My dream NFL team — american_football_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Kansas City Burnt-Ends

22-20 (W)

Sack number, oh, does it even matter now? Quinn Meinerz gets there AGAIN, and their right tackle is still looking for his helmet. Nobody else within fifteen yards. Quinn Meinerz with the open-field stop, and that is a five-yard gain instead of a house call.

Loss of six and a change of possession. Penei Sewell with the strip-sack, and our offense takes over just past midfield. Penei Sewell gives it to Ja'Marr Chase on the fly, and their corner is caught peeking into the backfield. Nine free yards. Ja'Marr Chase strikes it, both arms go straight up behind the goalposts, and this crowd gets the three points it came down here for.

That is a gorgeous kick-out block, and Kyle Juszczyk does the rest -- foot in the ground, north and south, nine yards. Kyle Juszczyk gets every bit of that ball, and the trajectory tells you at the 30 that it is going to clear with room to spare.

Fourth and 4, they go to their number one, and Penei Sewell says absolutely not. Ball on the ground, ball back to us. Quinn Meinerz folded that pocket like a lawn chair, and the opposing quarterback never saw the ceiling coming down. That is the third field goal of the day for Kansas City Burnt-Ends. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

TIMEOUT, TIMEOUT! Josh Allen gets both arms up with one second on the play clock and this sideline just aged a decade! Josh Allen jukes at the twenty-five, picks up eleven more, brought down at the fourteen. FIFTY-FOUR YARDS AND HE HAS THE LEG! Josh Allen drills it and this place comes UNGLUED!

The whole squad drops into a huddle in the end zone, heads down, hands in, and holds it silently while the crowd waits. Then they break upward all at once with a roar and the ball goes straight up in the air. Josh Allen is in the middle of it with his helmet off. Somebody's mouthguard lands twenty yards away and nobody goes and gets it.

Second quarter in the books. Josh Allen takes the tunnel steps two at a time. Halftime entertainment: a country act in a denim jacket singing about a truck. It is going over enormously well. And now, our halftime TV game show Concentration in the Red Zone! To win a five-gallon can of end zone paint, mostly dried, text BLITZ to 555-0271 and answer this question: 'How red is the red zone, in terms of actual paint?' Third quarter. The staff spent thirteen minutes drawing this up. Now we find out.

A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Kansas City Burnt-Ends stretches the lead.

Third and 9, five-man protection, Penei Sewell handles his man one on one and the completion moves the sticks. No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Penei Sewell. Down the middle from 36.

The linemen have been waiting all year for this. All five of them wall up in the end zone and hit a shoulder-roll wave down the line, big men moving in sequence like a slow tide. Penei Sewell stands to the side and simply applauds. This is their moment and everybody in the building knows it.

They wanted the seam. Joe Thuney took the seam, took the football, and took eleven yards back the other way before the whistle. The guard pulls, and there it is -- Joe Thuney runs the width of the backfield and kicks the edge defender all the way into the numbers. You can hear the strike all the way up in the press box, and Kyle Juszczyk watches his own football still climbing as it passes the 20.

Kyle Juszczyk climbs the padding at the base of the goalpost and hangs there like a man escaping a flood. The flag is out before his second hand lands, and security arrives right behind it. Creed Humphrey is at the bottom pushing him higher, which is not helping anybody. Two officials and a very tired stadium employee talk him down.

Six for Kansas City Burnt-Ends. Nobody carried the crosser, and that was a walk-in from twelve yards out.

Two high pre-snap that rolled to one high after the motion. Josh Allen read it, held the free safety with his eyes and threw it to grass. Jaxon Smith-Njigba did the rest of the work. Jahmyr Gibbs jogs on, kicks it through, jogs off. If you blinked you missed the whole thing, and that is exactly the idea. The whole bench is celebrating and the officials are already reaching for laundry! Jahmyr Gibbs took the prop celebration one beat too far and it is going to cost this team real field position.

HE GOT A PIECE OF IT! Jahmyr Gibbs arrives with the football, and their receiver is still asking for a flag that is never coming! Illegal substitution. Kyle Juszczyk is caught halfway to the sideline at the snap, and the flag is out immediately. Ohhh, that one hurts. Kansas City Burnt-Ends runs the same counter they have run all afternoon, the backside end crashes again, and it is a touchdown.

Every carry from Jahmyr Gibbs is one more shovel of dirt in the same hole. Two yards at a time, the football game gets buried. Off tackle it is, the tight end seals the edge, and Jahmyr Gibbs is into the second level untouched!

Kyle Juszczyk and Ja'Marr Chase stage a fake postgame interview at midfield. Josh Allen plays the reporter and asks nothing but terrible questions. And here is the answer to our game Concentration in the Red Zone! Arlene Bickerstaff of Red Barn Bottom, Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How red is the red zone, in terms of actual paint?' The answer was of course two coats, and the second one was applied by a man in a hurry. Arlene takes home a five-gallon can of end zone paint, mostly dried! The stat crew handed me a fresh page with three minutes left. I nodded like I read it. I did not read it. See you soon. And now, a brand new episode of 'Border Security: The Line at the DMV.' Emotional scenes throughout.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Champagne-Corks

34-16 (W)

The other coordinator is out of coverages and out of time, and Josh Allen knows it.

He is UNBLOCKABLE right now! Penei Sewell is in the backfield again and their offensive coordinator just slammed the call sheet down! It is up, and it is through. Three more for Miami Champagne-Corks, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

Jahmyr Gibbs drops the shoulder and drives the pile to the one! You can hear that collision from the press box! Second and goal from the four. Inside zone, Jahmyr Gibbs presses the edge, cuts it up underneath and gets in. Touchdown. Hold is upright, the spot never moves an inch, and Trey McBride hits it flush. Nothing about that operation was rushed.

Jahmyr Gibbs takes a knee, bows his head for a beat, then rises and points both hands to a single section in the upper deck. Somebody up there is holding a sign with his mother's name on it. The broadcast finds her in eleven seconds. She is destroyed and so is half the country watching.

The pulling guard never found him. Jahmyr Gibbs shot the crease, met the ball carrier in the hole, and drove him back into his own backfield. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Miami Champagne-Corks, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

Third quarter, twenty-first carry, and Jahmyr Gibbs is still falling forward at the end of every single one of them. Watch the plant foot -- Jahmyr Gibbs puts it right beside the ball, no lean, no hook. Inside 40 that is a rehearsed motion, not a kick.

Jahmyr Gibbs takes a knee, bows his head for a beat, then rises and points both hands to a single section in the upper deck. Somebody up there is holding a sign with his mother's name on it. The broadcast finds her in eleven seconds. She is destroyed and so is half the country watching.

Halftime. The shoulder pads come off Quinn Meinerz and the steam coming off is genuinely visible. For what it is worth: Quinn Meinerz worked a concession stand in high school. Nachos, mostly. Says the smell of that cheese never left. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Porta-Potty Round! To win an air freshener shaped like a pine tree, expired since the Clinton years, text BLITZ to 555-0225 and answer this question: 'What is the temperature inside a portable toilet in September?' The ball is teed up. One whistle away from football again.

That is a coverage disguise and a half. Penei Sewell shows two-high, spins down into the flat, and the opposing quarterback throws it right to him. Third and eleven, one-handed grab by Penei Sewell for eighteen. First down at the thirty-seven. Fourth and 6 at the 15, field goal unit on, Penei Sewell converts from 33. Three points.

Penei Sewell finds the sideline camera, gets right into the lens, and slowly lifts his visor to show one eye. That is the whole celebration. One eye, five seconds, national television. The commentary booth cannot get through a sentence for the rest of the drive.

Creed Humphrey seals the edge and finishes the block on the ground. Gain of nine on the carry. You can see it in the pad level. Jahmyr Gibbs and the men beside him are coming off the ball lower than that front four, and this fight was decided in the second quarter. Twelve plays, eighty-one yards, and it ends with Jahmyr Gibbs diving in with three defenders hanging off his shoulder pads. That is a drive. Trey McBride works so fast that the crowd is still chanting about the touchdown when the football is already through.

Jahmyr Gibbs reels Penei Sewell on an invisible fishing line, hand over hand, straining at the weight. Penei Sewell flops toward him across the end zone like something landed on a dock. The bench is doubled over. The referee waits with his hands on his hips like a man late for something.

Third and 8, empty backfield, and Quinn Meinerz takes him down before the route concept ever develops. Punt team. Their sideline is out of ideas. Quinn Meinerz shadows the route, the quarterback checks it down for two, and the chains stay right where they are. Splits the uprights. Miami Champagne-Corks settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

That receiver covered more ground than an afternoon delivery route, and Josh Allen put the football exactly where the stride was going to be. Ja'Marr Chase climbs the pocket, checks it down to Kyle Juszczyk, wrapped up after a gain of five. GET THE TAPE MEASURE OUT! Kyle Juszczyk from 56 and there was never a question after the first bounce of the crowd noise.

Up onto the padded barrier in front of the first row, both feet off the turf, and Kyle Juszczyk vanishes into a crush of jerseys and spilled beer. Two fans have him by the shoulder pads and are not letting go. He drops back onto the grass with somebody's foam finger and no idea whose it is. The Miami Champagne-Corks sideline watches this with the expression of men attending a funeral.

SAFETY! Quinn Meinerz runs the arc, catches the opposing quarterback on his back foot and drops him in his own end zone -- two points!

Power concept, backside guard pulling, play side down blocks all working in unison. Creed Humphrey is the last piece of it and he arrives with his hat on the correct shoulder. That is a five-yard cushion on a 55-yarder. Jahmyr Gibbs did not just make it, he had another division of distance in the tank.

The entire defense pours onto the field and freezes in a squad photo behind the goalpost -- arms folded, chins down, absolutely nobody smiling. Jahmyr Gibbs kneels at the front holding the ball like a trophy. Penei Sewell is late and slides into frame on his knees. The photo runs on the front page of a newspaper in a city three time zones away.

Perfect technique from Joe Thuney -- he plays the ball, not the man, and there is not a flag anywhere on this field. Count them up, there are TWELVE out there! Quinn Meinerz never got the signal to come off, and that is five yards! Screen pass, one missed tackle at the thirty, and Miami Champagne-Corks is gone. That is a fundamentals problem, and the fundamentals are ours to fix.

This is the part of the game nobody clips for social media, and it is the part that decides Sundays. Josh Allen is coaching from the line of scrimmage. This is where Josh Allen earns the contract -- catch it flat-footed in the flat, then turn into a running back for the next twenty yards. Josh Allen stems inside, snaps it back out, and the ball is ALREADY there. Twelve yards, and he catches it with both feet in the end zone. NO GOOD?! THE EXTRA POINT?! Trey McBride pushes it and this stadium has no idea what it just watched.

