My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
4 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Tupac Shakur. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's 50 Cent. A rapper in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their hot mic better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. 50 Cent has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the fiery bars and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
77-122 (L)
Eminem wins the opening tip! Tipping off with rapper energy!
Tupac Shakur can't buy a bucket! Maybe the protest march would be easier to aim!
The Notorious B.I.G., this swiss-army-knife type, steps out of bounds with the Spalding! Mental lapse!
Eminem gambles for the steal and pays the price! Shaky emotions under pressure!
The Notorious B.I.G. Argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to spitting the fiery bars!
Halftime! Eminem has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Anecdote: Eminem once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Tupac Shakur, this solid build, gets stuffed trying a deep three! Denied!
The Notorious B.I.G. Gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from spitting the fiery bars and hooping!
Intercepted! Tupac Shakur's pass snatched right out of the air! An activist would never be that careless!
Eminem throws their hands up! Like a rapper when their hot mic breaks!
This global icon Eminem shakes hands and moves on. In the end, heavy feet proved costly.
50 Cent stares at the floor while Eminem mutters something inaudible under his breath. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
89-133 (L)
The game begins and The Notorious B.I.G. Is ready! You can see eyes in the back of the head written all over his face!
50 Cent, this tweener, can't finish back to the basket! That one stings!
Sloppy handling by 50 Cent! Spitting the fiery bars is done with more finesse!
50 Cent, this smooth operator, gets exploited in the switch! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed in the mismatch!
50 Cent can't mask the disappointment! This all-time great wearing it on the sleeve!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, 50 Cent picks up the pace. Fun fact: 50 Cent tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
The Notorious B.I.G. Misses! Even a rapper can't fix that shot!
50 Cent, this undisputed superstar, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
The Notorious B.I.G. Gets picked! A rapper getting the fiery bars stolen in broad daylight!
Eminem vents at their teammates! The rapper who vents about the fiery bars!
50 Cent tips the cap to the winners! The rapper's grace with the fiery bars!
Tupac Shakur pulls his cap down over his eyes. 50 Cent doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
74-118 (L)
Tupac Shakur takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
50 Cent misses on a strategic timeout! A rapper dropping the fiery bars at the worst time!
This basketball god Eminem with turnover number buckets! Lack of consistency is piling up!
The Notorious B.I.G. Gets posterized! A rapper framed by their hot mic in the worst way!
This guy with rings on every finger Tupac Shakur slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Break. The Notorious B.I.G. Asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Fun fact: The Notorious B.I.G. Is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Eminem forces a bad bucket! This living legend needs to trust teammates!
The Notorious B.I.G. Bends over during the dead ball! This guy everybody knows gathering what's left!
50 Cent with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the fiery bars!
50 Cent, this franchise cornerstone, with the frustrated foul! Occasional mental lapses in tough moments!
50 Cent lets fly to the tunnel in disappointment. This potential GOAT will learn from this.
Eminem refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. 50 Cent watches it and immediately regrets it. Evening confession: I'm wearing Eminem's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
74-118 (L)
The Notorious B.I.G. Takes off onto the floor! The crowd roars for this max-contract guy!
Tupac Shakur misfires from the left corner! Even this franchise cornerstone has off nights!
Eminem dribbles it off their foot! Their hot mic would never betray a rapper like that!
Tupac Shakur reacts too late to rotate! Tendency to rush on the help side!
50 Cent sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a rapper after a long shift!
Heading in. Tupac Shakur's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Small detail: Tupac Shakur wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
The Notorious B.I.G. Can't find the range! Their hot mic has better accuracy than that!
The Notorious B.I.G. Takes the rest play! Even a rapper needs a breather!
Eminem attacks into a dead end from downtown! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Eminem spins the towel! This household name showing injury-prone body!
Tupac Shakur refuses to make excuses! An activist owns the protest march failures too!
The Notorious B.I.G. Walks toward the tunnel without a word. Tupac Shakur stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
83-127 (L)
50 Cent lands the first deep three! First blood! The rapper strikes first!
50 Cent rushes a layup off the pick and roll! Injury-prone body creeping in!
Stolen from Tupac Shakur! An activist who let it slip through their fingers!
Eminem gives up the back door! Occasional mental lapses when overplaying!
The Notorious B.I.G., this jersey-selling name, barks at the teammate! Tendency to rush taking over!
Halftime! 50 Cent checks his stats on the board and winces. Exclusive: 50 Cent was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
50 Cent shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a rapper would cringe!
Eminem powers through! The rapper in them won't quit on the fiery bars!
Tupac Shakur trips up in the left wing! An activist never trips at work... Right?
Tupac Shakur slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an activist hits the workbench!
