My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

102-97 (W)

Look at that bench! Anthony Edwards just lit the fuse! NOT A CHANCE! Anthony Edwards came flying at that pull-up and DELETED it!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Donald Trump whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Wrapped up the arm on the gather, plain as day. Giannis Antetokounmpo gets two, and the bench is already standing. Spin, one dribble, up and in. Then Giannis Antetokounmpo does the whole thing again. Zero drama, two points.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Giannis Antetokounmpo takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Anthony Edwards pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Clean feed from Kevin Durant, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Kick out to Anthony Edwards, one more to Donald Trump, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Rim out for Donald Trump, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Donald Trump drops it off to Aaron Judge on time and on target. Anthony Edwards just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Aaron Judge half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Up goes the shot from Aaron Judge and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Coach calls everyone back. Kevin Durant drags his feet toward the tunnel. I've been told Kevin Durant always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares Off! To win a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards, text HOOPS to 555-0431 and answer this question: 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

Unsportsmanlike foul on the baseball player. Two shots and the ball back, a steep price for a man who came here on his day off. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Aaron Judge is flat on the floor, the crowd is howling, and the call comes back flagrant. Two shots and the ball.

This is the work that never shows up in a box score, and Giannis Antetokounmpo just took two points off the board without a single stat. Kevin Durant grabs it, turns, and slings a one-hander three quarters of the floor. Filthy. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Donald Trump.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Donald Trump takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Kevin Durant pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

This is the counter: Donald Trump punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Giannis Antetokounmpo up there and returns it with interest.

Watch the sell from Anthony Edwards here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. There is nothing accidental about that one. Anthony Edwards hunted the contact, sold it, and bought himself a trip to the stripe. Cash. Cash again. Anthony Edwards pockets the two and jogs back on defense like nothing happened.

Anthony Edwards cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Aaron Judge joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

Contested! Giannis Antetokounmpo makes him change it in midair. That outlet from Aaron Judge is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. Anthony Edwards attacks the paint, absorbs the bump, twists his body all the way around the defender and reverses it in. FILTHY.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Anthony Edwards never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Donald Trump takes it out beyond the arc and just stands there, dribbling, watching the clock melt.

Aaron Judge moonwalks across the hardwood. Giannis Antetokounmpo attempts the worm. One of them pulls it off. And here is the answer to our game show Hollywood Squares Off! Harlan Prewitt of Muddy Boot, Mississippi, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' The answer was of course that they are showing off for the ceiling. Harlan therefore wins a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards! I got a text from Aaron Judge after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

111-100 (W)

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Anthony Edwards has known that all night long. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Aaron Judge kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. BAAAANG! Donald Trump from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Donald Trump stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Donald Trump walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Aaron Judge hands it off to Giannis Antetokounmpo, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Aaron Judge. Cruel.

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Donald Trump controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Screened, toasted, done. Anthony Edwards is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Not a hand on him. Anthony Edwards flat missed the bunny.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Kevin Durant just did it by hitting Aaron Judge on the back side with acres of room. GONE down the baseline! Aaron Judge beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. That is the shot chart lying to you. Aaron Judge did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Back to the locker room. Anthony Edwards punches his locker. Little secret: Anthony Edwards listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And now, our halftime TV game show Concentration on Something Else! To win a giant foam finger that points at the ground, text HOOPS to 555-0176 and answer this question: 'How many exits does a corn maze legally require?' And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.

