My dream soccer team — football_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break. The civil rights activist spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Christopher Columbus. That is exactly why he is out there. LOB from the explorer over the keeper! GOAL! In that position, when you have that ability to read the game and finish with that much CLASS, you are simply an ARTIST.

Rosa Parks unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Tom Brady makes a heart sign with his hands. Charlie Kirk finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Anne Frank strings together a series of step-overs and puts the defender on the floor. He is an artist. Anne Frank keeps it short to Pope Francis, no frills, just good football intelligence. Pope Francis drops it into space for Anne Frank, the kind of pass that looks simple but requires a reading of the game that is way above average.

Authoritative clearance from Rosa Parks in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. LeBron James triggers a change of flanks for Pope Francis, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Pope Francis accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! The cross from Pope Francis does not find a single teammate, the keeper claims it without fuss. Long kick from Charlie Kirk, Goku positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Inch-perfect tackle by Guy Fieri, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Lifesaving clearance from Guy Fieri! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Rosa Parks loses the header against the towering forward. The size difference told the story. HEAAAAADER from Pope Francis! He launches himself at the cross from Guy Fieri but it goes just over!

Charlie Kirk launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Anne Frank after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Anne Frank rolls it to Amelia Earhart, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Amelia Earhart gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Amelia Earhart winces. Charlie Kirk looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Despite the wages, LeBron James insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 42 and 206, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show The Apprentice Plumber! To win a call-out from a plumber within the same calendar year, text 4123 and answer: 'How many cups of tea must you offer a tradesperson before they start working?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Rosa Parks takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Diagonal from Goku to LeBron James, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. LeBron James slides it to Tom Brady, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. JUST WIIIIIDE from Christopher Columbus! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches. Charlie Kirk distributes short to Pope Francis, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

Short restart from the conspiracy theorist to Anne Frank, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Enormous anticipation from Anne Frank who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Sideways ball from Anne Frank to Tom Brady, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

Beautiful distribution from Charlie Kirk to Rosa Parks, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The civil rights activist switches the play to Tom Brady, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. The american football player rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great.

Textbook tackle from Rosa Parks there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. The civil rights activist shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Christopher Columbus. Pure quality, as per usual.

Shared match. Guy Fieri walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Rosa Parks does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. Wayne from Luton says a minimum of four cups of tea and at least one biscuit before any tools come out. Wayne wins the plumber call-out! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

Good ball from LeBron James to Goku, playing it quick between the lines. The farmer hits the post! In that position, that kind of strike proves how dangerous he is, the goal will come. GOOOAL from the diarist at point-blank range! In that position, knowing how to be RIGHT on the penalty spot at the right moment is what makes you indispensable.

The attacker tries to sprint past but Pope Francis grabs the waistband, foul! The chemist finally sees yellow after foul upon foul. Should know better at that position. Pope Francis tries his luck from the free kick but it is well wide. Sunday league stuff.

Disaster! México No-Era-Penal score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Bonnie Blue slips Anne Frank in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Superb diagonal from the tv host to LeBron James, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

Rosa Parks reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Rosa Parks was quicker. Enormous clearance from Rosa Parks inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Clearance from the conspiracy theorist towards Tom Brady, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Tom Brady hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Bonnie Blue. And you, Pope Francis. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. We can confirm that Rosa Parks owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 180, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2024 and answer this question: 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Amelia Earhart knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Corner from Anne Frank, it is a whipped delivery but a defender intervenes and clears. Amelia Earhart reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality.

The cook launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. The civil rights activist lays it off first time to Anne Frank, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Anne Frank drills a low ball back for Christopher Columbus, the kind of delivery that keepers absolutely dread. NOOOOO the explorer fluffs it in front of an empty net! LeBron James had done everything. In that role, you simply cannot miss those.

Bonnie Blue uses Amelia Earhart as a wall, the ball pings back like off a squash court wall. Timing is everything. Nutmeg from Bonnie Blue on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. Quick one-two between Bonnie Blue and Amelia Earhart, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Amelia Earhart hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace.

Pope Francis shoots but it's deflected by the defender who threw himself in like a hero. The corner from Anne Frank is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in. Emergency clearance from the american football player, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

Christopher Columbus gives it to Anne Frank, sprints, asks for it back, and gets it. The classic one-two but absolutely lethal. Linesman's flag is up immediately. Christopher Columbus was a good metre off on Guy Fieri's pass. The conspiracy theorist finds Bonnie Blue with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Bonnie Blue gives it to Rosa Parks into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. The civil rights activist takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon.

They're turning the screw here, wave after wave of attack. LeBron James looks up and swings in a floated cross, Rosa Parks rises among the defenders. What a mess after Rosa Parks's corner! The keeper flaps, the ball drops, a defender scrambles it away! Goku hits it first time but the defender reads the trajectory and blocks. Smart defending.

1-1. Charlie Kirk and Bonnie Blue are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Charlie Kirk. "Next time," replies Bonnie Blue. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?'. The answer was of course 147 centimetres, slightly shorter than a Wednesday. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

The basketball player lobs the entire defence with a chipped cross for Amelia Earhart. That kind of technique is the hallmark of the very best. Oh my word the OVERHEAD from Amelia Earhart! The cross from LeBron James arrives, he throws himself into a full rotation and FIRES the ball into the back of the net! GOAL! That is the kind of finish you see ONCE in a lifetime!

