandro Nesta with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Alessandro Nesta sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Winston Bogarde. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Superb leap from Winston Bogarde who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below.

Javi Gracia with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Solo raid from Javi Gracia from inside his own half, he beats everyone. That is unbelievable. Smart pass from Javi Gracia into the hole for Alessandro Nesta, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football.

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Strike from Alessandro Nesta that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game.

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Vozinha shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Ali Dia is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'