My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

78-123 (L)

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Set called, Galactus waved out to the corner, and James Harden watches the spacing open up like a front door. Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Galactus, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Galactus, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That crossover was not about getting a shot up. James Harden pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Textbook footwork, textbook release from James Harden, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

That's a cut. Hulk stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Hulk once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! To win a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it, text HOOPS to 555-0698 and answer this question: 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.

Right on time, not a half step late. Zeus makes that ball handler pull it back out with absolutely nothing to show for it. Contested! Zeus makes him change it in midair.

Nobody on earth enjoys taking a charge, which is exactly why Zeus keeps doing it and keeps swinging games.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Charles Dickens stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Straight back to the office for the playwright, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

The superhero fouled a shooter behind the arc. Three free throws, and a timeout that is going to be extremely unpleasant. Zeus reaches, gets caught, whistle. Third personal, and the coach immediately looks down his bench.

Filthy defense from Galactus. He never touched a thing and he still won the possession. Off the glass and out of the gym, Hulk launches it and the break is ON! Two defenders in the lane, Galactus splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The player baits the contact, gets the whistle, and struts to the line like a ten-year pro. His boss is watching this and quietly rethinking next week's schedule. AIRBALL. On a FREE THROW. Galactus just invented a brand new way to be remembered.

The crossover comes, Galactus bites hard, and the lane opens up like the front door was left unlocked. Careless stuff from Zeus. That is a free trip to the line for a steal that was never happening.

Huddle is tight, marker squeaking on the board, and Charles Dickens is already nodding before the coach finishes the sentence. Cut, screen, relocate, and there is Galactus wide open in the corner. Nobody on that defense read one page of it.

Hulk hurls his water bottle at the wall. Charles Dickens flinches but doesn't react. And here is the answer to our game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! Sharlene Boggs of Muleshoe Corner, Ohio, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' The answer was of course row thirty one, and after that it is basically folklore. Sharlene therefore wins a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it! Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

85-121 (L)

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

One little shoulder dip from James Harden and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. AND ONE! James Harden finishes THROUGH the contact and the whistle comes with it!

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. James Harden does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

STOP AND GO! James Harden hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, James Harden panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

OHHHH, no no no! James Harden steps into a contested step-back with eighteen on the clock and clangs it. Greedy.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and James Harden gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Zeus blows the wide open layup!

Halftime! Galactus looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Did you know Galactus knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Miami Heart-Attack's colors. By accident, obviously. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares of Cheese! To win a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod, text HOOPS to 555-0134 and answer this question: 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' We're back! The players look fired up.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and James Harden has known that all night long. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Charles Dickens is gone, so Hulk earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Charles Dickens backs his man down, feels the contact, spins middle and drops it in over both hands. Fundamentals!

The too-small gesture, aimed straight at the Miami Heart-Attack bench, both hands measuring an inch of air. Their coach is out of his chair and onto the officials. Charles Dickens keeps the pose, unblinking, backpedaling all the way. The arena hits a decibel level that clips the broadcast mics.

Turnover, layup, Miami Heart-Attack straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Laser from James Harden, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. A single dribble is all Zeus needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Zeus. Cruel.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, Charles Dickens drops it off perfectly for Zeus diving to the rim. That is the shot chart lying to you. Zeus did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The basketball simply left Charles Dickens. No steal, no pressure, just a quiet parting of ways.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

OHHHH the hesi! James Harden froze him solid and he is already gone! Up goes the shot from James Harden and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

The crew chief has the headset on, three angles on the screen, everybody in here staring at Hulk. OHHHH the cruelty! Two tenths, and Hulk gets absolutely nothing.

Hulk bites the inside of his cheek. James Harden pinches the bridge of his nose. And here is the answer to our game Hollywood Squares of Cheese! Dwayne Pickle of Beaver Hollow, Pennsylvania, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' The answer was of course all of them, that is the entire business model. Dwayne takes home a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod! Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

87-132 (L)

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Charles Dickens passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Nobody drew up that arc. The playwright floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

James Harden feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. Filthy patience from James Harden. He waits for the fly-by, leans into it, and turns one possession into three free points.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the playwright, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Here comes Charles Dickens sprinting off the elbow. Hulk slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Charles Dickens hands it off to Hulk, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. OHHHH the FADEAWAY! Charles Dickens rises over the defender and it falls through.

