My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

81-119 (L)

Tip is UP and Shaquille O'Neal gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

GET THAT OUTTA HERE! Shaquille O'Neal meets that jumper at the top of its flight and spikes it into the sideline. Everything starts with that release, Shaquille O'Neal hitting Superman in full flight before the defense has even turned around. Superman attacks the paint, absorbs the bump, twists his body all the way around the defender and reverses it in. FILTHY.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Kobe Bryant feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. Whistle! Kobe Bryant got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. First one drops clean through, the second one never even touches iron. Cold blooded from Kobe Bryant.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Kobe Bryant disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Shaquille O'Neal is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Halftime whistle. Darth Vader flops into the first available chair. Rumor has it Darth Vader does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Ankle! To win a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska, text HOOPS to 555-0212 and answer this question: 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

Right through the window. Kobe Bryant to Shaquille O'Neal on the roll, and the help was a half step late. From eight feet Shaquille O'Neal puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

The jedi makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Stephen Curry did all the dirty work on that one. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Superman put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Darth Vader precisely where the play wanted it. Watch the sell from Darth Vader here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. The crowd has found its chant, and Darth Vader is going to be hearing it all night.

No hero ball here: Stephen Curry takes what the defense gives and moves it along. The superhero just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Oh my. Superman did not even draw iron.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

OHHHH the pin-down! Kobe Bryant pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Stephen Curry. Brutal. Perfect drop-off from Shaquille O'Neal, and Kobe Bryant answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Kobe Bryant wraps him up with nobody between the ball and the rim, and the officials do not hesitate for a second. FLAGRANT ONE! The defender wipes out Kobe Bryant in midair and that is nowhere near a basketball play.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Over the top of everybody. Kobe Bryant to Darth Vader in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Watch the change of pace from Darth Vader, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Darth Vader blows the wide open layup!

Shaquille O'Neal sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Superman winces. And here is the answer to our game The Weakest Ankle! Delbert Yoakum of Cold Biscuit, Missouri, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' The answer was of course fifteen, though eleven of those are purely spiritual. Delbert takes home a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska! Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

122-97 (W)

Watch the spacing there, Kobe Bryant hits Stephen Curry right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. POCKET PASS! Stephen Curry threads it to Kobe Bryant between two bodies and the rim is wide open! That is a throwback bucket: Kobe Bryant with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

Set called, Kobe Bryant waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. Look how low Kobe Bryant keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Onions! Kobe Bryant did that with a hand in his face.

Kobe Bryant sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Miami Heart-Attack bench does not find it funny. Superman pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Somebody explain the arc to the jedi. He gave away three shots on a prayer, and you can watch the coach age in real time.

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Superman eats the contact so Kobe Bryant can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and Kobe Bryant rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Kobe Bryant rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. Superman plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

Halftime! Superman looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Anecdote: Superman lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Seventy-Eight and a Half! To win a hand-crank ice cream maker missing the crank, text HOOPS to 555-0413 and answer this question: 'What is the average lifespan of an ink pen at a bank?' Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

The defender planted his feet, and Stephen Curry said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. You can live with most mistakes, but fouling Stephen Curry behind the arc gets you a seat next to the coach.

Down screen, and Kobe Bryant curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Rim out for Kobe Bryant, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Timeouts are currency in the fourth quarter and they just spent one early. Shaquille O'Neal cost them a possession they will want back.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Stephen Curry holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Darth Vader flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. The jedi just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Darth Vader hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Stephen Curry shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the jedi, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Shaquille O'Neal spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! Prayer from Shaquille O'Neal. Not answered.

This is the unglamorous half of winning. No highlight, no replay, just Stephen Curry shaving twenty-two seconds off the night and handing the ball back.

Shaquille O'Neal performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Superman imitates it. It's worse. And here is the answer to our game Match Game Seventy-Eight and a Half! Roscoe Tidwell of Frog Level, Alabama, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the average lifespan of an ink pen at a bank?' The answer was of course nine minutes, after which it goes home with a man named Gary. Roscoe takes home a hand-crank ice cream maker missing the crank! I got a text from Shaquille O'Neal after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

122-84 (W)

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Darth Vader has known that all night long. Screened, toasted, done. Kobe Bryant is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Kobe Bryant is doing it the old way.

