My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

82-126 (L)

The rapper just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Nobody drew up that arc. The civil rights activist floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Ball moves. Sonic the Hedgehog to Zeus, on time and on target. OHHHH the separation! Zeus just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Zeus, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Sonic the Hedgehog is locked in on the other bench's best player and he has not backed up one single inch. This is what you buy the ticket for.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Halftime whistle! Martin Luther King Jr. Grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. True story: Martin Luther King Jr. Had his parking spot stolen by Detroit Engine-Roar's mascot. Still talks about it. And now, our halftime TV game show The Big Spin Cycle! To win a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread, text HOOPS to 555-1057 and answer this question: 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and King Von has known that all night long. Jesus Christ comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. King Von just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. The rapper just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! The player just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Sonic the Hedgehog walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to civil rights activist the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Pull-up from the elbow by Jesus Christ, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Somebody explain how the player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. SPIN and GO! Zeus pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Not a hand on him. Zeus flat missed the bunny.

OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Zeus missed that one with real conviction. OFFENSIVE GLASS! Sonic the Hedgehog beats three men to the spot! That is pure want-to: Sonic the Hedgehog was the only man on the floor who decided that rebound belonged to him.

Sonic the Hedgehog finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Martin Luther King Jr. Photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

Cross court, on a rope, from the player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Court vision like that on the civil rights activist is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Awful shot by Jesus Christ with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The rapper takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Perfect drop-off from Zeus, and King Von answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Take the foul, live with whatever happens at the line. Sonic the Hedgehog clamps down on the ball handler and the whistle does the rest.

Sonic the Hedgehog is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. King Von waits at the tunnel entrance. And here is the answer to our game show The Big Spin Cycle! Virgil Stanback of Buzzard Roost Landing, North Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' The answer was of course two dollars and a firm handshake. Virgil therefore wins a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread! During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

90-106 (L)

Turnover, layup, Miami Heart-Attack straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Sonic the Hedgehog breaks a shell down. A cut with that timing from the civil rights activist? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Fifth possession this half where Martin Luther King Jr. has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

OHHHH, what a read by King Von! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Martin Luther King Jr. blows the wide open layup!

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

A whole possession dies in the hands of the player without a single attempt going up. Back to the day job for a rethink.

The players head to the locker room. Jesus Christ is sweating like a racehorse. Did you know Jesus Christ plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. And now, our halftime TV game show Let Us Make a Deal! To win a jar of pickles from 1997 with the label soaked clean off, text HOOPS to 555-0044 and answer this question: 'Why do referees always walk faster than everybody else in the building?' The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?

The rapper gets whistled for the swipe. Forty honest hours a week and here he is, picking pockets in front of twenty thousand witnesses.

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Martin Luther King Jr. comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the civil rights activist! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Martin Luther King Jr. threw it before the help even committed. Zeus just took a shoulder to the chest to buy King Von half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. The rapper just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Runner in the lane by King Von, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

Nothing but a nod. King Von jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Miami Heart-Attack bench looks personally insulted.

Swing, swing, and Sonic the Hedgehog finds Jesus Christ on the wing before the help can even turn its head. No roll this time. Jesus Christ swings it right back to King Von above the break, and it is PURE. King Von takes two dribbles past halfcourt, rises from thirty five feet, and the net barely moves. Filthy.

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, King Von tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

King Von does not love that call. Both hands in the air, a long look at the official, and the whistle still counts. The table confirms it, sixth personal on King Von, disqualified, and the boos are pouring down from the visiting section.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Sonic the Hedgehog retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. The player just traveled so obviously the referee did not even need a second look. Stick to the day job, my guy.

The player just handed that one straight to the other team. Hey, nobody is perfect at two jobs at once.

Martin Luther King Jr. Sits on the floor in the hallway. King Von sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. And here is the answer to our game Let Us Make a Deal! Herschel Bumgarner of Two Silos, Nebraska, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Why do referees always walk faster than everybody else in the building?' The answer was of course because somewhere in that building there is a sandwich with their name on it. Herschel takes home a jar of pickles from 1997 with the label soaked clean off! Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

75-119 (L)

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

That is vision. King Von sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Zeus!