Kevin Durant gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Donald Trump saw it a beat early. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Kevin Durant passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Kevin Durant gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to investor the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Giannis Antetokounmpo probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

Straight to the logo at center court, Giannis Antetokounmpo plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Donald Trump did all the dirty work on that one. Giannis Antetokounmpo attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Giannis Antetokounmpo is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Donald Trump, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. A cruel spin-out for the investor, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

The defender crowded the middle, and Kevin Durant punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Kevin Durant goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Huddle is tight, marker squeaking on the board, and Anthony Edwards is already nodding before the coach finishes the sentence. Aaron Judge delivers on the second option, Kevin Durant buries it, and the coach is already walking back to the bench like he knew. He did know.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Kevin Durant disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Anthony Edwards is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Donald Trump jumps so high from joy he nearly touches the scoreboard. Almost. And here is the answer to our game Concentration on Something Else! Sherleen Doty of Big Chimney, Idaho, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many exits does a corn maze legally require?' The answer was of course one, and even that is a suggestion. Sherleen takes home a giant foam finger that points at the ground! I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

102-108 (L)

The extra pass! Anthony Edwards had the look, gave it up anyway, and Donald Trump buries it. BANG! No touch. Donald Trump left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Lazy feed into the middle, Donald Trump read it the whole way, and that possession is over before it started. Lazy crosscourt pass, and Anthony Edwards makes them pay. Clean pick, no whistle, two easy ones before that coach can sit back down.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Orlando Magic-Beans with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the investor, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. POCKET PASS! Kevin Durant threads it to Donald Trump between two bodies and the rim is wide open! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Donald Trump!

The investor just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The baseball player runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. That is another catch and shoot triple for Donald Trump, and you can see the closeouts getting more desperate every single trip.

First half is done. Giannis Antetokounmpo is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Little secret: Giannis Antetokounmpo watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Grand Prize Giveaway Extravaganza Deluxe! To win a wood chipper rated exclusively for grass clippings, text HOOPS to 555-1263 and answer this question: 'How many people in this country are named after a basketball game?' Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Anthony Edwards makes it every single trip down the floor. Hard drive, hard stop, and Aaron Judge retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. The baseball player misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Another board lost, and the baseball player is finding out that boxing out never came up in the training manual.

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

BAAAANG! Anthony Edwards lets it go from WAY downtown and it drops as the horn sounds! Whistles. Monitor. And Anthony Edwards standing frozen at midcourt. Freeze the frame: light is off, ball is gone, Anthony Edwards got it out by a hair.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Anthony Edwards watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Kevin Durant. Way short from Kevin Durant off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

OHHHH the bench is GONE! Towels over heads, bodies off the chairs, all because of Anthony Edwards! Two on one the other way and that is a free deuce all day long... except Anthony Edwards says absolutely not.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Donald Trump has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Kevin Durant precisely where the play wanted it. Donald Trump sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Kevin Durant finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. BRICK! Donald Trump throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Kevin Durant refuses Orlando Magic-Beans's handshake. Anthony Edwards offers a limp one with just his fingertips. And here is the answer to our game show Grand Prize Giveaway Extravaganza Deluxe! Ezra Bottomley of Grand Prairie Elbow, California, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many people in this country are named after a basketball game?' The answer was of course four thousand two hundred, and a suspicious number of them were born nine months after a title run. Ezra therefore wins a wood chipper rated exclusively for grass clippings! During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

107-90 (W)

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Anthony Edwards splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Ohhh no. Kevin Durant just walked. In front of everybody.

The investor pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Anthony Edwards drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

SPIN and GO! Donald Trump pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed Donald Trump would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

The investor reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Baseline drive by Donald Trump, he absorbs the hammer from the help defender, and the official is already pointing to the line. First one drops clean through, the second one never even touches iron. Cold blooded from Donald Trump.

Break. Aaron Judge asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Intel: Aaron Judge once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. And now, our halftime TV game show The Amazing Race to the Buffet! To win a cooler still full of ice from last summer, text HOOPS to 555-0107 and answer this question: 'How many degrees is room temperature in a room that nobody likes?' Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.

Set called, Aaron Judge waved out to the corner, and Donald Trump watches the spacing open up like a front door. Hesitate, GO. Aaron Judge is by that hip before the man even blinks. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the baseball player! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

OHHHH the separation! Anthony Edwards just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Anthony Edwards, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Anthony Edwards does. That is body control you simply cannot coach: Anthony Edwards stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Anthony Edwards crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Giannis Antetokounmpo mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Off the shin, out of bounds, and Anthony Edwards cannot bring himself to look at his own bench.

