My dream NFL team — american_football_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Kansas City Burnt-Ends

29-48 (L)

Loss of four. Jahmyr Gibbs makes the stop, the chains do not move, and their sideline is already talking about field goal range. Jahmyr Gibbs folded that pocket like a lawn chair, and the opposing quarterback never saw the ceiling coming down. Splits the uprights. Kansas City Burnt-Ends settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

The throw from Lamar Jackson is a foot outside where it needs to be, and Anthony Edwards turns it into a completion anyway. Anthony Edwards strikes it, both arms go straight up behind the goalposts, and this crowd gets the three points it came down here for.

Anthony Edwards spins the ball on the turf, drops to a crouch, and stares at it like it owes him an explanation. It spins for a genuinely absurd amount of time. The crowd counts along. When it finally falls over, seventy thousand people yell at once and Anthony Edwards walks off without looking back.

Myles Garrett jogs backwards asking the official what exactly he was supposed to do out there. The referee already has the microphone down. Screen pass, one missed tackle at the thirty, and Kansas City Burnt-Ends is gone. That is a fundamentals problem, and the fundamentals are ours to fix.

Yellow laundry deep in the secondary, and it is on Myles Garrett. Pass interference, and the ball travels all the way down to the twenty. They came back to the inside zone that worked in the first quarter. Anthony Edwards adjusted the fit, took the cutback lane away, and it died on contact.

He is UNBLOCKABLE right now! Joe Thuney is in the backfield again and their offensive coordinator just slammed the call sheet down! Illegal substitution. Joe Thuney is caught halfway to the sideline at the snap, and the flag is out immediately. Back shoulder fade at the pylon, and Kansas City Burnt-Ends comes down with it over a defender who had inside leverage and nothing behind him. Perfectly placed, and this one is on us.

The tablets come out. Ben Wallace and the quarterback are heads down over the coverage looks. The field crew is racing the clock. Build a stage, play a show, and make every last cable disappear before the officials come back out. And now, our halftime TV game show Jeopar-Deep Zone! To win a fifty-yard tape measure that stops without explanation at forty-one, text BLITZ to 555-0026 and answer this question: 'How much does a laminated play sheet weigh after a rainstorm?' The sidelines are stacked and standing. Kickoff.

Lamar Jackson pulled the emergency brake with the front wheel already off the cliff. Expensive, sure, but the bus is still on the road. There is the CREASE! Lamar Jackson bounces off the seal and gets all the way to the numbers before the safety can close! Everybody in the building tracks the flight, nobody breathes, and then Lamar Jackson hears the roar behind him. Good from 52.

Ten push-ups in the end zone, one for every yard of the run, and Lamar Jackson counts them out loud with the front row counting back. Trent Williams sits on his back for the last four. He finishes them anyway. The crowd noise on rep ten is the loudest thing this building has produced all year.

Perfect technique from Giannis Antetokounmpo -- he plays the ball, not the man, and there is not a flag anywhere on this field. Run the tape back on the substitution: Joe Thuney steps in, the call changes, and nobody waves him back. That is the whole penalty in one clip. Play action freezes our linebackers, the tight end slips out behind them, and Kansas City Burnt-Ends scores with nobody in the picture. That is a bust, plain and simple.

This is the discipline that keeps drives breathing. Lamar Jackson got all the way to his fourth read and never once looked rushed. The defense sold out on the blitz. Jahmyr Gibbs counted the rushers pre-snap, and this is the exact call you make when they bring seven. TOUCHDOWN! Lamar Jackson puts it on a rope and Shaquille O'Neal squeezes it in with a defender draped all over his back! This is where seasons get decided -- one snap, no safety net, and Lamar Jackson with the ball across the plane. Two.

Shaquille O'Neal digs a red challenge flag out of his own sock and throws it on his own touchdown. He signals for a review of himself, hands squared into a box, completely serious about it. The referee looks at the flag lying on the turf for a long moment and then simply walks away from it. Lamar Jackson picks it up and throws it again.

BOOM! Giannis Antetokounmpo comes off the edge untouched and puts the opposing quarterback in the dirt for a loss of nine! Giannis Antetokounmpo lost the deep third, panicked at the catch point and got his hand in early. That is a spot foul every single week. Ohhh, that one hurts. Kansas City Burnt-Ends runs the same counter they have run all afternoon, the backside end crashes again, and it is a touchdown.

OH, THAT IS A GIFT AND HE UNWRAPPED IT! Joe Thuney with the pick, and the whole sideline is coming over the bench! That ball dropped in like a key sliding into a lock, and Joe Thuney was standing in the end zone before this crowd got its hands up. Big touchdown, big celebration, and then the basketball player quietly comes on to file the paperwork. Point is good.

Dunking the football over the crossbar has been illegal for a decade and Joe Thuney does it anyway, cleanly, two-handed, hanging for a beat. The flag comes out. The crowd does not care about the flag. Neither, from the look of him, does the head coach, who is very deliberately looking somewhere else.

BOTH BENCHES ARE EMPTY! Bodies pouring onto the field around midfield, and Jahmyr Gibbs is dead center in the pile. Field position, then penalties, then the score. Kansas City Burnt-Ends has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

This place is SHAKING! Jahmyr Gibbs has been living in that backfield all night and every soul in here knows it! Pinned inside the one after that punt, they never got a chance to breathe. Jahmyr Gibbs makes the tackle in the end zone. Two on the board.

Jahmyr Gibbs mimes a cigar length of a forearm and Shaquille O'Neal arrives to cup both hands around an invisible match. The lighting takes a while -- there is wind in the end zone, apparently. Jahmyr Gibbs takes one enormous pull, tips his head back, and blows a plume of nothing straight up at the lights. The Kansas City Burnt-Ends bench watches all of it and does not enjoy a second of it.

Six for Kansas City Burnt-Ends. Nobody carried the crosser, and that was a walk-in from twelve yards out.

Right down the middle from thirty-four. Kansas City Burnt-Ends caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

In stride! Lamar Jackson hits Anthony Edwards on the move, and that is the throw defensive coordinators lose sleep over. Lamar Jackson heaves it from midfield, the thing hangs up there for four full seconds, and Anthony Edwards RIPS IT OUT OF THE PILE IN THE BACK OF THE END ZONE!

Ten push-ups in the end zone, one for every yard of the run, and Anthony Edwards counts them out loud with the front row counting back. Giannis Antetokounmpo sits on his back for the last four. He finishes them anyway. The crowd noise on rep ten is the loudest thing this building has produced all year.

Giannis Antetokounmpo takes the podium and answers every question in four words. Rudy Gobert does not take the podium at all. And here is the answer to our game Jeopar-Deep Zone! Nadine Frankenberry of Rooster Ridge, Missouri, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much does a laminated play sheet weigh after a rainstorm?' The answer was of course eleven pounds, most of it decisions the coach now regrets. Nadine takes home a fifty-yard tape measure that stops without explanation at forty-one! I stepped outside for air at halftime and locked myself out. A ball boy let me back in. I owe that kid. See you at the next one. And now, 'Say Yes to the Dress: Finding Pants That Still Fit.' Tears expected.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Champagne-Corks

21-13 (W)

Delay of game on the road offense. Trent Williams raises his arms one more time and the noise goes up another notch.

That is a violent arrival. Giannis Antetokounmpo gets there at the same instant as the football and the receiver hears every bit of it -- they will not be throwing many more his way tonight. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Miami Champagne-Corks, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

Textbook situational football from Lamar Jackson: work the sideline, get out of bounds, keep the timeouts in his pocket for the red zone. Empty backfield, single high, and Lamar Jackson rips it into the window before the mike linebacker can open his hips. Efficient and a little mean.

Start with the double team on the nose tackle -- that is why Jahmyr Gibbs gets a clean crease. Inside zone, run exactly the way it is drawn. Screen to the right from Jahmyr Gibbs, blockers out in front, brought down after a gain of fourteen. There are never any cameras on the part of the day where a film producer lifts something heavy. Tonight there were about forty of them, and he lifted it anyway. The loneliest job in football is the one where making it earns you nothing, and Lamar Jackson just made it again.

Ball goes under the arm, Shaquille O'Neal sprints straight to the Miami Champagne-Corks logo at midfield and plants both feet on it, arms wide. Their entire sideline comes off the bench at once. Officials sprint in. Anthony Edwards gets there first and drags him off the paint by the jersey while the home crowd screams for blood.

SCOOP AND SCORE! Jahmyr Gibbs with the least graceful twenty-eight yards of his entire career and by some distance the most important! Through the uprights! Myles Garrett adds the point after and the lead grows by one.

Jahmyr Gibbs mimes an enormous phone call from behind the goalpost, pointing at the ball, nodding seriously, holding up one finger to ask the crowd for quiet. Nobody quiets. He says a few words into his hand and hangs up. Joe Thuney takes the imaginary phone next and gets flagged for a call that lasted too long.

Halftime. The coordinator upstairs is already on the headset with Myles Garrett's position group. Intel: Myles Garrett once bet a teammate on hitting the mascot with a football from midfield. Lost. Badly. And now, our halftime TV game show Parking Lot Wipeout! To win a season parking pass for a lot that was paved over in 2004, text BLITZ to 555-0417 and answer this question: 'How many parking spaces are in a lot where every space is somehow already taken?' The players stream back onto the field. The third quarter begins right now.

Four-man rush, nobody blitzed. Ben Wallace wins a one-on-one in under two and a half seconds, and that is how you wreck a game plan. Freeze it at the stem -- Ben Wallace does not bite on the double move, keeps his eyes on the hip, and turns to run before the receiver does. A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Miami Champagne-Corks stretches the lead.

Pure technique breakdown: Jahmyr Gibbs never got his head around, and in this league that is a guaranteed thirty-yard donation. The basketball player shut that gap the way he shuts up shop at the end of a shift: everything locked, nobody getting in.

Third and 8, empty backfield, and Giannis Antetokounmpo takes him down before the route concept ever develops. Punt team. Grabbing on late and hoping for mercy -- the basketball player has talked his way out of worse, but never out of a spot foul. Second time in three drives. Miami Champagne-Corks punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

That is a coverage disguise and a half. Giannis Antetokounmpo shows two-high, spins down into the flat, and the opposing quarterback throws it right to him.

POUNDED it in there! Jahmyr Gibbs through the B-gap with the pads low, and the chains are moving again. The chain crew jogs out, the referee pulls it tight, and an entire stadium leans in with them. The arm goes forward -- Jahmyr Gibbs moved the sticks. Second and 7, Jahmyr Gibbs catches the snap in the gun and fires the quick game out to Anthony Edwards for a gain of six. Chains keep crawling.

