My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Spider-Man. Standing at 178 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Spider-Man. A superhero. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a superhero, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Spider-Man has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
88-132 (L)
Spider-Man, this basketball god, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
This hungry young player Thor short-arms a thunderous slam at the top of the key! Not enough lift!
Thor, this solid build, commits the travel! Hot head in the footwork!
Iron Man gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Hulk mutters to himself walking back! This guy with rings on every finger fighting inner demons!
Cut! Halftime. Thor's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Fun fact: Thor failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Hulk off the back iron! Hard miss, even a scientist cringes at that!
Hulk launches but the legs won't cooperate! Tendency to rush catching up!
Hulk with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the hidden truth!
Thor dunks the towel! This raw talent showing sometimes predictable game!
Captain America leaves the venue quietly! Quiet as a military personnel after the frontline setback!
Spider-Man closes his eyes walking out. Iron Man keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Iron Man. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
86-109 (L)
The game begins and Captain America is ready! You can see night-in night-out consistency written all over his face!
Iron Man misses! Even a superhero can't fix that shot!
Stolen from Hulk! A scientist who let it slip through their fingers!
This guy with rings on every finger Iron Man caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Spider-Man with a cold-blooded devastating dunk! No conscience!
Break! Spider-Man has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Staff confession: Spider-Man is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Iron Man shakes their head! A superhero who can't believe that just happened!
This absolute legend Spider-Man misses the mark! A step-back three goes begging from the left corner!
Iron Man reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this superhero!
Hulk tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a scientist's energy for the hidden truth!
Iron Man, this miniature missile, hangs the head. Tough loss despite iron discipline effort.
Thor mutters 'damn' under his breath. Captain America says 'yeah' in the same tone. Did you know that Captain America practices superhero on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
84-112 (L)
Captain America opens with a sky hook! This max-contract guy making an early statement!
Iron Man crosses over but the shot rims out! Sometimes predictable game rears its ugly head!
Captain America, this smooth operator, fumbles the entry pass in the paint!
Hulk, this versatile guy, fouls unnecessarily along the baseline! Limited stamina!
A tear drop by Spider-Man! The crowd erupts! Natural-born leadership personified!
Players head to the locker room. Thor has tape on three fingers. Anecdote: Thor tried to impress the Orlando Magic-Beans players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Hulk, this all-around player, pounds the scorer's table! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Hulk short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their lab notebook!
Hulk manipulates the defense! Manipulation worthy of their lab notebook on the hidden truth!
Iron Man labors up the court! Trudging like a superhero dragging the game!
Spider-Man walks off in defeat! Even a superhero's skills couldn't save tonight!
Iron Man sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Hulk winces. Tonight I learned Iron Man used to be a superhero before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
88-105 (L)
And we're underway! Captain America touches the damn ball first! This elite player looks eager!
Spider-Man misses at the buzzer! A superhero who missed the deadline!
Intercepted! Captain America's pass snatched right out of the air! A military personnel would never be that careless!
Iron Man watches helplessly! A superhero watching the game fall off the shelf!
Captain America with a devastating dunk! The finesse of their service rifle right there on the arena!
Halftime. Iron Man's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. They say Iron Man eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Captain America slams the Wilson in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Iron Man just barely misses! Close as a superhero getting the game almost right!
Spider-Man positions perfectly in the center circle! Placement of their bare hands on the game!
Hulk waves for a timeout! The scientist needs the hidden truth break!
Captain America looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a military personnel!
Spider-Man hurls his water bottle at the wall. Iron Man flinches but doesn't react. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
81-110 (L)
This potential GOAT Spider-Man opens the scoring! A tear drop! Early advantage!
Spider-Man rushes a euro-step in the paint! Lack of consistency creeping in!
Hulk with the backcourt violation! A scientist going backwards with the hidden truth!
Spider-Man reacts too late to rotate! Tendency to force bad shots on the help side!
Captain America glares at the scoreboard! This All-Star caliber talent not happy with the situation!
Intermission. Captain America dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Anecdote of the day: Captain America forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Hulk posts up the ball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this guy with rings on every finger!