Joe Thuney and Trey McBride do push-ups on the numbers while Kyle Juszczyk counts out loud. The count jumps from six to nine. And here is the answer to our game Fear Factor Porta-Potty Round! Norbert Fussell of Sulphur Bend, Nevada, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the temperature inside a portable toilet in September?' The answer was of course exactly one degree warmer than a person can discuss politely. Norbert takes home an air freshener shaped like a pine tree, expired since the Clinton years! Fun fact: this chair is missing a wheel. Every time I lean left, I take a small unplanned trip. Thanks for everything tonight. Next: 'Long Island Medium: Communicating With the Cable Company.'

Matchday 3 — vs Cleveland Blank-Helmets

34-17 (W)

Right down the middle from thirty-four. Cleveland Blank-Helmets caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

Jaxon Smith-Njigba times the jump perfectly, high points the football, and holds on through the contact. That is a fifty-fifty ball that was never fifty-fifty. That ball dropped in like a key sliding into a lock, and Jaxon Smith-Njigba was standing in the end zone before this crowd got its hands up. Through the uprights! Josh Allen adds the point after and the lead grows by one.

He never stops working -- Jahmyr Gibbs has his arm around the pocket before his shoulder pad even lands. That is a hunter's instinct. Second and 9, empty look, Jahmyr Gibbs to Kyle Juszczyk underneath for seven. Give it to him twenty-two times and this is what you get. Kyle Juszczyk punished that front all afternoon and cashed it in from six yards out. What a finish. The 33-yard extra point stopped being free a long time ago, but Jahmyr Gibbs still treats it like it is. Right down the pipe.

Watch this -- Josh Allen sees the safety creeping down, kills the run, and checks into a protection that picks the blitz up clean. Smart, disciplined football from Josh Allen. He takes the boundary instead of the middle, because the middle of the field bleeds seconds. Credit the design here: two receivers crack the safeties, Josh Allen throws it on rhythm, and Trey McBride catches the ball with a convoy already in front of him. Joe Thuney converts. Seven points on the drive.

The whole defensive unit has run the length of the field for this and arrives in two facing lines, arms raised into a tunnel. Trey McBride has to walk all of it, shaking every single hand, like a man leaving his own wedding. It takes eleven seconds. The play clock is running and the officials are shouting and every one of those handshakes is worth it.

THEY CANNOT FIND HIM! Lane Johnson is in his back pocket and their quarterback has come off him to the checkdown four straight snaps! Interference on Quinn Meinerz. Automatic first down, the drive stays alive, and this defense has to line up all over again.

Halftime. The equipment staff swaps Penei Sewell into a dry pair of cleats. The headliner brought a hologram. The hologram is buffering. This is live television. And now, our halftime TV game show The Municipal Matchmaker! To win an introduction to the second cousin of a county commissioner, text BLITZ to 555-2359 and answer this question: 'What do you say to somebody wearing the other team's jersey at a wedding?' Out of the tunnel at a dead sprint. Somebody in there got the point across.

Watch the neck snap back on the replay. Jaxon Smith-Njigba keeps churning through it, which is precisely why the yardage gets added on top. Second and 4, heavy personnel, and Jaxon Smith-Njigba throws it over the top for a gain of thirty-one. You cannot ask a nickel corner to carry a tight end up the seam. Trey McBride stacks him inside the five and the ball arrives over the shoulder the defender cannot find. Somewhere on that sideline a coordinator is doing arithmetic nobody ever wants to do, all because Jaxon Smith-Njigba clanged the easiest kick in football.

Trey McBride hurdles a downed defender on the way in, and once he is over the line he turns around and hurdles Penei Sewell for good measure. Penei Sewell was not warned. He was crouching to tie a shoe. This is on every highlight package in the country and it is not even the touchdown that is the story.

Here it comes, and it GETS THERE! Lane Johnson times the snap count perfectly and the play is dead before it starts! Once a front gets going it feeds itself. Joe Thuney is winning his one-on-one early, the ball has to come out hot, and the secondary knows precisely where to sit.

It is up, it is long enough, and it is NO GOOD. Cleveland Blank-Helmets miss it right of the upright by a foot, and this entire stadium reacted a half second before the officials did. POUNDED it in there! Jahmyr Gibbs through the B-gap with the pads low, and the chains are moving again. This was a numbers game and the offense won it before the snap: an extra hat at the point of attack and Jahmyr Gibbs untouched from eleven yards out. Trey McBride taps the point after through and this one is academic. Seven on the board.

Jahmyr Gibbs does a full slow-motion replay of his own run, backward, from the end zone toward the line of scrimmage, exaggerating every cut. Kyle Juszczyk runs alongside as the defender he beat, falling over in slow motion at the exact same spot. Frame for frame accurate. The building is in ruins.

Twelve men on the field. Creed Humphrey jogs off shaking his head, and the penalty is exactly what it looked like. Play action freezes our linebackers, the tight end slips out behind them, and Cleveland Blank-Helmets scores with nobody in the picture. That is a bust, plain and simple.

This is the value of travel coverage: Penei Sewell follows him everywhere, so the game plan they built all week is now scrap paper.

Helmets on the turf, referees buried in the middle of it, Trey McBride disqualified. Whatever this game was about ten seconds ago, it is about something else now. Field position, then penalties, then the score. Cleveland Blank-Helmets has taken this game away from us one small mistake at a time.

GONE around the edge! Trey McBride feeds Ja'Marr Chase in stride and there is nothing but open sideline waiting! Second and 8, heavy personnel, Ja'Marr Chase for three. The play clock is the real weapon in this offense right now. That is CRUEL football! They sold pass, the linebackers bailed to their landmarks, and Ja'Marr Chase was fifteen yards downfield before anybody turned around!

Josh Allen tries to dunk the ball over the crossbar. Comes up a foot short. Jahmyr Gibbs lifts him up so he can finish the job. And here is the answer to our game show The Municipal Matchmaker! Alvin Dee Swindell of Trotters Mill, Ohio, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What do you say to somebody wearing the other team's jersey at a wedding?' The answer was of course nothing, and then you say it louder. Alvin Dee therefore wins an introduction to the second cousin of a county commissioner! Confession: I had the wrong jersey number for most of the first quarter. Nobody corrected me. That is the scary part. Thanks for watching with us. Coming up: 'Cake Boss: A Birthday Cake for Someone Whose Name Nobody Can Spell.'

Matchday 4 — vs New Orleans Bag-Heads

35-19 (W)

Look at the get-off from Creed Humphrey -- he is two yards upfield before the center's hand leaves the football. You cannot block that. We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for New Orleans Bag-Heads, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

Textbook rep. Joe Thuney sets, punches, resets the feet, and that edge rusher runs himself a yard past the launch point. Fifty-one yards of airtime, delivered by Joe Thuney over the outside shoulder of Trey McBride, and the defensive game plan is now firewood. This is what happens when you play that soft on third and three. Josh Allen takes the free completion, Trey McBride makes the first man miss, and the alley is empty. The loneliest job in football is the one where making it earns you nothing, and Joe Thuney just made it again.

That football hung up there long enough for the whole stadium to do the math, and Jaxon Smith-Njigba was the only man in the building who got the answer right. New York has it. The call on the field was a completion to Josh Allen, and it takes clear and obvious evidence to move off that. Confirmed! Put it on the scoreboard for Josh Allen and let this place shake for a minute. Trey McBride works so fast that the crowd is still chanting about the touchdown when the football is already through.

Look at the emotion here. Quinn Meinerz is screaming at his own defense to feel it, and they are feeling it. Every pursuit angle out there was built for a run to the field, and Josh Allen made all of them worthless with one step.

This place is SHAKING! Kyle Juszczyk has been living in that backfield all night and every soul in here knows it! Freeze it at the stem -- Kyle Juszczyk does not bite on the double move, keeps his eyes on the hip, and turns to run before the receiver does. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. New Orleans Bag-Heads adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Locker room. Josh Allen re-laces both cleats from scratch. Then does it again. The halftime act just thanked the wrong city. The stadium noticed immediately. And now, our halftime TV game show The Joker's Mildly Annoyed! To win a deck of playing cards missing all four jacks, text BLITZ to 555-2153 and answer this question: 'What is the punishment for laughing during the two minute warning?' The kick is up. Third quarter is officially live.

That is a jump ball won by wingspan and by sheer stubbornness, and Ja'Marr Chase has an unfair amount of both. Watch the safety bite on the run fake -- that is all Josh Allen needed. One high look, one window, Ja'Marr Chase sitting down in the back of the end zone. The 33-yard extra point stopped being free a long time ago, but Penei Sewell still treats it like it is. Right down the pipe.

He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Joe Thuney recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. New Orleans Bag-Heads is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

They keep feeding Kyle Juszczyk between the tackles, and those linebackers are already a half step slower than they were in the first quarter. Third and seven from the twelve. They empty the backfield, the mike vacates the middle, and Kyle Juszczyk finds the soft spot behind the linebackers for the score. Kyle Juszczyk converts. Seven points on the drive.

Second and 14. Quinn Meinerz with the tackle for loss, and that play call goes straight in the garbage. The hands tell the whole story -- Quinn Meinerz chops, rips underneath the outside shoulder, and the pocket collapses from the top down. Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. New Orleans Bag-Heads takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

OH, THAT IS A GIFT AND HE UNWRAPPED IT! Penei Sewell with the pick, and the whole sideline is coming over the bench! BOOM, Penei Sewell bounces off the first tackler at the twenty-two, spins away from the second, and the last man with an angle is already out of the picture! Quinn Meinerz taps the point after through and this one is academic. Seven on the board.

Six men form a rowing crew in the end zone, Penei Sewell at the stroke seat, and they pull hard in perfect rhythm across the goal line. Trey McBride is the coxswain and he is screaming a cadence nobody can hear. It is the most coordinated thing this offense has done all season.

Yellow laundry deep in the secondary, and it is on Creed Humphrey. Pass interference, and the ball travels all the way down to the twenty. Back shoulder fade at the pylon, and New Orleans Bag-Heads comes down with it over a defender who had inside leverage and nothing behind him. Perfectly placed, and this one is on us.

This is the least glamorous football on the planet and it wins games. Jahmyr Gibbs into the interior for two, and another forty seconds disappear off the top. Second and six, Jahmyr Gibbs off the right hip of the tackle, gain of seven. First down, and the chains are on the move again.

Ja'Marr Chase reverses the Gatorade tradition and drinks straight out of the cooler. Josh Allen looks away. And here is the answer to our game show The Joker's Mildly Annoyed! Delton Duckworth of Hominy Flats, Oklahoma, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the punishment for laughing during the two minute warning?' The answer was of course nothing legally, but everybody will remember. Delton therefore wins a deck of playing cards missing all four jacks! Tonight I drank a coffee that had been sitting there since warmups. I regret it and I would do it again. We're signing off here. Next: 'Nature: The Migration of Shopping Carts Across the Parking Lot.'