Cross court, on a rope, from the investor. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. A single dribble is all Kevin Durant needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Fifth possession this half where Kevin Durant has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

The investor is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Giannis Antetokounmpo and Aaron Judge just played basketball and the defense got shredded. OHHHH what a FINISH from Giannis Antetokounmpo! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Giannis Antetokounmpo roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Kevin Durant does a backflip. Well, he tries. Donald Trump applauds the effort. And here is the answer to our game The Amazing Race to the Buffet! Virgil Stackhouse of Dead Battery Springs, Nevada, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many degrees is room temperature in a room that nobody likes?' The answer was of course seventy-two, and somehow still wrong. Virgil takes home a cooler still full of ice from last summer! During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

112-87 (W)

Watch the spacing, Donald Trump drags two bodies toward the ball and Aaron Judge is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Down, up, and gone for Aaron Judge. The rim is just toying with him now.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

BANG is what Anthony Edwards was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got. Nobody put a body on Giannis Antetokounmpo and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. Second pass beats the rotation, Giannis Antetokounmpo to Aaron Judge, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. The baseball player just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

That was pure cinema from the investor. Whatever he does for a living, it clearly involves an audience and a curtain call.

Total control. Donald Trump has this thing on a string. Oldest play in the book, and Kevin Durant runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. Two guys on the exact same page, Anthony Edwards and Giannis Antetokounmpo, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. OHHHH that is SILKY! Anthony Edwards with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

Halftime. The physio pounces on Giannis Antetokounmpo to massage his thighs. Anecdote: Giannis Antetokounmpo slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And now, our halftime TV game show Minute to Win It Back! To win a lawn ornament goose with exactly one seasonal outfit, text HOOPS to 555-0319 and answer this question: 'What is the halftime score of a game that nobody is watching?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

That is a charge on Anthony Edwards, and you can hear the groan roll around every level of this building.

One little shoulder dip from Anthony Edwards and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Buzzer on the shot clock, Anthony Edwards heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Kevin Durant breaks a shell down. Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Anthony Edwards, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Anthony Edwards launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the investor made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Donald Trump catches on the wing, jab step, spin move, and that pivot foot comes clean off the hardwood. Traveling.

Giannis Antetokounmpo goes up with the hands to the ceiling and the shot comes off the front rim. Textbook verticality. The pass is the play here. Giannis Antetokounmpo never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. OHHHHH POSTERIZED! Aaron Judge just ENDED that defender at the rim!

The assistant points at the far corner, the head coach points at Kevin Durant, and the other three get told exactly where to stand. Look at the spacing here, two shooters lifting to drag the help, and that leaves Aaron Judge an easy read to Donald Trump in the pocket. Chess.

Donald Trump pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Giannis Antetokounmpo performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Aaron Judge imitates it. It's worse. And here is the answer to our game Minute to Win It Back! Otis Fenstermacher of Tin Roof, Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the halftime score of a game that nobody is watching?' The answer was of course still tied, philosophically speaking. Otis takes home a lawn ornament goose with exactly one seasonal outfit! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

101-113 (L)

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Donald Trump has all the room in the world. Prayer from Donald Trump. Not answered.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Court vision like that on the investor is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Shot clock at one, and Anthony Edwards just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Anthony Edwards had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Anthony Edwards treats every miss like it belongs to him. Up over the box out, and Anthony Edwards catches it clean and finishes strong through the contact. Somebody just got posterized.

Anthony Edwards pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Off to the locker room. Kevin Durant has already drained two water bottles. I've been told Kevin Durant once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. And now, our halftime TV game show Win, Lose, or Shrug! To win a giant novelty check made out for two dollars, text HOOPS to 555-0075 and answer this question: 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

From WAY downtown off the pop! Donald Trump with the extra pass and CASH. Aaron Judge beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

SKIP PASS! Donald Trump fires it cross court to Aaron Judge and the defense is dead in the water! Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Aaron Judge! Nothing but runway to the rim! Perfect drop-off from Kevin Durant, and Anthony Edwards answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Buckets, dimes, and one absolute dagger from Aaron Judge to cap it off. This building is so loud the huddle cannot hear itself think.

