My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇨🇦

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

82-126 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Tim Duncan rips it out of the air and we are off.

One little shoulder dip from Ice Spice and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Ice Spice drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Ball into Ice Spice at the elbow, Nicki Minaj plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Bless him, Nicki Minaj tried a move he has clearly only ever pulled off in an empty gym at midnight. Walk.

The rapper turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Cardi B rises from deep, the defender flies in a half second late, and the officials put up three fingers.

Halftime. Ice Spice throws her towel on the floor walking in. Little secret: Ice Spice has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Rebound! To win a first place pepper jelly ribbon from the 1996 state fair, text HOOPS to 555-1327 and answer this question: 'What is the official color of the squeak sneaker makes on a wet floor?' The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?

Total control. Ice Spice has this thing on a string. Off the pin-down comes the movie actor/actress with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Nicki Minaj is walking back with both hands on his head.

Everything Ice Spice puts up there is going in. Off the dribble, off the catch, off balance, it does not matter one bit. OHHHH, no no no! Ice Spice steps into a contested step-back with eighteen on the clock and clangs it. Greedy.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The movie actor/actress just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Two points left on the floor by Cardi B, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Ball squirts loose off the knee of the rapper. Back to the day job, my friend. Back to the day job.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Ice Spice stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Catch on the block, shoulder into the chest, one dribble, and Ice Spice finishes over the top. Textbook.

Ice Spice pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. Nicki Minaj mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

A full spin move through traffic from the rapper! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Into traffic goes Cardi B, he gets clubbed, he scores anyway, and the free throw is PURE. Three the hard way.

Cardi B deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. Tim Duncan arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

Tim Duncan hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Nicki Minaj keeps her in, chewing on the frustration. And here is the answer to our game show The Weakest Rebound! Earlene Tidwell of Gizzard Ridge, Tennessee, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the official color of the squeak sneaker makes on a wet floor?' The answer was of course a light mustard yellow, per the county Department of Squeaks. Earlene therefore wins a first place pepper jelly ribbon from the 1996 state fair! I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

101-90 (W)

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Ice Spice already has the defense a full step behind. The movie actor/actress just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Awful shot by Tim Duncan with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Cardi B threw it before the help even committed. Look how low Ice Spice keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. BANG is what Ice Spice was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Called for three in the key. Shaquille O'Neal had inside position, had the seal, had everything except a clock in his head.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Nicki Minaj makes it every single trip down the floor. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Cardi B spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! The rapper just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Straight to the logo at center court, Cardi B plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Back to the locker room. Ice Spice punches her locker. Anecdote: Ice Spice slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Lite! To win a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley, text HOOPS to 555-0402 and answer this question: 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.

No good. Nicki Minaj rushed that one. Another extra possession courtesy of the movie actor/actress, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. Court vision like that on the movie actor/actress is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Shaquille O'Neal gets into the paint, sees the shot blocker rising, and simply lifts it over the top of him. Never had a prayer.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the movie actor/actress, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Two defenders, one gap, and Tim Duncan finds it. Onions on that pass. Getting to his spot and elevating, Shaquille O'Neal puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Watch the spacing there, Cardi B hits Nicki Minaj right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Nicki Minaj splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. The defender fronted him, so Cardi B sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Salute: sharp, military, held. Cardi B delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. Ice Spice snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

Cross court, on a rope, from the rapper. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Nicki Minaj hands it off to Shaquille O'Neal, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. From WAY downtown! Nicki Minaj launched that one from the parking lot!

Pointing up at the family section, Nicki Minaj taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

Dagger from Miami Heart-Attack. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Whistle! Ice Spice gets him on the arm. Personal foul, nothing clever about it. The rapper is a single whistle from disqualification and he is STILL sliding his feet into the paint. Courage or a very bad week at work.

The longer they stay at that monitor, the louder this place gets, and Tim Duncan is refusing to look at the big screen. Cold, clinical, and correct. That monitor just took everything from Tim Duncan.

