My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Houston Blast-Off | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Darth Maul! Picture this: standing at 175 cm, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Henry VIII of England, his brother-in-law and a monarch by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying scepter and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Henry VIII of England can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for realm's fate to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
88-133 (L)
Kim Jong-un announces themselves! The politician has arrived and the building knows it!
Kim Jong-un shoots the ball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Chewbacca commits the live-ball turnover! The notched blade would be ashamed!
Chewbacca reacts too late to rotate! Sometimes predictable game on the help side!
Darth Maul, this up-and-coming baller, with the frustrated foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion in tough moments!
The players leave the court. Robert Wadlow clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know Robert Wadlow once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Darth Maul launches and misses! The basketball isn't the game, and it shows!
Kim Jong-un is gassed! This household name bent over at half court! Hot head catching up!
Turnover by Henry VIII of England! Decreing the realm's fate requires less coordination, clearly!
Robert Wadlow can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the rock frustration!
Robert Wadlow leaves the palace of hoops quietly! Quiet as a circus performer after the game setback!
Darth Maul isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Chewbacca tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
89-114 (L)
Opening possession for Kim Jong-un! First touch, like first touch of their campaign podium!
Darth Maul fires a brick from the left corner! Way off, even for a sith lord!
Chewbacca coughs it up! A warrior's grip doesn't work on the rock!
This next-level player Chewbacca can't recover! Scored on in transition! Ego the size of Texas!
Robert Wadlow with a scoop layup on the break! Running like they're late for work!
Well-deserved break. Chewbacca looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Anecdote: Chewbacca lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Robert Wadlow drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a circus performer's spirit has limits!
Darth Maul dunks but the shot rims out! Heavy feet rears its ugly head!
This absolute legend Henry VIII of England sets the back screen! Eyes in the back of the head off-ball contribution!
Henry VIII of England drags their feet! Heavy as the scepter at the end of a shift!
Robert Wadlow vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Henry VIII of England refuses Miami Heart-Attack's handshake. Darth Maul offers a limp one with just his fingertips. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
88-131 (L)
Chewbacca huddles with the team! Huddling up, the warrior strategizes!
Chewbacca misfires again! Having the contested ground-shaped night!
Robert Wadlow loses the Wilson! A circus performer would never be this careless!
Darth Maul turns the head and loses the man! This player on the come-up napping defensively!
Henry VIII of England vents at their teammates! The monarch who vents about the realm's fate!
Break! Chewbacca grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Fun fact: Chewbacca failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Chewbacca can't finish! The warrior who finishes the contested ground can't finish the play!
Henry VIII of England finds a second wind! The monarch engine roars back to life!
Kim Jong-un blows past carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Henry VIII of England slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a monarch hits the workbench!
Robert Wadlow fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the circus performer gave everything!
Henry VIII of England's lip is trembling. Kim Jong-un dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
94-106 (L)
Kim Jong-un bounces the Wilson pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Henry VIII of England misses! Even a monarch can't fix that shot!
This certified bucket Robert Wadlow with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Robert Wadlow overcommits! Going all-in like a circus performer on the game, but wrong!
Henry VIII of England spins past the defense for a finger roll! Size advantage from this this do-it-all player!
Rest. Robert Wadlow buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Anecdote: Robert Wadlow fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Henry VIII of England steps back the towel! This all-time great showing hot head!
Robert Wadlow bricks another one! Building something awful with their bare hands tonight!
Darth Maul exploits the mismatch! Finding weakness with their bare hands acumen!
Kim Jong-un, this undersized dog, looks exhausted on the low block! The legs are gone!
Chewbacca, this mountain of a man, hangs the head. Tough loss despite pure God-given talent effort.
Robert Wadlow and Darth Maul share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
80-124 (L)
Chewbacca checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
A double-clutch layup from Chewbacca sails wide! This player on the come-up needs to regroup!
Henry VIII of England, this do-it-all player, commits the travel! Tendency to rush in the footwork!
Robert Wadlow gets caught flat-footed! This bonafide star beaten to the spot!
This global icon Kim Jong-un shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
End of the first act. Chewbacca is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Fun fact: Chewbacca failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
This generational talent Henry VIII of England shanks an off-balance shot at half court! That's uncharacteristic!
Kim Jong-un can barely run! The contest harder than the contest of shaping the public policy!
Robert Wadlow botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Kim Jong-un, this small but mighty player, sits down hard on the bench! Occasional mental lapses written all over his face!
This household name Kim Jong-un leaves the venue with head held high. Fought to the end.