Players head to the locker room. Hulk has tape on three fingers. Fun fact: Hulk failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show The Big Spin Cycle! To win a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread, text HOOPS to 555-1057 and answer this question: 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Five bodies moving as one, Zeus barking out every rotation, and there is not a crack anywhere in this thing. Four live-ball turnovers now for Charles Dickens, and every single one of them has turned into a bucket.

Goaltending on Galactus. Great athleticism, terrible timing.

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Watch the change of pace from James Harden, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Soft touch from James Harden, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

The playwright just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Give and go! Galactus gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Missed layup for the player and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Total control. James Harden has this thing on a string. The playwright reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. The playwright gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, James Harden and Zeus just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Shot clock at one, and James Harden just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Over the top of everybody. Zeus to Charles Dickens in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Off the pin-down comes the playwright with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Charles Dickens fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

James Harden snaps at the bench on his way out. Charles Dickens says nothing, but his look says everything. And here is the answer to our game show The Big Spin Cycle! Virgil Stanback of Buzzard Roost Landing, North Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' The answer was of course two dollars and a firm handshake. Virgil therefore wins a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread! My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

87-116 (L)

Hulk times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

James Harden walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Zeus tries to force it through two bodies and finds nothing but the defender's hands.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Philadelphia Injury-Report with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Charles Dickens does. Charles Dickens lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

The playwright makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. James Harden drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. The player misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

First half is done. Charles Dickens is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Little secret: Charles Dickens watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! To win a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing, text HOOPS to 555-1207 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and James Harden threw it before the help even committed. The help defender committed way too early, and Galactus made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. OHHHH what a FINISH from Galactus! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Galactus finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Zeus photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the playwright, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. A full spin move through traffic from the scientist! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Hulk beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Telegraphed. Charles Dickens announced that pass three days in advance and the defense RSVP'd.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Philadelphia Injury-Report in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Technical on the playwright! He argues with people all day at work and loses those too, only this one costs a free throw.

Down screen, and Charles Dickens curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Missed layup for the playwright and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel. Hustle play of the night so far. Zeus gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. OHHHH he went and GOT that! Zeus with the putback jam over two bodies.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Zeus never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Hard drive, hard stop, and James Harden retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. James Harden fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

James Harden claps his hands in frustration. Charles Dickens clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. And here is the answer to our game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! Norma Jean Sprinkle of Butterbean Flats, Alaska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' The answer was of course nine, and the tenth one is purely professional. Norma Jean therefore wins a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

98-125 (L)

The superhero makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Hulk punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Zeus rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Right through the window. Zeus to Hulk on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Get that one framed. Hulk took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

Shot is up, Galactus loses the wrestling match on the block, and the ball comes down in enemy hands.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Ball into Charles Dickens at the elbow, James Harden plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Buzzer on the shot clock, James Harden heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

First half is done. Zeus is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Little secret: Zeus watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters at the Laundromat! To win a mannequin torso wearing a borrowed letterman jacket, text HOOPS to 555-0388 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of a chili at a firehouse cook-off?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Charles Dickens breaks a shell down. Hesitate, GO. James Harden is by that hip before the man even blinks. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot James Harden should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Watch the spacing there, James Harden hits Zeus right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Second pass beats the rotation, Zeus to Galactus, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. The player had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

SKIP PASS! Charles Dickens fires it cross court to Zeus and the defense is dead in the water! OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Zeus never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Stepback three from the superhero, ice in his veins. You cannot teach that, and apparently you cannot keep it out of the workforce either.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Zeus takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Hulk pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

OHHHH, what a read by Charles Dickens! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Rises, releases, and Zeus sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Push the pace! James Harden grabs it and hits Galactus in stride before the defense can even match up. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the player made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. The crowd has found its chant, and Galactus is going to be hearing it all night.

Take the foul, live with whatever happens at the line. Charles Dickens clamps down on the ball handler and the whistle does the rest.