Ball moves. Anthony Edwards to Aaron Judge, on time and on target. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Aaron Judge gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. The baseball player had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Kevin Durant rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead. Careful now. Three fouls this early means Kevin Durant plays the next stretch with his hands straight up in the air.

Ball into Kevin Durant at the elbow, Donald Trump plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Third one of these from Donald Trump this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

This is the matchup they wanted all night, and Aaron Judge has quietly turned it into a dead end for their whole offense. OHHHH the speed of Aaron Judge! Nobody in this building was catching him.

Salute: sharp, military, held. Aaron Judge delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. Kevin Durant snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

Aaron Judge replays the score in his head on a loop. Donald Trump tries to think about something else. And here is the answer to our game Win, Lose, or Shrug! Maxine Skaggs of Bitter Root Draw, New Jersey, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' The answer was of course two, always the same two, and one of them is sky. Maxine takes home a giant novelty check made out for two dollars! Behind the scenes, I learned Donald Trump was also an investor in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

122-97 (W)

Swing, swing, and Anthony Edwards finds Donald Trump on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Donald Trump comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Donald Trump, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

The investor pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Donald Trump is walking back with both hands on his head.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Anthony Edwards, and not one single soul could do anything about it. That is a throwback bucket: Anthony Edwards with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Anthony Edwards strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Donald Trump carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Snatched his ankles, and Aaron Judge is still checking whether they are attached. You do not put the other team in the bonus this early. Giannis Antetokounmpo has to be smarter than contact that never had a chance at the ball.

First half is done. Anthony Edwards is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Did you know? Anthony Edwards launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And now, our halftime TV game show Win, Lose, or Shrug! To win a giant novelty check made out for two dollars, text HOOPS to 555-0075 and answer this question: 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Kevin Durant threw it before the help even committed. Giannis Antetokounmpo rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. OHHHH the POWER! Giannis Antetokounmpo took the hit and finished it anyway!

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Giannis Antetokounmpo roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

OHHHH! Aaron Judge met him at the summit and sent that thing into the third row. OUTLET! Aaron Judge rips the board and fires it ahead to Anthony Edwards before anybody gets back! Two defenders in the lane, Anthony Edwards splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Push the pace! Donald Trump grabs it and hits Aaron Judge in stride before the defense can even match up. Down screen, and Aaron Judge curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. So close. Aaron Judge can only stare at the iron.

Over the top of everybody. Kevin Durant to Giannis Antetokounmpo in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. OHHHH, what a read by Giannis Antetokounmpo! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. The crowd has found its chant, and Donald Trump is going to be hearing it all night.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Watch the spacing there, Anthony Edwards hits Donald Trump right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. OHHHH that is filthy! Donald Trump on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Runner in the lane by Giannis Antetokounmpo, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

Anthony Edwards kicks it over to Aaron Judge, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Aaron Judge never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Aaron Judge fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Anthony Edwards throws chalk powder like LeBron. Donald Trump coughs for two minutes straight. And here is the answer to our game Win, Lose, or Shrug! Maxine Skaggs of Bitter Root Draw, New Jersey, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' The answer was of course two, always the same two, and one of them is sky. Maxine takes home a giant novelty check made out for two dollars! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

100-101 (L)

Watch the change of pace from Anthony Edwards, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and Anthony Edwards has earned every second of that reaction.

Anthony Edwards did that, and now the loudest twelve people in this arena are all wearing the same uniform he is. He had a clear runway, he had two steps of daylight, and Aaron Judge took it all away anyway.

Kevin Durant launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Telegraphed. Donald Trump announced that pass three days in advance and the defense RSVP'd.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Somebody explain how the investor reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Aaron Judge pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Aaron Judge walk away from it.