Nicki Minaj makes the phone sign toward the opposing bench. Ice Spice makes the 'call us' gesture. And here is the answer to our game Fear Factor Lite! Alvin Kluck of Cheese Ridge, Minnesota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' The answer was of course the same as outside it, only angrier. Alvin takes home a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley! Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

103-102 (W)

Ice Spice feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Ice Spice, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Textbook two-man game: Ice Spice keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Nicki Minaj rolls into an open runway. Baby hook by Nicki Minaj, right over that outstretched hand, high off the board, count it.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Nicki Minaj roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

CHARGE! Ice Spice runs a set defender straight over and the arm goes the other way.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Set called, Shaquille O'Neal waved out to the corner, and Ice Spice watches the spacing open up like a front door. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Shaquille O'Neal never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Shaquille O'Neal. Cruel.

Cut! Halftime. Cardi B's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Anecdote: Cardi B lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.

Ball moves. Ice Spice to Shaquille O'Neal, on time and on target. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Shaquille O'Neal whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. That is a forced shot from the rapper that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The rapper gets whistled for the swipe. Forty honest hours a week and here he is, picking pockets in front of twenty thousand witnesses. Foul trouble is a chess match and Cardi B just lost a piece. Three before the break changes how this team defends the pick and roll.

Swing, swing, and Cardi B finds Tim Duncan on the wing before the help can even turn its head. No roll this time. Tim Duncan swings it right back to Ice Spice above the break, and it is PURE. BAAAANG! Ice Spice from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

The movie actor/actress just rotated over and shut the paint down like a shift change. Where does THAT defensive IQ come from?

Laser from Nicki Minaj, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Here comes the slip from Cardi B, and Ice Spice reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Missed layup for the rapper and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Timeout. Tablet out. And every line the coach draws starts with Tim Duncan. OHHHHH MY GOODNESS! Nicki Minaj just tore the roof off this arena with the clock at ZERO!

Shaquille O'Neal and Ice Spice run circles around Cardi B who doesn't move. Zen. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

112-107 (W)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Philadelphia Injury-Report with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Ice Spice, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Ice Spice he is on the wrong end of it.

Full stop, full sprint, and the rapper is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Ice Spice has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

The rapper pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of Ice Spice.

OHHHH the pocket pass! Ice Spice splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Whistle. Moving screen on Tim Duncan, and that one was not even close. Ball goes the other way.

The locker room. Ice Spice sprawls out full-length on the bench. Little secret: Ice Spice watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Smell! To win a barbecue apron that reads KISS THE FORKLIFT OPERATOR, text HOOPS to 555-0357 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of orange slices or a pound of team spirit?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

Right through the window. Cardi B to Tim Duncan on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Rim out for Tim Duncan, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Rises, releases, and Cardi B sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not. Muscled away at the second jump by Cardi B, and this offense resets with a fresh shot clock. The rapper just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! The ball skips around the perimeter, Nicki Minaj finds the open man on the weak side, and Tim Duncan buries it.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Tim Duncan is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

The rapper is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Tim Duncan turns the corner off the screen from Shaquille O'Neal, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! OHHHH, what a read by Shaquille O'Neal! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. That is the kind of finish that changes a defense's body language, and Ice Spice has already done it twice this quarter.

Nicki Minaj forces a contested fadeaway with a hand in his face, front rim, and the drought rolls on. Twenty-four seconds expire with the ball glued to the rapper. Time management is apparently not part of that trade either.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Nicki Minaj kicks it over to Ice Spice, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Kick out to Ice Spice, one more to Cardi B, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Oh my. Cardi B did not even draw iron.

This is the entire night compressed into eight seconds, and the ball never leaves the hands of Nicki Minaj. Exactly the way he wanted it. They switched everything, they doubled the corner, they took away the middle, and Nicki Minaj still found the two feet of daylight he needed.

Nicki Minaj cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Ice Spice joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

Shaquille O'Neal does a belly slide on the court. Tim Duncan does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. And here is the answer to our game Name That Smell! Odell Trippett of Broke Axle, Alaska, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of orange slices or a pound of team spirit?' The answer was of course the orange slices, and it is not close. Odell takes home a barbecue apron that reads KISS THE FORKLIFT OPERATOR! Behind the scenes, I learned Tim Duncan was also a rapper in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

110-113 (L)

Won it clean! Tim Duncan got up and over him with room to spare.

Clean feed from Nicki Minaj, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Ice Spice does. Way short from Ice Spice off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

Cardi B loses the handle with nobody inside of five feet of him, and that clip is going to live on the internet forever.