Charles Dickens stares at the floor while Hulk mutters something inaudible under his breath. And here is the answer to our game Blockbusters at the Laundromat! Reba Mae Odom of Skillet Fork, California, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the boiling point of a chili at a firehouse cook-off?' The answer was of course slightly above the legal limit. Reba Mae takes home a mannequin torso wearing a borrowed letterman jacket! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

82-126 (L)

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Hulk sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. James Harden lays it right on his hands in traffic! AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Hulk cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

The player is holding the low block against a professional big man. Nobody had that on the card tonight. The pass is the play here. Galactus never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. Somebody check that job title again: the playwright hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Ice in the veins: Charles Dickens taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

There is nothing accidental about that one. Zeus hunted the contact, sold it, and bought himself a trip to the stripe. The superhero just airballed a FREE THROW, and somewhere a group chat has already saved that clip forever.

A scoreless four minutes and counting. The superhero is finding out the hard way that this league punishes tired legs. Fifth possession this half where Galactus has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Time to breathe. Charles Dickens has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Juicy anecdote: Charles Dickens was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

No hero ball here: Zeus takes what the defense gives and moves it along. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! James Harden spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and James Harden has it on a string tonight.

James Harden hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Charles Dickens shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Charles Dickens just did it by hitting Zeus on the back side with acres of room. Straight down the baseline goes the superhero! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Long miss from the superhero and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

James Harden launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. The playwright reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Charles Dickens goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Over and back on the scientist, who just lost a possession to a painted line. No defender required.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Swing, swing, and Zeus finds Charles Dickens on the wing before the help can even turn its head. The extra pass! Charles Dickens had the look, gave it up anyway, and Zeus buries it. BANG! Oh my. Zeus did not even draw iron.

Not pretty, but this is arithmetic now. Galactus trades one foul for one more possession, and down five with a minute left, that math works.

James Harden hurls his water bottle at the wall. Charles Dickens flinches but doesn't react. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

95-114 (L)

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the playwright, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Baseline wide open. Zeus said thank you. Gift wrapped by Hulk, and Zeus cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

That is a dime from Zeus that deserved so much better, and James Harden knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and James Harden has now cleaned up four misses tonight. BAAAANG! James Harden rips the offensive board and puts it right back through!

The player is running this zone like he has been drawing it up his entire life. Wrong career, my friend, absolutely the wrong career. Hands like that on the playwright? Whatever he does all day, by night he is robbing people blind.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The players head to the locker room. Galactus is sweating like a racehorse. The staff told me Galactus sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! To win a bowling trophy from a league that never existed, text HOOPS to 555-0192 and answer this question: 'What is the flavor of blue?' There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

The playwright just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? The player just double dribbled in front of a sold-out building. Nobody back at work is ever letting that one go.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and James Harden has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Hulk precisely where the play wanted it. BAAAANG! Hulk sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. AIRBALL! James Harden missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

The scientist puts a shoulder into the ball handler and pays for it. He spends all day being polite to strangers and now he is hacking people for a living.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Zeus kicks it over to Hulk, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Unselfish basketball. Hulk passes up a good shot and hands James Harden a GREAT one. Rim out for James Harden, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Hulk gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Charles Dickens saw it a beat early. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Hulk left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the scientist! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Hulk hits his man first, walks him under the rim, then goes and gets the ball. Absolutely textbook. That outlet from Hulk is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. BAAAANG! Zeus throws the outlet ahead and James Harden finishes through contact at the rim!

Whistles. Monitor. And Galactus standing frozen at midcourt. The player is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

James Harden and Charles Dickens walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. And here is the answer to our game Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! Elmer Tunstall of Split Rail, Vermont, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the flavor of blue?' The answer was of course blue, which has been blue since 1968 and nobody has improved on it. Elmer takes home a bowling trophy from a league that never existed! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

89-134 (L)

Galactus controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Baseline spin from James Harden at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and James Harden is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and James Harden has known that all night long. Hulk comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Not a hand on him. Hulk flat missed the bunny.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Cut! Halftime. Charles Dickens's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Staff confession: Charles Dickens is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. And now, our halftime TV game show Jeopar-Dee-Dee! To win a mounted singing bass that only knows half the song, text HOOPS to 555-0305 and answer this question: 'How much does a rumor weigh at sea level?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

Charles Dickens gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Zeus saw it a beat early. A cut with that timing from the playwright? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. The playwright gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: James Harden controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The player pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. BAAAANG! Galactus catches it and lets it FLY, nothing but net from the corner!

