My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | My Team | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is LeBron James. Standing at 206 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. The chef's surprise of the evening is Eminem. A rapper by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the fiery bars with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. The budget is starting to look sexy. They're over the cap, the owner is coughing up some luxury tax, and the roster has some swagger. There's experience, talent, and that little extra something that makes opponents take you seriously. It's not superteam territory yet, but damn, we're not in the gutter anymore either. The GM built a smart roster with guys who complement each other well. The kind of team that can wreak havoc in the playoffs if the stars align.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
95-113 (L)
Eminem, this certified GOAT candidate, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Hulk throws up a clunker! Their lab notebook would weep at that trajectory!
Muggsy Bogues, this scrappy guard, steps out of bounds with the rock! Mental lapse!
LeBron James overcommits and gets beat! Limited stamina when reading the play!
Eminem scores at will! A bank shot at half court! This household name domination!
Intermission. Stephen Curry dumps an entire water bottle over his head. They say Stephen Curry has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Muggsy Bogues fires away the towel! This league veteran showing injury-prone body!
Hulk launches a reverse layup and... Airball! Sometimes predictable game at its peak!
Muggsy Bogues dribbles with purpose every possession! This solid pro chess master!
Eminem is gassed! This once-in-a-lifetime player bent over at half court! Tendency to rush catching up!
Muggsy Bogues walks off in silence. This player making noise gave it all but it wasn't enough.
LeBron James sits on the floor in the hallway. Muggsy Bogues sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
102-93 (W)
Hulk, this solid build, is introduced and the arena explodes! This all-time great is in the building!
This solid pro Muggsy Bogues with a picture-perfect tear drop! The crowd goes wild!
LeBron James forces the step-out-of-bounds! This hall-of-fame lock hawking the ball!
Hulk with the behind-the-back pass! Flashier than their lab notebook at work!
Hulk spaces the floor! Making room out there like a scientist clears the workspace!
Heading in. Hulk's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Rumor has it Hulk has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Muggsy Bogues, this little guy, posts up and delivers a floater! Textbook!
The building is buzzing! Muggsy Bogues and immense pressure creating magic!
Eminem sets the perfect screen! Built like a rapper who doesn't skip leg day!
Eminem's got those rapper hands! Gripping the leather like it owes them money!
Stephen Curry walks off the den victorious! This franchise guy owns this moment!
Stephen Curry and Muggsy Bogues leap onto each other like kids. Hulk comes sprinting in and crushes them both. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
100-90 (W)
This living legend LeBron James catches the leather early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Stephen Curry with the smooth half-court heave! This All-Star caliber talent making it look easy!
Eminem forces the shot-clock violation! An unmatched feel for the game on full display!
This elite player Stephen Curry finds the open man! Assist and a layup!
This reliable star Stephen Curry attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Break. Stephen Curry collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Rumor has it Stephen Curry does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Eminem, this global icon, operates at half court with a pull-up jumper! Clinic!
The crowd is on its feet! A hostile crowd as Muggsy Bogues takes the court!
This global icon Hulk motivates the squad in the huddle! Natural leader!
The arc of this game bends toward LeBron James! This potential GOAT controlling destiny!
LeBron James, this global icon, points to the crowd! A hug with the coach! This was for the fans!
Muggsy Bogues runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. Did you know that LeBron James practices rapper on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
103-100 (W)
Eminem huddles with the team! Huddling up, the rapper strategizes!
LeBron James jumps into the passing lane! A perfect contest! Huge play!
Stephen Curry fires a thunderous slam along the baseline but can't connect! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Muggsy Bogues buries a devastating dunk back to the basket! This guy with a proven track record is on fire tonight!
Stephen Curry, this solid build, sets a brick-wall screen! Unreal swagger on full display!
Halftime. Hulk throws his towel on the floor walking in. I've been told Hulk once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Eminem owns the moment! This is Eminem's the fiery bars, and they know it!
Eminem, this swiss-army-knife type, contests everything from the right corner! Natural-born leadership on full display!
Muggsy Bogues soaks in a standing ovation! This well-respected player living for these moments!
Eminem hits nothing but net! A deep three in crunch time! An unmatched feel for the game!
Muggsy Bogues, this dude putting the league on notice, embraces the teammates! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench! Sweet victory!
Stephen Curry does a backflip. Well, he tries. Muggsy Bogues applauds the effort. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
102-119 (L)
Hulk locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a scientist who means business!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, wastes a golden chance with a wild scoop layup!
Muggsy Bogues, this pocket rocket, commits the travel! Heavy feet in the footwork!
LeBron James, this titan, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over lack of consistency!
LeBron James dribbles and it's a euro-step! This global icon proving the doubters wrong!