Stone hands on first down. Ja'Marr Chase is going to see that one on the flight home, over and over. The basketball player has been kicking all afternoon and then drops a strike on fourth down. Hidden talents, revealed at the worst possible moment for the other sideline. Play action, quick game off it from Lamar Jackson, and Giannis Antetokounmpo has a free release into the flat with nobody within five yards. Six on the board. Giannis Antetokounmpo converts. Seven points on the drive.

Two linemen plant themselves on the goal line with their arms straight up as uprights, and Rudy Gobert snaps the ball back through his legs. Giannis Antetokounmpo kicks it clean between them and holds the follow-through, one leg up, chin high. The actual kicker is twenty yards away with his actual holder, waiting to do this for real. Both officials signal the imaginary kick good before they can stop themselves.

TAKE IT DOWN! Lamar Jackson goes to a knee at the 30 and this place is already singing!

Anthony Edwards sprints the length of the field with the game ball. Lamar Jackson chases him the whole way and never gains a yard. And here is the answer to our game Parking Lot Wipeout! Sue Ellen Rickenbacker of Gravel Lot, Kansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many parking spaces are in a lot where every space is somehow already taken?' The answer was of course four hundred, and three hundred and ninety-nine of them belong to the same truck. Sue Ellen takes home a season parking pass for a lot that was paved over in 2004! Confession: I still cannot pronounce Anthony Edwards's last name correctly. I have had two weeks. My apologies to the entire family. Good night from everybody here. Next: 'The Repair Shop: A Lamp Nobody Wanted in the First Place.'

Matchday 3 — vs Cleveland Blank-Helmets

19-12 (W)

Heavy set, extra lineman, Shaquille O'Neal behind the fullback for two. Ball spotted on the one-yard line. This was a numbers game and the offense won it before the snap: an extra hat at the point of attack and Shaquille O'Neal untouched from eleven yards out. Giannis Antetokounmpo looks at the holder, the holder looks at the grass, and neither of them has one useful thing to offer the other.

Shaquille O'Neal turns to the corner section, lifts both arms slowly, and starts a wave. It clears the end zone, climbs the upper deck, comes all the way around the far side and finds him again, and he sends it straight back out. Three full laps. The extra point unit is standing on the field and the officials are waiting and nobody in this building is willing to be the one who lets it die.

That is veteran nerve from Lamar Jackson. He waited to the last possible tick to see if the defense would tip its hand, and when it did not, he ate the timeout. Off tackle it is, the tight end seals the edge, and Lamar Jackson is into the second level untouched! The punt team already had one foot on the field. Lamar Jackson sends them back to the bench with three points instead.

Fourth and 4, they go to their number one, and Joe Thuney says absolutely not. Ball on the ground, ball back to us. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Cleveland Blank-Helmets adds three and this becomes a chess match.

The interior of that defensive line is getting worn down, and Jahmyr Gibbs is the reason. Every carry has moved the pile the same direction. Measurement on the field. It is a first down. Jahmyr Gibbs with the carry, and the drive continues. LOOK at that pocket! Jahmyr Gibbs has built a living room back there and his quarterback is choosing a target at his own pace!

Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. Cleveland Blank-Helmets is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

Halftime. The equipment staff swaps Joe Thuney into a dry pair of cleats. Did you know? Joe Thuney has never watched a single replay of his own rookie season. Not one snap. And now, our halftime TV game show Trading Sheds! To win your neighbor's shed, fully redecorated without your consent, text BLITZ to 555-2581 and answer this question: 'How long does it take two neighbors to argue about a fence during a football game?' On paper the second half is a coin flip. On grass it is about to get decided.

SAFETY! Rudy Gobert runs the arc, catches the opposing quarterback on his back foot and drops him in his own end zone -- two points!

BLOWN UP IN THE BACKFIELD! Jahmyr Gibbs shoots the A-gap and drops him four yards behind the line of scrimmage! Second and long just got worse. Jahmyr Gibbs with the sack, seven yards back, and the chains are a memory. It is up, and it is through. Three more for Cleveland Blank-Helmets, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

Second and 9. Ben Wallace stuffs it for a yard. Their ground game has averaged next to nothing since halftime. The basketball player did not just finish the job, he took the football home with him. In most trades they call that a bonus. Clean pocket, seven step drop, no help underneath. Anthony Edwards beats the jam at the line and separates late down the numbers. Fifty-plus in the air. The analytics chart said go for two. Anthony Edwards just made that chart look like a genius.

The pulling guard never found him. Myles Garrett shot the crease, met the ball carrier in the hole, and drove him back into his own backfield. Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. Cleveland Blank-Helmets takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

That is a green-dog by Trent Williams: their back stays in to protect, so he converts to rush and hits the A-gap before the guard can turn his head. Turnover! Ja'Marr Chase punches it out at the top of the drop, then falls on his own mess at the 31-yard line. That is the nightmare for a defensive coordinator. You cover it perfectly for four full seconds and Ja'Marr Chase slips out the side of the pocket and takes the first down himself.

Every pursuit angle out there was built for a run to the field, and Jahmyr Gibbs made all of them worthless with one step. Jahmyr Gibbs widens his base, shields the defender with his frame without ever putting a hand on him, and takes the football at its highest point. Some receivers just operate at a different altitude. They stunted the interior, got penetration on the right guard, and Jahmyr Gibbs had no chance -- that ball was dead the moment it left his foot.

One thing left to do and exactly one way to ruin it. Lamar Jackson has both hands wrapped around the football and both knees ready. He does not fumble an ending.

Myles Garrett does the worm on the turf. Jahmyr Gibbs tries the same thing and discovers turf burn. And here is the answer to our game show Trading Sheds! Georgia Pearl Vandusen of Chicken Bristle, Ohio, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long does it take two neighbors to argue about a fence during a football game?' The answer was of course eleven minutes, or until somebody mentions the survey. Georgia Pearl therefore wins your neighbor's shed, fully redecorated without your consent! The press box elevator has been broken since August. Nine flights, every week, all season. My calves say hello. That's it from us. Up next: 'Wheel of Fortune: Every Puzzle Is a Wi-Fi Password.'

Matchday 4 — vs New Orleans Bag-Heads

20-16 (W)

THAT IS A WALL! Joe Thuney and the front seven meet them square at the point of attack, and there is no crease to be found! The opposing quarterback held it one beat too long, and Ben Wallace made him pay twice -- once for the loss, once for the football. Beautiful setup by Ben Wallace -- he sells the deep drop, lets the edge rusher sprint himself into irrelevance, and drops it into a three-lineman escort.

Giannis Antetokounmpo times the jump perfectly, high points the football, and holds on through the contact. That is a fifty-fifty ball that was never fifty-fifty. Giannis Antetokounmpo stems inside, snaps it back out, and the ball is ALREADY there. Twelve yards, and he catches it with both feet in the end zone. The basketball player has never once been thanked for the last step of anything. He puts it through and gets a pat on the helmet from the long snapper.

Incomplete. Trent Williams breaks it up on third down, and the punt unit starts to jog on. That is the third field goal of the day for New Orleans Bag-Heads. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

Our coach burns a timeout to ice the New Orleans Bag-Heads kicker, and it works. He drills the first one, then pulls the one that counts, and we get the ball back with the score unchanged. Snap, hitch, THROW! Lamar Jackson puts it on the numbers of Ja'Marr Chase and this offense has found a heartbeat! Third quarter, twenty-first carry, and Ja'Marr Chase is still falling forward at the end of every single one of them.

Ben Wallace met that running back in a phone booth, and there was only ever room for one of them. Sack number, oh, does it even matter now? Ben Wallace gets there AGAIN, and their right tackle is still looking for his helmet. We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for New Orleans Bag-Heads, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

Off the field. Anthony Edwards shakes hands with a side judge on the way up the tunnel. The mascot is doing donuts on a four-wheeler near the twenty and security has decided to allow it. And now, our halftime TV game show The Price Is Right Guard! To win a foam wedge of cheese with a bite already taken out of it by a previous owner, text BLITZ to 555-0284 and answer this question: 'What is the retail price of one single yard, purchased separately?' Second half. Two quarters left and this one has plenty left in it.

PANCAKE! Ben Wallace puts his man flat on his back and Jahmyr Gibbs runs straight through the crater! Jahmyr Gibbs pulled, found the only defender who actually mattered, and put him on skates. Shaquille O'Neal handled the easy part after that. It is a redwood forest in there and Shaquille O'Neal keeps trying to throw a fastball through the branches. Off the foot of Jahmyr Gibbs and that ball is DYING at the two! Pinned. Absolutely pinned in the shadow of their own goal post.

Second one of the half. Lamar Jackson is throwing from the short hash and that front has the passing lanes memorized now. Fourth and long turns into a gift when Ja'Marr Chase strikes it like that. Their offense starts inside the 15 and the noise in here climbs another notch. First man to the loose football, and the basketball player covers it the way he would cover a spill before it spreads any further. The basketball player puts that defender away one-handed, with the flat authority he normally saves for somebody standing exactly where they should not be.

Myles Garrett hit that pile like a dropped anchor, and the entire run game stopped moving right there. Right down the middle from thirty-four. New Orleans Bag-Heads caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

Lamar Jackson gives him a chance and that is the whole requirement. Two men go up, Ja'Marr Chase comes down with it. Ja'Marr Chase used that back pylon like a fence post -- plant, turn, and the football arrived like it had an appointment. The basketball player has made that same small motion ten thousand times. Number ten thousand and one sails right of the upright.

Two linemen plant themselves on the goal line with their arms straight up as uprights, and Anthony Edwards snaps the ball back through his legs. Ja'Marr Chase kicks it clean between them and holds the follow-through, one leg up, chin high. The actual kicker is twenty yards away with his actual holder, waiting to do this for real. Both officials signal the imaginary kick good before they can stop themselves.

OH, THE BALL IS OUT! Rudy Gobert takes the arm on the way down and the football is loose -- AND WE HAVE IT! OVER THE TOP! Rudy Gobert goes airborne from the one and comes down with the nose of the football across the plane -- touchdown! The 33-yard extra point stopped being free a long time ago, but Ben Wallace still treats it like it is. Right down the pipe.