Well-deserved break. Giannis Antetokounmpo looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Intel: Giannis Antetokounmpo asked Minnesota Ice-Wall for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Is Broken! To win a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip, text HOOPS to 555-0781 and answer this question: 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

The investor just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Anthony Edwards has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. Aaron Judge pays for that one.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

He tried to rise over Giannis Antetokounmpo. That was a mistake, and the ball is now several rows deep. Off the glass and out of the gym, Giannis Antetokounmpo launches it and the break is ON! Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. Kevin Durant owns the highlight reel tonight.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Kevin Durant lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Anthony Edwards drags Kevin Durant away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Kevin Durant makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. That is a dime from Aaron Judge that deserved so much better, and Anthony Edwards knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Laser from Donald Trump, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Aaron Judge is gone, so Anthony Edwards earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Give and go! Aaron Judge gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! The defender fronted him, so Aaron Judge sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Aaron Judge throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Donald Trump grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

Ball game on the line. Giannis Antetokounmpo. One trip. Giannis Antetokounmpo had this game won right up until the last rotation of the ball. Somebody get the man a chair.

Giannis Antetokounmpo sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Aaron Judge has his head in his hands. And here is the answer to our game show The Gong Show Is Broken! Gwendolyn Pyle of Half Moon Gulch, Montana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The answer was of course somewhere between four and nineteen minutes, depending on the score. Gwendolyn therefore wins a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip! Behind the scenes, I learned Aaron Judge was also an investor in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

113-89 (W)

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

OHHHH THE CHASEDOWN! Kevin Durant comes from nowhere and pins it on the glass! One hand, full court, Kevin Durant hits Aaron Judge in stride and the crowd is already up. Reverse layup by Aaron Judge, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Aaron Judge lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Kevin Durant drags Aaron Judge away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Donald Trump already has the defense a full step behind. BAAAANG! Anthony Edwards sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Giannis Antetokounmpo passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Soft touch from Giannis Antetokounmpo, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Giannis Antetokounmpo never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Kevin Durant never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Kevin Durant, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

No hero ball here: Donald Trump takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Look how low Giannis Antetokounmpo keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Feet already set, hands already ready. Giannis Antetokounmpo takes the feed from Kevin Durant and cashes it.

Coach calls everyone back. Anthony Edwards drags his feet toward the tunnel. Did you know Anthony Edwards entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Lite! To win a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley, text HOOPS to 555-0402 and answer this question: 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Donald Trump has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Giannis Antetokounmpo precisely where the play wanted it. No roll this time. Giannis Antetokounmpo swings it right back to Donald Trump above the break, and it is PURE. Donald Trump went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The defender planted his feet, and Anthony Edwards said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. AIRBALL! Anthony Edwards missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Oh my. Kevin Durant did not even draw iron. Muscled away at the second jump by Kevin Durant, and this offense resets with a fresh shot clock. OHHHH he went and GOT that! Kevin Durant with the putback jam over two bodies.

STOP AND GO! Donald Trump hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Donald Trump nothing.

Whistle! Giannis Antetokounmpo gets him on the arm. Personal foul, nothing clever about it.

The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Kevin Durant punishes it with a read most guys never even see. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Giannis Antetokounmpo put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Donald Trump and Anthony Edwards do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. And here is the answer to our game Fear Factor Lite! Alvin Kluck of Cheese Ridge, Minnesota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' The answer was of course the same as outside it, only angrier. Alvin takes home a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

92-116 (L)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Anthony Edwards spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! REJECTED! Anthony Edwards takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Donald Trump loses the handle with nobody inside of five feet of him, and that clip is going to live on the internet forever.

Donald Trump gives it up to Giannis Antetokounmpo on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Aaron Judge threads a BEAUTY to Giannis Antetokounmpo under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Halftime whistle! Giannis Antetokounmpo slides down against the hallway wall. Fun fact: Giannis Antetokounmpo is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. And now, our halftime TV game show Spin the Wheel Slowly! To win a coffee table book about drainage ditches of the Midwest, text HOOPS to 555-1159 and answer this question: 'How many seconds does it take to lose a lead of thirty points?' Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.