Halftime whistle. Stephen Curry high-fives his teammates on the way out. I've been told Stephen Curry always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
This first-ballot legend Eminem stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
LeBron James, this big fella, gets the separation but can't finish! Sometimes predictable game!
This first-ballot legend Eminem adjusts the angle mid-drive! Scary good handles body control!
Eminem grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their hot mic in the workshop!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James shakes hands and moves on. In the end, lack of consistency proved costly.
Stephen Curry refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Muggsy Bogues watches it and immediately regrets it. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
97-98 (L)
Hulk steps onto the floor! From discoverring the hidden truth to this, game time!
This reliable star Stephen Curry finishes with authority! A bank shot under the basket!
LeBron James reacts too late to rotate! Injury-prone body on the help side!
Hulk misfires driving to the hoop! Even this guy with rings on every finger has off nights!
Stephen Curry converts the and-one! A bucket! This franchise guy won't go quietly!
End of the second quarter. Muggsy Bogues is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Confession: Muggsy Bogues tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Hulk sends the free throw long! Overcooked it, the scientist touch is off tonight!
Hulk mouths off on a strategic timeout! A scientist venting about the hidden truth!
Muggsy Bogues, this pocket rocket, stands tall when the team needs this seasoned vet most!
Muggsy Bogues can't hit the go-ahead! Tendency to force bad shots when the lights are brightest!
Hulk absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a scientist knows tough days!
Eminem shakes Muggsy Bogues's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
94-101 (L)
Stephen Curry takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Stephen Curry dishes but it's well off! Tendency to rush under fatigue!
Muggsy Bogues coughs up the Spalding! Ego the size of Texas strikes again from the right corner!
Muggsy Bogues, this little thunder, gets dunked on in transition! Poster material!
A fadeaway jumper by Hulk! The building is rocking! This basketball god takeover!
Halftime. Stephen Curry wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Physio's confession: Stephen Curry purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Hulk gets a technical for complaining! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
LeBron James, this guy with rings on every finger, fumbles the finish in transition! Back to the drawing board!
Eminem, this living legend, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
LeBron James, this big fella, looks exhausted from the right corner! The legs are gone!
Muggsy Bogues dishes to the tunnel in disappointment. This hooper's hooper will learn from this.
Muggsy Bogues and Eminem share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
89-116 (L)
Muggsy Bogues spins into position! This name that's buzzing not wasting any time!
This player on the come-up Muggsy Bogues misses the mark! A tear drop goes begging driving to the hoop!
Stephen Curry with a wild pass that sails out! This big-name player giving it away!
Hulk gets screened out! Stuck behind their lab notebook like it's a wall!
Hulk with that dawg mentality finds the angle for a buzzer beater!
Halftime whistle. Eminem spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Little secret: Eminem listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Stephen Curry slams the pill in frustration! Hot head on full display!
LeBron James, this all-time great, with a contested fadeaway jumper that misses at the top of the key!
Stephen Curry uses the hesitation dribble! An unmatched feel for the game creating separation!
Hulk jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for discoverring the hidden truth tomorrow!
This household name LeBron James stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this household name wanted.
Muggsy Bogues punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Stephen Curry slides down the wall to the floor. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
81-119 (L)
Eminem, this once-in-a-lifetime player, embraces the standing ovation! Game on!
A devastating dunk from LeBron James sails wide! This hall-of-fame lock needs to regroup!
Muggsy Bogues, this little thunder, gets called for the carry! Occasional mental lapses in ball-handling!
This established star Stephen Curry misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Stephen Curry, this solid build, waves off the play call! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the team!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Muggsy Bogues asks for an ice pack. Intel: Muggsy Bogues asked Houston Blast-Off for their energy drink recipe. They refused. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Muggsy Bogues steps back the orange right into the defender's hands! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
This franchise cornerstone LeBron James signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Heavy feet!
Sloppy handling by Eminem! Spitting the fiery bars is done with more finesse!
LeBron James glares at the scoreboard! This potential GOAT not happy with the situation!
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this once-in-a-lifetime player.
Hulk snaps at the bench on his way out. Muggsy Bogues says nothing, but his look says everything. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
84-124 (L)
Opening possession for Eminem! First touch, like first touch of their hot mic!
LeBron James with the contested hook shot at the top of the key! No good! Bad selection!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, gets stripped facing the rim! Hot head exposed!
Stephen Curry bites on the pump fake! This bonafide star sent flying off the pick and roll!
Muggsy Bogues, this player on the come-up, refuses to high-five! Tendency to rush hurting the chemistry!
The players head in. Eminem slips on the wet tunnel floor. Rumor has it Eminem does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
LeBron James drives the Wilson into the front rim! That's frustrating for this first-ballot legend!
This respected competitor Muggsy Bogues can't close out! The legs are shot on the low block!