Back-shoulder, and Trent Williams smells it coming. He plants, opens the hips, and knocks it away in the corner of the end zone. Five yards marched off. Giannis Antetokounmpo was the twelfth man, and a third and 6 just turned into third and 1 for them. And the flag gets picked up. New Orleans Bag-Heads keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

They have one timeout left and Shaquille O'Neal is forcing them to spend it. Nothing outside the numbers, nothing near the boundary, nothing that stops that clock.

Trent Williams throws his mouthguard into the stands. Then remembers he has to pay for those. And here is the answer to our game The Price Is Right Guard! Chester Poffenbarger of Muffler Springs, Indiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the retail price of one single yard, purchased separately?' The answer was of course four dollars and ten cents, though they will not sell you fewer than three. Chester takes home a foam wedge of cheese with a bite already taken out of it by a previous owner! I lost my credential somewhere between the parking lot and the elevator. Security walked me up. Security also walked me down. Good night, and drive safe. Coming up: 'Gold Rush: Looking for the Second Sock.' No gold is found.

Matchday 5 — vs Minnesota Silver-Horns

41-37 (W)

Look at the get-off from Shaquille O'Neal -- he is two yards upfield before the center's hand leaves the football. You cannot block that. Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. Minnesota Silver-Horns takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

Jahmyr Gibbs is wrestling a couch up a stairwell out there. Ugly, heavy, and it always ends up where it was going. THAT IS GOOD, AND IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING ELSE! Jahmyr Gibbs from 29 and that ball never wobbles once.

Helmet off, Jahmyr Gibbs looks up into a stadium doing something he will remember when he is eighty, and he just turns a full slow circle taking it in. No pose, no gesture, nothing for the cameras. Lamar Jackson stands beside him with a hand on his shoulder pad and lets him have it. The loudest sixty seconds of anybody's season, and neither of them says a word.

The hands tell the whole story -- Ben Wallace chops, rips underneath the outside shoulder, and the pocket collapses from the top down. The basketball player was handed the single hardest assignment on this field and treated it like an ordinary shift. No drama, no safety help, no completions. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Minnesota Silver-Horns adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Heavy personnel, six offensive linemen, and there was no mystery whatsoever about the call. Did not matter: Shaquille O'Neal follows the fullback and gets it in. The basketball player stands there while a room full of officials studies his work in slow motion. Everybody gets a performance review; his is running on the videoboard. They came at it from four different angles trying to take it away from the basketball player, and all four angles said the same thing: six points. Hold is upright, the spot never moves an inch, and Joe Thuney hits it flush. Nothing about that operation was rushed.

Pre-snap ownership. Lamar Jackson counted six in the box, slid the line to the left, and turned a bad call into a good one before a single man moved. Look at the break -- Giannis Antetokounmpo drops his weight at fifteen and comes out of it dead flat, and Lamar Jackson already has the football in the air before his man turns his head. This is what happens when you play that soft on third and three. Lamar Jackson takes the free completion, Giannis Antetokounmpo makes the first man miss, and the alley is empty. Lamar Jackson taps the point after through and this one is academic. Seven on the board.

Second quarter finished. Ben Wallace limps three steps, decides he does not like that, and jogs the rest. Backstage: the artist's manager is arguing about the length of the runway. The runway is not moving. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase From Behind! To win a golf cart with a documented top speed of walking, text BLITZ to 555-0058 and answer this question: 'How fast can a man in a foam wedge hat cross a field before security takes an interest?' The returner takes it at the goal line and decides to bring it out. Here we go.

Gain of nothing. Joe Thuney with the stop, and they are staring at third and long all over again. Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. Minnesota Silver-Horns is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

Every route downfield was covered. Lamar Jackson threw it to the one man in the stadium who was not, and the offense stays on schedule. You can see it in the pad level. Jahmyr Gibbs and the men beside him are coming off the ball lower than that front four, and this fight was decided in the second quarter. That football hung up there long enough for the whole stadium to do the math, and Jahmyr Gibbs was the only man in the building who got the answer right. Trent Williams works so fast that the crowd is still chanting about the touchdown when the football is already through.

Jahmyr Gibbs pounds the ball twice against his chest plate and the sound of it carries. The bench picks it up on the third beat, then the lower bowl, then the whole building -- seventy thousand people stamping the same two hits over and over. Jahmyr Gibbs stands under the goalpost with his arms down and lets a stadium keep time for him. The Minnesota Silver-Horns sideline burns a timeout it cannot afford, purely to make it stop.

The wind at the open end of this place grabs the Minnesota Silver-Horns attempt and the ball dies three yards short of the crossbar. You could hear our bench exhale from the parking lot. Jahmyr Gibbs drops the shoulder and drives the pile to the one! You can hear that collision from the press box! There is no elegance in that play and there is not supposed to be. Eleven bodies pushing in one direction, and Jahmyr Gibbs carries the football to the right side of a white line. The coach keeps the offense out there and it pays -- Lamar Jackson takes the shotgun snap and hits Jahmyr Gibbs on a slant into the end zone. TWO POINTS!

The basketball player showed up in the backfield before the running back did. In his line of work they call that beating the traffic. Twelve men on the field. Rudy Gobert jogs off shaking his head, and the penalty is exactly what it looked like. The chains kept moving and nothing we tried slowed it down. Fourteen plays, seven minutes off the clock, and Minnesota Silver-Horns finishes the drive with six.

Watch this -- Lamar Jackson sees the safety creeping down, kills the run, and checks into a protection that picks the blitz up clean. Second and 6, Lamar Jackson pancakes the three-technique, and the run goes for eleven before anybody touches the ball carrier. The drive dies at the 12, but Shaquille O'Neal makes sure it was not a wasted trip down the field.

Shaquille O'Neal finds the sideline camera, gets right into the lens, and slowly lifts his visor to show one eye. That is the whole celebration. One eye, five seconds, national television. The commentary booth cannot get through a sentence for the rest of the drive.

NO SIR! Rudy Gobert gets a hand in at the last possible instant and that football hits the turf! IT IS A HEADCOUNT! Somebody on this sideline needs a clicker, because the official counted twice before he threw it at Joe Thuney! Minnesota Silver-Horns goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

Pressure off the edge, Lamar Jackson gets outside the numbers and fires it into the third row. He lives to see third down. Prime time, road crowd, and Giannis Antetokounmpo just backed them all the way up to their own goal line. Our sideline is standing on the bench. Muffed punt, recovered by Myles Garrett. Offense takes over at the 28. Third and 6, Myles Garrett completes the shallow cross, and the receiver turns it up inside the sticks for the first down.

Fourth quarter, prime time, and Myles Garrett rips the game right out of their hands. Their quarterback is still on the turf pointing at his own line! Myles Garrett sells the mesh and lets it go flat, and the entire defensive front is running the wrong direction. Clean snap, laces away, and Ja'Marr Chase does exactly what he has done all season from that range. The hold was perfect and he rewarded it.

Jahmyr Gibbs was in a footrace he had already lost, so he tried to slow the traffic. The officials do not accept that excuse. And the flag gets picked up. Minnesota Silver-Horns keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

PICKED OFF! Shaquille O'Neal jumps that route like he called it in their huddle himself! Three grown men tried to stop a film producer from finishing what he started. All three are now sitting on the grass reconsidering the plan. Thirty-two yards is the film producer version of a task he could finish half asleep with one tool missing. Dead center.

Shaquille O'Neal mimes lifting an enormous, impossibly heavy trophy off the turf -- knees bent, back straight, veins popping. It takes him four seconds to get it overhead. Rudy Gobert spots him like a training partner. They parade it around the end zone and hand it, ceremonially, to the referee, who does not accept it.

The head coach grabs Jahmyr Gibbs by the shoulder pads and physically turns him toward the tunnel. That is what leadership looks like once everything has gone sideways. Second time in three drives. Minnesota Silver-Horns punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

Nothing downfield, so Lamar Jackson takes the safe money and drops it to the back in the flat. Six yards is not a headline, but it is a manageable third down. Two yards, then two more. The film producer runs out a clock the way he runs out the last hour of a shift: steadily, and without checking his phone. Two men, one football, one very small window. The film producer makes that exchange the way you hand somebody a full mug on a moving train. One wobble and it is a disaster, and there was no wobble.

Rudy Gobert launches his gloves into the crowd. Lamar Jackson launches his towel. Ben Wallace launches a cleat, which becomes an issue. And here is the answer to our game The Chase From Behind! Georgette Knabenshue of Sideline, Utah, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How fast can a man in a foam wedge hat cross a field before security takes an interest?' The answer was of course nine seconds, and security only jogs for the first four of them. Georgette takes home a golf cart with a documented top speed of walking! I spent this game trying to remember where I parked. I have narrowed it down to two lots. Good night. Next up: 'Property Brothers: They Argue the Entire Time and Nothing Gets Built.'

Matchday 6 — vs Denver Orange-Barrels

39-33 (W)

This place is SHAKING! Jahmyr Gibbs has been living in that backfield all night and every soul in here knows it! Their sideline is out of ideas. Jahmyr Gibbs shadows the route, the quarterback checks it down for two, and the chains stay right where they are. Right down the middle from thirty-four. Denver Orange-Barrels caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

The clock is melting and Lamar Jackson is the calmest man in this stadium. HOW did he get that off?! Ja'Marr Chase hangs in a collapsing pocket with a rusher in his facemask, turns it loose at the last tick, and Lamar Jackson hauls it in for six! Rudy Gobert jogs on, kicks it through, jogs off. If you blinked you missed the whole thing, and that is exactly the idea.

Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Denver Orange-Barrels, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

Lamar Jackson gets it batted down at the line of scrimmage. Incomplete, third and 6. No outkicked coverage here: Myles Garrett gets it away in 1.9 seconds and the gunners arrive before the football does. Turnover on special teams! Nobody blocked anybody on that play; Giannis Antetokounmpo simply wanted the football more, and the offense inherits plus territory. Hands inside, hips under, drive through. Giannis Antetokounmpo wins the leverage battle at the snap and that defensive tackle is now a spectator on the turf.

Two-gap discipline from Joe Thuney: he holds his ground, sheds the double team late, and makes the tackle right on the football. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Denver Orange-Barrels adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Halftime break. An assistant hands Joe Thuney a tablet with every snap of the first half loaded up. The pyro cues fire two full seconds early. Somebody in a production truck is having a rough afternoon. And now, our halftime TV game show Press Coverage Your Luck! To win a stadium seat cushion with a stranger's initials burned into it, text BLITZ to 555-0429 and answer this question: 'How loud is a stadium that is being politely quiet?' The kicker raises a hand. The whistle is coming and the second half starts now.

