My dream soccer team — football_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

2-2 (L)

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Crucial intervention from the basketball player, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Victor Wembanyama lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Stephen Curry down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. GOOOOOAL! Stephen Curry places it inside the post from the cross by LeBron James, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

IShowSpeed delivers from the byline, LeBron James is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. GOAL from the basketball player with a scissor kick! In that position, that kind of acrobatic goal is what makes people REMEMBER you. Perfect overhead, top corner, standing ovation. MASTERFUL!

IShowSpeed stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Charles Leclerc comes over and hugs him without a word.

Full-on press, even the keeper is being chased in his own box. Monster press from Ferran Torres! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe. He shapes up, he shoots... WHAT A HIT from Ferran Torres! On target but the keeper palms it onto the bar!

Michael B. Jordan cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Michael B. Jordan triggers a change of flanks for Charles Leclerc, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Header lost by Charles Leclerc, the opponent took the elevator while Charles Leclerc stayed on the ground floor. Spider-Man repels the attempt with a reflex save! Clinical, clean, absolutely enormous.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Spider-Man, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Spider-Man takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. A scouting report from Spider-Man's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 28 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' The second period begins and Virgil van Dijk launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Quick throw from Spider-Man to LeBron James out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. LeBron James beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. LeBron James picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train.

And there it is, Paris Saint-Glinglin score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Spider-Man unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Virgil van Dijk makes a heart sign with his hands. Spider-Man finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat. IShowSpeed shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Massive punt from Spider-Man, sends the ball sixty yards, Lionel Messi is scrapping for it up top. Lightning overlap from Lionel Messi, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides.

Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Charles Leclerc drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Victor Wembanyama read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one.

They push, they push, but the backline is holding firm for now. Driven cross from Lionel Messi into the box, Virgil van Dijk arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. Virgil van Dijk crosses into thin air, nobody at the end of it. That is a waste of possession. Lionel Messi absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Overlap from Ferran Torres on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Ferran Torres slides the ball across the ground in the box, Michael B. Jordan arrives for the finish. Michael B. Jordan just had to stick a foot out, open goal, inch-perfect service from Ferran Torres... and he puts it anywhere but the net. Devastating.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Virgil van Dijk shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. IShowSpeed goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-2 (L)

Stephen Curry overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Stephen Curry lobs the defence with a silky chipped cross, Rodri brings it down on his chest. Magnificent. Rodri lets his AERIAL GAME do the talking! On the cross from Stephen Curry, he scores with his head with crazy authority. GOAL!

Perfect back flip from Stephen Curry right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Victor Wembanyama tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Spider-Man has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

What a mess! México No-Era-Penal capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Dead defender. Spider-Man mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Ferran Torres completes the choreography by collapsing. Spider-Man arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Ferran Torres flies into the ball carrier and forces the mistake. Ball won back in the opposition half, that is exactly the plan. Ferran Torres embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. Ferran Torres executes a SURGICAL lob! The keeper came out to meet him and Ferran Torres punishes him by chipping the ball just over. That is ICE COLD composure, GOAL!

Oh it's gone in! México No-Era-Penal find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Ball in behind from the film producer, Virgil van Dijk is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Virgil van Dijk breaks through but the flag is already up. Michael B. Jordan's ball came just too late. Long ball from Spider-Man for Michael B. Jordan who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Michael B. Jordan with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff.

Tactical debate in the corner. LeBron James wants to push higher. Victor Wembanyama reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Victor Wembanyama, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Here's one that'll make you smile — Michael B. Jordan spent three hundred quid at a Blackpool arcade trying to win a stuffed monkey from a claw machine. Didn't get it. Went back the next day with another fifty. Still didn't get it. He's 39 and absolutely committed. And now, our TV game show Bargain Blitz! To win a lifetime supply of Marmite, text 0800TOAST and answer: 'How many jars of Marmite does it take to fill the Channel Tunnel?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Ferran Torres comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Big clearance from Charles Leclerc under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. A real crescendo is building here, the noise levels are climbing. IShowSpeed fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Lionel Messi throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box.

Crossfield pass from Lionel Messi to Rodri, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Rodri crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. Almighty boot from Rodri who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Header lost for LeBron James, his opponent beat him to it and won the duel with authority.

That's a beauty from Michael B. Jordan! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. The basketball player unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon. Stephen Curry puts in a nice corner but it is headed away at the near post by an opponent.

Lionel Messi keeps it short to Charles Leclerc, no frills, just good football intelligence. Pass into no-man's land from Charles Leclerc, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. LeBron James with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy.

Cross from the rapper deflected by the defender. It is part of the game, sometimes the defence does its job well. Catastrophic corner from Charles Leclerc, straight into a goal kick, the crowd groans.

The film producer plays it simple to IShowSpeed, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Little shift from Rodri to Virgil van Dijk, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Burst of speed from Virgil van Dijk, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

Enormous clearance from Michael B. Jordan inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Victor Wembanyama loses the header against the towering forward. The size difference told the story. What a claim from Spider-Man! He gathers the ball in both hands above the heads of the attackers. Beautiful. Short restart from the superhero to IShowSpeed, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Commanding header from IShowSpeed who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but IShowSpeed did not budge an inch.