The rapper puts a shoulder into the ball handler and pays for it. He spends all day being polite to strangers and now he is hacking people for a living.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Break time. Cardi B bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Intel: Cardi B once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. And now, our halftime TV game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! To win two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened, text HOOPS to 555-0405 and answer this question: 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

No hero ball here: Cardi B takes what the defense gives and moves it along. A movie actor/actress breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Nicki Minaj backs his man down, feels the contact, spins middle and drops it in over both hands. Fundamentals!

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Shaquille O'Neal and an assistant coach who both want to hug Nicki Minaj first. Nicki Minaj lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The shooter saw Tim Duncan rising into his eyeline, rushed the release, and caught nothing but the side of the rim.

Shaquille O'Neal just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Nicki Minaj half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Nicki Minaj nothing.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Cardi B breaks a shell down. Oldest play in the book, and Shaquille O'Neal runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. Give and go! Tim Duncan gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Tim Duncan walk away from it.

Tim Duncan points at Nicki Minaj first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Nicki Minaj again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Nicki Minaj waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Ice Spice! Nothing but runway to the rim! AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Shaquille O'Neal cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Perfect timing, no contact, no whistle from Shaquille O'Neal, just a clean swat and a stance that dares anybody else to try it. The pass is the play here. Shaquille O'Neal never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. Get that one framed. Nicki Minaj took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

Nicki Minaj's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Ice Spice breathes through her nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. And here is the answer to our game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! Maureen Skaggs of North Fork Elbow, Idaho, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' The answer was of course four thousand and nine, not counting the ones nobody will admit to. Maureen therefore wins two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened! Evening confession: I'm wearing Nicki Minaj's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

119-91 (W)

Cardi B launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Second pass beats the rotation, Tim Duncan to Cardi B, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the rapper is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

Cardi B runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

The zone is set with Shaquille O'Neal anchoring the middle of it and there is NOWHERE to go! The entry pass goes in, Nicki Minaj beats the big man to it, and this building is already standing up.

The extra pass! Ice Spice had the look, gave it up anyway, and Shaquille O'Neal buries it. BANG! Prayer from Shaquille O'Neal. Not answered.

Somebody explain how the rapper reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. OHHHH the hesi! Nicki Minaj froze him solid and he is already gone! The movie actor/actress gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Ice Spice controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Nicki Minaj punishes it with a read most guys never even see. They do not teach that footwork anymore, and yet here is Cardi B running a full masterclass on the low block.

Cardi B hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Shaquille O'Neal shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Intermission. Cardi B dumps an entire water bottle over her head. Confession: Cardi B believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. And now, our halftime TV game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! To win a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone, text HOOPS to 555-0914 and answer this question: 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The rapper makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Shaquille O'Neal sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Nicki Minaj lays it right on his hands in traffic! Unselfish basketball. Shaquille O'Neal passes up a good shot and hands Ice Spice a GREAT one. Jab, jab, STEPBACK. Ice Spice snatched his ankles and let it go clean.

Ice Spice climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Nicki Minaj refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The rapper is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. OHHHH the pin-down! Cardi B pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Tim Duncan. Brutal. Missed layup for the rapper and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the movie actor/actress, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Shaquille O'Neal the moment he crosses half court. OHHHH the POWER! Shaquille O'Neal took the hit and finished it anyway!

Down by the baseline, Shaquille O'Neal points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Cardi B is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Los Angeles Nursing-Home coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

A single dribble is all Cardi B needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. That is the shot chart lying to you. Cardi B did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Ice Spice passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Long and gone. Ice Spice floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Cardi B and Shaquille O'Neal leap onto each other like kids. Tim Duncan comes sprinting in and crushes them both. And here is the answer to our game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! Lavonne Stackhouse of Grease Rag Creek, Delaware, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' The answer was of course six hundred and twelve, and most of them in the Midwest. Lavonne therefore wins a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone! During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

104-98 (W)

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Cardi B, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Cardi B has it on a string tonight.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Ice Spice gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. OHHHH the FADEAWAY! Tim Duncan rises over the defender and it falls through.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Tim Duncan lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Nicki Minaj drags Tim Duncan away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Day job, then this: the movie actor/actress reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. So close. Cardi B can only stare at the iron.