You can hear this crowd come up out of their seats. Lamar Jackson is in a groove and Ja'Marr Chase is running free between the numbers. He has GOT the corner! Their edge defender is on the ground, their safety takes the wrong angle, and nobody touches Ja'Marr Chase until the numbers! Ja'Marr Chase went into that pile the way you wade into cold surf, and he came out the other side dragging two defenders across the line with him. The loneliest job in football is the one where making it earns you nothing, and Rudy Gobert just made it again.

Ja'Marr Chase mimes an enormous phone call from behind the goalpost, pointing at the ball, nodding seriously, holding up one finger to ask the crowd for quiet. Nobody quiets. He says a few words into his hand and hangs up. Anthony Edwards takes the imaginary phone next and gets flagged for a call that lasted too long.

Second and 14. Giannis Antetokounmpo with the tackle for loss, and that play call goes straight in the garbage. Nobody on that offensive line got the memo they had a basketball player booked for the afternoon. Two seconds of work, one flattened pocket. It is up, and it is through. Three more for Denver Orange-Barrels, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

Timeout at 0:01 on the play clock, second one of the half. Lamar Jackson keeps the football and the down, and they will reset the call. Second and six, Lamar Jackson off the right hip of the tackle, gain of seven. First down, and the chains are on the move again. From 51, on the road, into the open end of this stadium. Lamar Jackson makes it. Three points.

Dunking the football over the crossbar has been illegal for a decade and Lamar Jackson does it anyway, cleanly, two-handed, hanging for a beat. The flag comes out. The crowd does not care about the flag. Neither, from the look of him, does the head coach, who is very deliberately looking somewhere else.

Interception, Jahmyr Gibbs, at the 40. Our offense comes back out with a short field and a live crowd. Third and seven from the twelve. They empty the backfield, the mike vacates the middle, and Jahmyr Gibbs finds the soft spot behind the linebackers for the score. The 33-yard extra point stopped being free a long time ago, but Giannis Antetokounmpo still treats it like it is. Right down the pipe.

Slow, deliberate, ceremonial: Jahmyr Gibbs places the football on the goal line, straightens it twice, then steps back and salutes it. The bench salutes with him. Fourteen men at attention over a football. The referee has to break the formation up personally.

A film producer lives and dies by timing, and he was a tenth of a second early on that one. Pass knocked down, drive stalled. This one is on the headsets, not the player. Ja'Marr Chase was sent out for a package that got waved off two seconds too late. Denver Orange-Barrels goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

Boot away from the fake, Lamar Jackson squares his shoulders on the move, and Giannis Antetokounmpo is uncovered in the seam. That is a coordinator earning his paycheck. The basketball player was asked for five yards and quietly delivered twenty-five more. Call it pride, call it showing off, either way the chains moved. TAKE THE TOP OFF! Lamar Jackson steps into the throw and hits Giannis Antetokounmpo in stride at the twenty-five with nothing but painted grass in front of him! Ja'Marr Chase works so fast that the crowd is still chanting about the touchdown when the football is already through.

Rudy Gobert gets hauled out of the middle of it along with a body from the other side. The flags offset, the consequences do not. Field position, then penalties, then the score. Denver Orange-Barrels has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

Textbook from Giannis Antetokounmpo: he never goes for the body, he goes for the tomahawk on the throwing arm. Coaches run that clip on a loop. Third and one and they keep it on the ground. Giannis Antetokounmpo slides off the double team and stretches the football over the goal line. Watch the design: two receivers clear out the short zone, Lamar Jackson holds the safety with his eyes, and Ja'Marr Chase walks into a vacated end zone.

Two linemen plant themselves on the goal line with their arms straight up as uprights, and Ja'Marr Chase snaps the ball back through his legs. Giannis Antetokounmpo kicks it clean between them and holds the follow-through, one leg up, chin high. The actual kicker is twenty yards away with his actual holder, waiting to do this for real. Both officials signal the imaginary kick good before they can stop themselves.

The basketball player clocked in, walked straight through the left tackle, and clocked the opposing quarterback out. Ten yards of paid overtime. A stop was one snap away, and now Ben Wallace has handed the other sideline field position it did nothing to earn. Second time in three drives. Denver Orange-Barrels punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

GRIND IT OUT! Jahmyr Gibbs drops the pads, falls forward, and that defense can do nothing but watch the scoreboard bleed! Jahmyr Gibbs waits, waits, and then goes. Patience on a draw is the difference between two yards and twenty, and he had all of it.

Ja'Marr Chase takes the microphone from the field reporter and thanks his high school coach by name. Twice. And here is the answer to our game Press Coverage Your Luck! Reba Nell Sowash of Static Hill, Tennessee, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How loud is a stadium that is being politely quiet?' The answer was of course ninety-four decibels, which in this county is considered a whisper. Reba Nell takes home a stadium seat cushion with a stranger's initials burned into it! I have not felt my toes since the thirty-minute mark. I will report back in the spring. That's a wrap on tonight. And now, 'Cold Case: The Umbrella I Left on a Train in 2019.'

Matchday 7 — vs Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard

24-18 (W)

He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Shaquille O'Neal recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

Jahmyr Gibbs takes the handoff, hits the A-gap, and there is NOBODY bringing him down at first contact! Five hard ones! Watch the plant foot -- Jahmyr Gibbs puts it right beside the ball, no lean, no hook. Inside 40 that is a rehearsed motion, not a kick.

The touchdown is barely over the line before Jahmyr Gibbs is on one knee, ball held out in front of him, proposing to Lamar Jackson. Lamar Jackson covers his mouth with both hands, nods, then falls backward into the arms of three linemen. This is a bit they have run since training camp and it kills every single time.

HE GOT A PIECE OF IT! Joe Thuney arrives with the football, and their receiver is still asking for a flag that is never coming! Third and 8, empty backfield, and Trent Williams takes him down before the route concept ever develops. Punt team. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard adds three and this becomes a chess match.

The rusher brought a spin, a rip and a plan. Joe Thuney brought better feet, and that is the entire story of this drive. Fourth and 6 at the 15, field goal unit on, Joe Thuney converts from 33. Three points.

Sack number, oh, does it even matter now? Jahmyr Gibbs gets there AGAIN, and their right tackle is still looking for his helmet. THEY CANNOT FIND HIM! Jahmyr Gibbs is in his back pocket and their quarterback has come off him to the checkdown four straight snaps! That is the third field goal of the day for Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

Offense in one corner, defense in the other. Trent Williams has the marker and the whiteboard. Little scoop: Trent Williams sold t-shirts out of a car trunk before the draft. Cleared about forty dollars total. And now, our halftime TV game show Deal or No Huddle! To win a coaching headset that only picks up a country station three states over, text BLITZ to 555-0345 and answer this question: 'What is the real snap count if nobody in the huddle is listening?' Second half. The sideline heaters are glowing and the intensity is back up.

This is a street fight in a phone booth, and Jahmyr Gibbs is winning it a yard at a time. He STUCK it in there! Not one inch of daylight anywhere on that line and Jahmyr Gibbs finds a way through it anyway! Two-point conversion attempt is no good. Giannis Antetokounmpo tackled at the one.

Jahmyr Gibbs points at the scoreboard and then stands there, waiting for his own name to come up on it. The operator is half a minute behind and the board is still showing a third down that no longer exists. Seventy thousand people end up staring at a blank scoreboard alongside him, and when the letters finally land the noise is bigger than it was for the touchdown. Giannis Antetokounmpo has been beside him the entire time, pointing at nothing at all.

That catch only exists because of hours when nobody was watching, and Anthony Edwards has clearly put them in. Big body, soft hands, zero complaints. Every crew has a basketball player exactly like that, and every crew would fall apart without him. NO GOOD?! THE EXTRA POINT?! Ben Wallace pushes it and this stadium has no idea what it just watched.

Slow, deliberate, ceremonial: Anthony Edwards places the football on the goal line, straightens it twice, then steps back and salutes it. The bench salutes with him. Fourteen men at attention over a football. The referee has to break the formation up personally.

Beautiful key read. Trent Williams sees the guard pull, runs the mesh point down, and meets the back before the handoff is even clean. Splits the uprights. Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

It is all in the punch from Ben Wallace. Perfect timing, gets the rusher hands off his frame, and the arc dies before it ever bends. The corner has position, the corner gets a hand on it, and Ben Wallace takes it off him anyway. Lamar Jackson is going to keep throwing there all night. Off the hands, up in the air, and it comes down in a defensive jersey. Tipped at the line or not, that one goes in the book next to Ben Wallace.

Penetration on the strong side by Joe Thuney, the pulling guard grabs nothing but air, and the whole run concept dies on the hash marks. Second and long just got worse. Joe Thuney with the sack, seven yards back, and the chains are a memory. It is up, and it is through. Three more for Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

PITCH and GO! Jahmyr Gibbs gets outside the last man and he is running down the sideline with an escort! No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Jahmyr Gibbs. Down the middle from 36.

Slow, deliberate, ceremonial: Jahmyr Gibbs places the football on the goal line, straightens it twice, then steps back and salutes it. The bench salutes with him. Fourteen men at attention over a football. The referee has to break the formation up personally.

A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard stretches the lead.

Giannis Antetokounmpo catches that the way you catch a can somebody tosses across a room -- casual, one hand, no ceremony, except a cornerback is hanging off his hip. Giannis Antetokounmpo treats a 31-yarder the way you treat a light switch. Flip it, walk off, three points.

The kicker is the only man still on the sideline, and he is jumping straight up and down by himself with both fists over his head. Nobody is looking at him. He does not care. Giannis Antetokounmpo spots him from the end zone, sprints forty yards back, and tackles him into the bench, and the broadcast stays on the two of them for a full ten seconds.

Hand it to Jahmyr Gibbs, let him take what is there, huddle slow, snap it at two. Repeat until the horn. That is the entire playbook at the moment. Seventy thousand people just made noise about a five-yard run, and that tells you everything -- Jahmyr Gibbs is wearing that defensive front out. SECOND EFFORT from Jahmyr Gibbs! He is stopped, he is not down, and he churns three more feet before the whistle!