Matchday 5 — vs Minnesota Silver-Horns

44-25 (W)

Second and 6, Joe Thuney pancakes the three-technique, and the run goes for eleven before anybody touches the ball carrier. Three steps, break inside, GONE! Jahmyr Gibbs threads the slant to Trey McBride and the linebacker is still turning his hips! Quick out, Trey McBride catches it at his own forty-five, breaks the arm tackle and outruns the angle. Fifty-five yard touchdown on a throw that traveled four. The 33-yard extra point stopped being free a long time ago, but Lane Johnson still treats it like it is. Right down the pipe.

Trey McBride points at the scoreboard and then stands there, waiting for his own name to come up on it. The operator is half a minute behind and the board is still showing a third down that no longer exists. Seventy thousand people end up staring at a blank scoreboard alongside him, and when the letters finally land the noise is bigger than it was for the touchdown. Penei Sewell has been beside him the entire time, pointing at nothing at all.

Beautiful key read. Jahmyr Gibbs sees the guard pull, runs the mesh point down, and meets the back before the handoff is even clean. Four-man rush, nobody blitzed. Jahmyr Gibbs wins a one-on-one in under two and a half seconds, and that is how you wreck a game plan. Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. Minnesota Silver-Horns is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

PANCAKE! Creed Humphrey puts his man flat on his back and Kyle Juszczyk runs straight through the crater! Fourth quarter, 6.1 yards a carry, and Kyle Juszczyk has won the leverage battle on rep after rep after rep. He STUCK it in there! Not one inch of daylight anywhere on that line and Kyle Juszczyk finds a way through it anyway! Jaxon Smith-Njigba converts. Seven points on the drive.

NO SIR! Quinn Meinerz gets a hand in at the last possible instant and that football hits the turf! We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Minnesota Silver-Horns, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

Seventy thousand people just made noise about a five-yard run, and that tells you everything -- Jahmyr Gibbs is wearing that defensive front out. Out come the chains, they stretch it tight... FIRST DOWN by the nose of the football! Jahmyr Gibbs got there! That is eleven completions in a row for Jahmyr Gibbs, and you can feel this building starting to believe in the drive.

In the tunnel. Josh Allen takes a shove of encouragement from a teammate and shoves one back. The stage lift is stuck at half height and the singer is committing to it anyway. That is professionalism. And now, our halftime TV game show Hoarders, Team Merchandise Edition! To win a spare bedroom filled floor to ceiling with promotional can koozies, text BLITZ to 555-2386 and answer this question: 'At what point does a collection of free stadium giveaways become a structural concern?' Back on the field. Whatever was said in there, the body language has changed.

There is no elegance in that play and there is not supposed to be. Eleven bodies pushing in one direction, and Jahmyr Gibbs carries the football to the right side of a white line. Official review. The Creed Humphrey play. Both coordinators are out on the numbers with their call sheets rolled up in a fist. After review, the ruling on the field stands. Touchdown, Creed Humphrey. Through the uprights! Quinn Meinerz adds the point after and the lead grows by one.

Both linemen arrive first, which never happens, and they get to the end zone before the man who scored. Creed Humphrey has to wait for three hundred pounds of guard to finish a shoulder shimmy that would embarrass a wedding reception. The crowd loses it. The center attempts a split and is helped up by two teammates and a trainer.

BOOM! Lane Johnson comes off the edge untouched and puts the opposing quarterback in the dirt for a loss of nine! Erased. Lane Johnson has travelled with their number one all afternoon and that man has not seen a football since the coin toss. That is the third field goal of the day for Minnesota Silver-Horns. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

Jaxon Smith-Njigba keeps his eyes locked on the football and lets his feet do the arithmetic on their own. Josh Allen could not have found a smaller window. HE IS IN! Jaxon Smith-Njigba takes the handoff, finds the crease in the B-gap and finishes it standing straight up! Jahmyr Gibbs jogs on, kicks it through, jogs off. If you blinked you missed the whole thing, and that is exactly the idea.

Second and 9. Kyle Juszczyk stuffs it for a yard. Their ground game has averaged next to nothing since halftime. Splits the uprights. Minnesota Silver-Horns settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

Games get won right here, in the two feet of grass on either side of the football. And tonight Quinn Meinerz is the reason this offense can do whatever it feels like. Quinn Meinerz widens his base, shields the defender with his frame without ever putting a hand on him, and takes the football at its highest point. Some receivers just operate at a different altitude. Everybody in the building tracks the flight, nobody breathes, and then Quinn Meinerz hears the roar behind him. Good from 52.

Dunking the football over the crossbar has been illegal for a decade and Quinn Meinerz does it anyway, cleanly, two-handed, hanging for a beat. The flag comes out. The crowd does not care about the flag. Neither, from the look of him, does the head coach, who is very deliberately looking somewhere else.

BLOWN UP IN THE BACKFIELD! Creed Humphrey shoots the A-gap and drops him four yards behind the line of scrimmage! Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. Minnesota Silver-Horns takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

Escort service! Penei Sewell is out in front of Kyle Juszczyk and the ball carrier does not have to make a single cut until he is fifteen yards downfield! The punt team already had one foot on the field. Kyle Juszczyk sends them back to the bench with three points instead.

Kyle Juszczyk reaches the sideline, lifts the lid off the orange barrel, and empties the whole thing over the offensive coordinator with most of the game still left to play. Ice goes everywhere. The coordinator does not move, does not blink, and keeps signaling in the extra point personnel as though nothing has occurred. Ja'Marr Chase hands him back his soaked call sheet and he takes it without looking up.

Back-shoulder, and Jahmyr Gibbs smells it coming. He plants, opens the hips, and knocks it away in the corner of the end zone. Second and long just got worse. Jaxon Smith-Njigba with the sack, seven yards back, and the chains are a memory. Right down the middle from thirty-four. Minnesota Silver-Horns caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

This is why teams pay linemen real money. Quinn Meinerz drives his man five yards off the ball and Jahmyr Gibbs gets a lane you could park a bus in. Jahmyr Gibbs sells the mesh and lets it go flat, and the entire defensive front is running the wrong direction. From 51, on the road, into the open end of this stadium. Trey McBride makes it. Three points.

Trey McBride gets the ball to the mascot, who spikes it far better than any professional athlete has ever spiked a football. Trey McBride stands back and applauds honestly. Jaxon Smith-Njigba lifts the mascot onto his shoulders. This is now a mascot's game and everybody accepts it.

Listen to this place ROAR! Josh Allen carried out that fake so convincingly the safety is still hunting for the football! Reception by Trey McBride, eighteen yards after contact, brought down at the forty-four. Nine route from the boundary against off coverage. Trey McBride eats the cushion, stacks the corner, and the football drops over his outside shoulder. Fifty-three yards, touchdown. Joe Thuney works so fast that the crowd is still chanting about the touchdown when the football is already through.

Trey McBride reels Lane Johnson on an invisible fishing line, hand over hand, straining at the weight. Lane Johnson flops toward him across the end zone like something landed on a dock. The bench is doubled over. The referee waits with his hands on his hips like a man late for something.

Joe Thuney lost the deep third, panicked at the catch point and got his hand in early. That is a spot foul every single week. Minnesota Silver-Horns goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

Hand it to Jahmyr Gibbs, let him take what is there, huddle slow, snap it at two. Repeat until the horn. That is the entire playbook at the moment. Jahmyr Gibbs is wrestling a couch up a stairwell out there. Ugly, heavy, and it always ends up where it was going. This is a street fight in a phone booth, and Jahmyr Gibbs is winning it a yard at a time.

Joe Thuney and Lane Johnson dump the Gatorade cooler over the head coach. Josh Allen misses completely and soaks a cameraman. And here is the answer to our game show Hoarders, Team Merchandise Edition! Lavonne Threadgill of Rocky Comfort, Missouri, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'At what point does a collection of free stadium giveaways become a structural concern?' The answer was of course the fourth shelf, after which the house is simply a warehouse with opinions. Lavonne therefore wins a spare bedroom filled floor to ceiling with promotional can koozies! Exactly one thing ruined this broadcast for me: somebody put decaf in the regular pot. I know who. See you next time. Rolling right into 'Air Crash Investigation: My Attempt at a Paper Airplane.'

Matchday 6 — vs Denver Orange-Barrels

20-11 (W)

Incomplete. Penei Sewell breaks it up on third down, and the punt unit starts to jog on. Penetration on the strong side by Lane Johnson, the pulling guard grabs nothing but air, and the whole run concept dies on the hash marks.

Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. Denver Orange-Barrels is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

The throw was a rounding error. Everything after it belonged to Trey McBride, who turned a checkdown into a highlight tape. Everything on this drive now rides on one frame of tape. Jaxon Smith-Njigba is on the sideline, helmet off, eyes locked on the big board. The rule says the football has to break the plane in bounds, and Jaxon Smith-Njigba steps out a hair early. Correct call, awful timing.

Loose football in the backfield, Quinn Meinerz first to it, and the booth confirms the runner was never down. The touchdown stands. You can see Josh Allen on his knees at the goal line with his helmet down. That one yard is going to sit in his chest for a while.

You can hear this crowd come up out of their seats. Josh Allen is in a groove and Jaxon Smith-Njigba is running free between the numbers. The entire building is watching the replay together, groaning and roaring at the same angles, while Jaxon Smith-Njigba just paces. The ruling on the field is overturned. Play awarded to Jaxon Smith-Njigba. First down. The rush comes free, Jaxon Smith-Njigba floats it over the top, and here comes the CONVOY in front of Jahmyr Gibbs!

Break. The doctor runs Jaxon Smith-Njigba through the protocol questions. Every answer comes back clean. Forty people in matching vests, one stage, zero margin. The grounds crew are the real athletes tonight. And now, our halftime TV game show Punt Stars! To win a previously owned mouthguard displayed in a small glass case, text BLITZ to 555-0219 and answer this question: 'How much can a person get for a used mouthguard, cash today?' The crowd is back in its seats, mostly. The players are back on the field, entirely.

Second and 7, Josh Allen catches the snap in the gun and fires the quick game out to Jaxon Smith-Njigba for a gain of six. Chains keep crawling. Ninety seconds locked on a sideline monitor, and Jaxon Smith-Njigba has aged about a year for every one of them. That red flag came out of the coach's sock like it had been waiting all game for this exact frame of Jaxon Smith-Njigba on the sideline. They will keep handing it to Jaxon Smith-Njigba until that goal line moves. Two yards this time, and everybody in the building knows what is coming next.