Henry VIII of England sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Kim Jong-un has his head in his hands. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
90-135 (L)
Kim Jong-un, this certified GOAT candidate, embraces the standing ovation! Game on!
This generational talent Kim Jong-un with a rare miss off the pick and roll! Even the best stumble!
Darth Maul, this compact dynamo, fumbles the entry pass at the buzzer!
Kim Jong-un, this elusive guard, lets the shooter get free facing the rim! Costly lapse!
Robert Wadlow slams the Wilson in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
Halftime whistle. Kim Jong-un spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Intel: Kim Jong-un asked Los Angeles Nursing-Home for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Kim Jong-un, this elusive guard, gets stuffed trying a devastating dunk! Denied!
Robert Wadlow cramps up! Muscles tight from their bare hands and the rock double duty!
Kim Jong-un charges right into the defender! Turnover! Sometimes predictable game when controlling pace!
Kim Jong-un walks away muttering! Muttering about the public policy under their breath!
Kim Jong-un consoles teammates! The heart of a politician in that moment!
Kim Jong-un and Darth Maul walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
84-128 (L)
Kim Jong-un wins the opening tip! Tipping off with politician energy!
This household name Kim Jong-un puts up a deep three but it won't fall! Off night!
Intercepted! Darth Maul's pass snatched right out of the air! A sith lord would never be that careless!
Robert Wadlow gambles for the steal and pays the price! Injury-prone body!
Henry VIII of England buries their face! Hidden from view, the monarch can't watch!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Henry VIII of England walks head down toward the tunnel. Exclusive: Henry VIII of England was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Henry VIII of England whiffs on the jumper! A monarch off their game with the scepter!
Darth Maul soldiers on! The soldier who competes the game with their bare hands!
Henry VIII of England tries to be too fancy and loses the leather! Ego the size of Texas in the decision-making!
Darth Maul throws their hands up! Like a sith lord when their bare hands breaks!
Chewbacca lets fly past the media. This dude putting the league on notice not in the mood to talk.
Henry VIII of England walks toward the tunnel without a word. Chewbacca stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
84-128 (L)
Darth Maul, this little thunder, announced to huge cheers! Palpable tension!
A reverse layup by Chewbacca along the baseline is way off! Tough night for this name that's buzzing!
Darth Maul takes off into a trap! Heavy feet when reading the defense!
Kim Jong-un, this miniature missile, can't keep up with the speed! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
Chewbacca, this name that's buzzing, refuses to high-five! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the chemistry!
Halftime. Robert Wadlow glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. The staff told me Robert Wadlow sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
This established player Chewbacca whiffs on a sky hook! The crowd groans!
Kim Jong-un bends over during the dead ball! This hall-of-fame lock gathering what's left!
Chewbacca, this tower, gets called for the carry! Defense that's basically a suggestion in ball-handling!
Kim Jong-un sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a politician after a long shift!
This well-respected player Darth Maul tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Henry VIII of England replays the score in his head on a loop. Robert Wadlow tries to think about something else. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
88-133 (L)
Darth Maul dunks with energy from the opening whistle! This well-respected player locked in!
Chewbacca clanks another one off the rim! This league veteran needs to find rhythm!
This bonafide star Robert Wadlow with turnover number points! Limited stamina is piling up!
Darth Maul gets crossed over! This solid pro left frozen along the baseline!
Chewbacca mutters to himself walking back! This dude putting the league on notice fighting inner demons!
End of the first half. Darth Maul is beet red but still standing. Physio's confession: Darth Maul purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
This seasoned vet Chewbacca short-arms a sky hook at half court! Not enough lift!
This guy with a proven track record Darth Maul calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Heavy feet taking its toll!
Darth Maul passes to nobody! This well-respected player with a head-scratching decision!
Chewbacca waves off the play! The authority of a warrior in that gesture!
Darth Maul hangs their head! A sith lord who gave everything they had!
Kim Jong-un taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Darth Maul walks through the door without pushing it. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
89-133 (L)
This absolute legend Henry VIII of England gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Robert Wadlow with a wild attempt! This guy everybody knows not finding the range tonight!
Robert Wadlow with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Robert Wadlow can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Henry VIII of England glares at the Spalding! Like it personally betrayed this monarch!
Back to the locker room. Chewbacca punches his locker. Rumor has it Chewbacca talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
This legit talent Chewbacca muscles up a finger roll but can't get it to fall!
Henry VIII of England calls for the sub! Even a monarch's stamina with the scepter has limits!
Henry VIII of England coughs up the pill! Sometimes predictable game strikes again driving to the hoop!
This league veteran Chewbacca can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Robert Wadlow sits alone on the bench. This guy everybody knows processing the defeat.
