My dream soccer team — football_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

2-2 (L)

The celebrity produces a showpiece skill in open play. In that position, when you pull that off, you have got the entire stadium in the palm of your hand. OOH the individual feat from Kim Kardashian! He produced a real masterpiece all on his own, MAJESTIC GOAL!

Foul by the film producer, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. Shaquille O'Neal delivers a pinpoint free kick into the box, Kim Kardashian is there to receive. BOOOM the celebrity plants the header into the net! In that position, dominating in the air like that is what wins you the tight matches. GOAL!

Spider-Man finds Shaquille O'Neal with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. What positioning from Shaquille O'Neal! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Good ball from the film producer to Barack Obama, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Barack Obama to Bonnie Blue, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The tv host finds Lily Phillips along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Error from the tv host, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. Eddie Hall goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet.

Massive diagonal from Shaquille O'Neal! Eddie Hall receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Enormous leap from the strongman who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Eddie Hall heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Shaquille O'Neal beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Barack Obama, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Barack Obama takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Roommates on away trips confirm Kim Kardashian sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 46, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Catchphrase It Yourself! To win a complete set of Allen keys from IKEA, text 0800FLAT and answer: 'How many leftover screws is it acceptable to have after building a Billy bookcase?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Barack Obama leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Lily Phillips launches it to Bonnie Blue on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Bonnie Blue bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Barack Obama wins the aerial battle. Barack Obama tries to find Usain Bolt with a cross but the defender cuts it out. Massive clearance from the celebrity under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing.

They've scored! Paris Saint-Glinglin find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Spider-Man. Lily Phillips is on his knees clapping, Spider-Man is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Quick throw from Spider-Man to Lily Phillips out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Lily Phillips fires the ball over to Kim Kardashian with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Kim Kardashian plays the simple ball to Usain Bolt, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Sharp cut inside from Usain Bolt, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty.

Fresh air tackle from the tv host, left on the deck while the attacker runs off. In that role, timing is absolutely everything. Fingertip save from Spider-Man! With his fingertips he sends the ball out for a corner. The corner from Kim Kardashian is immediately cleared at the near post, the defence is alert.

Sideways ball from Usain Bolt to Lily Phillips, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. The tv host bends the ball into the box for Sweetie Fox. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. The tv host dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Rapid combination: Sweetie Fox to Kim Kardashian, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

It's hit the back of the net! Paris Saint-Glinglin lead and we look completely lost.

Spider-Man runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Lily Phillips joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Sweetie Fox opts for the short pass to Eddie Hall instead of shooting, catches everyone by surprise. OHHH Eddie Hall strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. The basketball player has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy.

Level score. Kim Kardashian screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Bonnie Blue boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Ingrid from Milton Keynes says three leftover screws is fine but anything above five and the whole thing is coming down. Allen keys for Ingrid! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Spider-Man is doing nonsense in front of his goal! He dribbles for nothing and loses the ball, CRIMINAL. Shaquille O'Neal is in the box like a VULTURE! On the deflected ball, he prods it in at point-blank range. GOAL!

Spider-Man runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Spider-Man tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

What a disaster! México No-Era-Penal score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Bonnie Blue picks out Donald Trump with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Donald Trump hounds the goalkeeper on his distribution and wins the ball on the edge of the box. Audacity rewarded. The investor was right where he needed to be! In that position, that kind of anticipation is what makes the great strikers. GOAL!

Bonnie Blue fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Shaquille O'Neal plays the medic running in. Spider-Man plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Crunching tackle by Donald Trump on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Kim Kardashian powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. The celebrity plays it simple to Shaquille O'Neal, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The film producer shifts Eddie Hall into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded.

The film producer reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. The film producer spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Lily Phillips. That is exactly why he is out there. Lily Phillips sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Overlap and cross from Lily Phillips, the ball drops at the feet of Bonnie Blue in the heart of the box. Aerial claim from the superhero, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear.

Spider-Man is doing an impression of México No-Era-Penal's manager and it is absolutely spot on. Arms flailing, face going beetroot, the lot. Lily Phillips is in stitches, nearly choking on {his} energy gel. The gaffer lets it run for a minute before clapping his hands. "Right, settle down. We ain't done yet, but bloody hell, that was funny." Bit of a scoop for you — Barack Obama plays Sunday league football under a fake name during the off-season. Goes by 'Dave from Accounts' and plays centre-mid for the Dog and Duck. At 65, the man just loves the game. And now, our TV game show The National Lottery of Mild Disappointment! To win a scratch card and a biro, text 0800LUCK and answer: 'What does a British person do when they win two pounds on a scratch card?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Barack Obama squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

That's a beauty from Shaquille O'Neal! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. The tv host roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head.

Spider-Man boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Shaquille O'Neal! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Pass into no-man's land from Shaquille O'Neal, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift.

Ultra-compact low block, couldn't get a needle through this. The superhero dives at the ball and wins the duel. In that position, when you have that bravery, you are a true number one. Enormous clearance from Eddie Hall inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

The celebrity shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Donald Trump. Pure quality, as per usual. Donald Trump crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. The investor boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Lovely cross from the tv host on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. The community organizer wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Emergency clearance from Barack Obama, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe.

