My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

88-124 (L)

That is the second personal charged to Monkey D. Luffy and the bench is already staring at the clipboard. Foul trouble rewrites a rotation in a hurry. Six fouls and the ship captain is done. Nobody in that trade ever learned to move their feet, but my word, he tried tonight.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Set called, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart waved out to the corner, and Kobe Bryant watches the spacing open up like a front door. You could hear the whole building groan, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart knew it the second the ball left his fingers, already jogging back on defense.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Kobe Bryant threw it before the help even committed. The movie actor/actress turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the movie actor/actress goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

The players disappear. The Great Khali has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Fun fact: The Great Khali was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! To win a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting, text HOOPS to 555-0975 and answer this question: 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Kobe Bryant slips it to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart right in the pocket. Surgical. Long and gone. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Monkey D. Luffy launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Ball into Kobe Bryant at the elbow, Albert Einstein plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Missed layup for the inventor and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Kobe Bryant half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart threads a BEAUTY to Kobe Bryant under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart just did it by hitting Monkey D. Luffy on the back side with acres of room. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Monkey D. Luffy did all the dirty work on that one. Two defenders in the lane, Albert Einstein splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Monkey D. Luffy has all the room in the world. REJECTED! Monkey D. Luffy takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Kobe Bryant kicks it over to The Great Khali, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. A cut with that timing from the movie actor/actress? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, The Great Khali fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Chased down from behind and wrapped up before he can get into his dribble, all courtesy of Albert Einstein. Here comes the free throw parade.

Kobe Bryant clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Monkey D. Luffy fidgets with his wristband nervously. And here is the answer to our game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! Leonard Skidmore of Tumbleweed Alley, Arizona, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' The answer was of course that nobody knows, and the janitors have agreed to stop asking. Leonard therefore wins a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

84-111 (L)

Albert Einstein rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead. Thirty-four hard minutes, every ounce of it left on the floor, and now Albert Einstein watches the ending in a warm-up jacket.

Ball moves. Monkey D. Luffy to Albert Einstein, on time and on target. Two defenders, one gap, and Albert Einstein finds it. Onions on that pass. That is a dime from The Great Khali that deserved so much better, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Dagger from Miami Heart-Attack. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The music educator just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the music educator! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the music educator, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Unselfish basketball. Kobe Bryant passes up a good shot and hands The Great Khali a GREAT one. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on The Great Khali. Cruel.

Off to the locker room. Monkey D. Luffy has already drained two water bottles. Little secret: Monkey D. Luffy watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Shop Til You Flop! To win a lifetime membership in a book club that owns one book, text HOOPS to 555-0983 and answer this question: 'How many gallons of orange drink are sold at a fairground gym?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Watch the spacing there, Kobe Bryant hits Albert Einstein right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A inventor making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Give and go! Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Watch the footwork from Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Kobe Bryant and Albert Einstein just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Fifth possession this half where Kobe Bryant has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

SKIP PASS! Kobe Bryant fires it cross court to The Great Khali and the defense is dead in the water! The movie actor/actress just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Nobody drew up that arc. The movie actor/actress floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Straight down the baseline goes the music educator! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Hands up, one stomp, a short speech, and the whistle answers. Technical foul on Monkey D. Luffy, and the bench is stunned. The scoreboard says eight minutes left and Monkey D. Luffy will watch all of them on a monitor in the tunnel.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Over the top of everybody. Monkey D. Luffy to Albert Einstein in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the inventor made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Albert Einstein rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Kobe Bryant and an assistant coach who both want to hug Albert Einstein first. Albert Einstein lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Kobe Bryant's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Monkey D. Luffy breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. And here is the answer to our game show Shop Til You Flop! Roberta Yoakum of Cedar Stump, Vermont, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many gallons of orange drink are sold at a fairground gym?' The answer was of course eighty gallons, and only nine people will admit to buying any. Roberta therefore wins a lifetime membership in a book club that owns one book! My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

95-109 (L)

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Laser from Kobe Bryant, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The extra pass! Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart had the look, gave it up anyway, and Kobe Bryant buries it. BANG! You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Kobe Bryant has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

The Great Khali wanted the contact so badly that he forgot the small detail where your feet have to be planted.