OHHHH, Anthony Edwards just took that thing right out of his hands! Everything starts with that release, Anthony Edwards hitting Giannis Antetokounmpo in full flight before the defense has even turned around. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Giannis Antetokounmpo rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Giannis Antetokounmpo keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

No hero ball here: Kevin Durant takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Giannis Antetokounmpo attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Gift wrapped by Anthony Edwards, and Giannis Antetokounmpo cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Over the top of everybody. Kevin Durant to Giannis Antetokounmpo in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Watch Aaron Judge plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Giannis Antetokounmpo out of that corner in a blink. Giannis Antetokounmpo rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Donald Trump comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Aaron Judge just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Aaron Judge cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Kevin Durant gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Giannis Antetokounmpo he is on the wrong end of it.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

A fistful of jersey to stop the break, and the bill comes due for Aaron Judge: two at the line plus possession.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Donald Trump, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Onions! Donald Trump did that with a hand in his face.

Ice in the veins: Donald Trump taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Donald Trump bites his lip, fists clenched. Kevin Durant shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. And here is the answer to our game show Spin the Wheel Slowly! Elouise Tackett of Chigger Bottom, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many seconds does it take to lose a lead of thirty points?' The answer was of course four hundred and ten seconds, provided everybody cooperates. Elouise therefore wins a coffee table book about drainage ditches of the Midwest! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

101-99 (W)

SKIP PASS! Kevin Durant fires it cross court to Donald Trump and the defense is dead in the water! Aaron Judge eats the contact so Donald Trump can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Pull-up from the elbow by Donald Trump, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Kevin Durant drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Anthony Edwards has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Push the pace! Donald Trump grabs it and hits Kevin Durant in stride before the defense can even match up. OHHHH the separation! Kevin Durant just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Long and gone. Kevin Durant floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Anthony Edwards keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Anthony Edwards rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

The locker room. Giannis Antetokounmpo sprawls out full-length on the bench. Fun fact: Giannis Antetokounmpo got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. And now, our halftime TV game show The Swap Meet Half Hour! To win a car dealership balloon man with no fan, text HOOPS to 555-1318 and answer this question: 'What is the top speed of a mascot running in oversized shoes?' And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.

A investor breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Blocked into the floor. Donald Trump will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Anthony Edwards sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Donald Trump finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. That is the shot chart lying to you. Anthony Edwards did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it. The shot is short, and Anthony Edwards is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. The whole possession dies right there without Anthony Edwards on the offensive glass, and instead it becomes the two easiest points of the quarter.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Kevin Durant just did it by hitting Anthony Edwards on the back side with acres of room. Anthony Edwards feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. That is what heavy minutes do, Anthony Edwards has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

They do not teach that in the investor handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Jab, jab, STEPBACK. Kevin Durant snatched his ankles and let it go clean.

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A investor making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Giannis Antetokounmpo wanted the contact so badly that he forgot the small detail where your feet have to be planted.

This is the entire night compressed into eight seconds, and the ball never leaves the hands of Kevin Durant. Exactly the way he wanted it. From WAY downtown! Kevin Durant walks into it from 27 feet and the red light is on before the ball comes down. DAGGER!

Kevin Durant hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Aaron Judge shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Donald Trump and Giannis Antetokounmpo swing Kevin Durant around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. And here is the answer to our game show The Swap Meet Half Hour! Lurleen Ratliff of Sopchoppy Flats, Florida, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the top speed of a mascot running in oversized shoes?' The answer was of course nine miles an hour downhill, four uphill, and zero once the head falls off. Lurleen therefore wins a car dealership balloon man with no fan! I learned that Donald Trump's father was an investor. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

102-121 (L)

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The investor just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. The investor launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Careless. Giannis Antetokounmpo had the entire frontcourt open in front of him and chose to reverse into a violation.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Rejected by the scheme, not the athlete. Kevin Durant was simply standing exactly where the offense wanted to be.

