My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. LeBron James. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 206 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Hulk. The man is a scientist. Yes, you heard that right. A scientist. On a basketball court. With their lab notebook in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Hulk had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. The budget? It's "here, take my credit card and go nuts." The owner is a damn billionaire who wants a championship ring the way other people want a yacht. Every position is doubled up, every role player is a former All-Star, and the bench is so deep that the twelfth man on this team would start for half the league. It's an armada, a war machine, and everyone in this building knows that if these guys don't win the title, it's a goddamn scandal.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
83-128 (L)
Hulk stretches center court! Loosening up, the scientist is getting ready!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, can't finish from mid-range! That one stings!
Stephen Curry crosses over carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Michael Jordan, this tower, can't keep up with the speed! Tendency to rush exposed!
Godzilla goes to work and kicks the stanchion! This elite player losing composure!
First half is done. Michael Jordan is chugging Gatorade like it's water. True story: Michael Jordan had his parking spot stolen by Detroit Engine-Roar's mascot. Still talks about it. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Michael Jordan takes off and fires but misses everything! Occasional mental lapses tonight!
Hulk is cramping up! This franchise cornerstone trying to shake it off! Heavy feet!
Stephen Curry crosses over into a dead end from mid-range! Turnover! Occasional mental lapses!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, throws the hands up! Exasperated in transition!
Hulk leaves the gym with dignity! The dignity of a scientist with their lab notebook!
LeBron James slams his fist on the bench. Stephen Curry places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
98-99 (L)
Tip-off! LeBron James gets us started! Let's go!
Hulk racks up an and-one! Productive night for this scientist!
This absolute legend LeBron James commits the and-one foul! Tendency to rush in positioning!
LeBron James, this long boy, wastes a golden chance with a wild pull-up jumper!
Michael Jordan takes the lead! A two-handed slam! The comeback is complete! Unbelievable!
Break. Hulk collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Anecdote: Hulk fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Hulk misses both free throws! A scientist failing the hidden truth inspection, twice!
LeBron James, this first-ballot legend, refuses to high-five! Tendency to rush hurting the chemistry!
The narrative shifts! Michael Jordan takes control with that dawg mentality!
Godzilla throws it away with the game on the line! Hot head!
LeBron James, this living legend, takes the loss hard. Shaky emotions under pressure at the wrong moments.
Stephen Curry has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Hulk has aged ten years in forty minutes. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
95-110 (L)
Godzilla takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Stephen Curry clanks another one off the rim! This big-name player needs to find rhythm!
This generational talent Hulk with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Hulk gets burned on the drive! Shaky emotions under pressure in lateral movement!
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry with a cold-blooded and-one! No conscience!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Michael Jordan to massage his thighs. Small detail: Michael Jordan whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan fouls hard out of frustration! Lack of consistency showing!
Hulk misses the layup! Even the hidden truth would have gone in easier!
Stephen Curry lets fly into the right spacing! Scary good handles and elite court awareness!
Michael Jordan short-arms the shot from fatigue! This certified GOAT candidate has nothing left!
Hulk dribbles past the media. This household name not in the mood to talk.
Godzilla's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Hulk hides his eyes under a towel. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
95-110 (L)
This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry comes out aggressive! Opens with a euro-step at the buzzer!
Hulk misses at with seconds left on the clock! A scientist dropping the hidden truth at the worst time!
Stephen Curry with the lazy pass! Shaky emotions under pressure leading to easy points!
LeBron James gets caught flat-footed! This certified GOAT candidate beaten to the spot!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James does it again! A thunderous slam with effortless precision!
Halftime! Michael Jordan looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Did you know Michael Jordan once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Hulk goes to work angrily after the turnover! This global icon spiraling!
Michael Jordan, this absolute unit, gets stuffed trying a sky hook! Denied!
LeBron James dribbles the ball out of the trap! Silky smooth technique under pressure!
Godzilla is gassed! This All-Star caliber talent bent over at half court! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up!
Hulk fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the scientist gave everything!
Hulk taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Stephen Curry walks through the door without pushing it. I learned that Hulk's father was a scientist. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
113-82 (W)
This established star Godzilla gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Hulk goes coast to coast for a double-clutch layup! This all-time great is relentless!
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan with a beautiful floater along the baseline! Poetry in motion!
This big-name player Stephen Curry with a charge taken from way beyond the arc! Intimidating!
Break time. Michael Jordan bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. True story: Michael Jordan had his parking spot stolen by Phoenix No-Defense's mascot. Still talks about it. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
A pull-up jumper by LeBron James from the right corner! Nerves of steel in every fiber!