50 Cent consoles teammates! The heart of a rapper in that moment!
The Notorious B.I.G. Has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Tupac Shakur has aged ten years in forty minutes. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
78-122 (L)
Eminem gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a rapper on day one!
Tupac Shakur misses the open look! An activist never misses the protest march... But misses the pill!
50 Cent, this smooth operator, fumbles the entry pass from downtown!
Tupac Shakur, this smooth operator, can't keep up with the speed! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
The Notorious B.I.G. Stares in disbelief! The look of a rapper who just lost everything!
Rest. 50 Cent buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Rumor has it 50 Cent does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Eminem explodes the damn ball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this all-time great!
Tupac Shakur stumbles on the play! Stumbling like an activist over the protest march!
This household name Tupac Shakur dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Tupac Shakur crosses over and kicks the stanchion! This generational talent losing composure!
Eminem crosses over past the media. This global icon not in the mood to talk.
The Notorious B.I.G. Stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Tupac Shakur exhales. Again. And again. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
74-119 (L)
Tupac Shakur comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the activist means business!
Eminem clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their hot mic hitting the fiery bars!
Eminem with the careless pass! Spitting the fiery bars with more care, please!
Eminem can't contain the drive! Spitting the fiery bars is more containable!
The Notorious B.I.G. Mouths off at coming out of the locker room! A rapper venting about the fiery bars!
Off to the locker room. The Notorious B.I.G. Has already drained two water bottles. Did you know The Notorious B.I.G. Keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
50 Cent misfires on the floater! Too much float, the rapper touch abandoned them!
Tupac Shakur, this first-ballot legend, sucking wind after that sprint! The 4 periods of 12 minutes of battle!
Tupac Shakur forces the pass! Forcing their megaphone where it doesn't fit!
Eminem buries their face! Hidden from view, the rapper can't watch!
This global icon Eminem stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this global icon wanted.
Tupac Shakur lets out a big exhale walking through the door. 50 Cent holds his in. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
73-118 (L)
50 Cent, this swiss-army-knife type, takes the court! The incredible energy is electric!
A buzzer beater attempt by 50 Cent falls short! Sometimes predictable game in the legs!
The Notorious B.I.G. Loses possession! The fiery bars never leaves a rapper's hands like that!
50 Cent beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the fiery bars slipping from a rapper!
Tupac Shakur tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the activist will bounce back!
Halftime whistle. 50 Cent high-fives his teammates on the way out. Anecdote: 50 Cent once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Eminem with the contested bank shot along the baseline! No good! Bad selection!
50 Cent bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a rapper after their hot mic overtime!
The Notorious B.I.G. Throws it away! Shaky emotions under pressure under pressure back to the basket!
This generational talent 50 Cent fouls hard out of frustration! Injury-prone body showing!
Eminem walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to rapper life tomorrow!
Tupac Shakur avoids the cameras like the plague. Eminem gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
74-119 (L)
Tupac Shakur announces themselves! The activist has arrived and the building knows it!
This global icon Tupac Shakur puts up a bank shot but it won't fall! Off night!
Tupac Shakur turns it over at right from the tip-off! An activist dropping their megaphone at the worst time!
Eminem gets posted up and scored on! This undisputed superstar overpowered!
This top-tier talent The Notorious B.I.G. Stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Break. Eminem asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Did you know Eminem keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Tupac Shakur gets blocked! Rejected harder than an activist's worst day on the job!
The Notorious B.I.G. Finds a second wind! The rapper engine roars back to life!
Tupac Shakur with the lazy pass! Tendency to rush leading to easy points!
This certified bucket The Notorious B.I.G. Gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Tupac Shakur wipes a tear! An activist who poured everything into the effort!
Tupac Shakur walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. 50 Cent drags one foot after the other. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
85-130 (L)
Eminem, this absolute legend, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
50 Cent misses the bunny! A rapper dropping the fiery bars from point-blank!
This all-time great Eminem gets pickpocketed from downtown! Sloppy handling!
Eminem beaten to the spot! Slower than a rapper on a Monday morning!
The Notorious B.I.G., this swiss-army-knife type, waves off the play call! Limited stamina hurting the team!
That's a cut. Eminem stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Intel: Eminem asked Denver Horse-Track for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Eminem with a wild attempt! This certified GOAT candidate not finding the range tonight!
Eminem cramps up! Muscles tight from their hot mic and the rock double duty!
Eminem loses the ball! A rapper would never be this careless!
50 Cent drops the head after another miss! Heavy feet sapping the confidence!
The Notorious B.I.G. Leaves the gymnasium with dignity! The dignity of a rapper with their hot mic!
Eminem mutters while walking out. The Notorious B.I.G. Watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
86-131 (L)
The Notorious B.I.G., this guy everybody knows, draws first blood! A scoop layup to start!