The whole stadium is pointing downfield and the officials agree. Jaxon Smith-Njigba was mugged, and this offense just banked thirty-five yards it never earned on the stat sheet. Heavy set, extra lineman, Jaxon Smith-Njigba behind the fullback for two. Ball spotted on the one-yard line. Second and goal from the two and they just punch it. Jaxon Smith-Njigba behind the right guard, forward lean, football across the line. Hold is upright, the spot never moves an inch, and Penei Sewell hits it flush. Nothing about that operation was rushed.

That is a green-dog by Quinn Meinerz: their back stays in to protect, so he converts to rush and hits the A-gap before the guard can turn his head. Four-man rush, nobody blitzed. Quinn Meinerz wins a one-on-one in under two and a half seconds, and that is how you wreck a game plan. There is no rule against this. Quinn Meinerz asked for it, this city delivered it, and the visitors are drowning in it.

Loss of four. Trey McBride makes the stop, the chains do not move, and their sideline is already talking about field goal range. IT IS A HEADCOUNT! Somebody on this sideline needs a clicker, because the official counted twice before he threw it at Trey McBride! The chains kept moving and nothing we tried slowed it down. Fourteen plays, seven minutes off the clock, and Denver Orange-Barrels finishes the drive with six.

Kyle Juszczyk takes the handoff, hits the A-gap, and there is NOBODY bringing him down at first contact! Five hard ones! Corner route out of the slot, one on one, no help inside. Kyle Juszczyk wins at the top of the stem and the throw beats the safety. Touchdown. Through the uprights! Lane Johnson adds the point after and the lead grows by one.

Screen game, blockers out in front, and Jahmyr Gibbs sifts through all that traffic to make the tackle himself. That is a pro. PICKED OFF! Jahmyr Gibbs jumps that route like he called it in their huddle himself! Watch the footwork -- three steps and Jahmyr Gibbs is already releasing. You cannot blitz a quarterback who knows where he is going before the ball is snapped.

GRIND IT OUT! Kyle Juszczyk drops the pads, falls forward, and that defense can do nothing but watch the scoreboard bleed!

Lane Johnson and Penei Sewell pour water over Kyle Juszczyk, who was not paying attention and is now extremely awake. And here is the answer to our game Punt Stars! Delmar Cubbage of Scrapple Corner, Delaware, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much can a person get for a used mouthguard, cash today?' The answer was of course nothing, and the shop will charge you to take it back. Delmar takes home a previously owned mouthguard displayed in a small glass case! Confession: I texted a friend score prediction before kickoff. I missed it by nineteen points. The message has been deleted. That's our night. Coming up: 'Alone: Nobody Told Me the Office Closed Early.' Season finale.

Matchday 7 — vs Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard

18-15 (W)

This crowd was already loud, and Kyle Juszczyk just handed it a reason to be louder. Best starting field position of the night. They went to the inside counter that time. Kyle Juszczyk was already sitting on it. Whatever the plan was, it is in the trash now.

Handoff to Jahmyr Gibbs, straight ahead, gain of five. Second and five, clock running. THAT IS GOOD, AND IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING ELSE! Jahmyr Gibbs from 29 and that ball never wobbles once.

Second and eight, inside zone, Jahmyr Gibbs cuts back to the weak side for fifteen. Big play. Jahmyr Gibbs kick-slides, absorbs the speed rush, and the quarterback never feels a thing behind his back. 38 yards. No block, no bad hold, no wind. Jahmyr Gibbs simply missed it and the scoreboard does not move.

Nobody is catching him! Josh Allen authored five yards of that play and Jaxon Smith-Njigba wrote the other forty himself. The sideline is coming apart. They are looking at two things on the Lane Johnson play: possession all the way through the ground, and whether the knee was down before the football came out. It is COMING BACK. The score by Lane Johnson gets wiped out by an inch of paint. That is brutal.

Penei Sewell met that running back in a phone booth, and there was only ever room for one of them. BOOM! Penei Sewell comes off the edge untouched and puts the opposing quarterback in the dirt for a loss of nine! We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

The tablets come out. Joe Thuney and the quarterback are heads down over the coverage looks. Did you know Joe Thuney picks the pregame playlist? The veterans have filed complaints through proper channels. And now, our halftime TV game show Let Us Make a Handoff! To win a slow cooker full of chili that has been plugged in since Thursday, text BLITZ to 555-0470 and answer this question: 'Why does every stadium hot dog taste exactly like the year 1994?' Kickoff to open the third quarter. Everything from here is a different game.

Facemask on the defense. Fifteen yards tacked onto the end of the run by Jahmyr Gibbs. The exchange from Jahmyr Gibbs to Trey McBride happens at full speed with nobody breaking stride. That is timing you cannot install in a walkthrough. HOW did he get that off?! Josh Allen hangs in a collapsing pocket with a rusher in his facemask, turns it loose at the last tick, and Trey McBride hauls it in for six! The analytics chart said go for two. Ja'Marr Chase just made that chart look like a genius.

The whole defensive unit has run the length of the field for this and arrives in two facing lines, arms raised into a tunnel. Trey McBride has to walk all of it, shaking every single hand, like a man leaving his own wedding. It takes eleven seconds. The play clock is running and the officials are shouting and every one of those handshakes is worth it.

That is a violent arrival. Joe Thuney gets there at the same instant as the football and the receiver hears every bit of it -- they will not be throwing many more his way tonight. The hands tell the whole story -- Penei Sewell chops, rips underneath the outside shoulder, and the pocket collapses from the top down. Splits the uprights. Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

Perfect technique from Quinn Meinerz -- he plays the ball, not the man, and there is not a flag anywhere on this field. That is the third field goal of the day for Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

Off the left upright -- DOINK -- and it kicks back onto the field. Three points Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard left out there, and our sideline is losing its mind. Josh Allen is handing out five-yard gains like business cards, and the defense keeps accepting them. Start with the double team on the nose tackle -- that is why Jaxon Smith-Njigba gets a clean crease. Inside zone, run exactly the way it is drawn.

Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

Everything about it looks identical to the inside zone they ran twice on the last drive. That is why Josh Allen has a receiver this wide open. Their nickel had Trey McBride wrapped up at the twenty-six and got dragged four more yards before help arrived. That is not a missed tackle, that is a lost fight. He let it FLY and it is still climbing -- Josh Allen launches, Trey McBride runs under it at the five, and that is fifty-eight yards of touchdown! Trey McBride works so fast that the crowd is still chanting about the touchdown when the football is already through.

Trey McBride doesn't celebrate. He hands the ball to the nearest official, taps him on the shoulder pad, and jogs to the sideline like a man returning a library book. Jaxon Smith-Njigba is screaming in his face the entire way and getting nothing back. The silence of it somehow makes the crowd louder.

Kyle Juszczyk folded that pocket like a lawn chair, and the opposing quarterback never saw the ceiling coming down. No targets, no catches, no yards. Kyle Juszczyk is having the kind of quiet game that wins football games. It is up, and it is through. Three more for Chicago Quarterback-Graveyard, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

Creed Humphrey hands the game ball to a kid behind the bench. Trey McBride hands over his gloves. Quinn Meinerz hands over his eye black. The kid is buried. And here is the answer to our game Let Us Make a Handoff! Orval Muckenfuss of Hot Link, Texas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Why does every stadium hot dog taste exactly like the year 1994?' The answer was of course because that is the last time the water in the roller pan was changed. Orval takes home a slow cooker full of chili that has been plugged in since Thursday! The replay monitor froze in the second quarter and stayed frozen. I have been describing one still image with tremendous confidence. That's our program. Stay with us for 'Impractical Jokers: Reading the Terms of Service Out Loud in Public.'

Matchday 8 — vs New England Tuck-Rulers

22-13 (W)

BLOWN UP IN THE BACKFIELD! Jahmyr Gibbs shoots the A-gap and drops him four yards behind the line of scrimmage! Jahmyr Gibbs folded that pocket like a lawn chair, and the opposing quarterback never saw the ceiling coming down. It is up, and it is through. Three more for New England Tuck-Rulers, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

He hooked it. The New England Tuck-Rulers kicker got too far around the ball, it starts inside the upright and just keeps turning. No good, and their drive dies with nothing on it. No creativity required. Jahmyr Gibbs takes it, finds the crease between guard and center, and falls forward. That is how you shorten a goal line. The pile stops moving and Jahmyr Gibbs keeps churning his legs for another half yard anyway. That right there is the difference between three points and six. The coach keeps the offense out there and it pays -- Josh Allen takes the shotgun snap and hits Trey McBride on a slant into the end zone. TWO POINTS!

Jahmyr Gibbs sets the ball down on the pylon, backs up ten yards, and lines it up like a putt. He reads the break. He actually reads the break. Penei Sewell tends the imaginary flag while the referee walks over with a flag of a very different kind.

OH, THE BALL IS OUT! Creed Humphrey takes the arm on the way down and the football is loose -- AND WE HAVE IT! Jet motion, and Creed Humphrey puts it in the belly of Jaxon Smith-Njigba at a dead sprint! He is around the corner before the linebackers can flip their hips! The drive dies at the 12, but Jaxon Smith-Njigba makes sure it was not a wasted trip down the field.

Three-step drop, hitch route, and Kyle Juszczyk was sitting on it the whole quarter. He has been baiting that throw since the opening series. Kyle Juszczyk catches it at the twenty and THAT is when the play starts! One broken tackle, two, THREE, and he is still upright! Clean snap, laces away, and Kyle Juszczyk does exactly what he has done all season from that range. The hold was perfect and he rewarded it.

HE GOT A PIECE OF IT! Penei Sewell arrives with the football, and their receiver is still asking for a flag that is never coming! Right down the middle from thirty-four. New England Tuck-Rulers caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

The trainers get to work fast. Kyle Juszczyk is up on the table with that hamstring already. The band just spelled out the sponsor name in perfect kerning. Somebody drilled that for a month. And now, our halftime TV game show Survivor Upper Deck! To win a pair of binoculars focused permanently on the concession line, text BLITZ to 555-0141 and answer this question: 'How many people in the upper deck have ever actually seen the ball?' Here comes the kick to start the third. Hold on to something.

Empty backfield, single high, and Josh Allen rips it into the window before the mike linebacker can open his hips. Efficient and a little mean. Everything about this run is decided before contact. The fullback kicks out the force defender and Jaxon Smith-Njigba only has to stay patient for one beat. Jaxon Smith-Njigba treats a 31-yarder the way you treat a light switch. Flip it, walk off, three points.