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Sonic the Hedgehog drops it off to Zeus on time and on target. OHHHH the pin-down! Zeus pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Martin Luther King Jr.. Brutal. A cruel spin-out for the superhero, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Day job, then this: the rapper reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Catch on the block, shoulder into the chest, one dribble, and Sonic the Hedgehog finishes over the top. Textbook.

The noise climbs past whatever the building was engineered for, and Sonic the Hedgehog uses it to kneel down and retie a shoe that was already tied. Double knot, no hurry, eyes on the laces. King Von stands over him like a bodyguard while somewhere down there a coach calls a play into a hurricane and loses.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The players leave the court. Zeus clings to the tunnel railing. Fun fact: Zeus was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. And now, our halftime TV game show The Big Spin Cycle! To win a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread, text HOOPS to 555-1057 and answer this question: 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?

The player pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. The superhero had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

SKIP PASS! Martin Luther King Jr. fires it cross court to Zeus and the defense is dead in the water! They do not teach that in the superhero handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. So close. Jesus Christ can only stare at the iron.

No hero ball here: Sonic the Hedgehog takes what the defense gives and moves it along. A cut with that timing from the rapper? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. King Von loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Whistle! Sonic the Hedgehog gets him on the arm. Personal foul, nothing clever about it. The player is a single whistle from disqualification and he is STILL sliding his feet into the paint. Courage or a very bad week at work.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Orlando Magic-Beans with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Push the pace! Sonic the Hedgehog grabs it and hits King Von in stride before the defense can even match up. Down screen, and King Von curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. From eight feet King Von puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

One hard step and King Von owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. The rapper lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession.

Off the pin-down comes the rapper with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. King Von gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Martin Luther King Jr. Scratches the back of his neck nervously. Zeus has the look of someone who has seen things. And here is the answer to our game show The Big Spin Cycle! Virgil Stanback of Buzzard Roost Landing, North Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' The answer was of course two dollars and a firm handshake. Virgil therefore wins a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread! During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

79-124 (L)

The crossover comes, Sonic the Hedgehog bites hard, and the lane opens up like the front door was left unlocked. The whistle blows, Zeus throws his hands up in protest, and the replay is going to make that argument very short.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, Martin Luther King Jr. drops it off perfectly for Sonic the Hedgehog diving to the rim. You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and Sonic the Hedgehog has earned every second of that reaction.

Another board lost, and the superhero is finding out that boxing out never came up in the training manual.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The players file out. Zeus exchanges a tense look with the coach. Rumor has it Zeus does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Screen, pop, SPLASH! Sonic the Hedgehog kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. That is the shot Martin Luther King Jr. wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

No play on the ball whatsoever. Zeus took the man down from behind and hoped the crew was feeling generous. They were not.

The player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The messiah runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. The superhero had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The messiah walls up like a closed door and the shot never gets home. Nine to five, and now this.

The rapper misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something. Another extra possession courtesy of the rapper, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. Up over the box out, and King Von catches it clean and finishes strong through the contact. Somebody just got posterized.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and King Von does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Martin Luther King Jr. Puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then King Von slips it to Sonic the Hedgehog right in the pocket. Surgical. A cruel spin-out for the player, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! King Von spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! From WAY downtown! King Von launched that one from the parking lot!

Martin Luther King Jr. Bites his lip, fists clenched. King Von shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

82-126 (L)

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Sonic the Hedgehog already has the defense a full step behind. Two defenders, one gap, and King Von finds it. Onions on that pass. Sonic the Hedgehog fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Three guys in warmups are halfway onto the floor celebrating what Jesus Christ just did, and an official has to wave them back to their seats. Two on one the other way and that is a free deuce all day long... except Sonic the Hedgehog says absolutely not.

Jesus Christ guesses left, the ball handler goes right, and suddenly this is a two-on-one before anybody can rotate. Jesus Christ goes fishing at the point of attack, the ball handler feels the hand on his elbow, and the arm goes straight up.