LeBron James finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Pope Francis plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Decisive interception from the tv host, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. OOH the OUTRAGEOUS strike from Bonnie Blue! From over 25 yards out he beats the keeper, the goal is SUMPTUOUS!

Bonnie Blue and Rosa Parks do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Charlie Kirk arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

GOAL! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Charlie Kirk unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Guy Fieri makes a heart sign with his hands. Charlie Kirk finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Pope Francis puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Guy Fieri is there to finish. Oh no Guy Fieri! Header in the six-yard box but it goes over! The cross from Christopher Columbus deserved better. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Crossfield pass from Christopher Columbus to Pope Francis, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet.

Decisive glance from Rosa Parks who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Brilliant switch of play from Rosa Parks! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Guy Fieri. The opponent beats Guy Fieri to the near post and wins the header. Guy Fieri was caught on his heels. The conspiracy theorist produces a monster save! In that position, a save like that is worth a goal. He is the last line and he has held firm.

Tactical debate in the corner. Pope Francis wants to push higher. Charlie Kirk reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Charlie Kirk, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Anne Frank reportedly cannot fall asleep without listening to the Shipping Forecast on Radio 4. The 97-year-old claims Viking, North Utsire brings inner peace — teammates call it absolutely mental. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 3355 and answer this question: 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Goku does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Raking ball from the explorer to Tom Brady, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Absolutely immense from Tom Brady! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Short pass from the american football player to Guy Fieri, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Heroic low block, every single player at his post. The conspiracy theorist gathers the ball in his zone. In that position, knowing how to come out and claim a cross is as valuable as a reflex save. Charlie Kirk fires it out quickly by hand to Bonnie Blue, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Bonnie Blue changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Christopher Columbus. The defence is caught completely flat-footed.

GOAAAL for Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Charlie Kirk points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Rosa Parks comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Christopher Columbus slides in and completely misses the ball, the attacker strolls away with possession. Charlie Kirk parries as best he can, but it is in the middle and the attacker is charging in! LeBron James clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

LeBron James feeds Rosa Parks in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Massive diagonal from Rosa Parks! Anne Frank receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Good cross from the diarist for Goku in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. The cross from the farmer ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position.

The conspiracy theorist throws it out to Goku, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Aerial duel won by the farmer, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. The farmer finds Guy Fieri along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Guy Fieri turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Goku. The defence did not even have time to blink.

Rosa Parks plays it simple to Bonnie Blue, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Firm pass from Bonnie Blue into Anne Frank, right into the boots. No waste. Smooth transition from Anne Frank to Amelia Earhart, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Full time and it's level. Guy Fieri stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Rosa Parks grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?'. The answer was of course Solanum Disappointicus, first classified by a weeping botanist in Grimsby. Ethel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-2 (L)

Tom Brady to Goku, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Goku puts everything into it and it crashes off the bar! The metallic thud says it all. No goal. Christopher Columbus does the STRIKER'S JOB! On the perfect pass from Goku, he prods it in at point-blank range. GOAL!

Tom Brady fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Charlie Kirk plays the medic running in. Charlie Kirk plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script. Lay-off from Goku to Rosa Parks, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. The civil rights activist misplaces his pass to Tom Brady, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment.

Elastico from Tom Brady, the ball goes right then snaps back left in an instant. The defender is lost. No luck for Tom Brady, the dribble does not come off, the defender anticipates and steals the ball. Foul by the cook, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. The cook puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games.

Dangerous delivery from the basketball player on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Goku delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Christopher Columbus shoots but the defender gets his body in at just the right moment. Shot neutralised, defence breathes again. Goku hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job!

Charlie Kirk finds Rosa Parks with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. The civil rights activist butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. High recovery from Amelia Earhart, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming.

The dressing room feels like a funeral parlour. Grey faces, hollow eyes, shoulders slumped. Charlie Kirk has not moved since sitting down. Christopher Columbus is muttering to {himself} in the corner. The gaffer lets the weight of the scoreline crush them for a full minute before speaking: "Are you done feeling sorry for yourselves? Good. Because I am not done with this match." Teammates say Bonnie Blue has an uncanny ability to find the nearest Greggs within thirty seconds of arriving in any city. It's like a sixth sense. At 163, he's essentially a sausage-roll-seeking missile in football boots. And now, our TV game show Strictly Come Complaining! To win a strongly-worded letter template, text 3789 and answer: 'What is the correct way to complain about a lukewarm cup of tea in a cafe?' And they are off! Pope Francis touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Christopher Columbus charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. Failed lob from Christopher Columbus! He tried to be clever but the keeper retreats comfortably and plucks it out of the air. Charlie Kirk distributes by hand to Rosa Parks on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

The conspiracy theorist goes long for Christopher Columbus, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Aerial duel lost by Christopher Columbus, he is beaten to the punch by the attacker. The ball flies over his head. OHHH LeBron James rises and heads it just wide! That was so close!

The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. WIIIIIDE! Goku put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal. Quick throw from Charlie Kirk to Guy Fieri out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. One touch football: Guy Fieri to Anne Frank, faster than the opposition can think.