Level. Lionel Messi picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. IShowSpeed waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. Mrs. Brenda Thistlethwaite from Wolverhampton says forty-seven thousand, and frankly we couldn't be bothered to check, so she wins the Marmite! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

Disaster! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Spider-Man mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Lionel Messi plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Spider-Man applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

The rapper lays it off first time to Michael B. Jordan, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Michael B. Jordan puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like. GOOOAL from the film producer! Toed in to the empty net. In that position, knowing how to be in the right place at the right time is what scores you 20 a season.

IShowSpeed mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Virgil van Dijk raises IShowSpeed's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Spider-Man plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Virgil van Dijk blocks the run of the opponent, uses the body well but the ref says no. The free kick from Virgil van Dijk is floated in, IShowSpeed makes his run to the back post. GOOOOOAL! IShowSpeed climbs higher than anyone on the pass from Ferran Torres and powers an UNSTOPPABLE header!

It's a goal for Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Ferran Torres puts everything into that strike, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is unbeatable today. The corner from Ferran Torres is immediately cleared at the near post, the defence is alert. Well spotted by Lionel Messi who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Lionel Messi plays the simple ball to Michael B. Jordan, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Virgil van Dijk reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Charles Leclerc cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Local pub quiz teams live in fear of Spider-Man, whose knowledge of 90s one-hit wonders is described as encyclopaedic. The 28-year-old has been asked to stop attending because nobody else can win. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1066 and answer this question: 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?' They are back. Charles Leclerc salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Short pass from the basketball player to LeBron James, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. LeBron James shifts it wide to Lionel Messi on the right, lovely ball into the space. Lionel Messi strays offside by half a boot on Ferran Torres's pass, brutal decision! Play has stopped, the referee is heading to the pitchside screen. This could change everything. VAR denies the film producer! At that position, a ruled-out goal can knock the stuffing out of a player for the rest of the match.

Good ball from the rapper to Lionel Messi, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Body feint from Lionel Messi, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker. Trip by Lionel Messi, the opponent goes tumbling. Standard free kick. Lionel Messi goes into the book after catching the opponent late and high. Lionel Messi takes his free kick and the wall does its job. Blocked, no worries.

LeBron James gives it quickly to Stephen Curry on the short corner, they want to catch the defense off guard. The basketball player pulls it back along the ground for Michael B. Jordan. The low cut-back is his trademark. The film producer blazes it over with the goal wide open! Lionel Messi had given him everything. In that position, a miss like that can cost you the match and your confidence. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop.

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Victor Wembanyama wants to find Rodri between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted. Clinical interception from LeBron James, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. LeBron James goes crossfield to Charles Leclerc, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. The superhero dives at the ball and wins the duel. In that position, when you have that bravery, you are a true number one. Virgil van Dijk heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Ferran Torres intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar.

Cross from the right by IShowSpeed, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Victor Wembanyama at the back post. The basketball player tries to cross but it is blocked. In that position, you know not every ball is getting through. The corner from Victor Wembanyama comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post. Ferran Torres intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

Rodri sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Rodri lays it off for Virgil van Dijk in the box, the ball arrives in perfect tempo. Virgil van Dijk has bottled it completely after that gift from Michael B. Jordan! Goal gaping and he has fluffed it. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded.

Level at the final whistle. Ferran Torres and Victor Wembanyama walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?'. The answer was of course a sort of disappointed beige. Trevor wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Victor Wembanyama finds the gap and serves Rodri in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. OOOOH the POACHER'S goal from Rodri! The keeper spilled, he was THERE, he poked it in. GOAL!

Victor Wembanyama climbs onto Virgil van Dijk's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Spider-Man circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

They jump on every pass, the intensity is absolutely frightening. Bad pass from the film producer, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. LeBron James slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Charles Leclerc. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Overlap from Lionel Messi on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed.

Wall pass between the formula one driver and Lionel Messi, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. Nutmeg from Charles Leclerc on the defender, the humiliation is absolute. Charles Leclerc lays it off first time to IShowSpeed, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. IShowSpeed bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Charles Leclerc climbs above everyone on the corner from LeBron James but his header is too wide. The rapper hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Michael B. Jordan swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Victor Wembanyama, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision.

Spider-Man rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Victor Wembanyama glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Teammates say Virgil van Dijk has an uncanny ability to find the nearest Greggs within thirty seconds of arriving in any city. It's like a sixth sense. At 195, he's essentially a sausage-roll-seeking missile in football boots. And now, our TV game show Total Wipeout at the Buffet! To win an all-you-can-eat carvery voucher for the whole family, text 0800ROAST and answer: 'What is the maximum number of Yorkshire puddings one person can fit on a single plate?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Ferran Torres leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Superb defensive work from Virgil van Dijk there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lay-off from Virgil van Dijk to LeBron James, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Sharp turn from LeBron James, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. Free kick to the opponents. LeBron James caught his man with a stray leg. Yellow card for LeBron James. Been nibbling at opponents all game, the ref has had his fill.