The touchdown is barely over the line before Jaxon Smith-Njigba is on one knee, ball held out in front of him, proposing to Ja'Marr Chase. Ja'Marr Chase covers his mouth with both hands, nods, then falls backward into the arms of three linemen. This is a bit they have run since training camp and it kills every single time.

Helmets in the air along the white line, and Lane Johnson is leading all of it. THERE IT IS! Jahmyr Gibbs sticks that foot in the ground on the far hash and there is nothing but green all the way to the safety!

Two sidelines at midfield, punches out on the edges, and Kyle Juszczyk identified by the officials. That costs yardage and it costs personnel. Second time in three drives. New England Tuck-Rulers punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

Trey McBride never breaks stride, puts one hand up almost as an afterthought, and it sticks. Josh Allen is already pointing downfield. Watch the plant foot -- Trey McBride puts it right beside the ball, no lean, no hook. Inside 40 that is a rehearsed motion, not a kick.

Trey McBride climbs the padding at the base of the goalpost and hangs there like a man escaping a flood. The flag is out before his second hand lands, and security arrives right behind it. Ja'Marr Chase is at the bottom pushing him higher, which is not helping anybody. Two officials and a very tired stadium employee talk him down.

PRESSURE, PRESSURE, Quinn Meinerz IS THERE! The opposing quarterback gets rid of it with a defender in his lap! Fourth quarter, prime time, and Kyle Juszczyk rips the game right out of their hands. Their quarterback is still on the turf pointing at his own line! That is forty-one rushing yards on scrambles alone tonight for Kyle Juszczyk, and not one of them was a called run.

Creed Humphrey has that receiver on a short leash, and the leash has not moved an inch since the opening kickoff. This is field position turning itself into offense. Backed up on their own two, they try to run play action out of it, and Lane Johnson beats the tackle inside before the quarterback finishes his turn.

OVER THE MIDDLE AND STILL STANDING! Jaxon Smith-Njigba takes the safety's best shot at the far hash, and Josh Allen put that throw in the only window that exists! Jaxon Smith-Njigba takes the handoff, hits the A-gap, takes what is there and stays inbounds. Clock rolling. Off tackle to the right, Jaxon Smith-Njigba for eight. First down at the forty-one.

Ja'Marr Chase pretends to autograph Jahmyr Gibbs's back. Jahmyr Gibbs pretends to be deeply honored. And here is the answer to our game Survivor Upper Deck! Maybelle Snodgrass of Nosebleed, Wyoming, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many people in the upper deck have ever actually seen the ball?' The answer was of course six, and two of those were looking at a bird. Maybelle takes home a pair of binoculars focused permanently on the concession line! My evening in summary: talk, drink coffee, talk louder, spill the coffee, keep talking straight through it. Good night from everybody here. Next: 'The Repair Shop: A Lamp Nobody Wanted in the First Place.'

Matchday 9 — vs Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing

37-18 (W)

We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

The blitz came in like a wave and Kyle Juszczyk was the crest of it. Nothing on that side of the formation stayed standing. Fumble at the twenty-eight. Jahmyr Gibbs beats three men to the football, secures it and gets in untouched. Defensive touchdown. Jaxon Smith-Njigba jogs on, kicks it through, jogs off. If you blinked you missed the whole thing, and that is exactly the idea.

They came back to the inside zone that worked in the first quarter. Trey McBride adjusted the fit, took the cutback lane away, and it died on contact. Right down the middle from thirty-four. Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

Joe Thuney and his unit have given up nothing on the last eleven dropbacks. That trench belongs to them now. MOSSED HIM! Joe Thuney climbs over the top of the defender and rips it away! Josh Allen threw it up and let his man go get it! From 51, on the road, into the open end of this stadium. Joe Thuney makes it. Three points.

Look at the get-off from Kyle Juszczyk -- he is two yards upfield before the center's hand leaves the football. You cannot block that. A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing stretches the lead.

Halftime. Josh Allen has a knot on his forearm the size of a golf ball and mentions it to nobody. Halftime is a rapper backed by a full marching band, and honestly that combination has never once missed. And now, our halftime TV game show Whose Line Judge Is It Anyway! To win a whistle with a pea in it that has stopped believing, text BLITZ to 555-0114 and answer this question: 'Who officiates the officials at a family cookout?' Out of the tunnel. Helmets on, chin straps buckled, no more talking.

Intentional grounding on Josh Allen. Loss of down, and the ball comes back to the spot of the foul. Snap, hitch, THROW! Josh Allen puts it on the numbers of Trey McBride and this offense has found a heartbeat! Bounce it OUTSIDE! Trey McBride sees the pursuit overrun the play, hits the sideline and dives at the pylon for the score! The loneliest job in football is the one where making it earns you nothing, and Joe Thuney just made it again.

The crowd noise is doing its job. Creed Humphrey never heard the cadence, so he guessed, and he guessed early. First and 10, Creed Humphrey hits the slant for eight. Simple, clean, right on schedule. Jaxon Smith-Njigba used that back pylon like a fence post -- plant, turn, and the football arrived like it had an appointment. Two-point conversion attempt is no good. Kyle Juszczyk tackled at the one.

Jaxon Smith-Njigba takes a knee, bows his head for a beat, then rises and points both hands to a single section in the upper deck. Somebody up there is holding a sign with his mother's name on it. The broadcast finds her in eleven seconds. She is destroyed and so is half the country watching.

Loss of four. Trey McBride makes the stop, the chains do not move, and their sideline is already talking about field goal range. Trey McBride folded that pocket like a lawn chair, and the opposing quarterback never saw the ceiling coming down. It is up, and it is through. Three more for Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

First and goal from the three, Jahmyr Gibbs into the teeth of it, and he gets a yard and a half. Second and goal. Josh Allen pumps, the linebacker jumps, and Jahmyr Gibbs is WIDE OPEN in the back corner! Easiest six points anybody scores today! Hold is upright, the spot never moves an inch, and Creed Humphrey hits it flush. Nothing about that operation was rushed.

Three receivers set the pylons in a triangle and Jahmyr Gibbs bowls the football straight through them. Strike. All three go down. Trey McBride does the scoreboard signal with both hands while an official jogs in reaching for his flag and the whole bench falls over laughing.

Third and 8, empty backfield, and Joe Thuney takes him down before the route concept ever develops. Punt team. Press at the line, hip to hip down the numbers -- Joe Thuney takes the release away and the throw never leaves the quarterback's hand. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Erased. Trey McBride has travelled with their number one all afternoon and that man has not seen a football since the coin toss. Three hurries on the last four dropbacks, two of them charged to Jahmyr Gibbs.

Fourth and 4, they go to their number one, and Joe Thuney says absolutely not. Ball on the ground, ball back to us. Sack number, oh, does it even matter now? Trey McBride gets there AGAIN, and their right tackle is still looking for his helmet. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Las Vegas Double-or-Nothing, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

Kyle Juszczyk went into that pile the way you wade into cold surf, and he came out the other side dragging two defenders across the line with him. The play by Penei Sewell is under review. The referee takes the tablet at the sideline, and this whole stadium drops to a murmur at once. The replay runs four times on the big board, and four times this crowd gets a little louder for Penei Sewell. Lane Johnson converts. Seven points on the drive.

The offense lines up as a marching band across the goal line -- air trombones, air tuba, Penei Sewell out front as drum major with the football as a baton. They high-step ten yards in something like time. It is genuinely terrible. It is also the best thing anyone in this stadium has ever seen.

The other sideline is pleading with the officials to hurry it along, and Kyle Juszczyk is in absolutely no rush whatsoever. Everybody drops, everybody sprints upfield, and Kyle Juszczyk walks into a hallway that had four defenders standing in it a second ago.

Ja'Marr Chase climbs onto the bench and conducts the crowd like an orchestra. Jahmyr Gibbs joins on air drums. And here is the answer to our game Whose Line Judge Is It Anyway! Ardith Muckle of Halibut Elbow, Alaska, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Who officiates the officials at a family cookout?' The answer was of course an aunt, and her ruling is final and cannot be reviewed. Ardith takes home a whistle with a pea in it that has stopped believing! I stepped outside for air at halftime and locked myself out. A ball boy let me back in. I owe that kid. Good night, everyone. Next: 'Hell's Kitchen: Making Toast for Twelve People With One Toaster.'

Matchday 10 — vs Seattle Seismographs

16-14 (W)

TOUCHDOWN! Josh Allen puts it on a rope and Jaxon Smith-Njigba squeezes it in with a defender draped all over his back! Penei Sewell stands with his hands on his hips at the 30, waiting on a man in a striped shirt and a television screen to decide his afternoon. You could hear the air leave this building. Penei Sewell is down on his haunches with his back to the play while the referee signals no touchdown.

The hands tell the whole story -- Penei Sewell chops, rips underneath the outside shoulder, and the pocket collapses from the top down. Penei Sewell was in a footrace he had already lost, so he tried to slow the traffic. The officials do not accept that excuse. And the flag gets picked up. Seattle Seismographs keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

Off the back shoulder, off the fingertips, off to third down. Josh Allen shakes his head all the way back to the line. Quinn Meinerz spends all afternoon kicking, and then puts more touch on that throw than anybody has managed all quarter. Third and one and they keep it on the ground. Trey McBride slides off the double team and stretches the football over the goal line. That is the one kick you are not allowed to miss, and Quinn Meinerz missed it. Six instead of seven, and that math is going to matter later.

Six rushers, five blockers, and Joe Thuney is the free hat. That math was settled at the line of scrimmage. He played the eyes the entire way. Lane Johnson never looked at the receiver -- he broke on the shoulder turn and the football came to him. Screen game to the field side. Lane Johnson follows the guard, cuts off his hip at the thirty and finishes it untouched. The 33-yard extra point stopped being free a long time ago, but Quinn Meinerz still treats it like it is. Right down the pipe.

Lane Johnson does a full slow-motion replay of his own run, backward, from the end zone toward the line of scrimmage, exaggerating every cut. Joe Thuney runs alongside as the defender he beat, falling over in slow motion at the exact same spot. Frame for frame accurate. The building is in ruins.

BOTH BENCHES ARE EMPTY! Bodies pouring onto the field around midfield, and Josh Allen is dead center in the pile. Second time in three drives. Seattle Seismographs punches it in from the two and our front seven is standing there with hands on knees.

Halftime. Joe Thuney eats a peanut butter sandwich in the corner. Same one, every single week. The confetti cannons misfired during warmups. They are still picking confetti out of the end zone. And now, our halftime TV game show Storage Wars Equipment Shed! To win a padlocked equipment shed and absolutely no key to it, text BLITZ to 555-0084 and answer this question: 'What is inside the equipment shed that nobody has opened since 1979?' The teams come out side by side and nobody is looking at anybody.