Kobe Bryant steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

Stephen Curry rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Darth Vader whips the extra pass across the arc, Stephen Curry rises without a dribble, and SPLASH.

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. Stephen Curry points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Watch Shaquille O'Neal plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Darth Vader out of that corner in a blink. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Darth Vader is walking back with both hands on his head.

OHHHH the hesi! Kobe Bryant froze him solid and he is already gone! Two defenders in the lane, Kobe Bryant splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Kobe Bryant is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

The superhero had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job. Nobody put a body on Stephen Curry and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. OHHHH he went and GOT that! Stephen Curry with the putback jam over two bodies.

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. Stephen Curry holds it three seconds. Superman applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and Stephen Curry collects every last one.

Halftime! Kobe Bryant is limping slightly heading off the court. Anecdote: Kobe Bryant threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase But Everyone Is Walking! To win a milk crate full of cassette tapes with no labels, text HOOPS to 555-0853 and answer this question: 'What is the record for most consecutive high fives that missed?' Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.

The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Stephen Curry punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Pull-up from the elbow by Shaquille O'Neal, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The jedi just handed that one straight to the other team. Hey, nobody is perfect at two jobs at once.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. A cut with that timing from the superhero? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Superman had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Screen, pop, SPLASH! Stephen Curry kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. The jedi had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

The assistant points at the far corner, the head coach points at Darth Vader, and the other three get told exactly where to stand. Drawn up in the huddle, executed by the superhero, who clocks in somewhere else on Monday morning. Perfect.

Chest bump so violent that Superman and Kobe Bryant both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Stephen Curry takes a bow for the crowd. Kobe Bryant bows to Stephen Curry. The nobility of basketball. And here is the answer to our game show The Chase But Everyone Is Walking! Otis Wagstaff of Empty Barrel, Nevada, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the record for most consecutive high fives that missed?' The answer was of course forty one, set at a rec league in 1998 and never approached since. Otis therefore wins a milk crate full of cassette tapes with no labels! Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

104-90 (W)

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. Kobe Bryant sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Shaquille O'Neal finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Up goes the shot from Kobe Bryant and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Kobe Bryant has all the room in the world. Getting to his spot and elevating, Kobe Bryant puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Laser from Darth Vader, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The superhero turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Baby hook by Superman, right over that outstretched hand, high off the board, count it.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

SPIN and GO! Stephen Curry pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Not a hand on him. Stephen Curry flat missed the bunny.

Halftime whistle. Darth Vader spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Rumor has it Darth Vader talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Stephen Curry makes it every single trip down the floor. Ball into Stephen Curry at the elbow, Superman plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. BAAAANG! Superman from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

Rebounding is pure want-to, and on that one Shaquille O'Neal just got out-wanted by a stronger, meaner man.

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits Shaquille O'Neal in stride before the defense can even match up. Hard drive, hard stop, and Shaquille O'Neal retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Shaquille O'Neal gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. Shaquille O'Neal just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Superman half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. From WAY downtown! Superman launched that one from the parking lot!

Superman does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Darth Vader that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Stephen Curry breaks a shell down. Superman comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Nasty finish. Superman hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

Fourteen. Thirteen. Twelve. Stephen Curry is in no hurry whatsoever.

Superman and Shaquille O'Neal swing Stephen Curry around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

112-89 (W)

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Kobe Bryant does. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Kobe Bryant drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Kobe Bryant gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Kobe Bryant. Cruel.

Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Kobe Bryant should never take with three teammates standing wide open. Hustle play of the night so far. Darth Vader gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. BAAAANG! Darth Vader rips the offensive board and puts it right back through!

Darth Vader pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. Superman mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

Cut! Halftime. Darth Vader's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Did you know Darth Vader entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares of Cheese! To win a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod, text HOOPS to 555-0134 and answer this question: 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

That is the shot chart lying to you. Darth Vader did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Superman has now cleaned up four misses tonight. The superhero just went up over everybody and put that miss back with two hands. That is a night he tells his grandkids about!

Superman sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Phoenix No-Defense bench does not find it funny. Stephen Curry pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

OHHHH that is filthy! Stephen Curry on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. The jedi just double dribbled in front of a sold-out building. Nobody back at work is ever letting that one go.