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Halftime. Martin Luther King Jr. Throws his towel on the floor walking in. Little secret: Martin Luther King Jr. Listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And now, our halftime TV game show Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! To win a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio, text HOOPS to 555-0119 and answer this question: 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Sonic the Hedgehog controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Here comes the slip from Jesus Christ, and King Von reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Jesus Christ makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Sonic the Hedgehog scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Sonic the Hedgehog has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Martin Luther King Jr. precisely where the play wanted it. OHHHH the pocket pass! Martin Luther King Jr. splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Jesus Christ, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Set called, King Von waved out to the corner, and Sonic the Hedgehog watches the spacing open up like a front door. The rapper reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. AIRBALL! King Von missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Sonic the Hedgehog did all the dirty work on that one. Two points left on the floor by Zeus, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Whirl, and GONE! King Von leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Gift wrapped by Sonic the Hedgehog, and King Von cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Here is what makes a defense elite: Zeus does not just block shots, he deletes the whole idea of driving on this team. OUTLET! Zeus rips the board and fires it ahead to Martin Luther King Jr. before anybody gets back! The civil rights activist just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. Martin Luther King Jr. Holds it three seconds. Zeus applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and Martin Luther King Jr. Collects every last one.

Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the messiah in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. The building went up, the building came right back down, and Jesus Christ is staring at a scoreboard that never moved.

Zeus walks toward the tunnel without a word. Jesus Christ stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. And here is the answer to our game Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! Earlene Stubbs of Possum Notch, Tennessee, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' The answer was of course it depends entirely on whether the pool is paying attention. Earlene takes home a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

89-132 (L)

Tip goes to the superhero, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Sonic the Hedgehog pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. This building is SHAKING. Sonic the Hedgehog just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

Salute: sharp, military, held. Sonic the Hedgehog delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. Martin Luther King Jr. Snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Clean feed from Sonic the Hedgehog, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Zeus gives it up to Martin Luther King Jr. on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Martin Luther King Jr. walk away from it.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Break. Jesus Christ's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Little secret: Jesus Christ watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Card Sharks and Minnows! To win a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz, text HOOPS to 555-0209 and answer this question: 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

Filthy. Absolutely filthy from King Von, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. The rapper had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

The player is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Jesus Christ splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Rising into two defenders, Sonic the Hedgehog launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Jesus Christ just gift wrapped three free throws on a heat check. The best defender on this floor is headed to the bench with four. Jesus Christ goes off with his hand still up, insisting he was straight up and down.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the rapper, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Martin Luther King Jr. does. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the civil rights activist! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Sonic the Hedgehog stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Sonic the Hedgehog drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Martin Luther King Jr. hands it off to Jesus Christ, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Buzzer on the shot clock, Martin Luther King Jr. heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and King Von makes it every single trip down the floor. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Martin Luther King Jr. gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. The player had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Sonic the Hedgehog's gaze is cold, distant. King Von's gaze is hot, angry. And here is the answer to our game Card Sharks and Minnows! Norma Jean Slaughterbeck of Grease Rack, Indiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' The answer was of course approximately one confident toddler. Norma Jean takes home a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz! During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

75-119 (L)

Tip is UP and Jesus Christ gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

The whistle goes, the crew huddles at the monitor, and Jesus Christ gets the thumb, flagrant two, straight to the locker room.

The shooter saw Zeus rising into his eyeline, rushed the release, and caught nothing but the side of the rim. The superhero just threw an outlet that traveled farther than most people commute. Absurd. Somebody check that job title again: the rapper hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Salute: sharp, military, held. King Von delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. Zeus snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Martin Luther King Jr. sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Sonic the Hedgehog finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Martin Luther King Jr. cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Jesus Christ walks head down toward the tunnel. Little secret: Jesus Christ listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And now, our halftime TV game show Legends of the Hidden Thermostat! To win a snow globe of a town that has never once had snow, text HOOPS to 555-0247 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the tailgate or the truck?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Martin Luther King Jr. kicks it over to Zeus, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. The superhero just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Zeus threads a BEAUTY to Martin Luther King Jr. under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Jesus Christ gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Martin Luther King Jr. saw it a beat early. Oldest play in the book, and Jesus Christ runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Zeus launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

The civil rights activist makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A player making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Clang. Jesus Christ wants that one back.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Somebody explain how the player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Jesus Christ left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! BAAAANG! Jesus Christ catches it and lets it FLY, nothing but net from the corner!