The tv host puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. WHAT A HEADER from Kim Kardashian! It fliiiiies... but it goes wide. The post was shaking. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Usain Bolt rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to LeBron James. The far side is completely deserted.

What a result against México No-Era-Penal! Eddie Hall walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. LeBron James follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Maureen from Scunthorpe says you buy another scratch card immediately because hope springs eternal. Scratch card and biro for Maureen! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-2 (L)

Shaquille O'Neal reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. GOOOOOAL! Shaquille O'Neal unleashes from 25 yards on the pass from Bonnie Blue and sends a thunderbolt top bins!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Shaquille O'Neal ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Barack Obama leaps over him. Spider-Man walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake.

Sweetie Fox nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. Short pass from the tv host to Eddie Hall, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Eddie Hall plays it in, Usain Bolt lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Eddie Hall is off again. Magnificent.

Oh that's terrible! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Spider-Man dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The investor lays it off first time to Barack Obama, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Smart pass from Barack Obama into the hole for Kim Kardashian, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. Kim Kardashian caught offside by a shoulder width on Usain Bolt's through ball, what a shame! The cameras roll, VAR zooms in, the referee hesitates. This is excruciating. VAR rules it out! Lily Phillips's goal is chalked off! Absolute heartbreak!

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Barack Obama's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Barack Obama takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. Nutritionists are baffled by LeBron James's insistence on eating Monster Munch before every match. At 206 tall, the lad credits pickled onion flavour specifically for his aerial dominance. And now, our TV game show Through the Keyhole of Number 42! To win net curtains for every window in your house, text 0800NOSY and answer: 'What is the maximum acceptable time to watch your neighbour through the curtains?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Kim Kardashian picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Switch from Eddie Hall! The ball arcs over the midfield and Usain Bolt collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Usain Bolt wins the header and flicks it on for Sweetie Fox. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Usain Bolt keeps it short to Shaquille O'Neal, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Unbelievable! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Lily Phillips lays it off first time to Eddie Hall, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Ball into space from Eddie Hall, Bonnie Blue just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius.

Masterful reading from Shaquille O'Neal who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. LeBron James accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides.

Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. Sweetie Fox unleashes a strike that finishes in the car park. Not on target, not even close. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

Emergency clearance from the film producer, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Enormous anticipation from Kim Kardashian who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Usain Bolt puts everything into that strike, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is unbeatable today. Usain Bolt sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw.

The strongman launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. The basketball player finds Usain Bolt along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Usain Bolt drills a low ball back for Shaquille O'Neal, the kind of delivery that keepers absolutely dread. That is UNFORGIVAAAABLE! Shaquille O'Neal had the goal wide open thanks to Donald Trump and he has completely missed it.

Barack Obama goes straight to the bus without showering. Sits at the back, hood up, headphones in. Shaquille O'Neal takes the seat across the aisle but doesn't try to talk. The motorway lights flicker past the window. Sometimes silence is the only honest response. Valerie from Bournemouth says thirty-eight seconds is the socially accepted maximum before you have to pretend to look at your phone. Net curtains for Valerie! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-0 (W)

Through ball from the tv host for LeBron James, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. LeBron James pops up and pokes the ball with the tip of his boot, classic striker's goal!

Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. The film producer catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. Shaquille O'Neal is booked for repeated fouls. Should have come five minutes ago, honestly. Shaquille O'Neal tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that.

The community organizer intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Ball in behind from the community organizer, Bonnie Blue is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Offside against Bonnie Blue. Donald Trump spotted the run but the timing was just off.

Heroic low block, every single player at his post. Oh what a challenge! Donald Trump goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Good ball from the investor to Lily Phillips, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. The tv host starts a one-two with Sweetie Fox, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class.

Donald Trump hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Monumental ball from Shaquille O'Neal to LeBron James, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Acceleration from LeBron James down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. LeBron James sends his cross straight into the keeper's gloves, nobody on the end of it. Spider-Man goes long for Eddie Hall, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

Tea and biscuits are doing the rounds in the dressing room. Spider-Man has nabbed three custard creams before anyone else gets a look in. "Oi, leave some for the rest of us, you greedy sod," shouts Shaquille O'Neal from across the room. The gaffer is smiling. When the biscuit tin comes out, you know things are going well. Club sources confirm Usain Bolt has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 40, the 196-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1812 and answer this question: 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?' And we are back underway! Kim Kardashian jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The community organizer reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Lily Phillips releases Sweetie Fox with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. The tv host slides a perfect cut-back for Barack Obama in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class.

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Great vision from Shaquille O'Neal who finds Barack Obama in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe. Barack Obama charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible.

Spider-Man opts for the short option to Shaquille O'Neal, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Classy interception from Shaquille O'Neal, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Good ball from the film producer to Barack Obama, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Body feint from the community organizer, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. Great overlap from Barack Obama down the flank, pinpoint cross for Sweetie Fox in the area. This is the moment.