POCKET PASS! Nicki Minaj threads it to Shaquille O'Neal between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Watch the footwork from Shaquille O'Neal: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Shaquille O'Neal strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Cardi B carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Time to breathe. Tim Duncan has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. The staff told me Tim Duncan sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Lite! To win a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley, text HOOPS to 555-0402 and answer this question: 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Cardi B rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Cardi B drives the lane, wears a forearm across the chest, and still finishes it with the off hand. Count it AND the foul!

Cardi B rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. Ice Spice plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

The rapper makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Whirl, and GONE! Nicki Minaj leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Buzzer on the shot clock, Nicki Minaj heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

The rapper just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The rapper just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Watch the feet on Ice Spice there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

The movie actor/actress reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Perfect drop-off from Ice Spice, and Nicki Minaj answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Ice Spice drops it off to Tim Duncan on time and on target. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Tim Duncan gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. That is what heavy minutes do, Tim Duncan has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

You can teach a lot of things at this level, but not lateral quickness. Ice Spice is doing a fine traffic cone impression.

Cardi B runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. And here is the answer to our game Fear Factor Lite! Alvin Kluck of Cheese Ridge, Minnesota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' The answer was of course the same as outside it, only angrier. Alvin takes home a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

96-95 (W)

Shot clock down to two, Tim Duncan throws up a prayer from twenty six feet, and it is not answered. Twenty-four seconds, zero shots. Nicki Minaj holds it, the buzzer sounds, and we give it back without ever testing the rim.

He backs him down, backs him down again, and Tim Duncan does not move. Not one inch. OUTLET! Tim Duncan rips the board and fires it ahead to Cardi B before anybody gets back! Somebody check that job title again: the rapper hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Watch the spacing there, Nicki Minaj hits Ice Spice right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The rapper takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Ice Spice goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

That is the second personal charged to Tim Duncan and the bench is already staring at the clipboard. Foul trouble rewrites a rotation in a hurry. Careful now. Three fouls this early means Tim Duncan plays the next stretch with his hands straight up in the air.

The locker room fills up. Nicki Minaj has already eaten three oranges. Anecdote: Nicki Minaj tried to impress the Minnesota Ice-Wall players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With her face. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Bologna! To win a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore, text HOOPS to 555-0204 and answer this question: 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

One hard jab step and Tim Duncan is leaning the wrong way, and the drive goes right past his shoulder. You cannot touch it inside the cylinder, and Ice Spice touched it inside the cylinder. Handed over, no receipt.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Ice Spice has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Tim Duncan precisely where the play wanted it. SPIN and GO! Tim Duncan pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Up goes the shot from Tim Duncan and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Ice Spice walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Nicki Minaj rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Missed layup for the movie actor/actress and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Push the pace! Ice Spice grabs it and hits Nicki Minaj in stride before the defense can even match up. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Nicki Minaj whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Ice Spice makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed Tim Duncan would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Snatched his ankles, and Shaquille O'Neal is still checking whether they are attached.

First option: Cardi B. Everything else on that clipboard is decoration. Tim Duncan takes the inbound, one dribble left, rises over the closeout, and the horn sounds while the net is still snapping. COUNT IT!

Ice Spice pretends to faint from happiness. Cardi B pretends to call 911. And here is the answer to our game Bowling for Bologna! Faye Ellen Duckworth of Sweat Bee, Connecticut, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The answer was of course two, and the rest are there for confidence. Faye Ellen takes home a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore! During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

118-103 (W)

Tip is UP and Shaquille O'Neal gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Ice Spice has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Cardi B precisely where the play wanted it. BACKDOOR! Cardi B slips behind a sleeping defense and Tim Duncan hits him right in stride! HAMMER! Cardi B goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Cardi B has known that all night long. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A movie actor/actress making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. That is a dime from Cardi B that deserved so much better, and Ice Spice knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Ice Spice drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Nobody drew up that arc. The rapper floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Halftime whistle! Tim Duncan slides down against the hallway wall. Rumor has it Tim Duncan does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! To win a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning, text HOOPS to 555-0129 and answer this question: 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

Somebody explain how the rapper reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. OHHHH the separation! Nicki Minaj just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. A jump hook over a grown professional defender, from the movie actor/actress? That is the most unexpected fundamentals clinic of the night.