Galactus cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Hulk joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

James Harden goes fishing at the point of attack, the ball handler feels the hand on his elbow, and the arm goes straight up. Most defenders get to use their hands. James Harden has five, so he is out there guarding with his eyebrows.

Whirl, and GONE! James Harden leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on James Harden, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

No roll this time. James Harden swings it right back to Galactus above the break, and it is PURE. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the player goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Galactus does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Zeus that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Laser from James Harden, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The defender planted his feet, and Hulk said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Two points left on the floor by Hulk, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and James Harden drops it off to Galactus on time and on target. The player just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Charles Dickens nothing.

Hulk's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Charles Dickens breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. And here is the answer to our game Jeopar-Dee-Dee! Ludene Crabtree of Dry Creek Junction, Oklahoma, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much does a rumor weigh at sea level?' The answer was of course a pound and a half, considerably more in humid weather. Ludene takes home a mounted singing bass that only knows half the song! Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

77-121 (L)

The player just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and James Harden already has the defense a full step behind. OHHHH the separation! Charles Dickens just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. That is what heavy minutes do, Charles Dickens has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the playwright, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Day job, then this: the superhero reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. The scientist just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Hulk never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Both teams head in. Hulk has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Little scoop: Hulk tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! To win a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong, text HOOPS to 555-0066 and answer this question: 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

Oldest play in the book, and James Harden runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. That is a throwback bucket: Galactus with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

The too-small gesture, aimed straight at the Houston Blast-Off bench, both hands measuring an inch of air. Their coach is out of his chair and onto the officials. Galactus keeps the pose, unblinking, backpedaling all the way. The arena hits a decibel level that clips the broadcast mics.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

SKIP PASS! James Harden fires it cross court to Charles Dickens and the defense is dead in the water! Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Charles Dickens keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Charles Dickens had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Cross court, on a rope, from the superhero. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Full stop, full sprint, and the player is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Perfect drop-off from Charles Dickens, and Galactus answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Push the pace! James Harden grabs it and hits Hulk in stride before the defense can even match up. Hulk comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Charles Dickens just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Charles Dickens missed that one with real conviction.

Shot clock violation! Charles Dickens owns the nail, the middle is a no fly zone, and that possession just expired in their hands. You will never find it in a box score, but Galactus just flipped that entire trip down the floor with one hand.

James Harden launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Galactus. Hulk threads a BEAUTY to Galactus under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Chased down from behind and wrapped up before he can get into his dribble, all courtesy of Hulk. Here comes the free throw parade.

Hulk whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Galactus nods without conviction. And here is the answer to our game Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! Wanda Sue Beezley of Rooster Comb, South Dakota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' The answer was of course forty-one, and three of them open nothing at all. Wanda Sue takes home a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

90-131 (L)

Push the pace! James Harden grabs it and hits Charles Dickens in stride before the defense can even match up. Watch Hulk plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Charles Dickens out of that corner in a blink. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Charles Dickens is walking back with both hands on his head.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at James Harden the moment he crosses half court. Baby hook by James Harden, right over that outstretched hand, high off the board, count it.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The playwright just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Watch the sell from Hulk here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the scientist, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Halftime! Galactus has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Did you know Galactus entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. And now, our halftime TV game show Deal or No Deal or Maybe! To win a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap, text HOOPS to 555-0396 and answer this question: 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Bench energy is real currency over a long season, and Charles Dickens just handed his teammates a full bank account.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Over the top of everybody. James Harden to Charles Dickens in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Look how low Charles Dickens keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Charles Dickens launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Galactus did that, and now the loudest twelve people in this arena are all wearing the same uniform he is. OHHHH THE CHASEDOWN! Zeus comes from nowhere and pins it on the glass!

Not a hand on him. Charles Dickens flat missed the bunny. Another extra possession courtesy of the superhero, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. Kick out to Zeus, one more to Charles Dickens, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. The playwright just fired one in from the logo and the roof nearly came off this place. That is in nobody's job description.

From WAY downtown off the pop! James Harden with the extra pass and CASH. Charles Dickens had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Whistle! James Harden got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. Look, it happens to everybody at some point. It does not usually happen with a full arena watching James Harden do it in slow motion.