Second charge drawn by Superman tonight, and that big fella is going to think twice before lowering a shoulder again.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Stephen Curry, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Stephen Curry, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

No play on the ball whatsoever. Superman took the man down from behind and hoped the crew was feeling generous. They were not. Superman goes up in transition and gets HAMMERED across the head. The crew heads to the monitor, and this one is getting upgraded.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Shaquille O'Neal on time and on target. BACKDOOR! Shaquille O'Neal slips behind a sleeping defense and Kobe Bryant hits him right in stride! That is body control you simply cannot coach: Shaquille O'Neal stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Shaquille O'Neal plants himself in front of the Phoenix No-Defense bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Two decoy screens, a flare to the weak side, then Darth Vader coming off the second one. That is the whole thing. Sixty seconds in the huddle and Stephen Curry cashes it without a single wasted dribble. Textbook.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Stephen Curry strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Darth Vader carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Kobe Bryant throws chalk powder like LeBron. Stephen Curry coughs for two minutes straight. And here is the answer to our game Hollywood Squares of Cheese! Dwayne Pickle of Beaver Hollow, Pennsylvania, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' The answer was of course all of them, that is the entire business model. Dwayne takes home a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod! Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

96-112 (L)

The jedi just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! That is the shot Stephen Curry wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

STOP AND GO! Kobe Bryant hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Kobe Bryant fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Swing, swing, and Stephen Curry finds Darth Vader on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Darth Vader gives it up to Stephen Curry on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Off the back iron for Stephen Curry, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The players head to the locker room. Superman is sweating like a racehorse. They say Superman eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. And now, our halftime TV game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! To win a bathrobe that is technically a curtain, text HOOPS to 555-0827 and answer this question: 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

Active hands, quiet stat sheet. Stephen Curry has been poking at everything that moves for two straight quarters. Rebound, look, gone. Kobe Bryant to Shaquille O'Neal and this is a footrace now. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Shaquille O'Neal scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Shaquille O'Neal pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. Kobe Bryant mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

Watch Shaquille O'Neal plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Stephen Curry out of that corner in a blink. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Stephen Curry up there and returns it with interest.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Kobe Bryant kicks it over to Darth Vader, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. One hard step and Darth Vader owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. The jedi gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Clean feed from Stephen Curry, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Dribble handoff from Shaquille O'Neal, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Kobe Bryant rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

SKIP PASS! Stephen Curry fires it cross court to Darth Vader and the defense is dead in the water! The jedi just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. That is a dime from Stephen Curry that deserved so much better, and Darth Vader knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Winning basketball right there: Kobe Bryant knocks the swing pass off course and that offense has to run it back from the top. One hand, full court, Kobe Bryant hits Shaquille O'Neal in stride and the crowd is already up. OHHHHH POSTERIZED! Shaquille O'Neal just ENDED that defender at the rim!

Shaquille O'Neal crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Darth Vader mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Hold everything, they are going to the replay on Shaquille O'Neal, and this building has stopped breathing. Freeze it right there: leather glued to the fingers of Shaquille O'Neal, horn already screaming. No basket.

Superman stares at the floor while Stephen Curry mutters something inaudible under his breath. And here is the answer to our game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! Bernice Chadwick of Cabbage Patch Corners, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' The answer was of course two million and change, and not one pair matches. Bernice therefore wins a bathrobe that is technically a curtain! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

114-81 (W)

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Darth Vader precisely where the play wanted it. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Darth Vader left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Somebody check that job title again: the jedi hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Kobe Bryant pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Kobe Bryant, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Timed to the tenth of a second, thrown to a spot only one man in this gym can get to, and Darth Vader hammers it home like it is nothing.

Nothing but a nod. Darth Vader jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Toronto Border-Patrol bench looks personally insulted.

Baseline drive by Darth Vader, he absorbs the hammer from the help defender, and the official is already pointing to the line. The jedi just airballed a FREE THROW, and somewhere a group chat has already saved that clip forever.

Shaquille O'Neal gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Stephen Curry saw it a beat early. Unselfish basketball. Shaquille O'Neal passes up a good shot and hands Darth Vader a GREAT one. The jedi misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Kobe Bryant picks up the pace. Fun fact: Kobe Bryant failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! To win a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing, text HOOPS to 555-1207 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.