Nicki Minaj hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Ice Spice shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Clean feed from Nicki Minaj, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. The rapper pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the rapper, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

OHHHH, that one is going to leave a mark! Nicki Minaj gets flattened and gets the call.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Ice Spice drops it off to Shaquille O'Neal on time and on target. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Shaquille O'Neal pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Gift wrapped by Nicki Minaj, and Shaquille O'Neal cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

STOP AND GO! Cardi B hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. The rapper just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Nothing but a nod. Cardi B jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Houston Blast-Off bench looks personally insulted.

Nine seconds to work with, one play call, and it runs through Shaquille O'Neal. When the game shrinks like this, you go to your guy. Out of the timeout, Cardi B hits Ice Spice right on schedule and it drops! Drawn up, run, done.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Ice Spice lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Cardi B drags Ice Spice away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Ice Spice throws chalk powder like LeBron. Cardi B coughs for two minutes straight. And here is the answer to our game The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! Homer Blevins of Lost Wallet, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' The answer was of course however the grandmother in row four says it. Homer takes home a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning! Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

88-121 (L)

Tim Duncan times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The rapper fouled a shooter behind the arc. Three free throws, and a timeout that is going to be extremely unpleasant.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Two dribbles, a turn, and Ice Spice heaves it from just inside half court. Splash. That bench has completely lost its mind. Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the rapper in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. Freeze the frame: light is off, ball is gone, Ice Spice got it out by a hair.

Stone silence for one second, then Ice Spice lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Shaquille O'Neal answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

The players disappear into the tunnel. Ice Spice asks for an ice pack. Rumor has it Ice Spice has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! To win a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it, text HOOPS to 555-0698 and answer this question: 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.

Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on Nicki Minaj. Nicki Minaj is on a tightrope now, and every single piece of contact from here could be the last one he is allowed.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

No hero ball here: Ice Spice takes what the defense gives and moves it along. The help defender committed way too early, and Nicki Minaj made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. The movie actor/actress launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, Nicki Minaj drops it off perfectly for Cardi B diving to the rim. The rapper just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Iron AGAIN for Tim Duncan! Somebody put a lid on that rim and every possession has turned into pure suffering. The offense stalls, Nicki Minaj gets stuck on the wing with no exit and nobody flashing open, and the shot clock eats him alive.

Ice Spice gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Cardi B saw it a beat early. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Ice Spice has all the room in the world. Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Ice Spice is doing it the old way.

The defender climbs right over the top of Shaquille O'Neal for the rebound, and there was nothing gentle about it.

Inbounds pass and Shaquille O'Neal is on him instantly, two hands on the jersey, whistle. The clock freezes at nineteen point four.

Ice Spice walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Shaquille O'Neal drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! Sharlene Boggs of Muleshoe Corner, Ohio, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' The answer was of course row thirty one, and after that it is basically folklore. Sharlene therefore wins a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it! During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

102-120 (L)

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Ice Spice already has the defense a full step behind. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Cardi B, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Cardi B, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

SKIP PASS! Nicki Minaj fires it cross court to Cardi B and the defense is dead in the water! BAAAANG! Cardi B sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. The movie actor/actress just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Reverse layup by Cardi B, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Cardi B strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Tim Duncan carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Ice Spice just did it by hitting Cardi B on the back side with acres of room. A cut with that timing from the rapper? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. The big man never even contested it, and Cardi B still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

The rapper makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. The extra pass! Tim Duncan had the look, gave it up anyway, and Ice Spice buries it. BANG! Ice Spice had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Rest. Tim Duncan buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Rumor has it Tim Duncan talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. And now, our halftime TV game show The Big Spin Cycle! To win a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread, text HOOPS to 555-1057 and answer this question: 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Ice Spice controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Right idea, no zip on it, and at this level Tim Duncan either puts some heat on that ball or he keeps it in his hands.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The rapper just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Throwing a shoulder into the defender like he is boarding a crowded train, Shaquille O'Neal gets whistled for contact he never needed.

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A rapper making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Missed layup for the rapper and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Cardi B slides, closes out, recovers. The ball goes all the way around the perimeter and comes back with nothing.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The rapper is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Shaquille O'Neal kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. The crowd has found its chant, and Ice Spice is going to be hearing it all night.