The ball from IShowSpeed rips through the defensive curtain, Stephen Curry is flying into the space like an arrow. Stephen Curry thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on LeBron James's pass. Spider-Man plays it short to Ferran Torres, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Ferran Torres dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution.

Raking ball from the rapper to Stephen Curry, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Ball over the top from Virgil van Dijk, Victor Wembanyama had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. The basketball player accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

And it's a goal! Dakar Teranga FC punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Three-man routine: Spider-Man, Rodri and Spider-Man do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Victor Wembanyama turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for IShowSpeed. The defence did not even have time to blink. IShowSpeed strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl. The superhero goes long for Rodri, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

Driven kick from Spider-Man to LeBron James, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Aerial duel lost by LeBron James, he is beaten to the punch by the attacker. The ball flies over his head. Spectacular dive from the superhero! When you have a keeper who flies through the air like that, you know your team is protected. Corner from IShowSpeed, Charles Leclerc takes off and heads it but it is too high. Not coming down.

Level at the final whistle. Rodri and LeBron James walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. Gary from Sheffield says seven Yorkshire puddings is the absolute minimum and anyone who says fewer is not to be trusted. Carvery voucher for Gary! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-1 (W)

Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. What PRESENCE from Ferran Torres in the box! He toes the ball into the net. PURE OPPORTUNIST'S GOAL!

Virgil van Dijk feeds Michael B. Jordan in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Michael B. Jordan drills a low ball back for Ferran Torres, the kind of delivery that keepers absolutely dread. Ferran Torres aims like a surgeon on the cross from Lionel Messi! Placed finish, the keeper has no chance, GOOOOAL!

The timing is everything: Stephen Curry releases the ball at the perfect moment and Ferran Torres explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. BY A WHISKER! Ferran Torres fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Ferran Torres pings a ridiculous diagonal to Stephen Curry. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Lionel Messi pings a long diagonal to LeBron James, completely shifts the point of attack. LeBron James wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Victor Wembanyama. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. One touch football: LeBron James to Michael B. Jordan, faster than the opposition can think.

Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. Ferran Torres fires wide, not far from the post though! Spider-Man distributes by hand to Charles Leclerc on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Stephen Curry is leaning back with {his} feet up, 188 cm of pure relaxation. Rodri is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A plumber was called to Spider-Man's house after the 28-year-old attempted to fix a leaky tap and somehow flooded the entire kitchen. The bill came to more than the original tap was worth — by roughly four grand. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6767 and answer this question: 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?' Spider-Man leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

It's there! Douala Makossa-Corner tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Michael B. Jordan goes to ground and takes the opponent with him. Free kick, nothing more. Michael B. Jordan sees yellow for persistent infringement. He pushed the referee too far. Michael B. Jordan tries to beat the wall from the free kick but it's blocked. Shame. Spider-Man catapults the ball towards Virgil van Dijk from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot.

Ferocious press from Ferran Torres! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Ferran Torres sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Just wide from Ferran Torres, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. Spider-Man hoofs it forward towards Lionel Messi, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

Both teams want the win, no calculation left, just pure football. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Ground pass from Stephen Curry into the free zone for IShowSpeed, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post.

The formula one driver slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Brilliant switch of play from Charles Leclerc! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Virgil van Dijk.

Everyone is sprinting, even the subs are banging on the hoardings. The superhero Spider-Man arrives in the box, head high, still believing. Lionel Messi launches the ball with his head off the delivery from LeBron James, it flies wide. Agonising. Spider-Man goes long for Rodri, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

It's all over and it's OURS! IShowSpeed leads the squad on a lap of honour, clapping every section of the ground. Charles Leclerc picks up a scarf thrown from the stands and wears it like a medal. The stewards have given up trying to keep order. Beautiful chaos. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?'. The answer was of course a Frustration of Caravans, not to be confused with a Despair of Tractors. Valerie wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Rodri takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Rodri plays it back for Stephen Curry in the box, the defence is all over the place. The basketball player places his shot to perfection on the cross from Ferran Torres, GOOOOAL! In that position, that finesse in the foot is pure gold.

Three-man routine: Rodri, Lionel Messi and Spider-Man do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Beautiful distribution from Spider-Man to LeBron James, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The basketball player misplaces his pass to Victor Wembanyama, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Ferran Torres puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Stephen Curry catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable.

The formula one driver positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Charles Leclerc opens up to Ferran Torres on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Ferran Torres burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Ferran Torres puts way too much on his cross, it sails over everyone's head. Lionel Messi boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

The basketball player cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Stephen Curry. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Shot from Stephen Curry, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. Clearance from the superhero towards Michael B. Jordan, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. The film producer finds Ferran Torres along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Ferran Torres wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

It's in the back of the net! Lagos No-Carry-Last celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Spider-Man stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Lagos No-Carry-Last. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. LeBron James cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. A completely made-up study from the University of Wolverhampton claims Ferran Torres's left foot generates more power than a Ford Transit. At 184 and 26 years old, the data is apparently 'peer-reviewed by Dave from accounts.' And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 1122 and answer this question: 'What is the postcode for existential dread?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. IShowSpeed comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Virgil van Dijk thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Lionel Messi steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Massive clearance from Lionel Messi, just get the ball as far away as possible. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat.