Nightmare! Dakar Teranga FC score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Charlie Kirk fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Bonnie Blue plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

The board goes up, extra minutes to play. The stadium is buzzing. The cook plays it simple to Amelia Earhart, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The press from Amelia Earhart pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Amelia Earhart pounces. A forced gift.

Oh no, Dakar Teranga FC have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Charlie Kirk, arms out like an aeroplane. LeBron James follows in like he's skiing. Charlie Kirk arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. LeBron James sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Pope Francis. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Pinpoint delivery from the chemist towards Guy Fieri, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. What a claim from Charlie Kirk! He gathers the ball in both hands above the heads of the attackers. Beautiful.

Pope Francis sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Tom Brady reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Tom Brady. Pope Francis almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. Gerald from Bath says you simply tut loudly, stir aggressively, and leave a passive-aggressive TripAdvisor review. The letter template is his! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Douala Makossa-Corner make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Charlie Kirk dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Anne Frank can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Charlie Kirk claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Anne Frank picks out Guy Fieri with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Guy Fieri slides the ball across the ground in the box, Pope Francis arrives for the finish. Pope Francis takes his bearings and STRIIIIKES! It is placed, it is on target, IT IS IIIIN!

Anne Frank does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. LeBron James launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Charlie Kirk arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The conspiracy theorist finds Pope Francis with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Pope Francis links up with LeBron James, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. LeBron James spreads it to Amelia Earhart, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Amelia Earhart launches it to Bonnie Blue on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

Amelia Earhart thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake.

The basketball player gets to the byline and floats one in for Christopher Columbus. Crossing is his bread and butter. Christopher Columbus hits the volley off Anne Frank's cross, flies over but what courage to even attempt that! Monster clearance from Charlie Kirk, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Anne Frank.

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Christopher Columbus's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Christopher Columbus takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. A wonderful anecdote — Tom Brady once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 49 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 9911 and answer this question: 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?' The second period begins and Guy Fieri launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Lovely corner from the basketball player but the header ends up wide. In that position, when you put the ball in the right area and it does not go in, the finishers need to look at themselves. Massive clearance from the farmer under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Great vision from Guy Fieri who switches to Rosa Parks. The defence pivots, but they are too late.

A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. The lads smell blood, they're pouring forward in numbers. Ball in behind from the explorer, Anne Frank is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Anne Frank explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening.

They've scored again! Douala Makossa-Corner are running riot and we can't cope.

Charlie Kirk runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Rosa Parks joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Good ball from the explorer to Pope Francis, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. The chemist plays it simple to Rosa Parks, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The civil rights activist reads the movement before anyone else and puts Guy Fieri into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. Guy Fieri is flagged offside, frustrating for Amelia Earhart who played a lovely ball through.

The chemist bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match. Pope Francis tries to buy a free kick with a dramatic fall. The referee sees straight through it. Into the book goes Pope Francis for simulation, you love to see cheats get punished. Pope Francis tries to go over the wall with the free kick but it hits it. Poorly calibrated. The corner from LeBron James is immediately cleared at the near post, the defence is alert.

Free kick crossed in by the chemist into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. Goku connects with his forehead but it sails into the sky. The technique was there, the aim was not. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Rosa Parks to Goku, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Rosa Parks drops a lofted ball to Guy Fieri, it sails over the entire midfield line. The cook accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Rosa Parks stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Christopher Columbus walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Douala Makossa-Corner are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?'. The answer was of course up to nine, though anything past six risks structural sigh failure. Nigel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Clean lay-off from the diarist to Bonnie Blue into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. What CLASS from Bonnie Blue! He places his shot with diabolical precision, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

Anne Frank dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Brilliant interception from Guy Fieri, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. BOOOM the chemist rocks the net! In that position, when you draw a strike like that, the whole stadium is on its feet. GOAL!

Guy Fieri fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Tom Brady plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

GOAAAL for Lagos No-Carry-Last! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Charlie Kirk falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Bonnie Blue arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. The women's rights activist fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. Booking for Amelia Earhart, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Free kick blocked! Amelia Earhart struck it well but the wall held firm. Clearance from the conspiracy theorist towards Goku, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Tom Brady arrives at pace on the corner from Anne Frank, header at the near post but it is too wide. Charlie Kirk goes long for Pope Francis, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Pope Francis looks for Guy Fieri but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in. High recovery from Rosa Parks, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Rosa Parks curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save!

Charlie Kirk is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Charlie Kirk: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." A former teammate has revealed that LeBron James once refused to come out for the second half because his lucky socks had a hole in them. The kitman had to stitch them up at halftime. At 206, you'd think he'd have bigger concerns, but apparently not. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 6161 and answer this question: 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?' And we are back underway! Goku jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

SHOOOOT from the farmer! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure. The ref is at the monitor, watching the replay over and over. The suspense is killing everyone. VAR correction in favour of the farmer! What a relief for a player in that role — justice is served. PUSHED AWAY! Bonnie Blue's penalty is saved by the keeper who dives the right way. What a moment! Charlie Kirk hoofs it forward towards Anne Frank, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

The tempo has shot through the roof, the opposition can't cope. Pope Francis crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Anne Frank is there to meet it. What a situation from Anne Frank's corner! It's a right old scrap in the box, the defense survives! Tom Brady shoots but it's deflected at the last moment by the defender who stuck his head in! What courage.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat. Christopher Columbus slides a beauty through the gap, Tom Brady is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Tom Brady unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. Massive punt from Charlie Kirk, sends the ball sixty yards, Amelia Earhart is scrapping for it up top.