The shot comes up short and The Great Khali is already sitting in the sweet spot waiting to clean it up. That outlet from The Great Khali is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. Monkey D. Luffy rips the rebound and fires it up the sideline, Albert Einstein catches in stride and kisses it off the glass.

Somewhere out there a movie actor/actress is learning that the day job never included defensive slides. Rough little moment.

The players disappear into the tunnel. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart asks for an ice pack. Juicy anecdote: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! To win a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it, text HOOPS to 555-0398 and answer this question: 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.

SPIN and GO! Kobe Bryant pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Late contest, Kobe Bryant steps into the contact, whistle blows, and the entire bench puts their hands on their heads.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

OHHHH, what a read by Kobe Bryant! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Oh my. Monkey D. Luffy did not even draw iron.

Clean block, all ball, no whistle, and Albert Einstein jogs back down the floor like nothing happened.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Orlando Magic-Beans with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. The filthy euro-step in traffic was the idea, but the feet got greedy and the whistle blew Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart dead.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Orlando Magic-Beans, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Rises, releases, and The Great Khali sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not. Hustle play of the night so far. The Great Khali gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. Court vision like that on the movie actor/actress is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. BAAAANG! Kobe Bryant catches it and lets it FLY, nothing but net from the corner!

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Kobe Bryant makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Prayer from The Great Khali. Not answered.

Monkey D. Luffy mutters while walking out. Albert Einstein watches from the corner of his eye, worried. And here is the answer to our game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! Cletus Ogletree of Hominy Corners, Oklahoma, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' The answer was of course eighty six percent, and his name is Gary. Cletus therefore wins a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it! Did you know that Albert Einstein practices ship captain on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

93-105 (L)

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Swing, swing, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart finds Monkey D. Luffy on the wing before the help can even turn its head. They do not teach that in the ship captain handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Kobe Bryant gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Philadelphia Injury-Report, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The Great Khali gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Monkey D. Luffy saw it a beat early. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from The Great Khali, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Down, up, and gone for The Great Khali. The rim is just toying with him now.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Kobe Bryant has known that all night long. The ship captain runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. That is a throwback bucket: The Great Khali with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

Hands out, palms up, The Great Khali shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. Kobe Bryant is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

That's a wrap for now. Monkey D. Luffy dives into the tunnel. Did you know? Monkey D. Luffy has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. And now, our halftime TV game show Big Brother-in-Law! To win a novelty license plate that spells HOTDOG incorrectly, text HOOPS to 555-0296 and answer this question: 'How many pockets can cargo shorts have before they legally become furniture?' Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Albert Einstein slides the hip out a full foot before contact. The official saw it, the arena saw it, everybody saw it.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart makes it every single trip down the floor. Monkey D. Luffy drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Albert Einstein, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart drops it off perfectly for Albert Einstein diving to the rim. The inventor just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Kobe Bryant rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Awful shot by Kobe Bryant with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Kobe Bryant gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. DOUBLE DRIBBLE! Albert Einstein picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Kobe Bryant put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! That is twice tonight Kobe Bryant has tried to create with the dribble already dead, and this league does not reward that.

The music educator makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Rough look for the inventor there. In his line of work you get to take that one back, out here it is two points going the other way.

Kobe Bryant scratches the back of his neck nervously. Monkey D. Luffy has the look of someone who has seen things. And here is the answer to our game Big Brother-in-Law! Peggy Ann Hollifield of Sassafras Gap, South Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many pockets can cargo shorts have before they legally become furniture?' The answer was of course eleven, and at twelve you have to register them with the county. Peggy Ann takes home a novelty license plate that spells HOTDOG incorrectly! While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

105-102 (W)

Albert Einstein reads it two passes early, steps into the gap and takes away the entire lane before anybody gets there. Albert Einstein goes up with the hands to the ceiling and the shot comes off the front rim. Textbook verticality.

