My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | My Team | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 12 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. LeBron James. The man. The beast. Standing at 206 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Muhammad. The man. Is. A military leader. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A military leader. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got battle standard and apparently, the technical motion of a military leader and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget, let's talk about it. Or actually, let's not, because it'll make you dizzy. We're beyond the luxury tax, beyond the second apron, we're in a zone that even the league's tax accountants struggle to calculate. The owner burns cash like others burn firewood, and he doesn't bat an eye. Every season this team doesn't win the title is a financial scandal. The pressure is absolute, the talent is maximal, and the margin for error is zero. Welcome to the world of superteams, where failure isn't an option, it's a public humiliation.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
100-112 (L)
This household name LeBron James means business! Fast start in the paint!
Muhammad misses the open look! A military leader never misses the war front... But misses the basketball!
LeBron James, this titan, gets the ball poked away! Heavy feet when protecting the ball!
Muhammad gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the war front behind the battle standard!
This living legend LeBron James capitalizes under the basket! A euro-step with a gym-rat work ethic!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, LeBron James picks up the pace. Intel: LeBron James refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
LeBron James storms to the bench! This household name is visibly upset!
This absolute legend LeBron James misfires again! Lack of consistency could cost the team!
LeBron James spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
LeBron James, this tower, with tired legs in the paint! Tendency to force bad shots slowing this global icon down!
Jesus Christ leaves the den quietly! Quiet as a messiah after the game setback!
Jesus Christ stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Muhammad exhales. Again. And again. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
108-105 (W)
LeBron James looks dialed in from the start! Silky smooth technique preparation showing!
LeBron James blocks it and keeps it in play! Heads-up play, what awareness!
Muhammad can't find the range! The battle standard has better accuracy than that!
A deep three! LeBron James cannot be stopped tonight! This generational talent is locked in!
LeBron James reads the defense perfectly! Eyes in the back of the head and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Rest. LeBron James buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Locker room anecdote: LeBron James talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
LeBron James, this tower, battles through contact for a half-court heave! Will not be denied!
Jesus Christ plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this potential GOAT!
The arena trembles! LeBron James with the play and a Finals-like atmosphere follows!
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, with the crunch-time takeover! An unmatched feel for the game taking over!
Muhammad takes the applause! Deserved, for a military leader with the battle standard!
LeBron James runs the full court high-fiving everyone. Muhammad follows doing the wave alone. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
125-79 (W)
Tip-off! LeBron James gets us started! Let's go!
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James goes to work from the right corner! A finger roll drops beautifully!
LeBron James, this tower, hits the cutter perfectly! Scary good handles right on time!
This generational talent LeBron James with a cold-blooded tear drop! No conscience!
Muhammad with a ball recovery! The reflexes of a military leader catching the war front!
First half is done. LeBron James is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Anecdote: LeBron James once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
What a play by Muhammad! A euro-step from way beyond the arc! This guy with rings on every finger is cooking!
Jesus Christ and the garbage time lineup! This global icon can rest easy!
LeBron James accidentally steps on the basketball and slides! This living legend surfing!
LeBron James points to the sky after a layup! This first-ballot legend in the zone!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James led from start to finish! Comprehensive win!
Muhammad and Jesus Christ chest bump so hard they each fly back three meters. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
120-82 (W)
This first-ballot legend LeBron James comes out aggressive! Opens with a floater at the buzzer!
Muhammad treats the rock like the war front and sinks it. Easy as pie for a military leader!
LeBron James posts up and dishes! Gorgeous feed at the top of the key! Iron discipline!
LeBron James, this long boy, dominates at the buzzer and puts up a euro-step! Unstoppable!
Jesus Christ draws the offensive foul! Smart play, great positioning!
Both teams head to the locker room. LeBron James wipes his forehead with his jersey. Anecdote: LeBron James lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
LeBron James attacks back to the basket and finishes with a free throw! Too good!
This living legend Jesus Christ takes a bow! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! This was clinical!
Breaking: Jesus Christ caught competing during a timeout! The messiah never rests!
LeBron James with the fist pump toward the bench after the and-one! This generational talent is fired up!
LeBron James dunks in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
LeBron James does a backflip. Well, he tries. Jesus Christ applauds the effort. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
100-116 (L)
And we're underway! LeBron James touches the rock first! This living legend looks eager!
Jesus Christ sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this messiah!
Muhammad dribbles it off their foot! The battle standard would never betray a military leader like that!
Muhammad lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this undisputed superstar fooled!
LeBron James strings together a floater at the top of the key. Scary good handles on full display!
The players file out. LeBron James exchanges a tense look with the coach. Small detail: LeBron James wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
This absolute legend LeBron James gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
LeBron James dribbles the basketball into nothing! Hot head on full display tonight!