Amelia Earhart launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Rosa Parks beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Rosa Parks finds Christopher Columbus between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

The crowd is singing its lungs out, giving the attackers wings. Shot from Goku, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show.

Lovely use of the ball by Rosa Parks, finding LeBron James in a tight pocket of space. Quality. LeBron James gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, Amelia Earhart is there to meet it. SHOOOOOOT from Amelia Earhart! It's whistling towards goal but the keeper beats it away. Strong hands!

Perfect parity. Charlie Kirk slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Rosa Parks watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?'. The answer was of course a fried egg and half a sausage, obviously. Trevor wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-2 (L)

Rosa Parks intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Anne Frank unleashes a HOWITZER on the cross from Goku! The ball rips the net, GOOOAL!

They've scored! Barranquilla Toque-Toque find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Charlie Kirk unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. LeBron James makes a heart sign with his hands. Charlie Kirk finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Lovely anticipation from the civil rights activist who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere.

Pope Francis shifts it to Tom Brady with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Tom Brady uses Guy Fieri as a wall, the return is instant, Tom Brady carries on into space. Crystal clear. Offside against Tom Brady. Guy Fieri spotted the run but the timing was just off. Charlie Kirk rolls it short to Pope Francis into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Clinical interception from Pope Francis, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so.

Rosa Parks intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. The civil rights activist lays it off first time to Pope Francis, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The chemist beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill. Pope Francis puts the ball right into the mixer, Christopher Columbus arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. OHHH the header from the explorer goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision.

The boss is so angry he has gone quiet. That is when you know it is really bad. He speaks barely above a whisper: "In twenty years of management, I have never been so embarrassed. Never. Anne Frank, you were a ghost out there. The rest of you were not much better." Every word lands like a hammer. A peculiar superstition from Tom Brady — he has to tap the crossbar three times and whisper 'come on then' before every match. Nobody knows who he's talking to. The kitman thinks it's the ghost of a Victorian goalkeeper. He's been doing it since he was seventeen. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Guy Fieri takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Tidy restart from Charlie Kirk along the deck to LeBron James, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. LeBron James puts it right into the feet of Amelia Earhart, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Amelia Earhart delivers a tidy ball to Pope Francis, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. The chemist roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Pope Francis crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Christopher Columbus is in the right place.

A team possessed now, everything is clicking into place. Christopher Columbus fires but a defender dives in and blocks the shot! The human wall holds firm. The cross from Amelia Earhart is intercepted at the near post, the defender has done the hard yards. The american football player hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

The explorer sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. Christopher Columbus loses the ball on the dribble, too greedy in that situation. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score right on the stroke of half-time.

Charlie Kirk mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Christopher Columbus plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Charlie Kirk applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. The chemist opens up to Goku on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Great overlap from Goku down the flank, pinpoint cross for Guy Fieri in the area. This is the moment. Aerial claim from the conspiracy theorist, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. LeBron James powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. LeBron James lobs the defence with a silky chipped cross, Christopher Columbus brings it down on his chest. Magnificent. Charlie Kirk plucks the cross like a proper keeper. No frills, just pure efficiency. The keeper is calm. Charlie Kirk sparks the transition with a quick throw to Bonnie Blue, the break is lightning fast.

Quick exchange between Goku and Anne Frank, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. The diarist cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Tom Brady. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Tom Brady is called offside but it's marginal at best! Goku is absolutely livid. Charlie Kirk takes his time and plays it short to Anne Frank. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. The diarist produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless.

It's over and Barranquilla Toque-Toque take the points. Bonnie Blue shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Amelia Earhart walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-2 (L)

Pope Francis sends a lobbed cross over the defenders, Anne Frank arrives at full tilt in behind. GOOOOAL! Acrobatic overhead kick from Anne Frank on the cross from Christopher Columbus, that is the goal of the YEAR! The ball flies into the top corner, the stadium is on its FEET!

Pope Francis mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Guy Fieri raises Pope Francis's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Charlie Kirk plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Little shift from Amelia Earhart to Pope Francis, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Perfect cut-back from Pope Francis, Anne Frank receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. GOOOOOAL signed by the diarist! Placed shot, ball in the bottom corner. In that position, that kind of finish is what justifies the wages.

Rehearsed move all week: Amelia Earhart and Guy Fieri stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Charlie Kirk plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

The explorer goes for the tackle and misses the lot. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Bad parry from Charlie Kirk, smack into the middle! The attacker thought he had a tap-in. The farmer boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Guy Fieri steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Through ball from the farmer for Guy Fieri, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite.