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Monkey D. Luffy left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Ambition, ten out of ten. Footwork, two out of ten. Monkey D. Luffy beat himself before the defender ever showed up.

The music educator just got left in the dust, and in fairness, that is a professional athlete he was asked to guard. Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on Albert Einstein.

OHHHH they are coming apart! The Great Khali again, and the defense has no idea where to turn! They are burning a timeout on the music educator! Somewhere in that huddle a whiteboard is getting erased in a real hurry.

Halftime! Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is limping slightly heading off the court. Anecdote: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And now, our halftime TV game show Guess My Salary Cap! To win a sun visor that says FLORIDA but was manufactured in Indiana, text HOOPS to 555-1136 and answer this question: 'What is the exact salary of a mascot with no contract?' And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.

That press is not exotic, it is just relentless, and Monkey D. Luffy has spent three straight possessions trying to breathe. He is on an island out there.

Here comes the slip from The Great Khali, and Kobe Bryant reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. The movie actor/actress gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Kobe Bryant has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching The Great Khali precisely where the play wanted it. GONE down the baseline! The Great Khali beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Perfect arc. The Great Khali makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Ice in the veins: The Great Khali taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Screened, toasted, done. Monkey D. Luffy is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. From WAY downtown! Monkey D. Luffy launched that one from the parking lot!

The noise climbs past whatever the building was engineered for, and Monkey D. Luffy uses it to kneel down and retie a shoe that was already tied. Double knot, no hurry, eyes on the laces. Kobe Bryant stands over him like a bodyguard while somewhere down there a coach calls a play into a hurricane and loses.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Listen to that building. Ten minutes ago it was a library, now it is a jet engine, and the man who flipped the switch is The Great Khali.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the movie actor/actress. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. Somebody explain how the ship captain stays that calm with the whole season riding on one shot. You do not learn that anywhere on this planet!

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Monkey D. Luffy does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

Monkey D. Luffy and Albert Einstein freestyle a victory rap. The Great Khali does the beatbox. It's terrible but magnificent. And here is the answer to our game show Guess My Salary Cap! Marvin Hollopeter of Sandy Britches, New Jersey, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact salary of a mascot with no contract?' The answer was of course free pizza on Thursdays and all the applause he can carry. Marvin therefore wins a sun visor that says FLORIDA but was manufactured in Indiana! Behind the scenes, I learned The Great Khali was also a ship captain in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

87-107 (L)

Tip goes to the inventor, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Second pass beats the rotation, Kobe Bryant to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Clang. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart wants that one back.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Kobe Bryant retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. BRICK! Kobe Bryant throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

One hard step and Monkey D. Luffy owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Way short from Monkey D. Luffy off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

Both teams head in. Kobe Bryant has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Little scoop: Kobe Bryant tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

Two defenders collide on the handoff and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is gone, so Kobe Bryant earned that one even if the box score disagrees. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The movie actor/actress puts a shoulder into the ball handler and pays for it. He spends all day being polite to strangers and now he is hacking people for a living. Foul trouble is a chess match and The Great Khali just lost a piece. Three before the break changes how this team defends the pick and roll.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Bad shot. Everybody in the gym knew it the second Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart loaded up.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Kobe Bryant walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Kobe Bryant does not even look, just floats it over the top, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is already gliding to the rim. Dimes. Nasty finish. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

Slow walk, no expression. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart backpedals past the Los Angeles Nursing-Home huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

The music educator just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Two guys on the exact same page, The Great Khali and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Two points left on the floor by The Great Khali, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Not pretty, but this is arithmetic now. Albert Einstein trades one foul for one more possession, and down five with a minute left, that math works.

Albert Einstein's complexion is grey. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! I learned backstage that Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart also does ship captain on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

87-120 (L)

Tip is UP and Albert Einstein gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Cross court, on a rope, from the music educator. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Monkey D. Luffy, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Monkey D. Luffy attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Monkey D. Luffy sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Toronto Border-Patrol bench does not find it funny. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Monkey D. Luffy. Monkey D. Luffy had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Break! Kobe Bryant heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Fun fact: Kobe Bryant is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. And now, our halftime TV game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! To win a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing, text HOOPS to 555-1207 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' Break's over, the players take their positions.