The players disappear. Anthony Edwards has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Anecdote: Anthony Edwards slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And now, our halftime TV game show Scrabble But With Numbers! To win a stack of forty three unread warranty cards, text HOOPS to 555-0736 and answer this question: 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

Pass, skip, reversal, pass again. Donald Trump shifts with every single one of them and the possession ends in a contested fadeaway. Four live-ball turnovers now for Anthony Edwards, and every single one of them has turned into a bucket.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Kevin Durant threw it before the help even committed. OHHHH the pin-down! Donald Trump pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Aaron Judge. Brutal. Two defenders, one gap, and Donald Trump finds it. Onions on that pass. Nasty finish. Kevin Durant hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

Kevin Durant points at Anthony Edwards first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Anthony Edwards again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Anthony Edwards waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Giannis Antetokounmpo got the ball, but he got it on the way down, and they are awarded the two anyway.

The investor is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Giannis Antetokounmpo gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Giannis Antetokounmpo, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Push the pace! Donald Trump grabs it and hits Anthony Edwards in stride before the defense can even match up. Whirl, and GONE! Anthony Edwards leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Rises, releases, and Anthony Edwards sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Anthony Edwards kicks it over to Aaron Judge, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. The baseball player pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. This building is SHAKING. Anthony Edwards just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

Ice in the veins: Anthony Edwards taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Donald Trump. Brutal for the investor, who owned the shot of a lifetime for about ninety seconds. Back to the day job with nothing but the story.

Giannis Antetokounmpo avoids the cameras like the plague. Aaron Judge gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. And here is the answer to our game show Scrabble But With Numbers! Nadine Frankenberry of Pothole Junction, Iowa, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' The answer was of course one, and it is invisible, and it is a seven. Nadine therefore wins a stack of forty three unread warranty cards! On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

86-123 (L)

The baseball player just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Aaron Judge just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Anthony Edwards half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Anthony Edwards blows the wide open layup! Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Anthony Edwards has now cleaned up four misses tonight. That is pure want-to: Anthony Edwards was the only man on the floor who decided that rebound belonged to him.

Anthony Edwards cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Kevin Durant joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

In a game this tight, Donald Trump cannot be giving away a free point over a call that was never coming back. Unforgivable. There it is! Second technical on Donald Trump, automatic ejection, his night is OVER.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The players head in. Giannis Antetokounmpo slips on the wet tunnel floor. Little scoop: Giannis Antetokounmpo tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. And now, our halftime TV game show Go Fish for Answers! To win a porch swing missing every single chain, text HOOPS to 555-0468 and answer this question: 'What is the average lifespan of a whistle used in a middle school gym?' There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

Aaron Judge sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Donald Trump lays it right on his hands in traffic! The baseball player gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Active hands, quiet stat sheet. Donald Trump has been poking at everything that moves for two straight quarters. The baseball player just threw an outlet that traveled farther than most people commute. Absurd. HAMMER! Donald Trump goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

The investor pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Aaron Judge launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Baseline spin from Anthony Edwards at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Filthy patience from Anthony Edwards. He waits for the fly-by, leans into it, and turns one possession into three free points.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Ball into Aaron Judge at the elbow, Donald Trump plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Donald Trump lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Cheap. Nothing about that shot was going down, and Anthony Edwards handed over three freebies anyway. He stays out there with five, which tells you how much this coach trusts Anthony Edwards and how little he trusts anybody else.

Both coaches are up off the bench pleading while the officials walk the Donald Trump sequence back frame by frame. OHHHH the cruelty! Two tenths, and Donald Trump gets absolutely nothing.