Two decoy screens, a flare to the weak side, then Cardi B coming off the second one. That is the whole thing. OHHHH that is BEAUTIFUL basketball! Shaquille O'Neal finishes the set and the whole bench is up.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Cardi B and an assistant coach who both want to hug Shaquille O'Neal first. Shaquille O'Neal lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Tim Duncan stares at the floor while Nicki Minaj mutters something inaudible under her breath. And here is the answer to our game show The Big Spin Cycle! Virgil Stanback of Buzzard Roost Landing, North Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' The answer was of course two dollars and a firm handshake. Virgil therefore wins a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread! Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

99-123 (L)

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Cardi B, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. The rapper had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

OHHHH that is a bad one from Ice Spice! He hauls the ball handler down in the open floor and the whole arena is up and howling.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Cleveland Twin-Towers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Nicki Minaj should never take with three teammates standing wide open. Hustle play of the night so far. Nicki Minaj gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. That is pure want-to: Nicki Minaj was the only man on the floor who decided that rebound belonged to him.

Nicki Minaj mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Cleveland Twin-Towers fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Halftime! Nicki Minaj checks her stats on the board and winces. Fun fact: Nicki Minaj failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show Grand Prize Giveaway Extravaganza Deluxe! To win a wood chipper rated exclusively for grass clippings, text HOOPS to 555-1263 and answer this question: 'How many people in this country are named after a basketball game?' Back in action! The coach got the message across.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Cardi B retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. A cruel spin-out for the rapper, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

TECHNICAL on Shaquille O'Neal! He found the one word you cannot say out here. Composure is a skill, and Shaquille O'Neal just flunked the test at the worst imaginable moment for his team.

Over the top of everybody. Ice Spice to Tim Duncan in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Tim Duncan slips it to Shaquille O'Neal right in the pocket. Surgical. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Shaquille O'Neal, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Watch the swing here: ten unanswered points from Nicki Minaj in barely two minutes, and the entire complexion of this game has flipped.

Total control. Ice Spice has this thing on a string. Watch Tim Duncan plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Cardi B out of that corner in a blink. That is the shot Cardi B wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. Cardi B pays for that one. Hands off, feet moving, no reaching. That is the entire instruction sheet for Cardi B the rest of the way.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the rapper. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. BANG! Exactly the play on the clipboard: Cardi B to Ice Spice, catch and rise.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Cardi B and an assistant coach who both want to hug Ice Spice first. Ice Spice lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Shaquille O'Neal refuses the coach's embrace. Nicki Minaj accepts it but her body is stiff. And here is the answer to our game show Grand Prize Giveaway Extravaganza Deluxe! Ezra Bottomley of Grand Prairie Elbow, California, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many people in this country are named after a basketball game?' The answer was of course four thousand two hundred, and a suspicious number of them were born nine months after a title run. Ezra therefore wins a wood chipper rated exclusively for grass clippings! Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

100-119 (L)

Watch the sell from Ice Spice here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Ice Spice had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Ice Spice left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Blocked into the floor. Ice Spice will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Contested! Tim Duncan makes him change it in midair.

Tim Duncan gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Nicki Minaj saw it a beat early. That is vision. Tim Duncan sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Perfect arc. Nicki Minaj makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Halftime. Cardi B glances at her phone for two seconds and puts it back. Juicy intel: Cardi B turned down an endorsement deal because she'd have to wear a mascot costume. And now, our halftime TV game show Minute to Win It Back! To win a lawn ornament goose with exactly one seasonal outfit, text HOOPS to 555-0319 and answer this question: 'What is the halftime score of a game that nobody is watching?' Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That is the second illegal pick of the night from Tim Duncan, and possessions like that are how you lose a tight one.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Screened, toasted, done. Cardi B is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Cardi B put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The movie actor/actress makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Cardi B drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Ice Spice went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Ice Spice eats the contact so Cardi B can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Straight back to the office for the rapper, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Ball moves. Nicki Minaj to Tim Duncan, on time and on target. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Tim Duncan pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Soft touch from Tim Duncan, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Swing, swing, and Nicki Minaj finds Cardi B on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Left, right, gone. Cardi B put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Wide open at the top of the key and Cardi B cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition.