Jesus Christ goes to the post! That messiah strength is showing!
Muhammad spins but can't sustain the effort! Tendency to rush emptying the tank!
This global icon Jesus Christ congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this global icon.
LeBron James's eyes are red, jaw tight. Jesus Christ apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Behind the scenes, I learned Jesus Christ was also a messiah in a past life. You can feel it in the game. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
122-93 (W)
Muhammad, this do-it-all player, announced to huge cheers! A crowd fully behind them!
LeBron James buries a reverse layup in transition! This first-ballot legend is on fire tonight!
Jesus Christ forces the bad shot! Their bare hands intimidation factor!
This absolute legend LeBron James with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
LeBron James, this 7-footer, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Halftime! LeBron James is limping slightly heading off the court. Locker room anecdote: LeBron James talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
LeBron James explodes to the rack for a two-handed slam! Can't contain this tree of a man!
Muhammad throws the headband to the crowd! Better than throwing the war front!
Muhammad rallies everyone! The rally of a military leader rallying around the war front!
Tonight, Muhammad isn't just a military leader, they're a phenomenon with the battle standard!
Muhammad shakes hands! The handshake of a military leader who respects the war front!
LeBron James pretends to faint from happiness. Muhammad pretends to call 911. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
93-97 (L)
Muhammad lands the first half-court heave! First blood! The military leader strikes first!
This all-time great LeBron James is automatic at half court! A finger roll drops again!
LeBron James gets posted up and scored on! This basketball god overpowered!
LeBron James with the off-balance hook shot! This generational talent couldn't set the feet!
LeBron James steps back and scores! The comeback is on! This living legend believing!
Halftime whistle. LeBron James has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Anecdote: LeBron James lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Muhammad gets stripped on a strategic timeout! That's gonna be a costly turnover!
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, sits down hard on the bench! Heavy feet written all over his face!
LeBron James, this undisputed superstar, answers every challenge! An unmatched feel for the game never fading!
This potential GOAT LeBron James picks up the foul in the dying seconds! Terrible timing!
LeBron James, this franchise cornerstone, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
LeBron James hurls his mouthguard into the trash. LeBron James keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
118-102 (W)
LeBron James, this beanpole, sets the tone immediately! Scary good handles from the jump!
LeBron James drains a fadeaway jumper in transition! Textbook a gym-rat work ethic!
Muhammad rotates beautifully! Spinning with precision worthy of the battle standard!
This household name LeBron James turns the corner and finds the open man! Unselfish!
LeBron James posts up to the right spot! Natural-born leadership off-ball movement!
Into the tunnel. Muhammad grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Exclusive info: Muhammad is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Jesus Christ hits nothing but net! Pure as a messiah's work with their bare hands!
LeBron James dunks to an eruption! A packed arena! What a moment!
LeBron James finds the open teammate! This household name making everyone better!
Muhammad steps back with conviction! This all-time great believes tonight is the night!
LeBron James posts up off the court victorious! This hall-of-fame lock leaves it all out there!
LeBron James and LeBron James lap the court arm in arm, singing. Off-key. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
113-88 (W)
The game begins and LeBron James is ready! You can see ridiculous creativity written all over his face!
A reverse layup by LeBron James! The building is rocking! This certified GOAT candidate takeover!
LeBron James picks the pocket of the ball handler! Straight robbery!
Jesus Christ, this guy with rings on every finger, draws the double and finds the open shooter! Freakish explosiveness!
LeBron James launches into the right spacing! A killer instinct and elite court awareness!
The players disappear. Muhammad has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Anecdote: Muhammad once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
LeBron James with the highlight-reel bucket! This household name owning the moment!
Listen to that roar! LeBron James steps back and the place explodes!
This basketball god LeBron James celebrates the teammate's score! It's about the team!
Jesus Christ's got those messiah hands! Gripping the orange like it owes them money!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, carries the team to victory! MVP-level performance!
Jesus Christ and LeBron James stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
104-89 (W)
Muhammad locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a military leader who means business!
Jesus Christ with another bank shot! You can't stop this man!
This generational talent Muhammad reads the play and intercepts! Brilliant anticipation!
Muhammad with the touch pass! Feathery as the war front in a military leader's hands!
Jesus Christ uses their size out there! The messiah has a built-in advantage!
Break! LeBron James rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. I've been told LeBron James always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, uses every inch to deliver a euro-step!
The crowd is on its feet! A packed arena as LeBron James takes the court!
LeBron James, this titan, repositions on defense! An unmatched feel for the game collective effort!
This global icon Muhammad flips the script! From struggle to dominance!
That's the game! LeBron James finishes with a monster performance! This undisputed superstar victorious!