Donald Trump finds Shaquille O'Neal between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. The film producer trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. The ref books Shaquille O'Neal for cumulative fouling. You can only get away with so many. Shaquille O'Neal curls his free kick but the wall jumps and blocks it. Missed. The tv host hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

The tv host opens up to Bonnie Blue on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. The tv host rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Bonnie Blue rolls it to LeBron James, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

Massive win over Dakar Teranga FC! Usain Bolt is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. LeBron James pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?'. The answer was of course all 130 of them, with room left over for a small retail park. Shirley wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

Eddie Hall launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Solo run from Eddie Hall, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. GOOOOOAL for Eddie Hall! Curled left-footed effort, the ball describes a perfect arc and ends in the net!

Eddie Hall stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. LeBron James comes over and hugs him without a word.

GOAAAL! Douala Makossa-Corner score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Spider-Man and Eddie Hall do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Spider-Man arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Eddie Hall races back alongside the winger and catches him on the line. Incredible effort. The counter is snuffed out by a blatant foul from Eddie Hall. He accepts the consequences. Booking for the strongman, tactical foul to prevent the counter. It's bred into that position. Red card for Eddie Hall via a second yellow. He's walking. Completely avoidable. Free kick from Eddie Hall delivered with pace, Usain Bolt finds himself in space at the far post.

They push up as a unit, the opposition can't string two passes together. The film producer produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Sublime through ball from Shaquille O'Neal for Kim Kardashian who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. Kim Kardashian has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save. The corner from Kim Kardashian is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it.

The community organizer boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Usain Bolt opens up the space for Donald Trump with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. Donald Trump absolutely butchers that pass, straight into the feet of the opposition.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Eddie Hall is livid, gesturing wildly. Barack Obama chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." Barack Obama's car broke down on the M25 twenty minutes before a cup final, and the 65-year-old hitchhiked with a plumber called Keith from Watford. Both made it in time — Keith got a free programme. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0707 and answer this question: 'What did the last bus to Grimsby apologise for?' The second period begins and Shaquille O'Neal launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

The superhero throws it out to Bonnie Blue, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. The tv host slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Bonnie Blue feeds LeBron James in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Elastico from LeBron James, the ball goes right then snaps back left in an instant. The defender is lost. LeBron James gives it to Bonnie Blue into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. The tv host reads the movement before anyone else and puts LeBron James into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game.

Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something. That is miles high from Kim Kardashian! The ball disappears into the sky, absolutely nowhere near. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill.

Big clearance from Shaquille O'Neal under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Usain Bolt swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Barack Obama, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision.

Barack Obama throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Shaquille O'Neal wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. Overlap from Shaquille O'Neal on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Good ball from the film producer to Lily Phillips, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Good ball from the film producer to Bonnie Blue, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Honours even. Donald Trump finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Shaquille O'Neal walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Clive Fogsworth, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last bus to Grimsby apologise for?'. The answer was of course existing, which frankly we all understood. Clive wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-2 (L)

Oh it's gone in! Lagos No-Carry-Last find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Spider-Man and Lily Phillips do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Spider-Man arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

The film producer commits the professional foul. Players in that role know exactly when to stop the play. Shaquille O'Neal picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. What TECHNIQUE from Shaquille O'Neal! Free kick curled to perfection, the ball dies in the far top corner. GOAL!

The free kick from Kim Kardashian is played with a deft touch to Lily Phillips, well-drilled combination. The tv host whips in a classic cross for Barack Obama in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Lovely take from the superhero! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box.

Incredible solo run from Kim Kardashian, he goes coast to coast with the ball, the opposition can only watch. Kim Kardashian pierces the backline with a low through ball, Shaquille O'Neal latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Shaquille O'Neal sends the ball to join the pigeons above the stadium. Completely and utterly missed. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

Spider-Man throws it out quickly to Shaquille O'Neal, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Raking ball from the film producer to Eddie Hall, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. The strongman plays it simple to Kim Kardashian, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

"You are playing like a bloody pub team!" The gaffer is purple with rage. "My Sunday league side would have put up more of a fight! Shaquille O'Neal, where were you for their second? Having a nap?" Shaquille O'Neal opens {his} mouth to respond and thinks better of it. This is not the time. A delightful detail about Lily Phillips — he's been knitting scarves since lockdown and hasn't stopped. The entire squad has one. They're absolutely terrible, full of holes, but nobody has the heart to tell him. The lad is 25 and fully committed to the craft. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 4455 and answer this question: 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Spider-Man knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

The team is building serious momentum, chances are starting to flow. Kim Kardashian looks up and swings in a floated cross, Donald Trump rises among the defenders. Donald Trump delivers the corner and it's CARNAGE! The ball won't leave the box, defense finally gets rid! Barack Obama winds up and shoots, but the defender throws himself down and takes the ball in the stomach. Brave stuff.

Bonnie Blue plays the free kick into the danger zone, Eddie Hall arrives at the penalty spot. The strongman heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on.

The basketball player switches the play to Lily Phillips, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Lily Phillips tries to pick out Barack Obama on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. Foul given against Usain Bolt, he went through the back of the opponent. Yellow card for Usain Bolt, a crunching tackle that left the opponent in a heap.