No roll this time. Stephen Curry swings it right back to Shaquille O'Neal above the break, and it is PURE. Shaquille O'Neal probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

Shaquille O'Neal plants himself in front of the Toronto Border-Patrol bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Hesitate, GO. Kobe Bryant is by that hip before the man even blinks. Wrapped up the arm on the gather, plain as day. Kobe Bryant gets two, and the bench is already standing. This is exactly why the coach wants the ball in his hands late. Kobe Bryant has been money at that line all season long.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Shaquille O'Neal on time and on target. That is vision. Shaquille O'Neal sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Rising into two defenders, Kobe Bryant launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

The beauty of it is that Stephen Curry never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. The jedi just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

The defender wants to reach and does not dare. Stephen Curry keeps the ball on the back hip, chin up, counting down.

Darth Vader jumps so high from joy he nearly touches the scoreboard. Almost. And here is the answer to our game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! Norma Jean Sprinkle of Butterbean Flats, Alaska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' The answer was of course nine, and the tenth one is purely professional. Norma Jean therefore wins a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing! I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

125-89 (W)

Two guys on the exact same page, Kobe Bryant and Darth Vader, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. That stepback is unguardable once the drive gets sold, and Kobe Bryant has had that defender guessing wrong all night long.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Hand in the air, hand in the air again, Kobe Bryant is calling for the rock on every trip and the defense has no answer for it. Kobe Bryant takes two dribbles past halfcourt, rises from thirty five feet, and the net barely moves. Filthy.

Stephen Curry launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH the separation! Kobe Bryant just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. OHHHH the FADEAWAY! Kobe Bryant rises over the defender and it falls through.

Off the pin-down comes the jedi with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Darth Vader rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Back to the locker room. Stephen Curry's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Bus driver's confession: Stephen Curry raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show To Tell the Truth-ish! To win a wall clock shaped like a rooster that crows at random, text HOOPS to 555-0330 and answer this question: 'What is the scientific name for the smell of a middle school gymnasium?' Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

Ball moves. Darth Vader to Stephen Curry, on time and on target. Baseline wide open. Stephen Curry said thank you. Runner in the lane by Stephen Curry, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. Stephen Curry holds it three seconds. Shaquille O'Neal applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and Stephen Curry collects every last one.

Feet were down. Shaquille O'Neal drove through a brick wall, and the officials agree with the brick wall.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. Oldest play in the book, and Superman runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Stephen Curry cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Swing, swing, and Stephen Curry finds Darth Vader on the wing before the help can even turn its head. The jedi just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Kobe Bryant drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Jab, jab, STEPBACK. Shaquille O'Neal snatched his ankles and let it go clean.

Bench energy is real currency over a long season, and Darth Vader just handed his teammates a full bank account.

Pounding the dribble up top, body wedged between the ball and the defender, shoulders wide, Stephen Curry is giving away absolutely nothing.

Superman throws chalk powder like LeBron. Darth Vader coughs for two minutes straight. And here is the answer to our game To Tell the Truth-ish! Merle Hackenbush of Muddy Boot, Illinois, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the scientific name for the smell of a middle school gymnasium?' The answer was of course nostalgia, with strong notes of floor wax. Merle takes home a wall clock shaped like a rooster that crows at random! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

103-100 (W)

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Stephen Curry threw it before the help even committed. Give and go! Darth Vader gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Kobe Bryant threads a BEAUTY to Darth Vader under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Kobe Bryant just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Darth Vader half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the jedi! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

OHHHH, what a read by Kobe Bryant! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Darth Vader missed that one with real conviction.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Baseline spin from Kobe Bryant at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Fifth possession this half where Kobe Bryant has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Break! Kobe Bryant has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know? Kobe Bryant tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. And now, our halftime TV game show Beat the Clock Radio! To win a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011, text HOOPS to 555-0022 and answer this question: 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

OHHHH, no no no! Stephen Curry steps into a contested step-back with eighteen on the clock and clangs it. Greedy.

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Watch the spacing there, Kobe Bryant hits Stephen Curry right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Stephen Curry keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Stephen Curry rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Stephen Curry plants himself in front of the Houston Blast-Off bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Stephen Curry did that, and now the loudest twelve people in this arena are all wearing the same uniform he is. Snatched! Kobe Bryant came out of NOWHERE for that one.