Lionel Messi tries the downward header on the corner from Rodri but it goes wide. Wrong angle. Spider-Man takes his time and plays it short to Rodri. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Rodri explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Rodri whips in a cross at head height, LeBron James anticipates and gets ahead of his marker.

The basketball player reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Lionel Messi sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level.

Michael B. Jordan plays it into the channel for LeBron James, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Spider-Man comes out at the attacker's feet and makes himself huge! Spider-Man plays out from the back with Michael B. Jordan, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Lionel Messi picks out Ferran Torres with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Ferran Torres fires a low ball back across the box for Charles Leclerc, the defence is caught wrong-footed. What a SAAAAAVE from Spider-Man! The striker thought he had scored but NO! The keeper had other ideas!

Free kick from LeBron James, he puts a whipped ball into the box and IShowSpeed is onto it! IShowSpeed crosses from the right but the defender blocks it with his shins. It is not getting through.

Shared match. LeBron James walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Rodri does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Clive Fogsworth, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the postcode for existential dread?'. The answer was of course SL1 1AA, which is technically in Slough, and that explains everything. Clive wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-2 (L)

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. IShowSpeed spots the gap and sends Michael B. Jordan into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. GOOOOAL! Michael B. Jordan aims like a top finisher. The keeper was on the line but the ball went past him, in the net!

Fresh air tackle from the basketball player, left on the deck while the attacker runs off. In that role, timing is absolutely everything. The rapper is illegally stopped in the box, PENALTY! In that position, when you force the defender into a foul inside the 18-yard box, you take the match by the SCRUFF. Moment of TRUTH! GOOOOOAL! IShowSpeed takes his penalty with incredible CONFIDENCE. The keeper had no chance!

LeBron James points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Ferran Torres comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

GOAAAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Spider-Man dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Stephen Curry can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Spider-Man claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Spider-Man lumps it long towards Stephen Curry, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Stephen Curry slides it to Charles Leclerc, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Quick dribble from Charles Leclerc, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated.

Lionel Messi finds LeBron James dropping back on the short corner, a well-worked combination kicking in. Good cross from the basketball player for Rodri in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Cross out of reach from Rodri, Michael B. Jordan cannot do a thing, it is too high. Spider-Man rolls it short to Stephen Curry into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Enormous leap from the basketball player who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy.

Spider-Man stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Barranquilla Toque-Toque. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Rodri cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Bit of a scoop for you — Spider-Man plays Sunday league football under a fake name during the off-season. Goes by 'Dave from Accounts' and plays centre-mid for the Dog and Duck. At 28, the man just loves the game. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' Back on the pitch and LeBron James is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Corner from Lionel Messi, Charles Leclerc heads it with a diving effort but it goes over the bar. Shame. Tidy restart from Spider-Man along the deck to Virgil van Dijk, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Virgil van Dijk hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Virgil van Dijk bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Rodri wins the aerial battle.

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Ferran Torres slides a beauty through the gap, Lionel Messi is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Lionel Messi charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Lionel Messi chips a cross over everyone, IShowSpeed finds himself alone behind the defence. IShowSpeed powers his header, the ball rockets over the crossbar. It was that close.

It was bound to happen. Barranquilla Toque-Toque score and honestly, we deserved that.

Spider-Man stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Stephen Curry comes over and hugs him without a word.

Massive diagonal from Virgil van Dijk! Rodri receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Rodri puts the ball right into the mixer, Charles Leclerc arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. Charles Leclerc attempts a cross for Lionel Messi but the defender intervenes and deflects it behind. Emergency clearance from the film producer, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines.

Pass into space from Virgil van Dijk for Ferran Torres, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. Ferran Torres gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Ferran Torres beautifully lobs the defence with a chipped cross, Virgil van Dijk is there to finish. Aerial claim from the superhero, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear. Spider-Man sparks the transition with a quick throw to Lionel Messi, the break is lightning fast.

Charles Leclerc throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Stephen Curry puts Michael B. Jordan into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. Brilliant cut-back from Michael B. Jordan along the grass for IShowSpeed. That is an absolute peach of a ball.

Magnificent reading of the game from Charles Leclerc, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Blistering run from Rodri on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up.

Level. Spider-Man picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Rodri waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-1 (W)

Spider-Man sends an absolute rocket towards Rodri, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Enormous leap from Rodri who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. BOOOM the header from Rodri! On the cross from LeBron James, he produces a FURIOUS header that ends in the net. GOAL!

Spider-Man fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Ferran Torres plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. GOOOAL! Lionel Messi follows up the strike from Ferran Torres and toes it in at the back post! POACHER'S goal!

Lionel Messi dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Decisive glance from Victor Wembanyama who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Good ball from Victor Wembanyama to Virgil van Dijk, playing it quick between the lines. Virgil van Dijk strings together a double stepover and leaves the defender for dead. Sublime skill. Inch-perfect cross from Virgil van Dijk, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Michael B. Jordan at the back post. Header from Michael B. Jordan, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork.