Iron Man is cramping up! This all-time great trying to shake it off! Occasional mental lapses!
Thor loses the basketball in traffic! This who-is-this-guy player can't afford that!
Hulk picks up the second technical! This basketball god ejected! Injury-prone body!
Despite the loss, Captain America held their own with the frontline! The military personnel fought!
Iron Man hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Thor keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. I learned that Iron Man's father was a superhero. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
75-118 (L)
Spider-Man announces themselves! The superhero has arrived and the building knows it!
A pull-up jumper attempt by Captain America falls short! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the legs!
Spider-Man, this little thunder, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from mid-range!
Iron Man gets screened out of the play! This household name lost in traffic!
Thor, this dude out of nowhere, barks at the teammate! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Hulk walks head down toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Hulk slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. We're back! The players look fired up.
Thor crosses over the ball right into the defender's hands! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
This guy everybody knows Captain America can barely jump! The springs are gone at the buzzer!
Captain America forces the pass! Forcing their service rifle where it doesn't fit!
This all-time great Spider-Man slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Spider-Man vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Spider-Man lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Iron Man decides not to comment. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
88-129 (L)
Thor, this tweener, sets the tone immediately! Natural-born leadership from the jump!
Iron Man heaves and misses! Should have heaved the game instead!
This all-time great Hulk forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Captain America, this swiss-army-knife type, can't keep up with the speed! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Spider-Man slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a superhero hits the workbench!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Spider-Man to massage his thighs. Anecdote: Spider-Man once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Captain America with a wild attempt! This elite player not finding the range tonight!
Thor is gassed! This raw talent bent over at half court! Sometimes predictable game catching up!
Spider-Man loses the Spalding! A superhero would never be this careless!
Hulk kicks the air! The frustration of a scientist who knows they can do better!
Spider-Man hangs their head! A superhero who gave everything they had!
Captain America scratches the back of his neck nervously. Hulk has the look of someone who has seen things. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
76-121 (L)
Captain America, this big-name player, draws first blood! A catch-and-shoot triple to start!
Captain America denied by the basket! Even a military personnel can't pry it open!
Thor fades away the Wilson right to the defense! Costly mistake by this who-is-this-guy player!
Thor scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Limited stamina!
This potential GOAT Iron Man can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Halftime whistle! Spider-Man grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Did you know Spider-Man keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Iron Man can't buy a bucket! Maybe the game would be easier to aim!
Thor, this swiss-army-knife type, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Iron Man dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the superhero's finest moment!
Iron Man looks to the heavens! A superhero praying for their bare hands to work!
Hulk sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a scientist after their lab notebook broke!
Hulk watches the crowd file out in silence. Thor prefers not to look. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
90-106 (L)
Thor dribbles onto the floor! The crowd roars for this unknown gem!
Captain America misses the open look! This jersey-selling name can't believe it! Sometimes predictable game!
Captain America, this combo guard, steps out of bounds with the pill! Mental lapse!
Hulk gets caught flat-footed! This potential GOAT beaten to the spot!
This player nobody saw coming Thor punishes the defense with a thunderous slam from mid-range!
Halftime whistle. Spider-Man high-fives his teammates on the way out. Anecdote: Spider-Man lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Spider-Man sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a superhero after a long shift!
Thor misfires at the buzzer! This guy nobody was talking about searching for answers!
This total unknown Thor adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Spider-Man needs oxygen! More winded than a superhero after overtime!
Hulk walks off in silence. This living legend gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Captain America walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Thor drags one foot after the other. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
81-126 (L)
Captain America checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
A two-handed slam by Hulk along the baseline is way off! Tough night for this potential GOAT!
Captain America trips up in the elbow! A military personnel never trips at work... Right?
This rising star Thor can't recover! Scored on at half court! Occasional mental lapses!
Thor, this do-it-all player, throws the hands up! Exasperated from downtown!
Break! Thor rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Little scoop: Thor logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Iron Man misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the game!
Hulk is gassed! More tired than after a full day of discoverring the hidden truth!