The jedi just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The superhero reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Superman and Kobe Bryant just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Nobody expects touch like that from the superhero, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

Darth Vader does not love that call. Both hands in the air, a long look at the official, and the whistle still counts. Third whistle on Darth Vader. He could argue the first two. This one he cannot.

Nine seconds to work with, one play call, and it runs through Kobe Bryant. When the game shrinks like this, you go to your guy. Understand what you just watched: an entire year turns on one possession, and Darth Vader stepped into it without a single flicker of doubt.

Stephen Curry and Shaquille O'Neal do celebratory push-ups. Kobe Bryant counts out loud. Definitely cheating. And here is the answer to our game Beat the Clock Radio! Buford Wamsley of Cement City, Michigan, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' The answer was of course that is strictly between the mascot and the mascot. Buford takes home a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011! Tonight I learned Stephen Curry used to be a jedi before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

102-122 (L)

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Kobe Bryant eats the contact so Darth Vader can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Down, up, and gone for Darth Vader. The rim is just toying with him now.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Kobe Bryant just did it by hitting Darth Vader on the back side with acres of room. A full spin move through traffic from the jedi! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. The jedi just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Kobe Bryant attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, Kobe Bryant panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

Into the tunnel. Kobe Bryant grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Anecdote: Kobe Bryant threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Rebound! To win a first place pepper jelly ribbon from the 1996 state fair, text HOOPS to 555-1327 and answer this question: 'What is the official color of the squeak sneaker makes on a wet floor?' Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.

Worst possession of the night for the other team, and Kobe Bryant just turned it into three points at the stripe. Free of charge. OHHH that is a rotten one to pick up. Kobe Bryant bumps a cutter out near the logo on a play that threatened nobody.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Shaquille O'Neal on time and on target. OHHHH the pin-down! Shaquille O'Neal pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Darth Vader. Brutal. Gift wrapped by Superman, and Shaquille O'Neal cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

A single dribble is all Kobe Bryant needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Third look from distance for Kobe Bryant tonight and the arc keeps flattening out, tired legs writing checks the jumper cannot cash.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the jedi, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Screened, toasted, done. Stephen Curry is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Stephen Curry builds the whole thing from nothing. No screen, no help, three points.

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

One little shoulder dip from Kobe Bryant and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. OHHHH! Kobe Bryant went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Stephen Curry launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Shaquille O'Neal never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Shaquille O'Neal goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Take the foul, live with whatever happens at the line. Superman clamps down on the ball handler and the whistle does the rest.

Darth Vader bites the inside of his cheek. Kobe Bryant pinches the bridge of his nose. And here is the answer to our game show The Weakest Rebound! Earlene Tidwell of Gizzard Ridge, Tennessee, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the official color of the squeak sneaker makes on a wet floor?' The answer was of course a light mustard yellow, per the county Department of Squeaks. Earlene therefore wins a first place pepper jelly ribbon from the 1996 state fair! Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

115-108 (W)

Left, right, gone. Kobe Bryant put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Kobe Bryant, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

No hero ball here: Kobe Bryant takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Full stop, full sprint, and the jedi is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. A cruel spin-out for the jedi, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Over the top of everybody. Darth Vader to Shaquille O'Neal in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Shaquille O'Neal makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. That is what heavy minutes do, Kobe Bryant has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Stephen Curry has known that all night long. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A superhero making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Darth Vader!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Halftime whistle. Shaquille O'Neal spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. True story: Shaquille O'Neal walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against New York Over-Timers. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! To win a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office, text HOOPS to 555-0278 and answer this question: 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.

OHHHH the separation! Kobe Bryant just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Kobe Bryant loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Kobe Bryant just did it by hitting Shaquille O'Neal on the back side with acres of room. Shaquille O'Neal rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Shaquille O'Neal.

Chest bump so violent that Shaquille O'Neal and Darth Vader both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Clean block, all ball, no whistle, and Shaquille O'Neal jogs back down the floor like nothing happened.

Laser from Darth Vader, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Straight down the baseline goes the superhero! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. The defender fronted him, so Superman sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Straight to the logo at center court, Superman plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

OHHHH what a hustle play from Kobe Bryant! He had no business getting a finger on that basketball. OUTLET! Shaquille O'Neal rips the board and fires it ahead to Stephen Curry before anybody gets back! A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Stephen Curry do that to one of their own.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The crew chief takes a long look at the monitor, comes back out, and points Stephen Curry straight down the tunnel.

Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal lap the court arm in arm, singing. Off-key. And here is the answer to our game Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! Verna Lou Cottongim of Flat Tire, Arizona, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' The answer was of course nobody knows, because they multiply in the off-season. Verna Lou takes home a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office! I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

111-106 (W)

Shaquille O'Neal gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Kobe Bryant saw it a beat early. Here comes Kobe Bryant sprinting off the elbow. Shaquille O'Neal slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Reverse layup by Kobe Bryant, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Second pass beats the rotation, Kobe Bryant to Stephen Curry, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Awful shot by Stephen Curry with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits Darth Vader in stride before the defense can even match up. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Darth Vader, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the jedi is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

Darth Vader mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Cleveland Twin-Towers fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Back in the locker room, Shaquille O'Neal sits down and stares at the ceiling. Did you know? Shaquille O'Neal tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. And now, our halftime TV game show Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! To win a bowling trophy from a league that never existed, text HOOPS to 555-0192 and answer this question: 'What is the flavor of blue?' Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.

Set called, Kobe Bryant waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. Kobe Bryant stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Two points left on the floor by Kobe Bryant, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

The other bench wants a timeout and they wanted it two minutes ago, because Shaquille O'Neal has turned a comfortable evening into a full blown emergency.

Darth Vader launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Stephen Curry the moment he crosses half court. Shot clock at one, and Stephen Curry just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

They have to shoot over the top of this thing, and the top of it is a long way up. Filthy work from Kobe Bryant. The superhero out here on the deck fighting for loose balls. Nobody pays him for that, and he could not care less.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. A full spin move through traffic from the jedi! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Rises, releases, and Darth Vader sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Hesitate, GO. Stephen Curry is by that hip before the man even blinks. Stephen Curry beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

HERE WE GO! Superman with the rock and everything riding on whatever happens next! From WAY downtown! Superman walks into it from 27 feet and the red light is on before the ball comes down. DAGGER!

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Darth Vader and an assistant coach who both want to hug Superman first. Superman lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Superman, Kobe Bryant, and Stephen Curry pose for a group photo at center court. Nobody has a phone. And here is the answer to our game Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! Elmer Tunstall of Split Rail, Vermont, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the flavor of blue?' The answer was of course blue, which has been blue since 1968 and nobody has improved on it. Elmer takes home a bowling trophy from a league that never existed! While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

88-116 (L)

Darth Vader sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Stephen Curry lays it right on his hands in traffic! In, around, and gone. The iron gives Darth Vader nothing.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Darth Vader passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. OHHHH what a FINISH from Darth Vader! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Darth Vader keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

Two defenders, one gap, and Darth Vader finds it. Onions on that pass. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Stephen Curry he is on the wrong end of it.

Over the top of everybody. Darth Vader to Stephen Curry in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. GONE down the baseline! Stephen Curry beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Rim out for Stephen Curry, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Halftime whistle. Superman spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Did you know? Superman has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. And now, our halftime TV game show Shop Til You Flop! To win a lifetime membership in a book club that owns one book, text HOOPS to 555-0983 and answer this question: 'How many gallons of orange drink are sold at a fairground gym?' The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.

Shaquille O'Neal reads it two passes early, steps into the gap and takes away the entire lane before anybody gets there. Shaquille O'Neal goes up with the hands to the ceiling and the shot comes off the front rim. Textbook verticality.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Kobe Bryant gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. That is the kind of finish that changes a defense's body language, and Kobe Bryant has already done it twice this quarter.

Kobe Bryant sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Boston Ring-Chasers bench does not find it funny. Superman pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Swing, swing, and Kobe Bryant finds Stephen Curry on the wing before the help can even turn its head. OHHHH the pin-down! Stephen Curry pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Kobe Bryant. Brutal. AIRBALL! Stephen Curry missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Stephen Curry gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Nobody touched him, nobody trapped him, and Kobe Bryant still coughed it up. Easiest whistle these officials will blow all night.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Stephen Curry splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Superman catches on the wing, jab step, spin move, and that pivot foot comes clean off the hardwood. Traveling.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Kobe Bryant. No touch. Kobe Bryant left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Shaquille O'Neal stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Kobe Bryant exhales. Again. And again. And here is the answer to our game show Shop Til You Flop! Roberta Yoakum of Cedar Stump, Vermont, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many gallons of orange drink are sold at a fairground gym?' The answer was of course eighty gallons, and only nine people will admit to buying any. Roberta therefore wins a lifetime membership in a book club that owns one book! Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

93-101 (L)

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, Darth Vader drops it off perfectly for Superman diving to the rim. That is twice tonight Superman has tried to create with the dribble already dead, and this league does not reward that.