Victor Wembanyama hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. The basketball player switches the play to Lionel Messi, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Lionel Messi sends in a classic cross, it arrives on LeBron James in the thick of it. Aerial duel lost by the basketball player, outmuscled by the attacker. It happens to the best, but in that role you need to bounce back fast. Spider-Man leaps, catches, lands. All flowing, all controlled. The keeper is in AUTHORITY mode.

The referee's earpiece is buzzing, VAR has spotted something. Hearts are in mouths. The basketball player sees his yellow become red after VAR! In this position, a poorly controlled challenge can change everything. Stephen Curry has snapped! He's grabbed the opponent by the throat. The ref has no choice. Red card. Stephen Curry gives it to Michael B. Jordan from the free kick, little dummy to create the angle.

The gaffer walks in, points at the lads, and simply says: "That is exactly what I asked for. Keep it up." Rodri nods, ice pack on the knee, cool as you like. Charles Leclerc is already talking about where they are going for dinner. Nando's gets three votes. The chippy gets five. Democracy in action. Absolutely classic — Rodri was once the star attraction at a village boot sale in Suffolk, selling his nan's ornamental plates. Raised forty-seven quid and a tin of Quality Street. The man is a national treasure at 30 years old. And now, our TV game show Richard and Judy's Revenge! To win a book club pick nobody actually read, text 4789 and answer: 'What percentage of book club members actually finish the book?' And the second half is go! IShowSpeed charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Rodri goes in recklessly on the attacker, studs showing! The referee blows immediately. The cameras roll, VAR zooms in, the referee hesitates. This is excruciating. The video shows a much worse offence, Rodri is sent off by VAR! The referee shows red immediately! Rodri went in like a maniac, studs showing, waist high. Rodri whips the free kick into the box for Lionel Messi, dangerous delivery!

The film producer shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Victor Wembanyama. Pure quality, as per usual. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Virgil van Dijk anticipates the run from Rodri and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Burst of pace from Rodri on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed.

They've scored again! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa are running riot and we can't cope.

Full moonwalk from Spider-Man, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Ferran Torres does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Spider-Man applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Panicked clearance from Virgil van Dijk, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Rodri brings the opponent down with a cynical challenge. Nothing malicious, just effective. Short free kick, Rodri gives it to Ferran Torres who finds himself with space to work with. SHOOOOT from Ferran Torres... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

Ferran Torres decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path. Ferran Torres misjudges his tackle completely and catches the attacker full force on the calf. Yellow card for Ferran Torres, jumped into the challenge knee-first. Dangerous and dirty. Free kick stopped! Ferran Torres shoots but the defensive wall does its job. Well defended.

Momentum is a funny thing in football, and it's firmly in their corner. They push up as a unit, the opposition can't string two passes together. Rodri presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Step-overs from Rodri, the defender has lost the ball completely.

It's all over and it's OURS! Spider-Man leads the squad on a lap of honour, clapping every section of the ground. Rodri picks up a scarf thrown from the stands and wears it like a medal. The stewards have given up trying to keep order. Beautiful chaos. Christine from Eastbourne says roughly twelve percent finish the book and the rest just say it was quite good actually. Book club pick for Christine! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-0 (W)

Michael B. Jordan delivers a tidy ball to Victor Wembanyama, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Delicious through ball from Victor Wembanyama, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Michael B. Jordan is there to gobble it up. OHHH the GOAL from Michael B. Jordan! On the gift from IShowSpeed, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Michael B. Jordan unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. LeBron James makes a heart sign with his hands. Spider-Man finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Compact, solid low block, the opposition doesn't know where to play. Spider-Man turns himself into a wall! He comes out, narrows the angle and smothers the lot. The keeper is IMPASSABLE. Instinctive clearance from Virgil van Dijk who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

Through ball from the basketball player for Rodri, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. The flag is up! Rodri offside by a whisker on Victor Wembanyama's pass. That's cruel that is. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment.

Massive clearance from the basketball player under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. The rapper whips in a classic cross for Michael B. Jordan in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. IShowSpeed spreads it to Victor Wembanyama, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. The basketball player takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon. Short build-up from Victor Wembanyama to LeBron James, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Virgil van Dijk is chatting with Charles Leclerc about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." You'll love this — Spider-Man, all 178 of him, has an irrational fear of roundabouts. Not on the pitch, mind you — actual road roundabouts. His teammate has to drive him to training because the Magic Roundabout in Swindon gave him nightmares. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3344 and answer this question: 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?' Kick-off! Lionel Messi wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Spider-Man distributes short to Charles Leclerc, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Charles Leclerc gives it to Ferran Torres into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Ferran Torres scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment.

Foul by Victor Wembanyama in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. The referee books Victor Wembanyama for persistent complaints. That was coming a mile off. Victor Wembanyama nudges the ball to IShowSpeed from the free kick, the wall has been beaten by guile. IShowSpeed curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close!