Robert Wadlow rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Darth Maul picks up his own and folds it carefully. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
81-126 (L)
Chewbacca, this oversized freak, sets the tone immediately! Nerves of steel from the jump!
Darth Maul gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the sith lord touch can't save that one!
Henry VIII of England turns it over in the three-point line! Butterfingers from this monarch!
Chewbacca gives up the easy bucket! Easier than conquering the contested ground!
Kim Jong-un drives and kicks the stanchion! This living legend losing composure!
Break! Darth Maul heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Small detail: Darth Maul wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Chewbacca can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the contested ground, a warrior always hits!
Kim Jong-un leans on their knees! Gassed, but the politician keeps going!
Robert Wadlow dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the circus performer's finest moment!
Robert Wadlow kicks the air! The frustration of a circus performer who knows they can do better!
Kim Jong-un, this short king, trudges off the arena. Lessons to take from this one.
Darth Maul watches the crowd file out in silence. Chewbacca prefers not to look. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
80-124 (L)
This league veteran Chewbacca comes out aggressive! Opens with a reverse layup facing the rim!
Kim Jong-un, this potential GOAT, with a contested and-one that misses in the paint!
Henry VIII of England with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the realm's fate!
Henry VIII of England overcommits and gets beat! Sometimes predictable game when reading the play!
Chewbacca, this seasoned vet, barks at the teammate! Tendency to rush taking over!
End of the second quarter. Chewbacca is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Did you know? Chewbacca has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Kim Jong-un puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their campaign podium can save that!
Darth Maul jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for competing the game tomorrow!
Darth Maul throws it into the stands! What was that from this player making noise!
Chewbacca storms to the bench! Heated! This warrior doesn't handle losing well!
Despite the loss, Chewbacca held their own with the contested ground! The warrior fought!
Chewbacca's eyes are red, jaw tight. Kim Jong-un apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I learned tonight that Chewbacca used to be a monarch. That explains the unique running style. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-126 (L)
Chewbacca stretches center court! Loosening up, the warrior is getting ready!
Henry VIII of England rushes a fadeaway jumper from downtown! Shaky emotions under pressure creeping in!
Kim Jong-un throws it away! A pass worse than a politician tossing the public policy!
Robert Wadlow, this mammoth, gets dunked on along the baseline! Poster material!
This generational talent Henry VIII of England gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Intermission. Kim Jong-un dumps an entire water bottle over his head. True story: Kim Jong-un walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Boston Ring-Chasers. Awkward. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Robert Wadlow fades away the pill awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this guy everybody knows!
Chewbacca wipes sweat with the sneakers! Drenched, the warrior has been putting in work!
Henry VIII of England with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost monarch!
Henry VIII of England stares in disbelief! The look of a monarch who just lost everything!
This league veteran Darth Maul shakes hands and moves on. In the end, lack of consistency proved costly.
Henry VIII of England claps his hands in frustration. Kim Jong-un clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
78-123 (L)
Robert Wadlow, this bonafide star, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Henry VIII of England misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Darth Maul dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a sith lord like that!
Robert Wadlow can't contain the drive! Competing the game is more containable!
This guy with rings on every finger Kim Jong-un slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Well-deserved break. Darth Maul looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Confession: Darth Maul calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Henry VIII of England shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a monarch would cringe!
Kim Jong-un stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a politician over the public policy!
This guy everybody knows Robert Wadlow gets pickpocketed back to the basket! Sloppy handling!
Darth Maul pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The sith lord in them is showing!
Darth Maul walks off in defeat! Even a sith lord's skills couldn't save tonight!
Henry VIII of England lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Kim Jong-un decides not to comment. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
78-123 (L)
Henry VIII of England, this versatile guy, takes the court! The packed arena is electric!
Chewbacca misses during crunch time! A warrior dropping the contested ground at the worst time!
This franchise guy Robert Wadlow dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Kim Jong-un gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the public policy on a rough day!
Kim Jong-un tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the politician will bounce back!
The players disappear. Darth Maul has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Juicy anecdote: Darth Maul was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Henry VIII of England fires a half-court heave from downtown but can't connect! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
Henry VIII of England dishes sluggishly! Sometimes predictable game catching up with this potential GOAT!
Chewbacca trips up in the free-throw line! A warrior never trips at work... Right?
Darth Maul mouths off at late in the quarter! A sith lord venting about the game!
Robert Wadlow sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a circus performer after their bare hands broke!
Chewbacca clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Darth Maul fidgets with his wristband nervously. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Darth Maul.
Season journal
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