Sack, strip, recovery. Kyle Juszczyk does all three inside of two seconds, and this drive is dead on arrival.

Hands inside, hips under, drive through. Lane Johnson wins the leverage battle at the snap and that defensive tackle is now a spectator on the turf. Look at the approach: Kyle Juszczyk takes his last step short, gets underneath the football, and the whole thing comes off the toe. Plenty of height, no direction.

Their best edge rusher, one on one, no chip, no help, and Quinn Meinerz rides him three yards past the quarterback. That matchup has been settled since the first quarter. The protection folded inside and Quinn Meinerz paid for it. Nothing wrong with the leg, everything wrong with the wall in front of it.

Incomplete pass, intended for the slot. Josh Allen is 4 of 9 since halftime and this offense is still hunting a rhythm. Nobody home! Jahmyr Gibbs lets it go and Jaxon Smith-Njigba catches it with nothing but grass around him. The gamble is GOOD! Speed to the perimeter is the entire idea here, and Jaxon Smith-Njigba has more of it than the linebacker chasing him. That race was over at the snap.

Rip! Josh Allen fires it low and away from the trailing corner, and Jaxon Smith-Njigba turns upfield for a few more before the safety arrives. Jaxon Smith-Njigba pops straight up and points down at the yellow on the grass, in case one person in the building somehow missed it. That defender went down like a stack of empty crates, and Jaxon Smith-Njigba never so much as broke stride.

First and ten, sweep to the field side, Jahmyr Gibbs picks up twelve before stepping out. Yards and clock, both in their favor. Jahmyr Gibbs strikes it, both arms go straight up behind the goalposts, and this crowd gets the three points it came down here for.

Jahmyr Gibbs mimes an enormous phone call from behind the goalpost, pointing at the ball, nodding seriously, holding up one finger to ask the crowd for quiet. Nobody quiets. He says a few words into his hand and hangs up. Ja'Marr Chase takes the imaginary phone next and gets flagged for a call that lasted too long.

Man coverage cannot survive traffic. Josh Allen knows the rub is coming underneath and throws it into the pile with total confidence. They have one timeout left and Ja'Marr Chase is forcing them to spend it. Nothing outside the numbers, nothing near the boundary, nothing that stops that clock. The edge is GONE and Ja'Marr Chase is through it! That is a defensive front getting moved off the ball on national television!

Josh Allen hugs the equipment manager, the head trainer, and a man holding a clipboard that nobody recognizes. And here is the answer to our game Storage Wars Equipment Shed! Rowena Tschudy of Crab Cake Bottom, Maryland, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is inside the equipment shed that nobody has opened since 1979?' The answer was of course tackling dummies, and they have organized. Rowena takes home a padlocked equipment shed and absolutely no key to it! I heard down in the tunnel that Jahmyr Gibbs trained as a volunteer firefighter before the league. The hand placement makes total sense now. That's a wrap on tonight. And now, 'Cold Case: The Umbrella I Left on a Train in 2019.'

Matchday 11 — vs Pittsburgh Dish-Towels

25-15 (W)

Look at the get-off from Creed Humphrey -- he is two yards upfield before the center's hand leaves the football. You cannot block that. BOOM! Creed Humphrey comes off the edge untouched and puts the opposing quarterback in the dirt for a loss of nine! Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Pittsburgh Dish-Towels adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Josh Allen pulled the emergency brake with the front wheel already off the cliff. Expensive, sure, but the bus is still on the road. There is the CREASE! Josh Allen bounces off the seal and gets all the way to the numbers before the safety can close! From 51, on the road, into the open end of this stadium. Josh Allen makes it. Three points.

Ball tucked, Josh Allen drops into a three-point stance facing the Pittsburgh Dish-Towels bench and holds it. Just holds it. Their entire sideline is on the white line yelling. Trey McBride hauls him up by the belt and steers him away before the yellow comes out, and the crowd boos the peacemaking.

HE GOT A PIECE OF IT! Jahmyr Gibbs arrives with the football, and their receiver is still asking for a flag that is never coming! Right down the middle from thirty-four. Pittsburgh Dish-Towels caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

Look at the two linemen out in front of Kyle Juszczyk -- when a big man is running in space and enjoying himself, somebody is about to get folded up. Kyle Juszczyk treats a 31-yarder the way you treat a light switch. Flip it, walk off, three points.

Kyle Juszczyk spikes the ball so hard it comes off the turf and clears the crossbar behind him. He watches it go, arms out, genuinely surprised at himself. Joe Thuney sprints past and dives headfirst into the end zone paint for no reason at all. The stadium is a wall of noise before anybody remembers there is an extra point to kick.

This is the throw that separates arms. Josh Allen has to beat a corner driving downhill from ten yards away, and he beats him with pure velocity. That jump cut from Ja'Marr Chase is filthy. The tackler committed his weight and there is no way to get it back. You can hear the strike all the way up in the press box, and Ja'Marr Chase watches his own football still climbing as it passes the 20.

Ja'Marr Chase mimes lifting an enormous, impossibly heavy trophy off the turf -- knees bent, back straight, veins popping. It takes him four seconds to get it overhead. Jahmyr Gibbs spots him like a training partner. They parade it around the end zone and hand it, ceremonially, to the referee, who does not accept it.

In from the cold. Kyle Juszczyk has turf pellets packed into every seam of that uniform. Rumor has it Kyle Juszczyk memorized the fight song as a rookie and now sings it in the shower. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show Win, Lose, or Kneel! To win a church kneeling pad repurposed for the sideline, text BLITZ to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'What is the sound of a quarterback taking a knee?' The return unit sets its wall. The kick is on the way.

Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Pittsburgh Dish-Towels, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

Single high safety cheating down into the run fit. One receiver, one corner, nobody behind them: Ja'Marr Chase wins by two steps and the rest is a track meet. Penei Sewell stands with his hands on his hips at the 30, waiting on a man in a striped shirt and a television screen to decide his afternoon. The question was possession through the ground, and Penei Sewell keeps that football pinned to his ribs the entire way down. Clean score. Kyle Juszczyk converts. Seven points on the drive.

Penei Sewell mimes lifting an enormous, impossibly heavy trophy off the turf -- knees bent, back straight, veins popping. It takes him four seconds to get it overhead. Quinn Meinerz spots him like a training partner. They parade it around the end zone and hand it, ceremonially, to the referee, who does not accept it.

HE BURIED HIM! Joe Thuney drove him fifteen yards downfield and finished him flat on his back inside the numbers, and Jahmyr Gibbs is STILL running! Play action out of a heavy set pulls both linebackers downhill. Jahmyr Gibbs leaks out on the backside and there is not a defender within eight yards of him. The coverage sat right on top of that route and Trey McBride never got separation on the back line. Incomplete, and the scoreboard shows six.

Jahmyr Gibbs mimes an enormous phone call from behind the goalpost, pointing at the ball, nodding seriously, holding up one finger to ask the crowd for quiet. Nobody quiets. He says a few words into his hand and hangs up. Trey McBride takes the imaginary phone next and gets flagged for a call that lasted too long.

Jahmyr Gibbs plucked that thing out of the air with the calm of somebody taking mail out of his own box. Nothing hurried about it at all. Jahmyr Gibbs pulled, found the only defender who actually mattered, and put him on skates. Kyle Juszczyk handled the easy part after that. Everybody in the building tracks the flight, nobody breathes, and then Kyle Juszczyk hears the roar behind him. Good from 52.

He is UNBLOCKABLE right now! Jahmyr Gibbs is in the backfield again and their offensive coordinator just slammed the call sheet down! That is the third field goal of the day for Pittsburgh Dish-Towels. All those red zone stops, and we are still staring at nine points from a kicker.

Third and 9, they pick up 6. Joe Thuney closes the door in space and the punt team comes on. Joe Thuney has both arms up asking for more, and this building is answering. The opposing quarterback cannot get a cadence out of his mouth.

THAT IS A WALL! Joe Thuney and the front seven meet them square at the point of attack, and there is no crease to be found! Fifty-one yards and it is good with room to spare. Pittsburgh Dish-Towels takes the lead back, and their kicker just woke that whole sideline up.

Hand it to Kyle Juszczyk, let him take what is there, huddle slow, snap it at two. Repeat until the horn. That is the entire playbook at the moment. The whole front flows inside and Kyle Juszczyk takes it the other way around the corner. Nobody set the edge, nobody had contain.

Joe Thuney and Josh Allen argue over who keeps the ball. Lane Johnson already has it and is halfway to the tunnel. And here is the answer to our game Win, Lose, or Kneel! Clyde Pettengill of Quahog Flats, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the sound of a quarterback taking a knee?' The answer was of course forty thousand people putting on their coats at the exact same time. Clyde takes home a church kneeling pad repurposed for the sideline! I got a text from my brother in the fourth quarter that just said stop shouting. He was at the game. Section 214. Good night from all of us here. Next: 'Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives: The Vending Machine on Floor Three.'

Matchday 12 — vs Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof

26-16 (W)

Quinn Meinerz hit that pile like a dropped anchor, and the entire run game stopped moving right there. It is up, and it is through. Three more for Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof, and a two-possession game feels a whole lot different than a one-possession game.

Play action, quick game off it from Josh Allen, and Trey McBride has a free release into the flat with nobody within five yards. Six on the board. The loneliest job in football is the one where making it earns you nothing, and Creed Humphrey just made it again. Kyle Juszczyk finishes the play and then puts on a full production in the end zone -- and here comes the flag. Unsportsmanlike conduct, fifteen yards.

Josh Allen sold that cadence like a street magician, and the entire defensive front bought a ticket. SEE YOU LATER! Josh Allen is gone, the corner pulls up at the twenty because there is no point in chasing, and that scoreboard has just flipped! Ninety-something percent of these go through in this league. Ja'Marr Chase just found the other bucket, and the one-point margin is now live.

He was beaten by a full step and it did not matter. Creed Humphrey recovers, finds the ball late, and rakes it out at the catch point. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

One twitch from Penei Sewell and a perfectly good call goes in the trash before the ball ever moves. Penei Sewell gets the football out in 1.6 seconds. Their pass rush might as well have stayed in the tunnel for that one. The unglamorous guy finally gets his! Trey McBride blocked on eleven straight snaps and then walked into the end zone on the twelfth. He EARNED that football. Jahmyr Gibbs reaches, the ball is short of the plane, and the officials wave it off. Still a six-point drive.

Halftime whistle. Trey McBride slaps the offensive line on the back as they file past. Confession: Trey McBride eats exactly one hot dog at halftime of preseason games. Never in the regular season. And now, our halftime TV game show Big Brother-in-Law's Fantasy League! To win a fantasy draft board with every single name misspelled, text BLITZ to 555-0079 and answer this question: 'At what exact moment does a fantasy league become a lifelong grudge?' They are back and they are ready. There is the whistle.