Bonnie Blue clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Huge interception from Guy Fieri! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Guy Fieri boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Amelia Earhart, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Amelia Earhart takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Charlie Kirk sparked a full dressing room meltdown by declaring custard creams superior to bourbons. At 33, the 180-tall midfielder stood firm while chaos erupted — the manager had to intervene with a tin of Foxes assortment. And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' Rosa Parks spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Oh that's poor! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Charlie Kirk runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Pope Francis gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

A tug on the shirt from Pope Francis, the opponent can't get away. Free kick. Free kick blocked for the chemist! In that position, when the wall stands firm, it's ROUTINE in football, you have to keep the faith. Awful corner from Pope Francis, goes out without even bouncing in the box.

Holding foul by the tv host, grabs the attacker by the arm. Free kick. Booking for the tv host, too many fouls stacking up. That role demands discipline. Bonnie Blue puts too much welly on the free kick, the ball flies over without troubling the keeper.

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Pitch-length run from the american football player, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. The american football player wipes out the attacker with a horror challenge. Playing in that role demands composure, not carnage. Tom Brady is cautioned, boot up at head height trying to control the ball. Can't do that. Tom Brady plays the free kick short to Anne Frank, clever little combination to catch the defence off guard.

Oh no, Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Tom Brady presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Pope Francis charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible.

Anne Frank plays the corner back to Goku, they take care to keep possession. Rapid combination: Goku to Amelia Earhart, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Amelia Earhart tries from distance and CRAAACKS it! On target but the keeper pushes it aside. Unlucky.

Points shared. Charlie Kirk sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Bonnie Blue crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

PENALTY for Amelia Earhart! The defender TACKLES him in the box, the referee blows without hesitation. The player gets up, the pressure is on his SHOULDERS now. Amelia Earhart's penalty clatters the crossbar and bounces back! That is a nightmare. OOOOH the tap-in from Tom Brady! On the loose ball, he was 6 yards out, he pokes it in. GOAL!

Amelia Earhart runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Guy Fieri gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Charlie Kirk plays out from the back with Anne Frank, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Anne Frank switches the play to Bonnie Blue on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Huge aerial duel won by Bonnie Blue, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane. Bonnie Blue absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Amelia Earhart anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Amelia Earhart threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Guy Fieri bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Acceleration from Guy Fieri down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. The cook bends the ball into the box for Anne Frank. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. Ball plucked out of the air by Charlie Kirk, total composure.

The tv host switches the play to Guy Fieri, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Attempted pass from Guy Fieri to Tom Brady, but it is way too firm, flies out for a throw-in on the far side. Superb tackle from the women's rights activist, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Amelia Earhart rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Pope Francis. The far side is completely deserted. Good run from Pope Francis who crosses to the near post for LeBron James. The defender is beaten to it.

Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something. LeBron James tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Short build-up from Rosa Parks to Pope Francis, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. The chemist finds LeBron James along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Bonnie Blue sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Rosa Parks sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Bonnie Blue nods but does not look up. Rosa Parks's car broke down on the M25 twenty minutes before a cup final, and the 113-year-old hitchhiked with a plumber called Keith from Watford. Both made it in time — Keith got a free programme. And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' And the second half is go! Charlie Kirk charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Guy Fieri lays it off first time to Amelia Earhart, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Amelia Earhart brings the opponent down with a cynical challenge. Nothing malicious, just effective. The women's rights activist picks up a yellow for persistent fouling. In that position, accumulating cards is a liability.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Rosa Parks. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Rosa Parks sets it for Amelia Earhart, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Amelia Earhart opens up to Bonnie Blue on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

Wing switch from Bonnie Blue, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Christopher Columbus brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Christopher Columbus winds up and shoots, but the defender throws himself down and takes the ball in the stomach. Brave stuff.

They've scored! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Charlie Kirk is at the centre, lifted up by Guy Fieri and Charlie Kirk, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

The basketball player whips in a classic cross for Goku in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Header from the farmer, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there. The basketball player launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

1-1. Tom Brady and Charlie Kirk are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Tom Brady. "Next time," replies Charlie Kirk. And they vanish into the tunnel. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-2 (L)

Interception from Rosa Parks who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Rosa Parks. Incredible solo charge from the civil rights activist, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition. GOOOAL from the civil rights activist! World class placed finish! In that position, knowing how to find the bottom corner like that is what makes the great players.

Rosa Parks spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Guy Fieri gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

What a ball from Guy Fieri! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Tom Brady is away on his own. That is velvet. The american football player aims with surgical precision on the pass from Christopher Columbus! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

Guy Fieri mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Charlie Kirk raises Guy Fieri's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Charlie Kirk plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Oh it's gone in! Rio Malandro FC find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Charlie Kirk rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Tom Brady jumps on his back, Charlie Kirk is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Tremendous work from Tom Brady who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. Tom Brady takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. Oh my word Tom Brady fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze.

Rosa Parks rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Amelia Earhart glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Charlie Kirk once tried to negotiate a personal sponsorship deal with a local car wash and was politely told the 33-year-old didn't have 'the right brand synergy.' The car wash later went bust — karma, some say. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' LeBron James leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Charlie Kirk in the box, diving head first into a sea of defenders. The explorer heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on. Charlie Kirk lumps it long towards Goku, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

Wall pass between the civil rights activist and Bonnie Blue, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. Rosa Parks anticipates the run from Guy Fieri and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Guy Fieri drifts just offside as Tom Brady plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! Charlie Kirk throws it out quickly to LeBron James, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. The basketball player dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces.