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Jesus Christ roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Late rotation from Jesus Christ, he arrives half a beat behind the drive and the contact is obvious to everybody in the building. No argument at all. Jesus Christ claps once, hands the ball to the official and heads for the chair. Four fouls, night on pause.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Watch the spacing there, King Von hits Jesus Christ right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Jesus Christ never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Jesus Christ fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Zeus and Jesus Christ walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. And here is the answer to our game Legends of the Hidden Thermostat! Duane Grubbs of Sour Lake Flats, Louisiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Which came first, the tailgate or the truck?' The answer was of course the tailgate, and it waited nineteen years. Duane takes home a snow globe of a town that has never once had snow! On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

89-134 (L)

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Outlet pass, immediate pressure, and Zeus retreats right back across the half-court line. That is over and back.

The civil rights activist just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Jesus Christ turns the corner off the screen from Zeus, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Zeus has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Somebody explain how the player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the rapper made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. A cruel spin-out for the rapper, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Court vision like that on the player is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Zeus went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

First half is done. King Von is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Bus driver's confession: King Von raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! To win a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office, text HOOPS to 555-0278 and answer this question: 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Jesus Christ rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead. Standing ovation for the messiah on the way to the bench. Fouled out, hands on the knees, and not one regret in this building.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Minnesota Ice-Wall with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Watch the spacing there, King Von hits Sonic the Hedgehog right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Watch the spacing, Sonic the Hedgehog drags two bodies toward the ball and Martin Luther King Jr. is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Stepback three from the civil rights activist, ice in his veins. You cannot teach that, and apparently you cannot keep it out of the workforce either.

Blowing smoke off two fingers like a gunslinger, Martin Luther King Jr. Holsters them in his waistband. Zeus plays dead on the baseline. The mascot joins the bit uninvited. A referee has to physically separate a celebration from an inbound play.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Five bodies moving as one, Jesus Christ barking out every rotation, and there is not a crack anywhere in this thing.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Two defenders collide on the handoff and Zeus is gone, so Sonic the Hedgehog earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and Zeus rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Dribble handoff from Sonic the Hedgehog, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the superhero and quietly turning off the TV.

Not pretty, but this is arithmetic now. Zeus trades one foul for one more possession, and down five with a minute left, that math works.

Sonic the Hedgehog walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. King Von drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! Verna Lou Cottongim of Flat Tire, Arizona, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' The answer was of course nobody knows, because they multiply in the off-season. Verna Lou takes home a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office! I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

76-120 (L)

Won it clean! Zeus got up and over him with room to spare.

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

GONE down the baseline! King Von beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. DOUBLE DRIBBLE! King Von picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Martin Luther King Jr.! Nothing but runway to the rim! A cut with that timing from the messiah? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Nobody expects touch like that from the messiah, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

Jesus Christ slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Halftime whistle. Martin Luther King Jr. Has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Physio's confession: Martin Luther King Jr. Purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. And now, our halftime TV game show Double Dare You! To win a three-pound bag of gas station beef jerky, text HOOPS to 555-0091 and answer this question: 'How many times does a basketball bounce before it forgives you?' The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and King Von makes it every single trip down the floor. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Zeus whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. A cruel spin-out for the messiah, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Sonic the Hedgehog has to see that help man. When a defender beats you to the spot and sits down, you pull it out.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Garbage time, and the player is sitting there with ice on both knees like a twelve year veteran. Not bad for somebody with a day job.