The ship captain makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Whirl, and GONE! Albert Einstein leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. The inventor launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Monkey D. Luffy the moment he crosses half court. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Monkey D. Luffy should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

You judge a locker room by moments like this. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart makes the play, and every man on that sideline erupts right along with him.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Body to body all the way to the rim and the arm goes up. That is on Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and this crew is not letting anything go tonight. Three fouls on the music educator before halftime. He clocks in, he throws two elbows, he clocks right back out.

The music educator just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Baseline wide open. Kobe Bryant said thank you. Shot clock at one, and Kobe Bryant just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Kobe Bryant controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. A cut with that timing from the ship captain? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. No touch. Monkey D. Luffy left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Timeout. Tablet out. And every line the coach draws starts with Albert Einstein. Monkey D. Luffy delivers on the second option, Kobe Bryant buries it, and the coach is already walking back to the bench like he knew. He did know.

Down by the baseline, Kobe Bryant points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. The Great Khali is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Toronto Border-Patrol coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Albert Einstein sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Monkey D. Luffy has his head in his hands. And here is the answer to our game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! Norma Jean Sprinkle of Butterbean Flats, Alaska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' The answer was of course nine, and the tenth one is purely professional. Norma Jean therefore wins a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing! I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

88-122 (L)

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

That is that. Deep into garbage time, and Monkey D. Luffy is on the bench with a towel and a very large grin.

OHHHH, no no no! Kobe Bryant steps into a contested step-back with eighteen on the clock and clangs it. Greedy.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Kobe Bryant breaks a shell down. They do not teach that in the inventor handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. OHHHH, that one died in the air! The Great Khali put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Halftime! Albert Einstein is limping slightly heading off the court. Staff confession: Albert Einstein is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. And now, our halftime TV game show The Big Spin Cycle! To win a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread, text HOOPS to 555-1057 and answer this question: 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

STOP AND GO! Kobe Bryant hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Kobe Bryant is walking back with both hands on his head.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Clean feed from Kobe Bryant, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Full stop, full sprint, and the ship captain is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. Monkey D. Luffy rose straight over the top of him, and one.

Hands out, palms up, Monkey D. Luffy shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

SKIP PASS! Monkey D. Luffy fires it cross court to Kobe Bryant and the defense is dead in the water! Kobe Bryant attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Kobe Bryant beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Kobe Bryant drops it off to The Great Khali on time and on target. The movie actor/actress just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Nobody expects touch like that from the movie actor/actress, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

The Great Khali mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Minnesota Ice-Wall fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Push the pace! Kobe Bryant grabs it and hits The Great Khali in stride before the defense can even match up. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, The Great Khali gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Getting to his spot and elevating, The Great Khali puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Nobody is touching the paint with the ship captain parked in the middle of it. That is a full time defender doing a part time job, or the other way around. Winning basketball right there: Monkey D. Luffy knocks the swing pass off course and that offense has to run it back from the top.

That was pure cinema from the music educator. Whatever he does for a living, it clearly involves an audience and a curtain call.

Kobe Bryant hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Monkey D. Luffy keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. And here is the answer to our game show The Big Spin Cycle! Virgil Stanback of Buzzard Roost Landing, North Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' The answer was of course two dollars and a firm handshake. Virgil therefore wins a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread! I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

102-113 (L)

The Great Khali controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the music educator, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Albert Einstein whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Kick out to The Great Khali, one more to Monkey D. Luffy, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. BANG! Monkey D. Luffy steps back, creates the daylight, and buries it right in the defender's eye.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Kobe Bryant, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Blocked into the floor. Kobe Bryant will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Halftime! Kobe Bryant looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Confession: Kobe Bryant tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! To win a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting, text HOOPS to 555-0975 and answer this question: 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.

That is a clean blow-by on The Great Khali, and the help defense was nowhere in the same area code. Goaltending on The Great Khali. Great athleticism, terrible timing.