Firm pass from Charles Leclerc into LeBron James, right into the boots. No waste. WHAT A SHAME for LeBron James! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Switch from Rodri! The ball arcs over the midfield and Ferran Torres collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

Intelligent short corner from Rodri to Virgil van Dijk, they refuse the aerial cross. Virgil van Dijk to Charles Leclerc, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Charles Leclerc links up with Rodri, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Rodri looks up and launches a long pass towards Stephen Curry. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. LeBron James rolls it to Virgil van Dijk, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Virgil van Dijk squares it back for Michael B. Jordan, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Job done. IShowSpeed and Spider-Man stroll off arm in arm, grinning like Cheshire cats. The lads in the tunnel are already blasting music — sounds like someone's brought a speaker size of a fridge. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío's lot are filing out quietly. Not their night. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?'. The answer was of course 347, though episode 212 did feature a man who nearly smiled at a vase. Shirley wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-1 (L)

Ferran Torres puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Ferran Torres receives the ball in the box, the defender arrives late and brings him down! PENALTY! The referee points to the spot, this is a decision that could change EVERYTHING! Penalty from Ferran Torres! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

Three-man routine: Ferran Torres, Michael B. Jordan and Spider-Man do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Granite block, the opposition breaks its teeth on it. IMPECCABLE aerial command from Spider-Man! He clears house, the ball is in his gloves. Spider-Man fires it out quickly by hand to Michael B. Jordan, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Michael B. Jordan sends an aerial beauty to Stephen Curry, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

The basketball player pulls the attacker's shirt, referee blows without hesitation. Booking for Stephen Curry. He took one for the team, fouling early to prevent the overload. Stephen Curry sends an inswinging free kick in, Lionel Messi rises for the header at the far post. Lionel Messi sends a powerful header on the cross from Rodri but it flies over. The whole stadium thought it was in. Short distribution from Spider-Man to Stephen Curry, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

Victor Wembanyama reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Long ball from Victor Wembanyama to Stephen Curry, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. The basketball player gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Lay-off from Virgil van Dijk to IShowSpeed out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails.

Charles Leclerc plays it simple to Michael B. Jordan, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Pull-back from Michael B. Jordan along the ground, LeBron James is in position in the area. Clean as you like.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Spider-Man stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." We're told that Charles Leclerc once auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing during the off-season. Didn't make it past the first round, but Craig Revel Horwood apparently said his footwork was 'not entirely dreadful,' which is high praise from that man. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3344 and answer this question: 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?' Here come the lads. Victor Wembanyama jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

The free kick from Lionel Messi is sent to the near post, Charles Leclerc rushes in to meet it. Masterful aerial duel from Charles Leclerc, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Charles Leclerc clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival.

Rodri whips in the corner, it's a MELEE in there! The ball bounces everywhere, defense holds on! Emergency clearance from Michael B. Jordan, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast.

The opposition piles forward but the block is impenetrable. Enormous anticipation from Virgil van Dijk who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric!

Oh no, it's in! Rio Malandro FC punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Spider-Man and IShowSpeed do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Spider-Man arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Lionel Messi and Charles Leclerc find each other blindfolded, instant one-two, the channel is open. Flag up! Lionel Messi was beyond the last man when Michael B. Jordan released the pass. Long kick from Spider-Man, Michael B. Jordan positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Michael B. Jordan shifts it to Ferran Torres with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Lionel Messi launches it to LeBron James on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. LeBron James is outmuscled in the air by his direct opponent, he did not have the spring to match him. Lionel Messi clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

Stalemate at home. Michael B. Jordan and LeBron James embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?'. The answer was of course 347, though episode 212 did feature a man who nearly smiled at a vase. Shirley wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Ball into space from the basketball player for LeBron James, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. LeBron James gets into the right angle and finishes with precision! The ball rolls into the goal, GOAL!

Smooth transition from Stephen Curry to LeBron James, no delay, the game keeps flowing. LeBron James lets rip and it SHAAAVES the woodwork! Inches from a goal, so unlucky. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. With one swing of the boot, Lionel Messi finds Stephen Curry on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

GOAL for Istanbul Cehennem FK! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. Rodri winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up.

Charles Leclerc goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Acceleration from Rodri down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Rodri's eyes are bloodshot. Spider-Man looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." A former teammate has revealed that Virgil van Dijk once refused to come out for the second half because his lucky socks had a hole in them. The kitman had to stitch them up at halftime. At 195, you'd think he'd have bigger concerns, but apparently not. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 6161 and answer this question: 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Victor Wembanyama picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

It's in! Istanbul Cehennem FK take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

The superhero throws it out to IShowSpeed, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Superb diagonal from the rapper to Stephen Curry, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Stephen Curry wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs.

Corner cleared, the rapper finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. Massive clearance from Rodri in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Monster clearance from Spider-Man, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Michael B. Jordan.

Rapid combination: LeBron James to IShowSpeed, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Body feint from the rapper, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. The rapper winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. Spider-Man finds Lionel Messi with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

The superhero finds Virgil van Dijk with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Virgil van Dijk spots LeBron James in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Clean lay-off from the basketball player to Charles Leclerc into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. Perfect low cut-back from Charles Leclerc, the ball slides across the box and Virgil van Dijk just has to finish. What a block! Virgil van Dijk slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest.