Ben Wallace and Trent Williams hoist Lamar Jackson onto their shoulders. He immediately asks to come down. And here is the answer to our game Deal or No Huddle! Junie Fae Sprankle of Cooler Bottom, Iowa, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the real snap count if nobody in the huddle is listening?' The answer was of course whatever the center decides, and he is not telling. Junie Fae takes home a coaching headset that only picks up a country station three states over! I ordered a sandwich in the second quarter. It arrived after the final whistle. Somebody had a rough night in that kitchen. Thanks for the company. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Getting to Gate B47 in Nine Minutes.'

Matchday 8 — vs New England Tuck-Rulers

22-25 (L)

He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Shaquille O'Neal recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. Four-man rush, nobody blitzed. Jahmyr Gibbs wins a one-on-one in under two and a half seconds, and that is how you wreck a game plan. Splits the uprights. New England Tuck-Rulers settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

Three-step drop, hitch route, and Ben Wallace was sitting on it the whole quarter. He has been baiting that throw since the opening series. Outside the tackle box and past the line of scrimmage -- Ben Wallace satisfies both halves of the rule by a comfortable margin and there is not a flag anywhere on this field. Fourth and 9. Ja'Marr Chase pins it at the two. That offense now has 98 yards of real estate in front of it.

Nowhere to go. Ben Wallace plugs the hole and that running back is swallowed up for no gain. We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for New England Tuck-Rulers, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

You want to know why this offense looks unbothered tonight? Watch Joe Thuney on every single snap. Nobody is getting home. Watch the safety bite on the run fake -- that is all Lamar Jackson needed. One high look, one window, Joe Thuney sitting down in the back of the end zone. Big touchdown, big celebration, and then the basketball player quietly comes on to file the paperwork. Point is good.

He is UNBLOCKABLE right now! Myles Garrett is in the backfield again and their offensive coordinator just slammed the call sheet down! Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. New England Tuck-Rulers adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Both sidelines empty out. Jahmyr Gibbs is the last one off the field, still jawing about that final snap. One from the archives: Jahmyr Gibbs once conducted the visiting fight song from the sideline. Nobody stopped it. Nobody has ever explained why. And now, our halftime TV game show Storage Wars Equipment Shed! To win a padlocked equipment shed and absolutely no key to it, text BLITZ to 555-0084 and answer this question: 'What is inside the equipment shed that nobody has opened since 1979?' Everybody is back in position, and the lights feel a little brighter than they did an hour ago.

HE BURIED HIM! Rudy Gobert drove him fifteen yards downfield and finished him flat on his back inside the numbers, and Shaquille O'Neal is STILL running! Fourth quarter, 6.1 yards a carry, and Shaquille O'Neal has won the leverage battle on rep after rep after rep. The pile stops moving and Shaquille O'Neal keeps churning his legs for another half yard anyway. That right there is the difference between three points and six. Rudy Gobert jogs on, kicks it through, jogs off. If you blinked you missed the whole thing, and that is exactly the idea.

Third and 8, empty backfield, and Rudy Gobert takes him down before the route concept ever develops. Punt team. Press at the line, hip to hip down the numbers -- Rudy Gobert takes the release away and the throw never leaves the quarterback's hand. Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. New England Tuck-Rulers is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

That was a full handful of cage. Shaquille O'Neal got steered around like a shopping cart, and the flag came out immediately. Motion, snap, handoff -- Shaquille O'Neal is basically a turnstile on this play, and it only works because the defense has to honor everything else he does. Corner route out of the slot, one on one, no help inside. Giannis Antetokounmpo wins at the top of the stem and the throw beats the safety. Touchdown. Jahmyr Gibbs gets to the pylon and reaches the ball across before the tackler can wrap him up. Two-point conversion is GOOD.

This started with a shove after the whistle and escalated in about two seconds. Ja'Marr Chase is in the middle of it and the crew will be sorting out numbers for five minutes. Play action freezes our linebackers, the tight end slips out behind them, and New England Tuck-Rulers scores with nobody in the picture. That is a bust, plain and simple.

Back-shoulder, and Giannis Antetokounmpo smells it coming. He plants, opens the hips, and knocks it away in the corner of the end zone. Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. New England Tuck-Rulers takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

Penetration on the strong side by Jahmyr Gibbs, the pulling guard grabs nothing but air, and the whole run concept dies on the hash marks. BOOM! Jahmyr Gibbs comes off the edge untouched and puts the opposing quarterback in the dirt for a loss of nine! Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for New England Tuck-Rulers, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

Man coverage cannot survive traffic. Lamar Jackson knows the rub is coming underneath and throws it into the pile with total confidence. The pass from Ja'Marr Chase hangs long enough for every soul in here to write their own ending. Then eighteen arms go up at once and the story is finished.

Ja'Marr Chase sits on the bench in an empty stadium while the crew pulls the pylons. Ben Wallace comes back out for him. And here is the answer to our game Storage Wars Equipment Shed! Rowena Tschudy of Crab Cake Bottom, Maryland, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is inside the equipment shed that nobody has opened since 1979?' The answer was of course tackling dummies, and they have organized. Rowena takes home a padlocked equipment shed and absolutely no key to it! Between quarters I attempted a wall sit behind the monitors. My producer now believes I am unwell. That's it from us. Up next: 'Wheel of Fortune: Every Puzzle Is a Wi-Fi Password.'

Matchday 9 — vs Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing

19-16 (W)

The whole front flows inside and Shaquille O'Neal takes it the other way around the corner. Nobody set the edge, nobody had contain. Shaquille O'Neal does not run away from tacklers. He runs straight through the neighborhood they happen to be standing in. The protection folded inside and Shaquille O'Neal paid for it. Nothing wrong with the leg, everything wrong with the wall in front of it.

Handoff to Jahmyr Gibbs, straight ahead, gain of five. Second and five, clock running. Fourth and 6 at the 15, field goal unit on, Jahmyr Gibbs converts from 33. Three points.

Gain of nothing. Joe Thuney with the stop, and they are staring at third and long all over again. That is the third field goal of the day for Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

This is where the preparation shows up. Lamar Jackson gets his personnel to the line before the defense can substitute, and now they are stuck in base against four receivers.

Splits the uprights. Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

Halftime. Ja'Marr Chase takes a knee by the door while a trainer refills the bottle. Intel: Ja'Marr Chase hid a teammate's helmet at halftime once, and that teammate has not let it go in three seasons. And now, our halftime TV game show Damp Jobs! To win a pressure washer with a hose but no wand, text BLITZ to 555-2471 and answer this question: 'What is the worst job at a stadium after a rainy game?' The officials take their spots. Ball placed, whistle ready, third quarter.

They wanted the seam. Myles Garrett took the seam, took the football, and took eleven yards back the other way before the whistle. One hand, and the wrong hand at that. Myles Garrett takes that football with the off hand, twelve feet in the air, with his momentum carrying him away from the throw. No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Myles Garrett. Down the middle from 36.

Across the field and UP THE SEAM! Lamar Jackson leads Anthony Edwards perfectly and the nearest defender is eight yards behind him! Some quarterbacks force it into a crowd. Anthony Edwards just picks up the coupon the defense left on the table. Nobody hires a film producer for his right leg. Fifty-four yards later, somebody probably should. Straight through, and that sideline detonates.

That is a violent arrival. Giannis Antetokounmpo gets there at the same instant as the football and the receiver hears every bit of it -- they will not be throwing many more his way tonight. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing adds three and this becomes a chess match.

The signal came down from the box far too late. Lamar Jackson could not match the personnel to the look, and there is no shame at all in saving the yardage. Lamar Jackson stutters, the defender freezes, and that is all he needed. Twelve extra yards on a play that should have been dead. FIFTY-FOUR YARDS AND HE HAS THE LEG! Lamar Jackson drills it and this place comes UNGLUED!

The team has one final bit saved for exactly this: Lamar Jackson and Ben Wallace shake hands in absurd slow motion, hold it, then the entire offense collapses to the turf around them in a choreographed heap. Eleven men down, two standing. The referee holds the ball and waits for the dead to rise. They take their time about it, and the stadium does not stop screaming once.

He never stops working -- Joe Thuney has his arm around the pocket before his shoulder pad even lands. That is a hunter's instinct. Joe Thuney climbs the pocket, checks it down to Shaquille O'Neal, wrapped up after a gain of five. Bounce it OUTSIDE! Shaquille O'Neal sees the pursuit overrun the play, hits the sideline and dives at the pylon for the score! Anthony Edwards taps the point after through and this one is academic. Seven on the board.

Shaquille O'Neal jogs to the sideline, taps the chain crew on the shoulder, and asks for a measurement on a ball that crossed the goal line by nine yards. Three men in orange vests look at each other, and then, because nobody tells them not to, they do it -- chain out, stake down, the entire ceremony. The down judge points one arm downfield: first down, and also a touchdown. Shaquille O'Neal accepts the ruling with a small nod and jogs off like a man who simply needed to be sure.

Four-man rush, nobody blitzed. Giannis Antetokounmpo wins a one-on-one in under two and a half seconds, and that is how you wreck a game plan. Fifteen honest minutes of coverage undone by one snap. The basketball player knows all about work that only gets noticed the day it goes wrong. And the flag gets picked up. Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

Second and 8, heavy personnel, Jahmyr Gibbs for three. The play clock is the real weapon in this offense right now.

Jahmyr Gibbs launches his gloves into the crowd. Trent Williams launches his towel. Ja'Marr Chase launches a cleat, which becomes an issue. And here is the answer to our game show Damp Jobs! Harlan Bogucki of Wet Willow Fork, Minnesota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the worst job at a stadium after a rainy game?' The answer was of course anything involving the bottom row of the visiting section. Harlan therefore wins a pressure washer with a hose but no wand! Somebody left a full box of donuts in the booth at halftime. I asked no questions. There are no donuts now. That's our show. Up next: 'Storage Wars: My Parents' Attic.' Bidding starts at nothing.

Matchday 10 — vs Seattle Seismographs

34-35 (L)

Seattle Seismographs goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

Sack, strip, recovery. Giannis Antetokounmpo does all three inside of two seconds, and this drive is dead on arrival. Second and goal from the four. Inside zone, Giannis Antetokounmpo presses the edge, cuts it up underneath and gets in. Touchdown. Lamar Jackson shows the flat route, resets his feet, and delivers to Ja'Marr Chase on the back line. The whole thing takes 2.4 seconds.

Ball goes under the arm, Giannis Antetokounmpo sprints straight to the Seattle Seismographs logo at midfield and plants both feet on it, arms wide. Their entire sideline comes off the bench at once. Officials sprint in. Rudy Gobert gets there first and drags him off the paint by the jersey while the home crowd screams for blood.