The music educator just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. The Great Khali lays it right on his hands in traffic! Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the music educator, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

OHHHH the separation! Kobe Bryant just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. That is the shot chart lying to you. Kobe Bryant did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Monkey D. Luffy pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. The ship captain just traveled so obviously the referee did not even need a second look. Stick to the day job, my guy.

He tried to rise over The Great Khali. That was a mistake, and the ball is now several rows deep. One hand, full court, The Great Khali hits Monkey D. Luffy in stride and the crowd is already up. HAMMER! Monkey D. Luffy goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

No hero ball here: Kobe Bryant takes what the defense gives and moves it along. OHHHH that is filthy! The Great Khali on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. That is the shot Albert Einstein wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

The music educator is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. OHHHH the cruelty! Two tenths, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart gets absolutely nothing.

Kobe Bryant rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Albert Einstein picks up his own and folds it carefully. And here is the answer to our game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! Leonard Skidmore of Tumbleweed Alley, Arizona, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' The answer was of course that nobody knows, and the janitors have agreed to stop asking. Leonard therefore wins a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting! On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

82-127 (L)

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Oversold by a mile. Monkey D. Luffy is still lying on the hardwood while the play runs the other way.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

No hero ball here: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Full stop, full sprint, and the movie actor/actress is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed The Great Khali would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

Watch the change of pace from Monkey D. Luffy, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. The ship captain hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

Halftime whistle. Monkey D. Luffy spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. True story: Monkey D. Luffy walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Denver Horse-Track. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Free Throws! To win a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns, text HOOPS to 555-0952 and answer this question: 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' We're back! The players look fired up.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Kobe Bryant already has the defense a full step behind. Albert Einstein hands it off to Kobe Bryant, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Rim out for Albert Einstein, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Total control. Kobe Bryant has this thing on a string. This is the counter: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. The movie actor/actress misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

An inbound lob finished by the inventor, in the air, off a set play. Nothing in that job trains you for this.

The bench has completely lost its mind over the music educator! There are lifers in this league who never get a reaction like that. PICKED HIS POCKET! Monkey D. Luffy jumps the passing lane and he is GONE the other way!

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Whistle! Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart gets him on the arm. Personal foul, nothing clever about it. Third whistle on Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. He could argue the first two. This one he cannot.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Swing, swing, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart finds Monkey D. Luffy on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Monkey D. Luffy tries to force it through two bodies and finds nothing but the defender's hands.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart breaks a shell down. Down screen, and Kobe Bryant curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Pull-up from the elbow by Kobe Bryant, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Kobe Bryant replays the score in his head on a loop. Monkey D. Luffy tries to think about something else. And here is the answer to our game show Fear Factor Free Throws! Charlene Bumgarner of Hushpuppy Ridge, New Hampshire, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' The answer was of course two point six miles, all of it inside a nine foot box. Charlene therefore wins a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns! I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

90-112 (L)

The movie actor/actress just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

That is a costly ten seconds for The Great Khali. He lost the call, he lost his temper, and the other team gets a point without leaving the huddle. The movie actor/actress argued himself right off the floor. That mouth pays the bills in that line of work, and tonight it cost him the fourth quarter.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The ship captain is running this zone like he has been drawing it up his entire life. Wrong career, my friend, absolutely the wrong career. OHHHH what a hustle play from Monkey D. Luffy! He had no business getting a finger on that basketball.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The players head in. Albert Einstein slips on the wet tunnel floor. Rumor has it Albert Einstein tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". And now, our halftime TV game show Deal or No Deal or Maybe! To win a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap, text HOOPS to 555-0396 and answer this question: 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the ship captain made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. AIRBALL! Monkey D. Luffy missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Somewhere out there a ship captain is learning that the day job never included defensive slides. Rough little moment. The Great Khali goes fishing at the point of attack, the ball handler feels the hand on his elbow, and the arm goes straight up.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Clean feed from Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Albert Einstein gives it up to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

The drive gets a step, The Great Khali stays down, waits for the release, and hammers it off the glass. Touch pass from Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and The Great Khali glides in for the finger roll. Filthy.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Swing, swing, and Kobe Bryant finds The Great Khali on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Watch Albert Einstein plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring The Great Khali out of that corner in a blink. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for The Great Khali!