The press is suffocating, the opposition can't play out cleanly at all! Christopher Columbus sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery. LOOONG range effort from Christopher Columbus! It's heading goalward but the keeper is alert. Corner.

The explorer strings together skill moves and humiliates the defender. It is rare to see that much flair in that position. Christopher Columbus plays the simple ball to Rosa Parks, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Rosa Parks curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close! The conspiracy theorist goes long for Christopher Columbus, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

Guy Fieri throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. The cook finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Rosa Parks clean through. Pure genius from that position. The conspiracy theorist narrows the angle and gathers at the feet. In that position, that courage and reading of the game wins you matches. Charlie Kirk catapults the ball towards Goku from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. With one swing of the boot, Goku finds Bonnie Blue on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

Change of flanks from Goku, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Amelia Earhart. Amelia Earhart springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference. Amelia Earhart clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Header lost for Guy Fieri, his opponent beat him to it and won the duel with authority.

Crucial intervention from the civil rights activist, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Powerful run from Christopher Columbus down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there.

Level score. Christopher Columbus screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Bonnie Blue boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-1 (L)

LeBron James dinks his cross over the defensive curtain for Bonnie Blue, the kind of delivery that brings the crowd to its feet. GOAL! Bonnie Blue has just scored an INSANE overhead kick on the cross from Tom Brady! Both feet in the air, head down, and the ball smashes into the top corner! That is HISTORIC, we will talk about this for YEARS!

Charlie Kirk plays it along the ground to Tom Brady, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Tom Brady tries to open it up for Goku but the timing is miles off. Possession lost.

What a disaster! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Charlie Kirk points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Anne Frank comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Christopher Columbus tries one trick too many and loses the ball cheaply. The defender barely had to try. OHHH the fingertip save from Charlie Kirk! He grazed the ball with his fingertips to flick it for a corner! The corner from the tv host was spot on but the header goes over. In that position, you do your job with the delivery, the attackers need to finish.

Pope Francis gives it to LeBron James into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Raking ball from the basketball player to Goku, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Good cross from the farmer for Amelia Earhart in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Aimless cross from Amelia Earhart, not for LeBron James, not for anyone. That is a waste.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Rosa Parks stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." Club physios had to confiscate Anne Frank's PlayStation after the 97-year-old stayed up until 4am playing FIFA and turned up to training in his slippers. At 180, he was sleepwalking through drills. And now, our TV game show I'm a Celebrity Get Me a Cuppa! To win a flask of lukewarm tea and a rain mac, text 0800BREW and answer: 'How many sugars is too many sugars in a proper British cuppa?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Christopher Columbus wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

LeBron James grabs a handful of the attacker's shirt and won't let go! LeBron James picks up a yellow for fouling the attacker on the transition. Dark arts of defending. LeBron James floats his free kick into the area, Christopher Columbus is there for the header. Christopher Columbus gets his head on it but it lacks precision, drifting just left of the post. Charlie Kirk opts for the short option to LeBron James, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

The keeper stays focused, knowing something has to give. WHAT A SHAME for Pope Francis! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken.

The cook reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Guy Fieri launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Goku, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Ferocious press from Anne Frank! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Anne Frank slides it to Bonnie Blue, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Raking ball from the cook to Pope Francis, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Pope Francis with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Pope Francis plays it simple to Bonnie Blue, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Bonnie Blue reads the movement from Rosa Parks and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. Rosa Parks is given offside by the width of a bootlace, LeBron James is shaking his head.

Anne Frank whips the ball into the box from the free kick, LeBron James throws himself at it for a header. Magnificent leap from LeBron James who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. LeBron James rises and smashes his header... but it goes over. Just a touch too much power. Big clearance from Christopher Columbus under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Bonnie Blue swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Pope Francis, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision.

Draw. Amelia Earhart sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Charlie Kirk waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. Deirdre from Blackpool says three sugars and after that you're basically drinking syrup. Flask of tea and rain mac for Deirdre! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. The civil rights activist shifts Pope Francis into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. What a GOAL from Pope Francis! On the cross from Christopher Columbus, he curls his shot and the ball dies in the bottom corner.

Royal interception from Amelia Earhart! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. The women's rights activist lays it off first time to Bonnie Blue, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Bonnie Blue spots Goku in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Good ball from the farmer to Bonnie Blue, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Amelia Earhart boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Charlie Kirk sends an absolute rocket towards Goku, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Goku goes crossfield to Bonnie Blue, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Bonnie Blue floats it into the gap for LeBron James, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot. OHHH LeBron James unleashes an absolute thunderbolt! On target but the keeper pulls off a stunner!

Oh no, it's in! Milano Piano-Piano punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Charlie Kirk mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Anne Frank raises Charlie Kirk's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Charlie Kirk plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Into injury time we go, every second counts from here on in. Pope Francis sets it for Goku, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Raking ball from the farmer to Guy Fieri, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Guy Fieri sends in a curling delivery, Christopher Columbus peels off the back of his marker and finds space.