Ball moves. James Harden to Charles Dickens, on time and on target. POCKET PASS! Charles Dickens threads it to Galactus between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Getting to his spot and elevating, Galactus puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Hulk kicks his towel across the floor. Charles Dickens has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game Deal or No Deal or Maybe! Marlene Hufnagel of North Elbow, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' The answer was of course whatever speed produces the most noise. Marlene takes home a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap! I learned tonight that Hulk used to be a playwright. That explains the unique running style. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

78-121 (L)

Baseline drive by Charles Dickens, he absorbs the hammer from the help defender, and the official is already pointing to the line. Zero contact, zero rim, zero dignity for the playwright, and honestly that is the most relatable thing to happen all night. Chin up, the day job is still safe.

Push the pace! James Harden grabs it and hits Galactus in stride before the defense can even match up. James Harden eats the contact so Galactus can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Galactus went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Charles Dickens just took a shoulder to the chest to buy James Harden half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. That is a dime from Galactus that deserved so much better, and James Harden knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Halftime. Hulk's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Juicy anecdote: Hulk was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Lite! To win a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley, text HOOPS to 555-0402 and answer this question: 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and James Harden makes it every single trip down the floor. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Galactus slips it to Charles Dickens right in the pocket. Surgical. Catch on the block, shoulder into the chest, one dribble, and Charles Dickens finishes over the top. Textbook.

James Harden rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Oh my. James Harden did not even draw iron.

Watch the spacing, James Harden drags two bodies toward the ball and Hulk is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. The scientist launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Charles Dickens gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because James Harden saw it a beat early. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A playwright making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. So close. Galactus can only stare at the iron.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Zeus has known that all night long. GONE down the baseline! Hulk beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Rim out for Hulk, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

You judge a locker room by moments like this. Hulk makes the play, and every man on that sideline erupts right along with him. From behind! Hulk tracks him down and takes the ball right off the backboard.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The superhero makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. SPIN and GO! James Harden pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and James Harden hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

James Harden points at Hulk first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Hulk again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Hulk waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

Charles Dickens lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Zeus decides not to comment. And here is the answer to our game Fear Factor Lite! Alvin Kluck of Cheese Ridge, Minnesota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' The answer was of course the same as outside it, only angrier. Alvin takes home a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley! Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

77-122 (L)

Tip is UP and Hulk gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and James Harden has known that all night long. Galactus crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Galactus. Cruel.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Beaten on the glass again, and Hulk needs help down there.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Break! Hulk heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Rumor has it Hulk tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Winding Down! To win a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it, text HOOPS to 555-0509 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.

Total control. James Harden has this thing on a string. Hulk sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Charles Dickens finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. The scientist hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

Laser from Charles Dickens, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Left, right, gone. James Harden put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Down, up, and gone for James Harden. The rim is just toying with him now.

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Two guys on the exact same page, James Harden and Hulk, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Long and gone. James Harden floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Clean feed from Zeus, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Here comes the slip from Charles Dickens, and Hulk reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. BRICK! Charles Dickens throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The superhero takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. The defender fronted him, so Zeus sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Hulk sets up shop on the block, one thousand one, one thousand two, and the official counts him right out.

No hero ball here: Zeus takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Off the pin-down comes the scientist with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Nasty finish. Hulk hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

Hulk sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Cleveland Twin-Towers bench does not find it funny. Galactus pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Galactus snaps at the bench on his way out. Hulk says nothing, but his look says everything. And here is the answer to our game show Match Game Winding Down! Georgette Blalock of Little Persimmon, North Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' The answer was of course the regret, by about eleven minutes. Georgette therefore wins a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it! I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

90-134 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Galactus winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and James Harden makes it every single trip down the floor. Day job, then this: the player reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. That is a dime from Hulk that deserved so much better, and Charles Dickens knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

That is vision. Charles Dickens sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Ambition, ten out of ten. Footwork, two out of ten. Zeus beat himself before the defender ever showed up.