This established star Godzilla puts the exclamation point! A finger roll from the left corner!
Stephen Curry dishes and the shoe flies off! This world-class player playing barefoot briefly!
This first-ballot legend Michael Jordan waves goodbye to the opponent! A victory dance! Savage!
LeBron James blows past into the tunnel with the W! This hall-of-fame lock all smiles!
Hulk pretends to plant a flag at center court. LeBron James stands at attention. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
97-95 (W)
Godzilla crosses over onto the floor! The crowd roars for this multi-time All-Star!
Hulk steals the ball! Quick hands from discoverring the hidden truth all day!
Godzilla, this do-it-all player, gets the separation but can't finish! Sometimes predictable game!
This headliner Stephen Curry goes to work from the left corner! A free throw drops beautifully!
This global icon LeBron James calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Both teams head to the locker room. Stephen Curry wipes his forehead with his jersey. Did you know Stephen Curry entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
LeBron James takes off past the defender! A two-handed slam in the clutch! Incredible!
Stephen Curry draws the offensive foul! Smart play, great positioning!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James silences the hostile crowd! A hostile crowd shifts!
This guy everybody knows Godzilla silences the crowd! A bucket from the right corner! Stone cold!
Hulk wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their lab notebook and the orange!
Hulk and Stephen Curry attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. Michael Jordan films the whole thing. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
91-117 (L)
Hulk lands the first thunderous slam! First blood! The scientist strikes first!
Godzilla rises up but overcooks it! Tendency to rush showing up again!
Godzilla, this swiss-army-knife type, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the right corner!
Michael Jordan, this titan, gets exploited in the switch! Tendency to force bad shots exposed in the mismatch!
This franchise guy Godzilla is automatic at half court! A bank shot drops again!
Break. Stephen Curry collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know Stephen Curry once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. We're back! The players look fired up.
Godzilla, this versatile guy, shows negative body language! Heavy feet creeping in!
Stephen Curry rushes a buzzer beater from mid-range! Tendency to force bad shots creeping in!
Stephen Curry, this guy everybody knows, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Michael Jordan, this mountain of a man, laboring up and down! Lack of consistency draining the energy!
Godzilla had the chances but couldn't convert. This guy everybody knows left wanting.
Godzilla sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Hulk winces. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
106-116 (L)
Hulk looks dialed in from the start! Natural-born leadership preparation showing!
LeBron James, this undisputed superstar, with a contested step-back three that misses from mid-range!
Hulk gets the ball stripped! The hidden truth would have stayed in a scientist's grip!
Stephen Curry bites on the pump fake! This guy everybody knows sent flying from mid-range!
Godzilla with another half-court heave! You can't stop this man!
Off to the locker room. Hulk has already drained two water bottles. Confession: Hulk believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Godzilla can't mask the disappointment! This top-tier talent wearing it on the sleeve!
Stephen Curry with a rough free throw from the right corner! Shaky emotions under pressure at the worst time!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Godzilla, this combo guard, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
This franchise guy Stephen Curry stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this franchise guy wanted.
LeBron James stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Michael Jordan exhales. Again. And again. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
97-109 (L)
LeBron James, this once-in-a-lifetime player, draws first blood! A buzzer beater to start!
Hulk can't find the range! Their lab notebook has better accuracy than that!
Michael Jordan with the errant pass! This all-time great needs to settle down!
This franchise cornerstone LeBron James caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Michael Jordan attacks on the low block and finishes with a double-clutch layup! Too good!
That's a cut. Michael Jordan stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Did you know? Michael Jordan once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
This top-tier talent Godzilla gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry muscles up a finger roll but can't get it to fall!
LeBron James, this all-time great, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a pull-up jumper!
Stephen Curry fires away but the legs won't cooperate! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
Stephen Curry sits alone on the bench. This elite player processing the defeat.
Godzilla scratches the back of his neck nervously. Hulk has the look of someone who has seen things. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
96-97 (L)
Michael Jordan, this walking skyscraper, takes the court! The roaring arena is electric!
LeBron James, this hall-of-fame lock, threads the needle for a bucket from mid-range!
This generational talent Michael Jordan can't recover! Scored on from way beyond the arc! Ego the size of Texas!
Hulk off the back iron! Hard miss, even a scientist cringes at that!
This certified bucket Godzilla with the three-point play! Comeback special at the buzzer!
Halftime. LeBron James throws his towel on the floor walking in. Small detail: LeBron James whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
LeBron James gets stripped at the jump ball! That's gonna be a costly turnover!
Godzilla, this bonafide star, yells at the coaching staff! Ego the size of Texas causing friction!
Tonight, Hulk isn't just a scientist, they're a phenomenon with their lab notebook!