Kevin Durant sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Aaron Judge winces. And here is the answer to our game show Go Fish for Answers! Peggy Ann Winterbottom of Two Chairs, Nebraska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the average lifespan of a whistle used in a middle school gym?' The answer was of course six years, or two seasons of an especially loud coach. Peggy Ann therefore wins a porch swing missing every single chain! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

101-115 (L)

Won it clean! Giannis Antetokounmpo got up and over him with room to spare.

Down screen, and Donald Trump curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. OHHHH! Donald Trump went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

You could hear the whole building groan, and Anthony Edwards knew it the second the ball left his fingers, already jogging back on defense.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The investor pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. That stepback is unguardable once the drive gets sold, and Donald Trump has had that defender guessing wrong all night long.

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. Donald Trump points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

Halftime. The doctor examines Kevin Durant's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Quick anecdote about Kevin Durant: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Ankle! To win a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska, text HOOPS to 555-0212 and answer this question: 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

Donald Trump kicks it over to Kevin Durant, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Watch Anthony Edwards plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Kevin Durant out of that corner in a blink. Getting to his spot and elevating, Kevin Durant puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Baseline wide open. Kevin Durant said thank you. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Kevin Durant, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Cross court, on a rope, from the investor. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The help defender committed way too early, and Anthony Edwards made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. Oh my. Anthony Edwards did not even draw iron.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Donald Trump drops it off to Kevin Durant on time and on target. Kevin Durant rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. Kevin Durant rose straight over the top of him, and one.

Kevin Durant slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Donald Trump left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Donald Trump is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Anthony Edwards hacks the arm on purpose, then throws both hands up like he has never touched a soul in his life. Nobody is buying it.

Kevin Durant hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Anthony Edwards keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. And here is the answer to our game The Weakest Ankle! Delbert Yoakum of Cold Biscuit, Missouri, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' The answer was of course fifteen, though eleven of those are purely spiritual. Delbert takes home a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

85-119 (L)

The investor makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. OHHHH the hesi! Giannis Antetokounmpo froze him solid and he is already gone! That is the shot Giannis Antetokounmpo wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Dribble handoff from Donald Trump, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Kevin Durant rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The investor just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Giannis Antetokounmpo does. Down, up, and gone for Giannis Antetokounmpo. The rim is just toying with him now.

Textbook two-man game: Donald Trump keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Giannis Antetokounmpo rolls into an open runway. OHHHH MY! Donald Trump throws it up and Giannis Antetokounmpo SLAMS it home!

Break! Kevin Durant takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know? Kevin Durant has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Slightly Damp Prizes! To win a wind chime built entirely out of old belt buckles, text HOOPS to 555-0081 and answer this question: 'How long does a squeaky sneaker stay squeaky?' There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

Aaron Judge gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Anthony Edwards saw it a beat early. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Aaron Judge the moment he crosses half court. Missed layup for the baseball player and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Donald Trump fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close. Hustle play of the night so far. Kevin Durant gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. Second chance points for Kevin Durant, tipping his own miss straight back in before his feet ever touched the floor.

Nothing but a nod. Kevin Durant jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest bench looks personally insulted.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The beauty of it is that Donald Trump never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Two points left on the floor by Aaron Judge, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

SKIP PASS! Anthony Edwards fires it cross court to Aaron Judge and the defense is dead in the water! The baseball player pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Nobody drew up that arc. The baseball player floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Over the top of everybody. Anthony Edwards to Aaron Judge in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. The baseball player takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Prayer from Aaron Judge. Not answered.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Kevin Durant launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Hard drive, hard stop, and Giannis Antetokounmpo retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. From eight feet Giannis Antetokounmpo puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

Giannis Antetokounmpo hurls his water bottle at the wall. Aaron Judge flinches but doesn't react. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Slightly Damp Prizes! Geraldine Sump of Grimy Elbow, Washington, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How long does a squeaky sneaker stay squeaky?' The answer was of course until the exact second somebody else listens for it. Geraldine takes home a wind chime built entirely out of old belt buckles! Behind the scenes, I learned Aaron Judge was also an investor in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'