Shaquille O'Neal spreads it to Sweetie Fox, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Sweetie Fox shifts it to Lily Phillips with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Quick exchange between Lily Phillips and Donald Trump, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

It's there! Lagos No-Carry-Last hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Spider-Man runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Donald Trump joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Spider-Man distributes by hand to Barack Obama on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Overlap from the community organizer with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

That hurts. Barack Obama leans against the tunnel wall, eyes closed, letting the cold concrete cool his head. Eddie Hall stops beside him: "We go again Saturday." Barack Obama nods, but right now Saturday feels like a lifetime away. The bus is quiet. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?'. The answer was of course mauve, after a council vote determined it was too exciting for a town built entirely of roundabouts. Trevor wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-2 (L)

GOAL for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Spider-Man places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Kim Kardashian falls to his knees bowing. Spider-Man does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Textbook professional foul from LeBron James. He'd rather take the card than concede. Yellow card for LeBron James, he clipped the heels of the attacker in full stride. Pure gamesmanship. GOOOOAL! Masterful free kick from LeBron James, the ball flies over the wall and into the top corner!

The pile at the corner flag. LeBron James is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Spider-Man arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Scramble in the box after Sweetie Fox's corner! A defender boots it away, just about! GOOOAL! Kim Kardashian pops up at the back post on the cross from Usain Bolt and prods the ball into the empty net from 2 yards!

On the corner from Sweetie Fox, Barack Obama heads it at the penalty spot, goes wide. What a waste. Sweetie Fox clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Enormous leap from Kim Kardashian who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move.

The basketball player presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. LeBron James tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. Lily Phillips puts Donald Trump in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. Cut-back from Donald Trump, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Sweetie Fox.

Eddie Hall stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Barranquilla Toque-Toque. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Shaquille O'Neal cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Sources confirm Bonnie Blue once spent four hours in Primark and came out wearing head-to-toe matching leopard print. At 163, the 27-year-old looked like a giraffe having an identity crisis. And now, our TV game show Bake Off the Rails! To win a soggy bottom certificate signed by Paul Hollywood, text 3412 and answer: 'What temperature should you bake a Victoria sponge if your oven only has two settings: warm and volcanic?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Spider-Man comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

LeBron James unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner. The referee jogs over to the screen, both sets of players watching his every move. Massive call coming. The video assistant has checked it all: there was a foul on LeBron James, penalty! The tv host sees his penalty pushed away by the keeper! In that position, you need nerves of STEEL to bounce back from that. Spider-Man smashes a volley towards Sweetie Fox, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. Sweetie Fox shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Lily Phillips. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. The tv host winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. Beautiful distribution from Spider-Man to Eddie Hall, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

Lily Phillips plays the short corner to Bonnie Blue, a little combination on the flank. The tv host lays it off first time to Eddie Hall, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Little shift from Eddie Hall to Barack Obama, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Barack Obama sends an aerial beauty to Donald Trump, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Kim Kardashian jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Fumble from the superhero on the catch! In that position, you do not get the right to make mistakes, and that was touch and go. Spider-Man hoofs it forward towards Barack Obama, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Lovely use of the ball by Barack Obama, finding Shaquille O'Neal in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. The timing is everything: Donald Trump releases the ball at the perfect moment and Sweetie Fox explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Lightning overlap from Sweetie Fox, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Aerial lob from Sweetie Fox over the defence, Barack Obama appears in behind. The touch is exquisite. Barack Obama thumps his header on the delivery from Donald Trump but it sails over.

Firm pass from Donald Trump into Usain Bolt, right into the boots. No waste. Usain Bolt lofts a cross into the box, Sweetie Fox is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Sweetie Fox dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Smooth transition from Sweetie Fox to Bonnie Blue, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Draw. Donald Trump sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Barack Obama waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. Doris from Bakewell says volcanic obviously and Paul Hollywood gave her an approving nod through the telly. Soggy bottom certificate is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

Intense pressing from Sweetie Fox, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Nutmeg from the tv host on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. Sweetie Fox takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Sweetie Fox runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Spider-Man tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Absolutely dreadful! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Spider-Man slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. LeBron James photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Usain Bolt pings a ridiculous diagonal to Eddie Hall. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Aerial duel won by the strongman, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Usain Bolt lets fly with his left foot, WHAT A STRIIIIKE! On target but the keeper claws it away for a corner!

Short pass from the tv host to Eddie Hall, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Good ball from Eddie Hall to Donald Trump, playing it quick between the lines. Donald Trump takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Donald Trump gets tackled cleanly by the defender mid-dribble. Possession lost.

Barack Obama with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Panicked clearance from Barack Obama, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Driven kick from Spider-Man to Donald Trump, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Wing switch from Donald Trump, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and LeBron James brings it down with a velvet touch. Class.

Sweetie Fox rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Spider-Man glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." A Ryanair mix-up saw Eddie Hall land in Bratislava instead of Barcelona for a pre-season friendly. The 38-year-old spent 14 hours in a Slovak kebab shop before the club sent a rescue taxi. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' And we are back underway! Eddie Hall jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The tv host finds LeBron James along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. LeBron James threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Barack Obama bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive.