Tim Duncan leaves the court at a jog. Nicki Minaj stays there, planted at center court, motionless. And here is the answer to our game Minute to Win It Back! Otis Fenstermacher of Tin Roof, Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the halftime score of a game that nobody is watching?' The answer was of course still tied, philosophically speaking. Otis takes home a lawn ornament goose with exactly one seasonal outfit! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

78-117 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Tim Duncan who wins the little argument at center court.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Somebody explain how the rapper reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Down screen, and Cardi B curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Shaquille O'Neal threads a BEAUTY to Cardi B under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The movie actor/actress just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and Tim Duncan has earned every second of that reaction.

Halftime whistle! Ice Spice grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Juicy intel: Ice Spice turned down an endorsement deal because she'd have to wear a mascot costume. And now, our halftime TV game show The Amazing Race to the Buffet! To win a cooler still full of ice from last summer, text HOOPS to 555-0107 and answer this question: 'How many degrees is room temperature in a room that nobody likes?' We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

Four minutes without a point for Shaquille O'Neal and his group. The offense has completely seized up. Nobody cut, nobody screened, and Shaquille O'Neal was still surveying the floor when the clock hit zero. That is a giveaway, plain and simple.

Ice Spice comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! No touch. Ice Spice left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

The rapper just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Baseline wide open. Tim Duncan said thank you. Rim out for Tim Duncan, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Straight down the baseline goes the rapper! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. OHHHH! Cardi B went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Swing, swing, and Cardi B finds Shaquille O'Neal on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Here comes the slip from Tim Duncan, and Shaquille O'Neal reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Tim Duncan, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Sixty seconds in the huddle and Cardi B cashes it without a single wasted dribble. Textbook.

Straight to the logo at center court, Cardi B plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The rapper makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Shaquille O'Neal and Cardi B just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Shaquille O'Neal takes two dribbles past halfcourt, rises from thirty five feet, and the net barely moves. Filthy.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Shaquille O'Neal takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Cardi B pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Ice Spice presses her forehead against the tunnel glass. Shaquille O'Neal walks right past without noticing. And here is the answer to our game The Amazing Race to the Buffet! Virgil Stackhouse of Dead Battery Springs, Nevada, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many degrees is room temperature in a room that nobody likes?' The answer was of course seventy-two, and somehow still wrong. Virgil takes home a cooler still full of ice from last summer! I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

88-128 (L)

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Nicki Minaj. Nicki Minaj attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Nicki Minaj hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Tim Duncan shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

One hard step and Nicki Minaj owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Look at Nicki Minaj mouthing an apology toward his own bench before the call is even announced. He knew instantly.

The rapper is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Watch the change of pace from Tim Duncan, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Fifth possession this half where Tim Duncan has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Break. Nicki Minaj asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Did you know Nicki Minaj plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. And now, our halftime TV game show Scrabble But With Numbers! To win a stack of forty three unread warranty cards, text HOOPS to 555-0736 and answer this question: 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Ice Spice controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Here comes the slip from Shaquille O'Neal, and Nicki Minaj reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Shaquille O'Neal gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. The movie actor/actress just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Ice Spice comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Shaquille O'Neal just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Shaquille O'Neal fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

This is the foul that gets your night cut short. Tim Duncan has to contest with a high hand and land in his own space. No argument at all. Tim Duncan claps once, hands the ball to the official and heads for the chair. Four fouls, night on pause.

You judge a locker room by moments like this. Shaquille O'Neal makes the play, and every man on that sideline erupts right along with him. Nobody gambles less and steals more than Shaquille O'Neal. He does not reach, he anticipates, and that is the whole difference.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Buckets, dimes, and one absolute dagger from Ice Spice to cap it off. This building is so loud the huddle cannot hear itself think. TIMEOUT! The other bench has seen enough of Shaquille O'Neal and they are burning one to stop the bleeding.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

No hero ball here: Cardi B takes what the defense gives and moves it along. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Tim Duncan whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Down, up, and gone for Nicki Minaj. The rim is just toying with him now.

Peacemaker duty for Nicki Minaj, hands on his coach, steering him back toward the huddle before this gets more expensive.

Shaquille O'Neal hurls his water bottle at the wall. Tim Duncan flinches but doesn't react. And here is the answer to our game show Scrabble But With Numbers! Nadine Frankenberry of Pothole Junction, Iowa, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' The answer was of course one, and it is invisible, and it is a seven. Nadine therefore wins a stack of forty three unread warranty cards! I learned that Shaquille O'Neal's father was a rapper. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'