Eminem dribbles it off their foot! Their hot mic would never betray a rapper like that!
Hulk, this guy with rings on every finger, yells at the coaching staff! Defense that's basically a suggestion causing friction!
LeBron James launches past the media. This hall-of-fame lock not in the mood to talk.
LeBron James walks toward the tunnel without a word. Eminem stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
88-132 (L)
The game begins and Stephen Curry is ready! You can see a killer instinct written all over his face!
Off the mark for Eminem! Great rapper, not so great at basketball tonight!
Eminem throws it out of bounds! Like launching their hot mic into the void!
Stephen Curry gambles for the steal and pays the price! Tendency to rush!
Hulk throws their hands up! Like a scientist when their lab notebook breaks!
Break. Eminem collapses next to the vending machine. Rumor has it Eminem has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
This potential GOAT Eminem rattles it out! So close yet so far from the left corner!
LeBron James, this titan, with tired legs from downtown! Limited stamina slowing this living legend down!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Hulk sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a scientist after a long shift!
Eminem sits alone on the bench. This first-ballot legend processing the defeat.
LeBron James snaps at the bench on his way out. Eminem says nothing, but his look says everything. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
89-104 (L)
Muggsy Bogues opens with a step-back three! This solid pro making an early statement!
A buzzer-beater from Stephen Curry catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Eminem loses the rock! A rapper would never be this careless!
LeBron James, this giant, lets the shooter get free under the basket! Costly lapse!
Muggsy Bogues with the crafty finger roll! That dawg mentality on display!
Halftime! Muggsy Bogues walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Little secret: Muggsy Bogues has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Eminem stares in disbelief! The look of a rapper who just lost everything!
This absolute legend Hulk with a rare miss from downtown! Even the best stumble!
LeBron James drives into the right spacing! Ridiculous creativity and elite court awareness!
Eminem is running on fumes! The rapper tank is completely empty!
Hulk, this global icon, takes the loss hard. Limited stamina at the wrong moments.
Eminem refuses the coach's embrace. Hulk accepts it but his body is stiff. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
105-103 (W)
Tip-off! Hulk gets us started! Let's go!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James takes the charge at half court! Gutsy play!
Muggsy Bogues, this legit talent, with the shot-clock heave! No good facing the rim!
Stephen Curry, this max-contract guy, exploits the mismatch for a deep three! Too easy!
This household name LeBron James recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Players head to the locker room. LeBron James has tape on three fingers. Rumor has it LeBron James tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Hulk sinks it when it counts! Money time for this scientist!
Stephen Curry a ball recovery with authority! This all-around player protecting the paint!
The arena trembles! LeBron James with the play and a Finals-like atmosphere follows!
Hulk wants the ball and delivers! A step-back three in the fourth quarter! Clutch gene!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
LeBron James improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Muggsy Bogues plays the imaginary violin. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Muggsy Bogues. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
95-105 (L)
Muggsy Bogues, this solid pro, draws first blood! A bank shot to start!
This world-class player Stephen Curry shanks a tear drop in transition! That's uncharacteristic!
Eminem with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost rapper!
This absolute legend LeBron James caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
LeBron James pulls up through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
The players leave the court. Hulk clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know? Hulk has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Muggsy Bogues mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to rush taking over!
Brick! Eminem misfires on the low block! Sometimes predictable game at the worst time!
Eminem schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true rapper!
Stephen Curry short-arms the shot from fatigue! This max-contract guy has nothing left!
Muggsy Bogues, this undersized spark plug, hangs the head. Tough loss despite pure God-given talent effort.
Hulk collapses into the first available chair. Stephen Curry stays standing, eyes glazed over. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
81-115 (L)
Muggsy Bogues, this elusive guard, takes the court! The crowd fully behind them is electric!
A half-court heave from Eminem hits the iron! Lack of consistency under the spotlight!
Stephen Curry throws it away! Shaky emotions under pressure under pressure along the baseline!
Eminem can't stay in front! Spitting the fiery bars doesn't build lateral quickness!
Muggsy Bogues mutters to himself walking back! This dude putting the league on notice fighting inner demons!
End of the second quarter. Stephen Curry is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Juicy intel: Stephen Curry turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Muggsy Bogues misfires from the low block! This up-and-coming baller searching for answers!
LeBron James is running on pure willpower! This hall-of-fame lock refusing to quit!
Hulk turns it over in the paint! Butterfingers from this scientist!
This bonafide star Stephen Curry slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Hulk walks off in defeat! Even a scientist's skills couldn't save tonight!
LeBron James and Muggsy Bogues walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Behind the scenes, I learned Muggsy Bogues was also a rapper in a past life. You can feel it in the game. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
My Team finishes #13 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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