Kim Kardashian slips Sweetie Fox in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Brilliant cut-back from Sweetie Fox along the grass for Eddie Hall. That is an absolute peach of a ball.

Lily Phillips crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Eddie Hall is in the right place. The cross from Eddie Hall is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm. The corner from the tv host is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. Decisive glance from Lily Phillips who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post.

Crucial intervention from the strongman, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Superb diagonal from the strongman to Bonnie Blue, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Bonnie Blue drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Lily Phillips. Corner from Lily Phillips, deflected at the near post, ricochets, CHAOS! Defense clears off the line! Usain Bolt controls and SHOOTS! On target but the keeper dives and gets a hand to it. Corner.

The gaffer is out of his technical area, demanding one last effort. The celebrity misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in. Spider-Man catapults the ball towards LeBron James from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot.

Interception from Eddie Hall who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Eddie Hall. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Shaquille O'Neal looks for Bonnie Blue with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving.

Share of the spoils. LeBron James walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Eddie Hall throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. Montevideo Garra-Charrúa probably walk away happier than we do. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-2 (L)

Barack Obama reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Barack Obama winds up from distance and unleashes an APOCALYPTIC strike! The ball explodes in the goal, GOOOOOAL!

Spider-Man distributes short to Kim Kardashian, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Kim Kardashian sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Good ball from the celebrity to Sweetie Fox, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Bonnie Blue meets the corner from Sweetie Fox with a header, it drifts wide of the post. Short restart from the superhero to Eddie Hall, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Overlap from Eddie Hall with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Driven cross from Eddie Hall into the box, LeBron James arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

Short distribution from Spider-Man to Sweetie Fox, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Sweetie Fox loses the header against the towering forward. The size difference told the story. Header from the community organizer, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Spider-Man scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. LeBron James is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Shaquille O'Neal pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. The 80-year-old Donald Trump adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while Donald Trump trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' And they are off! Sweetie Fox touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Change of flanks from Shaquille O'Neal, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Donald Trump. Dominant header from Donald Trump on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Donald Trump sets it for Eddie Hall, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Usain Bolt goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Usain Bolt just won it. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. Incredible burst of pace from LeBron James, he eats up the ground in just a few strides.

Brilliant tackle from Eddie Hall! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Eddie Hall thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Spider-Man fires it out quickly by hand to Sweetie Fox, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Brilliant switch of play from Sweetie Fox! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Bonnie Blue.

LeBron James launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Barack Obama, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Barack Obama strings together a double stepover and leaves the defender for dead. Sublime skill.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Spider-Man points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Usain Bolt comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Rampart defense, the opposition can't try anything dangerous at all. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. LeBron James gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Pinpoint delivery from the basketball player towards Bonnie Blue, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. The tv host gets his cross wrong, too much juice on it. The intent is there but the execution lets him down tonight.

Bonnie Blue keeps possession and plays it short to Kim Kardashian, new option for Kim Kardashian to cause trouble. Good run from Kim Kardashian who crosses to the near post for Shaquille O'Neal. The defender is beaten to it. The film producer sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters. Spider-Man sends an absolute rocket towards Sweetie Fox, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Sweetie Fox launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Sweetie Fox was flying.

It's over and Buenos Aires Pecho Frío take the points. Kim Kardashian shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Sweetie Fox walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-2 (L)

Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. GOOOOOAL! LeBron James lets his technique do the talking, he curls it on the pass from Sweetie Fox and the ball nestles in the corner!

LeBron James stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Sweetie Fox comes over and hugs him without a word.

And it's a goal! Rio Malandro FC punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Spider-Man falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Eddie Hall arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. The tv host cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Usain Bolt. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. GOOOOOAL! Usain Bolt sniffed it out better than anyone, he was in the right place at the right time, IT IS IN!

OHHH what a strike from Usain Bolt! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. PENALTY! Usain Bolt shoots and it hits a hand in the box. The referee points to the spot, absolutely textbook decision. Donald Trump takes the penalty but sends it into row Z! That's a catastrophe.

Spider-Man sparks the transition with a quick throw to Lily Phillips, the break is lightning fast. The tv host gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Shaquille O'Neal sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Donald Trump is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station.

Spider-Man is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Spider-Man: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." The lads in the dressing room have revealed that Shaquille O'Neal is obsessed with collecting those little Monopoly stickers from McDonald's. Last year he had four Park Lanes and no Mayfairs. Nearly had a breakdown. Standing at 216, the man has never looked so defeated. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8080 and answer this question: 'How many crumpets does it take to change a lightbulb?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Sweetie Fox wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. The tv host lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. Spider-Man rolls it short to LeBron James into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Good ball from the basketball player to Sweetie Fox, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

They've done it! Rio Malandro FC find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Wall pass between Eddie Hall and LeBron James, the combination comes off a treat. Eddie Hall reaches the byline and pulls it back for Donald Trump, the low ball fizzes through the area. Spider-Man gets a strong hand to it and turns the shot away. Top class save. What a keeper. Clearance from the superhero towards Kim Kardashian, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Dreadful pass from Kim Kardashian, lands three yards away from the target. Usain Bolt can do nothing with that.