Great overlap from Lionel Messi down the flank, pinpoint cross for Rodri in the area. This is the moment. Rodri throws himself into the air for the volley, it's sublime but it finishes over the bar. Spider-Man plays it along the ground to Michael B. Jordan, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. Line-breaking pass from IShowSpeed! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Lionel Messi picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Lionel Messi unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. Spider-Man opts for the short option to Rodri, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

A loss that will linger. IShowSpeed drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. LeBron James texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?'. The answer was of course a fried egg and half a sausage, obviously. Trevor wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-2 (L)

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Virgil van Dijk to Victor Wembanyama, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Victor Wembanyama drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches LeBron James. The basketball player scores an own goal! Nooooo! In that position, this is the kind of thing that destroys your confidence for WEEKS. He tried to anticipate, he ended up beating his own keeper.

Full moonwalk from Virgil van Dijk, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Victor Wembanyama does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Spider-Man applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Ferran Torres winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Ferran Torres. Lionel Messi is on his knees clapping, Spider-Man is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

What positioning from Charles Leclerc! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Huge interception from Virgil van Dijk! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Sideways ball from Virgil van Dijk to Ferran Torres, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Ferran Torres unleashes a raking ball out to Charles Leclerc, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Charles Leclerc puts it right into the feet of Lionel Messi, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Individual run from Rodri, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. Rodri opens up the space for Virgil van Dijk with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. Linesman's flag is up immediately. Virgil van Dijk was a good metre off on Michael B. Jordan's pass.

Ferran Torres stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Milano Piano-Piano. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Spider-Man cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Here's one for the ages — LeBron James is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 206, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' And we are back underway! Virgil van Dijk jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Milano Piano-Piano score right on the stroke of half-time.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Spider-Man. Michael B. Jordan is on his knees clapping, Spider-Man is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. Backpass from Lionel Messi goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it. Interception from Stephen Curry right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds.

Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. Lionel Messi tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Wing switch from Ferran Torres, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and LeBron James brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. The basketball player butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre.

70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that. Wide from the basketball player! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Charles Leclerc changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Victor Wembanyama. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Victor Wembanyama threads a ball into the void for IShowSpeed, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous.

LeBron James takes his corner to the near post but a defender is there to cut it out. Victor Wembanyama boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Diagonal from IShowSpeed to Michael B. Jordan, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

GOAAAL! Milano Piano-Piano score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. Strike from Stephen Curry that goes into the birds. That is light years away from the frame. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever.

Level. Charles Leclerc picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Virgil van Dijk waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

Attempted tackle from Rodri but he's eating dirt while the attacker waltzes into the box. Stephen Curry storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. GOAL for Stephen Curry! Penalty sent into the TOP CORNER, the keeper was glued to his line. SUMPTUOUS!

Rodri mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. LeBron James plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Spider-Man applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Non-stop press, the opposition are on their knees. Michael B. Jordan intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Michael B. Jordan fires the ball over to Lionel Messi with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Lionel Messi with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one!

A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Effort from Rodri, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Change of flanks from Michael B. Jordan, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Victor Wembanyama. Victor Wembanyama tries to pick out Lionel Messi on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed.

A team possessed now, everything is clicking into place. Stephen Curry hits it first time but the defender reads the trajectory and blocks. Smart defending. Stephen Curry crosses towards Lionel Messi but the defender reads the flight and deflects it away. Charles Leclerc boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

The basketball player plays it simple to Michael B. Jordan, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Key pass from Michael B. Jordan! It fizzes between the lines and LeBron James collects on the run, the defence is left for dead.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, LeBron James. And you, Rodri. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Despite the wages, Spider-Man insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 28 and 178, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show The Apprentice Plumber! To win a call-out from a plumber within the same calendar year, text 4123 and answer: 'How many cups of tea must you offer a tradesperson before they start working?' Michael B. Jordan trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Charles Leclerc produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Charles Leclerc slips LeBron James in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Great vision from LeBron James who switches to Charles Leclerc. The defence pivots, but they are too late.

IShowSpeed meets the corner from Rodri with a header, it drifts wide of the post. LeBron James hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. The basketball player finds Lionel Messi along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Lionel Messi finds IShowSpeed between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

They've scored! Sevilla Olé-Olé find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

The film producer boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. The superhero throws it out to Stephen Curry, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Absolutely immense from Stephen Curry! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back.

The basketball player opens up to Michael B. Jordan on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Michael B. Jordan nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy.

Level score. Spider-Man screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Ferran Torres boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Wayne from Luton says a minimum of four cups of tea and at least one biscuit before any tools come out. Wayne wins the plumber call-out! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

The basketball player puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. BOOOM the rapper plants the header into the net! In that position, dominating in the air like that is what wins you the tight matches. GOAL!

Three-man routine: LeBron James, Spider-Man and Spider-Man do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Cut-back from IShowSpeed along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Stephen Curry centrally. Stephen Curry tries the shot but the defender slides in and gets a toe to deflect it. Well played. Virgil van Dijk crosses but it hits the defender's knee. The danger is cleared. Spider-Man boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Charles Leclerc! Long ball that catches everyone off guard.

LeBron James tries the dribble but it is far too predictable, the defender cuts it out easily. Spider-Man pushes the rocket away with a perfect fingertip save. The ball brushes the bar and goes out. Massive. Corner from Lionel Messi and a header from Rodri but it goes over! He had to hit the target there.

Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Surging run from Ferran Torres from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Ferran Torres tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. Short restart from Spider-Man to Virgil van Dijk, building from the back nice and tidy. Header won by Virgil van Dijk, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall.

We're into injury time, the atmosphere could not be more charged. Stephen Curry sets it for Rodri, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Monumental ball from Rodri to Charles Leclerc, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Charles Leclerc clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Michael B. Jordan gets across the near post first.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Michael B. Jordan, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Michael B. Jordan takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. The entire squad confirmed that Stephen Curry has a secret Love Island group chat where the 38-year-old live-reacts to every recoupling. At 188, watching the big man cry over Casa Amor is apparently hilarious. And now, our TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a family pass to a motorway services Burger King, text 0800M25 and answer: 'How many hours does it take to travel one junction on the M25 on a Friday?' And we are back underway! Virgil van Dijk jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Vicious tackle from Virgil van Dijk, he's left the attacker in a heap on the floor. Everything hangs in the balance, VAR replaying it in slow motion. The stadium is petrified. Spectacular reversal! Virgil van Dijk's yellow turns red after VAR review! Virgil van Dijk is dismissed for violent conduct. That tackle was premeditated and vicious. Virgil van Dijk delivers an inswinging free kick, Lionel Messi at the back post tries to get on the end of it.

Nightmare! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Spider-Man mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Stephen Curry raises Spider-Man's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Spider-Man plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. Just wide! Rodri struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. Spider-Man throws it out quickly to Michael B. Jordan, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Overlap from the film producer with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

Quick one-two between Charles Leclerc and Lionel Messi, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Wall pass between Lionel Messi and Virgil van Dijk, the combination comes off a treat. Lionel Messi is flagged yet again. He can't seem to get his timing right with Victor Wembanyama's passes. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever.

Spider-Man smashes a volley towards Charles Leclerc, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Interception from Charles Leclerc who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Charles Leclerc. Good ball from the formula one driver to IShowSpeed, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. The referee pulls play back for a foul by Virgil van Dijk. Held the opponent back by the arm. Deserved booking for Virgil van Dijk, he'd been getting away with murder all half. The wall is impenetrable! Virgil van Dijk's free kick is blocked straight away.

Draw. Victor Wembanyama takes the time to shake every München Ordnung-Muss-Sein player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Charles Leclerc follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. Karen from Slough says roughly four and a half hours per junction, which she verified last Bank Holiday. Enjoy your Burger King, Karen! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-2 (L)

Roulette from Rodri in a tight space, he escapes an impossible situation with pure elegance. Rodri treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Rodri finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Charles Leclerc plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

They've nicked a goal! London Three-Pints catch us cold on the break.

Spider-Man climbs onto Charles Leclerc's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Spider-Man circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Clearance from the superhero towards Stephen Curry, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Stephen Curry sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Charles Leclerc. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Lovely use of the ball by Charles Leclerc, finding Stephen Curry in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Oh dear oh dear! London Three-Pints score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Spider-Man runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. LeBron James gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Flawless defense, players throwing their bodies on the line to protect the goal. WHAT A RUSH from the superhero! That kind of keeper lets you play high without fearing the one-on-one. Spider-Man launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on LeBron James after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. LeBron James switches the play to Victor Wembanyama on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

The boss is so angry he has gone quiet. That is when you know it is really bad. He speaks barely above a whisper: "In twenty years of management, I have never been so embarrassed. Never. Michael B. Jordan, you were a ghost out there. The rest of you were not much better." Every word lands like a hammer. And finally — Spider-Man was once mistaken for a bouncer outside a kebab shop in Romford at two in the morning. Instead of correcting them, he stood there for forty minutes checking IDs. At 178, nobody questioned it. The man is 28 and a born professional. And now, our TV game show The Masked Commuter! To win a monthly Oyster card and a disapproving stare, text 0800TUBE and answer: 'What is the correct facial expression when someone sits next to you on an empty train?' Second half underway and Stephen Curry is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Quick exchange between Victor Wembanyama and Lionel Messi, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Clumsy challenge from Lionel Messi, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul.

Short restart from Spider-Man to Rodri, building from the back nice and tidy. Rodri rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Ferran Torres. The far side is completely deserted. Ferran Torres dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Authoritative clearance from Ferran Torres in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The rapper puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs. Virgil van Dijk launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Rodri launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Stephen Curry, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Good ball from the basketball player to Lionel Messi, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. High recovery from Lionel Messi, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming.

This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. LeBron James drops a lofted ball to Stephen Curry, it sails over the entire midfield line. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Michael B. Jordan tries to find Virgil van Dijk but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Royal interception from Michael B. Jordan! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. The film producer shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Rodri. Pure quality, as per usual.

Short build-up from Charles Leclerc to LeBron James, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Raking ball from the basketball player to Charles Leclerc, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

The basketball player launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless.

Lost it. Lionel Messi kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Stephen Curry hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." Simon from Woking says the correct expression is existential despair masked by looking at your phone. Oyster card for Simon! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.