LeBron James and Jesus Christ pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
102-94 (W)
LeBron James opens with a fadeaway jumper! This household name making an early statement!
Muhammad scores with the battle standard, no, with their hands! But the precision is the same!
Jesus Christ shuts down the lane! Closed for business, like a messiah closing the game!
This franchise cornerstone LeBron James connects on the pick-and-roll! Assist for a euro-step!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Back to the locker room. LeBron James's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Did you know LeBron James plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Muhammad scores off the glass! Bank shot precision of a military leader!
Muhammad, this swiss-army-knife type, gestures for more noise! The crowd goes nuts!
This absolute legend LeBron James dives for the loose ball! Pure God-given talent on every play!
Jesus Christ's messiah colleagues watch from the stands, the game banners held high!
LeBron James tosses the orange in the air! A salute to the fans! This living legend mission accomplished!
LeBron James takes a bow for the crowd. Jesus Christ bows to LeBron James. The nobility of basketball. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
112-98 (W)
This absolute legend LeBron James gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Muhammad hits at the last second! Clutch like a military leader meeting a deadline!
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James forces the bad pass! Eyes in the back of the head creating turnovers!
LeBron James, this potential GOAT, sets the table at the top of the key! Assist master!
Jesus Christ zones up! Defensive zone like a messiah's the game zone!
The players leave the court. Jesus Christ clings to the tunnel railing. Little secret: Jesus Christ watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Muhammad scores from the left corner! A catch-and-shoot triple with natural-born leadership! Brilliant!
Opposing fans respect Jesus Christ! Even rivals admire a messiah's hustle!
LeBron James shoots the outlet to the young player! This undisputed superstar building the future!
This will be talked about for years! LeBron James with an off-balance shot! Iconic!
LeBron James, this tree of a man, salutes the faithful! A slide across the hardwood! What a night!
LeBron James performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. LeBron James imitates it. It's worse. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
103-99 (W)
Muhammad gets the starting nod! A military leader starting with the battle standard confidence!
This absolute legend Jesus Christ anchors the defense from the right corner! Nothing gets through!
LeBron James with a wild attempt! This generational talent not finding the range tonight!
A free throw from Jesus Christ! This potential GOAT reminding everyone why they're on top!
Muhammad spaces the floor! Making room out there like a military leader clears the workspace!
Halftime! LeBron James looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Word is LeBron James sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
This first-ballot legend Muhammad steals it in the final quarter! Turns defense into points!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James with a rebound in traffic from mid-range! Intimidating!
LeBron James soaks in a boiling cauldron! This absolute legend living for these moments!
Muhammad delivers in the clutch! A deep three at the buzzer! This franchise cornerstone is ice cold!
Muhammad drives the trophy! This living legend adds to the collection! A bench mob celebration!
LeBron James improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Jesus Christ plays the imaginary violin. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
82-125 (L)
Muhammad stretches center court! Loosening up, the military leader is getting ready!
LeBron James, this living legend, fumbles the finish on the low block! Back to the drawing board!
LeBron James throws it away! Tendency to rush under pressure in the paint!
Jesus Christ gets burned on the drive! Sometimes predictable game in lateral movement!
Jesus Christ drives and kicks the stanchion! This potential GOAT losing composure!
Halftime. Muhammad throws his towel on the floor walking in. Anecdote: Muhammad slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Jesus Christ with the contested finger roll from mid-range! No good! Bad selection!
LeBron James short-arms the shot from fatigue! This franchise cornerstone has nothing left!
LeBron James steps back carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
LeBron James glares at the scoreboard! This franchise cornerstone not happy with the situation!
Jesus Christ fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the messiah gave everything!
LeBron James lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Jesus Christ holds his in. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
103-99 (W)
Jesus Christ takes the court to a Playoff atmosphere! The messiah with their bare hands is here!
LeBron James, this titan, contests everything driving to the hoop! Insane court vision on full display!
Muhammad launches and misses! The Wilson isn't the war front, and it shows!
LeBron James, this towering presence, carves up the defense for a fadeaway jumper! Beautiful!
Jesus Christ uses that messiah IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Break! Muhammad grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Fun fact: Muhammad tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
LeBron James rises up for the game-winner! A layup! This guy with rings on every finger is the moment!
Muhammad, this all-around player, clamps down in the clutch! Elite a drawn charge!
The DJ plays Jesus Christ's walkout music! Sounds like their bare hands in rhythm!
Jesus Christ breaks the tie! A free throw! This potential GOAT wants to be the hero!
This potential GOAT Jesus Christ seals the deal! Victory with pure God-given talent!
LeBron James and LeBron James pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
My Team ends the season #5 with a 11W-4L record. Season MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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