Break. Hulk collapses next to the vending machine. Little secret: Hulk watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Win, Lose, or Shrug! To win a giant novelty check made out for two dollars, text HOOPS to 555-0075 and answer this question: 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The playwright out here on the deck fighting for loose balls. Nobody pays him for that, and he could not care less. The scientist just threw an outlet that traveled farther than most people commute. Absurd. That is body control you simply cannot coach: Zeus stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Laser from James Harden, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. They do not teach that in the player handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. The superhero just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

That is the pass that beats a zone, and James Harden threw it before the help even committed. STOP AND GO! Zeus hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Perfect drop-off from James Harden, and Zeus answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and James Harden has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Zeus precisely where the play wanted it. OHHHH the pin-down! Zeus pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Charles Dickens. Brutal. Zeus had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Hulk forces a contested fadeaway with a hand in his face, front rim, and the drought rolls on. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Galactus has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Cross court, on a rope, from the playwright. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Galactus, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Galactus gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Charles Dickens put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! The playwright had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Zeus sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Hulk winces. And here is the answer to our game Win, Lose, or Shrug! Maxine Skaggs of Bitter Root Draw, New Jersey, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' The answer was of course two, always the same two, and one of them is sky. Maxine takes home a giant novelty check made out for two dollars! I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

84-128 (L)

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Offensive foul. Galactus was set a full beat early, took it flush in the sternum, and never gave up an inch of ground.

The defender planted his feet, and Charles Dickens said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Up goes the shot from Charles Dickens and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from James Harden! Nothing but runway to the rim! Galactus slides the hip out a full foot before contact. The official saw it, the arena saw it, everybody saw it.

Somewhere out there a playwright is learning that the day job never included defensive slides. Rough little moment.

Back to the locker room. Hulk punches his locker. True story: Hulk walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against San Antonio Skyscrapers. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Lite! To win a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley, text HOOPS to 555-0402 and answer this question: 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.

Straight down the baseline goes the playwright! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. The playwright just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

James Harden walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. The player just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Perfect arc. Galactus makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Galactus cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. James Harden joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

No hero ball here: Zeus takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Charles Dickens has all the room in the world. AIRBALL! Charles Dickens missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Beautiful footwork on that one from James Harden, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Gift wrapped by Charles Dickens, and James Harden cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

SPIN and GO! James Harden pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Drop step, jump hook, bucket! James Harden is doing it the old way.

Hulk grabs him before the ball even crosses half court. Intentional, obvious, and completely necessary.

James Harden's eyes are red, jaw tight. Charles Dickens apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. And here is the answer to our game Fear Factor Lite! Alvin Kluck of Cheese Ridge, Minnesota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' The answer was of course the same as outside it, only angrier. Alvin takes home a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley! During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

85-129 (L)

The referee tosses it high and Galactus rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

The player just got left in the dust, and in fairness, that is a professional athlete he was asked to guard. That is a foot speed problem. Galactus keeps grabbing instead of sliding, and in this league that gets your coach a miserable night.

Clean feed from Zeus, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Day job, then this: the player reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Prayer from Charles Dickens. Not answered.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

James Harden hands it off to Zeus, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. ONIONS from James Harden! He saw the hit coming and went up into it anyway. Spin, one dribble, up and in. Then James Harden does the whole thing again. Zero drama, two points.

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, James Harden keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

Break. James Harden's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Little secret: James Harden has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. And now, our halftime TV game show Shop Til You Flop! To win a lifetime membership in a book club that owns one book, text HOOPS to 555-0983 and answer this question: 'How many gallons of orange drink are sold at a fairground gym?' Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Screen, pop, SPLASH! James Harden kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. The scientist launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Watch the spacing there, Charles Dickens hits Galactus right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Galactus gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Rises, releases, and Galactus sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Clean block, all ball, no whistle, and Hulk jogs back down the floor like nothing happened. Touch pass from James Harden, and Hulk glides in for the finger roll. Filthy.

Ice in the veins: Hulk taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Charles Dickens feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. The playwright just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Charles Dickens spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! Buzzer on the shot clock, Charles Dickens heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Full stop, full sprint, and the playwright is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Charles Dickens fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

James Harden scratches the back of his neck nervously. Galactus has the look of someone who has seen things. And here is the answer to our game show Shop Til You Flop! Roberta Yoakum of Cedar Stump, Vermont, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many gallons of orange drink are sold at a fairground gym?' The answer was of course eighty gallons, and only nine people will admit to buying any. Roberta therefore wins a lifetime membership in a book club that owns one book! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.