Kobe Bryant crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Kobe Bryant drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Kobe Bryant chases the referee half the length of the floor and pays for it with a technical.

Albert Einstein lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart holds his in. And here is the answer to our game Deal or No Deal or Maybe! Marlene Hufnagel of North Elbow, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' The answer was of course whatever speed produces the most noise. Marlene takes home a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap! During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

90-134 (L)

CHARGE! Albert Einstein runs a set defender straight over and the arm goes the other way.

GET THAT OUTTA HERE! Albert Einstein meets that jumper at the top of its flight and spikes it into the sideline. BAAAANG! Kobe Bryant throws the outlet ahead and Albert Einstein finishes through contact at the rim!

Albert Einstein climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Monkey D. Luffy refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Kobe Bryant kicks it over to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. OHHHH the pocket pass! Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Albert Einstein rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Under review. Monkey D. Luffy does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. Even the ship captain knows how to work a review. Hands up, palms out, best innocent face in the building, and it worked.

Break! The Great Khali grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Exclusive: The Great Khali was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show Foul Line Confessions! To win a hood ornament from a truck that was never built, text HOOPS to 555-1098 and answer this question: 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' Back in action! The coach got the message across.

Look at that bench! Kobe Bryant just lit the fuse! The inventor just blocked a jump shot into the stands and went back on defense like it was a normal Tuesday.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Hand check on Kobe Bryant. That is a foul in this league every single time.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Wide open at the top of the key and Monkey D. Luffy cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition. Muscled away at the second jump by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and this offense resets with a fresh shot clock. The music educator just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! OHHHH that is SILKY! Albert Einstein with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Kobe Bryant is barking at the official, arms out, eyes wide, and there it is. The T comes flying in. Kobe Bryant would not let it go. He already had one, he knew the rule, and he kept talking anyway.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Cleveland Twin-Towers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Monkey D. Luffy dribbles it out at the top of the key and never even looks at the basket.

Take the foul, live with whatever happens at the line. Kobe Bryant clamps down on the ball handler and the whistle does the rest.

The Great Khali mutters while walking out. Kobe Bryant watches from the corner of his eye, worried. And here is the answer to our game show Foul Line Confessions! Wendell Crabtree of Lost Mitten, Colorado, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' The answer was of course floor wax, popcorn, and forty years of accumulated nervousness. Wendell therefore wins a hood ornament from a truck that was never built! Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

84-128 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is The Great Khali who wins the little argument at center court.

Over the top of everybody. Kobe Bryant to The Great Khali in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Screen, roll, DELIVERY from The Great Khali! Nothing but runway to the rim! Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the inventor, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Monkey D. Luffy does. Long miss from the ship captain and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Break! Kobe Bryant has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Confession: Kobe Bryant tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And now, our halftime TV game show Briefcase Roulette! To win a portable radio that only picks up farm reports, text HOOPS to 555-0561 and answer this question: 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart does not love that call. Both hands in the air, a long look at the official, and the whistle still counts. FOUR on Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart! Grab a towel, that is the bench for a while.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Monkey D. Luffy has known that all night long. Left, right, gone. The Great Khali put that defender on skates and never even looked back. In, around, and gone. The iron gives The Great Khali nothing.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

No roll this time. Kobe Bryant swings it right back to The Great Khali above the break, and it is PURE. The Great Khali rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

From behind! Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart tracks him down and takes the ball right off the backboard. The music educator just threw an outlet that traveled farther than most people commute. Absurd. Off the day job and straight into the open floor: the inventor runs the break like he does this for a living. He does not.