Godzilla, this solid build, forces a bad shot in the third quarter! Lack of consistency!
This established star Stephen Curry tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Hulk collapses into the first available chair. Godzilla stays standing, eyes glazed over. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
82-120 (L)
Game time! Godzilla and this franchise guy ready to put on a show at the palace of hoops!
Michael Jordan dishes but it's well off! Tendency to rush under fatigue!
Stephen Curry with the backcourt violation! This established star under too much pressure!
LeBron James, this mammoth, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over injury-prone body!
This absolute legend LeBron James shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Halftime. Michael Jordan wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. The staff told me Michael Jordan sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Michael Jordan with the contested deep three at the buzzer! No good! Bad selection!
Michael Jordan crosses over but can't sustain the effort! Sometimes predictable game emptying the tank!
LeBron James coughs up the Spalding! Tendency to force bad shots strikes again driving to the hoop!
Hulk crosses over away from the huddle! This household name in a dark place mentally!
Michael Jordan walks off in silence. This generational talent gave it all but it wasn't enough.
LeBron James is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Hulk waits at the tunnel entrance. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
98-110 (L)
Hulk goes to work into position! This potential GOAT not wasting any time!
A half-court heave from LeBron James hits the iron! Occasional mental lapses under the spotlight!
Michael Jordan throws it into the stands! What was that from this undisputed superstar!
This basketball god Michael Jordan fouls reaching in! Limited stamina on defense!
LeBron James, this colossus, takes over in transition. A layup! That's elite!
Halftime! Stephen Curry looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Did you know? Stephen Curry tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
This established star Godzilla can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan whiffs on a devastating dunk! The crowd groans!
LeBron James reads the defense perfectly! Pure God-given talent and a sky-high basketball IQ!
This world-class player Stephen Curry can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
LeBron James, this all-time great, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Godzilla taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Hulk walks through the door without pushing it. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
98-118 (L)
Hulk steps onto the field house! From discoverring the hidden truth to this, game time!
Michael Jordan dishes but the shot rims out! Ego the size of Texas rears its ugly head!
LeBron James throws it away! Tendency to rush under pressure in the paint!
Michael Jordan lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this household name fooled!
Godzilla rises up the basketball with silky smooth technique. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Both teams head in. Godzilla has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. True story: Godzilla had his parking spot stolen by Boston Ring-Chasers's mascot. Still talks about it. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Stephen Curry storms to the bench! This top-tier talent is visibly upset!
Hulk misfires on the floater! Too much float, the scientist touch abandoned them!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Stephen Curry is visibly tired! This jersey-selling name needs a timeout badly!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, hangs the head. Tough loss despite night-in night-out consistency effort.
Hulk chews his nails on the bench. Godzilla stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
91-127 (L)
The game begins and LeBron James is ready! You can see freakish explosiveness written all over his face!
Godzilla, this all-around player, can't get a bucket to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Stephen Curry takes off into a trap! Tendency to rush when reading the defense!
Godzilla reacts too late to rotate! Shaky emotions under pressure on the help side!
Godzilla slams the rock in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Heading in. Hulk's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Anecdote: Hulk slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Off the mark for Hulk! Great scientist, not so great at basketball tonight!
This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Heavy feet taking its toll!
Stephen Curry with a wild pass that sails out! This franchise guy giving it away!
Godzilla, this tweener, sits down hard on the bench! Tendency to force bad shots written all over his face!
Michael Jordan, this mountain of a man, trudges off the field house. Lessons to take from this one.
Stephen Curry stares at the floor while Michael Jordan mutters something inaudible under his breath. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
77-122 (L)
Godzilla, this do-it-all player, announced to huge cheers! Immense pressure!
Michael Jordan, this towering presence, gets the look but can't convert in transition!
Hulk throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the scientist got too confident!
Hulk overcommits! Going all-in like a scientist on the hidden truth, but wrong!
Hulk drops the head after another miss! Lack of consistency sapping the confidence!
Time to breathe. Stephen Curry has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Little scoop: Stephen Curry collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. We're back! The players look fired up.
Stephen Curry attacks the basketball into nothing! Ego the size of Texas on full display tonight!
Michael Jordan is running on pure willpower! This undisputed superstar refusing to quit!
This jersey-selling name Godzilla gets pickpocketed under the basket! Sloppy handling!
LeBron James explodes the towel! This basketball god showing ego the size of Texas!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Hulk congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this once-in-a-lifetime player.
Hulk stares at the floor while LeBron James mutters something inaudible under his breath. I learned tonight that Hulk used to be a scientist. That explains the unique running style. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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