Kyle Juszczyk is wrestling a couch up a stairwell out there. Ugly, heavy, and it always ends up where it was going. Kyle Juszczyk goes in low like a man forcing a jammed door with his shoulder, and the frame finally lets go. Measurement on the field. It is a first down. Kyle Juszczyk with the carry, and the drive continues. Kyle Juszczyk takes off like a kid clearing a hedge and comes down eleven yards later with the ball still in his hands.

A false start backs them up five yards and it does not matter one bit. Good from forty-two, and Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof stretches the lead.

Delay of game on the road offense. Penei Sewell raises his arms one more time and the noise goes up another notch.

Run the tape back on the substitution: Jahmyr Gibbs steps in, the call changes, and nobody waves him back. That is the whole penalty in one clip. Screen pass, one missed tackle at the thirty, and Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof is gone. That is a fundamentals problem, and the fundamentals are ours to fix.

Loss of four. Penei Sewell makes the stop, the chains do not move, and their sideline is already talking about field goal range. The wind at the open end of this place grabs the Dallas Hole-In-The-Roof attempt and the ball dies three yards short of the crossbar. You could hear our bench exhale from the parking lot.

Motion, snap, handoff -- Trey McBride is basically a turnstile on this play, and it only works because the defense has to honor everything else he does. Their corner had the angle and the leverage and it bought him absolutely nothing. That is a coverage player finding out Jaxon Smith-Njigba hits forty pounds heavier than the scouting report said. That ball dropped in like a key sliding into a lock, and Jaxon Smith-Njigba was standing in the end zone before this crowd got its hands up. Lane Johnson jogs on, kicks it through, jogs off. If you blinked you missed the whole thing, and that is exactly the idea.

Second and 8, heavy personnel, Kyle Juszczyk for three. The play clock is the real weapon in this offense right now. Kyle Juszczyk follows that block the way a car follows a snowplow. Somebody else clears it, he just keeps his foot down.

Kyle Juszczyk and Penei Sewell sprint at each other from twenty yards out, then stop short and shake hands like gentlemen. And here is the answer to our game Big Brother-in-Law's Fantasy League! Earline Puckerbrush of Draft Day, South Dakota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'At what exact moment does a fantasy league become a lifelong grudge?' The answer was of course the ninth round, and the grudge outlives both participants. Earline takes home a fantasy draft board with every single name misspelled! I spent this game trying to remember where I parked. I have narrowed it down to two lots. That's a wrap on tonight. And now, 'Cold Case: The Umbrella I Left on a Train in 2019.'

Matchday 13 — vs Green Bay Shareholders

17-16 (W)

Gain of nothing. Trey McBride with the stop, and they are staring at third and long all over again. We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Green Bay Shareholders, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

Somebody is going to run out of voice before this quarter is over, and it is going to be Trey McBride.

HOUSE CALL! Five yard throw from Josh Allen, forty yard run from Jaxon Smith-Njigba, and a hitch route just went the distance! Point after by Creed Humphrey is no good. The score stays at six on the drive. Jaxon Smith-Njigba is insisting he did nothing, the official is already stepping off the yardage, and that is not a conversation anybody has ever won.

Jaxon Smith-Njigba spins the ball on the turf, drops to a crouch, and stares at it like it owes him an explanation. It spins for a genuinely absurd amount of time. The crowd counts along. When it finally falls over, seventy thousand people yell at once and Jaxon Smith-Njigba walks off without looking back.

Third and long, draw to Kyle Juszczyk, gain of fourteen. They will take that every single time. New York has it. The call on the field was a completion to Kyle Juszczyk, and it takes clear and obvious evidence to move off that. Frame by frame, the nose of the football wiggles underneath the elbow of Kyle Juszczyk, and 22 yards simply disappear.

Sweep to the left, Jahmyr Gibbs for eleven, out of bounds at the thirty-eight. STIFF ARM! Jahmyr Gibbs puts a hand in that facemask and DEPOSITS him on the turf! Get up, sir! Jahmyr Gibbs gets the strike he wanted and it hits a forearm two yards in front of him. Ugly, loud, and no good.

Halftime. Lane Johnson has a knot on his forearm the size of a golf ball and mentions it to nobody. Rumor has it Lane Johnson memorized the fight song as a rookie and now sings it in the shower. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show Who Wants to Be a Punter! To win a punting shoe with no matching second shoe anywhere on earth, text BLITZ to 555-0093 and answer this question: 'How far can a punter kick a football that does not want to go?' They are back out. The first-half script goes in the trash, here comes the new one.

Incomplete. Lane Johnson breaks it up on third down, and the punt unit starts to jog on. Sack number, oh, does it even matter now? Creed Humphrey gets there AGAIN, and their right tackle is still looking for his helmet. Our rush gets a hand up and misses by six inches. It is good anyway. Three for Green Bay Shareholders, and the block unit walks off shaking their heads.

Interception, Quinn Meinerz, at the 40. Our offense comes back out with a short field and a live crowd. Second and 3 from the 40, Quinn Meinerz pulls, the hole opens between the tackles, and the offense picks up the first down before anybody on defense lays a finger on the ball carrier. Jahmyr Gibbs gets every bit of that ball, and the trajectory tells you at the 30 that it is going to clear with room to spare.

Both linemen arrive first, which never happens, and they get to the end zone before the man who scored. Jahmyr Gibbs has to wait for three hundred pounds of guard to finish a shoulder shimmy that would embarrass a wedding reception. The crowd loses it. The center attempts a split and is helped up by two teammates and a trainer.

Look at the break -- Ja'Marr Chase drops his weight at fifteen and comes out of it dead flat, and Josh Allen already has the football in the air before his man turns his head. Jet sweep to the right, Ja'Marr Chase on the handoff, gain of nine to the thirty-two. Credit the design here: two receivers crack the safeties, Josh Allen throws it on rhythm, and Trey McBride catches the ball with a convoy already in front of him. Stopped short! Jahmyr Gibbs is wrapped up a yard from the goal line and the two-point attempt fails.

BLOWN UP IN THE BACKFIELD! Trey McBride shoots the A-gap and drops him four yards behind the line of scrimmage! Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Green Bay Shareholders adds three and this becomes a chess match.

Third and 8, empty backfield, and Jahmyr Gibbs takes him down before the route concept ever develops. Punt team. Pinned inside the one after that punt, they never got a chance to breathe. Jahmyr Gibbs makes the tackle in the end zone. Two on the board.

Jahmyr Gibbs sets the ball down on the pylon, backs up ten yards, and lines it up like a putt. He reads the break. He actually reads the break. Penei Sewell tends the imaginary flag while the referee walks over with a flag of a very different kind.

Joe Thuney jogs backwards asking the official what exactly he was supposed to do out there. The referee already has the microphone down. Ohhh, that one hurts. Green Bay Shareholders runs the same counter they have run all afternoon, the backside end crashes again, and it is a touchdown.

Jaxon Smith-Njigba runs that exchange like clockwork and the perimeter belongs to them. Little plays like this stretch a defense sideways all afternoon. Second and 8, heavy personnel, Trey McBride for three. The play clock is the real weapon in this offense right now. That is vision. The front seven overflows, the backside gap opens for half a second, and Trey McBride is already standing in it.

Ja'Marr Chase flips the ball to the official like it is nothing. Then screams for eleven consecutive seconds. And here is the answer to our game Who Wants to Be a Punter! Vonda Lee Skidmore of Tarp Holler, West Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How far can a punter kick a football that does not want to go?' The answer was of course thirty-one yards, and it lands facing the other direction out of spite. Vonda Lee takes home a punting shoe with no matching second shoe anywhere on earth! Tonight I stood for the entire second half. Not for the drama. My chair collapsed. See you next time. Rolling right into 'Air Crash Investigation: My Attempt at a Paper Airplane.'

Matchday 14 — vs Buffalo Table-Breakers

24-22 (W)

Everything about this run is decided before contact. The fullback kicks out the force defender and Jahmyr Gibbs only has to stay patient for one beat. Jahmyr Gibbs goes through those arm tackles the way you go through a beaded curtain. Barely a pause, and nothing out there actually stops him. That is veteran stuff. Jahmyr Gibbs escapes the tackle box, keeps his eyes downfield to the last instant, then puts it in the bench area. No sack, no pick, no problem. THUMP! You heard that one in the upper deck. Lane Johnson launches it 62 yards and the field position just flipped on its head.

Loss of four. Lane Johnson makes the stop, the chains do not move, and their sideline is already talking about field goal range. BOOM! Lane Johnson comes off the edge untouched and puts the opposing quarterback in the dirt for a loss of nine! We held them out of the end zone and it still costs us. Three for Buffalo Table-Breakers, because the scoreboard does not hand out credit for good defense.

The rusher brought a spin, a rip and a plan. Creed Humphrey brought better feet, and that is the entire story of this drive. The drive dies at the 12, but Creed Humphrey makes sure it was not a wasted trip down the field.

The whole offensive line is pointing at him! Big men live for that, and Penei Sewell just gave the entire unit something to howl about! Motion, snap, handoff -- Kyle Juszczyk is basically a turnstile on this play, and it only works because the defense has to honor everything else he does. From 51, on the road, into the open end of this stadium. Trey McBride makes it. Three points.

Trey McBride points one finger at the sky and holds it, helmet off, eyes shut, standing dead still while the stadium comes apart around him. Nobody touches him for four full seconds. Then Joe Thuney wraps him up from behind and lifts him clean off the ground, and the noise doubles.

He CHECKS IT! Josh Allen at the line, screaming the new call, clapping his hands, and the entire defense just got outsmarted! That defender went down like a stack of empty crates, and Josh Allen never so much as broke stride. Jahmyr Gibbs treats a 31-yarder the way you treat a light switch. Flip it, walk off, three points.

Jahmyr Gibbs spikes the ball so hard it comes off the turf and clears the crossbar behind him. He watches it go, arms out, genuinely surprised at himself. Jaxon Smith-Njigba sprints past and dives headfirst into the end zone paint for no reason at all. The stadium is a wall of noise before anybody remembers there is an extra point to kick.

Locker room. Lane Johnson re-laces both cleats from scratch. Then does it again. Anecdote: Lane Johnson tried out for the drumline in college. Lasted one practice and broke two sticks. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Bratwurst! To win a bratwurst wrapped in foil since early in the first quarter, text BLITZ to 555-0389 and answer this question: 'How many bratwursts fit on a grill built for eight?' Kickoff to open the third quarter. Everything from here is a different game.

Nowhere to go. Creed Humphrey plugs the hole and that running back is swallowed up for no gain. Right down the middle from thirty-four. Buffalo Table-Breakers caps a twelve-play march with three, and eight minutes came off that clock with it.