The ship captain just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Whistle! Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. No wasted motion at all from Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Both free throws split the net and the scoreboard ticks over twice.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Albert Einstein just played basketball and the defense got shredded. The music educator had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Freeze it right there: leather glued to the fingers of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, horn already screaming. No basket.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Kobe Bryant speeds up. Wants it to be over. And here is the answer to our game show Briefcase Roulette! Ardith Sprague of Chicken Wing, Illinois, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' The answer was of course nine, and one of them is purely decorative. Ardith therefore wins a portable radio that only picks up farm reports! On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

83-108 (L)

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Set called, Monkey D. Luffy waved out to the corner, and Kobe Bryant watches the spacing open up like a front door. OHHHH no, Monkey D. Luffy floats it crosscourt and it gets picked off clean. That thing is going the other way.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart makes it every single trip down the floor. A single dribble is all Kobe Bryant needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. OHHHHH POSTERIZED! Kobe Bryant just ENDED that defender at the rim!

Somewhere out there a inventor is learning that the day job never included defensive slides. Rough little moment. The music educator swatted that one off the glass and handed over two free points. Somebody go over the cylinder rule at the next staff meeting.

Back to the locker room. Albert Einstein's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Locker room intel: Albert Einstein has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show The Joker Is Wild and Unlicensed! To win a mesh trucker hat that says WORLDS OKAYEST UNCLE, text HOOPS to 555-0584 and answer this question: 'What is the name of the guy who mops the floor between timeouts?' There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the ship captain, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to music educator the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the inventor, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Kobe Bryant comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Monkey D. Luffy just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Monkey D. Luffy, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

One hard jab step and Albert Einstein is leaning the wrong way, and the drive goes right past his shoulder.

Kobe Bryant walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Watch the sell from Albert Einstein here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the inventor! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Textbook two-man game: Kobe Bryant keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Albert Einstein rolls into an open runway. The inventor baits the contact, gets the whistle, and struts to the line like a ten-year pro. His boss is watching this and quietly rethinking next week's schedule. Two shots, two makes. Albert Einstein does not flinch.

Albert Einstein pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

The beauty of it is that Kobe Bryant never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Missed layup for the movie actor/actress and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Cross court, on a rope, from the ship captain. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Lazy one-hander from Kobe Bryant through the middle of the floor, and the defender did not even have to leave his feet to take it.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart bites the inside of his cheek. The Great Khali pinches the bridge of his nose. And here is the answer to our game show The Joker Is Wild and Unlicensed! Buford Tanksley of Sour Lake Bottom, Texas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the name of the guy who mops the floor between timeouts?' The answer was of course that his name is also Gary, which raises further questions. Buford therefore wins a mesh trucker hat that says WORLDS OKAYEST UNCLE! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

90-134 (L)

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Laser from Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Look how low The Great Khali keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! The Great Khali cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, The Great Khali panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. Monkey D. Luffy pays for that one. The best defender on this floor is headed to the bench with four. Monkey D. Luffy goes off with his hand still up, insisting he was straight up and down.

Halftime whistle! Albert Einstein grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Juicy anecdote: Albert Einstein was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. And now, our halftime TV game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! To win a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone, text HOOPS to 555-0914 and answer this question: 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Kobe Bryant turns the corner off the screen from Monkey D. Luffy, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Hang time like that on the ship captain? You do not pick that up on the day job, folks. Absolutely ridiculous.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Monkey D. Luffy is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Textbook two three with Kobe Bryant manning the back line, and they have not seen a clean look in three trips. Hands like that on the ship captain? Whatever he does all day, by night he is robbing people blind.

They have to shoot over the top of this thing, and the top of it is a long way up. Filthy work from Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

That is vision. Kobe Bryant sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. So close. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart can only stare at the iron.

The defender planted his feet, and Kobe Bryant said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Count it AND the foul! Kobe Bryant refused to be denied at the rim.

Kobe Bryant sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest bench does not find it funny. Albert Einstein pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Beautiful footwork on that one from Monkey D. Luffy, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. The ship captain misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart grabs him before the ball even crosses half court. Intentional, obvious, and completely necessary.

The Great Khali sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Kobe Bryant winces. And here is the answer to our game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! Lavonne Stackhouse of Grease Rag Creek, Delaware, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' The answer was of course six hundred and twelve, and most of them in the Midwest. Lavonne therefore wins a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone! I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.