Look at that bench! Shaquille O'Neal just lit the fuse! Kobe Bryant times the leap perfectly and swallows that layup whole. Put it on the front page, that is the play of the night.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Darth Vader just did it by hitting Kobe Bryant on the back side with acres of room. Kobe Bryant hands it off to Superman, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Heat check for Kobe Bryant and it is GOOD. He is COOKING, and this building knows exactly what it is watching.

Kobe Bryant rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. Superman plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. A superhero breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! OHHHH, Superman from WAY downtown off the catch! The defense rotated a half second late and paid full price.

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. Superman holds it three seconds. Shaquille O'Neal applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and Superman collects every last one.

Finally a breather. Stephen Curry has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Confession: Stephen Curry calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show Beat the Clock Radio! To win a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011, text HOOPS to 555-0022 and answer this question: 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' We're back! The players look fired up.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Darth Vader makes it every single trip down the floor. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Stephen Curry is gone, so Superman earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Way short from Stephen Curry off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

That is the kind of giveaway you can only hand over yourself, and Stephen Curry has now done it twice in this quarter alone.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

A full technical foul over the superhero! The coach has lost his mind, the bench is delighted, and the crowd is eating it up.

Cross court, on a rope, from the jedi. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Stephen Curry rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Third one of these from Stephen Curry this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

Over the top of everybody. Stephen Curry to Shaquille O'Neal in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Shaquille O'Neal whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Kobe Bryant blows the wide open layup!

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Kobe Bryant the moment he crosses half court. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Kobe Bryant has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Shaquille O'Neal takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Superman doesn't drink. Throat too tight. And here is the answer to our game Beat the Clock Radio! Buford Wamsley of Cement City, Michigan, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' The answer was of course that is strictly between the mascot and the mascot. Buford takes home a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

99-125 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Shaquille O'Neal who wins the little argument at center court.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Oh, Darth Vader wanted to be heard. Congratulations, he was heard. Free throw the other way.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Ball moves. Stephen Curry to Kobe Bryant, on time and on target. Down screen, and Kobe Bryant curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Kobe Bryant went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Break! Stephen Curry rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Little secret: Stephen Curry listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Bologna! To win a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore, text HOOPS to 555-0204 and answer this question: 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.

He tried to rise over Shaquille O'Neal. That was a mistake, and the ball is now several rows deep.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

STOP AND GO! Stephen Curry hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Rim out for Stephen Curry, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Stephen Curry kicks it over to Kobe Bryant, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. The defender crowded the middle, and Kobe Bryant punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Kobe Bryant has it on a string tonight.

Pointing up at the family section, Kobe Bryant taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Shaquille O'Neal precisely where the play wanted it. OHHHH the pocket pass! Shaquille O'Neal splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the jedi! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Stephen Curry gives it up to Shaquille O'Neal on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Perfect drop-off from Stephen Curry, and Shaquille O'Neal answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone. Muscled away at the second jump by Shaquille O'Neal, and this offense resets with a fresh shot clock. That is pure want-to: Shaquille O'Neal was the only man on the floor who decided that rebound belonged to him.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Shaquille O'Neal never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Laser from Stephen Curry, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Ball into Superman at the elbow, Kobe Bryant plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Long and gone. Kobe Bryant floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Under review. Kobe Bryant does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. Waved off. Kobe Bryant got the entire celebration in before the officials even reached the monitor.

Stephen Curry walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Shaquille O'Neal speeds up. Wants it to be over. And here is the answer to our game Bowling for Bologna! Faye Ellen Duckworth of Sweat Bee, Connecticut, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The answer was of course two, and the rest are there for confidence. Faye Ellen takes home a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore! Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'