Martin Luther King Jr. sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Sonic the Hedgehog lays it right on his hands in traffic! You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Martin Luther King Jr. has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

STOP AND GO! Sonic the Hedgehog hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and Sonic the Hedgehog keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

The civil rights activist just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Up goes the shot from King Von and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the civil rights activist, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. The rapper pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Shot clock at one, and Martin Luther King Jr. just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Sonic the Hedgehog replays the score in his head on a loop. Jesus Christ tries to think about something else. And here is the answer to our game Double Dare You! Opal Sisk of Nickel Plate, Colorado, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many times does a basketball bounce before it forgives you?' The answer was of course six, and the seventh is only out of politeness. Opal takes home a three-pound bag of gas station beef jerky! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

88-133 (L)

Jesus Christ controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Unselfish basketball. Sonic the Hedgehog passes up a good shot and hands Martin Luther King Jr. a GREAT one. The civil rights activist just double dribbled in front of a sold-out building. Nobody back at work is ever letting that one go.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

From WAY downtown off the pop! Sonic the Hedgehog with the extra pass and CASH. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the messiah! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Halftime. Zeus is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Confession: Zeus calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show The Joker Is Wild and Unlicensed! To win a mesh trucker hat that says WORLDS OKAYEST UNCLE, text HOOPS to 555-0584 and answer this question: 'What is the name of the guy who mops the floor between timeouts?' The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

Ball moves. Sonic the Hedgehog to Jesus Christ, on time and on target. Jesus Christ rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Long miss from the messiah and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

Swing, swing, and Martin Luther King Jr. finds Sonic the Hedgehog on the wing before the help can even turn its head. The player just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Down, up, and gone for Sonic the Hedgehog. The rim is just toying with him now.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Sonic the Hedgehog lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time. Nobody put a body on Jesus Christ and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. Second chance points for Jesus Christ, tipping his own miss straight back in before his feet ever touched the floor.

Jesus Christ runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Sonic the Hedgehog just did it by hitting King Von on the back side with acres of room. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from King Von, and not one single soul could do anything about it. The rapper tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Martin Luther King Jr. launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Sonic the Hedgehog attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Prayer from Sonic the Hedgehog. Not answered.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Thrilling stuff in the closing minutes. Martin Luther King Jr. watches from the bench while the deep reserves audition for minutes nobody will remember.

The assistant points at the far corner, the head coach points at Zeus, and the other three get told exactly where to stand. Cut, screen, relocate, and there is King Von wide open in the corner. Nobody on that defense read one page of it.

Sonic the Hedgehog refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Jesus Christ watches it and immediately regrets it. And here is the answer to our game show The Joker Is Wild and Unlicensed! Buford Tanksley of Sour Lake Bottom, Texas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the name of the guy who mops the floor between timeouts?' The answer was of course that his name is also Gary, which raises further questions. Buford therefore wins a mesh trucker hat that says WORLDS OKAYEST UNCLE! I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

73-118 (L)

A cut with that timing from the civil rights activist? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. Martin Luther King Jr. had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

OHHHH THE CHASEDOWN! King Von comes from nowhere and pins it on the glass! Wide open runway! King Von gets to the rim before the defense even crosses halfcourt!

Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Sonic the Hedgehog rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. The player had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Textbook two three with Sonic the Hedgehog manning the back line, and they have not seen a clean look in three trips.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Coach calls everyone back. King Von drags his feet toward the tunnel. Locker room intel: King Von has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! To win a bowling trophy from a league that never existed, text HOOPS to 555-0192 and answer this question: 'What is the flavor of blue?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

Clean feed from King Von, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to superhero the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. The messiah just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Watch the footwork from Jesus Christ: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Jesus Christ roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

King Von feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. That is a dime from Jesus Christ that deserved so much better, and King Von knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Laser from King Von, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Jesus Christ has all the room in the world. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Jesus Christ, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Total control. Sonic the Hedgehog has this thing on a string. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and King Von punishes it with a read most guys never even see. BRICK! Jesus Christ throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Over the top of everybody. Martin Luther King Jr. to King Von in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Straight down the baseline goes the rapper! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. King Von beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Hand check on Sonic the Hedgehog. That is a foul in this league every single time. Six fouls and the player is done. Nobody in that trade ever learned to move their feet, but my word, he tried tonight.