Free kick crossed in by the tv host into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. Header from Sweetie Fox on the perfect cross from LeBron James, it fliiies but it is over the bar! Tidy restart from Spider-Man along the deck to Eddie Hall, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

The corner from Kim Kardashian is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Kim Kardashian boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from LeBron James to Usain Bolt, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Usain Bolt cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Usain Bolt clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away.

Dangerous delivery from the tv host on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Usain Bolt tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything. Corner cleared by the defence, the investor was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations.

Level score. Spider-Man screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Barack Obama boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many crumpets does it take to change a lightbulb?'. The answer was of course none, crumpets don't have hands but they do have holes, which is arguably worse. Derek wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-1 (L)

Usain Bolt gives it to Sweetie Fox, sprints, asks for it back, and gets it. The classic one-two but absolutely lethal. GOOOOAL for Usain Bolt! ABSOLUTE SCREAMER, the keeper dives at thin air, the ball ends up in the back of the net!

Free kick played short, Kim Kardashian to Sweetie Fox, they bypass the wall with the combination. Sweetie Fox lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off! Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable. Brilliant opening from LeBron James for Eddie Hall, frees up the entire left flank.

Intense pressing from the tv host, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team. The tv host beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill. Sweetie Fox links up with Barack Obama, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

Sweetie Fox holds the attacker by the arm, ref gives the free kick without thinking twice. The ref brandishes the yellow. Sweetie Fox committed a premeditated foul to stop the fast break. Free kick from Sweetie Fox looped in, the ball is dropped onto Barack Obama at the penalty spot. Barack Obama gets his head on it but it lacks precision, drifting just left of the post. Spider-Man plays it short to Eddie Hall, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Kim Kardashian takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Kim Kardashian slides it to Usain Bolt, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. Spider-Man shifts uncomfortably on the bench. Shaquille O'Neal picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." A wonderful anecdote — Eddie Hall once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 38 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' Back on the pitch and Spider-Man is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. The ball from Kim Kardashian rips through the defensive curtain, Barack Obama is flying into the space like an arrow. The linesman's flag goes up for Barack Obama, offside by centimetres! Usain Bolt wanted that one badly.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Spider-Man, arms out like an aeroplane. Usain Bolt follows in like he's skiing. Spider-Man arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Monster clearance from Spider-Man, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Sweetie Fox. Sweetie Fox triggers a change of flanks for Barack Obama, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Clean lay-off from the community organizer to Lily Phillips into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. Lily Phillips reaches the byline and rolls it back along the ground, Eddie Hall receives it in the box. It is on a plate. That is a tackle of the highest order from Eddie Hall. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic.

Killer ball from Eddie Hall through the gap! Lily Phillips bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Offside trap catches Lily Phillips out. Sweetie Fox played it quickly but not quickly enough. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. LeBron James sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Donald Trump. Simple in concept, masterful in execution.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Pass into space from Kim Kardashian for Lily Phillips, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. Lily Phillips burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing.

Kim Kardashian spots Usain Bolt in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Stunning tackle by Usain Bolt in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Usain Bolt delivers a tidy ball to Sweetie Fox, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. The tv host overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Floated cross from Sweetie Fox off the right, Eddie Hall has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible.

Honours even. Spider-Man swaps shirts with one of the Istanbul Cehennem FK lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Shaquille O'Neal, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-2 (L)

Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. The celebrity finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Usain Bolt clean through. Pure genius from that position. What a nose for goal from Usain Bolt! On the rebound, he was on the prowl and places his boot in the right spot. GOAL!

Knee slide for twenty yards, Kim Kardashian arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Usain Bolt slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Good ball from the community organizer to Donald Trump, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. GOOOAL from the investor from way out! In that position, daring the strike from 30 yards and burying it is what makes you look like a genius.

Barack Obama runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Spider-Man tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Oh no, it's in! Milano Piano-Piano punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Corner from Lily Phillips and a header from Usain Bolt, it grazes the bar but goes over. Ooh so close! The superhero goes long for Lily Phillips, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Lovely anticipation from the tv host who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. The tv host shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Shaquille O'Neal. Pure quality, as per usual. Shaquille O'Neal shifts it wide to Barack Obama on the right, lovely ball into the space.

Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. The basketball player lays it off first time to Kim Kardashian, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. One touch football: Kim Kardashian to Eddie Hall, faster than the opposition can think. Eddie Hall puts Donald Trump into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless.

Lily Phillips stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Milano Piano-Piano. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Spider-Man cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Absolutely classic — Spider-Man was once the star attraction at a village boot sale in Suffolk, selling his nan's ornamental plates. Raised forty-seven quid and a tin of Quality Street. The man is a national treasure at 28 years old. And now, our TV game show Would I Lie to the Council! To win planning permission for a shed, text 0800SHED and answer: 'How many forms does it take to get planning permission for a garden shed two inches too tall?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Barack Obama is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Spider-Man takes his time and plays it short to Shaquille O'Neal. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. The film producer plays it simple to Barack Obama, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The community organizer finds Donald Trump along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Free kick conceded by the investor, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. Donald Trump delivers an inswinging free kick, Lily Phillips at the back post tries to get on the end of it.