Terrific job by Ja'Marr Chase to field that cleanly with a gunner in his facemask, then set up his blocks back toward the field side.

Third and 8, empty backfield, and Jahmyr Gibbs takes him down before the route concept ever develops. Punt team. Interference on Jahmyr Gibbs. Automatic first down, the drive stays alive, and this defense has to line up all over again. Play action freezes our linebackers, the tight end slips out behind them, and Seattle Seismographs scores with nobody in the picture. That is a bust, plain and simple.

Completion down the right sideline from Lamar Jackson, twenty-two yards, and the defender never turned his head around. There is a man out there getting paid a fortune to ruin quarterbacks, and Anthony Edwards has quietly turned him into a jogger. Precision is precision in any trade. The basketball player hit his landmark on the exact step and the football was already waiting for him when he got there. Point after by Trent Williams is no good. The score stays at six on the drive.

Thirteen minutes on the halftime clock. Myles Garrett spends the first two of them under a towel. Fun fact: Myles Garrett once lost a fight with the sideline kicking net. The net remains undefeated in this building. And now, our halftime TV game show Press Coverage Your Luck! To win a stadium seat cushion with a stranger's initials burned into it, text BLITZ to 555-0429 and answer this question: 'How loud is a stadium that is being politely quiet?' Both teams take the field. The chains reset. The story does not.

Lamar Jackson pops straight up and points down at the yellow on the grass, in case one person in the building somehow missed it. This is the answer to pressure: Lamar Jackson gets it out in 1.8 seconds, Ja'Marr Chase sits down in the soft spot of the zone, and the rush never mattered. Corner route out of the slot, one on one, no help inside. Ja'Marr Chase wins at the top of the stem and the throw beats the safety. Touchdown. The 33-yard extra point stopped being free a long time ago, but Joe Thuney still treats it like it is. Right down the pipe.

That is a killer. Myles Garrett turns late, the receiver runs through him, and the flag is in the air before the ball comes down. Field position, then penalties, then the score. Seattle Seismographs has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

Give it to him twenty-two times and this is what you get. Jahmyr Gibbs punished that front all afternoon and cashed it in from six yards out. What a finish. Official review. The Joe Thuney play. Both coordinators are out on the numbers with their call sheets rolled up in a fist. Ninety seconds of doubt, one second of relief. Joe Thuney points up at the crowd and the touchdown counts. Trent Williams works so fast that the crowd is still chanting about the touchdown when the football is already through.

Three receivers set the pylons in a triangle and Joe Thuney bowls the football straight through them. Strike. All three go down. Ben Wallace does the scoreboard signal with both hands while an official jogs in reaching for his flag and the whole bench falls over laughing.

Two sidelines at midfield, punches out on the edges, and Lamar Jackson identified by the officials. That costs yardage and it costs personnel. Screen pass, one missed tackle at the thirty, and Seattle Seismographs is gone. That is a fundamentals problem, and the fundamentals are ours to fix.

This crowd wanted the bomb. Lamar Jackson handed them a first down instead, and the first down is the thing that actually wins games. OVER THE MIDDLE AND STILL STANDING! Giannis Antetokounmpo takes the safety's best shot at the far hash, and Shaquille O'Neal put that throw in the only window that exists! Yards after contact are just overtime, and the basketball player has never once turned down overtime. Ask any film producer about the one small thing he got wrong in front of everybody. He still hears about it. This one loops until Thursday.

Five yards for one extra body. The basketball player is used to being the man they call when they need one more pair of hands, and tonight that was the whole problem. Six for Seattle Seismographs. Nobody carried the crosser, and that was a walk-in from twelve yards out.

MOSSED HIM! Ja'Marr Chase climbs over the top of the defender and rips it away! Lamar Jackson threw it up and let his man go get it! Ja'Marr Chase has made that kick a hundred times on an empty field with nobody watching. He will be back out there tomorrow morning making a hundred more.

Ben Wallace stares at the video board like the number might correct itself. Ja'Marr Chase already knows it will not. And here is the answer to our game Press Coverage Your Luck! Reba Nell Sowash of Static Hill, Tennessee, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How loud is a stadium that is being politely quiet?' The answer was of course ninety-four decibels, which in this county is considered a whisper. Reba Nell takes home a stadium seat cushion with a stranger's initials burned into it! Somebody in the booth next door has been louder than me all night. I am taking that personally. That's all from us. And now, 'Antiques Roadshow: A Charger That Fits Nothing.' Estimated value: zero.

Matchday 11 — vs Pittsburgh Dish-Towels

18-22 (L)

Nobody on that offensive line got the memo they had a basketball player booked for the afternoon. Two seconds of work, one flattened pocket. Erased. Ben Wallace has travelled with their number one all afternoon and that man has not seen a football since the coin toss. A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Pittsburgh Dish-Towels stretches the lead.

The film producer lets the whole room stampede for the exit, waits one beat, and strolls out through the space they left behind. Their best edge rusher, one on one, no chip, no help, and Shaquille O'Neal rides him three yards past the quarterback. That matchup has been settled since the first quarter. THAT IS GOOD, AND IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING ELSE! Shaquille O'Neal from 29 and that ball never wobbles once.

Shaquille O'Neal digs a red challenge flag out of his own sock and throws it on his own touchdown. He signals for a review of himself, hands squared into a box, completely serious about it. The referee looks at the flag lying on the turf for a long moment and then simply walks away from it. Ben Wallace picks it up and throws it again.

That is a violent arrival. Jahmyr Gibbs gets there at the same instant as the football and the receiver hears every bit of it -- they will not be throwing many more his way tonight. Sack number, oh, does it even matter now? Myles Garrett gets there AGAIN, and their right tackle is still looking for his helmet. We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Pittsburgh Dish-Towels, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

MERCY! Jahmyr Gibbs just made a professional tackler look like a man stepping onto ice! HE IS IN! Jahmyr Gibbs takes the handoff, finds the crease in the B-gap and finishes it standing straight up! Lamar Jackson jogs on, kicks it through, jogs off. If you blinked you missed the whole thing, and that is exactly the idea.

Loss of four. Ben Wallace makes the stop, the chains do not move, and their sideline is already talking about field goal range. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Pittsburgh Dish-Towels, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

The horn sounds on the second quarter. Myles Garrett pulls the helmet off before he even reaches the sideline. Intel: Myles Garrett hid a teammate's helmet at halftime once, and that teammate has not let it go in three seasons. And now, our halftime TV game show Doug's Grocery Games! To win a shopping cart filled with items chosen entirely at random, text BLITZ to 555-2448 and answer this question: 'What is the one item every person at a tailgate assumes somebody else brought?' Out they come. The coordinators are already talking into the headsets.

Hands up, ball down, offense jogs back with nothing. Lamar Jackson points at the line, and the right guard just nods. Giannis Antetokounmpo gets every inch of that ball. Sixty-two yards, 5.1 seconds of hang, and the coverage unit is down there waiting like a welcoming committee. IT IS ON THE GROUND! The returner never had it, and Myles Garrett comes flying in to fall on the football at the 31! Our ball! Technically that is perfect: Myles Garrett keeps the ball high and tight in the other arm and never loses a stride doing it.

BLOWN UP IN THE BACKFIELD! Jahmyr Gibbs shoots the A-gap and drops him four yards behind the line of scrimmage! Four-man rush, nobody blitzed. Jahmyr Gibbs wins a one-on-one in under two and a half seconds, and that is how you wreck a game plan. It is up, and it is through. Three more for Pittsburgh Dish-Towels, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

That is vision. The front seven overflows, the backside gap opens for half a second, and Shaquille O'Neal is already standing in it. You can play flawless coverage in this league and lose the down anyway. Shaquille O'Neal just proved it in front of everybody. BLOCKED! A hand comes over the top of the shield and the kick from Shaquille O'Neal never gets above shoulder height.

He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Trent Williams recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. Pittsburgh Dish-Towels takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

Ugly scene. Giannis Antetokounmpo is out of the game, the network has stopped showing replays, and the head coach is walking his own players back one at a time. Play action freezes our linebackers, the tight end slips out behind them, and Pittsburgh Dish-Towels scores with nobody in the picture. That is a bust, plain and simple.

This is the value of travel coverage: Shaquille O'Neal follows him everywhere, so the game plan they built all week is now scrap paper. There must be a training manual for being a film producer, and page one apparently says jump the out route right at the sticks. Fifty-plus yards on one snap. The film producer covered more ground in six seconds than he does in an entire shift, and he is not even breathing hard. They went for two and Lamar Jackson converted it on straight power behind the right guard. Nothing exotic about it, just leverage.

Shaquille O'Neal hurdles a downed defender on the way in, and once he is over the line he turns around and hurdles Joe Thuney for good measure. Joe Thuney was not warned. He was crouching to tie a shoe. This is on every highlight package in the country and it is not even the touchdown that is the story.

THEY GOT IT! Joe Thuney comes up with the onside kick and this football game is not over! That is a jump ball won by wingspan and by sheer stubbornness, and Joe Thuney has an unfair amount of both.

Ben Wallace is the last man off the field. Anthony Edwards is the last man out of the locker room. Two different kinds of last. And here is the answer to our game show Doug's Grocery Games! Earnestine Kluttz of Yellow Bank Crossing, Iowa, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the one item every person at a tailgate assumes somebody else brought?' The answer was of course napkins, and there have never once been napkins. Earnestine therefore wins a shopping cart filled with items chosen entirely at random! The window in front of me fogged over in the third quarter. I called the last twelve minutes off a monitor and instinct. We are signing off for the night. And now, 'MasterChef Junior: A Nine-Year-Old Makes Cereal.' Flawless execution.

Matchday 12 — vs Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof

20-25 (L)

Second and 9. Rudy Gobert stuffs it for a yard. Their ground game has averaged next to nothing since halftime. It is up, and it is through. Three more for Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

And the catch itself is the hard part -- Myles Garrett takes it at full extension with his back to the quarterback and never breaks stride. Most defenders in this league bat that down and call it a good play. Hold is upright, the spot never moves an inch, and Joe Thuney hits it flush. Nothing about that operation was rushed.

He is UNBLOCKABLE right now! Ben Wallace is in the backfield again and their offensive coordinator just slammed the call sheet down! Second and long just got worse. Ben Wallace with the sack, seven yards back, and the chains are a memory. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof adds three and this becomes a chess match.