The gaffer grabs a marker and circles a spot on the tactics board: "This space here. Between their centre-back and full-back. That is where we win this match." He turns to Amelia Earhart: "You find that pocket, you receive, you go. No messing about. Christopher Columbus, you make the run to drag the defender." Nods all round. Christopher Columbus's car broke down on the M25 twenty minutes before a cup final, and the 575-year-old hitchhiked with a plumber called Keith from Watford. Both made it in time — Keith got a free programme. And now, our TV game show Ready Steady Can't Cook! To win an M&S dine-in-for-two deal, text 0800DINE and answer: 'How many times can you reheat a shepherd's pie before it becomes a health hazard?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Charlie Kirk sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Bonnie Blue to Pope Francis, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Pass into space from Pope Francis for Bonnie Blue, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. Burst of speed from the tv host down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Sneaky shirt pull from Bonnie Blue but the ref is having none of it!

Ball into space from the civil rights activist for LeBron James, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. SCENES! LeBron James scores from Tom Brady's cross... but no! The flag is up, offside! What a letdown! Short restart from Charlie Kirk to Tom Brady, building from the back nice and tidy.

What a tackle by Rosa Parks! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Rosa Parks strings together a series of dribbles and covers fifty yards on his own. The crowd is on its feet.

LeBron James sends an aerial beauty to Bonnie Blue, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Devastating burst of pace from Bonnie Blue, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Bonnie Blue plays it simple to LeBron James, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Good ball from the basketball player to Rosa Parks, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. The civil rights activist plays the one-two with Anne Frank and finds himself through. When you have got that understanding on the pitch, you cause havoc.

Corner from Anne Frank, drops short, it's a scrap in there! A defender heads it away in desperation! Monster clearance from LeBron James! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Aerial duel lost by the basketball player, outmuscled by the attacker. It happens to the best, but in that role you need to bounce back fast.

The gaffer is out of his technical area, demanding one last effort. Charlie Kirk, the conspiracy theorist, is up for the corner! Goal is wide open behind him. Rosa Parks wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Rosa Parks finds LeBron James between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

Honours even. Pope Francis finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Guy Fieri walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. Pamela from Solihull says twice is the legal limit and after that you're playing Russian roulette with leftovers. M&S dine-in deal for Pamela! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

Oh dear, Sevilla Olé-Olé have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Charlie Kirk ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. LeBron James leaps over him. Charlie Kirk walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Guy Fieri dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOOAL for Goku! BLISTERING 20-yard rocket, the keeper did not even see the ball leave!

Raw emotion: Guy Fieri cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Charlie Kirk crouches beside him and speaks softly. Charlie Kirk jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

And there it is, Sevilla Olé-Olé score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Rosa Parks hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Enormous leap from the chemist who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. The chemist overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Sideways ball from Pope Francis to Guy Fieri, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

You can feel the stadium rising, the goal feels like it's coming. The strike from Pope Francis is blocked by a heroic defender who throws his whole body in the way. Cross from Pope Francis intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Pope Francis boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Bonnie Blue's eyes are bloodshot. Rosa Parks looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." Back on the estate, Anne Frank is still remembered as the kid who kicked a ball through Mrs Henderson's greenhouse in 2014. Now 97 and standing 180, the lad still legs it when he sees her at Asda. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 2244 and answer this question: 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?' Charlie Kirk trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

The diarist does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. Body feint from the diarist, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. The diarist has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy.

The cook slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. The cook lays it off first time to Rosa Parks, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Monumental ball from Rosa Parks to Tom Brady, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

The referee grants extra minutes, both teams digging into their last reserves. Guy Fieri links up with Goku, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. High recovery from Goku! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off.

Long ball from Charlie Kirk for Pope Francis who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. The chemist finds Christopher Columbus along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Nutmeg from the explorer on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role.

Perfectly executed challenge by Amelia Earhart, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Instinctive clearance from Amelia Earhart who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. The opponent gets the better of the tv host in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak. Charlie Kirk gathers the cross with both hands above the scrum. The keeper is the supreme authority in his box. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Through ball from the chemist for Amelia Earhart, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. That's been flagged. Amelia Earhart was in an offside position when Tom Brady played it through.

The farmer lays it off first time to Pope Francis, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Pope Francis wraps an arm around the opponent to slow him down. Referee has seen it.

Defeat and the dressing room feels like a dentist's waiting room. Charlie Kirk stares at his boots like they've personally betrayed him. Pope Francis peels off his tape slowly, methodically. The gaffer says five words: "We'll fix it in training." Everyone believes him. Sort of. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?'. The answer was of course 27 million, and that number doubles during any form of national crisis or EastEnders cliffhanger. Norman wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-3 (L)

It was bound to happen. München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score and honestly, we deserved that.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Charlie Kirk, arms out like an aeroplane. Rosa Parks follows in like he's skiing. Charlie Kirk arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Tom Brady pulls out an elastico from nowhere, the defender is bamboozled. That is showtime. GOOOOAL! Tom Brady did it all on his own, he beats three defenders before finishing!

Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. GOAL! The american football player chips the ball over the keeper! In that position, that audacity and composure is what sets you apart from the rest. SUMPTUOUS lob, that is WORLD CLASS!