Sonic the Hedgehog stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. King Von comes back to get him. And here is the answer to our game Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! Elmer Tunstall of Split Rail, Vermont, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the flavor of blue?' The answer was of course blue, which has been blue since 1968 and nobody has improved on it. Elmer takes home a bowling trophy from a league that never existed! I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

74-117 (L)

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Ball moves. Sonic the Hedgehog to King Von, on time and on target. They do not teach that in the rapper handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Getting to his spot and elevating, Sonic the Hedgehog puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Somebody explain how the player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. The civil rights activist pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Jesus Christ should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Full stop, full sprint, and the rapper is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. King Von had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

End of the first act. King Von is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Staff confession: King Von is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! To win a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting, text HOOPS to 555-0975 and answer this question: 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Martin Luther King Jr. just did it by hitting Sonic the Hedgehog on the back side with acres of room. Watch King Von plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Sonic the Hedgehog out of that corner in a blink. The defender fronted him, so Sonic the Hedgehog sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Sonic the Hedgehog is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Behind the back was the idea, the ball had entirely different plans, and Sonic the Hedgehog gets a collective groan for his trouble.

Over the top of everybody. Sonic the Hedgehog to Zeus in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. The superhero turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. That is what heavy minutes do, Zeus has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The messiah just wiped a layup off the face of the earth and stood over the wreckage! Whatever they teach at that day job, it is working. Everything starts with that release, Jesus Christ hitting Sonic the Hedgehog in full flight before the defense has even turned around. The player just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Nothing but a nod. Sonic the Hedgehog jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Cleveland Twin-Towers bench looks personally insulted.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Cleveland Twin-Towers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Sonic the Hedgehog gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Sonic the Hedgehog goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! King Von put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! King Von rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

The civil rights activist is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. The officials come back out, cross their arms, and Martin Luther King Jr. goes from hero to spectator on one signal.

Zeus avoids the cameras like the plague. Sonic the Hedgehog gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. And here is the answer to our game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! Leonard Skidmore of Tumbleweed Alley, Arizona, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' The answer was of course that nobody knows, and the janitors have agreed to stop asking. Leonard therefore wins a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting! Tonight I learned Zeus used to be a volunteer firefighter before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

81-126 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

He backs him down, backs him down again, and Jesus Christ does not move. Not one inch. Turn it over against this team and Jesus Christ is gone the second the ball changes hands. Those transition points keep stacking up.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Jesus Christ stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Sonic the Hedgehog crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. TRAVEL! Sonic the Hedgehog took the scenic route to the rim and the whistle ended the tour.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Break! Zeus heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Fun fact: Zeus tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. And now, our halftime TV game show Legends of the Hidden Thermostat! To win a snow globe of a town that has never once had snow, text HOOPS to 555-0247 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the tailgate or the truck?' On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.

OHHHH what a hustle play from King Von! He had no business getting a finger on that basketball. The rapper just outran an entire defense for the finish, and he clocks in for a shift in the morning. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

King Von climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Jesus Christ refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Martin Luther King Jr. just did it by hitting Jesus Christ on the back side with acres of room. The messiah just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Shot clock at one, and Zeus just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Bench energy is real currency over a long season, and King Von just handed his teammates a full bank account. Somewhere there is a shift with the superhero written on it for tomorrow morning. Tonight he is out here erasing shots.

BAAAANG! Sonic the Hedgehog sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. Oh my. Martin Luther King Jr. did not even draw iron.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

You can teach a lot of things at this level, but not lateral quickness. Zeus is doing a fine traffic cone impression. Body to body all the way to the rim and the arm goes up. That is on Jesus Christ, and this crew is not letting anything go tonight.

Total control. Sonic the Hedgehog has this thing on a string. Beautiful footwork on that one from King Von, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. The crowd has found its chant, and King Von is going to be hearing it all night.

Set called, Zeus waved out to the corner, and Sonic the Hedgehog watches the spacing open up like a front door. The superhero pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Prayer from Zeus. Not answered.

Somebody explain how the player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. The messiah reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Martin Luther King Jr. threads a BEAUTY to Jesus Christ under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

King Von mutters while walking out. Sonic the Hedgehog watches from the corner of his eye, worried. And here is the answer to our game Legends of the Hidden Thermostat! Duane Grubbs of Sour Lake Flats, Louisiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Which came first, the tailgate or the truck?' The answer was of course the tailgate, and it waited nineteen years. Duane takes home a snow globe of a town that has never once had snow! During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

76-120 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Jesus Christ who wins the little argument at center court.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Martin Luther King Jr. just did it by hitting Jesus Christ on the back side with acres of room. Zeus eats the contact so Jesus Christ can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Jesus Christ blows the wide open layup!