A real crescendo is building here, the noise levels are climbing. BLOCKED! Usain Bolt strikes but the defender sticks a foot out and deflects it. What a sacrifice. Bonnie Blue tries a cross but it is repelled by a well-positioned defender. Nothing doing. Usain Bolt boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

With one swing of the boot, Barack Obama finds Lily Phillips on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Ball into space from the tv host for Donald Trump, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. Overlap on the left from Donald Trump, floated cross towards Kim Kardashian who rises highest at the far post.

GOAAAL for Milano Piano-Piano! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Spider-Man fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Lily Phillips plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Donald Trump tries the one-two with Sweetie Fox and it comes off! The wall is perfect, Donald Trump wins the battle without even touching the opponent. Donald Trump puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Donald Trump tries a step-over but the defender is not buying it and wins the ball. Magnificent reading of the game from Usain Bolt, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head.

Bonnie Blue floats his free kick into the area, Shaquille O'Neal is there for the header. Shaquille O'Neal goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Burst of speed from the celebrity down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Chipped cross from Kim Kardashian over the block, Lily Phillips peels off and finds himself one on one with the keeper.

Tremendous work from Lily Phillips who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. Sharp turn from Lily Phillips, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. Lily Phillips strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl.

Shared match. LeBron James walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Sweetie Fox does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. Roger from St Albans says forty-seven forms and a two-year waiting period for the shed. Planning permission granted for Roger! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-2 (L)

Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. The investor finds Shaquille O'Neal in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. GOOOAL from the film producer! World class placed finish! In that position, knowing how to find the bottom corner like that is what makes the great players.

Short build-up from Kim Kardashian to Donald Trump, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. POSSSSST from Donald Trump! The upright trembles, the crowd holds its breath, no goal. Drama. What PRESENCE from Barack Obama on the cross from Lily Phillips! He prods the ball into the empty net from 3 yards. POACHER'S GOAL!

Kim Kardashian runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Spider-Man joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The tv host celebrates but it's chalked off, offside from Kim Kardashian's cross. In that position, half a yard costs you. Endless VAR check here, players exchanging glances, managers pacing the technical area. No goal! VAR has found an infringement and Shaquille O'Neal's strike is ruled out! Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game.

Shaquille O'Neal reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Shaquille O'Neal was quicker. Lifesaving clearance from Shaquille O'Neal! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Crossfield pass from Barack Obama to Lily Phillips, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Shaquille O'Neal steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Eddie Hall, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Eddie Hall takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. A train mix-up saw Lily Phillips end up in Scunthorpe instead of Southampton for an away match. The 25-year-old spent three hours in a Wetherspoons before the gaffer sent a minibus. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1234 and answer this question: 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?' And the second half is go! Spider-Man charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Flash wall from Barack Obama for Kim Kardashian who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. The celebrity accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Kim Kardashian blocks the run of the opponent, uses the body well but the ref says no. Kim Kardashian pretends to strike and lays it off to Shaquille O'Neal, well worked short free kick.

And that's a goal! Sevilla Olé-Olé extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Massive punt from Spider-Man, sends the ball sixty yards, Usain Bolt is scrapping for it up top. Powerful run from Usain Bolt down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there.

Oh dear oh dear! Sevilla Olé-Olé score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Barack Obama shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Lily Phillips frees up the entire channel for Sweetie Fox with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. The tv host rolls it back along the ground for Usain Bolt. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches.

The community organizer positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Barack Obama looks up and launches a long pass towards Sweetie Fox. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Superb tackle from the tv host, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Sweetie Fox unleashes a raking ball out to Usain Bolt, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Crafty ball from Usain Bolt into the gap, Bonnie Blue arrives into the space and collects on the move.

Textbook low block, the opposition can't find a way through at all. The strongman produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Good ball from the strongman to Usain Bolt, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Usain Bolt slides a beauty through the gap, Shaquille O'Neal is away, the timing is absolutely spot on.

A draw — that grey zone. Lily Phillips signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Spider-Man adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?'. The answer was of course three and a half, or four if you really mean it. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-3 (L)

Oh my word, the scramble from Sweetie Fox's corner! Three attempts blocked, the defense survives by the skin of their teeth! The strongman prods the ball into the net with the tip of his boot! GOAL! In that position, that nose for goal makes you indispensable.

The celebrity floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. Header won by Shaquille O'Neal, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall. Shaquille O'Neal meets the cross from Donald Trump with his head but it goes over the bar! The community organizer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Sweetie Fox goes crossfield to Usain Bolt, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

Donald Trump throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Donald Trump drops a lofted ball to LeBron James, it sails over the entire midfield line. Inch-perfect cross from LeBron James, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Shaquille O'Neal at the back post. Shaquille O'Neal heads it and sends the ball skimming the crossbar. Over but it was nearly perfect.