50 Cent misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the fiery bars!
Tupac Shakur, this do-it-all player, gets stripped from the right corner! Hot head exposed!
The Notorious B.I.G. Gets screened out! Stuck behind their hot mic like it's a wall!
50 Cent, this smooth operator, sits down hard on the bench! Sometimes predictable game written all over his face!
Halftime. Eminem throws his towel on the floor walking in. Did you know Eminem plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Eminem can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this basketball god!
50 Cent grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their hot mic in the workshop!
This household name 50 Cent loses concentration and the orange with it!
50 Cent mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to rush taking over!
The Notorious B.I.G. Shakes hands through the pain! A rapper who respects their hot mic and the game!
Tupac Shakur stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. The Notorious B.I.G. Comes back to get him. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
86-130 (L)
The Notorious B.I.G. Steps onto the court! From spitting the fiery bars to this, game time!
50 Cent launches and misses! The orange isn't the fiery bars, and it shows!
50 Cent with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost rapper!
Tupac Shakur loses their assignment! Like losing their megaphone in the workshop!
50 Cent shakes their head! A rapper who can't believe that just happened!
Halftime. The physio pounces on The Notorious B.I.G. To massage his thighs. Confession: The Notorious B.I.G. Believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
The Notorious B.I.G., this franchise guy, comes up empty! A buzzer beater off target off the pick and roll!
Tupac Shakur tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like an activist's energy for the protest march!
The Notorious B.I.G. Dribbles carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
The Notorious B.I.G., this swiss-army-knife type, shows negative body language! Shaky emotions under pressure creeping in!
Despite the loss, Eminem held their own with the fiery bars! The rapper fought!
Eminem and Tupac Shakur share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
82-126 (L)
The Notorious B.I.G., this max-contract guy, embraces the immense pressure! Game on!
The Notorious B.I.G., this combo guard, bobbles the rock and the chance evaporates at the top of the key!
Tupac Shakur throws it away! A pass worse than an activist tossing the protest march!
The Notorious B.I.G. Gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the fiery bars behind their hot mic!
This household name Tupac Shakur throws an elbow in frustration! Hot head on full display!
Halftime whistle! Tupac Shakur slides down against the hallway wall. Word is Tupac Shakur sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Eminem air-mails a layup on the low block! Way off for this global icon!
50 Cent is gassed! This first-ballot legend bent over at half court! Tendency to force bad shots catching up!
The Notorious B.I.G. Throws it into the stands! What was that from this reliable star!
Eminem kicks the air! The frustration of a rapper who knows they can do better!
50 Cent had the chances but couldn't convert. This potential GOAT left wanting.
50 Cent's gaze is cold, distant. The Notorious B.I.G.'s gaze is hot, angry. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
74-119 (L)
This potential GOAT 50 Cent comes out aggressive! Opens with a floater at half court!
The Notorious B.I.G. With the off-balance buzzer-beater! This guy everybody knows couldn't set the feet!
Tupac Shakur, this tweener, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the left corner!
The Notorious B.I.G. Watches helplessly! A rapper watching the fiery bars fall off the shelf!
50 Cent looks to the heavens! A rapper praying for their hot mic to work!
Halftime whistle! Tupac Shakur slides down against the hallway wall. The staff told me Tupac Shakur sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Tupac Shakur steps back but overcooks it! Injury-prone body showing up again!
Tupac Shakur gulps water! As thirsty as an activist reaching for the protest march!
50 Cent with the backcourt violation! This generational talent under too much pressure!
The Notorious B.I.G., this established star, yells at the coaching staff! Heavy feet causing friction!
Eminem sits alone on the bench. This all-time great processing the defeat.
Tupac Shakur unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. 50 Cent runs a hand down his face. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
78-123 (L)
Opening possession for Tupac Shakur! First touch, like first touch of their megaphone!
A buzzer-beater from Tupac Shakur sails wide! This once-in-a-lifetime player needs to regroup!
This guy with rings on every finger Tupac Shakur forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Tupac Shakur gets burned on the drive! Occasional mental lapses in lateral movement!
This global icon Tupac Shakur shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Well-deserved break. The Notorious B.I.G. Looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Anecdote: The Notorious B.I.G. Lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
50 Cent pulls up the Spalding but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This max-contract guy The Notorious B.I.G. Can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
50 Cent coughs up the Spalding! Heavy feet strikes again along the baseline!
This undisputed superstar 50 Cent can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
This first-ballot legend 50 Cent leaves the court with head held high. Fought to the end.
Tupac Shakur hurls his mouthguard into the trash. 50 Cent keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Tupac Shakur.
Season journal
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