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The player tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job. The messiah outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. OHHHH he went and GOT that! Jesus Christ with the putback jam over two bodies.

Both teams head to the locker room. Martin Luther King Jr. Wipes his forehead with his jersey. Rumor has it Martin Luther King Jr. Talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! To win a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash, text HOOPS to 555-0804 and answer this question: 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Sonic the Hedgehog already has the defense a full step behind. Textbook two-man game: King Von keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Martin Luther King Jr. rolls into an open runway. Court vision like that on the civil rights activist is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Zeus attacks the paint, absorbs the bump, twists his body all the way around the defender and reverses it in. FILTHY.

Zeus points at King Von first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at King Von again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. King Von waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

POCKET PASS! Sonic the Hedgehog threads it to Zeus between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Long and gone. Zeus floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Total control. Sonic the Hedgehog has this thing on a string. Watch the sell from Zeus here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. A cruel spin-out for the superhero, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Sonic the Hedgehog the moment he crosses half court. REJECTED! Sonic the Hedgehog takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

Two guys on the exact same page, Martin Luther King Jr. and King Von, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, Martin Luther King Jr. panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

That is the second personal charged to King Von and the bench is already staring at the clipboard. Foul trouble rewrites a rotation in a hurry. Six fouls and the rapper is done. Nobody in that trade ever learned to move their feet, but my word, he tried tonight.

Foul to give, and King Von gives it. Clock stops.

Zeus replays the score in his head on a loop. Martin Luther King Jr. Tries to think about something else. And here is the answer to our game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! Ricky Don Sturgill of Sassafras Bottom, Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' The answer was of course that the scarf lobby got to the rules committee in 1954. Ricky Don therefore wins a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash! Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Zeus's name. Forgive me. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

82-127 (L)

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A player making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Perfect drop-off from Zeus, and Jesus Christ answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Sonic the Hedgehog controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The help defender committed way too early, and Martin Luther King Jr. made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. That is body control you simply cannot coach: Martin Luther King Jr. stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Martin Luther King Jr. Mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

King Von drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the civil rights activist! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! King Von walks head down toward the tunnel. True story: King Von walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show The Sticker Shock Hour! To win a hand-tooled leather wall hanging of an eagle crying, text HOOPS to 555-1305 and answer this question: 'What is the exact weight of a basketball that has been dribbled while sad?' The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.

Baseline spin from Sonic the Hedgehog at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Sonic the Hedgehog launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Clean feed from Sonic the Hedgehog, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. The extra pass! King Von had the look, gave it up anyway, and Zeus buries it. BANG! Zeus rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Sonic the Hedgehog rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Watch the feet on Sonic the Hedgehog there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything. Muscled away at the second jump by Zeus, and this offense resets with a fresh shot clock. Rebounding is effort, and effort is apparently what the superhero does for a living. Second chance points, all guts.

Zeus slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Sonic the Hedgehog has known that all night long. Court vision like that on the superhero is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Rising into two defenders, Martin Luther King Jr. launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

Give and go! King Von gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Oh, that is rough. King Von killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

A full spin move through traffic from the rapper! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. That is a dime from Sonic the Hedgehog that deserved so much better, and King Von knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The superhero is running this zone like he has been drawing it up his entire life. Wrong career, my friend, absolutely the wrong career. Hands like that on the player? Whatever he does all day, by night he is robbing people blind.

Zeus sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Jesus Christ has his head in his hands. And here is the answer to our game show The Sticker Shock Hour! Roy Dean Hollifield of Turkey Scratch, Arkansas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact weight of a basketball that has been dribbled while sad?' The answer was of course four ounces heavier than normal, because sorrow has mass. Roy Dean therefore wins a hand-tooled leather wall hanging of an eagle crying! Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Zeus's name. Forgive me. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'