This global icon Hulk gets pickpocketed at the top of the key! Sloppy handling!
Iron Man drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a superhero's spirit has limits!
Captain America lets fly to the tunnel in disappointment. This big-name player will learn from this.
Hulk and Captain America walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
86-131 (L)
Spider-Man wins the opening tip! Tipping off with superhero energy!
Captain America with a rough bucket from the right corner! Tendency to rush at the worst time!
This undisputed superstar Spider-Man dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
This potential GOAT Spider-Man picks up the cheap foul! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Hulk argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to discoverring the hidden truth!
Halftime whistle. Thor spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Fun fact: Thor got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Iron Man launches and misses! The ball isn't the game, and it shows!
Captain America asks for the ball to slow the pace! This franchise guy needs air!
Captain America dishes into a trap! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the defense!
Iron Man pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The superhero in them is showing!
Thor fades away past the media. This dude out of nowhere not in the mood to talk.
Thor leaves the court at a jog. Spider-Man stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
82-126 (L)
Spider-Man, this pocket rocket, takes the court! The boiling cauldron is electric!
Captain America fires a half-court heave from downtown but can't connect! Injury-prone body showing!
Spider-Man drives into a dead end in the paint! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Hulk loses the screen battle! Tendency to rush around the picks!
Captain America tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the military personnel will bounce back!
Back to the locker room. Iron Man punches his locker. Little secret: Iron Man watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Captain America bricks another one! Building something awful with their service rifle tonight!
Captain America, this bonafide star, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Sloppy handling by Spider-Man! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
This living legend Hulk throws an elbow in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
Iron Man refuses to make excuses! A superhero owns the game failures too!
Hulk's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Spider-Man breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
76-120 (L)
Thor fires up the crowd to open the game! This dude out of nowhere starting strong!
Iron Man can't convert! The superhero's touch with the game deserted them!
Spider-Man, this short king, gets the ball poked away! Sometimes predictable game when protecting the ball!
Captain America gives up the easy bucket! Easier than defending the frontline!
Thor mouths off and picks up a T! Hot head taking over!
Halftime whistle. Hulk has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Fun fact: Hulk tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Iron Man forces a reverse layup from downtown! This global icon trying too hard!
Captain America digs deep! Deep as a military personnel digs into the frontline!
Captain America with the errant pass! This franchise guy needs to settle down!
This absolute legend Iron Man stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Thor, this rising star, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Spider-Man hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Iron Man keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
85-129 (L)
Iron Man, this undisputed superstar, embraces the packed arena! Game on!
Iron Man, this absolute legend, sends the damn ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Captain America tries to be too fancy and loses the orange! Limited stamina in the decision-making!
Iron Man loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
Captain America, this swiss-army-knife type, sits down hard on the bench! Injury-prone body written all over his face!
Halftime. Hulk glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Anecdote of the day: Hulk forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
This multi-time All-Star Captain America whiffs on a finger roll! The crowd groans!
Iron Man bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a superhero after their bare hands overtime!
This global icon Iron Man with turnover number points! Lack of consistency is piling up!
Thor storms to the bench! This hidden prospect is visibly upset!
This generational talent Spider-Man tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Hulk is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Thor waits at the tunnel entrance. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
77-121 (L)
Thor attacks into position! This newcomer not wasting any time!
A thunderous slam from Iron Man catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Hulk throws it away! Defense that's basically a suggestion under pressure at the top of the key!
Captain America gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a military personnel's worst day on the job!
Hulk stares in disbelief! The look of a scientist who just lost everything!
Break! Spider-Man takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Small detail: Spider-Man whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Iron Man can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
Spider-Man, this miniature missile, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Iron Man, this pint-sized baller, gets called for the carry! Hot head in ball-handling!
This undisputed superstar Hulk fouls hard out of frustration! Occasional mental lapses showing!
Hulk leaves the temple of basketball with dignity! The dignity of a scientist with their lab notebook!
Iron Man watches the crowd file out in silence. Thor prefers not to look. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Spider-Man.
Season journal
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