They keep feeding Jahmyr Gibbs between the tackles, and those linebackers are already a half step slower than they were in the first quarter. No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Jahmyr Gibbs. Down the middle from 36.

Penetration on the strong side by Trent Williams, the pulling guard grabs nothing but air, and the whole run concept dies on the hash marks. Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

Halftime. The shoulder pads come off Myles Garrett and the steam coming off is genuinely visible. Little scoop: Myles Garrett sold t-shirts out of a car trunk before the draft. Cleared about forty dollars total. And now, our halftime TV game show Lingo but It Is All Audibles! To win a headset microphone that broadcasts confidently to nobody, text BLITZ to 555-0405 and answer this question: 'How many audibles can a quarterback call before it becomes a podcast?' The players are back. So is the noise.

Rudy Gobert plucked that thing out of the air with the calm of somebody taking mail out of his own box. Nothing hurried about it at all. ONE HAND! Rudy Gobert reaches out with the right and PLUCKS it out of the sky! Lamar Jackson put it in the only place a defender could not reach! The basketball player shows up, does the whole job in eleven seconds, and gets back on the bus. Three points, no overtime.

Fingertips like that do not come from football practice. The film producer does precision work all week and it showed up at the catch point. Four-man rush, nobody blitzed. Myles Garrett wins a one-on-one in under two and a half seconds, and that is how you wreck a game plan. That is the third field goal of the day for Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

Third and 8, empty backfield, and Myles Garrett takes him down before the route concept ever develops. Punt team.

Count them up, there are TWELVE out there! Joe Thuney never got the signal to come off, and that is five yards! The chains kept moving and nothing we tried slowed it down. Fourteen plays, seven minutes off the clock, and Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof finishes the drive with six.

We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

HE GOT A PIECE OF IT! Ben Wallace arrives with the football, and their receiver is still asking for a flag that is never coming! Splits the uprights. Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

Ball on the 20, clock under two, and Lamar Jackson jogs out there like this whole afternoon was scripted for him. Eighty yards. One drive. Here we go. Screen game to the field side. Lamar Jackson follows the guard, cuts off his hip at the thirty and finishes it untouched. Jahmyr Gibbs works so fast that the crowd is still chanting about the touchdown when the football is already through.

Six men form a rowing crew in the end zone, Lamar Jackson at the stroke seat, and they pull hard in perfect rhythm across the goal line. Giannis Antetokounmpo is the coxswain and he is screaming a cadence nobody can hear. It is the most coordinated thing this offense has done all season.

Myles Garrett announces that the bus leaves in twenty. Lamar Jackson has nothing to say about the bus. And here is the answer to our game Lingo but It Is All Audibles! Winnifred Blodgett of Chowder Hollow, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many audibles can a quarterback call before it becomes a podcast?' The answer was of course four, and the fifth one already has sponsors. Winnifred takes home a headset microphone that broadcasts confidently to nobody! I stepped outside for air at halftime and locked myself out. A ball boy let me back in. I owe that kid. That's our program. Stay with us for 'Impractical Jokers: Reading the Terms of Service Out Loud in Public.'

Matchday 13 — vs Green Bay Shareholders

22-34 (L)

A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Green Bay Shareholders stretches the lead.

They went to the inside counter that time. Trent Williams was already sitting on it. Whatever the plan was, it is in the trash now. Contested catch by Trent Williams, twenty-six yards down the left side. First down at the forty. You can see it on the sideline: Trent Williams dragging the tablet over, pointing at the safety rotation, trying to explain a throw that has no explanation.

Joe Thuney folded that pocket like a lawn chair, and the opposing quarterback never saw the ceiling coming down. Joe Thuney has that receiver on a short leash, and the leash has not moved an inch since the opening kickoff. It is up, and it is through. Three more for Green Bay Shareholders, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

No targets, no catches, no yards. Ben Wallace is having the kind of quiet game that wins football games. Here is the design: the tackle occupies both interior blockers and Joe Thuney loops into a completely clean A-gap. Drawn up on Wednesday, cashed in on Sunday.

Joe Thuney mimes a cigar length of a forearm and Anthony Edwards arrives to cup both hands around an invisible match. The lighting takes a while -- there is wind in the end zone, apparently. Joe Thuney takes one enormous pull, tips his head back, and blows a plume of nothing straight up at the lights. The Green Bay Shareholders bench watches all of it and does not enjoy a second of it.

Textbook rep. Trent Williams sets, punches, resets the feet, and that edge rusher runs himself a yard past the launch point. Zone flows right, Trent Williams plants and cuts BACK against the grain, and the whole defense is running the wrong way! Fourth and 6 at the 15, field goal unit on, Trent Williams converts from 33. Three points.

The touchdown is barely over the line before Trent Williams is on one knee, ball held out in front of him, proposing to Shaquille O'Neal. Shaquille O'Neal covers his mouth with both hands, nods, then falls backward into the arms of three linemen. This is a bit they have run since training camp and it kills every single time.

Second quarter over. Ben Wallace walks with the eye black smeared halfway to his ear. Two hundred flag twirlers and one gust of wind. We are watching physics happen live. And now, our halftime TV game show Drainage Ditch People! To win a canoe with a patched hole and a handwritten apology, text BLITZ to 555-2518 and answer this question: 'What lives in the ditch behind the visitors bleachers?' The sidelines are stacked and standing. Kickoff.

Myles Garrett was in a footrace he had already lost, so he tried to slow the traffic. The officials do not accept that excuse. The chains kept moving and nothing we tried slowed it down. Fourteen plays, seven minutes off the clock, and Green Bay Shareholders finishes the drive with six.

Third and 8 with 1:12 showing, Lamar Jackson hits the out route and the receiver steps out at the 41. Clock stopped, timeouts intact. Most defenders in that spot at least get a hand on a jersey. Giannis Antetokounmpo never let him get close enough to reach for one. That is a five-yard cushion on a 55-yarder. Giannis Antetokounmpo did not just make it, he had another division of distance in the tank.

Giannis Antetokounmpo spins the ball on the turf, drops to a crouch, and stares at it like it owes him an explanation. It spins for a genuinely absurd amount of time. The crowd counts along. When it finally falls over, seventy thousand people yell at once and Giannis Antetokounmpo walks off without looking back.

He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Ben Wallace recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. Rudy Gobert was one body too many, and the umpire had him tagged before the football ever moved. Ohhh, that one hurts. Green Bay Shareholders runs the same counter they have run all afternoon, the backside end crashes again, and it is a touchdown.

He CHECKS IT! Lamar Jackson at the line, screaming the new call, clapping his hands, and the entire defense just got outsmarted! Lamar Jackson takes off like a kid clearing a hedge and comes down eleven yards later with the ball still in his hands. The throw was a rounding error. Everything after it belonged to Lamar Jackson, who turned a checkdown into a highlight tape. A film producer does not really know the word cautious, and neither did that play call. Two points.

Look at the get-off from Trent Williams -- he is two yards upfield before the center's hand leaves the football. You cannot block that. This one is on the headsets, not the player. Trent Williams was sent out for a package that got waved off two seconds too late. Field position, then penalties, then the score. Green Bay Shareholders has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

He is going DEEP! Lamar Jackson launches it forty-five yards downfield and Ja'Marr Chase runs under it in stride at the 20! Ja'Marr Chase reads the low tackle attempt and steps right over the top of it. Feet clean, ball secure, no interruption in the stride. The drive dies at the 12, but Ja'Marr Chase makes sure it was not a wasted trip down the field.

The kicker is the only man still on the sideline, and he is jumping straight up and down by himself with both fists over his head. Nobody is looking at him. He does not care. Ja'Marr Chase spots him from the end zone, sprints forty yards back, and tackles him into the bench, and the broadcast stays on the two of them for a full ten seconds.

He played the eyes the entire way. Shaquille O'Neal never looked at the receiver -- he broke on the shoulder turn and the football came to him. The defense had him dead to rights and Shaquille O'Neal declined. Nothing wrong with the tackle attempt -- he simply would not accept it. The film producer shows up, does the whole job in eleven seconds, and gets back on the bus. Three points, no overtime.

Helmets on the turf, referees buried in the middle of it, Ben Wallace disqualified. Whatever this game was about ten seconds ago, it is about something else now. Green Bay Shareholders goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

Two square feet of legal real estate out there, and Anthony Edwards used every inch of it. UP FOR GRABS... AND BATTED DOWN. Anthony Edwards gave that thing every pound he owns and the end zone swallowed it whole.

Myles Garrett sits on the bench in an empty stadium while the crew pulls the pylons. Joe Thuney comes back out for him. And here is the answer to our game show Drainage Ditch People! Sherman Boudreaux Gill of Catfish Elbow, Louisiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What lives in the ditch behind the visitors bleachers?' The answer was of course three frogs, one shopping cart, and the 1997 team photo. Sherman therefore wins a canoe with a patched hole and a handwritten apology! The guy running the video board and I have never spoken, but tonight we made eye contact and nodded. That is a friendship. Thanks for watching with us. Coming up: 'Cake Boss: A Birthday Cake for Someone Whose Name Nobody Can Spell.'

Matchday 14 — vs Buffalo Table-Breakers

18-33 (L)

He is UNBLOCKABLE right now! Trent Williams is in the backfield again and their offensive coordinator just slammed the call sheet down! Third and 8, empty backfield, and Trent Williams takes him down before the route concept ever develops. Punt team. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Buffalo Table-Breakers adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Speed to the perimeter is the entire idea here, and Shaquille O'Neal has more of it than the linebacker chasing him. That race was over at the snap. Shaquille O'Neal treats a 31-yarder the way you treat a light switch. Flip it, walk off, three points.

Up onto the padded barrier in front of the first row, both feet off the turf, and Shaquille O'Neal vanishes into a crush of jerseys and spilled beer. Two fans have him by the shoulder pads and are not letting go. He drops back onto the grass with somebody's foam finger and no idea whose it is. The Buffalo Table-Breakers sideline watches this with the expression of men attending a funeral.

The hands tell the whole story -- Ben Wallace chops, rips underneath the outside shoulder, and the pocket collapses from the top down. No targets, no catches, no yards. Ben Wallace is having the kind of quiet game that wins football games. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Buffalo Table-Breakers, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

The ball Lamar Jackson put up there stayed airborne so long the concession lines had time to move. The highlight shows will lead with that tonight, and Ja'Marr Chase treated it like a routine part of the carry. Ja'Marr Chase strikes it, both arms go straight up behind the goalposts, and this crowd gets the three points it came down here for.