MY WORD, HE GOT ALL OF IT! Josh Allen flips the field on one single snap and their free safety is still jogging back with both hands on his helmet! The defender went low, Ja'Marr Chase went high, and physics settled the argument in about a tenth of a second. No wind, no pressure off the edge, no doubt from Ja'Marr Chase. Down the middle from 36.

The linemen have been waiting all year for this. All five of them wall up in the end zone and hit a shoulder-roll wave down the line, big men moving in sequence like a slow tide. Ja'Marr Chase stands to the side and simply applauds. This is their moment and everybody in the building knows it.

HE GOT A PIECE OF IT! Kyle Juszczyk arrives with the football, and their receiver is still asking for a flag that is never coming! Second and long just got worse. Ja'Marr Chase with the sack, seven yards back, and the chains are a memory. Clean snap, laces out, and the kick is pure. Buffalo Table-Breakers is on the board, and there is nothing to complain about there -- that was textbook.

THEY OWN THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE! Joe Thuney is driving grown men three yards downfield on every single snap! Joe Thuney catches it at the boundary, taps the right, taps the left, and falls out. That is going to stand all day long. THAT IS GOOD, AND IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING ELSE! Joe Thuney from 29 and that ball never wobbles once.

Incomplete. Joe Thuney breaks it up on third down, and the punt unit starts to jog on. Third and fourteen killed the drive, and the kicker finishes what the offense could not. Buffalo Table-Breakers adds three and this becomes a chess match.

OUT AND OUT OF BOUNDS! Josh Allen on the money to Jaxon Smith-Njigba and this drive still has all the time it needs! Jaxon Smith-Njigba stutters, the defender freezes, and that is all he needed. Twelve extra yards on a play that should have been dead. FIFTY-FOUR YARDS AND HE HAS THE LEG! Jaxon Smith-Njigba drills it and this place comes UNGLUED!

Jaxon Smith-Njigba spikes it, Kyle Juszczyk spikes it, and then every man in the end zone spikes something -- a towel, a glove, a mouthpiece, an entirely imaginary object. It is a spiking epidemic. Turf pellets are hanging in the air like smoke. Three officials stand at the edge of it and simply wait for the weather to pass.

Third and 8, empty backfield, and Jahmyr Gibbs takes him down before the route concept ever develops. Punt team. Press at the line, hip to hip down the numbers -- Jahmyr Gibbs takes the release away and the throw never leaves the quarterback's hand. Splits the uprights. Buffalo Table-Breakers settles for three, and we will take that trade every single time after where that drive started.

Start with the double team on the nose tackle -- that is why Jahmyr Gibbs gets a clean crease. Inside zone, run exactly the way it is drawn. Jahmyr Gibbs strikes it, both arms go straight up behind the goalposts, and this crowd gets the three points it came down here for.

The signal came down from the box far too late. Josh Allen could not match the personnel to the look, and there is no shame at all in saving the yardage. Third and 8 with 1:12 showing, Josh Allen hits the out route and the receiver steps out at the 41. Clock stopped, timeouts intact. Watch the plant foot -- Trey McBride puts it right beside the ball, no lean, no hook. Inside 40 that is a rehearsed motion, not a kick.

Officials, coaches, equipment staff, everybody is out there trying to pry this apart, and Josh Allen is being dragged backwards by the jersey. The chains kept moving and nothing we tried slowed it down. Fourteen plays, seven minutes off the clock, and Buffalo Table-Breakers finishes the drive with six.

Jet motion, and Jaxon Smith-Njigba puts it in the belly of Trey McBride at a dead sprint! He is around the corner before the linebackers can flip their hips! GRIND IT OUT! Trey McBride drops the pads, falls forward, and that defense can do nothing but watch the scoreboard bleed! You can hear the groan from their sideline. They had that play blocked for a two-yard gain and Trey McBride turned it into a chunk with one step.

Quinn Meinerz takes a knee in victory formation one last time, purely for the aesthetic. Creed Humphrey snaps him an imaginary ball. And here is the answer to our game Bowling for Bratwurst! Ferlin Hostetter of Dry Wash Junction, California, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many bratwursts fit on a grill built for eight?' The answer was of course twenty-two, and eleven of them will be given away out of pure guilt. Ferlin takes home a bratwurst wrapped in foil since early in the first quarter! Sequence of events up here: I yelled, I lost the voice, I found it again during a timeout, then I lost it for good. Thanks for the company. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Getting to Gate B47 in Nine Minutes.'

Matchday 15 — vs Philadelphia Pole-Greasers

39-28 (W)

Josh Allen put that football on the white paint, which is the football version of hanging up before a meeting runs long. Somebody is going to sit through that clip in a defensive backs meeting on Wednesday, and Trey McBride will not be the one squirming. From 51, on the road, into the open end of this stadium. Trey McBride makes it. Three points.

A stop was one snap away, and now Trey McBride has handed the other sideline field position it did nothing to earn. Play action freezes our linebackers, the tight end slips out behind them, and Philadelphia Pole-Greasers scores with nobody in the picture. That is a bust, plain and simple.

Ohhh, Lane Johnson flinched! The whole line freezes and the flag lands right in front of the umpire. That window is maybe eighteen inches wide. Lane Johnson throws it before the break, which is the only way this football ever arrives. Oh, he is a MATCHUP PROBLEM! Josh Allen throws it up where only his guy can reach it and Trey McBride snatches it away from a man who gave up four inches! The interior got knocked back a full yard at the snap and Ja'Marr Chase had nowhere to put his foot. That play failed before he ever touched the ball.

Trey McBride met that running back in a phone booth, and there was only ever room for one of them. Five yards marched off. Trey McBride was the twelfth man, and a third and 6 just turned into third and 1 for them. Philadelphia Pole-Greasers goes deep on third and long and our safety arrives about a half second late. Fifty-two yards, and you can hear the concourse from here.

Completion to the boundary from Josh Allen to Jaxon Smith-Njigba, gain of thirteen, both feet down inside the white and the rest of him already out. This is the zone beater. Jaxon Smith-Njigba freezes the deep defender with one hard look, and the crosser runs into the grass that man just gave up. Ja'Marr Chase stems inside, snaps it back out, and the ball is ALREADY there. Twelve yards, and he catches it with both feet in the end zone. Penei Sewell works so fast that the crowd is still chanting about the touchdown when the football is already through.

Break time. Joe Thuney sits alone at the stall, staring at the call sheet like he means to memorize it. Word is Joe Thuney tried to talk the stadium DJ into playing a track he recorded. Turned down. Twice. And now, our halftime TV game show Good Morning, Entire County! To win a mug from a radio station that switched to religious programming, text BLITZ to 555-2526 and answer this question: 'What time do football people wake up on the morning of a game?' Second half! The band is off the field and the football is back on it.

Joe Thuney plucked that thing out of the air with the calm of somebody taking mail out of his own box. Nothing hurried about it at all. Joe Thuney extends all the way, snags it in the palm, and somehow gets both feet down in the same motion. That is absurd. THAT IS GOOD, AND IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING ELSE! Joe Thuney from 29 and that ball never wobbles once.

Joe Thuney mimes lifting an enormous, impossibly heavy trophy off the turf -- knees bent, back straight, veins popping. It takes him four seconds to get it overhead. Kyle Juszczyk spots him like a training partner. They parade it around the end zone and hand it, ceremonially, to the referee, who does not accept it.

And the flag gets picked up. Philadelphia Pole-Greasers keeps the touchdown, our sideline is screaming at the officials, and the scoreboard does not care one bit.

Kyle Juszczyk took the perfect angle there. He never chased the shoulders, he chased the sideline, and the sideline did the rest. One bad decision and it costs them six the other way! Kyle Juszczyk makes them pay in full, and the whole defense is sprinting down there to find him. Through the uprights! Penei Sewell adds the point after and the lead grows by one.

PICKED OFF! Penei Sewell jumps that route like he called it in their huddle himself! PULL AND SEAL! Penei Sewell leads the way and Jahmyr Gibbs is following him into the second level! Everybody in the building tracks the flight, nobody breathes, and then Jahmyr Gibbs hears the roar behind him. Good from 52.

Whole receiving corps drops into a photo-booth strip: four different poses in four seconds, Jahmyr Gibbs switching each one, everybody matching. Somebody in the group is a half beat behind on all four and it is, as usual, a lineman who followed them in. The gag ends with all of them face down on the turf and the crowd absolutely gone.

The bench EMPTIES! Creed Humphrey turns a broken play into the loudest fourteen seconds this building has heard all afternoon! The loneliest job in football is the one where making it earns you nothing, and Quinn Meinerz just made it again.

The whole defensive unit has run the length of the field for this and arrives in two facing lines, arms raised into a tunnel. Creed Humphrey has to walk all of it, shaking every single hand, like a man leaving his own wedding. It takes eleven seconds. The play clock is running and the officials are shouting and every one of those handshakes is worth it.

Ja'Marr Chase gets hauled out of the middle of it along with a body from the other side. The flags offset, the consequences do not. Screen pass, one missed tackle at the thirty, and Philadelphia Pole-Greasers is gone. That is a fundamentals problem, and the fundamentals are ours to fix.

The throw was a rounding error. Everything after it belonged to Ja'Marr Chase, who turned a checkdown into a highlight tape. Everything on this drive now rides on one frame of tape. Lane Johnson is on the sideline, helmet off, eyes locked on the big board. This entire building celebrated for ninety seconds and is now studying a still frame of one left cleat belonging to Lane Johnson.

This is why teams pay linemen real money. Penei Sewell drives his man five yards off the ball and Jahmyr Gibbs gets a lane you could park a bus in. Jet motion, and Jahmyr Gibbs puts it in the belly of Trey McBride at a dead sprint! He is around the corner before the linebackers can flip their hips! The punt team already had one foot on the field. Trey McBride sends them back to the bench with three points instead.

GRIND IT OUT! Kyle Juszczyk drops the pads, falls forward, and that defense can do nothing but watch the scoreboard bleed! PITCH and GO! Kyle Juszczyk gets outside the last man and he is running down the sideline with an escort!

Josh Allen holds up four fingers. Jaxon Smith-Njigba holds up seven. Nobody knows what he is counting. And here is the answer to our game show Good Morning, Entire County! Fayrene Dellinger of Bluetick Ridge, Tennessee, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What time do football people wake up on the morning of a game?' The answer was of course they do not, they simply stop pretending to sleep. Fayrene therefore wins a mug from a radio station that switched to religious programming! I have not felt my toes since the thirty-minute mark. I will report back in the spring. Good night out there. Next: 'Below Deck: A Canoe on a Municipal Pond.' Tensions run high.