Oh that's poor! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Spider-Man. Eddie Hall is on his knees clapping, Spider-Man is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

The superhero finds Lily Phillips with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. The tv host misplaces his pass to Sweetie Fox, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Kim Kardashian reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box.

"You are playing like a bloody pub team!" The gaffer is purple with rage. "My Sunday league side would have put up more of a fight! Shaquille O'Neal, where were you for their second? Having a nap?" Shaquille O'Neal opens {his} mouth to respond and thinks better of it. This is not the time. A plumber was called to Spider-Man's house after the 28-year-old attempted to fix a leaky tap and somehow flooded the entire kitchen. The bill came to more than the original tap was worth — by roughly four grand. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Barack Obama is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Emergency clearance from the community organizer, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Great vision from Bonnie Blue who switches to LeBron James. The defence pivots, but they are too late.

Naughty from Eddie Hall! Pulls the attacker's shirt right in front of the linesman! The strongman sees yellow for a deliberate foul. At that spot on the pitch, it's just smart game management. The free kick from Eddie Hall clears the defence and finds Usain Bolt in the danger area. Usain Bolt sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far. The superhero goes long for Lily Phillips, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now. Kim Kardashian puts the ball right into the mixer, Usain Bolt arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. Aerial duel lost by Usain Bolt, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Spider-Man sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Barack Obama snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Spider-Man waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Long ball from Kim Kardashian to LeBron James, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Good cross from the basketball player for Eddie Hall in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. The cross from Eddie Hall is a gift for the keeper who catches it with total composure. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Diagonal from Lily Phillips to Donald Trump, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

The tv host fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. Bonnie Blue gets a caution for backchat. Needs to pipe down and get on with the game. Short free kick from Bonnie Blue to Barack Obama, they are trying the training ground move. Wide from the community organizer! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in.

Burst of speed from the basketball player down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. The cross from LeBron James does not find a single teammate, the keeper claims it without fuss. Spider-Man lumps it long towards Donald Trump, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Donald Trump switches the play to Sweetie Fox on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

Kim Kardashian goes straight to the bus without showering. Sits at the back, hood up, headphones in. Shaquille O'Neal takes the seat across the aisle but doesn't try to talk. The motorway lights flicker past the window. Sometimes silence is the only honest response. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

The community organizer lays it off first time to Usain Bolt, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Usain Bolt lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Donald Trump down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Donald Trump sends a cannonball under the bar, the keeper is rooted to the spot!

Barack Obama falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Donald Trump arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Iron defense, every ball cleared with authority. Spider-Man makes the right call and gathers the ball in the air. The defence can relax, the keeper is there. Long kick from Spider-Man, Eddie Hall positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Lay-off from Donald Trump to Usain Bolt, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Delicious through ball from Usain Bolt, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Kim Kardashian is there to gobble it up. The celebrity accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. What a ball from Usain Bolt! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Donald Trump is away on his own. That is velvet. Burst of speed from the investor down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Donald Trump chips a cross over everyone, Sweetie Fox finds himself alone behind the defence. Sweetie Fox sends a powerful header on the cross from Kim Kardashian but it flies over. The whole stadium thought it was in.

Key pass from Shaquille O'Neal! It fizzes between the lines and Barack Obama collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. Spider-Man charges the attacker and smothers at the feet! Neuer-style sweep, pure art. Long ball from Spider-Man for Sweetie Fox who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Donald Trump winces. Bonnie Blue looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Now this is class — Donald Trump once tried to pay for petrol entirely in coins and held up the queue for twelve minutes. The woman behind him nearly called the police. He was 80 at the time and maintains he was 'clearing out the change jar.' Utterly British. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9090 and answer this question: 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Donald Trump takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Decisive interception from the strongman, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Underhit ball from Shaquille O'Neal, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it.

Donald Trump pings a long diagonal to Kim Kardashian, completely shifts the point of attack. Masterful aerial duel from Kim Kardashian, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Kim Kardashian puts it right into the feet of Eddie Hall, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Disaster! London Three-Pints score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Spider-Man mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Sweetie Fox plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Spider-Man plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Quick one-two between Shaquille O'Neal and Eddie Hall, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Eddie Hall bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. The strongman fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. Eddie Hall goes into the book. That was a reckless, studs-up challenge. Free kick from Eddie Hall, it hits the wall and comes back. Nothing to report.

Eddie Hall changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Bonnie Blue. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Bonnie Blue fires but the defender bravely throws himself in and takes the ball in the body. Heroic.

Eddie Hall plays it simple to Bonnie Blue, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Bonnie Blue turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Sweetie Fox. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside by a nose for Sweetie Fox on the ball from Bonnie Blue! You'd need a microscope for that one. Spider-Man launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Lily Phillips after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Huge tackle from Lily Phillips! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away.

Level. Kim Kardashian picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Donald Trump waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?'. The answer was of course 1847, and Team GB has won gold at every Olympics since, though nobody noticed because the medal ceremony queue was too long. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.