Two linemen plant themselves on the goal line with their arms straight up as uprights, and Jahmyr Gibbs snaps the ball back through his legs. Ja'Marr Chase kicks it clean between them and holds the follow-through, one leg up, chin high. The actual kicker is twenty yards away with his actual holder, waiting to do this for real. Both officials signal the imaginary kick good before they can stop themselves.

HE GOT A PIECE OF IT! Giannis Antetokounmpo arrives with the football, and their receiver is still asking for a flag that is never coming! We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Buffalo Table-Breakers, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

The team files in. Ja'Marr Chase is still carrying the ball from that last completion. Rumor has it Ja'Marr Chase memorized the fight song as a rookie and now sings it in the shower. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show Split Second Guessing! To win a scoreboard remote with the two buttons that matter worn completely blank, text BLITZ to 555-2236 and answer this question: 'How long is the gap between the snap and the groan?' Both teams are set. This next drive is going to tell us plenty.

Lamar Jackson has to climb that pocket and build himself a throwing lane. Flat-footed, off the low platform, that is a gift to the defensive front. MASSIVE leg from Lamar Jackson! That is not a punter, that is a weapon, and this coaching staff knows exactly what it has.

He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Giannis Antetokounmpo recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. Nobody on that offensive line got the memo they had a film producer booked for the afternoon. Two seconds of work, one flattened pocket. Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. Buffalo Table-Breakers takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

Lamar Jackson attacks the intermediate middle, hits Ja'Marr Chase on the deep cross, and he is dragged down at the far hash for nineteen. Second and 9, empty look, Ja'Marr Chase to Jahmyr Gibbs underneath for seven. You can hear the strike all the way up in the press box, and Jahmyr Gibbs watches his own football still climbing as it passes the 20.

The whole squad drops into a huddle in the end zone, heads down, hands in, and holds it silently while the crowd waits. Then they break upward all at once with a roar and the ball goes straight up in the air. Jahmyr Gibbs is in the middle of it with his helmet off. Somebody's mouthguard lands twenty yards away and nobody goes and gets it.

Officials, coaches, equipment staff, everybody is out there trying to pry this apart, and Anthony Edwards is being dragged backwards by the jersey. The chains kept moving and nothing we tried slowed it down. Fourteen plays, seven minutes off the clock, and Buffalo Table-Breakers finishes the drive with six.

Interception, Trent Williams, at the 40. Our offense comes back out with a short field and a live crowd. That is a gorgeous kick-out block, and Trent Williams does the rest -- foot in the ground, north and south, nine yards. Watch the plant foot -- Trent Williams puts it right beside the ball, no lean, no hook. Inside 40 that is a rehearsed motion, not a kick.

Up onto the padded barrier in front of the first row, both feet off the turf, and Trent Williams vanishes into a crush of jerseys and spilled beer. Two fans have him by the shoulder pads and are not letting go. He drops back onto the grass with somebody's foam finger and no idea whose it is. The Buffalo Table-Breakers sideline watches this with the expression of men attending a funeral.

That is a violent arrival. Joe Thuney gets there at the same instant as the football and the receiver hears every bit of it -- they will not be throwing many more his way tonight. Twelve men on the field, and the basketball player was the spare one. Nobody on that sideline thought to tell him he was surplus. Six for Buffalo Table-Breakers. Nobody carried the crosser, and that was a walk-in from twelve yards out.

Off tackle to the right, Jahmyr Gibbs for eight. First down at the forty-one. GET THE TAPE MEASURE OUT! Jahmyr Gibbs from 56 and there was never a question after the first bounce of the crowd noise.

Jahmyr Gibbs mimes putting the entire Buffalo Table-Breakers secondary to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes closed, swaying gently. Their corner is in his face immediately. Jahmyr Gibbs does not open his eyes. Lamar Jackson arrives at a full sprint and physically removes him from the situation.

OH, THAT IS A GIFT AND HE UNWRAPPED IT! Myles Garrett with the pick, and the whole sideline is coming over the bench! Spin move at the line of scrimmage, Myles Garrett for seven. Third and two. THAT IS GOOD, AND IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING ELSE! Myles Garrett from 29 and that ball never wobbles once.

Myles Garrett mimes putting the entire Buffalo Table-Breakers secondary to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes closed, swaying gently. Their corner is in his face immediately. Myles Garrett does not open his eyes. Giannis Antetokounmpo arrives at a full sprint and physically removes him from the situation.

Ja'Marr Chase was one body too many, and the umpire had him tagged before the football ever moved. Screen pass, one missed tackle at the thirty, and Buffalo Table-Breakers is gone. That is a fundamentals problem, and the fundamentals are ours to fix.

Lamar Jackson has lived here before. Get to the line, read the safeties, spike or snap -- the operation looks rehearsed because it is. The horn hits and the building takes one enormous breath. Lamar Jackson stands out there with his hands on his hips, waiting for the noise to come back. Coverage locked up, rush closing in, and Lamar Jackson finds the outlet a heartbeat before contact -- and look at Jahmyr Gibbs go for eleven!

Myles Garrett laughs once. It is not a laugh. Anthony Edwards pretends not to have heard it. And here is the answer to our game show Split Second Guessing! Corbin Pritchard of Hardscrabble Corner, Maine, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long is the gap between the snap and the groan?' The answer was of course three tenths of a second, and at home the groan gets there first. Corbin therefore wins a scoreboard remote with the two buttons that matter worn completely blank! My evening: a booth, a heater that works on exactly one side, and the best game in America. We're done here. Coming up: 'Home Town: Painting Over the Wallpaper Because Removing It Is Impossible.'

Matchday 15 — vs Philadelphia Pole-Greasers

11-17 (L)

TIMEOUT, TIMEOUT! Lamar Jackson gets both arms up with one second on the play clock and this sideline just aged a decade! Terrific decision by Lamar Jackson, ball right into the frame of Giannis Antetokounmpo, and one hard step later he is standing in front of his own bench. Clean snap, laces away, and Giannis Antetokounmpo does exactly what he has done all season from that range. The hold was perfect and he rewarded it.

Three receivers set the pylons in a triangle and Giannis Antetokounmpo bowls the football straight through them. Strike. All three go down. Rudy Gobert does the scoreboard signal with both hands while an official jogs in reaching for his flag and the whole bench falls over laughing.

Sweep to the left, Jahmyr Gibbs for eleven, out of bounds at the thirty-eight. Fourth and inches, Jahmyr Gibbs under center, and he SNEAKS it! The pile moves and the sticks are a formality! Fourth and 1, measured, first down awarded. Jahmyr Gibbs on the carry and the chains reset. That is not a shove from Jahmyr Gibbs, that is a grown man being driven into the ground like a tent stake.

Rudy Gobert met that running back in a phone booth, and there was only ever room for one of them. It is up, and it is through. Three more for Philadelphia Pole-Greasers, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

The basketball player read that concept the way he reads the first ten minutes of a Monday: he knows what is coming and he gets there early. Third and eleven, one-handed grab by Giannis Antetokounmpo for eighteen. First down at the thirty-seven. No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Giannis Antetokounmpo. Down the middle from 36.

Jahmyr Gibbs is wrestling a couch up a stairwell out there. Ugly, heavy, and it always ends up where it was going. The tip of the football is kissing the far stake, and Jahmyr Gibbs is already up celebrating before the official even turns around. This is why teams pay linemen real money. Jahmyr Gibbs drives his man five yards off the ball and Shaquille O'Neal gets a lane you could park a bus in.

Halftime. Ja'Marr Chase jogs up the tunnel with his chin strap already swinging loose. Backstage: the artist's manager is arguing about the length of the runway. The runway is not moving. And now, our halftime TV game show The Price Is Right Guard! To win a foam wedge of cheese with a bite already taken out of it by a previous owner, text BLITZ to 555-0284 and answer this question: 'What is the retail price of one single yard, purchased separately?' Kick is away, high and deep, and the third quarter is underway.

Two sidelines at midfield, punches out on the edges, and Anthony Edwards identified by the officials. That costs yardage and it costs personnel. Back shoulder fade at the pylon, and Philadelphia Pole-Greasers comes down with it over a defender who had inside leverage and nothing behind him. Perfectly placed, and this one is on us.

Look at the get-off from Jahmyr Gibbs -- he is two yards upfield before the center's hand leaves the football. You cannot block that. Jahmyr Gibbs arrives at the same time as the football, and that throw goes nowhere but the dirt. IT IS DEAFENING IN HERE! Giannis Antetokounmpo is conducting the entire upper deck and the play clock is bleeding out!

Four full seconds and not one hand near the quarterback facemask. Ben Wallace anchored against the bull rush and never surrendered an inch of ground. The basketball player shows up, does the whole job in eleven seconds, and gets back on the bus. Three points, no overtime.

Ben Wallace does a full slow-motion replay of his own run, backward, from the end zone toward the line of scrimmage, exaggerating every cut. Lamar Jackson runs alongside as the defender he beat, falling over in slow motion at the exact same spot. Frame for frame accurate. The building is in ruins.

Joe Thuney folded that pocket like a lawn chair, and the opposing quarterback never saw the ceiling coming down. Hear that? Joe Thuney gets home in two seconds flat, and now they have to hand us the football on a free kick from their own twenty!

He is CONDUCTING out here! Lamar Jackson points out the mike, gets it snapped with four seconds on the play clock and the chains keep moving!

Fingertips like that do not come from football practice. The basketball player does precision work all week and it showed up at the catch point. Jahmyr Gibbs was one body too many, and the umpire had him tagged before the football ever moved. And the flag gets picked up. Philadelphia Pole-Greasers keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

Watch the tempo now -- Lamar Jackson stays in the shotgun, works the sideline, makes them defend every blade of grass. Two timeouts still in his back pocket. Everything about this run is decided before contact. The fullback kicks out the force defender and Lamar Jackson only has to stay patient for one beat.

Lamar Jackson punches the tunnel wall. Concrete does not care. Ben Wallace checks his hand without being asked. And here is the answer to our game The Price Is Right Guard! Chester Poffenbarger of Muffler Springs, Indiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the retail price of one single yard, purchased separately?' The answer was of course four dollars and ten cents, though they will not sell you fewer than three. Chester takes home a foam wedge of cheese with a bite already taken out of it by a previous owner! Tonight I high-fived my analyst so hard we both dropped our headsets. Four seconds of dead air. Worth it. We're clearing out. Up next: 'My Strange Addiction: A Man Who Alphabetizes His Spices Every Night.'