The explorer lets fly and it's on target! Keeper pushes it for a corner. In that position, having the courage to pull the trigger is what sets you apart. Play is cut, VAR is doing its job. Everyone's nerves are absolutely shredded. The penalty is given! Christopher Columbus was brought down fair and square! Goku strikes and the keeper saves it! The stopper made the right choice, he stayed patient. Charlie Kirk smashes a volley towards Rosa Parks, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

It's a goal for München Ordnung-Muss-Sein! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer points at Charlie Kirk: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Charlie Kirk clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. A gorgeous bit of intel — Guy Fieri once entered a pub quiz in Wolverhampton under the team name 'Definitely Not A Footballer.' Won the whole thing. Prize was a meat raffle and a crate of Carling. At 58, that's what peak performance looks like. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1515 and answer this question: 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?' And the second half is go! Christopher Columbus charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

LeBron James delivers an inswinging free kick, Tom Brady at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Tom Brady outjumps everyone for this header but it does not find the target. Wide. Driven kick from Charlie Kirk to Amelia Earhart, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield.

They're all over them like a rash, no time on the ball whatsoever. The explorer presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. Ball over the top from Christopher Columbus, Guy Fieri had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. Guy Fieri winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

What a block! Bonnie Blue slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. LeBron James gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. LeBron James plays the simple ball to Christopher Columbus, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Christopher Columbus puts the ball right into the path of Tom Brady, played to the inch, the space is found.

Goku catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. OHHH Goku strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! 70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that.

They've done it! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Good ball from the farmer to Bonnie Blue, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Bonnie Blue sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Failed dribble from Bonnie Blue, the ball stays at the defender's feet. Poor decision. What positioning from Pope Francis! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Massive clearance from Pope Francis in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Charlie Kirk boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Christopher Columbus! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Christopher Columbus attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious. Massive clearance from the chemist under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

The explorer starts a one-two with Tom Brady, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class. Christopher Columbus squares it back for Goku, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in. Charlie Kirk stretches every inch and pushes the shot away. Iron hand, wasp-like reflexes. Charlie Kirk plays it short to Amelia Earhart, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Amelia Earhart tries to pick out Tom Brady on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed.

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Anne Frank shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Rosa Parks is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?'. The answer was of course the 1960s, when the Royal Navy briefly commissioned HMS Brown Sauce. Norman wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-2 (L)

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. OHHH Goku sniffed it out! On the keeper's parry, he pokes it in with a perfect opportunist's finish!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Goku is at the centre, lifted up by Guy Fieri and Charlie Kirk, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

They've nicked a goal! London Three-Pints catch us cold on the break.

Charlie Kirk stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. LeBron James comes over and hugs him without a word.

The chemist gets to the byline and floats one in for Bonnie Blue. Crossing is his bread and butter. Bonnie Blue tries the half-volley off Guy Fieri's delivery, it flies but it's over. Not far though. Short distribution from Charlie Kirk to Amelia Earhart, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

The cook reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Guy Fieri boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. The tv host loses his aerial duel, the opponent beat him in the air. In that position, losing a header can be very costly. The american football player misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in.

It's a goal! London Three-Pints go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

'I told you so' mode. Charlie Kirk eyeballs the London Three-Pints bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Bonnie Blue pulls Charlie Kirk away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Christopher Columbus, you have barely touched the ball. Bonnie Blue, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Dietitians have given up on Charlie Kirk, who eats a chip butty with gravy before every home game. At 33 years old, the Northerner insists it's 'proper fuel' and the nutritional data 'doesn't apply up here.' And now, our TV game show The Apprentice Plumber! To win a call-out from a plumber within the same calendar year, text 4123 and answer: 'How many cups of tea must you offer a tradesperson before they start working?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. LeBron James sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Corner from Anne Frank, the defence heads it clear, the ball is punted well away from the box. Massive clearance from the farmer under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Guy Fieri to Anne Frank, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The diarist beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill.

Anne Frank looks up and launches a long pass towards Bonnie Blue. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. The tv host gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. The women's rights activist wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice. Amelia Earhart keeps it short to Rosa Parks, no frills, just good football intelligence. Rosa Parks skins the defender with a quick shimmy, the opponent will not see the ball again.

The final minutes are breathless, everyone is pushing for an equaliser. WHAT A HEADER from Christopher Columbus! It fliiiiies... but it goes wide. The post was shaking. The conspiracy theorist throws it out to Christopher Columbus, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

It's all going one way, the pressure is relentless. High recovery from the explorer who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description.

Guy Fieri heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Pope Francis sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Superb diagonal from the cook to Tom Brady, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. The american football player wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. The american football player finds Bonnie Blue along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Rapid combination Bonnie Blue-Amelia Earhart, the one-two rips through the midfield. That is snooker.

The cook launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. The basketball player is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. Charlie Kirk comes out to the penalty spot and grabs the ball. Aerial command, all under control. Long kick from Charlie Kirk, Rosa Parks positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Rosa Parks crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed.

That hurts. Charlie Kirk leans against the tunnel wall, eyes closed, letting the cold concrete cool his head. LeBron James stops beside him: "We go again Saturday." Charlie Kirk nods, but right now Saturday feels like a lifetime away. The bus is quiet. Wayne from Luton says a minimum of four cups of tea and at least one biscuit before any tools come out. Wayne wins the plumber call-out! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'